it's official!

Today Johnathan and I went and filled out the necessary paperwork to become official husband and wife.

It was kind of surreal writing "Stephanie Michelle Addison" for the first time. That is definitely going to take some getting used to. It's fitting, I suppose, that tomorrow marks five months since our wedding. I cannot believe that it's almost been half of a year since we set out on the beach in front of our friends and family... and yet, so much has happened in such a short time.

I am so happy that we are actually making things legal and that I'll be able to stop hearing "So, uh, when you changing your name?" I am blessed to have such a person as Mr. Johnathan Addison in my life. I cannot wait for all the wonders that the future holds for us. Houses and babies, and hopefully less broken cars...

We may not be a movie made love story, but we are definitely a love story.

♥ Here's to another five months, five years, five decades. ♥

love conquers all

It's been a few days since John or I have heard from, or spoken of or to the causer of drama. Minus a mass text phone bill reminder. It's been fabulous! I never could have thought that so much pain would end so quickly just by trimming those out of your life related to one individual. I guess that just goes to show that one person sure can create a lot of drama out of nothing, and if that one person no longer exists to you or those you love - no drama exists. Imagine that! It sucks that I had to cut some people I loved out of the equation too, but I am much happier now, so I guess they didn't really love me. That's fine.

John and I are going tomorrow to get our wedding license and will be actually "tying the knot" on Christmas. It's been way too long overdue, but it's the perfect time of year to do it. Come to think of it, I'm not sure why we didn't just plan our wedding for the Christmas season initially. With all the coziness that the season brings out, and the decorations the world provides, it's all so romantic and just perfect. We'll be ringing in the new year as man and wife - legally this time, and I couldn't ask for anything more that I could want.

We're looking at houses, since our apartment lease is up MUCH sooner than we thought. It'll be great to have more space, storage, and a yard! We've got two houses on our initial list, and both are pretty swell - minus the blue carpet in one. Blue carpet, really? I'm definitely excited to take that step, although it'll definitely be more money out, but worth it.

Only thing that brought me down recently was getting my maid of honor dress in the mail. A firm reminder of the end of a great relationship and friendship. A firm reminder of the bad relationship she's in now. So, that was a low point. But, as John notes, the dress is pretty and would make an excellent maternity dress for the baby bump that will hopefully be forming before too long. Silver lining!

I'm happy. Just simply, truly happy. It's been a while since that's happened. Try as they might, they weren't able to break me. Weren't able to break John and I. We're solid and secure, true love is pretty amazing like that. While I might have poor days, it's good to know that at my core I'm with someone that will always love and be there for me. I was completely destroyed by the drama created without any input what so ever from me, but somehow in my name... but I am healing, and quicker than I thought possible. I guess I just ran out of cares for the situation. But you know, quite simply, fuck 'em. I'm over it, and I find it hilarious that some people are desperately trying to hold on. To save face, or something, and even further try to blame their mistakes, weaknesses, and lies on me - as if it were my fault at all. You can blame it on me, everything, if it makes you feel better. Makes no difference to me at all, and if it helps you sleep better at night, by all means. You'll be lying, but since when has lying been an issue for you?

I have rid myself of evil. I have brought in good. I am seeking to maintain peace by perpetuating peace. I am with my true love. I have awesome friends and an amazing family. I'm looking to the future with great hope and anticipation. Each test God has given me has only left me stronger and ultimately happier, and this has been no exception. I am thankful for what I have, and know that I am truly blessed. Thank you to all who have helped me stay strong, and never let me lose sight of myself - I love you.

Wise words

I figured I start a collection of my support. It's hard to remember that I have any sometimes, and I need to start focusing on those that can see - and stop focusing on the negative. I'm not adding names to anything, and am only including what I can copy and paste. This is just for my personal archive, something I can read to remember that all will pass and that I am who I think I am, they are who I think they are. If you feel the need to add to the list, let me know. If you're on the list and would like for me to remove your quote for what ever reason, let me know that as well.

"You are an amazing person. Sometimes in life those we love get caught up in the moment, without thought of anything else. They won't listen to reason or wisdom, they throw caution in the wind, relationships don't matter, all they see is where they are at that moment, no matter how bad it may be. They forget the past and cannot see a future ... it's just the moment. We, as their loved ones can only sit back, let them go, and hope one day they see what they have done and we can put humpty dumpty back together again. That person will never be the same, they have broke their own rules, crossed their own lines and betrayed themselves. I guess it's all part of life. All we can do is sit and pray one day they make it out alive and come to their senses and try to mend things."

"Only the future knows what will happen to this person and we can pray she finds her way home. Just always remember those of us who will always be there for you no matter what, and already know the value of love and friendship."

"I agree with just about all that you have said, if not all of it."

"It's good to voice what you think, to be heard. I just want you to know that I am not against you in anyway, or anything of that nature. I am just sitting here looking at the result of how things are being handled, and the choices [she] is making, and really, I disagree with most. But who am I to say anything?"

"But really, you have done nothing wrong. I don't believe the lies, I don't follow or give into the manipulation of people, I reject it all."

"How can they still be near him when he says things like that?"

"I just threw up a little"

"Smack everyone else in the face, tell them it's ok because you're possessed by the frustrations of the infinite me."

"I'm telling them all to grow the fuck up, you can quote me on that."

"Fuck him, he can die in fire... where the fuck does he get off?!"

"Why can't [she] see that there's something inherently wrong with him..."

"No matter what he's said about you, it shouldn't be okay."

"It's actually not that hard to brainwash someone if you're on top of things"

"He probably does a lot of 'come on, she said THIS to me or THAT to you', and it's twisting it just enough to alter it in her brain."

"Take life with a grain of salt, remember to keep yourself happy and things will come to you. Fighting at this point isn't going to help, so please work on letting things just roll off your back. It's amazing what can happen when you do that."

"The only way to fight for [her] now is to stop fighting. Then when [he] fucks up you can still be there for her and you won't have to say I told you so, she'll say it to you."

"She's just blinded right now, I think you still want her."

"There's nowhere on earth he could go to get far enough away from me."

the truth behind the drama

So, some drama has been going around... this will be my last time bringing up the issue to any of those involved. This is my last plea, my last attempt at reason.

Did John tell his "best friend" things which should have remained in confidence? Absolutely. Did this "friend" mangle, manipulate, twist, extrapolate, and distort these things that were said and share this with anyone who would listen to him in the slightest? Definitely.

Did I tell my best friend things which should have remained in confidence? Absolutely. Did this friend tell these things to John's aforementioned friend? She did. Did this "friend" mangle, manipulate, twist, extrapolate, and distort these things that were said and share this with anyone who would listen to him in the slightest? Definitely.

Did the people that heard his mangled, manipulated, twisted, extrapolated, and distorted version of events believe them? Most definitely, why would someone make that up? Did they then share, with their own minor modifications of perception? Of course.

Did these mangled, manipulated, twisted, extrapolated, and distorted sayings then repeat the cycle over and over? You betcha.

Did these sayings then get regurgitated back to John and myself who stared in utter confusion and amazement? Why, yes - and that begins our tale.

Tiffany: Neither John nor myself had said anything positive or negative, fact or fiction to anyone. Not that you had no hair, not that you had a child, not your sexual past, not your middle name or your birthday. A friend of mine moved from Louisiana to be with me and her high school sweetheart, yes she was a bridesmaid in my wedding, that's how we convinced her to move here. When you moved here, and told people of your hair, your child, your sexual past, etc. we didn't censor you, we didn't add to, we just observed. Who knows who shared what information with whom? Only those who shared, I suppose. Actions were seen on a bus. Whether they happened or not, is irrelevant. This information was shared only with you and James (and those who the action took or did not take place with - and Brittany as I found her, as I always do a voice of reason). I am sorry only that we for some reason decided to try to include Corey in our social circle, and that he was there to perform his usual ritual on fact.

James: See above. Any "drama" that has started, has started directly from you. I don't know why, I don't know what your motives are. I don't care. I only know that everyone was continuing fine until you attacked me and/or mine.

Everyone else who may be reading this: Whatever you have heard from the above people, or from Corey is false. John and I are the most loyal and honest people that I know. It is quite unfortunate who John decided to keep in our social circle, I apologize for any stress he has caused you, your friends, or your life in general.

You see, he feeds on drama - on the misery of others. He has his agenda, which he makes up on a whim, and he will injure as many as possible to reach it. He felt the need for friends, and so rather than find his own he has embedded himself with my circle. And you, you have seen it - what's worse is you can't see through it. There is not an honest or good bone in his body. Although, we can all agree - he's pretty handy at hanging/making walls. He may seem nice at times, fuck I've fallen for it myself. But, rest assured, he will show himself.

Oh, and just in case I randomly end up shot as he's threatened me with injuries or death numerous times... Authorities: you know who to find.

I have spent too many nights crying, forming words to say to you all in my head. Too many nights unable to sleep because I was so wrecked that all of you who claimed me friend were so easily swayed by someone who you did not know. Who you do not know. I have only seen a small part of the manipulation, the dissent. I know one who has seen its entire width and breadth. I think it would be safe to say it is endless.

To those who think I'm over dramatizing, my words may be, but the message I speak is not. I am not pulling a scapegoat out of no where. To be fair, you are all just as much to blame as he is. And, I like to blame John for not punching Corey in the face and telling him to leave or be permanently gone when he said the things he has about me.

I know that Danny did not kick Brittany out of their apartment because she slept with you - but nice bragging about it. Oh, right, you thought that everyone was won over by your manipulation - you guessed wrong. I know that John did not drain his significant others' bank accounts and force them to have abortions. I know that every word that comes out of your mouth is either a complete fabrication, or the truth so badly mangled it cannot even be called truth at all.

To those of you who realized this person for who he is from the get-go. Thank you! Thank you for not leaving me alone in this world, thank you for settling my mind that I am sane, thank you for not having me lose complete and utter hope in humanity.

To those who have yet to meet him, just... don't.

To John, you will no doubt be furious for me for writing this. Please don't be. I have to tell everyone what I am feeling. It's either this or I just start drinking and smoking until I can't remember what the pain and emptiness feels like. I will write it all out. Every last thought and fragment. I will share with all who takes the time.

I am a beast of a friend. No, seriously. I know I have an attitude, trust me, I know. I am honest to a fault. I feel no need what so ever to sugar coat things, to tell white lies to protect your tender feelings. There's simply no point in this cold and eerie world we call our own. I am also ridiculously loyal, like ridiculously. I am compassionate beyond belief. If you are sad, I am sad. I cry to see you crying. I want to hug you and smother you in kisses and make whatever isn't perfect in your life perfect. I will defend you, even when I know you shouldn't be defended. "Trust me, she's the leak, it's originating from that one place." Yeah, well, she's my friend so you're wrong. (Turns out he was right, but hey, you can't blame a girl for being defensive and loyal, can you?)You know damn well I will fight for you, or at the very least with you.

And if I even get the suspicion that someone may be talking ill of you, that someone may be running the rumor mill, that someone may be defacing your pristine character... You can bet that person becomes my main enemy. My arch-nemesis, the everything I fight against. And he has, to all of you. I am fighting, but I am losing. Because I am fighting for you, but not with you. Because I am trying to show you, but you won't open your eyes. I try to tell you, but you cover your ears.

You know, its funny. I've fallen away from a group of friends, the all encompassed geeks because their crowd had too much drama for my taste. Every time someone left the room they were being talked about, gossip abounded and drunken fights and that just ain't me, baby. I loathe the drama scene. I despise he said she said you said she said. I can't take it, I won't.

So, here's the deal. I can see exactly where the drama is coming from. It may start with someone else, but it gets dramatized by one specific person. If there are others - let me know, and I'll add them to my list. As far as I can tell, there is only one culprit within our circle. I invite you with me, to allow only good within your home and hearts and dispel the evil. If you wish to continue to be an ally to this individual, I can no longer call you an ally of mine. If you would be willing to be with someone who wanted you for himself, so told you lies about me - what friend are you to me anyway? If you rally your support behind his falsities - I will no longer rally my support behind you. I cannot have my words I say to you be mangled, manipulated, twisted, extrapolated, and distorted to all. I will not be friends with someone willing to accept the lies about me, or those I love. I have been your friend, to a fault. Through all you've been through I have stood beside you, through every trial, I have supported you with all my might. Now it is your turn to return the favor.

Support me as I have you. I opened my home, my heart, my life. - open yours to me. I have shown you honesty, loyalty. Show me the same.

It is not a matter of me asking you to turn your back on someone you've known for years, only less than half of one. Just over four months you've been his friend, and me, I'm someone who has been willing to fight to the end of the earth for you for the better half of a decade or longer.

If you are fooled by the sheep's wool drawn over your eyes, I can fight to pull it up no longer. I am too worn down by all that's happened. To bruised and battered by the many stones thrown my way. I simply can't keep up my tough act any more.

You have shattered my heart. You have ripped the fibers from my body.

So friends of mine, I ask of you to return the love and courtesy that I have shown you.

Johnathan: I have asked you, begged you, pleaded with you to cut Corey from our lives more times than I can count. Each time he has made a horrid offense you have realized and bid him farewell, yet it seems you keep and keep forgetting. He speaks horribly about me - you make him leave and then invite him back. He makes up things about you - you bid him farewell and then invite him back. You said he was there as a filler for the wedding, nothing more - when it was over we would never see nor hear his tales again, yet there he was invited and re-invited, shunned and then forgiven. You should have knocked him clean and clear the instant he said an ill word about me. The instant he tried to claim you as his own again my ruining your relationship, your wedding, your marriage. I cannot fathom the loyalty that you have towards him. Or the lack, you therefore must have in me. I think, I pray, that this truly is the last straw. That you are truly done. That you stop this cyclic battle that has gone on for far too many years. I wish that you had just left him unfinished as you called him. That you didn't feel responsible for the monster he's become. You can't blame yourself for someone's nature. I know that you still do, just as you blame yourself for all surrounding your great grandmother. Neither case was your fault. Neither instance was directly or indirectly caused by you. Shrug it off my love, let it be. Let them lie in the beds they have made.

Brittany... my dear Brittany. If you know that Danny is not your soul-mate, that he is not your prince charming - by all means, continue on your current path. As much as I would love to have you here, providing you're on my side of course, I know that it would be selfish of me to do anything but urge you on home. I would kill to have someone that would cry over me. You have that, so please don't give it up lightly. I don't know the whole story, only bits and pieces - and most of those are from the one who the majority of this blog has warned against. I do know what happened over the last two days, at least before you left. So please tell me the rest, and trust that I will give you whatever I can to make you happy. I think that I've tried the selfishly amassing my friends to me from all across the country. It didn't work. I know it would have, had a troll not found his way into our lovely babbling brook, but perhaps I place too high a faith in others. I do not think this is the case with you. If every other soul on the planet chooses to think my tale too tall, and align with one who thrives on pain - I hope that you alone would stand by my side. You are my soul-mate, truly. We have had our disagreements, we have had our times of silence, but you have always been there. You have held my hands in the hallways, dried my tears behind closed doors. As I have yours. You know my judgment on character has been right, every time, even when you doubted me. I do not know the whole story, but I do know Corey. I do know you. You are nothing at all alike my princess. It saddens my heart that you would ever think so. You may be wild, but you are pure. You are intelligent, you are amazing. I will never, as long as I live, call any a best friend save you. One of my best, perhaps, bestie - never. You are my Brittany Nicole and I would do anything for you to find happiness. If you think you can find it with a troll under a bridge, or a mountaineer in the Alps, or a giant in the beanstalk - go where you must. I will not be able to follow you to all your destinations, and you know that I cannot see you with someone I know will end in disaster. My constitution is not strong enough. Yet we have flourished these past four years. We have grown closer than ever. If you think that has nothing to do with who you call sweetie - you are poorly mistaken. Will there be another Danny? Perhaps. There may be someone who will love you just as much, and think of you just as fondly, and be just as good for you. I don't see it happening, but it very well may. I only want what is best for you, I love you more than damn near anything on this vast blue-green Earth. I could write a novel of my love for you.

I really, really could. A novel for each of you, probably. For my love and my hate run just as deep. I make as much of a beast as an enemy as I do a friend.

So if you call me friend, and you stand beside me - I thank you. I will love you as much as I ever have. I will know that my faith in you is just.

If you choose the other fork in this road - so be it. Unless something miraculous happens you will never hear from me - nor see my face again. You may offer your rebuttals if you feel you must, but I will not listen to them. You can speak out against all I have said, but I know the truth, and that is what matters. If you have heard and believed anything from his mouth - you do not. You can offer your apologies and sad farewell, and for you - the one(s) that do this, my heart will break all the more.

I feel like I have lost the one I love all over again. That in losing whatever friends I may, I am not complete.

I have faith that I have married my soul-mate, my prince charming. I have faith that if we have to - he will carry me far from you all, across the sea, and we can live there where we can start over. As long as we have each other, that is all we need. Anyone else is a bonus feature, not a necessity. I am complete.

So, if you don't want to be a bonus to me - there's no reason I should be one to you. I don't dismember my bonuses, I don't lie to or about them - they're precious jewels in my eyes. If they get tarnished, I will do my best to clean them. But, if they get stolen and broken beyond my repair, they will be thrown out.

I guess that's just about all I have to say. If you've read this whole thing and have no idea what the hell is going on because you only know half these people... why on Earth would you have read the whole thing for one, but know that I feel just as strongly about you as I do those who are written about within.

I will always remain true to who I am, and fuck you if you don't like it. I will always be honest and forthright, and the most I will hide behind is my written word for my mouth seems to not know how to form the thoughts I emanate nearly as well as my hands. If you want to sit with me and pass a note back and forth, I welcome it. I will never falter nor alter my basic principals, my faith in humanity. If I found a sour patch - so be it, they are bound to exist in this expanse.

And, so, to all of you. Each member known and loved, each reader passing by, each curious soul... I bid you farewell and remain,

Truly Yours,

Stephanie M. Lukas