Why do I have to choose loving myself or loving you? I want the freedom of routine and the freedom to abolish routine. The ability to paint and shape and do to this body what I will, and still have your love. To not feel like I have to hide though I've done nothing wrong. To never have to hide, even if I had. To know your love is unconditional and strong, and deeper than the surface of this world. For you to know that mine is. And though I'll always love you, my patience is wearing thin. My love is not a contract. Not to be your flawless plaything or always at your side. Not to keep myself unblemished and serene. Not to hide away from all the world but you. My love is an oath. To love you, always. To try to understand your insanities. To be with you in all you do. To stand by you. Not to agree with you. Not to become you. Not to give up myself in pursuit of you. But I'm already gone. My small acts of self are shut down as rebellions against parental force. My wanders into other realms are held as attacks on the one we share. I'm beginning to feel like I'm drowning I beginning to give up on the hope you promised me I'm beginning to give up on me

I want you to romance me
Dance with me
Underneath the stars
Make me forget about
The lines on my face
and the scars on my heart

Make me feel twenty
fearless
ready to take on the world
Like there's no past
and no regrets

Make my body forget
it's done anything other
than enjoy every moment

get drunk with me on life
and cheap wine
run wild
have the whole world look at us
like we're madnimals

oh yes, and make up words

write me a love song
and sing it to me
even if ever so slightly
off key

braid daisy chains amidst wildflower
fields of grass and sunlight
get sticky sweet strawberry headaches
and act like the world's our stage

make me feel like for a moment
for all moments
I am your world and you
are my infinity

Showed you the truth

but you just shut your eyes
I guess you'll never see
through his well made disguise

I've been the one by your side
through thick and through thin
yet you turned your back on me
and let the devil waltz in

So you deceived me
you left me here alone
with a broken promise
 a broken heart
I must walk through this world on my own

will you ever see
the errors that you've made
will you ever know
the excellence that would’ve followed if you'd stayed

Will I ever forgive you?
Leaving me shattered on the floor
Will I ever forget?
Not a chance anymore

I'll never be there again
to hold your hand
to wipe the tears from your eyes
You've made your final stand

You turned from light to dark
You changed from all to nothing
You took my love, my good advice
and threw it all away for nothing

As the days tick by you'll find
a new world to fit into
False friends, false life
something to look forward to

There's no turning back
no unwriting wrongs
apologies cannot fix
All my scars and sobs

You ask me to believe
in this false idol you've found
Ask me to join you
without a protesting sound

To put aside the fact
he is evil in and out
To join with you against the tide
To simply shut my mouth

I will keep on fighting
though I am fighting for you
I will keep on trying
praying God will see it through

But even if you change
and see the monster inside
It doesn’t fix anything
you've wasted so much time

but fight is all I can do
Seeking  truth and justice
For though you've turned your back on me
I simply can't return the favor

Dissolving matter

Well then. Hurdle over, damage done, game complete. Right? Easier roads ahead, right? I mean, you get offered something that amazing and... right... sounds too good to be true, usually is.

Here I was thinking, yes... we've made it! The dog days are over!

We can have awesome jobs, house, car, kids! It's there, within our grasp! We can pay off debt, we can fix the holes in our soles. Finally it's all right there and then....

Slowly....
It all comes crashing down.

It's all marked in red.

It's all drug through mud.

And maybe it's because you just don't exist. You're nothing more than the delusion of my imagination and no one has the heart to tell me you're not real. So of course you couldn't have gone to college, because they tend not to enroll spirits. You can't create life because the seed of a ghost is as useless as his heart. It all feels real to me. But, you see, the only time you've ever existed is if I was with you. If I pull up the reports, if I'm there to witness ink on paper. If I'm not there to see it... you don't exist. You're my Tyler Durden of the most neurotic, narcissistic kind. I'm not just crazy for seeing you, interacting with you... I'm crazy because I fell in love with you, made love to you, fought for you...

And when the camera fades to black....

You're left with this bitter taste and knowing
Sure as sure and right as right and up as up
That I'd do it again.
Cling to your ions like they are my last chance at salvation
Because, really they are.
You may not be real, but you're mine. Each buzzing photonic burst of energy, each fleck of displaced matter.
Mine.
As nothing in this world has been mine before. Independently and yet connected to my own frame.
And if you dissipate as waifs are wont to do.... then I dissipate as well.
So my lovely ghoul, stay a while with me. Fufill my fantasy. If you're nothing more than the other half of my own aching heart, than continue on.
Perhaps one day we'll look back on this earthly time and chuckle our beyond-the-grave laughs. We'll ponder why having negative five hundred dollars in our bank account was such a stressing time, and why it mattered so much to have a home and warmth and food and love. Why it mattered so much to exist, to survive, to have gizmos and gadgets and ambition to improve.

As we drift our ethereal bodies into the cosmos maybe we'll realize the point of it all. Maybe we'll have regrets for the time spent on earth.

My time is worth it, waiting on you. My non-existing prince that stole my heart. Whether figment of my imagination, ghost, spirit, vampire... I love you. I have faith that you are real, that you can make yourself real not only to me in my eyes, but to others. That you can amass enough dust, fallen skin cells of the world, so that all can see the glimmer in your eye. That we don't have to wait until God call us home to be happy. That we can make for ourselves peace on Earth, even if it's only confined to four small walls. With this faith, I place my life, my happiness, and all that I am in your translucent hands.

wedding vows

Everything that makes me who I am
was yours before this moment
it shall be yours always

You are my soul mate
my best friend
my ally against the world
my moment outside of time

you are my fondest memory
my fiercest desire
my strongest wish

It is because of you
I laugh
I smile
I dream

I will love you
respect you
and be honest with you
always

When life is easy
or when it is a struggle
when our love is simple
and when it is an effort
I will live with you
and laugh with you.

From this day forward,
you will never walk alone.

I will rejoice in your delights
and fight your battles by your side

I will support what you strive to accomplish
and encourage you intellectually, emotionally and spiritually
I will try to see the world as you see it
or at the very least, respect your unique perspective

I will be the shoulder on which you lean
the rock on which you rest
the joy of your heart

I will comfort your body with mine
mirror your soul with my own
and share with you all that I have and will have

I promise not only to give these things
but to receive them from you as well
to speak and to listen
to be both friend, and lover

You have my body
my mind
my heart
my soul

Everything that makes me who I am
was yours before this moment
it shall be yours always

I offer this ring to you
as a symbol
of my faith
my love
And of the vows I have just spoken

As this ring has no end
neither does my love for you

Screaming into the abyss

Waiting for someone
to judge me
Challenge me
acknowledge me
Maybe even
love me

No response
Echoes bounce back
returning my cries
cyclic and cold

Is there no one there
or just no one
that cares

Cyber self indulgence
Self medication
woven with coils
Tubes of failed inspiration
Failed social interactions

Avatars replace reality
Chat-rooms replace coffee houses
Micro-blogs replace conversation
even heartfelt e-mails are
things of the past

Yet I scream out
crop my face to an icon's frame
chat away into the space
micro, mini, standard blog
to no one, and nothing

Fading into unreality

proper linguistics

i peruse
the internet and see
lack of punctuation
capitalization
running sentences 
lacking commas
abhorrence to proofreading
and i wonder
if its all so easy
to just forget

to move on in our
urban dictionary ruled existence

yet it all flows in my mind
fixing the typos and
ironing out the syntax
and reaching for the voice behind
the veils of apathy
and i realize that
maybe just maybe
its the voice that matters
and not the close
approximation
of proper linguistics

Mine

I ask you not for the heavens
nor for the moon or the stars
I ask you not for the sun
nor the sea
nor any earthly creations
I ask not for your life
nor your body
nor your will
I ask only for your heart

Once I have your heart
it is only natural
that your soul and mind will follow
In order I may be flawed

When I have all three
we'll call it love
of the truest form
and parade for all to see

I don't mind
but I wish sometimes
it were only you and I

You've given me your mind
a section split with billions

You’ve given me your heart
the portion yet unused

You've given me your soul
the parts I'm worthy to see

I wish sometimes
it were only you and I

Now/Then

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about it.
Not just yet.
Not to the general world.
But, boy oh boy am I excited.
For those curious minds, it's not that I'm pregnant.
Though now, maybe that wouldn't be the scariest of news.

It doesn't help the now though....

The we're so broke, no money for food, how the fuck does this work, now.
The sell what we can, make due, ask for a power strip and RAM so we can have a computer, now.
The "potato salad might make an okay dinner" and the "how many meals can we stretch this box of spaghetti" and the "thank God Caity showed us the Sunshine Pantry because we'll be heading there before the week is out I imagine" now.

The "then", oh, the "then" looks great.

Then we'll be able to have a house, with a yard.
Then we'll be able to pay all our debts off, and save for the future.
Then we'll be able to have a little one without stressing.
Then we won't bounce checks because our roommate is a week late on paying rent in full.
Then we'll be able to afford to get wedding presents for our friends.
Then we'll be able to get Christmas presents, maybe even a tree.
Then we'll be able to save enough to make our dreams come true.

Then.... oh, then.

I have this tiny, teeny, bubbling in my stomach. This little voice that's whispering 'soon, soon it'll all be okay'. I want so hard to believe in the then. The future. What may come to pass. The great, spectacular unknown. Beautiful as the cosmos, and within our reach.

I have the devil on my shoulder telling me it's all too good. Too easy. It'll never come to be, it'll never last. The weight of the now will kill us before we even think about the then. Because the weight of the now.... it's stifling. It's terrifying, it's nauseating, it's.... awful.

So fuck you now. Fuck you right in the ass. I'm done with you. I can't stand the acrid taste you leave in my mouth.

Hello then. Be as sweet as my fantasies, as warm as my desires, as lovely as my dreams. Wrap me in your embrace and please, please don't let me down.

Written Words Fall to Sand

Miscommunication will be our downfall
Weeping bitterly into the night
Written words fall to sand.

I wish you would try to read my mind
Then you would see with hind-sight
Miscommunication will be our downfall

Our hearts still beat, hands intertwined
Why do I feel such fright
As written words fall to sand

Silly items mean nothing until they are defined
Even so they need to be put to light
Miscommunication will be our downfall

Please try to know I'm one of your kind
Slipping away into the night
Written words fall to sand

I want you more than absence of mind
More than anything in sight
Miscommunication will be our downfall
Written words fall to sand

I just need tomorrow

Why
Can't you see
That it's more
than just sentiment to me

That it's more than
Wax on paper
More than
Something so simple

I can't comprehend
The need to feel attached
To something in the past

You can have my past
I don't need it anymore
All I need are things we've made

What the future has in store

If I forget
What last year held
I would only know
That it doesn't matter

And if I forgot
Yesterday

All I need to know
is tomorrow
with you

Forbidden fruit

Forbidden fruit
you can't help but taste
Raw and carnal
unadultered by media
or social normalities

Feel soft lips,
butterflies covering
every inch of my
growing exposure of skin.

Hands graze
every spot
like they were meant
for me... even though
it could be anyone.

You tell me softly
that you can make up
for areas you lack;
scars that just won't fade

And you prove it
bending my will
to your very command
making me moan

with anticipation
I can't
won't
give in to primal demands.

Not yet.
Not now.

In time,
when your butterfly kisses
pierce my core -
when your mouth
on my veins breaks
all internal self consciousness

then
then I will become
yours

End of April 2009

Never seen
someone look so good
by the pale glow
of a monitor

Never felt
such ecstatic joy
as fingers dance across
my keys

Never wanted
anything more
than to see you wrapped in
my mind's labyrinth

Never heard
someone speak
such mysteries
Tell me more

Never tasted
this poison so sweet
can't get enough
fill my cup

Never knew
what I do now
stumbling through
the lighted streets

So show yourself
Run your fingers
across my skin

Exist as you do
speaking sweetly
into my anxious ear

Make me crave you
with your mind meld
of pure ecstasy

you can do this
unlock my quaking fingers
jump into my senses
my world