In three years we've:
Created life (and raised him 11 months)!
Moved into a house
Gone through like, 10 cars.
and 4 different jobs
Been struggling poor, and sailing smoothly.
Gained a lot of weight...(and lost some too!)
Fought more fiercely than ever before.
Loved more fiercely than ever before.
Here's to reigniting all the things that made us fall in love, and getting back to those smooth sailing days.
♥ 31 months ♥ 36 months ♥ 52 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
Showing posts with label Anniversary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anniversary. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
4 years / 7 months
March 22nd, 2009 -- I don't know that I could have envisioned my life as it is now. A seven month old son with the world in front of him, a four year relationship with his father. That a relationship which my initial intentions were for a casual fling, has turned into the love of my lifetime... well, it's pretty darn surprising to that me four years ago. To me now though, I wouldn't imagine it any other way. Who else would I wake up every morning to, who I'd yell at for staying up all night, not being a good father, and blowing money on car parts? I can't imagine it being any one else. I can't imagine anyone else to share my life with, to have this family with, to dream about the future with. We're flawed beings but we're flawed together, and somehow it makes it okay.
Things are finally starting to look up for us. We've both got jobs making okay money, enough to live on for once, and John's at a place that I think actually recognizes his talents. I'm still a temp, but I'm okay with that, because I'm looking into starting a medical assisting program to get out of the cycle of dead end nothing jobs. It's not a huge jump in pay, but an extra $9k a year would be nice for sure. The degree will essentially pay for itself within my first year of employment, and that's always a good thing. Admissions aren't the easiest process, I'll have to call up some former employers and get them to write letters of recommendation for me, but I think it'll be worth it. It's one of those things you just have to do.
I've started the couch to 5k plan, and so far so good. My biggest obstacle is that I either have Chuck Taylors or Nike's that are a size too big for footwear. I found an amazing deal on some minimalist running shoes on nomorerack.com so that issue will be resolved soon and hopefully I'll be able to pick up some speed. I also need to look into a sports bra that won't try and pop over the top of me while I'm moving...and pretty much all the clothing I'm wearing isn't exactly great for running, but I'm taking it one step at a time and shoes were definitely the priority item.
I'm trying so hard to get my life together. For my family's future, for my own state of mind. I hope that I am able to keep going strong and accomplish my goals. Baby steps might be the way I need to do things but I'm determined to get there. When Oliver's at the age where someone asks him what his parents do, I want him to be able to say his dad's in IT and his mom helps people be healthy. That or they don't do anything because they won the lottery.... but, you know, realism. I also want to be strong and healthy for him and set a good example for eating and exercising habits. I'm doing the Slimfast thing right now until I get closer to my ideal weight, and it's definitely working, though my shape is still leaving much to be desired. Hence adding in the running. Once I'm used to that routine I'm thinking adding in strength training would be good too. Oliver's well on his way to 20 pounds and getting harder to lift these days. After I get the weight under control then I'll feel more comfortable switching back to eating a more normal diet. Though I think keeping in mind the Slimfast 3 meals 3 snacks, and moderation is definitely something I can stick with. I like not ever really being starving, even though I'm eating less calories.
So, there's an update! We're at a turning point for the better I think, and I hope and pray that this one, unlike all the rest, we can maintain.
Things are finally starting to look up for us. We've both got jobs making okay money, enough to live on for once, and John's at a place that I think actually recognizes his talents. I'm still a temp, but I'm okay with that, because I'm looking into starting a medical assisting program to get out of the cycle of dead end nothing jobs. It's not a huge jump in pay, but an extra $9k a year would be nice for sure. The degree will essentially pay for itself within my first year of employment, and that's always a good thing. Admissions aren't the easiest process, I'll have to call up some former employers and get them to write letters of recommendation for me, but I think it'll be worth it. It's one of those things you just have to do.
I've started the couch to 5k plan, and so far so good. My biggest obstacle is that I either have Chuck Taylors or Nike's that are a size too big for footwear. I found an amazing deal on some minimalist running shoes on nomorerack.com so that issue will be resolved soon and hopefully I'll be able to pick up some speed. I also need to look into a sports bra that won't try and pop over the top of me while I'm moving...and pretty much all the clothing I'm wearing isn't exactly great for running, but I'm taking it one step at a time and shoes were definitely the priority item.
I'm trying so hard to get my life together. For my family's future, for my own state of mind. I hope that I am able to keep going strong and accomplish my goals. Baby steps might be the way I need to do things but I'm determined to get there. When Oliver's at the age where someone asks him what his parents do, I want him to be able to say his dad's in IT and his mom helps people be healthy. That or they don't do anything because they won the lottery.... but, you know, realism. I also want to be strong and healthy for him and set a good example for eating and exercising habits. I'm doing the Slimfast thing right now until I get closer to my ideal weight, and it's definitely working, though my shape is still leaving much to be desired. Hence adding in the running. Once I'm used to that routine I'm thinking adding in strength training would be good too. Oliver's well on his way to 20 pounds and getting harder to lift these days. After I get the weight under control then I'll feel more comfortable switching back to eating a more normal diet. Though I think keeping in mind the Slimfast 3 meals 3 snacks, and moderation is definitely something I can stick with. I like not ever really being starving, even though I'm eating less calories.
So, there's an update! We're at a turning point for the better I think, and I hope and pray that this one, unlike all the rest, we can maintain.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
2 years!
Lord help us to remember when
We first met and the strong
love that grew between us.
To work that love into
practical things so that nothing
can divide us.
We ask for words both kind
and loving and hearts always
ready to ask forgiveness
as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, we put our
marriage into your hands
35 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Two years married. I don't really have a whole lot to write about today then I did yesterday, or on my last post. It seems like just another day in the John and Stephanie story. Last year we were able to go to Lincoln City, spend a couple nights, enjoy an amazing dinner at the Blackfish Cafe. This year... things are a little bit different to say the least. Baby talk rules the airwaves, negative bank account numbers are the norm. We get these little moments to cling to one another, these tiny brief pauses in day to day life, and boy do I try and cling to them. I've been trying to be part of his world more, to go rafting and tromping through the woods... but I find it difficult to really enjoy these things when I'm so limited in my range of motion / balance. We capsized the raft we were on and I got all beat up by rocks, and couldn't pull myself on shore because of how big the belly is. So I just laid there, someone else pulled me up by my life jacket and then I just remained immobilized until Marcus came and hefted me to my feet. I can't go up and down hills with a whole lot of ease not pregnant, but with my balance all wonky, I opted to remain on as flat ground as possible rather than follow the crowd down.
Not that I mind a whole lot, I'm kind of used to it these days. It just doesn't leave John and I on a very equal playing ground. I imagine that it'll even itself out soon enough once Oliver's here, although probably more towards my side of not being able to do anything.
It's so strange to me, how far different we are than we were two years ago, and how very much the same. The more things change the more they stay the same, right? We've had high points and low points. In just the past year we've seen our highest point, and we're now at our lowest. Through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer... yeah, we've been there. We got pregnant in a high point, and will be having Oliver in our lowest. It all builds character, I suppose. I guess the important thing here is though we've seen the light at the end of the tunnel only to get blasted back with earth shattering force once we neared it, we're still holding hands and laughing together as we trudge through the darkness back towards where we think we remember the light. As long as we keep fighting for that light, though we can no longer remember what it feels like, we'll be okay. While Oliver will bring a light of his own, I'm sure he'll also cause a back peddle of his own right. Yet we'll all have to just bunch together and hunker down against the cold. We'll either make it, or we won't, and as long as we try that's all we can do. I am determined to keep on trying, to keep on holding on to our love above all else and the knowledge that if we were there once, we can get there again. Somehow, someway, though it may be more difficult than it was initially, though there may be a whole lot more sacrifice. We can get there. We have to.
So now, on our second anniversary I can promise you the same thing I did on our first, and since I pledged my heart and life to yours.
my fiercest desire
my strongest wish
It is because of you
I laugh
I smile
I dream
I will love you
respect you
and be honest with you
always
When life is easy
or when it is a struggle
when our love is simple
and when it is an effort
I will live with you
and laugh with you.
From this day forward,
you will never walk alone.
I will rejoice in your delights
and fight your battles by your side
I will support what you strive to accomplish
and encourage you intellectually, emotionally and spiritually
I will try to see the world as you see it
or at the very least, respect your unique perspective
I will be the shoulder on which you lean
the rock on which you rest
the joy of your heart
I will comfort your body with mine
mirror your soul with my own
and share with you all that I have and will have
I promise not only to give these things
but to receive them from you as well
to speak and to listen
to be both friend, and lover
You have my body
my mind
my heart
my soul
Everything that makes me who I am
was yours before this moment
it shall be yours always
♥ 19 months ♥ 24 months ♥ 40 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
We first met and the strong
love that grew between us.
To work that love into
practical things so that nothing
can divide us.
We ask for words both kind
and loving and hearts always
ready to ask forgiveness
as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, we put our
marriage into your hands
35 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Two years married. I don't really have a whole lot to write about today then I did yesterday, or on my last post. It seems like just another day in the John and Stephanie story. Last year we were able to go to Lincoln City, spend a couple nights, enjoy an amazing dinner at the Blackfish Cafe. This year... things are a little bit different to say the least. Baby talk rules the airwaves, negative bank account numbers are the norm. We get these little moments to cling to one another, these tiny brief pauses in day to day life, and boy do I try and cling to them. I've been trying to be part of his world more, to go rafting and tromping through the woods... but I find it difficult to really enjoy these things when I'm so limited in my range of motion / balance. We capsized the raft we were on and I got all beat up by rocks, and couldn't pull myself on shore because of how big the belly is. So I just laid there, someone else pulled me up by my life jacket and then I just remained immobilized until Marcus came and hefted me to my feet. I can't go up and down hills with a whole lot of ease not pregnant, but with my balance all wonky, I opted to remain on as flat ground as possible rather than follow the crowd down.
Not that I mind a whole lot, I'm kind of used to it these days. It just doesn't leave John and I on a very equal playing ground. I imagine that it'll even itself out soon enough once Oliver's here, although probably more towards my side of not being able to do anything.
It's so strange to me, how far different we are than we were two years ago, and how very much the same. The more things change the more they stay the same, right? We've had high points and low points. In just the past year we've seen our highest point, and we're now at our lowest. Through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer... yeah, we've been there. We got pregnant in a high point, and will be having Oliver in our lowest. It all builds character, I suppose. I guess the important thing here is though we've seen the light at the end of the tunnel only to get blasted back with earth shattering force once we neared it, we're still holding hands and laughing together as we trudge through the darkness back towards where we think we remember the light. As long as we keep fighting for that light, though we can no longer remember what it feels like, we'll be okay. While Oliver will bring a light of his own, I'm sure he'll also cause a back peddle of his own right. Yet we'll all have to just bunch together and hunker down against the cold. We'll either make it, or we won't, and as long as we try that's all we can do. I am determined to keep on trying, to keep on holding on to our love above all else and the knowledge that if we were there once, we can get there again. Somehow, someway, though it may be more difficult than it was initially, though there may be a whole lot more sacrifice. We can get there. We have to.
So now, on our second anniversary I can promise you the same thing I did on our first, and since I pledged my heart and life to yours.
Everything that makes me who I am
was yours before this moment
it shall be yours always
You are my soul mate
my best friend
my ally against the world
my moment outside of time
you are my fondest memorywas yours before this moment
it shall be yours always
You are my soul mate
my best friend
my ally against the world
my moment outside of time
my fiercest desire
my strongest wish
It is because of you
I laugh
I smile
I dream
I will love you
respect you
and be honest with you
always
When life is easy
or when it is a struggle
when our love is simple
and when it is an effort
I will live with you
and laugh with you.
From this day forward,
you will never walk alone.
I will rejoice in your delights
and fight your battles by your side
I will support what you strive to accomplish
and encourage you intellectually, emotionally and spiritually
I will try to see the world as you see it
or at the very least, respect your unique perspective
I will be the shoulder on which you lean
the rock on which you rest
the joy of your heart
I will comfort your body with mine
mirror your soul with my own
and share with you all that I have and will have
I promise not only to give these things
but to receive them from you as well
to speak and to listen
to be both friend, and lover
You have my body
my mind
my heart
my soul
Everything that makes me who I am
was yours before this moment
it shall be yours always
♥ 19 months ♥ 24 months ♥ 40 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
Friday, June 22, 2012
23 months and 31 weeks
At 31 weeks pregnant, I feel like I'm more baby than woman. I cannot only just feel Oliver when he's trying to test his ninja skills, but all the time as a sort of pressure wherever he's laying. I can only imagine what this is going to be like when he's 7.5lbs instead of 3.3... I can't believe he's really going to over double in weight. I feel so giant already and like I'm growing inches per day. It's definitely going to take a while to lose all this... baby, I bet. Although if it took nine months to put it on, it should probably take nine months to take it off. Unfortunately.
While Oliver's due date is in nine weeks, full term is six to eleven weeks from now. Six tiny, little weeks and I could have my baby boy with me in the real world. I should probably get on getting a car seat, stroller, breast pump, nursing clothes/bra, bottles, & milk storage.
Yeah.... babies.
What else is in Stephanie's life lately? Not much, really. I don't feel like doing much other than putting my feet up and relaxing. I want to go out and do something on occasion, but have been too broke to really do anything about it. Which... really worries me. We'll make it all work somehow I suppose. At least for the first few months Oliver will have clothes to wear and, as long as I get a breast pump and milk storage, food to eat without us having to buy much more than diapers.
I'm mostly just feeling blessed these days. Amazing friends who are there to help us out even when we tell them not to. Family that is there to throw an awesome baby shower and help Oliver get what he needs before he's born. A husband that will meticulously paint my toe nails because I can't reach them anymore. A job that's cool with me taking however long I want off with the baby and is giving me a promotion when I get back (if only I could get that raise now!). My only concerns are financial - like how on Earth am I going to afford the $300 /month health insurance while I'm not working, not to mention all the other bills...
Blarg.
In other news, Johnathan and I have been "married" 23 months today! This past year has flown by in less than the blink of an eye. Two years isn't that terribly long (my aunt/sister Melissa is celebrating 10 years today with my uncle/broinlaw Steve!) to be married - it feels like we just got married... but also like we've been married as long as I can remember. Like John's always been there. It seems the older I get, the quicker time moves. Being married for ten years with an eight year old son seems a life-time away, but it's right there on the horizon.
♥ 18 months ♥ 23 months ♥ 39 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
While Oliver's due date is in nine weeks, full term is six to eleven weeks from now. Six tiny, little weeks and I could have my baby boy with me in the real world. I should probably get on getting a car seat, stroller, breast pump, nursing clothes/bra, bottles, & milk storage.
Yeah.... babies.
What else is in Stephanie's life lately? Not much, really. I don't feel like doing much other than putting my feet up and relaxing. I want to go out and do something on occasion, but have been too broke to really do anything about it. Which... really worries me. We'll make it all work somehow I suppose. At least for the first few months Oliver will have clothes to wear and, as long as I get a breast pump and milk storage, food to eat without us having to buy much more than diapers.
I'm mostly just feeling blessed these days. Amazing friends who are there to help us out even when we tell them not to. Family that is there to throw an awesome baby shower and help Oliver get what he needs before he's born. A husband that will meticulously paint my toe nails because I can't reach them anymore. A job that's cool with me taking however long I want off with the baby and is giving me a promotion when I get back (if only I could get that raise now!). My only concerns are financial - like how on Earth am I going to afford the $300 /month health insurance while I'm not working, not to mention all the other bills...
Blarg.
In other news, Johnathan and I have been "married" 23 months today! This past year has flown by in less than the blink of an eye. Two years isn't that terribly long (my aunt/sister Melissa is celebrating 10 years today with my uncle/broinlaw Steve!) to be married - it feels like we just got married... but also like we've been married as long as I can remember. Like John's always been there. It seems the older I get, the quicker time moves. Being married for ten years with an eight year old son seems a life-time away, but it's right there on the horizon.
♥ 18 months ♥ 23 months ♥ 39 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
Sunday, March 25, 2012
3 Years
March 22nd, 2009 is when it all began....
Three years together.
Just about as long living together... (shhh we don't break social norms!)
One year, eight months since forever I do.
Eighteen weeks into "Oh my goodness, what ever shall we do?!"
Growing, learning, loving. Praying, hoping, wishing.
It's been a wild ride, this love. Everything seems to always be happening, yet never at the right time. Or... things seem to happen at the right time, then everything else falls apart.
Hand in hand, we remain. Two heartbeats against the world....three heartbeats against the world.
Here in a few months hopefully I'll be able to write about all the joy I have for something else as well.
I get to find out the sex of the bell-pepper sized acrobat growing inside of me. Then we'll be able to formulate and scheme just a little bit better, be able to narrow our gaze to just a few names, and finally know whether 'it' is a he or a she. Whether we're into tiny little suit vests or big ol' tutus.
Three years we started this... and here's to three more... and so on, and so on.
♥ 15 months ♥ 20 months ♥ 36 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
Monday, February 20, 2012
13 weeks, 4 days
Yes, I've been holding out on writing a blog.
You see... I sat down and started to write one but all I could think was...
If they're following me, my life, then...maybe they care, and if they care they should know
I'M PREGNANT
I'm mean... no big deal or anything, just creating life in my belly.
So...A bit about life, an update, and such.
Uh.. let's see... the last update I did was for our one year legal marriage anniversary. Well, that was a day before Christmas Eve.
On Christmas Eve work was slow, so I took some VTO and went to Kmart with some coworkers. I grabbed a coat for Johnathan for Christmas (one which he returned b/c apparently I have no style), and a pregnancy test. I was three days late and had felt like I'd been PMSing for a month so... it seemed like a good idea. A coworker Sam prompted me too (essentially forced me? :-p). I then went back to work and took it...because why not. There they were... two pink lines staring at me in the face. Hugs and such and me walking up to my manager and asking to speak to her in private and the first thing she says is "you're pregnant, aren't you?" and I was all... "uh.....yes?" Apparently that made sense, or something.
I put the stick in John's coat, go home, and have him "try the coat on to make sure it fits" and ask him to check the pockets. I pee on the second stick, just to be sure. We have a good freak out and go back to ignoring the situation at hand. He doesn't want to tell anyone because of the genetic instances of miscarriages and the fact that our roommates said they'd have issues with a baby, and our due date puts us a good two months before our lease is up. So... of course I tell my bestie and the grandparents, but ask them to keep it mum.
Nausea, complete loss of sex drive, hyper smell, all that good stuff.
Then work fires me, for a not great reason, but a reason nonetheless. So, they cover themselves, and don't have to worry about covering any maternity leave stuff. Good for them.
Unemployed, I make my way to the doctor's office on January 23rd. See the heart of my little baby thunking away, but that's about it because he's sooo small.
January 26th Johnathan gets laid off from his job... =( Because he already filed for unemployment earlier in the year when he was making little... his monthly income is now about what his weekly income was while working...
Feb. 14th I go to the Perinatal clinic to get tested for Down's and Trisomy-18. I get really good pictures of the baby, sucking her thumb and everything. (I'm trying to switch up pronouns... but he/him will probably squeak out more...)
Feb 15th my roommate Chue lets me know that one of his coworkers quit and they need someone ASAP. I'm familiar with the tools, and the business, so they hire me that day, and I start on the 16th. I'm waiting to tell this employer until it is quite apparent that I've got a parasite taking over my insides to avoid any 'reasonable' firings or anything of the like. I probably will lose the job once I give birth though, especially since a coworker has scheduled a month long vacation which starts the same time the baby is due.
Today (Feb. 20) I go in to get the lady parts swabbed for cancer and go over results (and hear baby's heartbeat!). I'm negative on all the bad stuff and my chances of having a baby with Down's or Trisomy-18 are significantly lower than other people my age. I've got another appointment mid-March for followup testing and to check for spinal cord/stomach defects.
Since everything from the first round of screening looked good, and I'm passed the first trimester where miscarriages are significantly higher... there's no denying that there's a baby in there! (Not to mention the fact I can no longer button any of my pants.... :-\)
So... there you go world. I am scared, excited, stressed.... Grateful that I have a job now, worried that John does not. Thankful that our government recognizes the need for pregnant mommies to be to have free/affordable health care. Looking forward to having a baby shower and getting in a room of people that all know I'm pregnant and are happy about it. I welcome hand-me-downs, words of advice/encouragement, and most of all --- love. I've wanted this for so long, and now that it's here... I'm honestly terrified. There's so much to do, to be done... now and then forever. I'm so blessed to have the love of my family and amazing husband and I know that somehow, someway we'll make it through. I'm anxious to meet the baby - for one plus one to equal three.
♥All because two people fell in love. ♥
Oh, and, it's close enough. Love you Tan!
♥ 14 months ♥ 19 months ♥ 35 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
Friday, December 23, 2011
Day late...
...but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?
I haven't done one of these in a while...well, I haven't posted in a while either, so I guess it just about evens itself out.
Happy Anniversary my love! While it's not our more celebrated date, it's there. Our signing the papers and now it's official day. I think giving our Christmas gifts early and a super tasty dinner was a fine way to commemorate the day, even if it wasn't planned out that way.
Tan, my tan. I never would have thought so much would happen in just one short year. Look how far we've come. Not where we wanted to be, but still together and still loving each other. Still having each other's back and sharing in this life we're building. Brick by brick. Arm in arm. Always.
You are still my forever, still passing the porch test, still being that wonderful misfit I've loved for so long. I can't imagine a life without you in it, I don't want to. There is no way out, no back up plan, no expiration date.
I can't wait to build up our life even more, to purchase this home in which we live, to have actual children fill the rooms instead of roommates. I see us in a few years, lighting up the same tree, hanging our own ornaments, being where we want to be.
It's been nearly three years since we took a leap; almost a year and a half since we were married in the eyes of God and all we love, a year since we were married in the eyes of the state. While each chapter has its up and downs, each one has ended with the story being better than it was before. For that, I am grateful, for you I am grateful.
♥ 12 months ♥ 17 months ♥ 33 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
I haven't done one of these in a while...well, I haven't posted in a while either, so I guess it just about evens itself out.
Happy Anniversary my love! While it's not our more celebrated date, it's there. Our signing the papers and now it's official day. I think giving our Christmas gifts early and a super tasty dinner was a fine way to commemorate the day, even if it wasn't planned out that way.
Tan, my tan. I never would have thought so much would happen in just one short year. Look how far we've come. Not where we wanted to be, but still together and still loving each other. Still having each other's back and sharing in this life we're building. Brick by brick. Arm in arm. Always.
You are still my forever, still passing the porch test, still being that wonderful misfit I've loved for so long. I can't imagine a life without you in it, I don't want to. There is no way out, no back up plan, no expiration date.
I can't wait to build up our life even more, to purchase this home in which we live, to have actual children fill the rooms instead of roommates. I see us in a few years, lighting up the same tree, hanging our own ornaments, being where we want to be.
It's been nearly three years since we took a leap; almost a year and a half since we were married in the eyes of God and all we love, a year since we were married in the eyes of the state. While each chapter has its up and downs, each one has ended with the story being better than it was before. For that, I am grateful, for you I am grateful.
♥ 12 months ♥ 17 months ♥ 33 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
Monday, August 22, 2011
13 Months
I can't believe it's this time again. My monthly time to sit back, reflect, breathe. To erase the stress and ignore the flaws. To try and find the chewy warm center of my heart that still beats pure and simply happiness. It's been so constricted by anxiety, so hardened by broken promises and lazy ambitions, it's hard to find it sometimes. Wondering how to stretch the money, how to balance everything we have in our lives with how much income we have. Balance practical unemployment with rent, bills, weddings to attend. Not sure how to get tux, let alone gifts, let alone gas to get there in the first place. Feeling like we're broken... swimming in a sea of stinging eels and shadows covering any glimpse of light.
I try, to cling to you. The memories, the way I used to feel. The heart that used to beat in time with mine. The man I thought you would become. It's true, you haven't met my expectations. Yet, I haven't met mine either. We live in chaos constantly and neither one of us lifts a finger to change the situation. So, perhaps we're both to blame for the dead-end we've reached in our life. Maybe a move will change things up. Fresh start. Again.
I can't believe it's been a month since our anniversary trip. And I, longing to return to live on the coast every day. Trying to find ways to make it happen. Trying to show you that it could all be okay. Everything. If only we had sand between our toes. If only we fell asleep, every night, to the sound of the waves. Maybe it's just me projecting problems to unforeseeable outcomes. Like in my prior post, where everything would be okay if I were just fitter and prettier.... maybe everything would be okay if we didn't live here anymore. If we didn't drive these same roads so well known that we could do it with our eyes closed. If we had a new place to live and breathe. Salt water in the air, in our hearts, in our taffy. If the weather were gentler and more even-tempered, maybe we would be too.
And maybe all it will take is for you to come face to face with yourself. Really analyze who you want to be, the kind of man you want your children to have as a father, the kind of spouse you'd like to be - and realize that it will take change, but it will be worth it. It will be hard, perhaps, to shake away the foolishness of youth and step forward in the shiny new skin of adulthood. But you'll be fresh, and you'll have room to grow. You'll no longer be trapped in your current plague of old, stale, decaying.
Perhaps I need to do the same. To realize where I am in life and where I want to be. To make the changes necessary to move forward and do them regardless of the consequences. Although, if I were to do this, I think I would lose you. I'm not prepared for that in the slightest. For I feel that my chances for happiness are far greater if our stale, dead skin is rubbing up against one another's than if I were to shed mine and advance beyond where you remain stuck. So I will wait until you are ready, as long as I am able. I will let my scales be heavy with their burden until you are ready to shed yours as well. Trying to keep the fabric of our existence woven tight no matter how difficult it is when you're running with scissors. Lying in wait, perhaps our useless particles with slough off each other's until we emerge healthy and renewed together, in sync. I'll do my best not to scratch in the meantime, though I'll prod you to.
I'll do my best not to curl up and cry with the pain of it all, this stagnant pool in which we live. I'll do my best to look to the skies and hope that maybe, maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe our longer than average gestation means we'll emerge able to learn at a rapid rate. Maybe though we're so extremely slow to develop, once we hit that point we'll sky rocket and catch up to all those who have slithered so far past us. Though riddled with doubt that this is the case, I try to cling to it. Try so hard to think of something which will ignite that spark and let us fly with the full breadth of our wing span.
This doesn't mean I do not love you. This doesn't mean that I do not still want forever. You are my primary focus, my main objective, my sole goal. I will try to mend our broken bones and bumps and bruises before I turn to the world. I will be here for you if ever you need assistance, mending, consoling, strength. I will be here when you learn, when you adapt, when you grow into an adult. I will be here every step of the way, helping, holding, loving and laughing. And yes, at times, nagging and pleading and begging you along. But, mostly loving. Mostly caring, and whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Dealing with the empty spaces, the scrapes and snags as best I know how. Every day I lose a little bit of myself to the worrisome ways of the world, every day my faith is waning. Perhaps it will be renewed, perhaps it will simply fade away until the realism outlook overtakes any trace of optimism I try to force-feed myself.
This post isn't nearly as happy as I set out to make it. Not nearly as full of my love for you as it should be. I guess that's just my state of mind of late. Preoccupied, distant, worrying and fretting and trying to make it work against the cold hard mathematics that it simply won't. I do love you endlessly. I am happy at moments, when you wrap your arms around me and shut out the world. When we lay tangled and focus only on each other, ignoring the constant responsibility nagging at our minds.
♥ 8 months ♥ 13 months ♥ 29 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
We've a very, very tough road ahead of us. Our toughest yet, and it's only getting tougher. Hold my hand tight, and let's jump into this frozen pool and emerge ready to take on the world.
I try, to cling to you. The memories, the way I used to feel. The heart that used to beat in time with mine. The man I thought you would become. It's true, you haven't met my expectations. Yet, I haven't met mine either. We live in chaos constantly and neither one of us lifts a finger to change the situation. So, perhaps we're both to blame for the dead-end we've reached in our life. Maybe a move will change things up. Fresh start. Again.
I can't believe it's been a month since our anniversary trip. And I, longing to return to live on the coast every day. Trying to find ways to make it happen. Trying to show you that it could all be okay. Everything. If only we had sand between our toes. If only we fell asleep, every night, to the sound of the waves. Maybe it's just me projecting problems to unforeseeable outcomes. Like in my prior post, where everything would be okay if I were just fitter and prettier.... maybe everything would be okay if we didn't live here anymore. If we didn't drive these same roads so well known that we could do it with our eyes closed. If we had a new place to live and breathe. Salt water in the air, in our hearts, in our taffy. If the weather were gentler and more even-tempered, maybe we would be too.
And maybe all it will take is for you to come face to face with yourself. Really analyze who you want to be, the kind of man you want your children to have as a father, the kind of spouse you'd like to be - and realize that it will take change, but it will be worth it. It will be hard, perhaps, to shake away the foolishness of youth and step forward in the shiny new skin of adulthood. But you'll be fresh, and you'll have room to grow. You'll no longer be trapped in your current plague of old, stale, decaying.
Perhaps I need to do the same. To realize where I am in life and where I want to be. To make the changes necessary to move forward and do them regardless of the consequences. Although, if I were to do this, I think I would lose you. I'm not prepared for that in the slightest. For I feel that my chances for happiness are far greater if our stale, dead skin is rubbing up against one another's than if I were to shed mine and advance beyond where you remain stuck. So I will wait until you are ready, as long as I am able. I will let my scales be heavy with their burden until you are ready to shed yours as well. Trying to keep the fabric of our existence woven tight no matter how difficult it is when you're running with scissors. Lying in wait, perhaps our useless particles with slough off each other's until we emerge healthy and renewed together, in sync. I'll do my best not to scratch in the meantime, though I'll prod you to.
I'll do my best not to curl up and cry with the pain of it all, this stagnant pool in which we live. I'll do my best to look to the skies and hope that maybe, maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe our longer than average gestation means we'll emerge able to learn at a rapid rate. Maybe though we're so extremely slow to develop, once we hit that point we'll sky rocket and catch up to all those who have slithered so far past us. Though riddled with doubt that this is the case, I try to cling to it. Try so hard to think of something which will ignite that spark and let us fly with the full breadth of our wing span.
This doesn't mean I do not love you. This doesn't mean that I do not still want forever. You are my primary focus, my main objective, my sole goal. I will try to mend our broken bones and bumps and bruises before I turn to the world. I will be here for you if ever you need assistance, mending, consoling, strength. I will be here when you learn, when you adapt, when you grow into an adult. I will be here every step of the way, helping, holding, loving and laughing. And yes, at times, nagging and pleading and begging you along. But, mostly loving. Mostly caring, and whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Dealing with the empty spaces, the scrapes and snags as best I know how. Every day I lose a little bit of myself to the worrisome ways of the world, every day my faith is waning. Perhaps it will be renewed, perhaps it will simply fade away until the realism outlook overtakes any trace of optimism I try to force-feed myself.
This post isn't nearly as happy as I set out to make it. Not nearly as full of my love for you as it should be. I guess that's just my state of mind of late. Preoccupied, distant, worrying and fretting and trying to make it work against the cold hard mathematics that it simply won't. I do love you endlessly. I am happy at moments, when you wrap your arms around me and shut out the world. When we lay tangled and focus only on each other, ignoring the constant responsibility nagging at our minds.
♥ 8 months ♥ 13 months ♥ 29 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
We've a very, very tough road ahead of us. Our toughest yet, and it's only getting tougher. Hold my hand tight, and let's jump into this frozen pool and emerge ready to take on the world.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
My Awesome Weekend
Thursday: I had previously scheduled this day off, because I wanted to have a week-long extravaganza with the husband to celebrate our one year anniversary and make up for not having a honey moon. But, since I got Joe to VTO me for Monday, I figured I'd probably go in. . . Yeah, that didn't happen. Instead we went to Roxy's for lunch, drove around (discovered that Johnathan's 'brand new' bike actually has 15k+ miles) and I dyed my hair an amazing copper color
. It's one of those, why wasn't I born with this shades. Very much in love with it at the moment.
Friday: Planned to leave once John got off work at 2pm, and here he comes in at 8am raring to go. Not so happy as, you know, I'm me and don't wake up until 11am. Eventually he gets me out of bed, ready to go, stuff packed. He fell asleep during the packing process, and so we ended up leaving at about 2pm anyway. We drove through the lovely summer afternoon with the top down, wind whipping in our hair to Lincoln City, where we had planned to stay at the Edgecliff Motel. The rooms were surprisingly nice, and the view was breathtaking.
We plan on returning next year. The staff were all friendly, accommodating, and kind - even when we bugged them at 1am trying to find pizza. We met up with Josh and Melissa who were in town planning their wedding and taking care of related things. They decided they'd like to stay the night so once we all got checked in and set up we headed out to the Surfrider Resort to get some dinner. Johnathan had to have his seafood buffet, but it was a bit on the disappointing end. The fish was eh, it was all kind of random assortment. There were a few tasty items, a salmon pasta dish was quite good, but really the highlight was the view and the wine we ordered - I can't remember the kind. We then headed to the liquor store to get some goodies for the night. Josh and Melissa picked up a bottle of orange whipped vodka and orange schnapps of sorts for creamsicles, and John and I got a pomegranate liquor and a weird Asian vodka -- picked because of the pretty bottles - with some 7-up to mix. Somehow we convinces ourselves this didn't count as drinking soda. The beach was pretty cold by this point, and very windy, so we mixed our drinks in the Poland's room and played an all to informative never have I ever game. There were some very memorable quotes... =D After drinking for a while we decided pizza was required so bothered the front desk and found out the only place open was Safeway. After we got back, John and I decided it was a good break for some alone time and we headed back to our room.
Saturday: A crow woke me up at the crack of dawn with his incessant cawing. Annoying, but the sunrise was beautiful.
After catching a few more ZZZs, I threw on some clothes, roused the Tan from his slumber and got some breakfast from the office.... which consisted of some fruit, yogurt, bagels, and cereal. Pretty basic continental breakfast. The Poland's were up and ready to go, so they headed to the beach while we finished watching Little Miss Sunshine
and got ready to go... and in Johnathan's case, napped. We met up on the beach and explored some tide-pools. All we really saw were some anemones before the tide started coming back in.
Then we headed to Galluci's for some non-exciting, overpriced pizza. Then we headed to the casino. This was my first time ever being to a casino, and I was hoping for some beginners luck. However, in a little over an hour, our set limit was gone... there we some times we were up too - but it was fun, so we kept going.... which I guess is the whole point. After the casino we parted ways with the Poland's and headed back to our room. We grabbed a few ZZZs before dinner and got all dolled up to go to the Blackfish Cafe.
Before we went to leave we went on to the balcony to catch some pictures and look at the sunset, and we hear this bagpipe music wafting from somewhere to our left. It was a really awesome way to start the night, and kind of neat to see an old guy bag-piping it up into the sunset.
The cafe... I really cannot say enough good things about this place! Our server was either an amazing person, or an awesome actor, and either way he was on point, knowledgeable, and seemed very warm. Our wine for the evening was splendid, the food was some of the best I've ever had. Johnathan had the rib-eye steak and I had the pork brisket. We both were amazed by the deliciousness hitting our senses. We wrapped up dinner to go to savor the flavor for the next day and to indulge in the highly acclaimed (as far as Yelp went anyway) homemade ding dong. Not ohmygoodness amazing, but it definitely did not disappoint. The only thing not amazing about the evening was the price-tag.
Sunday: We woke up to the first hint of fog/cloud our whole trip, grabbed some continental breakfast and headed out to meet up with Brittany/Corey at their apartment in Salem as it was kind of on the way home. We hung out for a bit, playing with animals until Corey got home and we headed to the Original Pancake house. It was pretty much a giant letdown after the hype Britt & Corey gave it, but... that's okay. After visiting a bit more we headed homeward. I5 decided to be a cocksucker from hell... and the day decided to be as hot. After driving an hour and a half, we stopped in Wilsonville for some Route44 Cherry Limeades from Sonic, and for some browsing and air-conditioning at Fry's. I get pretty affected by hot weather/the sun, and I was having a hard time of the trip. After wandering around Fry's for a bit, we decided it was cool enough / traffic had improved enough for us to give it another go. And... here we are.
All in all I think it was just what the doctor ordered. Johnathan and I got to know our friends a bit better, and discover that vacationing together or living together would probably be awesome. We got plenty of time to spend with one another, and I think that a spark was definitely rekindled, though I didn't know one was missing in the first place. We've got a lot of alcohol left over from the trip to carry us in memories, and I had the foresight to take a few snapshots as well. Thanks to all those that made this weekend happen. Now - back to being poor! True, we could have spent the money paying people back, or on a new microwave, or even for one of us to get our marriage tattoo... but, I think that it formed a wonderful memory, and could be the start of an awesome tradition.
. It's one of those, why wasn't I born with this shades. Very much in love with it at the moment.Friday: Planned to leave once John got off work at 2pm, and here he comes in at 8am raring to go. Not so happy as, you know, I'm me and don't wake up until 11am. Eventually he gets me out of bed, ready to go, stuff packed. He fell asleep during the packing process, and so we ended up leaving at about 2pm anyway. We drove through the lovely summer afternoon with the top down, wind whipping in our hair to Lincoln City, where we had planned to stay at the Edgecliff Motel. The rooms were surprisingly nice, and the view was breathtaking.
We plan on returning next year. The staff were all friendly, accommodating, and kind - even when we bugged them at 1am trying to find pizza. We met up with Josh and Melissa who were in town planning their wedding and taking care of related things. They decided they'd like to stay the night so once we all got checked in and set up we headed out to the Surfrider Resort to get some dinner. Johnathan had to have his seafood buffet, but it was a bit on the disappointing end. The fish was eh, it was all kind of random assortment. There were a few tasty items, a salmon pasta dish was quite good, but really the highlight was the view and the wine we ordered - I can't remember the kind. We then headed to the liquor store to get some goodies for the night. Josh and Melissa picked up a bottle of orange whipped vodka and orange schnapps of sorts for creamsicles, and John and I got a pomegranate liquor and a weird Asian vodka -- picked because of the pretty bottles - with some 7-up to mix. Somehow we convinces ourselves this didn't count as drinking soda. The beach was pretty cold by this point, and very windy, so we mixed our drinks in the Poland's room and played an all to informative never have I ever game. There were some very memorable quotes... =D After drinking for a while we decided pizza was required so bothered the front desk and found out the only place open was Safeway. After we got back, John and I decided it was a good break for some alone time and we headed back to our room.
Saturday: A crow woke me up at the crack of dawn with his incessant cawing. Annoying, but the sunrise was beautiful.
After catching a few more ZZZs, I threw on some clothes, roused the Tan from his slumber and got some breakfast from the office.... which consisted of some fruit, yogurt, bagels, and cereal. Pretty basic continental breakfast. The Poland's were up and ready to go, so they headed to the beach while we finished watching Little Miss Sunshine
and got ready to go... and in Johnathan's case, napped. We met up on the beach and explored some tide-pools. All we really saw were some anemones before the tide started coming back in.Then we headed to Galluci's for some non-exciting, overpriced pizza. Then we headed to the casino. This was my first time ever being to a casino, and I was hoping for some beginners luck. However, in a little over an hour, our set limit was gone... there we some times we were up too - but it was fun, so we kept going.... which I guess is the whole point. After the casino we parted ways with the Poland's and headed back to our room. We grabbed a few ZZZs before dinner and got all dolled up to go to the Blackfish Cafe.
Before we went to leave we went on to the balcony to catch some pictures and look at the sunset, and we hear this bagpipe music wafting from somewhere to our left. It was a really awesome way to start the night, and kind of neat to see an old guy bag-piping it up into the sunset.
The cafe... I really cannot say enough good things about this place! Our server was either an amazing person, or an awesome actor, and either way he was on point, knowledgeable, and seemed very warm. Our wine for the evening was splendid, the food was some of the best I've ever had. Johnathan had the rib-eye steak and I had the pork brisket. We both were amazed by the deliciousness hitting our senses. We wrapped up dinner to go to savor the flavor for the next day and to indulge in the highly acclaimed (as far as Yelp went anyway) homemade ding dong. Not ohmygoodness amazing, but it definitely did not disappoint. The only thing not amazing about the evening was the price-tag.
Sunday: We woke up to the first hint of fog/cloud our whole trip, grabbed some continental breakfast and headed out to meet up with Brittany/Corey at their apartment in Salem as it was kind of on the way home. We hung out for a bit, playing with animals until Corey got home and we headed to the Original Pancake house. It was pretty much a giant letdown after the hype Britt & Corey gave it, but... that's okay. After visiting a bit more we headed homeward. I5 decided to be a cocksucker from hell... and the day decided to be as hot. After driving an hour and a half, we stopped in Wilsonville for some Route44 Cherry Limeades from Sonic, and for some browsing and air-conditioning at Fry's. I get pretty affected by hot weather/the sun, and I was having a hard time of the trip. After wandering around Fry's for a bit, we decided it was cool enough / traffic had improved enough for us to give it another go. And... here we are.
All in all I think it was just what the doctor ordered. Johnathan and I got to know our friends a bit better, and discover that vacationing together or living together would probably be awesome. We got plenty of time to spend with one another, and I think that a spark was definitely rekindled, though I didn't know one was missing in the first place. We've got a lot of alcohol left over from the trip to carry us in memories, and I had the foresight to take a few snapshots as well. Thanks to all those that made this weekend happen. Now - back to being poor! True, we could have spent the money paying people back, or on a new microwave, or even for one of us to get our marriage tattoo... but, I think that it formed a wonderful memory, and could be the start of an awesome tradition.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
One Year
365 Days.
One Rx-7, Kia, and Dodge Stealth down. Not to mention a Rebel and Boulevard.
I've had short hair, brown hair, purple hair, red/pink striped hair, and copper hair.
Kidney stones, epic colds, fevers, busted knees and tummy aches.
Guns and glory, pinching pennies.
Drama tore us away from friends. Which have just re-entered our life.
We've binged and cut back, fought and made up, flown on top of the world, and been too scared to leave our cave.
Yet, it's all seemed like just the smallest blink of an eye. Just a whisper, and the days roll away.
Words cannot express my love for you, the dedication I have towards our marriage and the functionality of our relationship. The tides of fortune have washed over us, and withdrew. We can beat it, overcome it all, together.
I remain in love with you, as I did on our wedding day. You are still my soul mate, my best friend, my ally against the world, my moment outside of time. You are still my fondest memory, my fiercest desire, my strongest wish.
You are my Tan, my panda, my lover, my everything.
♥ 7 months ♥ 12 months ♥ 28 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
One Rx-7, Kia, and Dodge Stealth down. Not to mention a Rebel and Boulevard.
I've had short hair, brown hair, purple hair, red/pink striped hair, and copper hair.
Kidney stones, epic colds, fevers, busted knees and tummy aches.
Guns and glory, pinching pennies.
Drama tore us away from friends. Which have just re-entered our life.
We've binged and cut back, fought and made up, flown on top of the world, and been too scared to leave our cave.
Yet, it's all seemed like just the smallest blink of an eye. Just a whisper, and the days roll away.
Words cannot express my love for you, the dedication I have towards our marriage and the functionality of our relationship. The tides of fortune have washed over us, and withdrew. We can beat it, overcome it all, together.
I remain in love with you, as I did on our wedding day. You are still my soul mate, my best friend, my ally against the world, my moment outside of time. You are still my fondest memory, my fiercest desire, my strongest wish.
You are my Tan, my panda, my lover, my everything.
♥ 7 months ♥ 12 months ♥ 28 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Eight hundred twenty-two days ago we agreed we'd start a journey.
Six hundred sixty-eight days ago we said it'd be forever.
Three hundred thirty-four days ago we declared it on the beach.
One hundred eighty days ago, we whispered it in front of a Christmas tree.
I think that's the right math...
I love you now, as I loved you then. Though the world looks bleak sometimes, though we have had our disappointments in the world and we've been let down and misrepresented, we've never been anything but us. I loved you eight hundred days ago, I'll love you until the last of all days. Until there is no sky, no earth, no moon, no stars, no breath or energy left in any microcosmic space across the expanse of the universe - I will love you.
As long as I am able, I will care for you and take care of you. I will be there to brush the hair off your face, hold your knees when they ache, bring you a cool cloth for your forehead. I will be there to hold you, to be held by you.
We have a battle ahead of us to make it to the top. To appease our obligations and find our niche in the world. We've found it in each other, let's carve it out of society as well. I will always share your burden, we will split the weight of the world across both our shoulders.We will make it, because failure is not an option, because we can live on love, because... we just have to. We both have been through so much in our lives, but have put the past aside and said enough. We have broken the cycles that plague so many we've known and have emerged, reborn in each other's love.
"Just for this moment... as long as you're mine, come be how you want to - and see how bright we shine. Borrow the moonlight, until it is through...and know I'll be here holding you. As long as you're mine." - Wicked
♥ 6 months ♥ 11 months ♥ 27 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
Six hundred sixty-eight days ago we said it'd be forever.
Three hundred thirty-four days ago we declared it on the beach.
One hundred eighty days ago, we whispered it in front of a Christmas tree.
I think that's the right math...
I love you now, as I loved you then. Though the world looks bleak sometimes, though we have had our disappointments in the world and we've been let down and misrepresented, we've never been anything but us. I loved you eight hundred days ago, I'll love you until the last of all days. Until there is no sky, no earth, no moon, no stars, no breath or energy left in any microcosmic space across the expanse of the universe - I will love you.
As long as I am able, I will care for you and take care of you. I will be there to brush the hair off your face, hold your knees when they ache, bring you a cool cloth for your forehead. I will be there to hold you, to be held by you.
We have a battle ahead of us to make it to the top. To appease our obligations and find our niche in the world. We've found it in each other, let's carve it out of society as well. I will always share your burden, we will split the weight of the world across both our shoulders.We will make it, because failure is not an option, because we can live on love, because... we just have to. We both have been through so much in our lives, but have put the past aside and said enough. We have broken the cycles that plague so many we've known and have emerged, reborn in each other's love.
"Just for this moment... as long as you're mine, come be how you want to - and see how bright we shine. Borrow the moonlight, until it is through...and know I'll be here holding you. As long as you're mine." - Wicked
♥ 6 months ♥ 11 months ♥ 27 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
Thursday, April 21, 2011
what's been up for the past month
Here we are again, the anniversary post. The only thing lately I've been posting at all. The dream posts kind of died out before they really got started, my sleeping schedule is wonky now so I'm trying to get every minute I can - which usually results with me falling back asleep as soon as possible without recording anything. And, by the time I'm actually up for good, there isn't much of a good recollection left worth anything.
Life is good these days, though still busy and less than perfect monetarily. Johnathan received a pretty big acknowledgment at work, which resulted in quite a bit of money in Amazon gift certificates. After buying an outfit, a microwave for the folks, a vacuum cleaner, and some facial products - it's just about gone. Johnathan of course had to buy a motorcycle riding outfit which was a pretty significant chunk of that. I managed to use some of that to buy a pretty awesome mother's day gift, I won't say what it is here just in case the mother decides to read - but, I think it rocks. I hope she'll agree. I'll hopefully be able to get a couple more outfits, a hair dryer, and some loaf pans out of the remaining balance.
Speaking of loaf pans... I'm pretty excited that I received an Amish bread starter today from a coworker. In 10 days I should have some pretty tasty bread - and three starters to give away - let me know if you want one! If I keep it going, I should have delicious bread every 10 days, and three more starters to give away (unless I go crazy and bake a bunch of loafs). If Johnathan likes the bread I'll try to keep it going for, forever I guess.
Johnathan thinks he needs a motorcycle... he bought the outfit as I mentioned above (boy those specialty items are EXPENSIVE) and has worked out a deal with a friend to buy a bike. The only thing is that we can't afford it, and it makes me super nervous to have him riding one. 22 is much to young to be a widow. Maybe I'll get used to it, and even ride with him... but I doubt it. They kind of scare me... a lot.
With the Nintendo, guns, musical instruments, car stuff, etc. etc. piling up around us - you think the boy would take a break and be content with his life for just a moment. He's got this drive to learn, experience, and do just about everything. And none of it is free... which sucks for our wallets, but I guess is good for his mind. Which brings me to his anniversary present, but... I just can't decide what he'd like more... I think I've got it narrowed down to one though.
We need to clean out all of the stuff we have amassed throughout the past few years. We've got closets of stuff, clothes we've outgrown, things that haven't been used in at least a year. Have space for a garage sale, maybe you're in the same boat? Let me know!
I can't believe in three short months we will have been married a year. It does not seem all that long ago we were standing on the beach. We still haven't gone through our wedding photos yet! I desperately want to get some printed out - and hung on the wall. We've got my bouquet, and a bell, and his message in a bottle, that are all waiting for a place to be displayed and look awesome. A shrine of our love... but, something less creepy than the word 'shrine'.
Johnathan is really looking forward to getting a house with some friends in October. However, they've all got animals. And while I'm okay with another cat, or a bunny - I am very apprehensive about two full grown dogs. Very. As in, it's not going to happen unless their owner keeps them outside. I'm not against puppies, I love them... it's just that my cats are skiddish as is around new people, and they don't seem to get along well with other cats (although I know that changes after exposure), I couldn't even imagine them being okay with two giant, slobbering, clamoring beasts. I guess I'll let them have a meet and greet before I absolutely shut it down, but I can't see it going well. I am all for us getting a puppy when we get a house, something small and child-like that the cats will be able to grow into a bit before it becomes a giant thing. And, while it would be okay to have that many roommates as long as the house was big, I'd much rather try and find something John and I can afford just me and him and that will support a young one...
Johnathan talked things over with some management and I *think* he finally made the impression that he's tired of being stepped on and under appreciated for all the work he does and the awesome stats he has. It looks like that might lead to him getting a promotion pretty soon. Fingers crossed! We could use the little bit of extra cash flow, and he deserves the credit. Though, really, a manager position would be more suited to him, or something in HR, but... this is Stream we're talking about here. A management position would give us enough of a boost to start to pay off debt and save up money quickly...and if we played our cards right, would be enough for me to drop down to part time. (Here's hoping!)
I'm focusing so much on planning out everything we need to start this whole life thing going. Everything that I want to do, every milestone that should be accomplished. I can't help but feel like nothing is going to go anywhere for the next four years... and it makes me pretty sad. I think back on my life, where I hoped to be by now, and I'm so far behind. I'm glad that I didn't make these huge life decisions earlier, but I did have a partner who wanted them and was in a place where it was feasible. Now, there's no way I can even fathom having any money in the bank on pay day, let alone save up enough to furnish a house or put a down payment on one.
Tis life, I know... and I am so much in love, which helps. It still makes me feel like I need to do something to change it. To shake things up, to make things happen. I want to move forward instead of sitting on this stationary bike day after day, month after month, year after year. I know that good things come to those that wait, but I've waited. For what feels like so very, very long... In due time, in due time. Waiting for that breakthrough, that ah-ha moment, where something clicks in his mind and we're all of the sudden shifted from boy to man. From Pokemon to portfolios, apartment to house, sports cars to sedans, spending into saving, danger to diapers.
I am blessed to have Johnathan in my life. I look it him sometimes and am amazed by how much I love him, how much more we have to live in this life. Our life, and our dreams supersede my own. So, for now... we will continue on this circular loop, this roundabout of stagnation. Loving, living, and laughing when we can. There are plenty of exits, but it appears it's going to take more than idle conversations for that blinker to be turned on, and even more to adjust the wheel.
I'm ready when you are my love.
♥ 4 months ♥ 9 months ♥ 25 months ♥
Life is good these days, though still busy and less than perfect monetarily. Johnathan received a pretty big acknowledgment at work, which resulted in quite a bit of money in Amazon gift certificates. After buying an outfit, a microwave for the folks, a vacuum cleaner, and some facial products - it's just about gone. Johnathan of course had to buy a motorcycle riding outfit which was a pretty significant chunk of that. I managed to use some of that to buy a pretty awesome mother's day gift, I won't say what it is here just in case the mother decides to read - but, I think it rocks. I hope she'll agree. I'll hopefully be able to get a couple more outfits, a hair dryer, and some loaf pans out of the remaining balance.
Speaking of loaf pans... I'm pretty excited that I received an Amish bread starter today from a coworker. In 10 days I should have some pretty tasty bread - and three starters to give away - let me know if you want one! If I keep it going, I should have delicious bread every 10 days, and three more starters to give away (unless I go crazy and bake a bunch of loafs). If Johnathan likes the bread I'll try to keep it going for, forever I guess.
Johnathan thinks he needs a motorcycle... he bought the outfit as I mentioned above (boy those specialty items are EXPENSIVE) and has worked out a deal with a friend to buy a bike. The only thing is that we can't afford it, and it makes me super nervous to have him riding one. 22 is much to young to be a widow. Maybe I'll get used to it, and even ride with him... but I doubt it. They kind of scare me... a lot.
With the Nintendo, guns, musical instruments, car stuff, etc. etc. piling up around us - you think the boy would take a break and be content with his life for just a moment. He's got this drive to learn, experience, and do just about everything. And none of it is free... which sucks for our wallets, but I guess is good for his mind. Which brings me to his anniversary present, but... I just can't decide what he'd like more... I think I've got it narrowed down to one though.
We need to clean out all of the stuff we have amassed throughout the past few years. We've got closets of stuff, clothes we've outgrown, things that haven't been used in at least a year. Have space for a garage sale, maybe you're in the same boat? Let me know!
I can't believe in three short months we will have been married a year. It does not seem all that long ago we were standing on the beach. We still haven't gone through our wedding photos yet! I desperately want to get some printed out - and hung on the wall. We've got my bouquet, and a bell, and his message in a bottle, that are all waiting for a place to be displayed and look awesome. A shrine of our love... but, something less creepy than the word 'shrine'.
Johnathan is really looking forward to getting a house with some friends in October. However, they've all got animals. And while I'm okay with another cat, or a bunny - I am very apprehensive about two full grown dogs. Very. As in, it's not going to happen unless their owner keeps them outside. I'm not against puppies, I love them... it's just that my cats are skiddish as is around new people, and they don't seem to get along well with other cats (although I know that changes after exposure), I couldn't even imagine them being okay with two giant, slobbering, clamoring beasts. I guess I'll let them have a meet and greet before I absolutely shut it down, but I can't see it going well. I am all for us getting a puppy when we get a house, something small and child-like that the cats will be able to grow into a bit before it becomes a giant thing. And, while it would be okay to have that many roommates as long as the house was big, I'd much rather try and find something John and I can afford just me and him and that will support a young one...
Johnathan talked things over with some management and I *think* he finally made the impression that he's tired of being stepped on and under appreciated for all the work he does and the awesome stats he has. It looks like that might lead to him getting a promotion pretty soon. Fingers crossed! We could use the little bit of extra cash flow, and he deserves the credit. Though, really, a manager position would be more suited to him, or something in HR, but... this is Stream we're talking about here. A management position would give us enough of a boost to start to pay off debt and save up money quickly...and if we played our cards right, would be enough for me to drop down to part time. (Here's hoping!)
I'm focusing so much on planning out everything we need to start this whole life thing going. Everything that I want to do, every milestone that should be accomplished. I can't help but feel like nothing is going to go anywhere for the next four years... and it makes me pretty sad. I think back on my life, where I hoped to be by now, and I'm so far behind. I'm glad that I didn't make these huge life decisions earlier, but I did have a partner who wanted them and was in a place where it was feasible. Now, there's no way I can even fathom having any money in the bank on pay day, let alone save up enough to furnish a house or put a down payment on one.
Tis life, I know... and I am so much in love, which helps. It still makes me feel like I need to do something to change it. To shake things up, to make things happen. I want to move forward instead of sitting on this stationary bike day after day, month after month, year after year. I know that good things come to those that wait, but I've waited. For what feels like so very, very long... In due time, in due time. Waiting for that breakthrough, that ah-ha moment, where something clicks in his mind and we're all of the sudden shifted from boy to man. From Pokemon to portfolios, apartment to house, sports cars to sedans, spending into saving, danger to diapers.
I am blessed to have Johnathan in my life. I look it him sometimes and am amazed by how much I love him, how much more we have to live in this life. Our life, and our dreams supersede my own. So, for now... we will continue on this circular loop, this roundabout of stagnation. Loving, living, and laughing when we can. There are plenty of exits, but it appears it's going to take more than idle conversations for that blinker to be turned on, and even more to adjust the wheel.
I'm ready when you are my love.
♥ 4 months ♥ 9 months ♥ 25 months ♥
Friday, March 4, 2011
our story
Boy meets Girl.
Girl's heart is broken from Ex-Boyfriend.
Boy's heart is dead to Girlfriend.
Girl offers Boy advice to keep him with Girlfriend.
But, Girlfriend slept with Ex-Husband and Boy slept with Random.
Boy doesn't feel love for Girlfriend, doesn't see Future.
Girl tells Boy to follow his heart.
Boy tells Girlfriend to go Home.
Girl tells Boy that if he's not in love, it's a good idea.
Girlfriend doesn't want to leave Boy, so Boy avoids house where Girlfriend won't leave.
Boy avoids house by hanging out with Girl.
Girl realizes she like Boy, but tries to keep it a friendship due to Broken Heart.
Boy tells Girl he loves her broken heart.
Girl realizes that Boy isn't like Ex-Boyfriend. He's a different kind of boy.
Boy dares Girl to jump into a pool in the middle of winter.
Girl jumps, releases her pain into the frozen water.
Boy and Girl run to sauna with Friend Chue to be warm.
Boy tells Girl how he feels in Metaphors.
Girl tells Boy she feels the same.
Girl tells Boy that once Girlfriend goes home - Boy can be with Girl.
Boy takes Girl on First Date.
Boy and Girl become Inseparable.
Boy wants Girl all for himself.
Girl guards her heart.
Boy tells Girl Now or Never.
Girl decides Now sounds best.
Boy and Girl drive Friend Az to Disney.
Girl realizes she's falling for Boy harder than anticipated.
Girl sublets apartment from Friend Az.
Boy stays over all the time, asks "Should I just move in?"
Girl realizes it's all so fast, but likes having Boy there.
Five months later Boy proposes to marry Girl.
Girl says yes, as she loves Boy like no one before.
Girl and Boy invite their friends, say their vows.
Boy and Girl sign the paperwork on Christmas.
Girl and Boy are together, forever.
Yeah, that's the simplest version of events. Here we are, almost two years after John said now or never. I am so glad that I decided to choose the now. We have had our difficulties along the way, we will continue to have them. There will never be enough time, or enough money for all that we want to do. Yet, we were friends in the beginning and we've remained best friends through it all. We may have to borrow money to keep our heads afloat, but we are determined to keep them afloat.
As soon as we get our cars fixed, things will be so much easier. Yet, issues keep arising unforeseen as we try to fix things. I am so thankful to those friends who have stood by us, I am so thankful for my family. Without them we would not be able to survive.
I spaced right over my monthly post, so 10 days late...
Happy "Anniversary"
♥ 2 months ♥ 7 months ♥ 23 months ♥
I look forward to continuing my story with you, Boy
Girl's heart is broken from Ex-Boyfriend.
Boy's heart is dead to Girlfriend.
Girl offers Boy advice to keep him with Girlfriend.
But, Girlfriend slept with Ex-Husband and Boy slept with Random.
Boy doesn't feel love for Girlfriend, doesn't see Future.
Girl tells Boy to follow his heart.
Boy tells Girlfriend to go Home.
Girl tells Boy that if he's not in love, it's a good idea.
Girlfriend doesn't want to leave Boy, so Boy avoids house where Girlfriend won't leave.
Boy avoids house by hanging out with Girl.
Girl realizes she like Boy, but tries to keep it a friendship due to Broken Heart.
Boy tells Girl he loves her broken heart.
Girl realizes that Boy isn't like Ex-Boyfriend. He's a different kind of boy.
Boy dares Girl to jump into a pool in the middle of winter.
Girl jumps, releases her pain into the frozen water.
Boy and Girl run to sauna with Friend Chue to be warm.
Boy tells Girl how he feels in Metaphors.
Girl tells Boy she feels the same.
Girl tells Boy that once Girlfriend goes home - Boy can be with Girl.
Boy takes Girl on First Date.
Boy and Girl become Inseparable.
Boy wants Girl all for himself.
Girl guards her heart.
Boy tells Girl Now or Never.
Girl decides Now sounds best.
Boy and Girl drive Friend Az to Disney.
Girl realizes she's falling for Boy harder than anticipated.
Girl sublets apartment from Friend Az.
Boy stays over all the time, asks "Should I just move in?"
Girl realizes it's all so fast, but likes having Boy there.
Five months later Boy proposes to marry Girl.
Girl says yes, as she loves Boy like no one before.
Girl and Boy invite their friends, say their vows.
Boy and Girl sign the paperwork on Christmas.
Girl and Boy are together, forever.
Yeah, that's the simplest version of events. Here we are, almost two years after John said now or never. I am so glad that I decided to choose the now. We have had our difficulties along the way, we will continue to have them. There will never be enough time, or enough money for all that we want to do. Yet, we were friends in the beginning and we've remained best friends through it all. We may have to borrow money to keep our heads afloat, but we are determined to keep them afloat.
As soon as we get our cars fixed, things will be so much easier. Yet, issues keep arising unforeseen as we try to fix things. I am so thankful to those friends who have stood by us, I am so thankful for my family. Without them we would not be able to survive.
I spaced right over my monthly post, so 10 days late...
Happy "Anniversary"
♥ 2 months ♥ 7 months ♥ 23 months ♥
I look forward to continuing my story with you, Boy
Sunday, January 23, 2011
It's been half a year...
... since we said "I do."
What's there to half a year? It seems like it passes us by so easily, without thought, really. Just as waves pound the shore endlessly, so do days pass through our life. Six months ago I woke up in a hotel room in Seaside, with nothing to wear but a wedding dress. Luckily, John brought multiple changes of clothes - and we're roughly the same size. So full of love, and hope, and friendship were we then. Laughing at caves built of bubbles. Here we are now, six months later in much the same state.
We laugh louder, we fight louder, we love louder. There's more acid, but also more sweet. We have a new goal to strive for, a new point in life to try and achieve. I think it really set in to my soul last night, just what this goal means. How much things will change. I'm excited, and slightly nervous. Yet, it is still a long way off. Many things need to happen for everything to be just so. It feels good to have a goal. To have things to work towards. Together.
Is the potential gain worth the guaranteed loss? It is something that I have to think about every day. Johnathan's eternal catch phrase of sorts. Yet, it is a good way to live - a way to put things into perspective.
Is the potential gain of a life time of happiness worth the guaranteed loss of ever being with another soul? Absolutely.
Is the potential gain of a family worth the guaranteed loss of autonomy? I think so.
And, I guess in some cases you can do the opposite. Is the potential loss worth the guaranteed gain?
Is the potential loss of your self worth the guaranteed gain of friendship? Never.
Is the potential loss of friends worth the guaranteed gain of being honest? Yes.
And so here we are. I may have removed people from life, but I kept the one that matters. The only one the matters, really. I will have him, and my family forever. That is something that I can count on. Keeping true to myself, always being honest and forthright, having Johnathan and my family. These things will always be worth the guaranteed loss, or gain - as the case may be.
You are my greatest gain. You are my everything.
Was the potential gain of your love worth the guaranteed loss of sleep, loss of inhibition, potential hypothermia? Every day I know it's true. I am so glad that I took the risk to be with you. That I was your friend, your listener, giver of advice. That I brought you peace when you were going through a rough time. I am so glad that I went with you: to pizza, to books, to frozen pools of water. To saunas, to ice rinks, to arcades. To giant steaks, and chop chop nights, and California. I'm so blessed that I've gotten to know you. To know the real you, the portrayed you. The you that only you and I know, the you that everyone sees - and all the yous in between. I will always be here to know more, to learn more. To be your friend as no one has been your friend. To be your lover as no one has been your lover. To be your confidant you can trust, your social experiment gone horribly or wonderfully awry.
The promises I made six months ago are the promises I make today, tomorrow, and into infinite forever. Love, respect, honesty. Support, comfort, unity.
♥ Six more months, six more years, six more decades. ♥
"The beetle says I'm ugly."
"Well do you love the beetle?"
"No."
"Then forget about the beetle. Good riddance!"
- Thumbelina
What's there to half a year? It seems like it passes us by so easily, without thought, really. Just as waves pound the shore endlessly, so do days pass through our life. Six months ago I woke up in a hotel room in Seaside, with nothing to wear but a wedding dress. Luckily, John brought multiple changes of clothes - and we're roughly the same size. So full of love, and hope, and friendship were we then. Laughing at caves built of bubbles. Here we are now, six months later in much the same state.
We laugh louder, we fight louder, we love louder. There's more acid, but also more sweet. We have a new goal to strive for, a new point in life to try and achieve. I think it really set in to my soul last night, just what this goal means. How much things will change. I'm excited, and slightly nervous. Yet, it is still a long way off. Many things need to happen for everything to be just so. It feels good to have a goal. To have things to work towards. Together.
Is the potential gain worth the guaranteed loss? It is something that I have to think about every day. Johnathan's eternal catch phrase of sorts. Yet, it is a good way to live - a way to put things into perspective.
Is the potential gain of a life time of happiness worth the guaranteed loss of ever being with another soul? Absolutely.
Is the potential gain of a family worth the guaranteed loss of autonomy? I think so.
And, I guess in some cases you can do the opposite. Is the potential loss worth the guaranteed gain?
Is the potential loss of your self worth the guaranteed gain of friendship? Never.
Is the potential loss of friends worth the guaranteed gain of being honest? Yes.
And so here we are. I may have removed people from life, but I kept the one that matters. The only one the matters, really. I will have him, and my family forever. That is something that I can count on. Keeping true to myself, always being honest and forthright, having Johnathan and my family. These things will always be worth the guaranteed loss, or gain - as the case may be.
You are my greatest gain. You are my everything.
Was the potential gain of your love worth the guaranteed loss of sleep, loss of inhibition, potential hypothermia? Every day I know it's true. I am so glad that I took the risk to be with you. That I was your friend, your listener, giver of advice. That I brought you peace when you were going through a rough time. I am so glad that I went with you: to pizza, to books, to frozen pools of water. To saunas, to ice rinks, to arcades. To giant steaks, and chop chop nights, and California. I'm so blessed that I've gotten to know you. To know the real you, the portrayed you. The you that only you and I know, the you that everyone sees - and all the yous in between. I will always be here to know more, to learn more. To be your friend as no one has been your friend. To be your lover as no one has been your lover. To be your confidant you can trust, your social experiment gone horribly or wonderfully awry.
The promises I made six months ago are the promises I make today, tomorrow, and into infinite forever. Love, respect, honesty. Support, comfort, unity.
♥ Six more months, six more years, six more decades. ♥
"The beetle says I'm ugly."
"Well do you love the beetle?"
"No."
"Then forget about the beetle. Good riddance!"
- Thumbelina
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
it's official!
Today Johnathan and I went and filled out the necessary paperwork to become official husband and wife.
It was kind of surreal writing "Stephanie Michelle Addison" for the first time. That is definitely going to take some getting used to. It's fitting, I suppose, that tomorrow marks five months since our wedding. I cannot believe that it's almost been half of a year since we set out on the beach in front of our friends and family... and yet, so much has happened in such a short time.
I am so happy that we are actually making things legal and that I'll be able to stop hearing "So, uh, when you changing your name?" I am blessed to have such a person as Mr. Johnathan Addison in my life. I cannot wait for all the wonders that the future holds for us. Houses and babies, and hopefully less broken cars...
We may not be a movie made love story, but we are definitely a love story.
♥ Here's to another five months, five years, five decades. ♥
It was kind of surreal writing "Stephanie Michelle Addison" for the first time. That is definitely going to take some getting used to. It's fitting, I suppose, that tomorrow marks five months since our wedding. I cannot believe that it's almost been half of a year since we set out on the beach in front of our friends and family... and yet, so much has happened in such a short time.
I am so happy that we are actually making things legal and that I'll be able to stop hearing "So, uh, when you changing your name?" I am blessed to have such a person as Mr. Johnathan Addison in my life. I cannot wait for all the wonders that the future holds for us. Houses and babies, and hopefully less broken cars...
We may not be a movie made love story, but we are definitely a love story.
♥ Here's to another five months, five years, five decades. ♥
Friday, October 22, 2010
progress may have been made
I think, for once I really got his attention. I mean, really made him understand just what I've been going through and dealing with the past couple years. The love and confusion, the desires unfulfilled, all of it. Something must have finally clicked that didn't before - because he's agreed to change, or at least to try to. While I'm sure there are plenty of pessimists that would say that those words don't mean a lot ... when it takes you almost two years to hear them, I tend to disagree. So, I am hopeful. Will the words alone restore my faith and balance? Definitely not. But they are a start in the right direction.
Will the words bring back the feeling into my soul? Well, they haven't yet - but I am optimistic on this count. I can feel a bubble where there was an empty force... a bubble of hope. No, this doesn't solve anything right away... it doesn't put money in our pockets or clothes on our bodies or a roof over our heads. It doesn't make us have a strong relationship, or me have a fulfilled heart and soul. But it could if actions follow words. I am proud of him for apologizing, for admitting, for agreeing to work on our relationship. For once not throwing out idle words and ignoring the situation - but for listening, for contemplating, for trying. For saying that he will fight for us. And really, what more could I want?
We all have our dreams, and most of them get shattered by realizations of truth. For some reason his has held on, and I am determined to one day make it a reality. I think that for him and this path he thought he needed to follow to get to his dream, poverty became a game - dissonance a song. Coping or reasoning away, or just childish optimism - I'm not sure. I am pretty sure though that he got my message. Poverty is misery, dissonance is torture. This path he was leading was killing me slowly and making me hate every moment.
So, my dearest. Let's grow up and grow together. Let's turn those words into action, that action into love, that love into a life. That life - into a little cafe.
I do not ever want my children to live as we have lived. To have to come up with so much to do with a box of macaroni. I do not want them to have to worry about paying rent, or medical bills, or schooling, or clothes to wear. I do not want them to think about leaving all they love behind for the search of the almighty dollar. It is for this - for them, that I seek out progression. For us, for now, for the future. It is for your dream, for my dream. For all that is and all that will be. I hope that you see it, but know that you do not. However, I will take blind acceptance and internal disagreement if I must. I must do what is right for us, and I hope that you will too. While we may disagree with what exactly that is... I can tell you that your path to happiness will leave you alone - and in your loneliness and loss of love, how happy can you truly be? If all you've said about me is true, how happy will you be with me gone from your life? That would be the inevitability of it - me living with someone with no thought to my now and head only concerned with the future. Life is now, this moment. This present is all we have.
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
I pray that God will grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. My dreams, my beliefs, my will. What I need out of life, out of you. I pray that God will grant you the courage and insight to change the things you can. Your life, your career, your attitude. I pray most of all that God grants you wisdom. To know what you can change, and what you cannot. To lead you down the best path for us and away from the end of the road you've been pushing so hard for. To make smart decisions with your life and love, to make you a better husband, a better man.
I love with all my being, I love who you are and I would never hope to change that. That is why I ask these things of you. If I wanted you to change it would be a lot harsher, and you wouldn't be asked to reach for better things, but to cut back on your habits. I'd never ask you to give your passions. I know that they are how you define yourself, and they have brought a lot of fabulous people into our lives. It is how you learn, you grow. So expand in your habits. Tinker with turbos, hypothesis with handguns, muse over MMOs. But support yourself while doing so. Support me while doing so. I love your ingenuity, your spontaneity... but there is simply no place for it in our current condition. I am too down trodden all of the time to appreciate your wonderful attributes any more. I am to weary of life to see your charms. I am too discouraged to know your beauty. Bring me back to life? Renew that spark, let me be comfortable in our lives and relationship so that I may be happy - so that I may rejoice in your company. So we can surround ourselves with love and not care about things so trivial.
You've given this to everyone else, why am I denied it? You say you've moved opposite of how you should have through life, but I wonder how this is my fault? Why should I be punished for the direction your life took before we were one? I don't see the point. I only want you now, in this moment, to be the best you can be. I want to be the best I can be for you. Really, that is what it all boils down to.
Will the words bring back the feeling into my soul? Well, they haven't yet - but I am optimistic on this count. I can feel a bubble where there was an empty force... a bubble of hope. No, this doesn't solve anything right away... it doesn't put money in our pockets or clothes on our bodies or a roof over our heads. It doesn't make us have a strong relationship, or me have a fulfilled heart and soul. But it could if actions follow words. I am proud of him for apologizing, for admitting, for agreeing to work on our relationship. For once not throwing out idle words and ignoring the situation - but for listening, for contemplating, for trying. For saying that he will fight for us. And really, what more could I want?
We all have our dreams, and most of them get shattered by realizations of truth. For some reason his has held on, and I am determined to one day make it a reality. I think that for him and this path he thought he needed to follow to get to his dream, poverty became a game - dissonance a song. Coping or reasoning away, or just childish optimism - I'm not sure. I am pretty sure though that he got my message. Poverty is misery, dissonance is torture. This path he was leading was killing me slowly and making me hate every moment.
So, my dearest. Let's grow up and grow together. Let's turn those words into action, that action into love, that love into a life. That life - into a little cafe.
I do not ever want my children to live as we have lived. To have to come up with so much to do with a box of macaroni. I do not want them to have to worry about paying rent, or medical bills, or schooling, or clothes to wear. I do not want them to think about leaving all they love behind for the search of the almighty dollar. It is for this - for them, that I seek out progression. For us, for now, for the future. It is for your dream, for my dream. For all that is and all that will be. I hope that you see it, but know that you do not. However, I will take blind acceptance and internal disagreement if I must. I must do what is right for us, and I hope that you will too. While we may disagree with what exactly that is... I can tell you that your path to happiness will leave you alone - and in your loneliness and loss of love, how happy can you truly be? If all you've said about me is true, how happy will you be with me gone from your life? That would be the inevitability of it - me living with someone with no thought to my now and head only concerned with the future. Life is now, this moment. This present is all we have.
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
I pray that God will grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. My dreams, my beliefs, my will. What I need out of life, out of you. I pray that God will grant you the courage and insight to change the things you can. Your life, your career, your attitude. I pray most of all that God grants you wisdom. To know what you can change, and what you cannot. To lead you down the best path for us and away from the end of the road you've been pushing so hard for. To make smart decisions with your life and love, to make you a better husband, a better man.
I love with all my being, I love who you are and I would never hope to change that. That is why I ask these things of you. If I wanted you to change it would be a lot harsher, and you wouldn't be asked to reach for better things, but to cut back on your habits. I'd never ask you to give your passions. I know that they are how you define yourself, and they have brought a lot of fabulous people into our lives. It is how you learn, you grow. So expand in your habits. Tinker with turbos, hypothesis with handguns, muse over MMOs. But support yourself while doing so. Support me while doing so. I love your ingenuity, your spontaneity... but there is simply no place for it in our current condition. I am too down trodden all of the time to appreciate your wonderful attributes any more. I am to weary of life to see your charms. I am too discouraged to know your beauty. Bring me back to life? Renew that spark, let me be comfortable in our lives and relationship so that I may be happy - so that I may rejoice in your company. So we can surround ourselves with love and not care about things so trivial.
You've given this to everyone else, why am I denied it? You say you've moved opposite of how you should have through life, but I wonder how this is my fault? Why should I be punished for the direction your life took before we were one? I don't see the point. I only want you now, in this moment, to be the best you can be. I want to be the best I can be for you. Really, that is what it all boils down to.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
time turns the page
17 months ago, I said that I would enter into a journey with him alone.
12 months ago, he asked me to join him forever.
1 month ago, we joined as one for all to see.
I cannot believe that we said our vows a month ago. It feels like a different world entirely, and one that surely must have taken ages to develop. Still, the same refrains of those asking me how the married life is treating me should bring into focus that it hasn't really been that long.
As much as earlier on I stated that nothing had changed, that we go day by day in the same old fashion... there is another sense there too, that is different.
A sense, that life cannot remain on these tracks or else we will fall off them. That something needs to settle into the way it will be.
I long to establish the things that will last us forever... or... end the current chapter in our lives, and open a new.
I crave a solid foundation and stability, for potentials to be reached and expectations surpassed.
The only thing that has changed, I suppose, is that I am ready.
I am ready for morning each day, I am ready for the tasks ahead.
I am ready to be a mother, a wife.
I am ready to keep a home, and balance a budget, and live a life.
I am ready.
I am ready for the good times, and the bad. I am ready to try and fail before I succeed. I must succeed.
I am ready for a house I can make a home, and for a family to fill its walls.
Though it may be scary, I am ready.
I am ready to be married to a man. A man in the truest sense as I define it. A man, who is ready. A man who is ready to be strong, a man who is ready to be willing. A man who is ready to provide, to conquer. A man who is ready for the morning each day and the tasks at hand. A man who is ready to be a father, and a husband. A man willing to build a home, live within our means, live his life. He must be ready for the good times, and the bad - to fail before he succeeds. He must succeed. He must make our house a home, and be ready for a family to fill its walls.
Though it may be scary, he must be ready.
A month has taught me endurance, patience. It has taught me love, acceptance, and balance. It has taught me comprimise, it has taught me faith. I have learned the importance of good friends, and loving family - and the way it feels to be let down. I have connected, I have reached out, I have worked hard. I have enjoyed the air, the sun, the sky, life and love in all its glory.
Such a small time, such a long time. Who knows how the road unwinds from this point. I only know that now, I am ready. Are you?
12 months ago, he asked me to join him forever.
1 month ago, we joined as one for all to see.
I cannot believe that we said our vows a month ago. It feels like a different world entirely, and one that surely must have taken ages to develop. Still, the same refrains of those asking me how the married life is treating me should bring into focus that it hasn't really been that long.
As much as earlier on I stated that nothing had changed, that we go day by day in the same old fashion... there is another sense there too, that is different.
A sense, that life cannot remain on these tracks or else we will fall off them. That something needs to settle into the way it will be.
I long to establish the things that will last us forever... or... end the current chapter in our lives, and open a new.
I crave a solid foundation and stability, for potentials to be reached and expectations surpassed.
The only thing that has changed, I suppose, is that I am ready.
I am ready for morning each day, I am ready for the tasks ahead.
I am ready to be a mother, a wife.
I am ready to keep a home, and balance a budget, and live a life.
I am ready.
I am ready for the good times, and the bad. I am ready to try and fail before I succeed. I must succeed.
I am ready for a house I can make a home, and for a family to fill its walls.
Though it may be scary, I am ready.
I am ready to be married to a man. A man in the truest sense as I define it. A man, who is ready. A man who is ready to be strong, a man who is ready to be willing. A man who is ready to provide, to conquer. A man who is ready for the morning each day and the tasks at hand. A man who is ready to be a father, and a husband. A man willing to build a home, live within our means, live his life. He must be ready for the good times, and the bad - to fail before he succeeds. He must succeed. He must make our house a home, and be ready for a family to fill its walls.
Though it may be scary, he must be ready.
A month has taught me endurance, patience. It has taught me love, acceptance, and balance. It has taught me comprimise, it has taught me faith. I have learned the importance of good friends, and loving family - and the way it feels to be let down. I have connected, I have reached out, I have worked hard. I have enjoyed the air, the sun, the sky, life and love in all its glory.
Such a small time, such a long time. Who knows how the road unwinds from this point. I only know that now, I am ready. Are you?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
it's been 13 months
I was going to write a happy blog for my belated 13 months. First I decided to catch up on my reading of other's blogs to reenter the world I've been out of touch with. Now... the happy blog of love and joy just doesn't seem like it's going to happen.
I am so ridiculously done with being made to be an enemy. So tired of spending everything I work for, and a lot of what I don't, to make someone else happy. I get so very, very little for myself. I give everything I have to someone else who has the audacity to say that it is not enough.
Oh, you give me everything - you've changed your entire belief system, you bend over backwards daily and feel like killing yourself so you can stop it all? Yeah...that's not going to cut it. I actually need more. I can't be satisfied with this, let alone bothered to actually contribute something of my own. No, I won't give you anything other than the basics to tie you to me. Work? Bah! Cut back on spending? You must be joking.
I just want it all to
-STOP-
I love you more than anything I can express. So giving you everything I have isn't a big deal. It makes me happy that you are happy. I would like to have something given to me. I mean, last night we bought something for me - and the xbox is pretty much half mine. Still...it feels like all you want me for is to support your habits. Not to be there for you, or to love you. Just to be something you can feed off of.
I know that this cannot be the case. I hope so, at least, and am pretty sure this is correct...Take what I say with a grain of salt... but do listen. Don't just ignore it like you do everything else I say in regards to how I feel.
I am so easily tossed aside like everything else in your life. I know this... and I feel it intensely at times. I wish for you to be what I need... what I've always needed. I need to be taken care of, to be provided for. I need to feel it completely that I am the only thing that really matters to you. I need to be enveloped in love constantly and made to feel like I am truly safe. I need to be protected from the world, and perhaps, to have the world protected from me. I need to be encouraged to thrive - emotionally, physically, spiritually, artistically, sexually...and otherwise. I need to have an equal partner. Someone who does not take more than they give, but tries as I do to give as much as possible while taking as little as possible. You say you do... but this is the biggest fallacy I have heard you commit yourself to thus far.
I need happily ever after.
I am so ridiculously done with being made to be an enemy. So tired of spending everything I work for, and a lot of what I don't, to make someone else happy. I get so very, very little for myself. I give everything I have to someone else who has the audacity to say that it is not enough.
Oh, you give me everything - you've changed your entire belief system, you bend over backwards daily and feel like killing yourself so you can stop it all? Yeah...that's not going to cut it. I actually need more. I can't be satisfied with this, let alone bothered to actually contribute something of my own. No, I won't give you anything other than the basics to tie you to me. Work? Bah! Cut back on spending? You must be joking.
I just want it all to
-STOP-
I love you more than anything I can express. So giving you everything I have isn't a big deal. It makes me happy that you are happy. I would like to have something given to me. I mean, last night we bought something for me - and the xbox is pretty much half mine. Still...it feels like all you want me for is to support your habits. Not to be there for you, or to love you. Just to be something you can feed off of.
I know that this cannot be the case. I hope so, at least, and am pretty sure this is correct...Take what I say with a grain of salt... but do listen. Don't just ignore it like you do everything else I say in regards to how I feel.
I am so easily tossed aside like everything else in your life. I know this... and I feel it intensely at times. I wish for you to be what I need... what I've always needed. I need to be taken care of, to be provided for. I need to feel it completely that I am the only thing that really matters to you. I need to be enveloped in love constantly and made to feel like I am truly safe. I need to be protected from the world, and perhaps, to have the world protected from me. I need to be encouraged to thrive - emotionally, physically, spiritually, artistically, sexually...and otherwise. I need to have an equal partner. Someone who does not take more than they give, but tries as I do to give as much as possible while taking as little as possible. You say you do... but this is the biggest fallacy I have heard you commit yourself to thus far.
I need happily ever after.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
the whirlwind
I think sometimes that there may be something wrong with me. I mean, I read over so many posts that are full of anger, or sadness and wonder why. I cannot comprehend these things in my elevated state I suppose. Everything now is wonderful. Sure, we're completely and totally broke and budgeting ourselves each day in a way I didn't think possible. Yet, we sell things to get by, we make our way through this life.
I little over a year ago John told me that I could take him and only him, or he would walk away. I realized that I couldn't let him walk out of my life, so I agreed to be his girl for as long as everything was rainbows and butterflies. We fell into a daze of glory, confusion, and passion. The rainbows and butterflies didn't last unbroken for too long, but at that point I don't think either one of us had a choice but to see it through. No one thought we would make it, that we had anything real.
Yet, here we are. One year in, four months away from our wedding. The days fly by now so rapidly, there's hardly a chance to breathe. We are stressed over work, over the lack of money in our household. We have lawyers and weddings and bills to take care of - not to mention eating and fueling a vehicle. Somehow we've managed to make it this far. We should be out of the woods here shortly once the lawyer stops eating all the monies.
We finally have a means to pay for the wedding (thank you Grandma!) and so we're feeling a lot better about things in general. It wasn't a big deal to go out and buy my wedding bands two days after I bought my dress, veil, and jewelry. We're selling the Wii tonight so we can afford food for the rest of the week and then rinse and repeat I guess.
In May the lawyer will be paid off and I can dive into the trial proceedings. Yay? Eh, it will get everything taken care of and get me clean and clear for the future. Now if John could do the same.... but most of his stuff will fall off of his report in the next year or two anyway. Then we can start working on saving for a house ... although with a certain someone's spending habits I don't think that will be possible for us until 2015. The world will end before then! <-Totally kidding.
Anyway, I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. You are my ... everything. As long as I am, I am yours.
I little over a year ago John told me that I could take him and only him, or he would walk away. I realized that I couldn't let him walk out of my life, so I agreed to be his girl for as long as everything was rainbows and butterflies. We fell into a daze of glory, confusion, and passion. The rainbows and butterflies didn't last unbroken for too long, but at that point I don't think either one of us had a choice but to see it through. No one thought we would make it, that we had anything real.
Yet, here we are. One year in, four months away from our wedding. The days fly by now so rapidly, there's hardly a chance to breathe. We are stressed over work, over the lack of money in our household. We have lawyers and weddings and bills to take care of - not to mention eating and fueling a vehicle. Somehow we've managed to make it this far. We should be out of the woods here shortly once the lawyer stops eating all the monies.
We finally have a means to pay for the wedding (thank you Grandma!) and so we're feeling a lot better about things in general. It wasn't a big deal to go out and buy my wedding bands two days after I bought my dress, veil, and jewelry. We're selling the Wii tonight so we can afford food for the rest of the week and then rinse and repeat I guess.
In May the lawyer will be paid off and I can dive into the trial proceedings. Yay? Eh, it will get everything taken care of and get me clean and clear for the future. Now if John could do the same.... but most of his stuff will fall off of his report in the next year or two anyway. Then we can start working on saving for a house ... although with a certain someone's spending habits I don't think that will be possible for us until 2015. The world will end before then! <-Totally kidding.
Anyway, I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. You are my ... everything. As long as I am, I am yours.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
a Scottish prayer
I realized that I didn't write my anniversary post. Seeing as how I've said everything I need to say as how much I love Johnathan... I'm not really sure what do write about.
I think that it's a good place to start to say that I went back and read an e-mail John sent me May of last year - when we had been together only two months. He spoke of his endless love for me, and his desire that I realize that love.
It's kind of silly to me now, how I could have been so head over heels for someone in such a short time. How we've moving throughout our lives in relative peace for nine months since he wrote that. How we still feel as we did for one another in that time, stronger perhaps.
There were many who thought that we weren't going to make it. That we were in it for a rebound, for fun, and that it would dissipate just as surely and as quickly as it started. I remember an event very clearly... Sitting at work with Nate and talking about money troubles - making some comment about how if we can just hold on for six years it'll all be okay. "Yeah," says Nate "but you won't still be together then." I was shocked at this statement of, in his mind, fact. It was one thing to have my dearest Azurell remind me that the heart is a faulty thing, and to avoid basketball. To have someone completely ignore the fact that real love can exist so shortly... it stung.
I think we've shown people we are not just rebounding from prior hurts. In less than five months we will be saying our vows and acknowledging our love and commitment in a more solidified state than before.
With that, I'll end this blog with a Scottish prayer that I rather like...
Lord help us to remember when
We first met and the strong
love that grew between us.
To work that love into
practical things so that nothing
can divide us.
We ask for words both kind
and loving and hearts always
ready to ask forgiveness
as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, we put our
marriage into your hands
I think that it's a good place to start to say that I went back and read an e-mail John sent me May of last year - when we had been together only two months. He spoke of his endless love for me, and his desire that I realize that love.
It's kind of silly to me now, how I could have been so head over heels for someone in such a short time. How we've moving throughout our lives in relative peace for nine months since he wrote that. How we still feel as we did for one another in that time, stronger perhaps.
There were many who thought that we weren't going to make it. That we were in it for a rebound, for fun, and that it would dissipate just as surely and as quickly as it started. I remember an event very clearly... Sitting at work with Nate and talking about money troubles - making some comment about how if we can just hold on for six years it'll all be okay. "Yeah," says Nate "but you won't still be together then." I was shocked at this statement of, in his mind, fact. It was one thing to have my dearest Azurell remind me that the heart is a faulty thing, and to avoid basketball. To have someone completely ignore the fact that real love can exist so shortly... it stung.
I think we've shown people we are not just rebounding from prior hurts. In less than five months we will be saying our vows and acknowledging our love and commitment in a more solidified state than before.
With that, I'll end this blog with a Scottish prayer that I rather like...
Lord help us to remember when
We first met and the strong
love that grew between us.
To work that love into
practical things so that nothing
can divide us.
We ask for words both kind
and loving and hearts always
ready to ask forgiveness
as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, we put our
marriage into your hands
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)