Faraway places
unseen faces
fill my mind

I cannot focus
on the mundane
wishing for extraordinary

Golden rays of sun
on white beached romance
Sparkling clarity of breath

Sailing into the world
known only by lovers
of dramatic comedies

Speaking without uttering a word
Mind meld of the purist kind
Speak soft and gentle now

 I awake

From an unattainable dream

extra dose

It's been a few days since I've posted poetry, so here are three lovely tidbits to keep you entertained.

First one: Pretty evident what it's about. 

As I glance into the mirror
I change my stance on this

World

I change my thoughts on this

Place

I scrutinize the imperfections on my

Face

The tears well inside my eyes
My fears start to consume my

Thoughts

Why I am here and what am I

Doing

Pull at my hair notice it

Frizzing

These pants are fitting just a little

Too tight

And I want to be sitting here in the

Dark

To blank out this image of

Myself

Put my insecurities up on a

Shelf

I want what everyone does
The taunting to stop, not your taunting

Mine

The voices in my mind telling my

Bad

You're no good, give up you'll always be

Sad

This world will never love you
Those people will always shove you

Around

No love of yours will ever be

True

For how could anyone ever want you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Second Poem: Gabe, Clint, etc.

Lead me not into temptation

Won't you please deliver me

My heart is a fragile mutation

Since the beginning of creation

there's existed what cannot be

Lead me not into temptation

It would do to mention

a blink times three

My heart is a fragile mutation

Lock these things away

to some secret faction

If I cross the line

I'll have to throw away the key

Lead me not into temptation

I'd rather face lifelong tormention

than feel like this when he's looking at me

My heart is a fragile mutation

Fuck it all in complete succession

I can't have both

Plain and true

Lead me not into temptation

My heart is a fragile mutation

 -----------------------------------------------

 Third Poem: My own darkness

Do not stand in my shadow
Its depth may encompass
all you thought was true
and pure in life
Taking you to a land
you only see in nightmares
dream scenes or
fantasies

Taking you into
scapes only seen in my mind
Eyes closed
visions arise
sweeping you away
bringing you close
close to me

No, do not stand in my shadow
the intimacy is far
too deep for my liking

My Awesome Weekend

Thursday: I had previously scheduled this day off, because I wanted to have a week-long extravaganza with the husband to celebrate our one year anniversary and make up for not having a honey moon. But, since I got Joe to VTO me for Monday, I figured I'd probably go in. . . Yeah, that didn't happen. Instead we went to Roxy's for lunch, drove around (discovered that Johnathan's 'brand new' bike actually has 15k+ miles) and I dyed my hair an amazing copper color. It's one of those, why wasn't I born with this shades. Very much in love with it at the moment.

Friday: Planned to leave once John got off work at 2pm, and here he comes in at 8am raring to go. Not so happy as, you know, I'm me and don't wake up until 11am. Eventually he gets me out of bed, ready to go, stuff packed. He fell asleep during the packing process, and so we ended up leaving at about 2pm anyway. We drove through the lovely summer afternoon with the top down, wind whipping in our hair to Lincoln City, where we had planned to stay at the Edgecliff Motel. The rooms were surprisingly nice, and the view was breathtaking.

We plan on returning next year. The staff were all friendly, accommodating, and kind - even when we bugged them at 1am trying to find pizza. We met up with Josh and Melissa who were in town planning their wedding and taking care of related things. They decided they'd like to stay the night so once we all got checked in and set up we headed out to the Surfrider Resort to get some dinner. Johnathan had to have his seafood buffet, but it was a bit on the disappointing end. The fish was eh, it was all kind of random assortment. There were a few tasty items, a salmon pasta dish was quite good, but really the highlight was the view and the wine we ordered - I can't remember the kind. We then headed to the liquor store to get some goodies for the night. Josh and Melissa picked up a bottle of orange whipped vodka and orange schnapps of sorts for creamsicles, and John and I got a pomegranate liquor and a weird Asian vodka -- picked because of the pretty bottles - with some 7-up to mix. Somehow we convinces ourselves this didn't count as drinking soda. The beach was pretty cold by this point, and very windy, so we mixed our drinks in the Poland's room and played an all to informative never have I ever game. There were some very memorable quotes... =D After drinking for a while we decided pizza was required so bothered the front desk and found out the only place open was Safeway. After we got back, John and I decided it was a good break for some alone time and we headed back to our room.

Saturday: A crow woke me up at the crack of dawn with his incessant cawing. Annoying, but the sunrise was beautiful.

After catching a few more ZZZs, I threw on some clothes, roused the Tan from his slumber and got some breakfast from the office.... which consisted of some fruit, yogurt, bagels, and cereal. Pretty basic continental breakfast. The Poland's were up and ready to go, so they headed to the beach while we finished watching Little Miss Sunshine and got ready to go... and in Johnathan's case, napped. We met up on the beach and explored some tide-pools. All we really saw were some anemones before the tide started coming back in.

Then we headed to Galluci's for some non-exciting, overpriced pizza. Then we headed to the casino. This was my first time ever being to a casino, and I was hoping for some beginners luck. However, in a little over an hour, our set limit was gone... there we some times we were up too - but it was fun, so we kept going.... which I guess is the whole point. After the casino we parted ways with the Poland's and headed back to our room. We grabbed a few ZZZs before dinner and got all dolled up to go to the Blackfish Cafe.

Before we went to leave we went on to the balcony to catch some pictures and look at the sunset, and we hear this bagpipe music wafting from somewhere to our left. It was a really awesome way to start the night, and kind of neat to see an old guy bag-piping it up into the sunset.

The cafe... I really cannot say enough good things about this place! Our server was either an amazing person, or an awesome actor, and either way he was on point, knowledgeable, and seemed very warm. Our wine for the evening was splendid, the food was some of the best I've ever had. Johnathan had the rib-eye steak and I had the pork brisket. We both were amazed by the deliciousness hitting our senses. We wrapped up dinner to go to savor the flavor for the next day and to indulge in the highly acclaimed (as far as Yelp went anyway) homemade ding dong. Not ohmygoodness amazing, but it definitely did not disappoint. The only thing not amazing about the evening was the price-tag.

Sunday: We woke up to the first hint of fog/cloud our whole trip, grabbed some continental breakfast and headed out to meet up with Brittany/Corey at their apartment in Salem as it was kind of on the way home. We hung out for a bit, playing with animals until Corey got home and we headed to the Original Pancake house. It was pretty much a giant letdown after the hype Britt & Corey gave it, but... that's okay. After visiting a bit more we headed homeward. I5 decided to be a cocksucker from hell... and the day decided to be as hot. After driving an hour and a half, we stopped in Wilsonville for some Route44 Cherry Limeades from Sonic, and for some browsing and air-conditioning at Fry's. I get pretty affected by hot weather/the sun, and I was having a hard time of the trip. After wandering around Fry's for a bit, we decided it was cool enough / traffic had improved enough for us to give it another go. And... here we are.

All in all I think it was just what the doctor ordered. Johnathan and I got to know our friends a bit better, and discover that vacationing together or living together would probably be awesome. We got plenty of time to spend with one another, and I think that a spark was definitely rekindled, though I didn't know one was missing in the first place. We've got a lot of alcohol left over from the trip to carry us in memories, and I had the foresight to take a few snapshots as well. Thanks to all those that made this weekend happen. Now - back to being poor! True, we could have spent the money paying people back, or on a new microwave, or even for one of us to get our marriage tattoo... but, I think that it formed a wonderful memory, and could be the start of an awesome tradition.

One Year

365 Days.
One Rx-7, Kia, and Dodge Stealth down. Not to mention a Rebel and Boulevard.
I've had short hair, brown hair, purple hair, red/pink striped hair, and copper hair.
Kidney stones, epic colds, fevers, busted knees and tummy aches.
Guns and glory, pinching pennies.
Drama tore us away from friends. Which have just re-entered our life.
We've binged and cut back, fought and made up, flown on top of the world, and been too scared to leave our cave.

Yet, it's all seemed like just the smallest blink of an eye. Just a whisper, and the days roll away.

Words cannot express my love for you, the dedication I have towards our marriage and the functionality of our relationship. The tides of fortune have washed over us, and withdrew. We can beat it, overcome it all, together.

I remain in love with you, as I did on our wedding day. You are still my soul mate, my best friend, my ally against the world, my moment outside of time. You are still my fondest memory, my fiercest desire, my strongest wish.

You are my Tan, my panda, my lover, my everything.

♥ 7 months ♥ 12 months ♥ 28 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥

Chipped polish
Shattered glass
Sickly sweet flavors
Life is
What it is
What it is not
Hello beautiful
Creature of my
Flesh born desire
Wandering mind
Solid rock
Crumbles to sand
Never again
Left without a word
Vanished with just
A hollow ghostly trail
To lead me back
To nowhere
Where I'm headed
Destined
If I could change this place
My hopes
My face
And all these things
I wish I was
But know I'll never be

Inspiration drained
Tainted by caffeine
By THC
My own mind
Muddled with ash
Kissing sweetly
Searing useless flesh
Brings me to reality
Life is a muse
A gleeful child
But not as good
As a punch to the jaw
As hard packing sounds
Blood down the drain
Of my soul
Fuck capitalism
Bureaucratic fantasies
Follow the herd
Do what you're told
Or fight back
And know this simple fact
It's only when you've lost everything
That you're free to do anything

I want to know
what He tells you
how He makes You
be the person that You are

I'd like to see
the side You keep hidden
the darkness
You tend to crave

I want to taste
the Addiction
the caffeine
the sweetly harsh THC

I'd like to feel
these things You claim are missing
what You dream
how You form these thoughts

I want to fully experience
what it's like to be
in this world
You say exists

Don't be afraid
to show me
don't be petrified
on my behalf

I'm inquisitive
and You've made me
adore You even more
than I have before

So if You have concern
over what I'll see
trust me babe
I can take it

Poetry and Things

I just posted the last poem from January 2008 and earlier. Again, I plead you to share, to comment, to critique and review.

Reading back on my old work, remembering all the things I felt... it seems so alien to me now the choices I made. I was with Clint, but I had deeply strong feelings for both Gabe and Trevor. Maybe it was that they were both so close and so off limits, or that I was unhappy where I was. I'm not sure, but I do know that in those nights, writing and wishing - either one of them needed only knock on the door and say 'Come with me.' That would have been it, game over, done. Did they know this? Maybe, maybe not. I suppose now it doesn't matter, but it is something to reflect upon. The great 'loves' of my life. So many unrequieted dreams. So many accidental touches that made my heart skip and my stomach flip. And they were so unaware. Turned me down without turning me down. Crushed my entire being by being my friend alone. My fault for not being more open, more direct and yet... I'm sure if I had been I would have been turned away anyway.

The safety and security of what I had outweighed my real and true desires. So I wrote about it in poetry. I tried to tell them how I felt, but it didn't really get anywhere. Gabe knew, but... I don't know. Irrelevant. Still wondering why I stayed with Clint for so many years when my passions lay elsewhere.

So odd to me that I could feel that way. So beyond my normalcy of the now. My love for Johnathan reaches and envelops every fiber of my being. I cannot foresee ever wanting anything else, ever needing anyone else. He is my poetry. He still makes my heart skip a beat and my stomach do flips. The years have made me take him for granted in some cases I'm sure, we've lost that new glimmer. Still, there are moments when he completely takes my breath away.

No matter how angry he makes me with his alien perspective, or how we might disagree, our worst of fights last a day. Though in them I am so mad I could run away, I know I'd be right back with him as soon as I could be. He is the yin to my yang - and vice versa. There will be times where we will be off balance, but, as in nature, a homeostasis will reached. Where I am weak he is strong, where I excel he tends to lack behind - and then we share enough in common ground to make up for the quakes that follow, the rise and fall of the ripples in water as a stone is thrown in.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

I am confident enough and have gained enough perspective to say that to all those who turned away - it is your loss. To all those who broke my heart, told me I wasn't good enough, it's your loss. I might not have been Asian or Christian, I might not have had the body type you craved or the wit. You might have fallen into gossip or lies. You may have followed the crowd instead of thinking for yourself. Whatever your reason you're not in my life.... you have no idea what you're missing.

Smell of cigarettes

Of pure tobacco pipe

Of cologne and finery

Hear the music wafting

In the air so sweet

As he sings

Devil may care

Saying goodbye

To someone who means

Means something that I cannot

Label, tag, define

The epitome of hopeless romantic

An artistic soul

As I pull away

I see nothing

The road

The lines

The lights

Just a blur

As tears fall and sobs commence

He is more

A symbol for what I wish I was

Or wish I had

I wipe the tears

The mascara lines

And make a face

Of happiness

For the one I’m with

Who is unsure of this

Who does not believe

In the unconditional

He can’t understand

I love someone else

So I fake it

For the sake of security

And commitment

Hopeless romanticism be damned

Dreaming of this life…

There should be a guitar

An avalanche of ideas

Some intellectual merit

Giving meaning to existence

At least meaning to ours

By and by we sit and think

Eternally falling and reborn

There instead lies…

Electric misfortune

Intellect never expressed

Life unfulfilled and greased

Got to have more than that

After so long of simply

Being

Can’t there be deepness

Ethereal, poetic or otherwise

Something to get me through

Turmoil in my mind

Uneasy whirlwind heartbeats

Dreaming of another life

Another place

The other road in the wood

Not the one I took

I long to be somewhere far

And there’s no one to catch me

If I choose to fall

Ground into dust

There’s no one to support me

Myself, my ambitions

Empty notions of an empty mind

Where were these things

When I was younger

These defense mechanisms

Seem to ripen with age

What used to be

Such empty clutter

Now there are props

To a rather grandiose stage

Velvet curtains hid my

True intentions skewed

The fancy lighting

Seems to brighten the beige

Of my creativity

Lost to open sea

Raped of all its uses

Now I’m empty

Devoid of thought

Wrapped in ancient gothic cloth

No one can see

How useless I’ve become

How scared and cast aside

My naivety has taken its toll

And I’m naked underneath it all

A scared little girl

Thrown out in the world

But given no means to survive

No wings do I have

To fly from this nest

So I must crawl instead

Thank god for illusions

I’ve cast mine well

Smoke and mirrors

Thick trimmings

Lighting and grandiose technology

It’s new to me

Where were these things

When I was younger

These falsities

Seem to ripen with age

Jealousy

I feel myself overcome with jealousy. Everywhere I turn, there it is staring me in the face. I know, I shouldn't feel this way, that I should be content with my life, but... there it is.

I am jealous of your new best friend. Despite your claims that I will always hold this spot, I know it isn't true. I am not your reason for driving North. I am not your default call, your first option when you want to hang out or go to the beach. It stings me like a sharp kick to the gut and boils forth in seething green rays from my mind. It hurts the most to know who has taken my place, someone less than a true friend. Someone who would easily turn her back on you at the first hint of someone else's lie. I know this, because this is what she did to me. Oh well....

I am jealous that he knows you now, that he knows your family. That while I haven't seen them in ages, he is able to recount their slightest nuances and knows their hopes and dreams. I am jealous that he gets to see you every day, and that I am the slightest scrap of leftovers once everything else has been taken care of.

I am jealous that you've made new friends. That you'd rather go out with them than me, and that it's not a big deal to be lost with them for hours, but if you're lost with me for a second you unleash your Mr. Hyde. I am jealous that I am becoming less and less important to you, even as you become more and more important to me. I am fearful that you will simply lose interest all together, and that as my idiosyncrasies are spread to the world, and all your faults are blamed on me, you will begin to believe in all that is negative, instead of all that is positive.

I am jealous of all the families I see around me, young ones in tote.
I am jealous of people able to live on their own, to buy their own homes, and cars and exist without this debilitating debt.
I am jealous of those with enough ambition and will to take the chances they need to, to further their life and career.

While I can work on some of these things... while I can try to learn, grow, and change what I can... I find it harder and harder to find that serenity in things I cannot change. I also am finding it harder and harder to find the courage in myself to change what I can, for most of the things I know should be within my control, feel as if they are not. So, I am envious of all that you have, all that you are. Your freedom from commitment, your late night adventures, your ability to put yourself out there in the world and take what you want.

Shaking under stress

Seems my trembling mind’s asleep

Waiting in anticipation

Of the big event

Seems it’ll never come

I am you

More importantly

You are me

This gun’s to both our heads

Never mind whose hand it’s in

The end result’s the same

Brain matter on a sea of glass

Finally out of my head

God forbid you ever come back

Even through blood

There’s clarity

My mind feels solidified

And I can see through the cataracts

To a place where I…

Explosions ravage the night

My alter-ego’s farewell show

And as I hold this lovely devil’s hand

I fall

Deeper, faster

Into the black abyss

That used to be my soul

I want forever

Does it have to start now?

I want forgiveness

I want freedom

I want to be the one

For everyone

I want to climb a mountain

And fall into the clouds

Ride them in ecstasy

And never look down

I want to share my heart

And mind

Without consequence

Dive into whatever this is

And never look back

If it were only possible

To have everything you wanted

The best of both words

My seperality colliding in peace

The one I love

The one I…

No words to be spoken

Nothing to be said

These emotions too blended

In my head

For a meaning to arise

For a word to fit

I think he feels the same

The meanings keep repeating

The words are never still

And yet there’s no conclusion

And I doubt there ever will

We’ll keep this dance going

The music and the beat

Wrapped in all the things

We simply cannot be

Hidden in the words

That’ll never be uttered

Comforted by the fact

That there are no facts

No reasoning, no rhythm of life

Just the two of us, or three

If it were only two we’d know

The ending to this charade

But there’s no conclusion

And I doubt there ever will

Be

Say you believe
you believe in me
can’t you say you
Say you believe

Fuck society
and these unbelievers
I'm pissed to the point of givin’ up
it's just repeating time now

He took the only thing I loved
when he left this place
for a death sure to come
all for a simple girl
who couldn't make him fly
couldn’t make him fly

He never knew
Never knew the way I felt
and it’s too late now
All for a simple girl
who never
could never make him fly

Say you believe
you believe in me
can’t you say you
Say you believe

Fuck society
and these unbelievers
I'm pissed to the point of givin up
its just repeating time now

Sprinkle sprinkle pixie dust now
Take my love
And fly into the night
Find the place you've been wishin' for

Don't you know
she can never make you fly
and you'll get sick and whither
all for a simple girl
who can never make you fly

You could have stayed
and loved and laughed
and shared this Neverland with me
Instead you gave at all away

Gave it all away for a simple girl
who can never make you fly

Say you believe
you believe in me
can’t you say you
Say you believe

Fuck society
And these unbelievers
I'm pissed to the point of givin up
It's just repeating time now

Say you believe
You believe in me
Can't you say you
Say you believe

Say you believe
you believe in me
can’t you say you
Say you believe

Side cast illusion

I almost gave up everything

Not that it would have mattered

You’re a legend, untouchable

The kind of person everyone loves

Or loves to hate

Are you even real?

Did the time I remember even exist?

Was there ever any chance?

Where would I be now?

Would I even be?

So many questions never to be answered

Smoke rings and gasoline

I’ll remember you forever

Do you even remember my name?

Or face?

Or the way I made you feel?

Did I even make you feel at all?

I doubt it.

Wrapped in rhythm and rhyme

You’re bullet proof,

A rock star.

Eternal and faulted.

Aren’t we all?

Another stepping stone,

Another shadowy enigma clouded by mystery,

Some sort of midnight matinee.

Never let anyone in,

Never let them see.

Hide the tears you once shed,

You’re stronger now.

First thoughts with actual meaning

Since ones so full of anger,

Of rage

Of raw, unfiltered passion

So full of me.

Where is that person now?

Trapped with your memories.

Caged in that moment.

Locked away.

Untouchable.

Because I know

I want her back.

In another life I’d be there

Kissing the acrid THC

My frozen feet held tight

Caution to the wind

Guitar in hand

In another life I’d be there

Free to be me

Wild, expressive

Maybe I’d write

More than just trash

In another life

I wouldn’t think about consequence

I’d drink and fuck ‘til the sun came up

And then I’d do it again

In this other life

I’d have a lover who could be

Just that

And break these binding chains

Holding me back

In another life

I’d care what not a soul thought

Not even my own

I’d be impulsive

Me

This other life

The best thing I ever did

An illusion

A dream

I’ll always know

It could have been reality

Eyes burning

Into my soul

Searching, finding

Things I never knew were there

As he serenades

To a lover lost

I yearn for

A serenade for me

Girlish fantasies

Never realized

And even if

He never leaves

These things cannot be

Too many complications

Too much on the line

I feel something deeper

Then I should

None of this matters

My heart's already crushed

Mind made up

He disappears into the night

Caresses

Moments
Lost in time

Space and energy
falling into
Depths unseen

Loving
Dying

All there is

Your heart
Mine

Perfect Rhythm
In sync motions
more than robots
less than angels

Thoughts unspoken
Buried underneath
Crushing pride

You can't see
you can't feel
what you should

Holding you
Soft caresses fall
on velvet eyes
wavering, solid

Incompletely complete

We know
This is how it's meant to be

Changing Things Up

I'm going to be editing poetry and transferring it over to this blog to condense the two. I'm not really sure why I felt the need to be so segregated in the first place. So I don't make you, my... 5 people that actually read this thing... crazy with a million posts, I'll keep it to one a day. I am looking into self publishing a book of works here shortly so please (please, please, please) read - critique - and share. Whether I end up making the book or not, I'd like to have a work that has value.

Thanks, and enjoy this lovely taste of summer I picked earlier today!