the whirlwind

I think sometimes that there may be something wrong with me. I mean, I read over so many posts that are full of anger, or sadness and wonder why. I cannot comprehend these things in my elevated state I suppose. Everything now is wonderful. Sure, we're completely and totally broke and budgeting ourselves each day in a way I didn't think possible. Yet, we sell things to get by, we make our way through this life.

I little over a year ago John told me that I could take him and only him, or he would walk away. I realized that I couldn't let him walk out of my life, so I agreed to be his girl for as long as everything was rainbows and butterflies. We fell into a daze of glory, confusion, and passion. The rainbows and butterflies didn't last unbroken for too long, but at that point I don't think either one of us had a choice but to see it through. No one thought we would make it, that we had anything real.

Yet, here we are. One year in, four months away from our wedding. The days fly by now so rapidly, there's hardly a chance to breathe. We are stressed over work, over the lack of money in our household. We have lawyers and weddings and bills to take care of - not to mention eating and fueling a vehicle. Somehow we've managed to make it this far. We should be out of the woods here shortly once the lawyer stops eating all the monies.

We finally have a means to pay for the wedding (thank you Grandma!) and so we're feeling a lot better about things in general. It wasn't a big deal to go out and buy my wedding bands two days after I bought my dress, veil, and jewelry. We're selling the Wii tonight so we can afford food for the rest of the week and then rinse and repeat I guess.

In May the lawyer will be paid off and I can dive into the trial proceedings. Yay? Eh, it will get everything taken care of and get me clean and clear for the future. Now if John could do the same.... but most of his stuff will fall off of his report in the next year or two anyway. Then we can start working on saving for a house ... although with a certain someone's spending habits I don't think that will be possible for us until 2015. The world will end before then! <-Totally kidding.

Anyway, I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. You are my ... everything. As long as I am, I am yours.

reality

We walk through life and a surrounded by a myriad of choices. Do we know which ones lead ultimately down the right path? I think in our heart, our soul, we do. We know that the choices we make will turn through the world like they do. Why then, do we make negative choices? Why do we hurt those we love enough to make them feel like a relationship just isn't worth the pain? To test them? To test ourselves? While it is I that gave in, I do not forgive you. I will not forget. We included a verse from the Bible on love on our invitations, but I've never once believed in that verse. I don't think anyone ever has. Maybe fools.

Love is demanding.
Love is cruel
It is always envious,
it will always boast,
it is unfailingly proud.
It is inconsiderate,
it is selfish,
it is quick tempered,
it never forgets.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with lies.
It always leaves you exposed,
always disputes,
always doubts,
always perseveres.

Know it. As I have known it, as you have known it. As anyone who has felt its thorns will know it. We all know these things, yet we still ignore them. Or we forget, time slowly degrading our memory of the past until we come to see love as something to hold on to - to seek. We slowly forget that love is not happiness, but pain. Just as hope is pain, just as faith is pain. Without hope there is no disappointment; without faith, no regrets.

It takes so long for these wounds you carve into my chest to heal. You always find their scars after they've just finished healing, and know how to rip them open once more. That brief point in time when they are healed, when I am whole... it is still worth it to me. Eventually, I can't guarantee it will be. Eventually, the wounds you inflict will take too long to heal. The cuts opened too many times will cease to clot and scar over. I'll be left with an open wound in my chest that you can no longer fix.

It is your choice, the fate of my heart. You alone hold the ability to crush or enlighten it. You can heal these wounds completely, and diminish the scars to nothing. Or you can break me completely. It is up to you. I hope that you can choose to reinstill in me the belief that love, faith, and hope are things to be cherished. I pray that you do not ruin everything we've built thus far. Yet, you are stubborn and steadfast in your ways. If you remain as you've been we cannot last. I hope that I am worth changing for, that you can alter your foolish beliefs and ways. If not, that is your prerogative. I do not hold you here against your will. I do not wish for you to be anything other than what you are - what you are at times, what you can be.

I will do my best to hold on to you. To love you as I have. To be what you need me to be. I promise that I will flourish if tended well. I can promise that not a seriously ill word will come between us. You claim it is good that we fight, that it means we still care.

I hope you can come to show me you care without breaking my heart. Even after we broke up Clint and I fought. I don't think that means we still cared enough to be in the relationship - we simply were done with each other. Fighting does not mean that you care... it just means that you fight. You are cold, calculating, and cruel. Yes, you are also sweet, caring, and loving. Which makes it worth it.

I will be here with you as long as I can. I would like very much for that to be forever.