How many days can you be on the verge of tears, of falling apart, before you just give in and shatter into a million pieces?

Change is in the air. The power couple that is no more, the fated couple that finally said goodbye, the ordinary couple reveals what's behind closed doors. A child is diagnosed with a disease that alters the rest of her life and those around her. A friendship rekindled will have to face all of America in between.

Here I sit. Waiting for the hammer to fall. Already quadruple digits negative. Already being beat against the shore. Change whirling around me so fast and furious that the wind sucks the breath from my lungs. Move to a new town, change routine, chaos and disarray, be a mom, a wife, a student, no resources left to be a lover.

Love. Love and love and love. Let the rest of the world, the rest of the relationship, the rest of life go. Work to love me and show me you love me, and I'll work to love you and show you I love you... then the rest of this shit? It goes without saying. It is remedied without thought. We are perfected without labor, except for the labor of love.

.Sigh.

My romantic hopelessness. If only it were really that simple. If only the power of love was an actual ability. If only true love's kiss really was the most powerful force in the world. Instead it is greed, it is chaos, it is the insurmountable entropy that only through the sheer force of our combined wills is stopped from tearing this planet we call home to the far flung corners of the galaxy. For now.

Each and every day is not a struggle to thrive, but to survive. I wish that my love was enough. I have rivers and oceans of radioactive adoration in my ample frame, rendered inert by your preconceived notions of what that means. Your expectations quell the crests and calm the seas.

All that wasted potential energy creates a deep, unsettling itch. An itch to break free. To run away. To dive into the washing waters of eternity without a second thought. Instead though... I sit. On the verge of tears. On the verge of giving up. On the verge of shattering like frozen glass.

How to be an Awesome Geek - Pt. 2 - Love Thy Neighbor

So, you've started to realize that you've got something to offer, eh? If not, be sure to check out How to be an Awesome Geek - Pt. 1.

The next step in your awesome-ness is to get yourself a girl friend. Or, boy friend - depending on your sexual preferences. Not a romantic one... unless you can find someone to do naked Star Wars photo shoots... don't pass that up. (Here's looking @ you Megan!)

For the purposes of this entry, let's say you're a straight boy geek. So, you need to find a girl. Someone that is of a slightly less geek level than you, but still smart enough to understand what you're talking about.

Truth: guys and girls think and process the world differently.

Let's use that to our advantage, shall we? Find a counter anchor to your thought process, someone who will tell you exactly what's on their mind, share with you their world-view, and help you understand the way that they work. All of the sudden you go from the outfield to playing short-stop. Balanced perspective.

There are occasions, of course, when you can realize this in a same sex partner. Yet, I find that it's never quite the same.

How to find this person to help you even your scales? That's the hardest part. Someone you pursued romantically, but got stuck as a friend is a good place to look. Something there was enough to allow communication and common spark. A friend of a friend you chatted with successfully at a social gathering. A roommate's friend, family member. Your own sibling, cousin, etc.

This person will be your right-hand man, and should help you feel like you're a rock-star if you're doing it right. They should realize your strengths, and help you realize them too.

I've found myself in this position quite a few times. Usually the relationship starts over some relationship qualm where they want a female opinion. And, since I'm just a little bit geeky, and unusually honest, and like the general mind frame of the male psyche more than the female it falls into place.

The best part of this is that it's a completely mutually beneficial relationship. Both of you can stop looking at the world in one black and white perspective, and can gravitate towards this medium ground. Especially if one of you is more ... technologically inclined than the other. The more-so inclined individual (that's you!) can give their insight and knowledge to the lesser - teach them how to exist more in your frame. The lesser inclined individual can help with aspects socially that may be lacking. They might have a better idea than you about fashion, social activities, etc.

Plus, chances are they'll smell better than your other friends - and there's always the chance that it'll turn into something more once you figure out your own perfect sync.

But... for the love all that is good.. Don't expect it. Don't want it. And don't enter into the friendship with any thoughts of that clouding your mind.

For the sake of all humanity you come into contact with. If you haven't mastered loving yourself, don't try to extend your advances, love, or thoughts to someone romantically. It'll just end poorly, leaving you feeling awful and your friends blocking you on social media outlets.

Random Note: I found the below picture, and I guess with it in mind I'm dealing with nerds more than geeks.... but there's definitely a bit of all of the categories ... and for those not included as well.  I think it's a pretty accepted fact that you should think you're awesome, and have a balanced perspective from an honest source - no matter Geek, Nerd, Dork, or Dweeb. Also, based on this, I guess I am a Dork... bordering on Nerd. Just so you know.

I realize this post isn't as clever, thought out, or inspired as Part 1. At least it feels that way to me... maybe it's the lack of hot geeky girls....

Dear Johnathan

I love you.
I really, really do.
I love the way you smell like sexy peanut butter when you're running on day old deodorant.
I love the way you smell like home when you're fresh from the shower.
I love the way I can breathe you in on my skin, your pillow, our bedding, after you leave for work in the morning.
I love the way our smells mingle and mix and dance with one another to make something deliciously us.
I love the way your hand feels on the small of my back.
I love the way your fingers feel as they trace a patch of skin
I love the way you make all of my nerve endings stand at attention, and beg for it.
I love the way your lips graze mine
I love that reassuring kiss on my forehead that spins the world around and makes everything feel safe.
I love the tightness of your grasp when our fingers interlock
I love your lips in all their curvy, juicy, deliciousness.
I love the dents, speckles, freckles, and moles that make your landscape uniquely you
I love the way your hair falls in your face
I love the innocence you seem to have right after you shave.
I love looking in your eyes and seeing forever
I love that you are mine, no matter how frustrated you make me
I love that you look at the world with the wisdom of an elder simultaneously with the naivety of a child.

I love you. No matter how many times I might feel unsure, no matter how many times I'll yell the contrary. I love you completely, utterly, ridiculously, childishly, always. You are my forever, you are my one and only. You. Y-O-U. It's said too much perhaps, to really have true meaning. You tell me you love me to try and kill an argument, to try and soften the blow as you beg for forgiveness for another of your mistakes. So, it may very well be that all of the above doesn't have the impact that it should. But...

I love you.
I really, really do.

it's been 13 months

I was going to write a happy blog for my belated 13 months. First I decided to catch up on my reading of other's blogs to reenter the world I've been out of touch with. Now... the happy blog of love and joy just doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

I am so ridiculously done with being made to be an enemy. So tired of spending everything I work for, and a lot of what I don't, to make someone else happy. I get so very, very little for myself. I give everything I have to someone else who has the audacity to say that it is not enough.

Oh, you give me everything - you've changed your entire belief system, you bend over backwards daily and feel like killing yourself so you can stop it all? Yeah...that's not going to cut it. I actually need more. I can't be satisfied with this, let alone bothered to actually contribute something of my own. No, I won't give you anything other than the basics to tie you to me. Work? Bah! Cut back on spending? You must be joking.

I just want it all to

-STOP-

I love you more than anything I can express. So giving you everything I have isn't a big deal. It makes me happy that you are happy. I would like to have something given to me. I mean, last night we bought something for me - and the xbox is pretty much half mine. Still...it feels like all you want me for is to support your habits. Not to be there for you, or to love you. Just to be something you can feed off of.

I know that this cannot be the case. I hope so, at least, and am pretty sure this is correct...Take what I say with a grain of salt... but do listen. Don't just ignore it like you do everything else I say in regards to how I feel.

I am so easily tossed aside like everything else in your life. I know this... and I feel it intensely at times. I wish for you to be what I need... what I've always needed. I need to be taken care of, to be provided for. I need to feel it completely that I am the only thing that really matters to you. I need to be enveloped in love constantly and made to feel like I am truly safe. I need to be protected from the world, and perhaps, to have the world protected from me. I need to be encouraged to thrive - emotionally, physically, spiritually, artistically, sexually...and otherwise. I need to have an equal partner. Someone who does not take more than they give, but tries as I do to give as much as possible while taking as little as possible. You say you do... but this is the biggest fallacy I have heard you commit yourself to thus far.

I need happily ever after.

reality

We walk through life and a surrounded by a myriad of choices. Do we know which ones lead ultimately down the right path? I think in our heart, our soul, we do. We know that the choices we make will turn through the world like they do. Why then, do we make negative choices? Why do we hurt those we love enough to make them feel like a relationship just isn't worth the pain? To test them? To test ourselves? While it is I that gave in, I do not forgive you. I will not forget. We included a verse from the Bible on love on our invitations, but I've never once believed in that verse. I don't think anyone ever has. Maybe fools.

Love is demanding.
Love is cruel
It is always envious,
it will always boast,
it is unfailingly proud.
It is inconsiderate,
it is selfish,
it is quick tempered,
it never forgets.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with lies.
It always leaves you exposed,
always disputes,
always doubts,
always perseveres.

Know it. As I have known it, as you have known it. As anyone who has felt its thorns will know it. We all know these things, yet we still ignore them. Or we forget, time slowly degrading our memory of the past until we come to see love as something to hold on to - to seek. We slowly forget that love is not happiness, but pain. Just as hope is pain, just as faith is pain. Without hope there is no disappointment; without faith, no regrets.

It takes so long for these wounds you carve into my chest to heal. You always find their scars after they've just finished healing, and know how to rip them open once more. That brief point in time when they are healed, when I am whole... it is still worth it to me. Eventually, I can't guarantee it will be. Eventually, the wounds you inflict will take too long to heal. The cuts opened too many times will cease to clot and scar over. I'll be left with an open wound in my chest that you can no longer fix.

It is your choice, the fate of my heart. You alone hold the ability to crush or enlighten it. You can heal these wounds completely, and diminish the scars to nothing. Or you can break me completely. It is up to you. I hope that you can choose to reinstill in me the belief that love, faith, and hope are things to be cherished. I pray that you do not ruin everything we've built thus far. Yet, you are stubborn and steadfast in your ways. If you remain as you've been we cannot last. I hope that I am worth changing for, that you can alter your foolish beliefs and ways. If not, that is your prerogative. I do not hold you here against your will. I do not wish for you to be anything other than what you are - what you are at times, what you can be.

I will do my best to hold on to you. To love you as I have. To be what you need me to be. I promise that I will flourish if tended well. I can promise that not a seriously ill word will come between us. You claim it is good that we fight, that it means we still care.

I hope you can come to show me you care without breaking my heart. Even after we broke up Clint and I fought. I don't think that means we still cared enough to be in the relationship - we simply were done with each other. Fighting does not mean that you care... it just means that you fight. You are cold, calculating, and cruel. Yes, you are also sweet, caring, and loving. Which makes it worth it.

I will be here with you as long as I can. I would like very much for that to be forever.

a Scottish prayer

I realized that I didn't write my anniversary post. Seeing as how I've said everything I need to say as how much I love Johnathan... I'm not really sure what do write about.

I think that it's a good place to start to say that I went back and read an e-mail John sent me May of last year - when we had been together only two months. He spoke of his endless love for me, and his desire that I realize that love.

It's kind of silly to me now, how I could have been so head over heels for someone in such a short time. How we've moving throughout our lives in relative peace for nine months since he wrote that. How we still feel as we did for one another in that time, stronger perhaps.

There were many who thought that we weren't going to make it. That we were in it for a rebound, for fun, and that it would dissipate just as surely and as quickly as it started. I remember an event very clearly... Sitting at work with Nate and talking about money troubles - making some comment about how if we can just hold on for six years it'll all be okay. "Yeah," says Nate "but you won't still be together then." I was shocked at this statement of, in his mind, fact. It was one thing to have my dearest Azurell remind me that the heart is a faulty thing, and to avoid basketball. To have someone completely ignore the fact that real love can exist so shortly... it stung.

I think we've shown people we are not just rebounding from prior hurts. In less than five months we will be saying our vows and acknowledging our love and commitment in a more solidified state than before.

With that, I'll end this blog with a Scottish prayer that I rather like...

Lord help us to remember when
We first met and the strong
love that grew between us.
To work that love into
practical things so that nothing
can divide us.
We ask for words both kind
and loving and hearts always
ready to ask forgiveness
as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, we put our
marriage into your hands

Tools at work are down...

So we've got solitare playing, craigslist searching MSN agents milling around waiting for a magical e-mail telling us to get back to work. It's been three hours - I'm caught up on web comics, have shopped ModCloth's new arrivals, and looked at tons of honeymoon spots - Now I shall blog!

I am thinking of self publishing a compilation of my works. I don't know if it'll sell, but apparently it's a publish as it sells company that just takes a cut from your sales. You don't sell and they don't get money - or at least that's how it seems. Double checked to make sure they don't take rights from you if you go through them too, so it seems good. I'll probably start workshopping myself until everything feels right. Then again, it'll all probably go nowhere.

I want to be better. A better partner, a better friend. I want to have a better lifestyle and a better body. I just want to make a hundred small adjustments to make things the best they can be for the current situation. I want better eating habits and better sex. A better (cleaner) home, and better cats. Better skin, better nails, and better clothes. Not perfect, not end game, just better.

John has a job! It's with Hewlett Packard doing desktop support and limited sales. It's not great work, and it tends to go against John's basic beliefs... but, it pays pretty decently for an entry level position and it gets us to a place where we can survive. That's definitely better!

Life is (hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood) getting better. Smoothing out. Routines, stability. No more emotional insanity, no more outbursts. Love, happiness, survival. There are definitely things which haven't seen marked improvement in over six months... or not sustained improvement. It seems that it's just going to fall more. Well, it's sad - but it happens, I guess.

December 21st seems to be the date we're looking forward to. One full time check of mine, and a part time one from John. We'll be able to get Christmas presents and pay all the bills and maybe...breath.

Until then my... one reader... I bid you all the happiness in the world.

The bigger the star, the faster it dies.

It is indeed a stressful time here in Paradise. With a feeling of being alone even when he's with me, and the usual drama... it's was a long day yesterday indeed. Somehow we got into a fight over the past...again. I'm not entirely even sure how it escalated the way it did other than a complete clashing of moral code. So I got the story that he'd been so desperately trying to tell me. I can only agree with - or bend my code to accommodate for 2 of his prior 7, or 8, or 9... I'm not sure which. A Sara and a Sarah... a Rachel that was included but not. So who knows? And when you start climbing into numbers that high, what does it even matter. Except for those two, every other person was against what I hold to believe as right. I understand the why, I do... and cannot blame a person for it. I know that not all hold themselves to such standards as I do myself. I understand the physical need, the want to please a partner, the want to feel needed and loved, and like you have the capacity for such inside yourself. So I am given the choice to get over it or get over him. Well, I never was planning on holding on to such things. It's more the lying that I don't like. The excuses, the trying to param in just the right thing to make each lie work within a prior lie and all to serve his agenda - whatever it may be at the time. He calls it differing perspectives, changing daily as he changes. I call it a load of crap. He hopes that I can trust him... Honestly, all I can say is that trust has to be earned - and once lost is not easily regained.

He will admit that I am not the love of his life - but says he does not believe - or doesn't have the capacity to feel as such. That he has loved others as much as he does me now, and that each one of us he has given himself completely to. Perhaps he doesn't believe in soul mates - I don't think he does. He says if I were to die, even if we were married for over 20 years, that he would love someone again, as much as he does me now. With such a fleeting definition and constraint, how do I know he will not find this next great love while I am still in the picture? He says he fell in love with the girl he cheated on Emily with. That he would have gladly spent his life with her. For something so purely based on physical, and in such a transgressional way... what do I really matter to him? The only way he could ease my mind would be to travel back in time and reevaluate his situation I suppose. The only way for me to not be feeling as I am is if he had said what I feel as truth, that he was not in love with her. Just because you fuck someone doesn't mean you love them. Apparently I've found myself one of those guys, of which there are many, that believes it does. That believes that the emotional hangs on the physical - or perhaps not even believes this as such, but knows it. Or rather, it is linked in the subconscious of which they may be unawares. I will tell you this. You cannot be in love with someone after knowing them for two days. No matter how much those two days will mean to you, it is not something you can do. You may fall in love with the idea of the matter, of how they portray themselves, of what things may be. You simply cannot love them enough to say you would spend the rest of your life with them after two days. Why did you say so little of Rachel? I have a feeling it was because you realized that you are a physical being. That you do not have to be in love to be with someone sexually ... that your very structure and foundation upon which you build your tales is nothing more than a rotten and termite infested plank.

I'm done arguing the matter. I know the truth of what is at hand. Now I am faced with the choice of whether or to call him foolish and naive or call him a liar. He is most definitely and irrefutably one of the two. . . But, which one?

If I call him foolish and naive, then I can hope that he will mature and will realize the facts as I do. If I call him a liar, than this is one too many times and the entire basis of our relationship is flawed. If he is foolish and naive I can stay with him. If he is a liar I cannot.

Perhaps I'm blind. Perhaps it's another one of the effects of the Addison poison. Perhaps I just don't want to know. Whatever it is... for now, frustrated and amazed and dumbfounded as I am... I will call him foolish. I will call him naive. I hope that he will understand his... perspective as such, with time look back and apologize the hell he put me through. For the lies he wove, unbeknown to him. I know that in taking this stance I show foolishness and naivety myself... but what choice do I really have?

In astrology we learned, the bigger the star the faster it "dies." I hope that this is not the same of love. The greater the love, the greater the passion, the quicker the flame is blown out to reveal reality. If that is the case I will have to simply hang up my hat. For I will not settle for a lessor love so that I may have forever, and I will not chase a great love to be so burned in the wake of its nova. So then, if this is the case I will choose no love.

I hope that this is not the case. That he will learn and grow and change and understand and comprehend the outlandishness of it all. That he will realize a new capacity for love. That he will find me to be the love of his life, his soul mate, the one that he loves above all past, present, and future. For if he does not... if he cannot... I'm not sure what I can do.

Why today isn't the best day ever.

Today I woke up and went to fill out some DHS paperwork that I have to get into them so we can continue to get food stamps. Since in October I made some actual money - there's a chance we might not continue getting food stamps, or get a much more reduced amount. I'm hoping I can talk our case lady into letting us keep them.... since w/o them we're totally fucked.

In addition, for some reason I'm not sure of the employment department has denied my benefits. I need to call them and figure out why, and what I can do to get them. I'm working 20 hours a week -- making LESS than my UI insurance was. It would have been better for me just to not have a job...

Our bills for the month... phone, rent, w/s/g, electric, etc. are 100.76% of John and my combined income. Which means that there is absolutely no wiggle room... None. However, even with throwing whatever else (gas, food > FS, etc.) onto credit cards (which I hate doing!) we'll still be that .76% short. Not too terribly much, but still.

John is crazy super sick. Like... death. He coughed up blood and is crazy congested. Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do except put cough drops and the like on CC and hope that he gets better.

The Mazda... well you know about that.

Debt in general. We're barely staying afloat, and a large portion of that is because of CC and car payments. Without them, all we'd have to worry about is phone/internet/tv/rent/w-s-g/electric. I tried to consolidate all of the debts (totaling close to 10k) into one loan so I could pay it off at hopefully a lower monthly payment and free up CCs for those 'just in case' moments. However, because of the amount of debt I have - and the Mazda's late payments, I was denied.... so we'll keep charging stuff on CCs to stay alive because we're spending so much on payments.... Ah, now I see why people say to avoid the mother fuckers.

I'm thinking of looking into claiming bankruptcy. Yes, it would fuck my credit for seven years, but I need to do it before John and I get married if I'm going to do it. I need to pay off car first though, because I can't get that repossessed.

Did I mention we're planning a wedding? Somehow I have a feeling that it's not going to happen. I mean, see all the above and tell me how to pull over 4k out of that? You can't. I can only hope that we get a lot more help than expected.

John still doesn't have a job. He says that he's looking and applying everywhere, but there's hardly a callback. He hasn't even been on one interview since he was laid off in April. Not one. This is rather depressing as I've had half a dozen interviews and two separate jobs since then. Stream is ramping up again - so we'll see.

To top it all off, I'm freaking out and John's telling me to have faith. Have faith that his plan will magically happen. I have faith that if we don't pay rent we'll get evicted, I have faith that if he doesn't get employed by ... next week we're fucked. He seems to think everything will be okay - but I just don't see it. So he's being an ass about me being upset, because that's helpful.

Good things? UH... right.

I have a job. It's not doing anything but fucking me over for now... but it should flip to full time soon - which will help if John gets a job too- because we'll lose some if not all of food stamps once that happens.

The check I wrote my grandparents for rent hasn't gone through yet. This is our main saving grace for making it through November. If they had cashed it when I wrote it then we'd have no money at all for any bills. With that still in the air we'll be able to make it through November... unless of course they cash it soon... In which case triple fucked. However, I can't bear to ask them not to, they're not doing too terribly hot themselves I don't think. I'll just roll with it and see what happens.

Love. Yeah, love is good. It's nice to be able to turn to my fiancé and know that we're together regardless how the chips fall. It's put a lot of strain on everything worrying about money and plans and such, but we're still together. If I had to go through this alone, I think I would have given up by now.

the moon and hormones

Between hormones and the full moon I'm not sure which is having more of an influence. I feel grumpy, irritable, out of touch, and apathetic. I want to go do something - but I don't care what, and my bed seems like a good place to be.

On a happier note, this year's Halloween was fantastic. Falling on a Saturday gave a lot of room for enjoyment for the whole weekend. There was drama at both events, and I'm sure not everyone had a good time, but I did and stayed away from all dramatic happenings. Key events include virginity being lost and 12 year olds puking from drunkenness. Yeah, some times things just happen at parties I guess.

I am really worried for some people very close to me, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I know how both sides of the picture are seeing the events and feelings, but it's kind of a not my business ordeal, even though I feel like it is.

As I near closer to my wedding day with each passing moment, I realize that things don't magically turn into fairy tales just because you want them to. Sometimes, things fade from a once sheeny glaze. The things we wish for are often not received. Not to say I am unhappy necessarily, just that things could be better. There could be more togetherness, we could be more in sync as we once were. Things could be brighter for our future, the world could look less grim. There could be more money and more free time, and more helping hands. There could be more employment and aspiration for greatness. There could be less apathy and more ambition. There could be less formality, and more spontaneity; less ruts and more passion. More structure without sacrificing freedom. The felt presence of a guiding hand. More faith, more truth, more love, more hope.

I need to write

I cannot sleep and therefore I must write, I suppose. It happens, on occasion, where all I can do is write. I know not why, or how or when it will happen. Just that, inevitably, I will have a need and who ever is in my wake will be bid to read what wondrous or mundane work I have created. Is it out of boredom alone? I don't think so, I think it is... out of necessity. I am what I am and all that I am is me. Perplex simplicities wrapped in what warmth and shelter I can take from this world. Sometimes it is much, and I am grateful. Other times, it is less than would be desired and I feel abandoned and alone. There is no switch of emotion. There is no only on or off. There are varying degrees of everything from anger to love. I love nearly everyone alive, I suppose. However, there are some I love only because they are alive and there is a soul and meaning behind their eyes; others I love because they have qualities and traits which I admire. There are those who have admirable qualities and a common ground with myself, and I love those as acquaintances and perhaps friends if enough of the right mixture is there. There are those which are simply a part of me, have been and will be and they are family, although no blood relation is necessary at all. There is love which is deep and coursing just like blood in my veins, and consuming and undeniable – like the love of family, but with a necessity and craving aspect. Within each of these categories there are varying levels. There is no on or off. You may never hear me tell you that I love you, but I do. You may beg with me and plead with me that you love me, and though I feel the same way you'll never hear me utter the words. I believe with all that I am, that you shouldn't tell someone you love them to hear a response. If you love someone and wish to let it be known, you shouldn't feel downhearted if they do not repeat the words to you. If you would feel this way – then let you never utter those words of feeling aloud. I also believe that “I love you” is said far too much. We've raped the meaning from it. It means the same as 'I like you' or, 'I think you're an awesome person.' I am just as guilty of this as the next. With all of this knowledge I hold to be nothing but the truth, it will continually befuddle and confuse me as why telling someone you love them is such an enormous deal. Why you would be willing to rid yourself of someone you love in what you claim is the deepest sense to tell someone you love as a friend – acquaintance these days – that you love them. To me, it means much more to simply be alive, to care as you will. I would not need you to tell me you love me to know that you do. Actions will always, always speak louder than words could ever hope to. It is what you do, how you treat someone that let's them know how you feel about them, not the words you speak – type – send. It is sad to me that we have come to rely on words when so very much of what we experience can not be understood with any language that I have ever encountered. I say this as someone who is more tied to words than most. I will always be a writer. Even when what I wrote was fairly pointless, silly, and without talent I considered myself as such. I feel that without writing I would surely go insane. Yet even I can admit that we place too much merit on what is said with letters smashed together in semblance of intelligent thought. As I sit here, in darkness of night and somber thoughts I wish that there was a way to download how I feel into a disk uploadable to your mind. Maybe then you would realize that by not responding you are not lying. You are choosing to love me like you say you do. I didn't start writing this to go there. I didn't even mean to, it just kind of happened as my consciousness spilled forth from my fingertips. I still feel like I am right, he is wrong, and there is nothing I can do. My dreams are consumed of him choosing her over and again. On our wedding day, random events, it doesn't matter. He always goes to her, even if he tries to come back to me later on, it doesn't do any good. He's made his choice. I guess that's it, isn't it? He did, and my subconscious doesn't want to let me forget it....

Emotional infidelity and impasses

Well, here we are. I offered the bit of realization that we won't ever be content unless we stop talking to our exes to John and he refused. Not before trying to barter with other people in my life of course. I came to him and said that I wanted to make a deal – I stop all communication beyond necessity with Clint if he returned the favor with Emily. He told me that it wasn't a deal because he didn't care about Clint. Of course this made me want to explode with anger, call Clint and go out with him to dinner or something, because as much as John would like to say Clint doesn't bother him, I know otherwise. Rather than John taking that as an obvious sign of my distress he instead tried to tell me he'd cut Emily out if I cut out Shawnta, or Danielle. I guess I should have made that deal with Danielle since I haven't talked to her in ages and doubt I will. Some ties were stronger to the workplace than to the people I suppose, as much as I enjoy her company. Well, I suppose the communication between them existing wasn't really the problem anyway, not nearly as much as the type. So, I pleaded with him that he should keep talking with her, they are friends after all, but to keep the topics and such to a friendly and platonic level. Which, apparently is impossible between them – but I was trying. Anyway, he completely refuses. Not only does he completely refuse, but he makes up some bullshit about how if he never said he loved her than he'd be lying, and I don't want to date a liar, do I? So we counter back and forth and reach this complete impasse. I don't want him to say he loves her because he shouldn't express that love for an ex, even if he loves her more than myself. He refuses to stop saying he loves her because he feels it would be lying if she said she loved him and he ignored it. To me, this seems like the biggest fallacy I've ever heard of. You can love someone all you like and not tell them, it doesn't mean that you are lying. The level of inappropriateness between the two of them coupled with his fortitude and resolve to stand his ground to continue the level of such – hurt more than I think he'll ever know. Instead of talking with me about the situation, he turns to her. What. A. Surprise. So while I'm trying to converse with him about our issues, he's texting her. Which, based on the level of conversation that we were having was... oh I don't know, the worst thing he could have possibly done. After a bit, I leave the room astonished and hurt beyond all reason that he'd continue to do so. I'm sitting there, laying or whichever, crying and pouring my heart out to him and he's texting her. So I leave, go sit in the living room, pet Kitty and converse with him about the situation. So yes, I'm a crazy cat lady to an extent I suppose, but it helps to talk out loud to someone who can't break your heart. After a while I'm just sitting there brewing and getting worse and worse in my own mind so I go back into the bedroom and express this to John who kind of angrily says 'don't worry that was the last message I'm going to send.' So in my mind I'm thinking, thank goodness, it's over. I don't have to worry about all the insecurities, I don't have to worry about my boyfriend whom I love deeper and more than anyone ever before telling his ex girlfriend that he loves her –or telling her anything at all. I don't have to worry about every time we get in a fight or disagreement him running to her like he had been. Thank goodness, right? Yeah... I was wrong. I suppose that when things occur that seem beneficial to you, you should probably be skeptical, right? Because no one will ever love you. No one will ever truly put you above all others. No one will ever really be that rock you need to hold you up and never let you fall. I guess, sometime you just need to grow up and realize that nothing will ever be like it is in fairy-tales and movies. Well, in my naiveté I thought that it was. So I continued the night as such, and we had some good conversation about his school days and fights and things. Eventually I expressed to him how much he means to me. . . and he ignored it. So, according to his prior beliefs, that would mean he didn't feel the same. So there I am, heartbroken again. At least this time it's over something – which though devastating – is reasonable. At that point, it hadn't even been three months, so me telling him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and that I've never been more in love with anyone as I am with him and that he completes me or whatever, well, it could be too much to take in. So, I let it go and we go to sleep. The next day, we're watching a movie and I start to come on to him and he asks me what's up, what made me happy? So I tell him that since we don't have to worry about any of our past issues that we can move forward and be happy together. So he's confused and we realize the misunderstanding and the argument heats up once more. Eventually I give him an ultimatum, not one saying to choose me or her, or that she goes or I do... no, I would have lost him completely and utterly had I made that my stand. The stand I choose was me or telling her he loves her. I lost that stand. I've been hurt before, by … damn near everyone I've ever met I've been hurt. Perhaps I'm too sensitive and fragile, perhaps the world is simply full of fools, perhaps I have poor taste in guys or friends, or family. No one has ever picked something so trivial over me. My mom picked my dad over me, Jack picked Caitlin over me, Clint picked Jaime over me...and now, now I wasn't getting second place to a person even, I mean yes --- but not in the strictest sense. I was simply being added to the list of someone else's wants and desires, but not in first place where I longed to be. He quoted his morals, his core values of honesty. The bullshit that he still sticks to. Saying that when someone says they love you, they mean it as a question of “Do you love me?” So that not responding with yes, I love you too, would be to say no, I do not. Well, if it helps him sleep at night he can tell himself whatever crackpot of bullshit he likes, but.... let's carry on, shall we? I was crushed beyond crushing, broken beyond anything. I had made me stand, and figured odds were in my favor. After all the bull he'd fed me about me being his primary, the one for him, perfect, how he loved me so much – all of it pointless and nullified. Yet, in my own stubbornness and devotion to him, I couldn't keep up with my threats just then. I couldn't stand to have our relationship fail. I didn't know what to do, or where to turn. I thought of everything I could, every plea I could contrive, the multiple perspectives of the scenario all leading to one thing (assuming he'd been honest with me, that is) of him saying okay to my request. I begged with all my might, and still he remained resolute. I was further devastated by my own lack of control and poise in combination by continuous refusals by the man I love. I contacted Emily, explaining the situation and hoping that she would understand. Well, whether she did or not, she not only said she'd stop with the more than platonic affections, but that she'd drop out of his, our, life completely. Not at all what I wanted, but the best I could get I suppose. I was ridiculously disappointed at costing him a friend, but thought that at least our problems were solved.

Except that... it's not solved. It's like... a band aid for a bullet wound. Well, maybe like... some gauze and tape, but no stitches... oh I'm not good at metaphors apparently, but it's like this. . . The cause of our issues is gone, yes, but he should have wanted it to be gone. He shouldn't have been telling his ex that he loved her in the first place – not once I was his girlfriend at least. As he was, my request should have been met and complied with instantaneously, without qualms or fights. It should have gone like this... “Okay, I have a deal, I cut Clint completely out of my life, and you do the same for Emily.” “Well, I will if you want – but I'd rather not.” “Okay, well, at least don't tell you that you love her anymore?” “That I can do.” “Thank you.”

Or, something more poetic like... or not, but whatever. The gist of it is there. Instead there's this lingering in the back of my mind. Rather than rid me of insecurities as was the 'plan' I'm riddled with more now than before. When I don't ponder and reflect, everything is wonderful. He is and will remain the love of my life and the one I want to be with. He's still the same sweet, funny, considerate, amazing person as he was before and my love for him is unaffected by his transgressions against our relationship. I feel my heart overflow when I look at him, I long for the touch of his skin and would gladly spend the rest of my life with him in commitment today if I knew he felt the same for me as I do for him. The day that he feels like I am his best friend, the only lover he'll ever need, the light of his life, the person he loves above all others past and present and someone that completes his world...that will be the day I will walk with him into the courthouse and sign all the documents to make it official. Of course, I'd much rather have him just propose on the day he realizes that I am these things to him and, like, actually do it proper style --- or as proper as I can manage. I'm beginning to realize that some traditions just won't hold for me. Would it be so wrong for John and I to walk each other down the aisle? Probably. Eh, whatever. Well, we've pretty much been doing the same ol' same. No jobs, no money, no prospects in life. Living off of faith and love and trying to survive. Everything would be perfect between us, except for the lingering doubt I have because he wouldn't not tell her he loves her. If he had agreed when I asked, I'm not sure if anything would outwardly be different than it is now...but inwardly, very much so. I wouldn't doubt that he loves me above all other lovers he's been with, or people he meets. I feel like I will never be good enough for him. That he will always hold on to past relationships for comparison, and that I may meet them, but will never beat them. I feel like I will never be the person he can say he loved more than any other person he'd ever met. I will never be the person that swept him off his feet and kept him there like others failed to do.

What's worse, I think, than that? I know this, that I will never be more in his mind than any past love, and still as long as he considered me his best friend and would remain faithful to me – I'd still marry him. Even though that would mean that his soul mate is still out there somewhere, even if it kept him from ever meeting her. While in most cases I wish John the best, and would give up my own happiness to make him happy – on this point I am sure I would fail in my moral resolve. To keep him in my life I would forsake him the love of his. That sounds ridiculously messed up now that I've written it down, but...that's just how it is.

So, while I do not forgive him – I do my best to forget. Maybe someday I will forgive him. The more probable case is I simply stop caring about Emily and that he chose her, because he has been with me long enough for it to be mute. That isn't now, and I don't think it will be soon, but I do think that it will be someday. I hope I can forget how he made me feel, that he broke my heart while swearing to protect it. I hope I can forget how he told me that he will be mine as long as I want nothing and no one more than him – and was a hypocrite to his own beliefs. Where's the moral code in that? I'd give up a lot of interactions with others, regardless of how I felt about them rather than be a hypocrite like that on a matter of utmost importance to the person I was supposed to be dedicated to.

There I go again. Raw wounds still, though time has passed enough for him to have forgotten. I hope they do not remain raw too much longer, for they pain me so.

it's been 68 days

...and we've got a pretty nifty apartment in a decent area of the Tron. We've got a pool around the corner, a computer center, and a fitness center too. We've got amazing friends that come over to play some Guitar Hero World Tour and get drunkard. We've got a microwave on the way and some bar stools from the grandma. We've got two lovely kitties that are all about BAMSAP but are still angels and cuddly. We've got snuggle times, solitaire competitions, lots of laughs, long epic talks and great sex. We've got power bracelets, rings, and gems - and an ankh necklace that is apparently older than me. We've got faith that everything will work out okay, somehow. We've got a smidgen of mystery and lots of learning and growing to do. We've got some baggage on both sides, but we've got a lot of love as well. We've got altered senses of time with speed and slow motion intermingled with chaotic precision. If money didn't exist life would be full of rainbows, butterflies, sunshine, magic, and fairy dust, and springy music.

I am in love.

I am glad the emo is done with. That whole day of crying at work and being over dramatic was all for nothing as I figured it would be. Clint is trying to get back into my life. Well, I'm not against it. He was my best friend and at times only friend for the past four years and it would nice to have him back in that regard. And, to be honest with the lack of sex and real physical contact that existed between us there for quite a while - I don't think it'll be too hard to have it happen.

You can still tell me no - but for fuck's sake you have to do it outright. I should, as a good girlfriend and person, realize your wants and comply. However, I am stubborn - always have been and will continue to be until I die (and probably afterwards).

I've known that I've that I loved you longer than I would let myself say it. Still, at times it seems strange. When the time-space continuum shifts and I can see the real world's speed. . . However, I didn't know how much, and how real until the other night. First - I had an overwhelming need to --- consume? I've never felt that way before, and while it was almost unnerving, it was great as well. I don't know if I've needed anything as much as I needed the taste of your flesh and to feel you as I did then. As you said, "that's not you, it's me." Well, that quote doesn't make sense in the blog based off of the fact that it was you saying it and me only agreeing not me saying it on a different matter, but what the hey.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was this - In Montage as you describe how that restaurant breaks down your abilities, the light from outside and the candle mingled in perfect harmony on your face and danced in your irises with glee. You seemed to nearly glow. As I stared into your eyes a feeling of pure peace washed over me and my heart felt warm and full to the point of bursting. In fact, so much emotion was welling forth I thought my face would break from a smile or that tears would well in my eyes. I'm not sure if any extra moisture made it to my optical orbs, however I do know that a smile most surely passed across my face. Not only that but.. God I don't know how to describe how it feels to look at someone you love.... like warm, directed... love beams shooting from your eyes. The feeling is so intense at times and it is usually at these times that you ask me what I am feeling - because it is intense and felt in every portion of my face it amazes me that you cannot tell - whether you can read me or not ... I don't know, you should be able to read that.

In short... I love you. Completely, outrageously, ridiculously, absolutely and... terrifyingly. I don't know how it happened, I don't know why in the grand scheme it happened, and I don't know exactly when it happened... but it did.

I know that we have our insecurities, but know this. Mine will fade with time. I know this from my own past experiences. I may, for a while, think that Emily still holds your heart - regardless of how many times you tell me otherwise. I may, for this same time be afraid that if ever she called you would run to her. However, as our relationship and love become stronger I will think/feel this less and less. It will NOT be something which crumbles our relationship.

I don't know from where your insecurities within Clint lie... He is no threat to you. Comparisions aside - of which I could make numerous... I love you and am with you and will be with you as long as you want me. I will be with no other in any respect. If .. for some unforseen and dreadful reason I have feelings or want someone else, I will definitely bring it to your attention before the temptress or temptor even has a lingering thought on the matter. I hope that your insecurities do not crumble us as you say they will.

Age with me, keep me with you. Be my radioactive, alien, vampyre, werewolf, robot, panda bear Asian forever if you choose. Be mine as long as you will have me, I will be yours. When you no longer want me, please be gentle in the way you sever me from your world. I am afraid when I hit reality's time I may shatter - flesh ripped from bone. Yeah... let's not think about that, shall we?

Anything else in Stephanie world worth mentioning? I got a 91 on a fucked up Astro test. I think Mouse's kittens are fantasticly adorable. I am so happy Merrick is a cat. I am terrified of being in the apartment now because I want to avoid confrontation. The apartment manager and I will eventually have to speak to one another and in doing so I will probably no longer have a place to live. FML right now. I don't have any money to give, but because I feel the need to I'm giving Az money. I'll make it work somehow. As soon as you exist I think things will work better. Please exist soon. I want to have a place to live with the loves. My boy and my kitties.

TTFN whoever reads this nonsense.

All that we are is contradictory to all that they say we should be.

I hope now you understand slightly more what I meant and that you have no cause for worry. I don't really know how to describe this hollow feeling but it is more than just the acceptance of love I know; for it is in conjunction with other emotions as well.

I can't really explain how I feel about you without feeling like I'm sounding like... well for lack of a better metaphor, I'll stick with one we've dealt with before "that girl at the party you make out with..." I get this sensation that ... that what I feel is irrational, and careless, and it terrifies me. I shouldn't be this deep four weeks in. That's not to say that I have any regrets or major apprehensions at all. It only means that I am aware of how I feel and the way in contrasts with societal standards. I know, I know - fuck society, right? Well... I am trying, and have been moderately so. Right? Right. For all that we are is contradictory to all that they say we should be.

Know that there is no place I'd rather be right now than wrapped in the covers, your arms, and bliss. I have obligations to attend to, but that doesn't mean that I desire them. Lately my desires have been singular and simplistic. You, kitty love, sunshine, distraction. So don't doubt me, or us. Don't contemplate and fret because you see the world in black and white and where I lie is in fields and gradients of gray. I have told you numerous times that I am a walking contradiction. I have never met anyone who contains as much duality in their personality as I, or at least have never seen the duality as much as I can see my own. I wish there was something I could do or say to ease your mind. I hope that you can take me at my word and my actions and the way that I know I must look at you. You take my breath away sometimes, and I am surprised that you have any doubt at all.

I have never felt this stressed financially ever, except I don't know - when I was a kid feeling the stress indirectly. I am concerned that I won't be able to continue going to school because of finances and the state of the economy. I am worried that I will fall away from my friends when this contract ends. I am concerned that everything in my life is on the verge of being ripped apart. In the same token I feel like I removed from reality and living in a separate bubble than the rest of the world. Like I'm on a sort of vacation from reality. Which should mean that I don't worry - but it doesn't. I need to accomplish these things, I have to have these goals or I am lost.

Boyce Avenue to Slipknot

Because I am listening to Boyce Avenue it means that I need to write. I figured that he probably doesn't need a book of poetry in his name so we can blog about life or something. It's really strange that I can write happy poems these days. I was pleaded with by prior loves to write something positive about them - and I did, this is true, but it wasn't very good. For the most part he inspired darker, more emotional poems with broken structure mirroring my broken heart. The happy poems took days and were forced. Yet, with the help of Boyce Avenue and something real I am able to write when the mood strikes with some measure of rapture and meter combining in an outlook not so gloomy or drab and done nearly as fast as my fingers can pound them out.

Perhaps when the picture faded to gray it was only for an intermission. The velvet shrouding the stage will be peeled back as the crowd in my heart begs for an encore. One last song to echo the times we are stumbling through. I can give it to you, whoever wishes to see this slowly mending broken frame I've been building for the last 20 years. One stitch at a time, one bandage, one sip of wine to dull the ache. Though I feel weak right now, strength is inevitable. Though I stumble and fall on shattered knees with tear stained cheeks, I look to the light. Sometimes, the essence of this world seeps through my pores and drives me to be full to the point of explosion. I still feel hollow at other times, like my life force has been drained slowly from me and I snap to the realization harshly. Acting on emotions I cannot accurately feel. That's not quite right, but I lack the command of this or any other language to describe it differently.

I'll find myself smiling and twirling circles and skipping without feeling happiness. I'll find myself kissing and holding and needing to be with him without eternally defining and recognizing love or desire. I'll sit there with furrowed brow and crossed arms and not realize I'm stressed. These actions are involuntary for the most part - as they would be if someone could feel. I'm not sure what this means... but it scares me. Have I worked to be apathetic for so long I've detached an internal cable connecting my mind and heart to basic bodily functionality? Did my wish to be detached from humanity's issues cause this detachment within self? Something is broken; I don't know how to fix it.

It makes me feel like I am lying. When I say I am happy, or that I love you. The only thing I've felt before reactions arise lately has been stress/apprehension. I don't know how to talk to it, about it. I just crave his arms around me, with my kitties cuddled. A nice warm glass of tea, and a sunset of symphonies. I don't know what that means - what any of this means, really.

I wish to feel truly, to love deeply, to dance with a current of joy playing on my nerves. I can only have faith that everything will be okay. That God will swoop down his hand and touch my heart once more.

It's slipknot time now. Vol. 3, yeah where they actually sing prettily. I don't wanna be this, but I won't let this build up inside of me.