Last week was the most stressful, burnt out, miserable, confusing week I've had.
In a long, long time.

Saturday we're supposed to go to a barbeque, I say, let's go see what a car dealership can do for us, out of curiosity.
They play their game too well.
Sign us in for $1300 and 375 a month. A 2003 Honda Accord with issues and 200k miles.
We panic.
Balk.
Scream and squirm our way back to reality.


Monday brings news bitter to taste.
No more AdCenter.
No more Display.
No more job.
Panic forms a knot around my chest.
Worked so hard, gave so much to this place, to this team. Never got the recognition I deserved, and now I never will.


Connected cohorts form a plan.
We return the car with amenities.
Done. Obligations erased. Plans formed for debt reduction. This is a good thing. Pushed to our limits we have more than we thought. We will be okay. Job loss or no. We will be able to pay off all the madness we've been collecting faster than expected. Thank goodness!

And then....

What if it's cold? What if it rains? What if a bun inside my oven bakes? What if the fuse box fills with water again, short circuits my Jane?

So back we go. Full of thoughts of winter days, of car seats strapped to convertible tops, to backs of motorcycles.

Less money this time. More than we have, yes. More than we can possibly do, yes. But have no fear the husband says. Overtime, it's coming the husband says. I'll make it work, the husband says. So I believe. Save $4k. Get a BMW with 65k miles from two decades past. Partying like it's 1999, with a smaller price tag.

Lose heated seats, sun roof. Lose 6 disc changer, lose leather interior. Gain German engineering. Gain $250 from down payment. Gain $4,000 from previous deal. Perhaps gain more respect. Perhaps.

Taxes. Evil taxes. Steal our money, rape our wallets. Take $151 from me. Needed funds. Expected funds. Here we sit. Signed and delivered. $200 short of the minimum of where we need to be. Balancing act of where to put the money. Phone bill left unpayed. Unable to keep these promises we make.

Left further in debt that we could imagine. Unable to make payments promised. Have to give up all we'd worked for. For what?

Reassurance that when the rain pours down and the earth freezes, that we'll be okay. That if God delivers onto us a child, we'll be able to bring him or her home.

It seems reasonable and yet so foolish. Hoping for overtime. Hoping for our craigslist postings to sell. Hoping for free lance work. Praying for a miracle.

Out of work. Out of luck. Out of time.

If you know of any manual / computer work that needs to be done that can be accomplished Sun/Monday or after 2:00 PM let John know. Hook him up. If you know anyone looking for a cell phone or a laptop, let us know. We'll hook you/them up.

Also thinking of selling my wedding dress & garment bag ($180) , sash ($5) (rose petal), necklace($15), and slip($10). Would like to keep that to friends/family circles though. Veil ($50) will be available after mid-September. So that's a full bride's outfit (size 8/10) for $260. Let me know.