Everyone has varying levels of closeness they award people in their lives. For me, I have certain tiers, for sure. There's the Facebook friends/work friends/acquaintances, friends, close friends, framily, and family.

The first group doesn't get much of me and I don't expect much of them. They might pass me over for an invite or forget my birthday. No big deal, we're not real friends.

I don't have very many people in the second or third categories really, though a few. Siblings and friends of those in the framily group mainly make up this category. I want to know you better, but it might be weird if I called you up for a one on one, or if you did to me though we'd likely have a good time if either of us decided to reach out. My social anxiety prevents me from doing so, and I'm just a passing glance to most so you don't either. So here we are.

Unfortunately/fortunately most of my "friends" are in the framily group. I've known you for a decade or more and I've accepted your family as my own. My Scorpio brain gets depressed when I'm not invited to your family exclusive camping trips or for the holidays and I have to remind myself I'm not actually related by blood.

Then there's my actual blood family, which doesn't include all those exiled I suppose, but are the ones that are supposed to be there thick and thin.

So, here's the problem I have. My actual family doesn't invite my unit along. John doesn't get invited to fathers day fishing trips with every. other. father. in my family. We don't get invited on trips or getaways. I'm not asked to be included in wedding planning or included in day to day conversations. I'm the last to know about illnesses or other serious things within the family. The last to know about college plans or new relationships. When I did reach out to try and form connections, at the very least for Oliver's sake, I've failed to receive the connection I sought. Which leaves me really only reaching out when I need something to protect my fragile ego. Which feels shitty for me and I'm sure shitty for them. I feel like the black garbage sheep and I'm sure they feel used. Not healthy for anyone but I'm clueless as to how to fix it, so I don't.

My framily are those who are the closest to me but there's no blood relation there. My closest friends who I would do anything for. And I'm learning more and more that the feeling here is not reciprocal. It's unfair to expect everyone to give of themselves or to love as easy as I do, and I understand that, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. When they move away, make big life decisions, leave me off the invite, it hurts like a dagger to the heart. And it's not all about me, obviously. Sometimes people grow apart and one (me) still tries to hold on. But I've never been very good at letting go.

So I don't know what to do. I don't know how to voice the fact that hey you're my family and you're supposed to love me damnit without sounding desperate, needy, or crazy. But... hey... you're my family...and you're supposed to love me, damnit. And that goes for blood relations or no. But if it's not there, it's not there. So what do I do? I can hide in my room and cry, which is the likely choice. I can cut out everyone who doesn't reciprocate my level of attachment (which let's be honest here, is literally everyone I know). For now I'm just trying to purge my brain of this because this feeling of massive unlovedness is sitting on my chest suffocating me and I can't sleep and I have to get up in four hours.

I tried to get a group together for a silly scavenger hunt and couldn't get 15 people in my life to care enough. I host parties people are hours late to if they show at all. I'm left out of conversations and events. And I know this isn't everyone. Of course it's not or I'd have totally stopped trying. But connections and relationships are extremely important to me. As is love and acceptance. And John is but one man, and while his love is immense, it's a romantic love. And I crave a social love as well. I crave people to paint my toenails with and watch Disney movies, a group that makes me feel like I am a part of something bigger than myself, something that is larger than the sum of its parts. I crave siblings, and cousins, and nieces and nephews and the whole damn shebang. I crave a family that wants me as badly, deeply, and wholeheartedly as I want them. That doesn't make me feel like I'm not wanted or removed from their inner circle. That is inclusive, and caring, and equal. And maybe someday I'll have that. I feel like I might have, once. But I keep trying to build it and I keep failing. And the only way seems to be to have a ton more kids. But they're expensive. Also babies are gross and boring.

Now my rant has become a ramble. It doesn't matter, no one reads this anyway.

Good night... I hope.