Ready and able?

Two questions I've been thinking about a lot lately, or more so that have been haunting me lately...

Is it worth it?

and

Am I ready?

The first question I imagine will be answered once Oliver is actually here, in my arms. I imagine, from the fact that people still continue to plan to have children and most that have one have more than one... the answer will be yes. He will be worth the sleepless nights, the stretch marks, the pain and annoyance and uncomfortable situation I've been in for the last six months and will continue to be in for the foreseeable future. There are far too many people who have told me they loved being pregnant... I just can't see it. Can't imagine someone who would enter into this knowing full well what it was going to be. Then again, I imagine he's worth it. And if he is, I imagine that his siblings very well may be as well. Still... without knowing him, if someone had given me a preview of what it would be like... I think I would have decided against having children or at the very least waited until ... I don't know. Until I didn't care about what I looked like, until I didn't have to work, until... something. Probably wouldn't have happened though. I have hope I will have changed my opinion on the matter once Oliver is actually here. Hoping it's just a in the moment thing.'

But, am I ready? This I can most assuredly answer no. Not at all. I think when we decided to take this journey we thought we were ready. We must have, right? This pregnancy wasn't an oopsy daisy kind of thing. We planned it, wanted it. Decided we had our ducks in a row enough to add another member to our family. And then all our ducks died. Which probably is the main reason why we are not ready. We essentially depend on the baby shower to provide us everything we need for Oliver for at least the first month or so of his life. Though, really, I'm going to be out of commission, so... who knows. I hope that John gets the pay initially promised to him - that will help. But, the company seems to be severely back tracking. We couldn't afford for me to take off two months without a baby... so no, we're not ready.

Finances aside, am I ready? Am I ready to change diapers, breast feed, be spit up / pooped / peed on? Am I ready to have this living, breathing, learning, human being depend 100% on me for his very survival? I don't know. I've always assumed that this would be the easy part. That finances might be rough, but that taking care of the baby - that would be easy. But now as we're quickly approaching D-Day... I'm having second thoughts. We can't afford any of these childbirth preparation classes, which has me nervous - but I have faith in the internet and my own pain tolerance management to make it through. But then after? I can't count how many diapers I've changed, how many bottles I've made, how many stories read, and time outs issued. And yet... I am terrified to my very core that I won't know what I'm doing. That as soon as Oliver emerges into this world every child I've previously taken care of, every memory will vanish. I'll be left with a micro-human that may as well be an alien species. Then what? I love Johnathan but my faith in him to step up and be super dad is ... limited. He's never had the child experiences, so everything to him will be totally brand new. I can't just expect him to step in and do everything while I stare at Oliver like he's from Mars and I'm a paralytic robot.  I don't have a nesting instinct, everything continues on the way it was. The baby stuff we've gotten so far remains packaged up and out of site as if we're trying to delay the inevitable, as if we can't accept what's knocking at our door.

So, you know, there's that. I've just adjusted to being pregnant. Granted, it hasn't been the easiest or most graceful of transitions, but I'm at the point where I can't really remember what it was like to not have life inside of me. I'm worried that the transition from pregnant to mother is going to be just as rough. And I can't exactly take six months to get used to the idea. It has to happen immediately, like flipping a light switch. Civilian to Officer with no training in an instant. I'm scared that I just won't be able to cut it. That I'll be shot out of the sky before I even earn my wings.

I've never really heard anyone else voice these things. So I wonder, am I the only one who feels this way? Johnathan seems to voice the same concerns. I know we can't be the only expectant parents in a planned pregnancy to be so completely and totally unprepared and terrified. Yet, does it make us bad people, does it predicate an awful parenthood? I'm not sure, and I really hope not. I hope that when Oliver comes into this world that right switches are flipped, the maternal instinct I've always had so strongly is reignited and instinct and love take over. They've gotten me this far, let's see what else they can do.

Okay, well.... I've gotten in touch with Craigslist, the humane society/pet finder, and posted on a neighborhood site. Thus far, no word on the fluff known as Murr. I'm crying, Mitter's crying... but I haven't heard any murrs in response. I've walked the streets, but with so many houses, so many back yards, it's impossible to look everywhere, and even if you did you still might not find her/him.

I just hope that wherever she is, he's happy. That this was her chance to live the feral life that she wanted. Why she's always stayed close to home before when he's escaped, and this time seemingly vanished... I don't know. Perhaps it is that the weather is more fair and the area more explorable.

I have her picture on my "this is why you work" board... a piece of paper I keep above my computer monitor at work with pictures of John and the kitties... motivation when work gets me down. Today, I looked at it and started bawling at my desk. I'm sure hormones don't help the case any...

Can you get any cuter than that‽

I mean, this one tries.....



I guess he does a pretty good job when he wants to. I've kind of lost hope... but it hasn't been too long, not yet a week.. so maybe we'll get to see her again soon.

Until then, sleep well wherever your head lies....

Woo Insurance!

Because I am beyond broke, pregnant, and don't currently have any other offerings on the table, I was able to qualify for the Oregon Health Plan. So, since February all of my doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, etc. have been totally covered. As I started my new job in February, I'll be eligible to start getting insurance through them in May. Which very well may leave me fending for myself by paying for insurance and a deductible I can't afford. I'm hoping I'll still qualify for some sort of help in the matter...

Since I know I won't probably have it for very long, I went to the dentist (it'd been 5 years) and eye doctor (it had been 4 years) along with my normal baby check up. The dentists has always been a calming place for me, though I'm sure that makes me some kind of freak, and it was nice to get everything all tidied up. Teeth looked great, no cavities - which was a surprise given my oral hygiene over the last 3 or so years has consisted of quickly brushing my teeth in the morning before work and nothing else. I do, however, show signs of pregnancy gingivitis, so Listerine was recommended. Hopefully that clears up and I'm able to keep everything shiny. I also got floss threader things to clean out my permanent retainer since it's a pain in the ass. Yay!

At the eye doctor's, I learned that my prescription just needed slight adjusting. Although, I'm not sure how slight since I feel my vision is far worse and I'm not being able to see anything even with my glasses...so, we'll see. However, I also learned that OHP while great for doctor's appointments and pretty good for dentist appointments, is not so great for glasses. The cover the exam, which is amazing - but then only the cheapest of cheap products. Which, essentially boils down to them covering $75 and you covering the rest. Luckily John sold his bike and we had a small amount of extra cash left over from that after paying bills.

At the prenatal check up I learned that everything is right in the middle of where it should be. So even though apparently I look way bigger than 21 weeks according to family...and the lady at the DMV... I'm actually totally average. That, and seeing some other pregnant ladies that look just as/more pregnant than me that are less along helped my confidence a bit. Though, I still feel giant! Oliver is growing perfectly proportionally and we got more negative results back from genetic screening (a good thing). It was last appointment with Dr. Brown's office since she's decided that in June she's going to stop delivering babies. So I've got to make an appointment with another office in the area. If they don't work out, I may end up delivering at St. Vincent's instead of Tuality. Which wouldn't necessarily be the worst thing ever, but - I don't know, for some reason Tuality feels more safe and less corporate, even though they're way more into making money than St. Vincent's is. Also, I'm a little worried about the insurance change over in May. I have no idea who the insurance provider is, and what doctor's they'll support... which could change something again and I might only get one appointment at my new place before I have to switch. I hope it's not Kieser or something which doesn't give me much choice in the matter.

I feel much better though, that I've taken care of myself, and although I had to pay quite a bit for the glasses/lenses - I've still saved five times as much over the last few months by having OHP in the first place.

So, yay insurance! Yay being healthy! Looking forward to having a perfect baby boy here in (OMG!) four months.

Happy birthday/Easter!

Happy Birthday Johnathan!
Happy Easter everyone!

This weekend we're saying "whoops" to the diet and eating what's...there, I guess. We did semi-okay yesterday with veggie pizzas but... there were chips and cake and soda... the kind of noms that beg for me and leave you feeling less than pristine the next morning. And soon we'll be heading off to a family BBQ for Easter, which I'm sure will be full of burgers, franks, and all other kinds of animal protein goodness.

Oh well, for dinner we'll be back to the wholesome goodness, and we'll continue it - so I guess it's not *that* bad to have an average American's diet for two days.

John's birthday party was actually quite nice, hanging out with friends new and old - just conversating. So much so that I lost my voice from talking and laughing by the end of the night. Never a bad thing in my opinion.

Reached out to Tiffany the other day. Seems like John wants to know my agenda. I don't have one, really. I just want her to know that she's still loved, I guess. That even though there are bad things happening in her life that it's okay... I don't know. That and now that she's not with James she won't have that... evil? breathing down her neck. Maybe she'll get back to what she once was. Or, at least something more that than what she's been of late. We all change, grow up, have families so... I guess hoping for high school is a little more than silly.

Oliver is getting bigger and bigger by the day it seems, and that means so am I! I don't know how I'm supposed to contain him when he's twice as long and seven times as heavy. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams already. I guess we'll stay tuned on that note. I made a new blog as well (dearestoliver.blogspot.com) that's not exactly going to be entertaining to anyone - but is a journal of sorts from me to my son. I think it'll help me bond before he's born, and something to keep going throughout his years - to maybe bind into a book once he's an adult or something.

Happy Easter to one and all. Let's take a moment to celebrate new beginnings, spring air, and - most importantly recognizing that "God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." Have a safe, fun, and happy holiday!

Going vegan...ish

Idly flipping through Netflix one weekend I came across the documentary Forks Over Knives.

With John's heart problems, weird tumor things, and previous exposure to all kinds of cancer making things it seemed kind of no-brainer that a vegan diet is the way to go.

So I did a ton of research and discovered that all of what they say in that documentary is fact... and that it's kind of scary.

After depleting our store of non-happy food in the house, John and I did our first grocery shopping trip. Two days in, and so far so good.

Here are the strict guidelines as laid out in the film/research:
- Vegan diet (no animal protein of any kind).
- Low sodium diet (the caloric intake must be equal or more than the sodium mg)
- No oil
- No sugar
- No refined foods.

That's pretty extreme, but ... so is cancer and heart disease. However, I just don't think that diet's realistic to jump into - especially whilst almost 5 months pregnant. So I'm doing something a bit different...

- Lacto Vegetarian (cutting down but still trying to get enough servings as recommended for preggers. No fish, no chicken, no eggs, the only animal anything will be from dairy)
- Low sodium (1:1 calories:sodium mg)
- Minimal oils (No oil for instance, in the hummus I made, but a drizzle while sauteing veggies)
- No "fake" sugars. No HFCS, no corn syrup, no aspartame, etc. Cane sugar / organic sugar / honey is preferred, but plain old sugar in moderation allowed.
- No MSG, or anything on the label you don't know what it is.

John is a bit harder to win over to the dark side... so he's changing things up by doing the above with the below modifications:
- No red meat. Limited land animal protein, most protein from seafood.
- Reduced sodium intake (1.5:1 calories:sodium mg)

We'll see how it goes. It's been two days so far and it's not that big of a deal for me. I've found the texture/taste of meat pretty gross in the last several months. If baby wants to be a vegetarian, I'm okay with that. I have a pretty large need for cheese though, which I'm trying to cut back on...we'll see.

I'm just as content with grapenuts as fruit loops, with apples instead of pop-tarts, with hummus and veggie wraps instead of chicken and pasta, as mushrooms and rice with low sodium soy sauce instead teriyaki beef.

We've also decided that one day a week we'll allow ourselves the indulgence we've been craving. Whether that's chicken wings (Wing Tuesdays anyone?) or a steak or a bag of potato chips... who knows. So far I am content knowing I'm putting good food in, getting good nutrients, and making myself healthy (and by proxy the baby healthy). I want John to be old enough to see his kids get married and have kids on their own and there's no way that's going to happen if it's all steaks and cheeseburgers.

So..it's written down, now I can hold myself accountable. :) Wish me luck on my healthier trails!

3 Years

March 22nd, 2009 is when it all began....

Three years together.

Just about as long living together... (shhh we don't break social norms!)

One year, eight months since forever I do.

Eighteen weeks into "Oh my goodness, what ever shall we do?!"

Growing, learning, loving. Praying, hoping, wishing. 

It's been a wild ride, this love. Everything seems to always be happening, yet never at the right time. Or... things seem to happen at the right time, then everything else falls apart. 

Hand in hand, we remain. Two heartbeats against the world....three heartbeats against the world. 

Here in a few months hopefully I'll be able to write about all the joy I have for something else as well.

I get to find out the sex of the bell-pepper sized acrobat growing inside of me. Then we'll be able to formulate and scheme just a little bit better, be able to narrow our gaze to just a few names, and finally know whether 'it' is a he or a she. Whether we're into tiny little suit vests or big ol' tutus. 

Three years we started this... and here's to three more... and so on, and so on.

♥ 15 months ♥ 20 months ♥ 36 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥ 

Baby names and updates on life

I've gotten a lot of people asking me if we have any names picked out, so I figured this would be a good place to share the list we have so far.

Chances are the name we decide on hasn't been thought of yet, we tend to flip flop back and forth. Middle names are in parenthesis if they apply. And for ones that don't have middle names, just go with Lee .. that's a good middle ground. Or Francis, one of the best teachers from my youth gave everyone the middle name of Francis....

Girl Names:

Bellana (Paris)
Laureli
Victoria
Faye
Lily
Reagan
Elizabeth
Jean
Anna (Marie)
Megan (Gwynn)
Chloe
Quinn
Annika

Boy Names:

Bradley
Brandon
Elijah
Peter
Warren (Kenneth)
Oliver
William (Thomas)
Wesley

and... John says no but I say they're still in the running....

Zefram
Nicolai / Nicholas

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This past week hasn't been the greatest for me... starting to show even more than ever and it's starting to kill my self esteem. If I stand up straight... I can't see my toes....

John pulled me into the bathroom to stare at myself in the mirror, told me I was as beautiful as ever, and made his hands into a heart on my tummy. So, you know, at least there's that.

It feels good to have support from most of my family as well. I think a few think we're too young, maybe foolish for the timing, I don't know.... but for the most part it's congratulations and war stories and it makes me feel happy that we told everyone. I know the biggest critic of my life will always be me, and I know I'm too young, and I know the timing is horrendous. I also know that despite the fact I feel like crap 24/7 and want a sling to help hold my tummy up... I've never been happier. Never more in love, never more excited for the future. And really, it's not necessarily that I'm too young either, just that I don't have a workable degree. Had I gone for dental hygiene like I had originally planned out of high school, I'd be a lot better off and the perfect age. I don't want to work once the baby is born anyway, and Johnathan is a breath away from 27 and has a workable degree that can make six figures if he wanted it to. So... yeah. We were finally caught up on everything and getting ready to pay down debt when we got pregnant, life was looking good. Fate had it we'd both be unemployed a month later. Such is life.

Anyway, thanks for all the kind words! We'll know here within a month or so the gender of the baby, and then we can really start scheming ;-) I've got a low paying job to finally bring in something since unemployment was denied, and Johnathan's applying and hoping. If you know of any places needing an IT guy, he's your man.

Smiles and Sunshine.