Laying in bed, listening to Rilo Kiley, just pondering life. Like why Betsy who used to be one of my best friends now hates me. Being nervous about graduating and moving out. Thinking about going to visit Clint's family in San Diego. Somehow knowing he'll have like zero fun with me. I mean... I'll drink and smoke and party, but that's the limit of exciting things for me. I don't do theme parks... you know, anything fast paced. He's going to want to do all these things, he's crazy so.. crazy things. I'm such a home body, I don't do stuff that's crazy. I can lay on a beach, go swimming, stuff that's relatively low key. I don't like danger or trouble, and I don't like being scared. Oh well. I'm terrified to meet his family. Since I have major issues with meeting new people, and what their opinions of me are. I wish I could just not care, but that's not anywhere in my personality traits. I am the worrier, the obsessor, and one who plans out details in my head over and over so I don't miss anything. Of course, I forget nearly everything. I guess that's okay... not really. I have no idea how Clint and I work. I'm the studious writer who analyzes and over analyzes everything. He's a lazy jock who doesn't care about opinions and just goes with the flow. I am an anti-going with the flow kind of gal. Yet, despite the polarity within personalities it works. Not that we don't have our snags and bumps, but we get through them just fine. That's just what we'll do because we're engaged and that's awesome. Although I don't think our engagement is quite official since we aren't really telling anyone... we'll whatever, it's official to us and that's what matters the most.
School stresses me out! We have to do thirty hour internships... and since my professional choice isn't within public services -- the class focus program I'm in.. I have to do it with someone I know. Being either Dr. Alexander or Dr. Fiske or Laidlaw. I shall write them letters shortly. Graduation is approaching... in 15 days Clint and I will be 10 months into our relationship. Valentine's day is in six days, winter formal in three! I still am 'unable' to get my license. There's quite a bit on my plate if I do say so. Oh.. AP tests are in may. I have four classes, I'll probably only take three of the tests. AP Calculus scares me. Anyway, it's good night time!
Wednesday, February 8, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
I have all I could want
On my way to college I am. I've been accepted, I'm nearing filling out all my scholarships... looked at housing, figuring out all that jazz. It's pretty exciting when I think about the fact that it's actually happening. Something I've wanted since I knew what college was. I've wanted an amazing boyfriend to marry, and a schooling that surpasses what my family has had. I have, or will have, both. I'm so lucky to have the teachers working with me or I never would have made it this far. It's exciting, I'm excited... and also, need sleep.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
ponderings of the future
Being a girl totally sucks. Cramps and what not and bleeding like a mother. Oh well, it's nothing new. Brittany and I looked at apartments for when we go to school. We can make the reservations for our place in August... which is seven months away. Doesn't seem like it's too close until you really look at it. Clint and I have been together for nine months and it feels like a fraction of that. Seven months will go by fast, especially with all the business of Senior year. Winter formal, AP tests, prom, homework, etc. Being with all my people - mostly Clint, but that could change. Then I'll be in college and living with friends and ... that's pretty crazy. The only prople I'll have is finding a job in the area close to school. Other than that I'll be okay.
I just realized that Brittany's parents are actually interested in her college. They actually give a damn. Like pay attention to dates of things and encourage her to do scholarships and everything like that. Mine? Couldn't care less. Didn't even care if I applied for it. All they care about is the money involved. How much it's going to cost them for my livelihood. For the betterment of myself. Fuck it. I'm too... angry
I just realized that Brittany's parents are actually interested in her college. They actually give a damn. Like pay attention to dates of things and encourage her to do scholarships and everything like that. Mine? Couldn't care less. Didn't even care if I applied for it. All they care about is the money involved. How much it's going to cost them for my livelihood. For the betterment of myself. Fuck it. I'm too... angry
Thursday, January 19, 2006
the mundane
Clint came and picked me up and we went to Fred Meyers, because we're skippers like that. Then we went to Taco Bell to eat, and then we went to school. I did a math test, then English and home and nuggle time. He said he'd rather I got him a different ring, but he decided to keep the one I got.
aggravation
Why am I not at school? Because I'm waiting for Clint to pick me up. Why does Clint have to come get me? Because my grandma 'needed' to take a pain pill. Because she's in so much 'pain.' Maybe she is, but she's so annoying with it, I don't care anymore. No one can honestly be in the most intense pain they can stand 24\7. Except, of course, my grandma. I guess some one must have bent the rules for her. She's so full of it. Everyone has pain, that's not it... most people don't give up and have their goal in life consisting of laying down not doing anything. Most people don't complain entirely constantly. It's not right. She's either complaining loud enough so the whole house is full of it, or she gets out of doing something - like grocery shopping (which we desperately need to have happen), birthday parties, BBQs, anything. If her pain is real, then still she deserves not so much pity. She'd be in pain anywhere, so she should just do what needs to be done. It makes me so mad! She zaps the life out of this house. And her mother is the same way, only worse. She just copies whatever my grandma says is hurting, it's so annoying.
On the bright side, I'm so happy that I'm with Clint. He's my savior of this home. Takes me away so I don't become drained like the rest of them. Old and shriveling - not less than willingly. Without him, I'd be devastated.
-Had to vent.
On the bright side, I'm so happy that I'm with Clint. He's my savior of this home. Takes me away so I don't become drained like the rest of them. Old and shriveling - not less than willingly. Without him, I'd be devastated.
-Had to vent.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
no matter what, I'm still a girl
I have a lot of thoughts and emotions and... yeah. Do I want to marry him though? Spend the rest of my life with him, never deeply loving any other? I love him... but, I've loved others, just not as deep. Maybe that's the point. I'm still tempted though, to truly discover. Then, talking to Tiffany, she told me that in setting myself free I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. Because I don't want to be free from Clint. I really don't at all. I just want some divine sign that tells me for sure. Some ringing flashing signal in the sky that tells me he's the one for me. But I don't think that sign will ever come. What if he's not right for me? He's so...*mind blanks* I'm an artist in my own fashion, my medium is words. Not so much in my journaling, but that's not the point. Due to that one artistic aspect, if you will, I consider myself an artist. I love every form of art ... music, theater, painting, dance, and writing of course. Be it novels, poems, short stories, lyrics, it doesn't matter. If a person can express themselves with words.... especially when no speaking takes place. When you write, an audience doesn't get to see your body language, your facial expressions. They can't hear the subtle intonation in your voice. Somehow, as a writer, all this must come through in other ways. Mainly through the connotation of your diction and the punctuation that is used. Anyway... Clint either doesn't care or doesn't appreciate or.. something. When I share of piece of writing he seems indifferent. I crave someone who would let whatever it was wash over them, and then could continue to have an intellectual conversation over the piece at hand. A simple, good or bad, I like it or I didn't... it kills me.
One of my dreams in life is to have the man that I love play on his guitar while singing to me. I guess I should say that it was a dream. I love Clint so much, but there's that something that's missing. That something is within him I think, and not our relationship. He's very... superficial is the only word that comes to mind, but it's not quite right. He can be deep... rarely, but it is possible. I don't know if I'll ever be able to find someone who can love me like he does. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to love anyone as much as I do Clint. Even with that I wonder. Still I question if we're meant for each other... forever. What I believe we need is a break. Some time apart. Set some boundaries as to what we do with other people and see what happens. Then when we both decide to get back together, we would. It would take me one day to decide everything I needed to decide. One Day . But, it would break Clint's heart if I mentioned it. And, even while I say I want a break, I know that in the end all I want is him. I say I'm not sure, because there could be someone out there.... or, rather, someone is making me wonder. Even though I want to be sure, even though I have an urge to solidify everything, I know - in my heart what the answer would be. I already know, still...
It's not that I'm bored of him. There's never a dull moment, I love being with him. More so, I feel too comfortable with him. Like we're settled down already. We see each other more than we don't and we can talk about anything. Showing him all of myself unhidden is nothing to me. I can be who I am. It's a wonderful, horrible thing. It means I don't have to worry if my hair or makeup are 'acceptable'. It means I don't have to worry if I'm not wearing flattering clothes. It also means that there's no newness, there are no butterflies in my stomach. I'm excited to see him, but it's different now. That sense of newness that is so wonderful, to never have that again? To never have another first kiss - never another song, first time...anything? To give that up already? I'm only seventeen. I was sixteen when we started dating, that seems to young to be done.
You could say that I'm lucky to have found 'the one' so early in my life. No club scene, no being lonely on a Friday night. I don't have to worry anymore. I'm so very conflicted! I still want to check out my other options... still want to test the waters. I don't understand myself! Obviously, if there's some doubt in my mind I shouldn't think of marrying him. Yes, each day I am so different - and each day the same. I wake up and Clint is the first thing I think of. How I want to hear his voice and I wish I could wake up beside him. Every time I see him I want to practically tackle him with hugs and kisses. I love every touch we share, every kiss, every tender moment. I couldn't imagine having that with anyone else. I could imagine a kiss with some one else...but not the more intimate things.
Maybe I could picture myself with someone else, but it wouldn't be right . Not like Clint is right for me. The more I work this through in my head, the more I think that Clint and I are meant for each other. Yet, somehow, the more I think that the more doubt enters. The vicious cycle. I could see being with someone else, but I could never marry some one else. That is the definite factor I suppose. It doesn't matter who else I dated, or loved, it would all -- everything, return to Clint. For in the end, I am him and he is me. We're opposites. Ying and Yang. I don't need some one like me... that's who I need as friends. Friends share the same ways you do. But the one you love, that's entirely different. The one you spend forever with can't be an addition of you, they must complete you. Clint completes me. Those who attract me to them, are more like me than they are not. Yet, that is not a strength in a relationship. There is strength in diversity. Strength in opposites. Through the laws of physics we find that opposites attract. North and south, positive and negative. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I'll reiterate once more... in love, in my soul mate, in my husband I don't need an addition, I need a completion. I believe that Clint completes me.
One of my dreams in life is to have the man that I love play on his guitar while singing to me. I guess I should say that it was a dream. I love Clint so much, but there's that something that's missing. That something is within him I think, and not our relationship. He's very... superficial is the only word that comes to mind, but it's not quite right. He can be deep... rarely, but it is possible. I don't know if I'll ever be able to find someone who can love me like he does. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to love anyone as much as I do Clint. Even with that I wonder. Still I question if we're meant for each other... forever. What I believe we need is a break. Some time apart. Set some boundaries as to what we do with other people and see what happens. Then when we both decide to get back together, we would. It would take me one day to decide everything I needed to decide. One Day . But, it would break Clint's heart if I mentioned it. And, even while I say I want a break, I know that in the end all I want is him. I say I'm not sure, because there could be someone out there.... or, rather, someone is making me wonder. Even though I want to be sure, even though I have an urge to solidify everything, I know - in my heart what the answer would be. I already know, still...
It's not that I'm bored of him. There's never a dull moment, I love being with him. More so, I feel too comfortable with him. Like we're settled down already. We see each other more than we don't and we can talk about anything. Showing him all of myself unhidden is nothing to me. I can be who I am. It's a wonderful, horrible thing. It means I don't have to worry if my hair or makeup are 'acceptable'. It means I don't have to worry if I'm not wearing flattering clothes. It also means that there's no newness, there are no butterflies in my stomach. I'm excited to see him, but it's different now. That sense of newness that is so wonderful, to never have that again? To never have another first kiss - never another song, first time...anything? To give that up already? I'm only seventeen. I was sixteen when we started dating, that seems to young to be done.
You could say that I'm lucky to have found 'the one' so early in my life. No club scene, no being lonely on a Friday night. I don't have to worry anymore. I'm so very conflicted! I still want to check out my other options... still want to test the waters. I don't understand myself! Obviously, if there's some doubt in my mind I shouldn't think of marrying him. Yes, each day I am so different - and each day the same. I wake up and Clint is the first thing I think of. How I want to hear his voice and I wish I could wake up beside him. Every time I see him I want to practically tackle him with hugs and kisses. I love every touch we share, every kiss, every tender moment. I couldn't imagine having that with anyone else. I could imagine a kiss with some one else...but not the more intimate things.
Maybe I could picture myself with someone else, but it wouldn't be right . Not like Clint is right for me. The more I work this through in my head, the more I think that Clint and I are meant for each other. Yet, somehow, the more I think that the more doubt enters. The vicious cycle. I could see being with someone else, but I could never marry some one else. That is the definite factor I suppose. It doesn't matter who else I dated, or loved, it would all -- everything, return to Clint. For in the end, I am him and he is me. We're opposites. Ying and Yang. I don't need some one like me... that's who I need as friends. Friends share the same ways you do. But the one you love, that's entirely different. The one you spend forever with can't be an addition of you, they must complete you. Clint completes me. Those who attract me to them, are more like me than they are not. Yet, that is not a strength in a relationship. There is strength in diversity. Strength in opposites. Through the laws of physics we find that opposites attract. North and south, positive and negative. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I'll reiterate once more... in love, in my soul mate, in my husband I don't need an addition, I need a completion. I believe that Clint completes me.
Monday, January 16, 2006
I can be to the point
Woke up. Talked to Clint. Showered. Finished English. Bought lighter. Got Bio book from Brit's. Did bio homework. Gave Clint blow job. Gave Brit's book back. Went and smoked pot. The lighter sucked. Got new lighter. Got stoned. Got munchies. Myspace and e-mail. Brittany, Gabe, and Sam. Interesting. Post bulletin. Check on Clint's ring. Won't let me. E-mail customer service. Offline. Short and to the point journal entry. Bathroom. Drink water. Try to sleep. The end.
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