Ramblings

He walks in front of me, this boy I do not know. His cigarette smoke fills my lungs with a sickly sweet feeling. I cross the pavement into the lot of metal beasts that kill the Earth one revolution at a time. I cross the threshold of the building I've been entering every day for nearly a year and a half. It is empty here.
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"I know it's often difficult for me to be able to discern the sensation of the love that I feel for you as a friend and that as a lover. I think I may have finally managed to coordinate some control over that recently and though I'm sometimes left wondering..." I'm not sure how I could interpret that any way other than how I did. If you can't discern the difference... if you still are left wondering... Le sigh.

Despite my better notions, I believe it when you tell me sweet words I long to hear. Despite my bitter heart, I have some hope. Despite my broken faith I am jumping off these cliffs. You said something last night, trying to analyze my feelings - notice how I did not disagree, but I did not admit it either. Give me time to know, give me time to figure out if I can let my heart jump off the same cliffs my behaviors have. Give my behaviors time to match the longing that I feel. Time. Patience is something which you pretend to have, but secretly lack I think. I'm not sure, you have been more patient than I expected someone of your gender disposition to be. This leaves me puzzled and confused. You are patient, but you seem to get massive enjoyment from pushing the boundaries I have set for myself. Not that I have too many objections.
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I am living in your space, I am breathing in this, your city daily. I man with a giant pink flower in his hand comments on the loveliness of the city. Yes, I agree, this is a fine city indeed. I wish you were here to enjoy it with me. To taste the night, to walk the street, to speak with strangers who carry flowers in upturned palms. I hope that in your new space you are happy, content for the moment. I navigate the city by the lighted dome of your building. Each turn, each exhale reminds me that you will not be just an elevator ride away.
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School is somehow confusing me more than I ever thought possible. I read these online pages and have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. I will reread them later to try and pass so I can move on in this jungle of chaos in a relatively organized fashion. I do my best to stay on track, but faltering is so very easy to do. I know that I would have no qualms if the world stopped its madness and paused. I like this moment of life I am in - I don't want it to change. I love my job, my friends, the apartment, my plan "W," and yes, you as well.
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I've been thinking a lot lately about the consequence of everyone's actions upon the world, along the notions of the butterfly effect. Did me taking the third MAX somehow alter the course of everyone's lives? Did the man with the flower find the person it was intended for, or was it merely for his own personal satisfaction? Did the boy in front of me, smoking his cigarette and trying to exude a devil may care attitude, change the fate of the world? How many lives have you touched? Continue to touch every day? Will touch in the future? Countless. I like to think that some impact is made between every single interaction you've ever had with anyone in your life. That you impact everyone you meet, see, touch, talk with, pass by. If you kiss someone, if you lock eyes with a stranger and smile, if you amuse a passerby, if you hold the elevator door, if you share a bit of wisdom with someone eavesdropping on your conversation - is their life changed? Will they become different, better, altered, due to their mere seconds in your presence? Will you?
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Yes, this blog is long. No, it may not make sense. I've taken to plan W and I suppose that comes with lack of proper organizational tools. It comes with smoking, drinking, and breathing Nitrous Oxide all night as well. In addition, it is the moments on the futon watching silly cartoons and eating food off of an ironing board. It comes with feeling your heart beat next to mine, tasting your skin, and moments of pure exhilaration. It comes with cart food, and walking in the rain. Jumping into pools of freezing water, and feeling the salt of the ocean in San Diego. It comes with delicious breakfasts at Portland locales, and getting lost in the city. There's also an awesome little apartment in a great spot in town, and aluminum foil squirrels. There's driving for more hours than I'd like to recall, and getting amazing pizza at a local joint while watching you play DDR. Losing track of days, moments, reality, and time. There's so much from living I never thought would happen, I'd never thought I'd be where I am, with who I'm with. You say you need a plan, order, sequential sequences labeled and defined - look what we've done without them.