Discernment of Now

Ah, if only I could kiss and tell. Well, that was probably more information already than most of you would like to hear - so we'll leave it at that very open ended statement.

I have been a mindless drone to the world of Pixie Hollow for so long. I spent all day, ten hours, typing things and doing things and questing and such. That and reading LeastICouldDo.com obsessively. I'm only in 2006 so, it's gonna be a while until I'm caught up - which it's updated daily so... yeah, it's going to be a while.

I am thrilled to have my two angels Kitty and Merrick with me once more. Their antics and personalities are so dissonant and functional and amusing.

I am at a place in my life that I shouldn't be at society wise for like five months, but for the moment at least - I don't mind. No, it's not that I don't mind - it's that I am (dare I say?) happy. There, I said it. Happy. Perhaps that fleeting happiness you get from a sunny day - perhaps the happiness you get from something more real. I haven't fully determined the level of that happiness yet - or figured out if it will turn into joy.

Speaking of which, there was a sermon a pastor gave many years ago upon the differences between happiness and joy - saying the Joy can only come from God whereas happiness is something which is conditional to your surroundings. This is true I think, to an extent. I do believe that joy is something which is very much so internalized as a pure state of mind and can persist through depressing moments. I don't know if it has to come from God or not - although his presence is something which definitely makes the world seem a little less ... bleak and hopeless? Less like a hunk of rock hurtling through space and time at thousands of miles an hour and more like a planet with purpose. Do we have a purpose? I've been told our purpose is to live and die. That my purpose is make this putrid planet even worse. That my purpose is to love. That my purpose is to serve my God and show him to the world. I don't know what our purpose is here - no one does.

I know that what my father told me was not true. I do deserve to be loved. Better yet, I am - I was, I will be. By friends, by lovers, by God eternally, maybe by you. In...some sappy movie I can't remember which and am too lazy to Google 'the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.' I think that love is multifaceted, multidimensional, and forever. If I love you today, I'll love you tomorrow, I'll love you in a month, a year, a decade. I will never stop. Whether I love you now as a friend, a family member, a lover - and later only as a memory it will still be love.

I like to claim my independence, yet I am dependent upon all of you. For my sanity, for my happiness, for my livelihood. I like to think I am in control, but my heart tends to drag me as it wishes. Or my bodily desires, whichever the case may be.

It's going to be in the seventies Sun/Mon and sunny. I long to wander the streets. Join me?
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The flame dances on the wall as the shadows of my soul play tricks. The sweet smell fills this space as my heart begins to beat. Breathing in and out manually. Wonder what you're thinking. Wonder how many tabs are open in the browser of your mind. Wander down my own paths built around synapses of my mind. Firing electrical charges. Like those between your fingers and my skin. Spin, twirl, fall. Fall into....we're finding out a day at a time.