So I've come to a resolution that I need to write daily, or as close to it as I can. With all the stress that I've been under lately it'd by good to clear my head with some words on a page. So, here's today...
Brittany's sister sent me a text to let me know that Brittany was in town, which is always a great surprise. John and I went to try and get food stamps and got an appointment for 1:30 on Monday. Even if food stamps covers the entire cost of our food monthly, ~$300, we're still looking at needing an additional 500 to make ends meet. Where this is going to come from, I'm not entirely sure. I feel like I've been a drag to the world around me because of the money situation. There is hardly ever good news to report, and I have to turn down so many things. I want to go into Portland, walk the water, soak in Saturday Market – but I don't have the money to even buy Max tickets. Of course I could always free ride like I did as a kid, but they've kind of upped the...patrols or what have you these days.
John and I went to hang out with Brittany, good just to...hang out with someone, you know? Someone who understands me, and reasons with me and … is me. A little, tiny me. I felt extremely bad for John though. I mean there we were reminiscing and what have you and he's completely and utterly lost. He doesn't know the places or people we're talking about. Oaks Park, the Zoo...you know the past experiences Brittany and I have. We've known each other since the sixth grade, and here I am finishing the 14th, well... technically it's year 15. So...that's 9 years, more than. History. John went..somewhere with Zach and Brittany and I were talking and such. I showed her a picture on John's phone and then we scrolled through the rest and I made some snarky comment about how I must be looking at some other directory than the one John scrolls through because there's no Emily. I posted something in the online format about her sending John inappropriate messages and such and Brittany asked about it. John's said over and over that I'm more than welcome to look at anything so I brought up the texts between them to show to her – as I've seen them per John before....no big deal. Well apparently although he just dismissed the messages with me present, he replied to them later. So there's these replies with him telling her he loves her, and is glad that his belongings bring her comfort and that fucking retarded only on tuesdays bullshit. So there I am completely and utterly embarrassed, because I'm supposed to be showing my best friend how fucked up his ex-girlfriend is and why I am having these issues and instead I'm having to show her my boyfriend, who's supposed to be all about me and not someone else...being about someone else. If she wasn't in Virginia I think that I would have left. . . or, something. As is, I just talked to Brittany about it to get her perspective. She calmed me down a little bit, but did agree that it's kind of fucked up. So I talked to him about it. Again. For the I don't know how many times we've had this conversation. You don't lead on your ex-girlfriend, you don't tell her you love her, you don't recite former pet names or sayings. You just don't! He just kind of went, oh.... As much as I love him, I can't deal with it. I want him to want me, and no other. If he still has feelings for her I can't be with him. If he's going to lead her on like he has feelings for her, I can't...I won't....
I don't know how I ever thought about marrying Clint when I think about John. I feel like my future is with him, that as long as I have him everything will be... okay. I love him completely and more than anyone else in my life, past or present. That being said, I don't think he feels the same about me. I shouldn't expect him to really – it's been such a short time since we got together really, but still.... I mean I'm fairly certain that he's had loves in the past that he feels stronger about than this one. That he'd be married to any number of his exes up until this point if not for errors on their parts. I feel like, with me...he's settling. That I'm good enough, I fill that spot that he needs to have filled for the moment. So he'll cloud my head with these notions of future life together and such until he finds someone better. I hope that in time I'll become the love of his life. That I will mean to him what he means to me. That he won't tell anyone he loves them but me, that he can give up his past and truly devote himself to me. I can see myself married to him, a couple kids and such running around and all the happiness and joy that two people could ask for. I don't know if he understands how much I care for him. I want him to be happy. If that means being happy with someone else, than it does. I pray every night that God takes the pain he has away from him, even if it means giving it to me. I would take everything he feels wrong in his life unto myself. That sounds... something, but you know what, at this point I'm done trying to fit into someone's mold of normal societal existence. I don't think John really wants to let me in. Either he can't or won't trust me, or he is ashamed...or ...something. Whenever I ask him questions he gives me vague answers, or will just say 'something' and/or 'stuff' when I probe more. And I'm not just going to force it, you know? I'm not going to be like “Have you ever killed someone?” or “Tell me everything in detail about that...program or whatever you were in..you know the tattoo and all that.” I don't work like that. So I'll piece the puzzle together one tiny tiny piece at a time, or I'll lose the first pieces as the new ones come in and be completely and utterly lost. Who knows. I suppose, it doesn't matter anyway. It's more curiosity than actual need. His responses could be anything and I'd still love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. That being said, I'd still like to be trusted enough for a straight up blunt answer to be given no beating around the bush..
Le sigh. I don't think we'll ever be content unless we both completely stopped talking to our exes. Oh, wait, I've done that. He hasn't. Hm, what a surprise. So yeah, I'm pissed, and I'm bitter, and I'm utterly crushed. I still love him, I still want him by my side until I take my final breath, and after...it's just...it's hard. Food time now....
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