I'll blog for the hell of it

Wow do I feel like poo.

Yes, that's my eloquent introduction. It's my realizing that I can't write anymore, that everything poetic in the world of prose has been completely ripped from my unyielding hands and deposited into the greater space of the world. The gifts I once held are being drained from me, even if ever so slowly. I hardly have the energy for anything but work anymore. As the sales are driven higher, the work becomes harder and more chaotic. It is better than doing nothing, though.... I think.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today I arise at an hour past noon, after dreaming that John was a vampire. He rescued my brother, he took me on the hunt. He was Lestat powerful, we flew around the world. The early morning sun did not harm him, and we watched the sunrise with love in our eyes. He worked during the daylight hours - at some place. I think in my dream it was Fry's actually. When it was dark, the night was ours. In the dream he accidentally killed a coworkers grandmother. He didn't accidentally kill her, but rather chose the wrong person. She was elderly, and sitting in the arm chair in a mansion of sorts, nodding off. Her white cat was curled up on her chest, and was indulging herself on her master's blood given forth from a small abrasion of her flesh.

I woke up as vampire John and I were swinging at a park watching the world around us turn from black, to grey, to pink and blue. The coworker was on his way to work and found his grandmother. He left us, crying. John decided to skip work and grab a plane to somewhere fun. I joined him.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life has been sort of hodge-podge of craziness lately. Wedding planning, identity crises, working. I'm in a whirlwind and having trouble getting out. I cannot wait until Friday (first day of my weekend). Thursday will be my sixth day working straight. Lame.

I asked John if he wanted Emily to come to the wedding. He wasn't sure, and thought that he shouldn't even tell her he was getting married. I told him it would be a bigger slap in the face to not tell her and have her find out later that he went and got married and didn't even mention anything to his best friend...or someone who once filled those shoes. Well he did call her, and I think he was just a big pile of awkward. Which makes me wonder... why was it such a big deal for him to let her know?

it's all matters of perception

I think that John and I may be finally over this ever persistent issue. Yes, I do believe that he is wrong in his logic and reasoning in the matter. However, because in his mind he did not choose something over me, then he didn't. Which is what was really bothering me more than anything else anyway. Yes, I was right. Yes, Emily was and seeming is still in love with him. She's also across the country and doing her best to get on with her own affairs. I don't think that she knows how John and I actually came together, or that there was no infidelity. He didn't even kiss me until the day she was supposed to be going back to Virginia, and we had planned our first date for afterwards. However, she didn't end up leaving for Virginia until we were officially a couple...but that's not really the faults of either of us.

I don't know why it concerns me so much anyway, how she feels or what she perceives. I can only think that the Clint situation made it as such. In a way, although not as horribly, she is me and I am Jaime and John is Clint. Although, I promoted their relationship, and tried to keep John and Emily together. And, John and I didn't have sex until a couple weeks after we had returned from our trip to California...which began after Emily was already back in Virginia. Regardless, the emotional-ness was there, and that's what's most important anyway - especially for her I would imagine as she cheated on John with multiple people on numerous occasions. Anyway...

We came down to the conclusion that John does not perceive the world as the vast and wide majority of people do, and that if I am to be with him I will have to realize that. He also gave some insight to my prior explanation of him not being happy in the relationship and lacking in that once held spark. He stated it as "I'm not going to give you fireworks if you're just going to blow yourself up." He was worried about the continuing fighting as I was, but rather than put more into the relationship because of it he was becoming withdrawn and assuming that I wanted things to end.

There's a real communication issue between John and I, and it's not that we don't communicate. We actually both are fairly open with each other (in matters of the relationship we are in at least) and so by normalcy there shouldn't be any problems. However, we both seem to speak completely separate languages, or at least two opposing dialects. His perception of what truth, love, and humanity are are completely different from anything I've ever heard of. Which leads me to utter confusion. If the great thinkers of history (Plato, Aristotle, etc.) and modern thinkers, and anyone I've ever met or read or heard of all think one way, how am I supposed to come to terms with someone who thinks entirely different? I don't know exactly, but I am working on it. In most matters this difference is refreshing and thought provoking, however, in matters of what he perceives a lie to be - not telling someone you love them if you do, and what love is -- the act of not telling them would require a complete emotional shutdown... well, this leaves me perplexed. I understand it in the most simple terms. If someone says they love you, and you reply I don't you..that's a lie if you love them. However, if someone says they love you, and you reply with... nothing, or continue the conversation, or thank you, or aaww you're sweet or something I don't see that as a lie.

Regardless, I think we realized that we are each totally and one hundred percent right with the contexts we are able to understand and that we live our lives in. So, there isn't really an issue anymore. That being said, it would make my life much easier if he never told her he loved her again, or if he decided that she's not worth any trouble and just didn't contact her at all. I think that if I were to ever hear him say he loved her, or see it in writing to her... I would have a major internalized struggle. For, I do realize his perception and how he understands the situation, but that does not mean that I at all agree. In contexts I can understand, he is completely mistaken on the matter and it should never have been an issue. Oh well. We will either realize the differing perspectives and be okay with that as we are now, or (the better of the two) come to a compromise of perspectives naturally as we grow together.

In other news... OnPoint put an insurance policy on the Mazda themselves, so if they can take a look at the car then they'll possibly cover all of the loan minus 500 deductible. Also, if Clint and a notary sign something saying he was responsible for insurance and operating costs of the vehicle then my license won't be suspended. Hurray, right? Well, generally you would think so. However, Clint is being less than helpful so... I don't know. My next step is to contact an authoritative figure in his life and see what happens I suppose...

I'm fucked

My sleep schedule was totally fixed until I got bored and laid down with John. Boo! Oh well, not like there's anything needing me to have normalcy anyway.

Merrick is, like, damn near without a doubt male. Which leaves me kind of confused as to what to do. She'll always be a she. Well, those balls are getting chopped off eventually, so it'll be close enough. Do male cats have a kind of heat though, because she was obsessed with the licking and I just assumed she was cleaning up after the blood stuff from heat.

Clint is possibly the official worst ex of all time. The car we bought together for him was totaled. Not too terribly big of a deal normally. However, Clint didn't pay his insurance so was not covered. So, because of this and the fact that I am the primary on the car my license will be suspended as of July 24th. In addition to this, the insurance isn't going to be paying off the car loan, and it doesn't appear that Clint is either. I received something in the mail saying that there was a back due amount of 450 something and that they were reporting to the credit agencies. So, I'll have a suspended license, bad credit, and an $18,000+ debt which there is no way I can pay. To top it off I had to cover the last month I had my name on the electric policy for Clint because he neglected to do so, that's another $80, and I left the Internet on in his apartment in my name and he hasn't paid me for that yet which is another $105 in total. So basically the dick owes me $18,185 and then some. I have no idea how to proceed as he is neglecting to return or answer any of my contact attempts. Looks like I'm going to have to take him to court. Oh, joy. I'm not really sure how to proceed with this matter and am not sure that I would win in court because my name is the primary.

Apparently Emily sent John a super angry e-mail saying she hated him and never wanted to talk to him again a while ago. I am confused as to why John didn't tell me until now, but...eh. I am also ridiculously curious as to what she said, but even more so as to what his reply was. Knowing John, it was something gentle, kind, and comforting and she'll forget all the anger that she didn't really have any reason to be in the first place. However, if this time she's really finally gone from the picture then we can maybe move on. Although, again, these decisions being hers are not boding well for my opinion of John himself, which in turn negatively affects the relationship. I'm not going to ask to see it, as that would be overstepping the line I assume.

So I'm broke because I have no job, but things were starting to look up because John is going to start getting UI and we got food stamps and such. However, things can't be good apparently so now Clint has to take a shit on any happiness and joy I may have been able to achieve.

In short, Fuck My Life. Anyone know an awesome lawyer who wants to do a little pro bono work?

Emotional infidelity and impasses

Well, here we are. I offered the bit of realization that we won't ever be content unless we stop talking to our exes to John and he refused. Not before trying to barter with other people in my life of course. I came to him and said that I wanted to make a deal – I stop all communication beyond necessity with Clint if he returned the favor with Emily. He told me that it wasn't a deal because he didn't care about Clint. Of course this made me want to explode with anger, call Clint and go out with him to dinner or something, because as much as John would like to say Clint doesn't bother him, I know otherwise. Rather than John taking that as an obvious sign of my distress he instead tried to tell me he'd cut Emily out if I cut out Shawnta, or Danielle. I guess I should have made that deal with Danielle since I haven't talked to her in ages and doubt I will. Some ties were stronger to the workplace than to the people I suppose, as much as I enjoy her company. Well, I suppose the communication between them existing wasn't really the problem anyway, not nearly as much as the type. So, I pleaded with him that he should keep talking with her, they are friends after all, but to keep the topics and such to a friendly and platonic level. Which, apparently is impossible between them – but I was trying. Anyway, he completely refuses. Not only does he completely refuse, but he makes up some bullshit about how if he never said he loved her than he'd be lying, and I don't want to date a liar, do I? So we counter back and forth and reach this complete impasse. I don't want him to say he loves her because he shouldn't express that love for an ex, even if he loves her more than myself. He refuses to stop saying he loves her because he feels it would be lying if she said she loved him and he ignored it. To me, this seems like the biggest fallacy I've ever heard of. You can love someone all you like and not tell them, it doesn't mean that you are lying. The level of inappropriateness between the two of them coupled with his fortitude and resolve to stand his ground to continue the level of such – hurt more than I think he'll ever know. Instead of talking with me about the situation, he turns to her. What. A. Surprise. So while I'm trying to converse with him about our issues, he's texting her. Which, based on the level of conversation that we were having was... oh I don't know, the worst thing he could have possibly done. After a bit, I leave the room astonished and hurt beyond all reason that he'd continue to do so. I'm sitting there, laying or whichever, crying and pouring my heart out to him and he's texting her. So I leave, go sit in the living room, pet Kitty and converse with him about the situation. So yes, I'm a crazy cat lady to an extent I suppose, but it helps to talk out loud to someone who can't break your heart. After a while I'm just sitting there brewing and getting worse and worse in my own mind so I go back into the bedroom and express this to John who kind of angrily says 'don't worry that was the last message I'm going to send.' So in my mind I'm thinking, thank goodness, it's over. I don't have to worry about all the insecurities, I don't have to worry about my boyfriend whom I love deeper and more than anyone ever before telling his ex girlfriend that he loves her –or telling her anything at all. I don't have to worry about every time we get in a fight or disagreement him running to her like he had been. Thank goodness, right? Yeah... I was wrong. I suppose that when things occur that seem beneficial to you, you should probably be skeptical, right? Because no one will ever love you. No one will ever truly put you above all others. No one will ever really be that rock you need to hold you up and never let you fall. I guess, sometime you just need to grow up and realize that nothing will ever be like it is in fairy-tales and movies. Well, in my naiveté I thought that it was. So I continued the night as such, and we had some good conversation about his school days and fights and things. Eventually I expressed to him how much he means to me. . . and he ignored it. So, according to his prior beliefs, that would mean he didn't feel the same. So there I am, heartbroken again. At least this time it's over something – which though devastating – is reasonable. At that point, it hadn't even been three months, so me telling him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and that I've never been more in love with anyone as I am with him and that he completes me or whatever, well, it could be too much to take in. So, I let it go and we go to sleep. The next day, we're watching a movie and I start to come on to him and he asks me what's up, what made me happy? So I tell him that since we don't have to worry about any of our past issues that we can move forward and be happy together. So he's confused and we realize the misunderstanding and the argument heats up once more. Eventually I give him an ultimatum, not one saying to choose me or her, or that she goes or I do... no, I would have lost him completely and utterly had I made that my stand. The stand I choose was me or telling her he loves her. I lost that stand. I've been hurt before, by … damn near everyone I've ever met I've been hurt. Perhaps I'm too sensitive and fragile, perhaps the world is simply full of fools, perhaps I have poor taste in guys or friends, or family. No one has ever picked something so trivial over me. My mom picked my dad over me, Jack picked Caitlin over me, Clint picked Jaime over me...and now, now I wasn't getting second place to a person even, I mean yes --- but not in the strictest sense. I was simply being added to the list of someone else's wants and desires, but not in first place where I longed to be. He quoted his morals, his core values of honesty. The bullshit that he still sticks to. Saying that when someone says they love you, they mean it as a question of “Do you love me?” So that not responding with yes, I love you too, would be to say no, I do not. Well, if it helps him sleep at night he can tell himself whatever crackpot of bullshit he likes, but.... let's carry on, shall we? I was crushed beyond crushing, broken beyond anything. I had made me stand, and figured odds were in my favor. After all the bull he'd fed me about me being his primary, the one for him, perfect, how he loved me so much – all of it pointless and nullified. Yet, in my own stubbornness and devotion to him, I couldn't keep up with my threats just then. I couldn't stand to have our relationship fail. I didn't know what to do, or where to turn. I thought of everything I could, every plea I could contrive, the multiple perspectives of the scenario all leading to one thing (assuming he'd been honest with me, that is) of him saying okay to my request. I begged with all my might, and still he remained resolute. I was further devastated by my own lack of control and poise in combination by continuous refusals by the man I love. I contacted Emily, explaining the situation and hoping that she would understand. Well, whether she did or not, she not only said she'd stop with the more than platonic affections, but that she'd drop out of his, our, life completely. Not at all what I wanted, but the best I could get I suppose. I was ridiculously disappointed at costing him a friend, but thought that at least our problems were solved.

Except that... it's not solved. It's like... a band aid for a bullet wound. Well, maybe like... some gauze and tape, but no stitches... oh I'm not good at metaphors apparently, but it's like this. . . The cause of our issues is gone, yes, but he should have wanted it to be gone. He shouldn't have been telling his ex that he loved her in the first place – not once I was his girlfriend at least. As he was, my request should have been met and complied with instantaneously, without qualms or fights. It should have gone like this... “Okay, I have a deal, I cut Clint completely out of my life, and you do the same for Emily.” “Well, I will if you want – but I'd rather not.” “Okay, well, at least don't tell you that you love her anymore?” “That I can do.” “Thank you.”

Or, something more poetic like... or not, but whatever. The gist of it is there. Instead there's this lingering in the back of my mind. Rather than rid me of insecurities as was the 'plan' I'm riddled with more now than before. When I don't ponder and reflect, everything is wonderful. He is and will remain the love of my life and the one I want to be with. He's still the same sweet, funny, considerate, amazing person as he was before and my love for him is unaffected by his transgressions against our relationship. I feel my heart overflow when I look at him, I long for the touch of his skin and would gladly spend the rest of my life with him in commitment today if I knew he felt the same for me as I do for him. The day that he feels like I am his best friend, the only lover he'll ever need, the light of his life, the person he loves above all others past and present and someone that completes his world...that will be the day I will walk with him into the courthouse and sign all the documents to make it official. Of course, I'd much rather have him just propose on the day he realizes that I am these things to him and, like, actually do it proper style --- or as proper as I can manage. I'm beginning to realize that some traditions just won't hold for me. Would it be so wrong for John and I to walk each other down the aisle? Probably. Eh, whatever. Well, we've pretty much been doing the same ol' same. No jobs, no money, no prospects in life. Living off of faith and love and trying to survive. Everything would be perfect between us, except for the lingering doubt I have because he wouldn't not tell her he loves her. If he had agreed when I asked, I'm not sure if anything would outwardly be different than it is now...but inwardly, very much so. I wouldn't doubt that he loves me above all other lovers he's been with, or people he meets. I feel like I will never be good enough for him. That he will always hold on to past relationships for comparison, and that I may meet them, but will never beat them. I feel like I will never be the person he can say he loved more than any other person he'd ever met. I will never be the person that swept him off his feet and kept him there like others failed to do.

What's worse, I think, than that? I know this, that I will never be more in his mind than any past love, and still as long as he considered me his best friend and would remain faithful to me – I'd still marry him. Even though that would mean that his soul mate is still out there somewhere, even if it kept him from ever meeting her. While in most cases I wish John the best, and would give up my own happiness to make him happy – on this point I am sure I would fail in my moral resolve. To keep him in my life I would forsake him the love of his. That sounds ridiculously messed up now that I've written it down, but...that's just how it is.

So, while I do not forgive him – I do my best to forget. Maybe someday I will forgive him. The more probable case is I simply stop caring about Emily and that he chose her, because he has been with me long enough for it to be mute. That isn't now, and I don't think it will be soon, but I do think that it will be someday. I hope I can forget how he made me feel, that he broke my heart while swearing to protect it. I hope I can forget how he told me that he will be mine as long as I want nothing and no one more than him – and was a hypocrite to his own beliefs. Where's the moral code in that? I'd give up a lot of interactions with others, regardless of how I felt about them rather than be a hypocrite like that on a matter of utmost importance to the person I was supposed to be dedicated to.

There I go again. Raw wounds still, though time has passed enough for him to have forgotten. I hope they do not remain raw too much longer, for they pain me so.

I wish that tuesday just wasn't.

So I've come to a resolution that I need to write daily, or as close to it as I can. With all the stress that I've been under lately it'd by good to clear my head with some words on a page. So, here's today...

Brittany's sister sent me a text to let me know that Brittany was in town, which is always a great surprise. John and I went to try and get food stamps and got an appointment for 1:30 on Monday. Even if food stamps covers the entire cost of our food monthly, ~$300, we're still looking at needing an additional 500 to make ends meet. Where this is going to come from, I'm not entirely sure. I feel like I've been a drag to the world around me because of the money situation. There is hardly ever good news to report, and I have to turn down so many things. I want to go into Portland, walk the water, soak in Saturday Market – but I don't have the money to even buy Max tickets. Of course I could always free ride like I did as a kid, but they've kind of upped the...patrols or what have you these days.

John and I went to hang out with Brittany, good just to...hang out with someone, you know? Someone who understands me, and reasons with me and … is me. A little, tiny me. I felt extremely bad for John though. I mean there we were reminiscing and what have you and he's completely and utterly lost. He doesn't know the places or people we're talking about. Oaks Park, the Zoo...you know the past experiences Brittany and I have. We've known each other since the sixth grade, and here I am finishing the 14th, well... technically it's year 15. So...that's 9 years, more than. History. John went..somewhere with Zach and Brittany and I were talking and such. I showed her a picture on John's phone and then we scrolled through the rest and I made some snarky comment about how I must be looking at some other directory than the one John scrolls through because there's no Emily. I posted something in the online format about her sending John inappropriate messages and such and Brittany asked about it. John's said over and over that I'm more than welcome to look at anything so I brought up the texts between them to show to her – as I've seen them per John before....no big deal. Well apparently although he just dismissed the messages with me present, he replied to them later. So there's these replies with him telling her he loves her, and is glad that his belongings bring her comfort and that fucking retarded only on tuesdays bullshit. So there I am completely and utterly embarrassed, because I'm supposed to be showing my best friend how fucked up his ex-girlfriend is and why I am having these issues and instead I'm having to show her my boyfriend, who's supposed to be all about me and not someone else...being about someone else. If she wasn't in Virginia I think that I would have left. . . or, something. As is, I just talked to Brittany about it to get her perspective. She calmed me down a little bit, but did agree that it's kind of fucked up. So I talked to him about it. Again. For the I don't know how many times we've had this conversation. You don't lead on your ex-girlfriend, you don't tell her you love her, you don't recite former pet names or sayings. You just don't! He just kind of went, oh.... As much as I love him, I can't deal with it. I want him to want me, and no other. If he still has feelings for her I can't be with him. If he's going to lead her on like he has feelings for her, I can't...I won't....

I don't know how I ever thought about marrying Clint when I think about John. I feel like my future is with him, that as long as I have him everything will be... okay. I love him completely and more than anyone else in my life, past or present. That being said, I don't think he feels the same about me. I shouldn't expect him to really – it's been such a short time since we got together really, but still.... I mean I'm fairly certain that he's had loves in the past that he feels stronger about than this one. That he'd be married to any number of his exes up until this point if not for errors on their parts. I feel like, with me...he's settling. That I'm good enough, I fill that spot that he needs to have filled for the moment. So he'll cloud my head with these notions of future life together and such until he finds someone better. I hope that in time I'll become the love of his life. That I will mean to him what he means to me. That he won't tell anyone he loves them but me, that he can give up his past and truly devote himself to me. I can see myself married to him, a couple kids and such running around and all the happiness and joy that two people could ask for. I don't know if he understands how much I care for him. I want him to be happy. If that means being happy with someone else, than it does. I pray every night that God takes the pain he has away from him, even if it means giving it to me. I would take everything he feels wrong in his life unto myself. That sounds... something, but you know what, at this point I'm done trying to fit into someone's mold of normal societal existence. I don't think John really wants to let me in. Either he can't or won't trust me, or he is ashamed...or ...something. Whenever I ask him questions he gives me vague answers, or will just say 'something' and/or 'stuff' when I probe more. And I'm not just going to force it, you know? I'm not going to be like “Have you ever killed someone?” or “Tell me everything in detail about that...program or whatever you were in..you know the tattoo and all that.” I don't work like that. So I'll piece the puzzle together one tiny tiny piece at a time, or I'll lose the first pieces as the new ones come in and be completely and utterly lost. Who knows. I suppose, it doesn't matter anyway. It's more curiosity than actual need. His responses could be anything and I'd still love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. That being said, I'd still like to be trusted enough for a straight up blunt answer to be given no beating around the bush..

Le sigh. I don't think we'll ever be content unless we both completely stopped talking to our exes. Oh, wait, I've done that. He hasn't. Hm, what a surprise. So yeah, I'm pissed, and I'm bitter, and I'm utterly crushed. I still love him, I still want him by my side until I take my final breath, and after...it's just...it's hard. Food time now....

I'll try and keep this short

Short post. I hope.

I didn't mean to. Well, I did. I mean - I noticed that it was hyper linked... then I got curious. He says it was over this day - her perspective is... ooh like so not close. I knew that was the case. I don't know ... I thought that by getting some insight on her, that I'd get insight on him and his notions. Well... yeah, I did. Or didn't... I don't know. I know it was not the wisest move on my part and that I didn't need any confirmation that "sentiment" between them was running high.

I went into this saying if drama of any kind went down I'd bail. Well, based on prior postings between us - if you're smart you follow us both since all my posts are to/about him damn near - drama's kind of ensued. Is ensuing? I hope not. Can't we run away to a place where no one we know can ever reach us? Where cell towers don't exist and 'teh internets' hasn't been invented yet? Where money doesn't exist and you can mow a lawn or clean a stable for room and board? I am so over the top with emotion right now... a big dash of apathy would be lovely. Not yet?





How about now? No? Well... I guess that's your prerogative. I feel a sense of vertigo, I have goosebumps, I feel like I'm swimming through a cloudy world. Le Sigh. Oh well, I have faith that ... sometime, the sentiment between them will end and that sometime I'll live to my own standards... and that sometime we'll be lying on the beach or in a field, just enjoying each other and not have to worry about former loves or insecurities and we can just exist. No money worries, no fret. Yeah. That would be divine.

As Long As You're Mine, I'll take that jump

If it is human nature only, that doesn't make it any less confusing. How can you be so cold and then try to fall into place as my best friend again? I can't help but wonder if it is the realization that I've moved on. Maybe you envisioned me alone waiting for you patiently as I felt I would do. That's not the case, however. Yet... it was wonderful to hear your voice. The timber echoing with your laugh. It's a laugh I haven't heard in ages and it feels so right to be hearing it. Humans are creatures of sentiment - yes, I know. Honestly... fuck... I can't trust myself in the situations that I may have been put in. Main reason I didn't go. I don't know what I'd be capable of seeing through intuition and reading him in the situation. I don't know what I'd be able to avoid. Most of all... I don't know how I feel about him anymore.

I know that I cannot be with him. I want you and all that you are. I cannot imagine anything that I want more. There's still this part of me that has him as the person that I'll end up with. It's so fucked up and I can't even rationalize it. I can't even begin to think about it for I don't want to sit here and cry whilst pulling out my hair at work.

Did he just want a reaction? For me to be sitting here like I am. He knows me well enough to know that it wasn't going to happen. He knows me all too well. I suppose his guilt trips and eagerness affected me as he wanted.

I know now that you'll be worrying about everything. As I have faith in you, please keep your faith in me. Know that I will not lie to you or keep things hidden from you. Know that you can trust me to not falter from this. I've held you as mine for quite sometime, you've completely stolen my heart for your own. I am yours, as long as you'll have me I'll be no others in any respect. Please know that it is just my ... I don't know, sentiment? That's not even right... I have no idea what it is.

I know I love you so that it scares me. I don't want to get hurt and I know now that it's unavoidable. I've tried to keep myself detached as much as possible. Yes, that's beyond fucked up - but it's true. I've tried to make sure that I would be okay with you leaving, with us ending. I've tried to make sure that you wouldn't get into the inner chambers of my heart so that I could be safe from your nomad lifestyle and seemingly fleeting desires.

For someone to be your primary - you need the proximity of them and them not to push you away. The thing is, she never did. She may have wanted Virginia more, but she didn't push you away. She was willing to do what it took to keep you. So how on Earth can you say that she didn't want you? That she was done? The whole situation with her - the husband, the other girl the cheating and haphazardness of it all... it just is so fucked up I can't fathom it. Yet, you seem .... okay with it all.

This will be my biggest insecurity in this. You know it, whoever reads these stupid things knows it. It is not enough to keep from being with you, from wanting you as much as I do. However, it might make me reserved a bit more.

It felt so weird to tell him. . . Yes, I have a boyfriend. Yes, I love him. It was like a ... heat came over me and my stomach got this hollow feeling my heart sunk into. It doesn't make any sense! I hate myself. For everything. For not being strong enough to hold myself together, for having those fleeting thoughts, for letting you down, for not being like I should, for holding myself back, for not being what you need.

I realized that my 5..4.. I don't know year anniversary would have been three days ago. Had we had enough funds and things we would have been getting married... wow. Yeah, I don't know... I passed the day in an uneventful way, and without incident.

Can a heart have two parallel desires? I've argued no, I've argued yes. I told you no, it can't. Truth is, it might be possible. It'd be easier to tell if I knew what my parallel desires were.

Right now I only know that I want to be in your arms, I want to feel your hands wrapped around me, I want your lips on mine. I could spend an eternity staring into your eyes and drinking you in. I want you to tell me that I am yours and you are mine and that nothing and no one will ever come between that. I want that to be true. I wish that there wasn't that damned shadow lurking over every one of my actions. It's been there the whole time, and you mentioned you felt it too. What is it? Why is it? More importantly, how do we kill it? Do we just continue on our path, our way, and it will dissipate over time?

I'm glad that there's not any bugs coming in because I can't stop writing. Stopping might equal explosions of brain matter on the cubicle walls. The squitten sure would get a treat.

I want to read the letter you wrote. Although, perhaps you never will show it. You had it done only to revise. I can only imagine that another and another will be done. Perhaps because of this, perhaps not.

You know my insecurities... I found it so .. strange that you wanted to know so bad. Mayhap it was just you trying to get a full understanding of who I am. Knowing someone's weakness is a definite part of knowing them. I only know that you don't like the Willamette River. That enough dairy in a quick enough time has a chance of wrecking you. You have no insecurities about yourself. Not that you should, you're beautiful and amazing.

I don't deserve the person that you are and the potential person you will become. I don't. I am fickle, I am flighty, I am flaky and unkind. I try so hard to be a good person - but I'm not. I am nothing that I try to be, that I admire. I have faith in humanity, maybe this is my only saving grace. I guess I've fucked humanity over if your faith in us rested on me, huh? I feel self destructive and apathetic. In the same breath I feel like putting on my highest guard and hoping the waves of the world miss me because I'm bursting with my own emotions.

I want you. Just so you know. Just so you can't leave me thinking that I want something else more, that I don't really want you. I don't think you can since you say that you can't read me and all. Does that mean I get to keep you? I want to. I...
and then this song plays... okay... this song in context is what let me know that it was okay to go on a limb and be with you, love you. Just for this moment....

As Long As You're Mine

KISS ME TOO FIERCELY
HOLD ME TOO TIGHT
I NEED HELP BELIEVING
YOU'RE WITH ME TONIGHT
MY WILDEST DREAMINGS
COULD NOT FORESEE
LYING BESIDE YOU
WITH YOU WANTING ME

JUST FOR THIS MOMENT
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
I'VE LOST ALL RESISTANCE
AND CROSSED SOME BORDERLINE
AND IF IT TURNS OUT
IT'S OVER TOO FAST
I'LL MAKE EV'RY LAST MOMENT LAST
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE…

MAYBE I'M BRAINLESS
MAYBE I'M WISE
BUT YOU'VE GOT ME SEEING
THROUGH DIFFERENT EYES
SOMEHOW I'VE FALLEN
UNDER YOUR SPELL
AND SOMEHOW I'M FEELING
IT'S "UP" THAT I FELL ...

EVERY MOMENT
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
I'LL WAKE UP MY BODY
AND MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME...

SAY THERE'S NO FUTURE
FOR US AS A PAIR ...

AND THOUGH I MAY KNOW
I DON'T CARE …

JUST FOR THIS MOMENT
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
COME BE HOW YOU WANT TO
AND SEE HOW BRIGHT WE SHINE
BORROW THE MOONLIGHT
UNTIL IT IS THROUGH
AND KNOW I'LL BE HERE HOLDING YOU
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE...

A comment

"I want to share with you words of wisdom. Not because I'm her friend, or because I truly dislike him, but because I hope that in some way, my experience can help someone in this situation. I have been in your place, as I have hers. I was the selfish one who broke the bonds of a friendship, or a love, that I had no business being in. I have also been the one waiting at home crying myself to sleep over someone I loved more than I had ever loved anyone else in my life. The sad truth of that matter is, both cases were over the same guy. You may feel guilty now, horrible, yet oddly exhilarated, but in the end you will end up as she is now. Again, this isn't meant to be malicious towards you or him, but walk into whatever may come of you and him with the knowledge that he has done this before, and he is likely to do it again."

The sad thing of the matter is that I have been in both places as well. While I can't say I have had no part, I feel I have done my best to remain neutral. And I now understand the world better for being in this position. Had I not, I wouldn't be able to see the torment that Clint went through. When he told me he was hurt and struggling and loved me I didn't believe him. Now I know that he did, and was trying to end it the only way he knew how - and perhaps the only way there is. Instead of harboring an incessant hatred for him, I know that he provided me with the platform upon which I can now build. He was the wind beneath my wings, but I can still fly. Perhaps it will end poorly. Perhaps it will never start. All I know is that I am along for the ride.

I wish that this ride could have been a little less full of drama, but I truly believe everything happens for a reason. If I had never seen the other side of the situation I still would be in denial perhaps, and never would have understood the duality that exists in all people. I have not broken the bonds of anything, that much I can say. The bonds were crumbling and I tried to save them, I didn't want to see a friend go through what I had. I don't know how that friendship shifted or changed, but who am I to judge - it did. I do feel guilty, not for the relationship ending, since I played no part in that; but for the pain that she feels knowing I exist. I feel horrible because I know how she feels, and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I feel horrible because I wanted their, and all, relationships to succeed. I feel horrible that I developed these feelings too soon, rather than after he had ended it. It really doesn't matter in the end - everything plays out like it is supposed to. Everything is a learning experience.

I know that it hurts right now. That you feel like your world has no purpose, that you you feel you aren't who you thought you were. I struggled, a lot at first, with thoughts of suicide. I truly believed I was with the one I was supposed to be with for all time and that he was the only thing worth living for. I wouldn't let go of the relationship. I kept trying to figure out the why of it all. I lay in bed and didn't sleep, I would just cry. I couldn't eat, not without vomiting any way. In hindsight, however, I can see the erroneous flaws our relationship had. Love is blind. I thought that he was my soul mate. I didn't see the double standards, the capturing and containing, the mind games. No, it wasn't all bad, and some of our relationship was quite good. However, in the end it comes down to basic underlying tenants of loyalty, compatibility, trust, honesty, kindness, and love. Love means so much, but, as much as I'd like to believe it is not everything. If you aren't compatible in a relationship with one another, no matter how long it lasts it will not work out. If you don't feel like you can be honest with someone, trust them no matter what or where, it simply won't work out. If you don't have 100% loyalty to the other person: mind, body, heart, and soul - and if they don't reciprocate those feelings - it won't work out. There was a time when I thought love would conquer all. While without love there cannot be much, it is not the end all. 

I cannot think anymore on this - as I do have much homework to accomplish. I need to graduate in June to stay with my plans....whatever they'll happen to be when June rolls around. I am still maintaining my current philosophy of floating along this river and going wherever it takes me. Right now it is taking me in a direction that is difficult, but is soon to become better I think. I can't explain it in words exactly how I am feeling - language fails yet again. As my friend Randy said, if language could accurately portray the thoughts and feelings I am having - no one would disagree with me. That could sound highly egotistical, but I don't at all mean it that way.

Even though I should be sleeping

I know, I know, I should be sleeping. I shouldn't have gone out with my Asians. I should have done my homework, I should have found a way to stay awake. Well - yes all these things are true. However, I decided to play the selfish card and go get books and pizza.

I find it strange how he can make me forget. Forget that I have a five page paper due tomorrow night and a Biology test on Monday. Forget that she's waiting at home with a broken heart. Forget that my heart had ever been shattered. Forget that I'm self conscious, that I'm broken, that my baggage weighs a million pounds. Some of the forgetting I like, lost in conversation or the accidental touch of his hand. Some of the forgetting I forget that I need to remember. Delicate-ness. I can't believe I am 'that girl' or as I so eloquently stated when I was in her place; 'that fucking whore.'

I try to trick myself into thinking that somehow, because it's me - and I don't mean any harm - that it's different. Yeah, no. Just because there hasn't been a breech of physicality necessarily doesn't mean that emotional transgressions (usually worse) haven't taken place. It doesn't make it any better that if I could, I'd sacrifice whatever there might be brewing to make her not have to feel like I know she does.

I do understand a lot better the actions that transpired during my own epic and awful breakup. I hate him slightly less, perhaps. To be honest, I haven't really thought of him lately. I mean in a - that reminds me of that time when I, kind of way - yes, but not like...before. I know now that maybe he did really care and sat there confused and perplexed and saddened not knowing the right things to say to let me know that he still loved me but we were done. I don't know... it makes me feel marginally better to think that.

I love being a treasure troll. The fact that this came out of the duct work. I believe the expression is, is strange, but cool. Like Az being one of my bestest friends - who woulda thunk it? Not us, that's for sure -  but it works, I think. Perhaps this will work to, perhaps not. I might just crumple under the drama and second guessing myself and feeling like a whorish home wrecker. At the moment, I am having fun. I am going to ride with the current of life and let things slide into whatever place they see fit.

Because I don't feel like I should be sleeping

I'll post another rambling. I don't really feel like a whore exactly.... but there is a definite measure of guilt. I had completely forgotten about your ness and everything - and the fact that you were not supposed to spend the night as you did. I am completely selfish, and I am sorry. I thought of myself and that I didn't feel like driving, and the fact that I really wanted to spend the night as we did. Again, completely selfish. I am so confused and perplexed and amused and aggravated by everything. This could be so much simpler - however, it isn't. Perhaps, if it was, there wouldn't be anything there anyway. I don't know, and I'm not sure where all this stemmed from - maybe if I did it would be easier to nip it before any more damage can be done to your relationship with her. I feel so responsible for everything. I'm not even sure if you're still in a relationship with her, and, last night I didn't even care. Perhaps it was the vodka loosening my strong moral code to sort of a... brain fondue. I really wanted nothing more than the snuggles and kisses and such, and I didn't think that she was sitting there alone with her world falling apart. God, it really is an interesting point of view from this side of the fence. I'm not sure how to proceed from this point, if I should proceed, or if I should just push you away. I really don't want to, but it's not all about me. Selfishness may help you along the path of your own greed, but it doesn't help other people's lives and better humanity as a whole - which is my goal. I am so sorry for everything, and no I can't blame any one or any substance for my behavior. I honestly haven't felt this happy in a year or more, which sheds a lot of light on several different things. I know, that for the most part, you are to thank for this.

Not to mention my "fucking awesome" friends with their amazingness, I love all of you so much! However, my main perplexment is over above person, and we're working through it internet blogging style - so my gush for you will have to be put on hold - sorry darlings.

I'm not sure if it is all the subtle things you do that make me feel like I am awesome. The fact that you've somehow come into my life with like a crazy chop chop and cut away all the bindings that I didn't even know existed. The aggravating way you share just enough of yourself to keep my coming back to try and fill in the blanks. The fact that you've done and seen so much, or so it would seem and I can steal knowledge from you by proxy.

Hm. I definitely am fucking crazy. We're up to three times now, right? I shouldn't even be having these thoughts/feelings at all, should I? Fuck. Guess it doesn't matter - we've got a month left, and then never to see each other again, right?

Rawr!

I decide, fuck it, I'm not going to bury anything at all. Just free fall into a crisp pool of openness. Yeah, that didn't work. 

I have this very strong feeling she isn't going anywhere, and you're just pulling me into some sort of social experiment because you want to see how I'll react. I'm not sure if  this is my brokeness (as Az claims it to be) or reality. I wish I had the balls to ask you, but unfortunately I was born without that certain anatomical set.

Driving home I realized that I have a lot of stigmas regarding intimate physical relationships, and that one will probably be hard for me to accomplish. On the same note, I realize my extreme need for a close emotional relationship with someone.

Is it possible to have someone you bond with emotionally on an intense and nearly spiritual level, who also understands your physical hangups? I really would like there to be. Eh - probably not. Perhaps I am more broken than I thought.

It's just this concept of sex I don't understand. To me, it is the bonding of two souls, the ultimate expression of love. To guys, and just about every body else these days- it's merely this physical thing of "blowing a load" or whatever the case may be. I guess that religion thing seeped deep down into something somewhere. Or, again, more broken than I thought.

You say you can't tell who these are about? Really? Am I honestly that good at masking myself in layers of sweet enigma-ey goo? Covering myself in a flaky crust of vagueness? I didn't think so, but apparently I am. Or your extreme desire of them not to be about you masks the fact they are.

Wait, did I just say that?

Oops. I'm sorry.

I feel so off. That's kind of the only way to describe it.

Emo, depressed, conflicted, confused, dejected, and terrible are a few adjectives you could use. None of them quite fit, and there isn't a word in any language I know that does.

I wish that I had gotten to know her better so I can hug her like I know she needs. I feel so utterly responsible for the situation that she's in. I know that for the most part I'm not, but God it sure feels like I am.

The absence of her makes everything so much more -- open. I almost feel obligated now, to keep feeling the things that I felt. I honestly don't know if I am a she devil or not. Can I have feelings for someone one day, and none the next? It would appear that way. Did saying them out loud make them disappear? Was it realizing that I am one shallow mother fucker? I mean, I'm not so great myself - what right do I have to judge others? Fuck, I am messed up.

Really, really messed up. How am I just realizing the extent of my fuck upperies now? I don't know, I did pitter patter when speaking of things to my fucking awesome friends. I'm confused.

I am mildly crushing on two boys actually, one more recently and not as strongly as the other. Both have girlfriends. Well, one doesn't so much anymore. The same one seems more able to retaliate my emotional craziness, but I cannot be too sure of anything. Only one thing is certain.

If they knew who I really was, they'd run. Not just the two aforementioned boys, everyone.

Like my dear friend Gabe... there's such a long story there, I don't feel like novel writing. In summation we've liked ea. other (Or I have him, is all I can vouch for, really) for like 4 years. I began liking him about 3 months into my relationship with Clint. When school ended and such I would think of him in waves, then when we started hanging out again - it was strong. We talked, smoked a ridiculous amount of cigarettes and left with another time another place. I am now without Clint and Gabe's dark and grouchy towards me. I went to playfully pull his tie to pull him towards me for a hug and he just got super angry about me touching his tie or something. I could have cheated on Clint to have him, but I wouldn't cheat for anything. Guess I missed my fucking opportunity - wow, literally.

I really want someone to cuddle with and to hold me. To make me feel normal and sane. I just don't think I'm ready. I jumped into the pool and found it exhilarating frigid, I set myself free. Let's keep it that way - for a good long while. Until... I stop comparing people to Clint, yes he was a jerk at times, and not too terribly bright, but he made up for it in other ways.. God I am a shallow bitch. I can't even believe my own shallowness. I honestly thought I wasn't shallow, I did. Apparently I am ridiculously so. Awesome. FAIL! No one can meet these twisted standards I have set myself. Why can't Brittany be a smoking hot male? I am so completely disgusted with myself, it's almost sickening.

So, in summation - everything is fun and games in idle talk and feelings. When the opportunity presents itself with the loss of a significant other things crumble apart because reality sets in. At least, that's kind what I'm thinking.

We'll give it time to mull around before making any decisions, plans, commitments, or otherwise. I wish I could combine aspects of all of my guy friends together to make the perfect boy friend. All my guy friends are amazing in their own ways... goodness that would be fun.

Sorry to disappoint anyone who thought I was different than who I am. Who thought that my intellectual merit and desires actually were valid. To anyone who saw me through the smoke and mirrors. I wish I was that person.

I wish I was, oh so many things.