Anger

It's all over in a little over a month.

No, she didn't make it, or start rumors, or try to create drama. Although, you did. I'm glad you know someone in management - that's fucking dandy! I don't give a fuck, and neither does anyone else. I'm delighted you think you know everything about anything, it makes me feel even better to watch you fall on your face.

I don't know if you've just been having some form of a male menstrual cycle lately, or if being in close proximity to you just let me see who you really are. I didn't think you were all that bad a couple months ago. 

It was the comment that I wouldn't know something because I'm female that you thought was so witty that really set me off. Excuse me? You, who think oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide and other gases have no gravitional pull. Ri-ight. Although after everyone else realized what a fuck-tard you were being, I think you know that now.

That's not the only thing, but one that I can readily pull to mind. I love how you do nothing at work except dick off online, but I can't have someone hang out with me momentarily while this happens. Don't want to interupt you while your busy 'showing' someone 'what's up' online. God forbid!

I honestly wasn't too concerned with the whole popular scene in high school, and so, while there were a few girls who disliked me for being friends with their boyfriends, I didn't have too much to deal with in terms of people being bitches because they were jealous. I did, however, have to see that a lot. You're worse than those girls who made other people miserable to make themselves feel better. They just imparted emotional scarring -- you could cost people their job and livliehood. 

It probably is you who's going to management and creating devestation and stress for a close friend of mine, and a close friend of hers. I'd pretty much be willing to put money on it. If you don't like me - fine. Get over it, it's honestly not my fault that people want to come hang out with me and the others I call friends. Myself and my friends are fucking amazing people who deserve to communicate with other fucking amazing people. Sorry that you feel dejected, honestly, I couldn't care less anymore.

God, I'm all flustered and need to relax. So, I am going to go get coffee with one of my fucking amazing friends that just called me. I'm not going to talk with you or debate any of this, because we all know how that's going to go. You denying it. Just like you denied you fucking off and accomplishing not one damn thing at the last meeting. Everyone else inputted and cared. You "put your foot down" and tried to focus an already focused group. God you must hate yourself or something. I suppose I should feel sorry for you, maybe you didn't get enough love as a child... oh wait, neither did I and I'm not being an asshole... Well, whatever caused you to hate yourself so much you feel the need to control other people, I'm not sorry. I make no apologies... and.. fuck off? 

Yeah, I think that's about it.

Because I just have more to say...

I wish Az was online so I could talk to her. Stupid work existing. 

I don't need drama at all, I don't need someone to protect me, to watch over me. I need me, myself, and I - and I don't care how cliche that is. I need to wake up alive, stretch and survey the world around me. If I can continue to do this until the day that I... wake up dead, I guess, I think I can be content. I am an observer of life - which occassionally makes me feel like I am not part of it. I appreciate those that force me to acknowledge the fact that I am human. You each have yourself a paragraph in a prior entry. 

Feeling the need to backstep, unwind, and undo isn't something I like. I am having this feeling to a small extent at the moment. The consequences were not clear to me, perhaps the logical and apprehensive portion of my brain was frozen at the moment. I never wanted to cause dissonance, I cannot imagine myself a home-wrecker.

Take a step back. Breath. Figure out just who you are. You're working on it, sure, but you are not yet there my darling self. Not wanting to be with Clint doesn't mean you need to have a want to create anything with anyone else. Do you really want to, anyway? Can you imagine yourself in various situations? Perhaps you can acknowledge the feelings and have nothing more than a friendship. Perhaps. If it is not possible, it may be best to kill the feelings. Simpler that way. Less brain matter and blood to clean out of the carpet. 

I have the feeling that someone was right. While it is nice to be complimented on occassion, the incessant complimentation makes me feel like a chunk of meat at the market. Compliment me on my wit, my intellect, my knowledge, my wisdom, my insights. Make me feel like I can move you with my pen and ink..or keyboard, as the case may be. This is how you create in me the lack of disappointment. This is how I know that you're not just some cock looking for a lay. Even if you wouldn't ever touch me in a sexual manner, it doesn't matter... because you would. 

I honestly don't find myself to be an attractive person, and doing things that make me feel pretty are fun for me. If I can feel like I look like someone that is confident, perhaps I'll gain some myself. This is how I play my game.

If I seem like a ditz, an empty shell for a skull - you're right. If I seem like a manipulative, backstabbing bitch, you're right. A fallen angel, with tears like ice; a fiery fiend with a passionate heart; down to earth; stuck up proper; concieted and narcissistic; humble and plain; temptress of desire; one of the guys. I am all these things and so much more. Whatever you think I am, you're right. To quote Eminem -- because that song just came into my head... "And I am /whatever you say I am /If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? "

I'm going to go get dressed for my day of doing nothing except school work, and listen to some music to clear my head.

For some reason I am getting the feeling that I am missing something. And I quote, " Some people don't seem to realize a difference between simply being inspired by something and wanting to stick your dick in something. Don't be so fucking insecure." 

I can surmise things based on prior things, but none of it really makes sense to me.... *GRUMBLE* Did I, by proxy, break something? Or am I just being egotistical in thinking that this could in any small way be related to me. I'm going with the fact that the next entry reads very angry and fuck this I'm out, that perhaps as I got him into it, in a way it's not just my overinflated (at the moment) ego reigning in to say hello. The next bit goes to mention of who is jealous, and why? There is only one person who would fit this mold, I think... but there is no why to go behind it. Then I wonder if it was all just misinterpretation. Jealous over ooglers or something is one thing (and was what I was referring to in priorness), A...sort of friendship I suppose you could say that was barely even forming, and more just based on a muse..is an entirely different thing which no jealousy should arise from.. there's no chains holding me down, darling.

In sharing his blog, it led to mine, which caused a smidgen of inspiration. The revelation of honesty and vagueness to protect the innocent and guilty alike. It really has felt to me like as soon as I through it into the open waves of the internet that I am washed of it. Or, cleansed by it and therefore able to not dwell on things which would weigh me down. It's nice to have that feeling. Why shouldn't he have it too?

I just got so tired of fitting this mold that everyone seemed to have, sitting in their cage with my wings clipped. I long to fly free and without inhibitions slowing me down. The dueling between two sides has always raged within me, but I found it interesting that someone who seemed so sure of themselves, and so seemingly intact could feel the same. Gave me a shot of hope. Now, because of something, that I don't even know, I don't get that insight anymore. Hmph. Oh well, I suppose. It really is each to his own. Still... I am left wondering how I can fix it. When I don't even know that I am the problem, and I am more than likely not. If I can fix it, you'll know what this whole ramble was about, let me know? Or, just pick up your insightful ramblings - public for mine eye to read, or private in your own world, you shouldn't stop.

66% Treasure Troll, 100% fun

Where should I start. Generally one starts at the beginning and when they get to the end, they stop. However, I'm not sure when the beginning started, and don't know when it will end. I will then document the day b/c a lot of funness happened I believe...

Let's take it straight to the end of the day of work. That seems a good place to start. Tyler totally made a blog! He's as emo as the rest of us, yay! Well, not emo necessarily, I've been using that word as all encompassing lately. It doesn't matter because it totally made me happy.

Chue decided to come with John and I on our adventure. John was being kind of emo, so I didn't think that much would happen - boy was I wrong... So we drove out to the old apartment complex. The pool area was locked every which way, so John hopped the fence to see if the water was clean enough for said swimming activities, it was. Crap, I totally wasn't wanting to do this really... Oh well, I said I would and it makes a great story!

John broke the gate open and we --or rather I as John's trunks are mia -- changed into more suitable swimming clothes. I dipped a toe in the water and looked at the sky of stars above. The air that made my breath cloud the picturesque heavens was warmer than the water caressing my toe. Fuck! I look at John who is determined. Chue's like. "Do it?" and counts down....

3...2...1...

Kill me now! I begin to swim and start to feel heavy. Lead heavy. My internal organs start to contract with painful intensity as my skin all rushes inwards towards my chest. "Out now!" screams my heart with it's feeble beat. I get out and feel like I've been stuck with a million ... thumbtacks (it's the most recent feeling I've been stuck with...) The towel Chue hands me feels like razors across the skin. I slip my shoes on my feet and feel them cry for mercy. Hobble, hobble. 

Warmth, burning my flesh. I'm hyperventilating somewhat by this point. Oh, yes, there's a sauna. Turn it on and step inside. Eventually feeling returned to extremities. It's a test. A test? For serious? You're crazier than I thought, and manipulative? 

Lay it on the table using metaphors, what ifs, hyperboles, and the like. Forwardness not needed in these intellectual circles. Until it is. Wow, that should have been way more awkward, all things considering...and the fact Chue joined in. Oh well. 

I don't date, play games with, or touch the penises of boys that have girlfriends. It's not my style. I still don't think basketball is a very good idea either. His jealousness and flattery really made me happy though.

Drying off and dressing, walking to the apartment. My kitties need a bath, they're looking a little greasy. Oh, look Clint's actually home. Hm. Grab some things and leave, totally done. I expected to feel...something other than nothing for him. I mean, I'm upset about the situation still moderately, but I think I'm realizing he wasn't who I thought he was. Or he's changed so much it's just...gone. He doesn't deserve me, even less now that I'm getting a picture of who "me" really is. I think...dare I say?... I like this picture that is appearing before mine eyes.

Back to car, drive drive. Got some AppleBees. Made  a new word "Motorboatable." Our server liked it so much he gave us drinks for free. The first time my random word making has actually paid off. Swell! 

Drive drive (insert blank spot for the event that totally didn't happen (me treating a red light like a stop sign)). John checks MAX schedule. Trimet Fail. Drivin to Gresham. Lalala. Listening to the radio, then Tool, then the radio. Canhazpeenow!!! Enter John's apt. "Er, hi Emily?" God, fail. Not as in God fails because he doesn't. Manner of expression, or something.

Getting watched as I pull away (paranoid/protective/something much?) I'd be driving still if John hadn't been like 'Here take my phone. No I will not just look up directions you are getting them live." The GPS hates under/over passes, it gets confused. I thought it was funny.

Home and I'm like wtf mate?! I jumped into freezing cold water, openly admitted my feelings for someone with honesty and without awkwardness or regret, bonded more with the Chuester, drove to Gresham, and ended up home alive.

My body is in absolute pain right now. The water thing may not have been the smartest thing in the world, but I'll tell you something... it was liberating. The jump played in slow motion as I loosened all ties to the 'old self' and plunged into the freezing waters of uncertainty. It was like a baptism, and very symbolic of everything. My shirt made me laugh then, a frozen (literally!) heart. 

I'm not sure if anything will come out of this. All I know is that I am okay with how I am doing, feeling, and existing. I need to be mildly less degenerate...but overall, I am happy. I don't care who sees my insides, or reads me like a book. I think...for once... I am content to simply exist, as myself.

After all, I am 2/3 a Treasure Troll.

Enigma wrapped in mystery's how I like my toast

I am now making a new rule!

In order to maintain my sanity, my vague anonymity, and so forth and so on...
Life Behind teh Mask will not be accepting decoding questions.

I know, what a shocker. I do like actually being able to rant, ramble, exclaim, and twirl things over in my own way. It's awesome therapy, actually.

If you think something is in regards to you, or someone you know - you're probably right, but you could be wrong. The fun part is that I do what I want because I am claiming my internets!

Through my writings I am working to achieve self actualization, Maslow's hierarchy of needs style. Which, since people are reading can be interesting. I do like to entertain, however, while also offering people an insight to my complicated antics and analytical style.

However, based on the fact that my heart beat rapidly then died, I think something might be dribbling around. You know what, though? Taking my fuck it attitude with this as well.

How does apathy equate to self actualization? This is something which is yet to be discovered, the journey should be interestingly fun and I'm glad to have you along for the ride!

I'm a horrible person

If I was my friend I'd kick my ass, and someone probably should.

I am utmostly crossfaided right now. Are you kidding me. Jello shots and Larissa's killa weed for the combination of not driving capable. And totally drove to Az's and home. Fail. 

The bumping of the road filled with gorgeous lights somehow made me think of erotic poetry. To which I wrote some in the fibrous membrane of my brain, which then made me crazy horny. You will regret writing that tomorrow. I don't give a flying fuck! So anyway, yes, and that was interesting. Or rather the mental connotation displayed through the optical lobe to my mind's eye was of interesting merit and/or note.

I really shouldn't get stoned where there are people who I find annoying sober there. It makes me want to hurt them badly. Also, I am super analytical of everyone and shouldn't be around people unless they are as chillaxed as I am. Probably best to stick to people in general. Oh what do you know? Actually Danielle seems like she was in my mindset. Possibly. The clock just donged twice but it's totally day light whatever times! Oops. I should be sleepin. 

Instead I'm going to enjoy this amazing high, I better get something out of  being a fucktard. Except for the fact that I don't have a lock on my door and there's someone wandering in the general living area and I don't know who it is! Eep!

Degenerate Fuck. Yeah, probably. With the average of like... 3hrs/night for the past couple nights you shouldn't have even drank at all and peaced out early. Yes, definitely. Fuck, at first the double thing was a playful writing tactic - now I'm doing it again w/o realizing it. You simpleton! 

I . . . worry about, am confused regarding, forget about, dislike, love like a sister, grr at, laugh at, am managed by, am amused by, fuck if i know, girl crushed on, adore, am slightly indifferent to, used to be physically attracted to, update to, wanted to fuck in the past, live with, admire, am going to miss like crazy, date, want to murder, miss less than expected, used to know, love, used to adore, was managed by, crushin on possibly, used to love, have a present from, pixilate with, am perplexed on, am envious of, am creeped out by, am bemused by, wish I knew more of, am flattered by, haven't talked to in forever, hung out with, made happy by, owe a game to, lived with, phailed with, am e-stalked by, am soul sisters with, used to crush on, tweet to, and pray for YOU!

Wow, that will only make sense to me. Yay! I don't remember now - but my phone does. My hands are blue with indigo. 

Hm, maybe I will attempt to write a horny poem before I turn in the light, maybe not. I haven't decided yet...

Hugs, kisses, and wishes for the morrow.

Steph

Frued.

Work, the essential part of life. Sitting here bored out of my mind, I could be doing far worse things for 11.25 an hour I suppose...

Freudian slip fail. Wow, I am only glad that it didn't occur any earlier, or else things could have gotten quite interestingly awkward.

You're no longer and objective outpost. I feel like I am faking quite well. Totally trying to rationalize things I think just made me dwell on them, so fuck it all in complete succession. Sure, that should work. My 'fuck it/them' mentality hasn't failed me yet, although it has failed some other people. Oh well, not my fault that the mental capacity of my semi-coworkers doesn't match mine. Wow, that was unbelievably conceited. You're right, I don't want to sound like dinner here!

I'm not really into the whole "basketball" thing, not to mention other complications. In addition, I really do think I'll probably rationalize it away as being said basketball thing in a short while. It may be my drunken cuddle fest instilled in you an association. Classical conditioning ftw...or lose rather. You had just said it, and the alliteration with who you were speaking with... Totally. However, there's probably some analyzation to be said about the fact that I am like obsessingly obsessing and analyzing myself over it. In that case, wouldn't my 'let's write it off as irrationality' mindset totally stop me from said analyzing?

Yes, but if it was someone more available you wouldn't be irrationalizing it. I probably would, actually, but less. In any event there are complications which prevent us from exploring, and it's such a tiny insy winsy bit that it's not even worth it anyway even if all doors were open - although I find it growing. Power of suggestion? Yes, that's it! Tyler and Drew both said it, and I'm so done with aloneness that I'm grabbing at straws.

There's someone else that you don't need power of suggestion for you know. Yes, I do, but the overtness and lack of anything common and... I am rather shallow for the most part. I mean, come on, they have to at least be average. True, true. And, you're failing your boycott. I am failing, but it's not like he's responding back! Doesn't matter, you'd be willing still to - No, not really. We've already had this conversation before, remember? He has so much growing up to do. I need someone...more... multifaceted. Crazy like you, you mean? No, artistic and romantic like me. A little crazy, but... in a good way.

Fuck it. I agree! I knew I'd win you over.