Sitting at dinner last night, Melissa says her maid of honor bailed. So, she's got her figure-head maid of honor but no real support in the area. She chuckles and remarks how she has no friends and we chat about how I don't either.

It's not that I have unreasonable expectations of people, or that I judge people too harshly. It's really that there are just few good people in the world. Very few. Melissa, Joshua, Johnathan, and I got really lucky. We managed to find in one another similar beings. Honest, kind, loyal. Maybe it's that we're in similar situations - unstable financially, desperately in love. Cutting out the drama and the excess weight of others that held us down for so long. Seeking validation for our goodness, or maybe just the recognition of such. So we share ourselves with each other (maybe a little too much *cough* John *cough*) and we receive the validation we need. That we're not crazy, that we're not odd, that we don't put ourselves on a pedestal higher than the rest of humanity. That we just are on a plain of existence, looking at the world. And we aren't surprised. Not really surprised when someone who offered to help you on your wedding bails, not really surprised when someone creates a smear campaign but isn't willing to air the truth to anyone but those who already know it. Because, that's just the general humanity of it all. The wishy-washy, half-assed, lying, back-stabbing world. That's not to say that each of us don't have these moments, we do. We bail on events, we fail to plan properly. It happens. But, on the whole, there we are. If our expectations are floating away in the clouds, at least we have people in that expanse that meet these expectations, and so - yes, we might be disappointed in the vast throngs of humanity. Sure. Who isn't though? Even the scum of the Earth can be disappointed in the grievances that are caused by humans to humans.

Isn't it better to live amongst the clouds with those that are like you, than to slum it on Earth with the vast, disappointing, disloyal, lying, flip-flopping masses?

A bit of a dramatization, yes, of course. Hyperboles run rampant. Of course there are more than just two people that float the same boat I'm in. Of course I don't feel that we're above the world, not too terribly special, not too terribly unique. No beautiful and unique snowflakes here. Sure, we're part of the masses. But don't we all have the right to be with others like ourselves? Don't we have a right to set an even and fair bar we measure everyone against? Not by looks, color, creed, etc. etc. but truly by the content of their heart and the measure of their character. If there are few people that measure up to my standards in humanity, then so be it. I'd rather have the smallest group of friends I know I can count on completely than a throng of people I'll never trust.

Autumn's here!

It is officially autumn! Hurray to the changing leaves, the rain, and the calming of the nerves and softening of the tummies. I brought the season in tonight with the most amazing group of people. The fire smell, the crisp air, the pretty dress, the lovely people... it was perfect (except for missing one very important person who stayed home and ...?)

I cannot explain how much I love my friends. Even ones I don't know all too terribly well, like Brook and Ike are still fantastic and I would miss them greatly if they were ever removed from such events/circles/etc.

I played Scribblenauts for quite a long while. It was amazingly fun and yet aggravating.

I should be in bed right now, as I have to be at work in 7.5 hrs... but I cannot sleep for thoughts mulling in my head.

I realized that there are people who love me, who love John, and are happy to see us together. I mean... I knew that before, of course, but for some reason it just clicked tonight on how much this is the case.

I realized that if it were up to me to pick who the best man would be, it would have been someone there tonight -- not someone who completely is against John and I getting married in the first place. Those people are more John's friends than Corey has shown himself to be in the last six months... and I don't think that's going to change. If anything Corey and John will fall further apart and John and the boys will grow closer together. Oh, and boys, I am not object to this being facilitated by you either....

When a friend says that they'll do whatever I need/want them to, it's pretty fantastic. Because of who I know, I'm getting pictures, cake, and video for my wedding for free. Well, I'll have to pay for the development of pictures and an album and what not...but otherwise yeah. I could get a band as well, probably. I am blessed to know such talented people.

Actually, I wonder if Trevor will make it, I'd love nothing more than for him to play for us.

The boys planned out an adorable bachelor party for John. Even though he is opposed to the idea of having such a party, hopefully they can trick him into it.

We're getting sent off for the evening with a Roman candle salute. Apparently it only takes four people to make a fantastic show that would bring to tears to my newly married eyes I'm sure.

Downside of tonight, a firework landed on my pretty sundress and now there is a circular smudge of... gunpowder/ash/burn that I don't know if I'll be able to undo.

I believe that the wedding planning has for the most part commenced. We need finishing touches on colors, and that's it. The rest is just saving money for the tulling, chairs, arch, flowers, food, and suit/tux rental.

I know, I know...there's a blog for that, but still it's important in the events of the evening. They interweave.

Anyway ... I love you Nate, Ike, Mouse, Brook. I am in love with you Johnathan Addison.

I am starting to feel like things are in an upswing. . . it's kind of scary.

Oh well, at least we have Corey to fight about to keep drama... I mean how is he going to give a speech if he doesn't think John and I are right for each other and doesn't want John to marry me at all ever...?

Have to be AT work in 7 hours....
Goodnight!

Blogging in less than 5 Paragraphs.

Here is my attempt at a short blog - Just for Nate.

Happiness. Staying up until the sun was nipping at the horizon has never been sweeter. Take me. Cover me in your world I cannot comprehend. Fill me with your notions. I am saddened two of my friendulars have lost their girls. I see great futures for both of them. I am freezing cold, and could use some warm arms holding me. I am confused, perplexed, scared of my current situation regarding school/money/work. Someone should pay me to stay home - to go to school, cuddle, and write poetry. I would be okay with that. I am adored. You all are amazing. My friends! I don't know if I would be here if you didn't exist. It is Good Friday - commemorating Jesus's crucifixion. I haven't given much thought to the pain he suffered in a very long time - I feel the need to do something, but organized religion is teh sux for the most part. I need to do my homework - stay on the ball. I probably should do that rather than blog at work. My boss compared our contract to the Titanic. Sadness. Plan W is so the win. I just lost the game.

The end.

It's only a date if it goes well, says Jack.

It's 3:22 pm on a lovely Tuesday afternoon. I am sitting on Az's computer while a boy gets ready in the bathroom. I have this dreadful sensation that as soon as I turn the key in Az's lock that this reverie we're in will be shattered forever. I've been thinking a lot of irrational things lately though, I suppose. And so I will sit here and type and get kissed and such. Yup, I would say that it counts as a date...

Now it's 1:17 am, and time to reflect and to spill all the...well, most of the juicy details. This will be a detailed account of the past two days, so if you'd like a synapsis, know that I had an amazing time with an amazing boy and that I am a happy Treasure Troll and sometimes puma.

Midterm for Biology: 1:00pm on Monday. I was so the first one done at 45min. later (75 multiple choice Qs and 2 Essay.) Oh well, I've always been a quick test taker. I hope I did okay...

Jack called and wanted to know what I was up to. I told him and he convinced me that we'd real quickly do some things and I could get on to my plans with boy. He also said he wanted to change my headlight. So, we did that and went to PCC to get him signed up for classes. The advisor did her math wrong on my graduation sheet. Oh well, I can count, and so I just need to send in the petition for graduation and I'll be good to go! So excited to be making progress. The advising session took quite a bit of time and accomplished nothing - very important I'm sure. So then I realized I need Viso. The hunt was on. Cheveron and Trader Joes were a bust - except for the divine samples and chocolate covered expresso beans from Trader Joe's. Whole Foods came through for me though, with more delicious samples.

Back to Jack's - call boy, boy had to save a life. Wow, really? I wouldn't have known what to do. You amaze me every day, boy. Boy gets on train and comes to join me at Jack's. Gosh, how do I make this not awkward? Oh, just act however I want to... okay.

Get on train. Ride around to find some food. Get lost looking for Kell's. Hear a fight or two near Portland Rescue Mission. Reboard train. Ride to Llyod Center. Boy decides to not believe my own admission at my clumsiness....and I strap some ice skates to my premature baby ankles. He schools me epically. I fall. Then we decide to go watch Watchmen. We get stuck behind this Asian lady who asks what time every movie is, what they're about, etc. Oh well, we got into the theatre on time. Watchmen was amazing. The picture was clear, crisp, and refreshing. The colors were bright and dark compliments and the movie was very well put together. The plot was relevant, philosophical, and had enough funny moments to avoid being dull. Bravo.

Out of the theatre and the mall is completely shut down. Eerie. In a need to gtfo (where the need came from I'm not sure....) we hop into a 'authorized personel only' hall. No alarms, no worries. Although I did have the urge to be a puma in some of those dark halls.

We get outside. The world is quiet, peaceful. Few lone wanders like ourselves. I'm sure in the suburbs the sky was beautifully littered with stars. I'm sure it is freezing, but I can't really feel it. Apparently, it is not Saturday. It is ours, but the world does not run on our timetable. The max cannot get me home - and cuddling with an ex doesn't seem like an amazing idea. Az! Glorious, wonderful Az. I remember her mentioning the Llyod Center is close to her home - it is late, but I call her. She answers and we walk to her abode. The walk there is full of lots of puma thoughts, along with accompaning wonderings as to where this is coming from... There is a tea bag in a puddle and the boy notices. The world is having a cup of tea, he says. Surprise me again.

Outside her door. The buzz in is not working... she will come collect us as the lady with the dog ignores us. Showers of small pecks. How I'd love a kiss. I try. I fail. Wait, what? He starts to explain as Az appears. He explains. This is too much for me to take in. I realize how awful that must make me - my feeling to run away. My initial response to stay as far away as possible combats with my desire to be with him. I realize that there are no strings attached and if it really bugs me I can always leave. No one has clipped my wings. I decide to stay. I decide to follow life where it takes me. He relates that while he is not totally against the idea, he doesn't know how to really. Oh joy, someone to mold. I think this shall be fun, if he allows me to - of course.

He makes up for the lack of true kissing. We stay up til morning chatting and eventually drift off. Az's futon is amazing - but not nearly as much as its owner. I realize how lucky I am to have these two people in my life. In the same room, at the same time. I feel.... a happiness or completeness or something else equally amazing.

In the morning we play the lazy kissing, enjoying each other game. He keeps trying to convince me that it makes more sense to jump in together. I decline, and spend my time trying to gather my thoughts. I don't really succeed. After much bending, and ... not quite breaking but definitely spraining or fracturing, we head out into the world again. I am slightly downtrodden over my lack of defense. I do have to note that... well, wow. His idiosyncrasis were made up for at least for that day. I think in the longer run we'll get past it, if not I probably won't be able to stay - not sure what that makes me as a person, probably awful. But...there are things which are very important to me and this is one of them.

We finally get the dinner we neglected the night before. It is 3:00 pm or so the day after our 'date.' We then play some air hockey, where I am schooled, followed by more looking retarded doing some fake ddr and then more failing whilest racing. Well, I didn't fail too bad except when I played the child...

Pamts. I need new ones. John decided to write a sweetery hangman style on the ones I am wearing. He takes me into Express. I so wouldn't have let him buy me anything there - seriously. AEO is more than fine. Now's probably a good time to note that it seems money is a big deal to him. The aquisition, and the showing that you have it. To me, I couldn't care less if we split everything down the middle, or had gone to Marshalls or Ross like I suggested. I know that as a boy you're supposed to show your...prowess or something. It's just not something I understand completely. Perhaps it is because that Clint got the first date and everything else was either split or purchased by me until the like... 3rd year when we had a joint account and so it didn't really matter. I'm not used to having my coat held, my doors opened, my bags carried. I will try to resist this act of chivalry for no other reason besides unfamiliarity.

While trying on pants I realize I look like a local Portlander- and not in a good way like I mean that phrase sometimes... yikes! Aren't you supposed to be pretty and polished in these situations? I suppose that I failed epically and will atone myself the next time he sees me to erase the memory of frizzied unmakeuped afro woman. At least I'm two sizes smaller than I thought I was. It could have been the brand though.

It is getting late, and a friend's birthday party is approaching. I do not want to leave his side. I quickly realize the irrationality of this. We need to SLOW DOWN. For fucks sake, Stephanie - realize what's happening. Survey your surroundings and take a breather. Slower, slower, okay. Relax. Continue - chastely this time and for a while longer.

He rides the train with me. As I suppose a good wooer would. There are some odd people that partake in public transportation. I hardly notice, my eyes are either focused outside, on him, or on the cover of the book the lady accross the aisle is reading. It is a pretty, fluffy, orange kitty. Time to drive home. Kiss. Not a real kiss, mind you. God - is it really going to bug me that much? A peck would have been appropriate for that time - unless he wanted me to need to gain composure of myself. However, I think it's the fact that he won't do it which probably makes me want it more. That double edged sword. I broke him a little bit already, and I don't think he hated it. We'll see I suppose. I am sorry if it makes you uncomfortable that I am writing about you so openly - it's just how I do.

Home. I just change my clothes, answer a few questions and am out the door. Drinking and chilling with people. As I squee over Fallout 3 and talk about Elder Scrolls and the perils of WoW; as I talk computer specs and such, I realize that only like two people know what I'm talking about. You're a gamer girl? Asks his friend's mother who someone ended up being there. I..uh... not...really? I mean I... a guy behind me answers yes for me. I realize that I have been corrupted - and that I like it.

I head home and try to decompress the past 48 hours of my life. I fail.

How did I end up where I am at? It is a place I would never think to have found myself. How could I be calling Az at midnight needing a place to stay? Az, who has become such an amazing friend I don't know what I would do without her. I only hope that she magically gets a fantastic job here so she can stay and be happy. Otherwise, I'd rather see her in No.Ho. for her own benefit. Selfishly of course I hope she doesn't get it - but that's not fair to her, and she deserves all the world. When I first met her I would have bet money this wouldn't have happened. I cannot express in words how happy I am that it did. She is fun and supportive and ... amazing!

Then there's you. You have me so intrigued I need to come back for more. You who weakened me into a pile of goo beneath your touch. You who seem so sure at times and fragile at others. Where on earth did this come from? You pulled me in long ago with your writing, your interest in mine. You were silly, and always said things which made me want to know the whole story. You are reserved yet ridiculously outgoing. You make me think things, and feel things, I haven't in a long long time - if ever. This scares me, terrfies me straight through my entire being and into my core. Please, let us simmer. Smallest of small steps. If I fall too fast I might resent myself, or you. Something I never want to do.

Breathe in, breathe out. Publish post.

Because I don't feel like I should be sleeping

I'll post another rambling. I don't really feel like a whore exactly.... but there is a definite measure of guilt. I had completely forgotten about your ness and everything - and the fact that you were not supposed to spend the night as you did. I am completely selfish, and I am sorry. I thought of myself and that I didn't feel like driving, and the fact that I really wanted to spend the night as we did. Again, completely selfish. I am so confused and perplexed and amused and aggravated by everything. This could be so much simpler - however, it isn't. Perhaps, if it was, there wouldn't be anything there anyway. I don't know, and I'm not sure where all this stemmed from - maybe if I did it would be easier to nip it before any more damage can be done to your relationship with her. I feel so responsible for everything. I'm not even sure if you're still in a relationship with her, and, last night I didn't even care. Perhaps it was the vodka loosening my strong moral code to sort of a... brain fondue. I really wanted nothing more than the snuggles and kisses and such, and I didn't think that she was sitting there alone with her world falling apart. God, it really is an interesting point of view from this side of the fence. I'm not sure how to proceed from this point, if I should proceed, or if I should just push you away. I really don't want to, but it's not all about me. Selfishness may help you along the path of your own greed, but it doesn't help other people's lives and better humanity as a whole - which is my goal. I am so sorry for everything, and no I can't blame any one or any substance for my behavior. I honestly haven't felt this happy in a year or more, which sheds a lot of light on several different things. I know, that for the most part, you are to thank for this.

Not to mention my "fucking awesome" friends with their amazingness, I love all of you so much! However, my main perplexment is over above person, and we're working through it internet blogging style - so my gush for you will have to be put on hold - sorry darlings.

I'm not sure if it is all the subtle things you do that make me feel like I am awesome. The fact that you've somehow come into my life with like a crazy chop chop and cut away all the bindings that I didn't even know existed. The aggravating way you share just enough of yourself to keep my coming back to try and fill in the blanks. The fact that you've done and seen so much, or so it would seem and I can steal knowledge from you by proxy.

Hm. I definitely am fucking crazy. We're up to three times now, right? I shouldn't even be having these thoughts/feelings at all, should I? Fuck. Guess it doesn't matter - we've got a month left, and then never to see each other again, right?

I am sorry if you waste your time with my like billion posts a day

I really am. I'm trying to go to bed, and I keep thinking over and over... 

What did this mean? What does that mean? That couldn't have been for me, could it have? Why am I full to the brim with buzzing butterflies one moment, and hollow the next? Am I vain?

Was it like this before and my eyes just became opened? Did everyone really change that much towards me? 

If I don't like him, why won't he get out of my head? Is it all just a game? Is he nothing more than a puzzle I have to solve? A riddle?

What about the other him, why do I feel such an incessant desire to open his brain and delve inside? Will it be comforting? Terrifying? We've only spoken a dozen words to each other, does reading someone's thoughts count? What was the comment, the post about? Did my own vagueness inspire something so vague no one will ever know? Deleted, why? Will I ever actually be able to pry? Will I have the balls? Am I wallowing in self pity? Am I so broken I can't even see it? 

Will we stay together? Will we fall away? The internet, is is strong enough? Without common ground can we still be friends? Will we even lose that common ground? Will our employer make the right decision?

Where am I going to go to school? What am I majoring in? Do I double major? How am I to do it? Where do I live? Work? Is the potential gain worth the guaranteed loss? Is there anything left to lose? Is there even anything to gain?

How was I able to be so honest and open? Have I changed, or is it just my perception? Is perception reality? Am I reality? Who decides what is fact and what is illusion? Why?

Is there a God? Does he love me? Do I anger him by my collage of beliefs? Delight him? Will he touch me as he did in the past again? Do I have to hold on to that one feeling to last forever? Was it all in my mind?

Does he really think I'd let him go? Is it really so trivial? Isn't it? Could I walk away the day our client does? Never look back? Would it all fade? Will I ever find what I'm looking for?

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?

I'm a horrible person

If I was my friend I'd kick my ass, and someone probably should.

I am utmostly crossfaided right now. Are you kidding me. Jello shots and Larissa's killa weed for the combination of not driving capable. And totally drove to Az's and home. Fail. 

The bumping of the road filled with gorgeous lights somehow made me think of erotic poetry. To which I wrote some in the fibrous membrane of my brain, which then made me crazy horny. You will regret writing that tomorrow. I don't give a flying fuck! So anyway, yes, and that was interesting. Or rather the mental connotation displayed through the optical lobe to my mind's eye was of interesting merit and/or note.

I really shouldn't get stoned where there are people who I find annoying sober there. It makes me want to hurt them badly. Also, I am super analytical of everyone and shouldn't be around people unless they are as chillaxed as I am. Probably best to stick to people in general. Oh what do you know? Actually Danielle seems like she was in my mindset. Possibly. The clock just donged twice but it's totally day light whatever times! Oops. I should be sleepin. 

Instead I'm going to enjoy this amazing high, I better get something out of  being a fucktard. Except for the fact that I don't have a lock on my door and there's someone wandering in the general living area and I don't know who it is! Eep!

Degenerate Fuck. Yeah, probably. With the average of like... 3hrs/night for the past couple nights you shouldn't have even drank at all and peaced out early. Yes, definitely. Fuck, at first the double thing was a playful writing tactic - now I'm doing it again w/o realizing it. You simpleton! 

I . . . worry about, am confused regarding, forget about, dislike, love like a sister, grr at, laugh at, am managed by, am amused by, fuck if i know, girl crushed on, adore, am slightly indifferent to, used to be physically attracted to, update to, wanted to fuck in the past, live with, admire, am going to miss like crazy, date, want to murder, miss less than expected, used to know, love, used to adore, was managed by, crushin on possibly, used to love, have a present from, pixilate with, am perplexed on, am envious of, am creeped out by, am bemused by, wish I knew more of, am flattered by, haven't talked to in forever, hung out with, made happy by, owe a game to, lived with, phailed with, am e-stalked by, am soul sisters with, used to crush on, tweet to, and pray for YOU!

Wow, that will only make sense to me. Yay! I don't remember now - but my phone does. My hands are blue with indigo. 

Hm, maybe I will attempt to write a horny poem before I turn in the light, maybe not. I haven't decided yet...

Hugs, kisses, and wishes for the morrow.

Steph