Kaskade

I think I'm addicted to trance music. Or, maybe just trance shows. Or dancing. I'm not sure exactly what the precise combination is. But, regardless, nothing has been able to push through the haze lately like letting myself float on the punching bass. Dancing like I'm the only person in the room - yet pressed against so many other warm and pulsing bodies. Being one, yet one of many. Perhaps it's that in my day to day I don't really ever get to be me. Never just express myself however I see fit and not give a damn. Yet, there on the dance floor I can just...be. Surrounded by others who are just being them. I don't see why people need drugs to feel awesome at these shows - I guess intensifying the feeling. Kaskade was infinitely more into what he was doing and energetic and... pretty much just better all around than Paul Van Dyk. Good times. I was extremely bummed that I had to leave so early to catch the train home. I think next time a concert comes into town I want to actually stay to the finish of that I will drive. And wear thicker shoes so stilettos don't break me. . . and not ask people to rate me 1-10... because, really?

Paul Van Dyk and such

As I go to write this, I reread my previous post. It still sums up all that I am, all that I know. It's sad to me to go along in the world so unchanged. So stagnant in who we are. Perhaps we cling to these comforts instead of letting ourselves fall into where we should be.

Last night, I let myself go - and it seems that I have done some offense. However, as I look on it, I don't much care.

I showed some cleavage and danced my heart out to the sounds of Evan Alexander and Paul Van Dyk. I, for once, stopped caring about how I looked while moving - or what others were doing around me. I simply soaked in the sound and let it pour through me. Pure release. Money aside, I think I'd do that every night. Find a great DJ and just exist in the moment. It's so strange that to listen to that music idly is something I shall never do, I simply don't enjoy the overtures crashing into repetition. However, with bodies all round pulsing and the music all you can hear, and the ability to channel it - it's quite lovely indeed.

So many things are happening all around me, I have so much to do....

So little time to breathe.

Inhale.
Exhale.

That's better.

So many things have been flowing around me lately, it feels I haven't had the chance to breathe in ages.

I feel small, I feel weak. I feel like the world is surrounding me only to rip me into shreds.

I cannot believe how amazing the late spring air has tasted and felt on my skin this past week. The sun waving farewell later and later each night, until soon I will be up too late just to watch it sink behind the hills.

Drinking too much, letting my head fill with notions of importance and delusions of grandeur. I think that's a more fitting name than life behind the mask these days. I haven't really let any one into my darkened chambers in a while. It's much safer that way... I scream out every once and a while - but I think that in my trying to be what you want me to be - it's usually just a whimper.

How can I say I'm terrified without you hearing I want out? How can I reclaim the way my heart used to feel without the world seeing me reach for the past? I wasn't always broken. These jaded eyes once were a clear and open blue. I used to stay out all night in the back of the Scout with the top off staring at the stars until they turned into sunlight. I used to lay on a porch in a sleeping bag and watch the bats dance as they found their fleeting prey. We would plan our futures as only children can, and never knew how it would end.

I fear that history repeats itself, that for every wonderful moment in time there will be five to make you want to cease existing. I want to capture each wonderful moment without the bitter taste they now leave in my mouth.

Since my life ending heartbreak, I haven't been whole. It's not fair to you that I am this way - but I suppose it's only natural. So you ask me - which moments are sweeter? The ones before I was crushed into a million pieces, or the ones after? I don't know what to say other than I know how those moments end. I know that all those wonderful times were all for naught. That all they brought to me were tear-filled eyes and a new perspective. Yet, they do taste sweeter. Time perhaps blurs the negativity that may have existed, perhaps it was youthful eyes that hoped for a brighter future. I don't know.

I crave for that magic again. That feeling like nothing can ever beat me down because I'm me. I long to feel the sun's rays wrap around my heart and know that all is right in my world. I want to feel you like I've never felt you before. I want to consume you in all that you are until I've had my fill. I want... I want to feel. Not nervousness, nor apprehension. Not worry, or fear, or confusion. Just... feel.

Feel the world in all its glory. Feel what I see, touch, and taste in my core. Feel love all around me, coursing through me - feel content, feel at ease. No more planning, no more schedule, no to do lists. I want to be able to kiss the morning as her eyes meet mine. I want to fall from the star light into ethereal clouds of tranquility.

I want to run free through fields of flowers, twirling in the breeze. I want to dance in an ocean of bubbles underneath a giant oak tree. I want... to be free.

I want to bare a child into this world, and teach her the ways of the goddess and the cross. I want to connect with my inner witch without offending my Christian half. I want to blend the world into a perfection that has never been seen. I want to feel what it's like to carry life into this world. To be the vessel of perfection. I want to take that gift to the world and see it grow and flourish with freedom and love as its companions.

I want to care for you, as you've never been cared for. I want to wipe your brow from the grime the world has imparted there. I want to show you compassion, mercy, and forgiveness. I want to show you passion, freedom, and the wild beating of my heart. I want to be your gatherer in a world full of convenience. Hunt for me?

I want to return to our roots - to abolish modern establishments down to the barest of infrastructures. I want to see bronzed limbs toned with work and glistening in the sun. I want flowers in my hair and grass beneath my toes. I want a warm ocean to swim in and a cool shade to lie in.

I want all these things I cannot have. In this age I was never meant to be. So have patience as I struggle through time to make my way to the 21st century. Do not fear me, nor my fickle heart. I will mend again - there is really no alternative. Keep in mind through every day that I have never seen our relationship as a trap nor inescapable bindings. I know, everyday, there is a choice. A choice to continue or to depart. I continue, and I promise you I will keep continuing as long as I am able. You are mine forever, as I am yours. Please don't take this for granted.

you can take me as I am.

I got a lot, well.... a lot for me I guess, of attention on my last post. I guess it came across stronger than anticipated. However, perphaps that was for the best. For no matter how much I scream into the world that things need to change - here we are spinning in the same circles.

I am still being made out to be the bad guy, when I am not. I am still treated like a child, yet expected to behave as an adult. I am used, I am taken for granted. It appears the honeymoon phase is over and we are laying out bare and naked in front of each other. It seems we are not liking what we see.

If you don't like me, that's totally okay. A lot of people don't like me. I'm too blunt, too demanding, too in control of myself for most to handle. That's fine. You can leave, and I will understand. I want you to stay. I beg of you to realize that while volatile I am so very easily made docile. If you are what I need, you will have zero complaints of me. Of this, I am certain. I may be demanding, but if my needs are met I am the most loyal, passionate, caring and basically fabulous person you will ever meet. I will make sure you have what you need, and more.

However, I am not able to make something out of nothing. I cannot make your perfect universe without a single drop of star dust or basic elements of life. I can have a relationship balanced perfectly and obtaining peace and passion in abundance - but it does take two people to form this relationship. It requires my partner to be able to step up to the standards I have, which I am also willing to give.

If you were looking for someone subservient, this I will never be. I will stay home and work on the house and raise our children, but you will never be my master. I do what I do in my life of my own volition. I am broken by how much I have had to serve you. I am broken that you have become the master, and I - yours. I want to be yours, but only in the same breath that you are mine.

I will work for you, if you work for me. I cannot survive in the way things are balanced. I will not thrive being someone that works to take care of someone else that is perfectly capable of supporting themselves. I've done it before... look where that relationship now is.

I love you completely. I want you to be by my side until time is no more. By my side. Not in front, nor behind. You are my life, my world. Let's bind together and both work for the common interest of continuance. Let's try and be something the world can be proud of, that we can be proud of. Please join me. Love me. Be what I need. I will be what you need. For always.

Forever.

it's been 13 months

I was going to write a happy blog for my belated 13 months. First I decided to catch up on my reading of other's blogs to reenter the world I've been out of touch with. Now... the happy blog of love and joy just doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

I am so ridiculously done with being made to be an enemy. So tired of spending everything I work for, and a lot of what I don't, to make someone else happy. I get so very, very little for myself. I give everything I have to someone else who has the audacity to say that it is not enough.

Oh, you give me everything - you've changed your entire belief system, you bend over backwards daily and feel like killing yourself so you can stop it all? Yeah...that's not going to cut it. I actually need more. I can't be satisfied with this, let alone bothered to actually contribute something of my own. No, I won't give you anything other than the basics to tie you to me. Work? Bah! Cut back on spending? You must be joking.

I just want it all to

-STOP-

I love you more than anything I can express. So giving you everything I have isn't a big deal. It makes me happy that you are happy. I would like to have something given to me. I mean, last night we bought something for me - and the xbox is pretty much half mine. Still...it feels like all you want me for is to support your habits. Not to be there for you, or to love you. Just to be something you can feed off of.

I know that this cannot be the case. I hope so, at least, and am pretty sure this is correct...Take what I say with a grain of salt... but do listen. Don't just ignore it like you do everything else I say in regards to how I feel.

I am so easily tossed aside like everything else in your life. I know this... and I feel it intensely at times. I wish for you to be what I need... what I've always needed. I need to be taken care of, to be provided for. I need to feel it completely that I am the only thing that really matters to you. I need to be enveloped in love constantly and made to feel like I am truly safe. I need to be protected from the world, and perhaps, to have the world protected from me. I need to be encouraged to thrive - emotionally, physically, spiritually, artistically, sexually...and otherwise. I need to have an equal partner. Someone who does not take more than they give, but tries as I do to give as much as possible while taking as little as possible. You say you do... but this is the biggest fallacy I have heard you commit yourself to thus far.

I need happily ever after.

the whirlwind

I think sometimes that there may be something wrong with me. I mean, I read over so many posts that are full of anger, or sadness and wonder why. I cannot comprehend these things in my elevated state I suppose. Everything now is wonderful. Sure, we're completely and totally broke and budgeting ourselves each day in a way I didn't think possible. Yet, we sell things to get by, we make our way through this life.

I little over a year ago John told me that I could take him and only him, or he would walk away. I realized that I couldn't let him walk out of my life, so I agreed to be his girl for as long as everything was rainbows and butterflies. We fell into a daze of glory, confusion, and passion. The rainbows and butterflies didn't last unbroken for too long, but at that point I don't think either one of us had a choice but to see it through. No one thought we would make it, that we had anything real.

Yet, here we are. One year in, four months away from our wedding. The days fly by now so rapidly, there's hardly a chance to breathe. We are stressed over work, over the lack of money in our household. We have lawyers and weddings and bills to take care of - not to mention eating and fueling a vehicle. Somehow we've managed to make it this far. We should be out of the woods here shortly once the lawyer stops eating all the monies.

We finally have a means to pay for the wedding (thank you Grandma!) and so we're feeling a lot better about things in general. It wasn't a big deal to go out and buy my wedding bands two days after I bought my dress, veil, and jewelry. We're selling the Wii tonight so we can afford food for the rest of the week and then rinse and repeat I guess.

In May the lawyer will be paid off and I can dive into the trial proceedings. Yay? Eh, it will get everything taken care of and get me clean and clear for the future. Now if John could do the same.... but most of his stuff will fall off of his report in the next year or two anyway. Then we can start working on saving for a house ... although with a certain someone's spending habits I don't think that will be possible for us until 2015. The world will end before then! <-Totally kidding.

Anyway, I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. You are my ... everything. As long as I am, I am yours.

reality

We walk through life and a surrounded by a myriad of choices. Do we know which ones lead ultimately down the right path? I think in our heart, our soul, we do. We know that the choices we make will turn through the world like they do. Why then, do we make negative choices? Why do we hurt those we love enough to make them feel like a relationship just isn't worth the pain? To test them? To test ourselves? While it is I that gave in, I do not forgive you. I will not forget. We included a verse from the Bible on love on our invitations, but I've never once believed in that verse. I don't think anyone ever has. Maybe fools.

Love is demanding.
Love is cruel
It is always envious,
it will always boast,
it is unfailingly proud.
It is inconsiderate,
it is selfish,
it is quick tempered,
it never forgets.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with lies.
It always leaves you exposed,
always disputes,
always doubts,
always perseveres.

Know it. As I have known it, as you have known it. As anyone who has felt its thorns will know it. We all know these things, yet we still ignore them. Or we forget, time slowly degrading our memory of the past until we come to see love as something to hold on to - to seek. We slowly forget that love is not happiness, but pain. Just as hope is pain, just as faith is pain. Without hope there is no disappointment; without faith, no regrets.

It takes so long for these wounds you carve into my chest to heal. You always find their scars after they've just finished healing, and know how to rip them open once more. That brief point in time when they are healed, when I am whole... it is still worth it to me. Eventually, I can't guarantee it will be. Eventually, the wounds you inflict will take too long to heal. The cuts opened too many times will cease to clot and scar over. I'll be left with an open wound in my chest that you can no longer fix.

It is your choice, the fate of my heart. You alone hold the ability to crush or enlighten it. You can heal these wounds completely, and diminish the scars to nothing. Or you can break me completely. It is up to you. I hope that you can choose to reinstill in me the belief that love, faith, and hope are things to be cherished. I pray that you do not ruin everything we've built thus far. Yet, you are stubborn and steadfast in your ways. If you remain as you've been we cannot last. I hope that I am worth changing for, that you can alter your foolish beliefs and ways. If not, that is your prerogative. I do not hold you here against your will. I do not wish for you to be anything other than what you are - what you are at times, what you can be.

I will do my best to hold on to you. To love you as I have. To be what you need me to be. I promise that I will flourish if tended well. I can promise that not a seriously ill word will come between us. You claim it is good that we fight, that it means we still care.

I hope you can come to show me you care without breaking my heart. Even after we broke up Clint and I fought. I don't think that means we still cared enough to be in the relationship - we simply were done with each other. Fighting does not mean that you care... it just means that you fight. You are cold, calculating, and cruel. Yes, you are also sweet, caring, and loving. Which makes it worth it.

I will be here with you as long as I can. I would like very much for that to be forever.