time turns the page

17 months ago, I said that I would enter into a journey with him alone.
12 months ago, he asked me to join him forever.
1 month ago, we joined as one for all to see.

I cannot believe that we said our vows a month ago. It feels like a different world entirely, and one that surely must have taken ages to develop. Still, the same refrains of those asking me how the married life is treating me should bring into focus that it hasn't really been that long.

As much as earlier on I stated that nothing had changed, that we go day by day in the same old fashion... there is another sense there too, that is different.

A sense, that life cannot remain on these tracks or else we will fall off them. That something needs to settle into the way it will be.

I long to establish the things that will last us forever... or... end the current chapter in our lives, and open a new.

I crave a solid foundation and stability, for potentials to be reached and expectations surpassed.

The only thing that has changed, I suppose, is that I am ready.

I am ready for morning each day, I am ready for the tasks ahead.
I am ready to be a mother, a wife.
I am ready to keep a home, and balance a budget, and live a life.
I am ready.

I am ready for the good times, and the bad. I am ready to try and fail before I succeed. I must succeed.

I am ready for a house I can make a home, and for a family to fill its walls.

Though it may be scary, I am ready.

I am ready to be married to a man. A man in the truest sense as I define it. A man, who is ready. A man who is ready to be strong, a man who is ready to be willing. A man who is ready to provide, to conquer. A man who is ready for the morning each day and the tasks at hand. A man who is ready to be a father, and a husband. A man willing to build a home, live within our means, live his life. He must be ready for the good times, and the bad - to fail before he succeeds. He must succeed. He must make our house a home, and be ready for a family to fill its walls.

Though it may be scary, he must be ready.

A month has taught me endurance, patience. It has taught me love, acceptance, and balance. It has taught me comprimise, it has taught me faith. I have learned the importance of good friends, and loving family - and the way it feels to be let down. I have connected, I have reached out, I have worked hard. I have enjoyed the air, the sun, the sky, life and love in all its glory.

Such a small time, such a long time. Who knows how the road unwinds from this point. I only know that now, I am ready. Are you?

life goes on...

...same as it ever was.

The wonderful wedding was offset by having my wallet stolen and John getting so sick we had to go to the ER. Now we have medical bills on top of everything. Joy! I'm just glad that with medicine he is now starting to feel better. Nothing is worse than seeming him in pain... and actually voluntarily going to a doctor.

However, our normal cycle of one good thing followed by three horrible has not been completed yet, and this has me worried... what will follow? Perhaps it is superstition, but that's the way it's gone so far. I hope we can break the cycle and be calm and happy for just a little while.

I want nothing more than for normalcy. Some sense of solid base which all can grow from, from which a life can form. I keep feeling like if I run away I'll be able to find it. If I shake things up, somehow all the pieces which are floating around will fall together and everything will be complete. Day dreams...

I really want to start a family, to have John work a good job and to stay home and take care of the house and loved ones like women were able to before society marked this such a lowly occupation.

It seems like no matter how my brain likes to tell me, making lists and setting goals and having a plan will never work. We will never be totally out of debt, I will never be the pretty girl I used to be, there will never be stability, never peace. It will never be a good time to have a baby, it will never be a good time for anything.

I try to make to-do lists, to plan out how much we need to save - what we can allocate to certain areas of life. Then, something has to happen to steer us off course. I'm not even his real wife because of all this nonsense! We had the wedding, but not the marriage... seems so backwards.

There are so many things upon us... so many eyes, so many thoughts. So much to do, and no way of knowing how long we have to do it. I wish life came with a manual... don't we all? I just need someone else to take control and tell me exactly where I need to be and when. To portion out what I eat, what I do in a way that optimizes all that I am and creates the best potential me.

I've lost faith, I'm losing hope, and I'm ashamed for these things.

I need help!

It has not been an awesome week and a half. Yes, we got married, which was awesome! But....

Due to some issues with the payment source of the wedding, we ended up having to pick up quite a bit more than expected.

Not to worry, we sold some computer parts to a friend who would pay us in two installments. So he gave us $250 and we went on our merry way.

That was until - we went to a friend's barbeque this afternoon and someone in attendance / milling about decided it would be a great idea to lift my wallet from my purse. Granted, I probably should have had it on me... but I figured we were amongst friends - so what's the harm?

Now I'm down that $250 which was more than desperately needed. In addition, I now have to get a new ID and all that. Not to mention a new wallet.... (the wallet stolen was given to John for his 18th birthday :( )

Due to the wedding and such, we took time off which is going to limit our income over the next month or so. Yet, of course we make too much for government assistance in the matter.

So, if you can help us out - you would be a Godsend. We literally have less than a dollar to our name, and no groceries in our house. Anything to help make up what was lost would be more than appreciated.

If you can see us in person, great. Otherwise I've got a Paypal account you can add funds to.

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=5633643

We're willing to do what we can for those who help out... shout out videos, poems, whatever we can do for free.... John's willing to paint your name(s) on the side of his car.

Thanks!

rotary engines are a drug

When John brought home Savannah, I was less than pleased. Busted windshield, zebra camo hood... I mean, what was he thinking? I'm down so much fire power for this?!

New seats, new steering wheel, new shift rod, new shift knob, new wheels, new hood, new windshield, some spray paint... surprising little money put into the whole project directly. These RX7 guys are totally barterers in a modern world. Of course, it did cost us an XBox and guns... now I look at the car as a work of art. So much so that my entire outlook on the older sport cars has changed.

And now, I have Jane - a wedding present from the love of my life. A 1990 (or 91?) red RX7 Convertible. She is a beauty. Sure, she needs a fresh coat of paint, and her interior could stand to be revamped. I'd like to get some new wheels (or just steal John's...). There is a wish list forming in my head of all that I could do. And to thing, a few months ago I never would have given her a second glance.

Jane does have a salvaged title.... which isn't so great (and I'm assuming why we got it for 1/3 of the KBB 'good' value). When we compare it's KBB against my '04 Kia though... the Vert comes up double. Double, for a car over a decade older!

There's a 1993 R1 for sale in the surrounding neighborhood and apparently John has an in to a great price. Considering KBB for the car is about 18k, regardless it's going to be a pinch... and we'd have to sell Savannah to compensate a down payment. Still... I am in awe that these cars have held up so well. That after so many years they have such a huge consumer base. I suppose it makes sense, I mean - they're gorgeous, high powered machines. Reliable when maintained properly, and still able to outrun a lot of what's out there.

Now, I'm usually not a car enthusiast, but these cars - nearly as old as I - have piqued my interest.

I'm married!

Well, I suppose my wedding blog is now finished. There is nothing left to write in its "pages". For we did it! The madness, the tears, the sweat that went into this wedding I think have left a far longer lasting impression on me than the wedding day itself. I can never thank my bridesmaids enough. Thank you for traveling from so far, only to have to support me, wrangle groomsmen (and the groom!) build bouquets, and create a wedding from nothing. I guess I'll break it down here to remember as much of it as I can... so much happened so quickly on so little sleep that I'm sure I will leave much out.

Monday: I had to get up at 5:00am to go to work to train people to do my job while I was away. I went to sleep at 3:00am. In a daze I ran over the tools, the procedures... the wedding.... I came home and memorized my vows. Then we had to pick up the house and we went and saw Inception. Went to be at 4:00am I think.

Tuesday: Woke up at 7:00am. Washed sheets and made the futon for guests. Set out towels and things in guest bathroom. Then we went to go get James so we could all go pick up Tiffany from the airport. Emma peed everywhere on the plane, the Houston airport lost Emma's stroller, madness! Kayla somehow ended up in Vancouver trying to get to the airport.... so we drove out there to meet her and drop off Emma. We all then went back into Beaverton and met up with Brittany while the boys... got their groomsmen attire. Tiffany, Brittany and I went and got our nails and eyebrows done, spray tans, purchased hair dye, and went to my grandma's to go start working on flowers. Then we came home, hung out for a bit and went to Montage for dinner. John, Brittany, and I then went back to my place and watched an episode of True Blood before crawling into bed in the wee morning hours.

Wednesday: Up at 7:00am, getting ready to go. Tiffany arrived from her night with James a little later. We ate some leftovers for breakfast and began our trek to weddingdom. Somewhere in there I dyed my hair, but I forget when... We went to David's Bridal to get my dress and garters, to Claire's for pretty bobby pins and a bracelet, to Winco for $70 in Jelly beans to fill shot glasses with (we still have sooo many - yay for overestimating!), and then I dropped Tiffany off to go pick up Az, and had Brittany stop by the Dollar Store to get ribbons for bouquets. When we were loading up the cars, John stops by to show me my wedding present. Her name is Jane and she is a glorious 1990 red convertible RX7. Ah the joy of FCs. We got everyone and thing together and headed out (late) to Seaside to check in to the Hillcrest Inn. The innkeep was a little... strange, but friendly. Our cottage was pretty spectacular. 2 bedroom, 1 bath, fully loaded kitchen area. We changed into some nicer clothes and headed to the beach to the rehearsal. . . only an hour and half late (sorry Grandpa!). We figured out walking and such, and then headed back to McMenamin's Sand Trap where we had the worst service ever. Then we went to Safeway and picked up some more alcohol for our girls night in. Once everyone was asleep apparently somethings happened... and I was woken at 5:30 by James coughing up a storm.

Thursday: Glass of OJ and back to bed til 9. When I woke up the bouquets were being done. (Thank you Az! and Brittany). Those got finished up and we got showered and doughnutted and headed out to set up the reception location. (After much harassing the boys to make sure they were awake after their Zombie stripper attacks and Oregon Coast bar hopping). We laid out the centerpieces and jelly filled shot glasses and bubbles and such. Then we went to breakfast at this place in Seaside.... I don't remember the name but they have deliciousness (and 3.95 biscuits and gravy all day). The service was apt and much better of a transition than dinner the night before. We then headed into Seaside again to get ready at my Grandma's hotel. So many people, and curling and bobby pins. Thanks to Tiffany for turning my face into something beautiful, my grandma and aunt Niki for creating my hair, and Az and Brittany for helping put on the finishing touches. Donned in a giant dress Azurell drove me to the wedding site. We tried to find a back entrance to our starting point, but ended up much farther down the beach and had to hike through the grassy dunes. When I got a glimpse of the ceremony site, I was blown away. White ribbon outlaying the aisle and site. A heart dug into the sand and laden with rose petals. The music started and it was time to go. I grabbed my grandmas hand and walked through the sand. John was so beautiful! When I arrived in the heart by his side, it was like no one else and nothing else mattered. We were together, and that's it. As we chattered away at each other, we realized that a wedding was happening, and there we were in the middle of it! Our vows were spoken, rings exchanged - a kiss. And we tromped back up the hill to take pictures. Thank you so much Brook and Samantha for capturing all that happened that day. John and I managed to have a bit of time alone as we waited for the chair rentals to be whisked away. We drove back up to the Sand Trap and were introduced to the crowd. Many hugs later we sat down for a delicious meal and drinks. A cake was cut, glasses were raised, toasts given, tears flowed. We danced in our awkward way and had our bridal party and family join us. A money dance was given (thank you Steve!) and then we returned to finish dessert. Chatting, a bouquet toss, a garter fling.... pictures and memories. The crowd dissolved, we counted our money, and headed to a hotel in Seaside - Rivertide Suites. I recommend it highly. 2 bedroom, 2 bath, a full kitchen, washer and dryer, jetted tub, living room, three flat screen TVs. . . John made us a giant bubble bath in the jetted tub and we drifted to sleep on pillows of down.

Friday: As the night was unprepared I had only my wedding dress to my name. I wore some of John's clothes as we went downstairs for breakfast, after figuring out how the toaster worked.... anyway, I called my grandma who was staying across the street and she came and took our things so we could zip back in my shiny new to me car. We drove with the top down in the sun, it was marvelous. We realized, we were married!

I married my friend, the person I can most be myself around. I love him more than anything else in this earthly existence. And, while we're not actually married - I realize most that it is what in your heart that makes a marriage. Nothing has changed. I am now introduced as wife (which was weird) and there are more rings on my finger. Catching a glimpse of John's hand shining makes me smile. Our day to day is the same. We wander around for things to do, drive around and hang out with people. We live, we love, we laugh. Once the bankruptcy goes through and we are finalized, when we go the city hall and make it so... I don't think anything will change then either (except our names).

Pictures are up on Facebook, once I get CDs of them I'll probably post them all together on some other photo hosting site.

Thank you to all that helped make this work, who provided the monetary means, the flowers, the carpooling, the bouquet making, the food providing, the everything! Thanks to the catering staff at Sand Trap for creating a wonderful room for us to be in.

Thank you John, for loving me.

<3

Kaskade

I think I'm addicted to trance music. Or, maybe just trance shows. Or dancing. I'm not sure exactly what the precise combination is. But, regardless, nothing has been able to push through the haze lately like letting myself float on the punching bass. Dancing like I'm the only person in the room - yet pressed against so many other warm and pulsing bodies. Being one, yet one of many. Perhaps it's that in my day to day I don't really ever get to be me. Never just express myself however I see fit and not give a damn. Yet, there on the dance floor I can just...be. Surrounded by others who are just being them. I don't see why people need drugs to feel awesome at these shows - I guess intensifying the feeling. Kaskade was infinitely more into what he was doing and energetic and... pretty much just better all around than Paul Van Dyk. Good times. I was extremely bummed that I had to leave so early to catch the train home. I think next time a concert comes into town I want to actually stay to the finish of that I will drive. And wear thicker shoes so stilettos don't break me. . . and not ask people to rate me 1-10... because, really?

Paul Van Dyk and such

As I go to write this, I reread my previous post. It still sums up all that I am, all that I know. It's sad to me to go along in the world so unchanged. So stagnant in who we are. Perhaps we cling to these comforts instead of letting ourselves fall into where we should be.

Last night, I let myself go - and it seems that I have done some offense. However, as I look on it, I don't much care.

I showed some cleavage and danced my heart out to the sounds of Evan Alexander and Paul Van Dyk. I, for once, stopped caring about how I looked while moving - or what others were doing around me. I simply soaked in the sound and let it pour through me. Pure release. Money aside, I think I'd do that every night. Find a great DJ and just exist in the moment. It's so strange that to listen to that music idly is something I shall never do, I simply don't enjoy the overtures crashing into repetition. However, with bodies all round pulsing and the music all you can hear, and the ability to channel it - it's quite lovely indeed.

So many things are happening all around me, I have so much to do....

So little time to breathe.

Inhale.
Exhale.

That's better.