I can write a blog!

So, I realized that I haven't been keeping my journal up to date. It's actually sitting underneath my lamp, which sits on top of my table...which is at the apartment Clint and I once shared. That whole real life pen and paper thing is awesome, but not very transferable.

I was reading Az's blog andtachos and realized, fuck. Not only can a blog be ridiculously entertaining, putting your feelings out there in more than just 140 characters can be a very cleansing thing. Or healing, or... whatever term you choose to use there to represent good.

There's been so much drama in my life lately which I've just kind of been leaking out to whoever would listen. I've probably alienated most of the people I call friends, and yet I don't think the drama train is stopping any time soon. I can't believe that Clint and I have been broken up for two months already. It feels like just yesterday I was able to wake up beside him in the morning and cuddle and get kisses. Having someone to be there, just...exist is so absolutely amazing and I am so broken without it.

I can't help but blame myself, even though I know I shouldn't. I think, maybe...just maybe. If I hadn't been pressuring the marriage thing, if I'd just taken a 'We'll see what happens.' attitude, that we'd still be together. I'm only 20 years old for fucks sake. Sure, we'd been together for 4 years, but I wasn't really ready for all that marriage stuff, was I?

He's still the one that I want to be with, even after everything he's done to me. I don't think that I could be with him now. He flat out doesn't deserve me. That's such a lie, but I hope that I'd make him work for it. I'm not something to toss around and leave at the wayside. I'm totally making up words, aren't I?

Either way, I'm laying here in bed, now crying my eyes out, and it's getting late. I'll be sure to keep in touch with my...self I guess. Non-existent readers, good night.

I'm sick

Chest X-Rays reveal - this girl has lungs. Blood test shows - yep, blood too. Well, it's obvious you can't breath so here 'oxygen up your nose with a rubber hose.' and breath nice breaths through this tube as it releases... something like super strength asthma inhaler at a constant pace. No diagnosis 0 just rest, fluids, two puffs every four hours on the inhaler - oh, and here take these steroids that'll be sure to make you yell at your boyfriend who never left your side for over 24 hours and spent the night to make sure you didn't die in your sleep. If I do tonight, there'll be no one to know until tomorrow - but I don't think it's my time just yet.

Besides my exciting trip to the hopsital my life's been pretty ordinary. I got a job at Rose's as a hostess. Training is the 13-16, three days our of the four for three hours each day. The restaurant doesn't open until the twenty somethingth. Clint and I are nearing our one year anniversary - yay! I want to plan something, I just don't know what. I don't know what to get him, although I should have some money saved up by then.

I just realized I didn't write anything about winter formal. Well... it was February 11th at my house. Clint came over and we chilled for a while. I made a bag to take to his house because he had to clean his room and I was getting my hair done near there. Brit and I got our hair done. Mine was so curly and bouncy and cute. Then I went got got my nails noe. We went to Clint's house where he picked up his room and got ready while I did my makeup and got dressed. We met Brit and Justin at Rock Creek Tavern for dinner -- where they were twenty minutes late. After we ate we headed to the school. In the parking lot we drank some rum and then went inside. We got our pics taken, they were so good! We danced and it was pretty hot. Then we went to Justin's friend Harmony's house and got totally drunk (well Clint and Justin didn't drink). Then we went back to Clint's house and ended up falling asleep. I was supposed to be home at two, instead we were both out of it until 3:30. But I got home, still looking fabulous and my grandma didn't really care... that's pretty much it. Amazingly fun - and I can't wait until prom!

I really am having trouble breathing still.... I'm going to say lights out and time for meditation. I'm all headache, fever, achy, runny nose, coughing, sneezing, can't breathing, no appetite, stomach crazy, fatigued, sinus pressured out.

I'm overwhelmed

Laying in bed, listening to Rilo Kiley, just pondering life. Like why Betsy who used to be one of my best friends now hates me. Being nervous about graduating and moving out. Thinking about going to visit Clint's family in San Diego. Somehow knowing he'll have like zero fun with me. I mean... I'll drink and smoke and party, but that's the limit of exciting things for me. I don't do theme parks... you know, anything fast paced. He's going to want to do all these things, he's crazy so.. crazy things. I'm such a home body, I don't do stuff that's crazy. I can lay on a beach, go swimming, stuff that's relatively low key. I don't like danger or trouble, and I don't like being scared. Oh well. I'm terrified to meet his family. Since I have major issues with meeting new people, and what their opinions of me are. I wish I could just not care, but that's not anywhere in my personality traits. I am the worrier, the obsessor, and one who plans out details in my head over and over so I don't miss anything. Of course, I forget nearly everything. I guess that's okay... not really. I have no idea how Clint and I work. I'm the studious writer who analyzes and over analyzes everything. He's a lazy jock who doesn't care about opinions and just goes with the flow. I am an anti-going with the flow kind of gal. Yet, despite the polarity within personalities it works. Not that we don't have our snags and bumps, but we get through them just fine. That's just what we'll do because we're engaged and that's awesome. Although I don't think our engagement is quite official since we aren't really telling anyone... we'll whatever, it's official to us and that's what matters the most.

School stresses me out! We have to do thirty hour internships... and since my professional choice isn't within public services -- the class focus program I'm in.. I have to do it with someone I know. Being either Dr. Alexander or Dr. Fiske or Laidlaw. I shall write them letters shortly. Graduation is approaching... in 15 days Clint and I will be 10 months into our relationship. Valentine's day is in six days, winter formal in three! I still am 'unable' to get my license. There's quite a bit on my plate if I do say so. Oh.. AP tests are in may. I have four classes, I'll probably only take three of the tests. AP Calculus scares me. Anyway, it's good night time!

I have all I could want

On my way to college I am. I've been accepted, I'm nearing filling out all my scholarships... looked at housing, figuring out all that jazz. It's pretty exciting when I think about the fact that it's actually happening. Something I've wanted since I knew what college was. I've wanted an amazing boyfriend to marry, and a schooling that surpasses what my family has had. I have, or will have, both. I'm so lucky to have the teachers working with me or I never would have made it this far. It's exciting, I'm excited... and also, need sleep.

ponderings of the future

Being a girl totally sucks. Cramps and what not and bleeding like a mother. Oh well, it's nothing new. Brittany and I looked at apartments for when we go to school. We can make the reservations for our place in August... which is seven months away. Doesn't seem like it's too close until you really look at it. Clint and I have been together for nine months and it feels like a fraction of that. Seven months will go by fast, especially with all the business of Senior year. Winter formal, AP tests, prom, homework, etc. Being with all my people - mostly Clint, but that could change. Then I'll be in college and living with friends and ... that's pretty crazy. The only prople I'll have is finding a job in the area close to school. Other than that I'll be okay.

I just realized that Brittany's parents are actually interested in her college. They actually give a damn. Like pay attention to dates of things and encourage her to do scholarships and everything like that. Mine? Couldn't care less. Didn't even care if I applied for it. All they care about is the money involved. How much it's going to cost them for my livelihood. For the betterment of myself. Fuck it. I'm too... angry

the mundane

Clint came and picked me up and we went to Fred Meyers, because we're skippers like that. Then we went to Taco Bell to eat, and then we went to school. I did a math test, then English and home and nuggle time. He said he'd rather I got him a different ring, but he decided to keep the one I got.

aggravation

Why am I not at school? Because I'm waiting for Clint to pick me up. Why does Clint have to come get me? Because my grandma 'needed' to take a pain pill. Because she's in so much 'pain.' Maybe she is, but she's so annoying with it, I don't care anymore. No one can honestly be in the most intense pain they can stand 24\7. Except, of course, my grandma. I guess some one must have bent the rules for her. She's so full of it. Everyone has pain, that's not it... most people don't give up and have their goal in life consisting of laying down not doing anything. Most people don't complain entirely constantly. It's not right. She's either complaining loud enough so the whole house is full of it, or she gets out of doing something - like grocery shopping (which we desperately need to have happen), birthday parties, BBQs, anything. If her pain is real, then still she deserves not so much pity. She'd be in pain anywhere, so she should just do what needs to be done. It makes me so mad! She zaps the life out of this house. And her mother is the same way, only worse. She just copies whatever my grandma says is hurting, it's so annoying.

On the bright side, I'm so happy that I'm with Clint. He's my savior of this home. Takes me away so I don't become drained like the rest of them. Old and shriveling - not less than willingly. Without him, I'd be devastated.

-Had to vent.