...so you all get an update on my life as of late.
There's been tons of irregular sleeping/eating patterns happening, which isn't too terribly bad since there's no work or anything going on. I do feel super lame when I wake up at 4pm though. Tomorrow - or rather later today I'll need to be up because I'm going to hang out with the lovely Azurell. God, I'm such a twitter addict, I almost wrote @azurell instead. My bad.
So the Clint issue kind of hit full force the past couple days. I was supposed to go to lunch with him, but John mentioned that it would make him uncomfortable and lead to the end of the relationship. So, I told Clint that I wouldn't be able to hang out at that time, of for anytime soon. Clint was super hurt by this and so we had some text and e-mail conversations about it. He said a lot of things that I had been waiting to hear. How he was sorry, that he messed up and hopes to have me in his life in at least some way. He was upset that I chose John over him, which...come on, how could you not?
Eventually he called me and we ended up talking for almost two hours. We talked about the issues that we had. I said my peace about everything. I cried, he cried. Closure. I feel horrible that I have to cut him out of my life, but I guess there is still the internet and telephone and such. He will always be a part of my life, he was too integral to disappear forever.
I understand how John feels in a way. True, I wanted him and Emily to stay friends but merely cut out the inappropriateness -- but he ended up having to end the relationship to do so... or she did. I'm not really sure. He did remove her from the social networking sites and she doesn't have his new phone number... However, I did find out that he randomly remote desktops into her PC. Can you say not okay? So very not okay. That's creepy to the extreme for one, for two -- he needs to get over her. He hasn't yet, and that's okay...but he needs to.
I'm not sure where John stands now with the Clint situation. He realized that I feel bad about the situation, I think he assumed that I wouldn't care. He said that he was stepping out of the situation and for me to do what I thought best. Which is... I have no idea. I don't want there to be any resentment between us, and I don't want there to be double standards either.
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Unemployment has got to be the worst thing. I haven't not had a job since I was 15, and now there's just this huge emptiness. This lack of contributing to anything more than myself, it's just, I don't like it. That and money is kind of important to functioning. Food stamps and UI help, but they definitely do not make up for full time employment. I've had a couple interviews and such, but rejection after rejection. It's kind of lame. I know that I could do the job, and better than the majority of people out there. Whatever.
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I feel like a child who got dropped into this body. I have these grownup concerns, feelings and desires but no way of dealing with them accordingly. Everything is terrifying and I feel like any day I'm going to wake up to find the hollow shells of all this blown away. John mentioned something about putting on a face, and I think the truth is - every single one of us feel like we put on a face for other people. I don't know why - but we do. Whether or not there is one there or not, well, that's up to the individual. I think in a lot of cases it's just the divide between who you are and who you wish you were that causes that feeling. You don't want to admit who you really are. Either that, or I'm just rambling. I feel the same way, like the world can't see the true me. I tried to start this blog to remove the outer layers, I'm trying to be real and honest. I am concerned that John will either be who I know him to be, but change for some reason - or that he really is hiding behind something. There are a lot of things that I don't agree with him on a lot of things, and his past before me seems like mistake after mistake - poor judgement calls lined up in a row. I don't know...not everything, but... a lot. Anyway...
That should be enough reading for anyone. If it doesn't make sense - tough. I was listening to music and that takes my brain away from my fingers so they kind of do what they want.
<3
Showing posts with label clint. Show all posts
Showing posts with label clint. Show all posts
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
it's all matters of perception
I think that John and I may be finally over this ever persistent issue. Yes, I do believe that he is wrong in his logic and reasoning in the matter. However, because in his mind he did not choose something over me, then he didn't. Which is what was really bothering me more than anything else anyway. Yes, I was right. Yes, Emily was and seeming is still in love with him. She's also across the country and doing her best to get on with her own affairs. I don't think that she knows how John and I actually came together, or that there was no infidelity. He didn't even kiss me until the day she was supposed to be going back to Virginia, and we had planned our first date for afterwards. However, she didn't end up leaving for Virginia until we were officially a couple...but that's not really the faults of either of us.
I don't know why it concerns me so much anyway, how she feels or what she perceives. I can only think that the Clint situation made it as such. In a way, although not as horribly, she is me and I am Jaime and John is Clint. Although, I promoted their relationship, and tried to keep John and Emily together. And, John and I didn't have sex until a couple weeks after we had returned from our trip to California...which began after Emily was already back in Virginia. Regardless, the emotional-ness was there, and that's what's most important anyway - especially for her I would imagine as she cheated on John with multiple people on numerous occasions. Anyway...
We came down to the conclusion that John does not perceive the world as the vast and wide majority of people do, and that if I am to be with him I will have to realize that. He also gave some insight to my prior explanation of him not being happy in the relationship and lacking in that once held spark. He stated it as "I'm not going to give you fireworks if you're just going to blow yourself up." He was worried about the continuing fighting as I was, but rather than put more into the relationship because of it he was becoming withdrawn and assuming that I wanted things to end.
There's a real communication issue between John and I, and it's not that we don't communicate. We actually both are fairly open with each other (in matters of the relationship we are in at least) and so by normalcy there shouldn't be any problems. However, we both seem to speak completely separate languages, or at least two opposing dialects. His perception of what truth, love, and humanity are are completely different from anything I've ever heard of. Which leads me to utter confusion. If the great thinkers of history (Plato, Aristotle, etc.) and modern thinkers, and anyone I've ever met or read or heard of all think one way, how am I supposed to come to terms with someone who thinks entirely different? I don't know exactly, but I am working on it. In most matters this difference is refreshing and thought provoking, however, in matters of what he perceives a lie to be - not telling someone you love them if you do, and what love is -- the act of not telling them would require a complete emotional shutdown... well, this leaves me perplexed. I understand it in the most simple terms. If someone says they love you, and you reply I don't you..that's a lie if you love them. However, if someone says they love you, and you reply with... nothing, or continue the conversation, or thank you, or aaww you're sweet or something I don't see that as a lie.
Regardless, I think we realized that we are each totally and one hundred percent right with the contexts we are able to understand and that we live our lives in. So, there isn't really an issue anymore. That being said, it would make my life much easier if he never told her he loved her again, or if he decided that she's not worth any trouble and just didn't contact her at all. I think that if I were to ever hear him say he loved her, or see it in writing to her... I would have a major internalized struggle. For, I do realize his perception and how he understands the situation, but that does not mean that I at all agree. In contexts I can understand, he is completely mistaken on the matter and it should never have been an issue. Oh well. We will either realize the differing perspectives and be okay with that as we are now, or (the better of the two) come to a compromise of perspectives naturally as we grow together.
In other news... OnPoint put an insurance policy on the Mazda themselves, so if they can take a look at the car then they'll possibly cover all of the loan minus 500 deductible. Also, if Clint and a notary sign something saying he was responsible for insurance and operating costs of the vehicle then my license won't be suspended. Hurray, right? Well, generally you would think so. However, Clint is being less than helpful so... I don't know. My next step is to contact an authoritative figure in his life and see what happens I suppose...
I don't know why it concerns me so much anyway, how she feels or what she perceives. I can only think that the Clint situation made it as such. In a way, although not as horribly, she is me and I am Jaime and John is Clint. Although, I promoted their relationship, and tried to keep John and Emily together. And, John and I didn't have sex until a couple weeks after we had returned from our trip to California...which began after Emily was already back in Virginia. Regardless, the emotional-ness was there, and that's what's most important anyway - especially for her I would imagine as she cheated on John with multiple people on numerous occasions. Anyway...
We came down to the conclusion that John does not perceive the world as the vast and wide majority of people do, and that if I am to be with him I will have to realize that. He also gave some insight to my prior explanation of him not being happy in the relationship and lacking in that once held spark. He stated it as "I'm not going to give you fireworks if you're just going to blow yourself up." He was worried about the continuing fighting as I was, but rather than put more into the relationship because of it he was becoming withdrawn and assuming that I wanted things to end.
There's a real communication issue between John and I, and it's not that we don't communicate. We actually both are fairly open with each other (in matters of the relationship we are in at least) and so by normalcy there shouldn't be any problems. However, we both seem to speak completely separate languages, or at least two opposing dialects. His perception of what truth, love, and humanity are are completely different from anything I've ever heard of. Which leads me to utter confusion. If the great thinkers of history (Plato, Aristotle, etc.) and modern thinkers, and anyone I've ever met or read or heard of all think one way, how am I supposed to come to terms with someone who thinks entirely different? I don't know exactly, but I am working on it. In most matters this difference is refreshing and thought provoking, however, in matters of what he perceives a lie to be - not telling someone you love them if you do, and what love is -- the act of not telling them would require a complete emotional shutdown... well, this leaves me perplexed. I understand it in the most simple terms. If someone says they love you, and you reply I don't you..that's a lie if you love them. However, if someone says they love you, and you reply with... nothing, or continue the conversation, or thank you, or aaww you're sweet or something I don't see that as a lie.
Regardless, I think we realized that we are each totally and one hundred percent right with the contexts we are able to understand and that we live our lives in. So, there isn't really an issue anymore. That being said, it would make my life much easier if he never told her he loved her again, or if he decided that she's not worth any trouble and just didn't contact her at all. I think that if I were to ever hear him say he loved her, or see it in writing to her... I would have a major internalized struggle. For, I do realize his perception and how he understands the situation, but that does not mean that I at all agree. In contexts I can understand, he is completely mistaken on the matter and it should never have been an issue. Oh well. We will either realize the differing perspectives and be okay with that as we are now, or (the better of the two) come to a compromise of perspectives naturally as we grow together.
In other news... OnPoint put an insurance policy on the Mazda themselves, so if they can take a look at the car then they'll possibly cover all of the loan minus 500 deductible. Also, if Clint and a notary sign something saying he was responsible for insurance and operating costs of the vehicle then my license won't be suspended. Hurray, right? Well, generally you would think so. However, Clint is being less than helpful so... I don't know. My next step is to contact an authoritative figure in his life and see what happens I suppose...
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Cycles and things
Wow, so I need to fix my sleep schedule for sure. Went to bed at... some time around 7pm and now I am up, seemingly for the 'day' which isn't really that long if it ends at 7 again. I went to Clint's house day before yesterday as I was close by and needing answers. He knew that he wasn't insured, no surprise there, and his license has already been suspended. Which is kind of even more confusing as to why they are going to suspend mine, but I don't think there's anything we can do about that. I told him what he needed to do to make sure that it didn't happen, and now I'm just giving him a few days to do so before broaching the subject again.
Everything has been slipping by with little to no division of time and space. Days roll into one another. With nothing to do, there's no definition. Night and Day are relative terms and I have no need for either. I count down the days until Chop Chop night (18 now), because it's the only regularity in my life. I need to make a schedule that I can stick to. Maybe do some working out with regularity and get in shape – I have nothing better to do. I've been sleeping more and more hours per day, drifting off out of boredom or pure exhaustion. I'm pretty sure that depression is in full force again.
I feel constantly tired, weak, and apathetic. I cannot feel anything, except, I found out, anger. With this hole in my body sucking the world into it without caring, without giving anything back – it's kind of scary. It's not like this is the first time I've felt this way, and I know that with time it will more than likely come to pass. It is very hard to go through day to day though. Every face I display I feel is riddled with holes, gaps that anyone can see through. I asked John to read my writings so that maybe he can understand, but he hasn't yet.
These things are hard to quantify and label as is, but orally, things are much worse. I am confined to happy, sad, good, bad; and there doesn't seem to be any room for gray areas, especially with John. He is either on or off, angry or calm, sweet or bitter. There isn't really any room for negotiation with someone who views the world this way. He once told me, love is love it's either there or it's not. He simply can't understand the way that I feel, then. He doesn't comprehend that I've loved people romantically before, but that the love I feel for him is deeper and more complete. For him, every love is just that... You know, I don't even know if I buy that explanation from him... Maybe it's just him not wanting to hurt me because I'm not the person he's felt the strongest about. I don't know.
That seems to be the theme of late. What do you want to do with your life? I don't know. What are you good at? I don't know. What does tomorrow hold, or better yet, today? I. Don't. Know.
I know that I am going to continue my education if I can. I know that I want to be a wife and a mother above anything else. I know that in order to make those dreams a reality I will need to forge a real career and that requires degrees. I know that an Associates Degree doesn't mean anything in this day and age, and that a Bachelor's barely means anything anymore either. Graduate programs, Masters, Doctorates – these are what set you apart from the every other slipping, sweaty mortal pulsating through existence.
With what I do know and what I don't seeming contradictory and confusing, well... here I am. I will probably get fucked over by Clint. I will probably fail at getting retribution. I will probably ruin my relationships with the people that I care about. I will probably fail at life just like so many millions working dead end jobs here and there to pay the rent. Sadly, this failure simply means conforming. I've failed to do so this far. I should already have a kid, be addicted to some substance or another and living in utter squalor. Those are the statistics, right? Child of abuse and teenage mothering actually succeeding to do something other than follow in her mother's footsteps? It's damn near unheard of, even with just the teenage mother and an otherwise middle class upbringing full of love and such.
Perhaps the cycle can be broken. The cycle of mental illness, abuse, neglect, unplanned pregnancies, and hate which riddle my family and America at large. Perhaps. At the moment things are looking down, so pessimistic views are nearly all I can see. I suppose, that things might all work out. Things might turn around, I might get a leg up. I've got a roof over my head, food to eat, and someone that loves me. It can't be too bad. I just wish that I could... truly feel.
Everything has been slipping by with little to no division of time and space. Days roll into one another. With nothing to do, there's no definition. Night and Day are relative terms and I have no need for either. I count down the days until Chop Chop night (18 now), because it's the only regularity in my life. I need to make a schedule that I can stick to. Maybe do some working out with regularity and get in shape – I have nothing better to do. I've been sleeping more and more hours per day, drifting off out of boredom or pure exhaustion. I'm pretty sure that depression is in full force again.
I feel constantly tired, weak, and apathetic. I cannot feel anything, except, I found out, anger. With this hole in my body sucking the world into it without caring, without giving anything back – it's kind of scary. It's not like this is the first time I've felt this way, and I know that with time it will more than likely come to pass. It is very hard to go through day to day though. Every face I display I feel is riddled with holes, gaps that anyone can see through. I asked John to read my writings so that maybe he can understand, but he hasn't yet.
These things are hard to quantify and label as is, but orally, things are much worse. I am confined to happy, sad, good, bad; and there doesn't seem to be any room for gray areas, especially with John. He is either on or off, angry or calm, sweet or bitter. There isn't really any room for negotiation with someone who views the world this way. He once told me, love is love it's either there or it's not. He simply can't understand the way that I feel, then. He doesn't comprehend that I've loved people romantically before, but that the love I feel for him is deeper and more complete. For him, every love is just that... You know, I don't even know if I buy that explanation from him... Maybe it's just him not wanting to hurt me because I'm not the person he's felt the strongest about. I don't know.
That seems to be the theme of late. What do you want to do with your life? I don't know. What are you good at? I don't know. What does tomorrow hold, or better yet, today? I. Don't. Know.
I know that I am going to continue my education if I can. I know that I want to be a wife and a mother above anything else. I know that in order to make those dreams a reality I will need to forge a real career and that requires degrees. I know that an Associates Degree doesn't mean anything in this day and age, and that a Bachelor's barely means anything anymore either. Graduate programs, Masters, Doctorates – these are what set you apart from the every other slipping, sweaty mortal pulsating through existence.
With what I do know and what I don't seeming contradictory and confusing, well... here I am. I will probably get fucked over by Clint. I will probably fail at getting retribution. I will probably ruin my relationships with the people that I care about. I will probably fail at life just like so many millions working dead end jobs here and there to pay the rent. Sadly, this failure simply means conforming. I've failed to do so this far. I should already have a kid, be addicted to some substance or another and living in utter squalor. Those are the statistics, right? Child of abuse and teenage mothering actually succeeding to do something other than follow in her mother's footsteps? It's damn near unheard of, even with just the teenage mother and an otherwise middle class upbringing full of love and such.
Perhaps the cycle can be broken. The cycle of mental illness, abuse, neglect, unplanned pregnancies, and hate which riddle my family and America at large. Perhaps. At the moment things are looking down, so pessimistic views are nearly all I can see. I suppose, that things might all work out. Things might turn around, I might get a leg up. I've got a roof over my head, food to eat, and someone that loves me. It can't be too bad. I just wish that I could... truly feel.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I'm fucked
My sleep schedule was totally fixed until I got bored and laid down with John. Boo! Oh well, not like there's anything needing me to have normalcy anyway.
Merrick is, like, damn near without a doubt male. Which leaves me kind of confused as to what to do. She'll always be a she. Well, those balls are getting chopped off eventually, so it'll be close enough. Do male cats have a kind of heat though, because she was obsessed with the licking and I just assumed she was cleaning up after the blood stuff from heat.
Clint is possibly the official worst ex of all time. The car we bought together for him was totaled. Not too terribly big of a deal normally. However, Clint didn't pay his insurance so was not covered. So, because of this and the fact that I am the primary on the car my license will be suspended as of July 24th. In addition to this, the insurance isn't going to be paying off the car loan, and it doesn't appear that Clint is either. I received something in the mail saying that there was a back due amount of 450 something and that they were reporting to the credit agencies. So, I'll have a suspended license, bad credit, and an $18,000+ debt which there is no way I can pay. To top it off I had to cover the last month I had my name on the electric policy for Clint because he neglected to do so, that's another $80, and I left the Internet on in his apartment in my name and he hasn't paid me for that yet which is another $105 in total. So basically the dick owes me $18,185 and then some. I have no idea how to proceed as he is neglecting to return or answer any of my contact attempts. Looks like I'm going to have to take him to court. Oh, joy. I'm not really sure how to proceed with this matter and am not sure that I would win in court because my name is the primary.
Apparently Emily sent John a super angry e-mail saying she hated him and never wanted to talk to him again a while ago. I am confused as to why John didn't tell me until now, but...eh. I am also ridiculously curious as to what she said, but even more so as to what his reply was. Knowing John, it was something gentle, kind, and comforting and she'll forget all the anger that she didn't really have any reason to be in the first place. However, if this time she's really finally gone from the picture then we can maybe move on. Although, again, these decisions being hers are not boding well for my opinion of John himself, which in turn negatively affects the relationship. I'm not going to ask to see it, as that would be overstepping the line I assume.
So I'm broke because I have no job, but things were starting to look up because John is going to start getting UI and we got food stamps and such. However, things can't be good apparently so now Clint has to take a shit on any happiness and joy I may have been able to achieve.
In short, Fuck My Life. Anyone know an awesome lawyer who wants to do a little pro bono work?
Merrick is, like, damn near without a doubt male. Which leaves me kind of confused as to what to do. She'll always be a she. Well, those balls are getting chopped off eventually, so it'll be close enough. Do male cats have a kind of heat though, because she was obsessed with the licking and I just assumed she was cleaning up after the blood stuff from heat.
Clint is possibly the official worst ex of all time. The car we bought together for him was totaled. Not too terribly big of a deal normally. However, Clint didn't pay his insurance so was not covered. So, because of this and the fact that I am the primary on the car my license will be suspended as of July 24th. In addition to this, the insurance isn't going to be paying off the car loan, and it doesn't appear that Clint is either. I received something in the mail saying that there was a back due amount of 450 something and that they were reporting to the credit agencies. So, I'll have a suspended license, bad credit, and an $18,000+ debt which there is no way I can pay. To top it off I had to cover the last month I had my name on the electric policy for Clint because he neglected to do so, that's another $80, and I left the Internet on in his apartment in my name and he hasn't paid me for that yet which is another $105 in total. So basically the dick owes me $18,185 and then some. I have no idea how to proceed as he is neglecting to return or answer any of my contact attempts. Looks like I'm going to have to take him to court. Oh, joy. I'm not really sure how to proceed with this matter and am not sure that I would win in court because my name is the primary.
Apparently Emily sent John a super angry e-mail saying she hated him and never wanted to talk to him again a while ago. I am confused as to why John didn't tell me until now, but...eh. I am also ridiculously curious as to what she said, but even more so as to what his reply was. Knowing John, it was something gentle, kind, and comforting and she'll forget all the anger that she didn't really have any reason to be in the first place. However, if this time she's really finally gone from the picture then we can maybe move on. Although, again, these decisions being hers are not boding well for my opinion of John himself, which in turn negatively affects the relationship. I'm not going to ask to see it, as that would be overstepping the line I assume.
So I'm broke because I have no job, but things were starting to look up because John is going to start getting UI and we got food stamps and such. However, things can't be good apparently so now Clint has to take a shit on any happiness and joy I may have been able to achieve.
In short, Fuck My Life. Anyone know an awesome lawyer who wants to do a little pro bono work?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
It's so Top Secret
John said something yesterday which didn't bug me at all then, but has since started to make me wonder. Corey, his best and arguably only friend, asked to speak with me when he and John where chatting on the phone. Before handing me the phone, John told Corey I was Clearance level zero. So, whatever, right? Had it been any other person I wouldn't have given it a second thought and would have assumed that it was just boys being silly or something to that effect at least. Well, it's not any other person, and that made me think. I should, as someone willing and wanting to spend the rest of my life with John, not only have more than no clearance, but be admitted to know more than Corey does about the goings on, thoughts, etc. in John's life past and present. I not only want this, but expect it as something which is naturally in place. In my life, John gets to know everything, not only about me, but about every person that I come into contact with. There is nothing that I would not share with him about my life, or the lives of my family and friends. He is my significant other, and despite time constraints – we are in a “serious” relationship here. If I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone, it should be with someone who is willing to share the very darkest and hidden corners of their mind and soul with me. There are somethings which people keep to themselves, and that is fine. If John has a need to keep something to himself, than it should be kept to himself. If it is something he can share with a friend, then it is something he can share with me. John is definitely one to try and beat around a subject, tell half stories with enough vagueness that you're confused about the general plot structure. I've noticed this, and begin to prob on occasion, but that doesn't get me anywhere other than slightly irritated and often more confused. I have learned through my breakup with Clint not to be too trusting. I understand that people will often not do things as they should. Still, I wouldn't hold it against John if he didn't want to take out a loan together, or have a bank account in both our names. These things are what screwed me over now, and I realize that they were mistakes. The only time to become so tied to someone is once you have said your vows, and even then it can be kind of risky.
I mention this, because I received a letter in the mail from the DMV saying that my license will be suspended as of the 24th because of the accident I was in. Of course, I wasn't in any accident, but Clint was and totaled the car which, while in both our names, was primarily mine according to documentation. The electric bill he didn't pay for his apartment is now transferred to my bill so I could start new services here. My grandmother has been called with collection agencies looking for Clint, I've been contacted because he's months behind on payments. It's all completely ridiculous and he's causing me way more trouble than he's worth.
In other news, we've got food stamps coming in now for 208 a month, which doesn't cover all of our estimated cost – but 2/3 of it hopefully will be plenty. As we over budgeted things like utility and electric costs as well, and my monthly minimum payments for the credit card are lessened too – we might just be okay. Timing might be off on some things, but everyone will get payed in time, probably. I still owe 400 and some change to PCC which I believe needs to be payed off before I get my diploma, or am able to get official transcripts. Which sucks, because I might not have the money needed to pay that off until I get Financial Aid/ Loans to go to PSU which won't happen unless I am able to send them my official transcripts. Catch 22, for the lose.
I think that the passion that was missing may be back... or at least it was night before last. Is it so wrong to want to feel wanted? I don't think so.
I mention this, because I received a letter in the mail from the DMV saying that my license will be suspended as of the 24th because of the accident I was in. Of course, I wasn't in any accident, but Clint was and totaled the car which, while in both our names, was primarily mine according to documentation. The electric bill he didn't pay for his apartment is now transferred to my bill so I could start new services here. My grandmother has been called with collection agencies looking for Clint, I've been contacted because he's months behind on payments. It's all completely ridiculous and he's causing me way more trouble than he's worth.
In other news, we've got food stamps coming in now for 208 a month, which doesn't cover all of our estimated cost – but 2/3 of it hopefully will be plenty. As we over budgeted things like utility and electric costs as well, and my monthly minimum payments for the credit card are lessened too – we might just be okay. Timing might be off on some things, but everyone will get payed in time, probably. I still owe 400 and some change to PCC which I believe needs to be payed off before I get my diploma, or am able to get official transcripts. Which sucks, because I might not have the money needed to pay that off until I get Financial Aid/ Loans to go to PSU which won't happen unless I am able to send them my official transcripts. Catch 22, for the lose.
I think that the passion that was missing may be back... or at least it was night before last. Is it so wrong to want to feel wanted? I don't think so.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Emotional infidelity and impasses
Well, here we are. I offered the bit of realization that we won't ever be content unless we stop talking to our exes to John and he refused. Not before trying to barter with other people in my life of course. I came to him and said that I wanted to make a deal – I stop all communication beyond necessity with Clint if he returned the favor with Emily. He told me that it wasn't a deal because he didn't care about Clint. Of course this made me want to explode with anger, call Clint and go out with him to dinner or something, because as much as John would like to say Clint doesn't bother him, I know otherwise. Rather than John taking that as an obvious sign of my distress he instead tried to tell me he'd cut Emily out if I cut out Shawnta, or Danielle. I guess I should have made that deal with Danielle since I haven't talked to her in ages and doubt I will. Some ties were stronger to the workplace than to the people I suppose, as much as I enjoy her company. Well, I suppose the communication between them existing wasn't really the problem anyway, not nearly as much as the type. So, I pleaded with him that he should keep talking with her, they are friends after all, but to keep the topics and such to a friendly and platonic level. Which, apparently is impossible between them – but I was trying. Anyway, he completely refuses. Not only does he completely refuse, but he makes up some bullshit about how if he never said he loved her than he'd be lying, and I don't want to date a liar, do I? So we counter back and forth and reach this complete impasse. I don't want him to say he loves her because he shouldn't express that love for an ex, even if he loves her more than myself. He refuses to stop saying he loves her because he feels it would be lying if she said she loved him and he ignored it. To me, this seems like the biggest fallacy I've ever heard of. You can love someone all you like and not tell them, it doesn't mean that you are lying. The level of inappropriateness between the two of them coupled with his fortitude and resolve to stand his ground to continue the level of such – hurt more than I think he'll ever know. Instead of talking with me about the situation, he turns to her. What. A. Surprise. So while I'm trying to converse with him about our issues, he's texting her. Which, based on the level of conversation that we were having was... oh I don't know, the worst thing he could have possibly done. After a bit, I leave the room astonished and hurt beyond all reason that he'd continue to do so. I'm sitting there, laying or whichever, crying and pouring my heart out to him and he's texting her. So I leave, go sit in the living room, pet Kitty and converse with him about the situation. So yes, I'm a crazy cat lady to an extent I suppose, but it helps to talk out loud to someone who can't break your heart. After a while I'm just sitting there brewing and getting worse and worse in my own mind so I go back into the bedroom and express this to John who kind of angrily says 'don't worry that was the last message I'm going to send.' So in my mind I'm thinking, thank goodness, it's over. I don't have to worry about all the insecurities, I don't have to worry about my boyfriend whom I love deeper and more than anyone ever before telling his ex girlfriend that he loves her –or telling her anything at all. I don't have to worry about every time we get in a fight or disagreement him running to her like he had been. Thank goodness, right? Yeah... I was wrong. I suppose that when things occur that seem beneficial to you, you should probably be skeptical, right? Because no one will ever love you. No one will ever truly put you above all others. No one will ever really be that rock you need to hold you up and never let you fall. I guess, sometime you just need to grow up and realize that nothing will ever be like it is in fairy-tales and movies. Well, in my naiveté I thought that it was. So I continued the night as such, and we had some good conversation about his school days and fights and things. Eventually I expressed to him how much he means to me. . . and he ignored it. So, according to his prior beliefs, that would mean he didn't feel the same. So there I am, heartbroken again. At least this time it's over something – which though devastating – is reasonable. At that point, it hadn't even been three months, so me telling him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and that I've never been more in love with anyone as I am with him and that he completes me or whatever, well, it could be too much to take in. So, I let it go and we go to sleep. The next day, we're watching a movie and I start to come on to him and he asks me what's up, what made me happy? So I tell him that since we don't have to worry about any of our past issues that we can move forward and be happy together. So he's confused and we realize the misunderstanding and the argument heats up once more. Eventually I give him an ultimatum, not one saying to choose me or her, or that she goes or I do... no, I would have lost him completely and utterly had I made that my stand. The stand I choose was me or telling her he loves her. I lost that stand. I've been hurt before, by … damn near everyone I've ever met I've been hurt. Perhaps I'm too sensitive and fragile, perhaps the world is simply full of fools, perhaps I have poor taste in guys or friends, or family. No one has ever picked something so trivial over me. My mom picked my dad over me, Jack picked Caitlin over me, Clint picked Jaime over me...and now, now I wasn't getting second place to a person even, I mean yes --- but not in the strictest sense. I was simply being added to the list of someone else's wants and desires, but not in first place where I longed to be. He quoted his morals, his core values of honesty. The bullshit that he still sticks to. Saying that when someone says they love you, they mean it as a question of “Do you love me?” So that not responding with yes, I love you too, would be to say no, I do not. Well, if it helps him sleep at night he can tell himself whatever crackpot of bullshit he likes, but.... let's carry on, shall we? I was crushed beyond crushing, broken beyond anything. I had made me stand, and figured odds were in my favor. After all the bull he'd fed me about me being his primary, the one for him, perfect, how he loved me so much – all of it pointless and nullified. Yet, in my own stubbornness and devotion to him, I couldn't keep up with my threats just then. I couldn't stand to have our relationship fail. I didn't know what to do, or where to turn. I thought of everything I could, every plea I could contrive, the multiple perspectives of the scenario all leading to one thing (assuming he'd been honest with me, that is) of him saying okay to my request. I begged with all my might, and still he remained resolute. I was further devastated by my own lack of control and poise in combination by continuous refusals by the man I love. I contacted Emily, explaining the situation and hoping that she would understand. Well, whether she did or not, she not only said she'd stop with the more than platonic affections, but that she'd drop out of his, our, life completely. Not at all what I wanted, but the best I could get I suppose. I was ridiculously disappointed at costing him a friend, but thought that at least our problems were solved.
Except that... it's not solved. It's like... a band aid for a bullet wound. Well, maybe like... some gauze and tape, but no stitches... oh I'm not good at metaphors apparently, but it's like this. . . The cause of our issues is gone, yes, but he should have wanted it to be gone. He shouldn't have been telling his ex that he loved her in the first place – not once I was his girlfriend at least. As he was, my request should have been met and complied with instantaneously, without qualms or fights. It should have gone like this... “Okay, I have a deal, I cut Clint completely out of my life, and you do the same for Emily.” “Well, I will if you want – but I'd rather not.” “Okay, well, at least don't tell you that you love her anymore?” “That I can do.” “Thank you.”
Or, something more poetic like... or not, but whatever. The gist of it is there. Instead there's this lingering in the back of my mind. Rather than rid me of insecurities as was the 'plan' I'm riddled with more now than before. When I don't ponder and reflect, everything is wonderful. He is and will remain the love of my life and the one I want to be with. He's still the same sweet, funny, considerate, amazing person as he was before and my love for him is unaffected by his transgressions against our relationship. I feel my heart overflow when I look at him, I long for the touch of his skin and would gladly spend the rest of my life with him in commitment today if I knew he felt the same for me as I do for him. The day that he feels like I am his best friend, the only lover he'll ever need, the light of his life, the person he loves above all others past and present and someone that completes his world...that will be the day I will walk with him into the courthouse and sign all the documents to make it official. Of course, I'd much rather have him just propose on the day he realizes that I am these things to him and, like, actually do it proper style --- or as proper as I can manage. I'm beginning to realize that some traditions just won't hold for me. Would it be so wrong for John and I to walk each other down the aisle? Probably. Eh, whatever. Well, we've pretty much been doing the same ol' same. No jobs, no money, no prospects in life. Living off of faith and love and trying to survive. Everything would be perfect between us, except for the lingering doubt I have because he wouldn't not tell her he loves her. If he had agreed when I asked, I'm not sure if anything would outwardly be different than it is now...but inwardly, very much so. I wouldn't doubt that he loves me above all other lovers he's been with, or people he meets. I feel like I will never be good enough for him. That he will always hold on to past relationships for comparison, and that I may meet them, but will never beat them. I feel like I will never be the person he can say he loved more than any other person he'd ever met. I will never be the person that swept him off his feet and kept him there like others failed to do.
What's worse, I think, than that? I know this, that I will never be more in his mind than any past love, and still as long as he considered me his best friend and would remain faithful to me – I'd still marry him. Even though that would mean that his soul mate is still out there somewhere, even if it kept him from ever meeting her. While in most cases I wish John the best, and would give up my own happiness to make him happy – on this point I am sure I would fail in my moral resolve. To keep him in my life I would forsake him the love of his. That sounds ridiculously messed up now that I've written it down, but...that's just how it is.
So, while I do not forgive him – I do my best to forget. Maybe someday I will forgive him. The more probable case is I simply stop caring about Emily and that he chose her, because he has been with me long enough for it to be mute. That isn't now, and I don't think it will be soon, but I do think that it will be someday. I hope I can forget how he made me feel, that he broke my heart while swearing to protect it. I hope I can forget how he told me that he will be mine as long as I want nothing and no one more than him – and was a hypocrite to his own beliefs. Where's the moral code in that? I'd give up a lot of interactions with others, regardless of how I felt about them rather than be a hypocrite like that on a matter of utmost importance to the person I was supposed to be dedicated to.
There I go again. Raw wounds still, though time has passed enough for him to have forgotten. I hope they do not remain raw too much longer, for they pain me so.
Except that... it's not solved. It's like... a band aid for a bullet wound. Well, maybe like... some gauze and tape, but no stitches... oh I'm not good at metaphors apparently, but it's like this. . . The cause of our issues is gone, yes, but he should have wanted it to be gone. He shouldn't have been telling his ex that he loved her in the first place – not once I was his girlfriend at least. As he was, my request should have been met and complied with instantaneously, without qualms or fights. It should have gone like this... “Okay, I have a deal, I cut Clint completely out of my life, and you do the same for Emily.” “Well, I will if you want – but I'd rather not.” “Okay, well, at least don't tell you that you love her anymore?” “That I can do.” “Thank you.”
Or, something more poetic like... or not, but whatever. The gist of it is there. Instead there's this lingering in the back of my mind. Rather than rid me of insecurities as was the 'plan' I'm riddled with more now than before. When I don't ponder and reflect, everything is wonderful. He is and will remain the love of my life and the one I want to be with. He's still the same sweet, funny, considerate, amazing person as he was before and my love for him is unaffected by his transgressions against our relationship. I feel my heart overflow when I look at him, I long for the touch of his skin and would gladly spend the rest of my life with him in commitment today if I knew he felt the same for me as I do for him. The day that he feels like I am his best friend, the only lover he'll ever need, the light of his life, the person he loves above all others past and present and someone that completes his world...that will be the day I will walk with him into the courthouse and sign all the documents to make it official. Of course, I'd much rather have him just propose on the day he realizes that I am these things to him and, like, actually do it proper style --- or as proper as I can manage. I'm beginning to realize that some traditions just won't hold for me. Would it be so wrong for John and I to walk each other down the aisle? Probably. Eh, whatever. Well, we've pretty much been doing the same ol' same. No jobs, no money, no prospects in life. Living off of faith and love and trying to survive. Everything would be perfect between us, except for the lingering doubt I have because he wouldn't not tell her he loves her. If he had agreed when I asked, I'm not sure if anything would outwardly be different than it is now...but inwardly, very much so. I wouldn't doubt that he loves me above all other lovers he's been with, or people he meets. I feel like I will never be good enough for him. That he will always hold on to past relationships for comparison, and that I may meet them, but will never beat them. I feel like I will never be the person he can say he loved more than any other person he'd ever met. I will never be the person that swept him off his feet and kept him there like others failed to do.
What's worse, I think, than that? I know this, that I will never be more in his mind than any past love, and still as long as he considered me his best friend and would remain faithful to me – I'd still marry him. Even though that would mean that his soul mate is still out there somewhere, even if it kept him from ever meeting her. While in most cases I wish John the best, and would give up my own happiness to make him happy – on this point I am sure I would fail in my moral resolve. To keep him in my life I would forsake him the love of his. That sounds ridiculously messed up now that I've written it down, but...that's just how it is.
So, while I do not forgive him – I do my best to forget. Maybe someday I will forgive him. The more probable case is I simply stop caring about Emily and that he chose her, because he has been with me long enough for it to be mute. That isn't now, and I don't think it will be soon, but I do think that it will be someday. I hope I can forget how he made me feel, that he broke my heart while swearing to protect it. I hope I can forget how he told me that he will be mine as long as I want nothing and no one more than him – and was a hypocrite to his own beliefs. Where's the moral code in that? I'd give up a lot of interactions with others, regardless of how I felt about them rather than be a hypocrite like that on a matter of utmost importance to the person I was supposed to be dedicated to.
There I go again. Raw wounds still, though time has passed enough for him to have forgotten. I hope they do not remain raw too much longer, for they pain me so.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
As Long As You're Mine, I'll take that jump
If it is human nature only, that doesn't make it any less confusing. How can you be so cold and then try to fall into place as my best friend again? I can't help but wonder if it is the realization that I've moved on. Maybe you envisioned me alone waiting for you patiently as I felt I would do. That's not the case, however. Yet... it was wonderful to hear your voice. The timber echoing with your laugh. It's a laugh I haven't heard in ages and it feels so right to be hearing it. Humans are creatures of sentiment - yes, I know. Honestly... fuck... I can't trust myself in the situations that I may have been put in. Main reason I didn't go. I don't know what I'd be capable of seeing through intuition and reading him in the situation. I don't know what I'd be able to avoid. Most of all... I don't know how I feel about him anymore.
I know that I cannot be with him. I want you and all that you are. I cannot imagine anything that I want more. There's still this part of me that has him as the person that I'll end up with. It's so fucked up and I can't even rationalize it. I can't even begin to think about it for I don't want to sit here and cry whilst pulling out my hair at work.
Did he just want a reaction? For me to be sitting here like I am. He knows me well enough to know that it wasn't going to happen. He knows me all too well. I suppose his guilt trips and eagerness affected me as he wanted.
I know now that you'll be worrying about everything. As I have faith in you, please keep your faith in me. Know that I will not lie to you or keep things hidden from you. Know that you can trust me to not falter from this. I've held you as mine for quite sometime, you've completely stolen my heart for your own. I am yours, as long as you'll have me I'll be no others in any respect. Please know that it is just my ... I don't know, sentiment? That's not even right... I have no idea what it is.
I know I love you so that it scares me. I don't want to get hurt and I know now that it's unavoidable. I've tried to keep myself detached as much as possible. Yes, that's beyond fucked up - but it's true. I've tried to make sure that I would be okay with you leaving, with us ending. I've tried to make sure that you wouldn't get into the inner chambers of my heart so that I could be safe from your nomad lifestyle and seemingly fleeting desires.
For someone to be your primary - you need the proximity of them and them not to push you away. The thing is, she never did. She may have wanted Virginia more, but she didn't push you away. She was willing to do what it took to keep you. So how on Earth can you say that she didn't want you? That she was done? The whole situation with her - the husband, the other girl the cheating and haphazardness of it all... it just is so fucked up I can't fathom it. Yet, you seem .... okay with it all.
This will be my biggest insecurity in this. You know it, whoever reads these stupid things knows it. It is not enough to keep from being with you, from wanting you as much as I do. However, it might make me reserved a bit more.
It felt so weird to tell him. . . Yes, I have a boyfriend. Yes, I love him. It was like a ... heat came over me and my stomach got this hollow feeling my heart sunk into. It doesn't make any sense! I hate myself. For everything. For not being strong enough to hold myself together, for having those fleeting thoughts, for letting you down, for not being like I should, for holding myself back, for not being what you need.
I realized that my 5..4.. I don't know year anniversary would have been three days ago. Had we had enough funds and things we would have been getting married... wow. Yeah, I don't know... I passed the day in an uneventful way, and without incident.
Can a heart have two parallel desires? I've argued no, I've argued yes. I told you no, it can't. Truth is, it might be possible. It'd be easier to tell if I knew what my parallel desires were.
Right now I only know that I want to be in your arms, I want to feel your hands wrapped around me, I want your lips on mine. I could spend an eternity staring into your eyes and drinking you in. I want you to tell me that I am yours and you are mine and that nothing and no one will ever come between that. I want that to be true. I wish that there wasn't that damned shadow lurking over every one of my actions. It's been there the whole time, and you mentioned you felt it too. What is it? Why is it? More importantly, how do we kill it? Do we just continue on our path, our way, and it will dissipate over time?
I'm glad that there's not any bugs coming in because I can't stop writing. Stopping might equal explosions of brain matter on the cubicle walls. The squitten sure would get a treat.
I want to read the letter you wrote. Although, perhaps you never will show it. You had it done only to revise. I can only imagine that another and another will be done. Perhaps because of this, perhaps not.
You know my insecurities... I found it so .. strange that you wanted to know so bad. Mayhap it was just you trying to get a full understanding of who I am. Knowing someone's weakness is a definite part of knowing them. I only know that you don't like the Willamette River. That enough dairy in a quick enough time has a chance of wrecking you. You have no insecurities about yourself. Not that you should, you're beautiful and amazing.
I don't deserve the person that you are and the potential person you will become. I don't. I am fickle, I am flighty, I am flaky and unkind. I try so hard to be a good person - but I'm not. I am nothing that I try to be, that I admire. I have faith in humanity, maybe this is my only saving grace. I guess I've fucked humanity over if your faith in us rested on me, huh? I feel self destructive and apathetic. In the same breath I feel like putting on my highest guard and hoping the waves of the world miss me because I'm bursting with my own emotions.
I want you. Just so you know. Just so you can't leave me thinking that I want something else more, that I don't really want you. I don't think you can since you say that you can't read me and all. Does that mean I get to keep you? I want to. I...
and then this song plays... okay... this song in context is what let me know that it was okay to go on a limb and be with you, love you. Just for this moment....
As Long As You're Mine
KISS ME TOO FIERCELY
HOLD ME TOO TIGHT
I NEED HELP BELIEVING
YOU'RE WITH ME TONIGHT
MY WILDEST DREAMINGS
COULD NOT FORESEE
LYING BESIDE YOU
WITH YOU WANTING ME
JUST FOR THIS MOMENT
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
I'VE LOST ALL RESISTANCE
AND CROSSED SOME BORDERLINE
AND IF IT TURNS OUT
IT'S OVER TOO FAST
I'LL MAKE EV'RY LAST MOMENT LAST
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE…
MAYBE I'M BRAINLESS
MAYBE I'M WISE
BUT YOU'VE GOT ME SEEING
THROUGH DIFFERENT EYES
SOMEHOW I'VE FALLEN
UNDER YOUR SPELL
AND SOMEHOW I'M FEELING
IT'S "UP" THAT I FELL ...
EVERY MOMENT
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
I'LL WAKE UP MY BODY
AND MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME...
SAY THERE'S NO FUTURE
FOR US AS A PAIR ...
AND THOUGH I MAY KNOW
I DON'T CARE …
JUST FOR THIS MOMENT
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
COME BE HOW YOU WANT TO
AND SEE HOW BRIGHT WE SHINE
BORROW THE MOONLIGHT
UNTIL IT IS THROUGH
AND KNOW I'LL BE HERE HOLDING YOU
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE...
I know that I cannot be with him. I want you and all that you are. I cannot imagine anything that I want more. There's still this part of me that has him as the person that I'll end up with. It's so fucked up and I can't even rationalize it. I can't even begin to think about it for I don't want to sit here and cry whilst pulling out my hair at work.
Did he just want a reaction? For me to be sitting here like I am. He knows me well enough to know that it wasn't going to happen. He knows me all too well. I suppose his guilt trips and eagerness affected me as he wanted.
I know now that you'll be worrying about everything. As I have faith in you, please keep your faith in me. Know that I will not lie to you or keep things hidden from you. Know that you can trust me to not falter from this. I've held you as mine for quite sometime, you've completely stolen my heart for your own. I am yours, as long as you'll have me I'll be no others in any respect. Please know that it is just my ... I don't know, sentiment? That's not even right... I have no idea what it is.
I know I love you so that it scares me. I don't want to get hurt and I know now that it's unavoidable. I've tried to keep myself detached as much as possible. Yes, that's beyond fucked up - but it's true. I've tried to make sure that I would be okay with you leaving, with us ending. I've tried to make sure that you wouldn't get into the inner chambers of my heart so that I could be safe from your nomad lifestyle and seemingly fleeting desires.
For someone to be your primary - you need the proximity of them and them not to push you away. The thing is, she never did. She may have wanted Virginia more, but she didn't push you away. She was willing to do what it took to keep you. So how on Earth can you say that she didn't want you? That she was done? The whole situation with her - the husband, the other girl the cheating and haphazardness of it all... it just is so fucked up I can't fathom it. Yet, you seem .... okay with it all.
This will be my biggest insecurity in this. You know it, whoever reads these stupid things knows it. It is not enough to keep from being with you, from wanting you as much as I do. However, it might make me reserved a bit more.
It felt so weird to tell him. . . Yes, I have a boyfriend. Yes, I love him. It was like a ... heat came over me and my stomach got this hollow feeling my heart sunk into. It doesn't make any sense! I hate myself. For everything. For not being strong enough to hold myself together, for having those fleeting thoughts, for letting you down, for not being like I should, for holding myself back, for not being what you need.
I realized that my 5..4.. I don't know year anniversary would have been three days ago. Had we had enough funds and things we would have been getting married... wow. Yeah, I don't know... I passed the day in an uneventful way, and without incident.
Can a heart have two parallel desires? I've argued no, I've argued yes. I told you no, it can't. Truth is, it might be possible. It'd be easier to tell if I knew what my parallel desires were.
Right now I only know that I want to be in your arms, I want to feel your hands wrapped around me, I want your lips on mine. I could spend an eternity staring into your eyes and drinking you in. I want you to tell me that I am yours and you are mine and that nothing and no one will ever come between that. I want that to be true. I wish that there wasn't that damned shadow lurking over every one of my actions. It's been there the whole time, and you mentioned you felt it too. What is it? Why is it? More importantly, how do we kill it? Do we just continue on our path, our way, and it will dissipate over time?
I'm glad that there's not any bugs coming in because I can't stop writing. Stopping might equal explosions of brain matter on the cubicle walls. The squitten sure would get a treat.
I want to read the letter you wrote. Although, perhaps you never will show it. You had it done only to revise. I can only imagine that another and another will be done. Perhaps because of this, perhaps not.
You know my insecurities... I found it so .. strange that you wanted to know so bad. Mayhap it was just you trying to get a full understanding of who I am. Knowing someone's weakness is a definite part of knowing them. I only know that you don't like the Willamette River. That enough dairy in a quick enough time has a chance of wrecking you. You have no insecurities about yourself. Not that you should, you're beautiful and amazing.
I don't deserve the person that you are and the potential person you will become. I don't. I am fickle, I am flighty, I am flaky and unkind. I try so hard to be a good person - but I'm not. I am nothing that I try to be, that I admire. I have faith in humanity, maybe this is my only saving grace. I guess I've fucked humanity over if your faith in us rested on me, huh? I feel self destructive and apathetic. In the same breath I feel like putting on my highest guard and hoping the waves of the world miss me because I'm bursting with my own emotions.
I want you. Just so you know. Just so you can't leave me thinking that I want something else more, that I don't really want you. I don't think you can since you say that you can't read me and all. Does that mean I get to keep you? I want to. I...
and then this song plays... okay... this song in context is what let me know that it was okay to go on a limb and be with you, love you. Just for this moment....
As Long As You're Mine
KISS ME TOO FIERCELY
HOLD ME TOO TIGHT
I NEED HELP BELIEVING
YOU'RE WITH ME TONIGHT
MY WILDEST DREAMINGS
COULD NOT FORESEE
LYING BESIDE YOU
WITH YOU WANTING ME
JUST FOR THIS MOMENT
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
I'VE LOST ALL RESISTANCE
AND CROSSED SOME BORDERLINE
AND IF IT TURNS OUT
IT'S OVER TOO FAST
I'LL MAKE EV'RY LAST MOMENT LAST
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE…
MAYBE I'M BRAINLESS
MAYBE I'M WISE
BUT YOU'VE GOT ME SEEING
THROUGH DIFFERENT EYES
SOMEHOW I'VE FALLEN
UNDER YOUR SPELL
AND SOMEHOW I'M FEELING
IT'S "UP" THAT I FELL ...
EVERY MOMENT
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
I'LL WAKE UP MY BODY
AND MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME...
SAY THERE'S NO FUTURE
FOR US AS A PAIR ...
AND THOUGH I MAY KNOW
I DON'T CARE …
JUST FOR THIS MOMENT
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
COME BE HOW YOU WANT TO
AND SEE HOW BRIGHT WE SHINE
BORROW THE MOONLIGHT
UNTIL IT IS THROUGH
AND KNOW I'LL BE HERE HOLDING YOU
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE...
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
ramble ramble.
I have a sinking sensation in my chest. This is going to end. I have a very strong realization - I don't want it to. I really, really don't. I - despite everything - am in love. I know that it's soon - too soon to feel this way. To feel like I do for someone in all honesty I barely know. It may have been a giant jump off of the tallest mountain to feel this way - to do what I have been doing, but really, I don't care. He is the most amazing person I think I've ever met. I don't think that it makes much sense all of this. I can't figure it out, and that scares me.
I realized that after everything I will always love Clint. I don't want to, but I do. I am by no means in love with him. I realize every day that he wasn't good for me, that he couldn't be what I need in a man, couldn't give me what I seek in a relationship. He was a major part of my life, he helped make me who I am - and we did have a lot of amazing, wonderful times. Perhaps that is why it hurts so much to see him disheveled and to have him be such a ... prickish bastard. I don't even know if words can describe the crapiness he has shown to me over the past. Yet, I think it may be in part that my new boyfriend and I showed up at his apartment to take his things from him. Still... I want my Wii god damn it!
I feel like curling up and crying. I don't understand why. I don't understand this impression of ever coming doom that is consuming me. I am curious as how to define what love is as well. How do you define something that is unexplainable? Like how you know that God is there - how to describe the wind, or light.
I know that I want to be with him, I know that the way he smiles melts me. I know that he is intriguing, fantastic, chivalrous, considerate, passionate and unique. I know that everything he does seems brilliant and that the touch of his hand sends shivers down my spine. I know that I am becoming increasingly...protective I suppose you could say... over him - but that I will try not to let him see it. I want to make him happy, and know that he makes me happy. I want to be someone who makes him feel like humanity is worth fighting for - that there isn't reason to lose hope. I love the time we spend together - it is more often than not the highlight of my day. I feel undeserving of this. Love? As defined by some - yes, and it would be what I think as well.
I am afraid of the consequences of this. Of me putting my heart on the line only to get it smashed to smithereens later down the road. Of course he says he won't hurt me - as long as I want him he's mine. Well... I can only imagine he's whispered the same sweet nothings to people he's left broken before. However, I can say that - for the time being and foreseeable future - I do share the sentiment. Even so... it may be the stress of monies, and school, and life getting in the way. Maybe. Or, I am just in a state of hormonal imbalance - eh, who knows?
With so much falling apart - for every relationship ended I feel more despair. I can feel the pain of every broken heart sometimes. I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to find their soul mate and live happily ever after in some mystical land. I want every child to have a warm, loving home and reach their full and utmost potential. I wish so much for the world, even though I know it will never come to be. These bubbles and fantasies should end when the world becomes real to you. I am slightly jaded in that I learned too much of the real world too quickly in my life. How is it, then, that I still have these fantasies of youth? The wish for a ... happy quiet life. For a decent job where I can affect the youth of the nation and help them become the best they can be, a loving man to hold me - a couple children in the yard. I don't know - dreams change and fluctuate, but one thing I long for is completeness. A chance to make a difference.
Okay, so I have no idea if any of this made sense. Just drank pint o' bum wine. In summation (or apparent summation) I feel sad, but it doesn't make sense. I love him but it shouldn't be by societal standards. Fuck society's standards. And... something or other. Kittens are cute. Halle Berry + Hugh Jackman = sexy lady + sexy man = sexy mcsexerson.
Teh end? Fuck if I know. Strong feeling that sobriety will equal deletions and edits. Hmm. Oh vell!
I realized that after everything I will always love Clint. I don't want to, but I do. I am by no means in love with him. I realize every day that he wasn't good for me, that he couldn't be what I need in a man, couldn't give me what I seek in a relationship. He was a major part of my life, he helped make me who I am - and we did have a lot of amazing, wonderful times. Perhaps that is why it hurts so much to see him disheveled and to have him be such a ... prickish bastard. I don't even know if words can describe the crapiness he has shown to me over the past. Yet, I think it may be in part that my new boyfriend and I showed up at his apartment to take his things from him. Still... I want my Wii god damn it!
I feel like curling up and crying. I don't understand why. I don't understand this impression of ever coming doom that is consuming me. I am curious as how to define what love is as well. How do you define something that is unexplainable? Like how you know that God is there - how to describe the wind, or light.
I know that I want to be with him, I know that the way he smiles melts me. I know that he is intriguing, fantastic, chivalrous, considerate, passionate and unique. I know that everything he does seems brilliant and that the touch of his hand sends shivers down my spine. I know that I am becoming increasingly...protective I suppose you could say... over him - but that I will try not to let him see it. I want to make him happy, and know that he makes me happy. I want to be someone who makes him feel like humanity is worth fighting for - that there isn't reason to lose hope. I love the time we spend together - it is more often than not the highlight of my day. I feel undeserving of this. Love? As defined by some - yes, and it would be what I think as well.
I am afraid of the consequences of this. Of me putting my heart on the line only to get it smashed to smithereens later down the road. Of course he says he won't hurt me - as long as I want him he's mine. Well... I can only imagine he's whispered the same sweet nothings to people he's left broken before. However, I can say that - for the time being and foreseeable future - I do share the sentiment. Even so... it may be the stress of monies, and school, and life getting in the way. Maybe. Or, I am just in a state of hormonal imbalance - eh, who knows?
With so much falling apart - for every relationship ended I feel more despair. I can feel the pain of every broken heart sometimes. I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to find their soul mate and live happily ever after in some mystical land. I want every child to have a warm, loving home and reach their full and utmost potential. I wish so much for the world, even though I know it will never come to be. These bubbles and fantasies should end when the world becomes real to you. I am slightly jaded in that I learned too much of the real world too quickly in my life. How is it, then, that I still have these fantasies of youth? The wish for a ... happy quiet life. For a decent job where I can affect the youth of the nation and help them become the best they can be, a loving man to hold me - a couple children in the yard. I don't know - dreams change and fluctuate, but one thing I long for is completeness. A chance to make a difference.
Okay, so I have no idea if any of this made sense. Just drank pint o' bum wine. In summation (or apparent summation) I feel sad, but it doesn't make sense. I love him but it shouldn't be by societal standards. Fuck society's standards. And... something or other. Kittens are cute. Halle Berry + Hugh Jackman = sexy lady + sexy man = sexy mcsexerson.
Teh end? Fuck if I know. Strong feeling that sobriety will equal deletions and edits. Hmm. Oh vell!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Wow
"And just for this moment/ As long as you're mine/ I've lost all resistance /And crossed some border line/ And if it turns out/ It's over too fast/ I'll make every last moment last/ As long as you're mine."
Aaah Wicked, you were so absolutely appropriate! The Glinda was gorgeous and amazing and wow the whole cast was fantastic! I cannot even believe the gorgeousness of the entire production, the plot and such. It was amazingly about love and friendship and life and such. Brittany's mom thought Portland was scary - but I soon showed her it wasn't. . . The nice parts around Keller at least.
How I describe the past couple days of my life? Chop chopping, cliff jumping, awkwardness with baa tommy, cheap wine, temptation to jump off a cliff myself.
Brittany tells me that I should jump - and fall or get caught or whatever will happen. Part of me wants to do so. The other part is terrified of this all, and doesn't want to be "tied down." I don't feel tied down with him - but who knows. I might feel guilty for having flirtatious eye sex with cute asians on the max if I was officially his 'girl.' Then again, maybe not.
Clint apparently called me last night at midnight. He said 'oh, hey, i am so sorry for not being in touch. please give me a call.' I don't care, is this odd? I just want to go - get my stuff, and move into Az's. Oh, Az by the way I am so doing that. Subletting. We'll figure it out with moving, I'm sure. I may not be able to give you more than half - but I'll do my best.
Brittany says it's only awkward if you make it awkward. I am following her advice for my own convenience. Chue just needs to get the gonads, etc. Anyway Brit's gonna dye my hair because Brittany, Sam, and I are all dying our hair the same color. teehee.
I think I love you too, but I won't say it until I know for certain.
Aaah Wicked, you were so absolutely appropriate! The Glinda was gorgeous and amazing and wow the whole cast was fantastic! I cannot even believe the gorgeousness of the entire production, the plot and such. It was amazingly about love and friendship and life and such. Brittany's mom thought Portland was scary - but I soon showed her it wasn't. . . The nice parts around Keller at least.
How I describe the past couple days of my life? Chop chopping, cliff jumping, awkwardness with baa tommy, cheap wine, temptation to jump off a cliff myself.
Brittany tells me that I should jump - and fall or get caught or whatever will happen. Part of me wants to do so. The other part is terrified of this all, and doesn't want to be "tied down." I don't feel tied down with him - but who knows. I might feel guilty for having flirtatious eye sex with cute asians on the max if I was officially his 'girl.' Then again, maybe not.
Clint apparently called me last night at midnight. He said 'oh, hey, i am so sorry for not being in touch. please give me a call.' I don't care, is this odd? I just want to go - get my stuff, and move into Az's. Oh, Az by the way I am so doing that. Subletting. We'll figure it out with moving, I'm sure. I may not be able to give you more than half - but I'll do my best.
Brittany says it's only awkward if you make it awkward. I am following her advice for my own convenience. Chue just needs to get the gonads, etc. Anyway Brit's gonna dye my hair because Brittany, Sam, and I are all dying our hair the same color. teehee.
I think I love you too, but I won't say it until I know for certain.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Even though I should be sleeping
I know, I know, I should be sleeping. I shouldn't have gone out with my Asians. I should have done my homework, I should have found a way to stay awake. Well - yes all these things are true. However, I decided to play the selfish card and go get books and pizza.
I find it strange how he can make me forget. Forget that I have a five page paper due tomorrow night and a Biology test on Monday. Forget that she's waiting at home with a broken heart. Forget that my heart had ever been shattered. Forget that I'm self conscious, that I'm broken, that my baggage weighs a million pounds. Some of the forgetting I like, lost in conversation or the accidental touch of his hand. Some of the forgetting I forget that I need to remember. Delicate-ness. I can't believe I am 'that girl' or as I so eloquently stated when I was in her place; 'that fucking whore.'
I try to trick myself into thinking that somehow, because it's me - and I don't mean any harm - that it's different. Yeah, no. Just because there hasn't been a breech of physicality necessarily doesn't mean that emotional transgressions (usually worse) haven't taken place. It doesn't make it any better that if I could, I'd sacrifice whatever there might be brewing to make her not have to feel like I know she does.
I do understand a lot better the actions that transpired during my own epic and awful breakup. I hate him slightly less, perhaps. To be honest, I haven't really thought of him lately. I mean in a - that reminds me of that time when I, kind of way - yes, but not like...before. I know now that maybe he did really care and sat there confused and perplexed and saddened not knowing the right things to say to let me know that he still loved me but we were done. I don't know... it makes me feel marginally better to think that.
I love being a treasure troll. The fact that this came out of the duct work. I believe the expression is, is strange, but cool. Like Az being one of my bestest friends - who woulda thunk it? Not us, that's for sure - but it works, I think. Perhaps this will work to, perhaps not. I might just crumple under the drama and second guessing myself and feeling like a whorish home wrecker. At the moment, I am having fun. I am going to ride with the current of life and let things slide into whatever place they see fit.
Friday, March 6, 2009
details and things
I don't actually remember very many details. I know that cuddling between Nate and John was oddly comforting, and that John's hair smelled good. I know all of the things in my prior post. There were movies and nom food. People hitting on me, and marking their territory or something. For those people that were my wonderful cock blockers, love! Drinking and not vomiting. Staying up talking -for hours, and hours, and then some - about random things and giggling like school girls. Or I giggled like one at least. Hugs and nuggles. Sleeping for a half an hour and then eating french toast before going to work and downing some Viso. I honestly cannot express with the English or any other language the plethora of emotions and love and confusion that passed over me in these past 24 hours. Since this is life behind the mask, there is no mask. I am confused by the things I feel and my extreme need to rationalize them and ride them off. Granted, it more than likely is irrationality - and the mild bonding over such things isn't a great foundation for anything, really. Not like anything would exist for a substantial amount of time anyway. I am still broken and jaded. I am however, feeling... different about things. Like - beginning to realize that it's really over between Clint and I. It hurts - a lot, but it's kind of liberating in the same respect. I can really do, see, be, whatever, whomever, wherever I want. I can find a guy -- eventually --who can love and accept me just as I am, and understand my oddness and gaiety.
At the moment, I'm going to drink each day the best I can, I hope it tastes sweet. I am going to love those around me that surround me with their love. I am going to devote myself to me, and in doing so, those that I love will benefit (I think that's how it works, right?). I will do my best to be honest, to be open, to be loyal, and to be kind. I will do my best to be your friend, your confidant, your crying shoulder. I will always be there for a hug... as long as you don't creep me out too much. :-P
Smiles and sunshine to all who are here or have come to pass,
Stephanie M. Lukas
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
It's the fourth of March
Today wasn't all bad. There were some genuinely good moments, which, honestly has been hard for me lately.
Biology Lab. I have 102.6% yeah, not much to complain about there. We got a study group together to study for our Bio Lecture Final which is coming up sooner than I'd like to think about. Also coming up sooner than I'd like: English Final Essay of mass, and Speech Final Speech of persuasion.
The study group girls invited me to lunch, to which I declined since Clint had made plans with me. Turns out his plans included his girlfriend, and not me or something. Asshole. Went to a fairly cool lunch with study group girls. They both are in long term relationships. That hurt a little.
When I got home I dinked off for a bit and took a nap. When I woke up I called Clint and then went over to his apartment. Merrick is actually a cat now, so that's a plus. The apartment is absolutely disgustingly dirty. I mean, WWIII times wow. However, hanging out with my kitties and just chatting was pretty lovely. God I miss the good times we had!
He got called into work early, but sort of lost track of time speaking with such a lovely character as myself and was running late. I went to his dad's house to let out Jib (the dog). I probably shouln't have, but, I love his dad - and Jib is awesome, so ... eh?
I am getting stressed out about my Speech assignment! It's a 7-9 minute speech trying to persuade the class to do something. I am going to persuade them to read to children. It is something everyone should do, and I'm sure there's data to back me up. There is, right? I sure hope so.
Also stressing me out: Money, School in general, choosing which school to go to in the fall, job, home for kitties if Clint doesn't take them, the kitties' overall well being, finding a place to live myself. Then the general I still love Clint and want him back thing. Well, I don't want him back - the him he is now. I'd like the him I had like.. a year ago would be perfect, but I'd settle for 6 months ago. Oh, and the dying alone and that all my friends hate me, but what else is new?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I can write a blog!
So, I realized that I haven't been keeping my journal up to date. It's actually sitting underneath my lamp, which sits on top of my table...which is at the apartment Clint and I once shared. That whole real life pen and paper thing is awesome, but not very transferable.
He's still the one that I want to be with, even after everything he's done to me. I don't think that I could be with him now. He flat out doesn't deserve me. That's such a lie, but I hope that I'd make him work for it. I'm not something to toss around and leave at the wayside. I'm totally making up words, aren't I?
I was reading Az's blog andtachos and realized, fuck. Not only can a blog be ridiculously entertaining, putting your feelings out there in more than just 140 characters can be a very cleansing thing. Or healing, or... whatever term you choose to use there to represent good.
There's been so much drama in my life lately which I've just kind of been leaking out to whoever would listen. I've probably alienated most of the people I call friends, and yet I don't think the drama train is stopping any time soon. I can't believe that Clint and I have been broken up for two months already. It feels like just yesterday I was able to wake up beside him in the morning and cuddle and get kisses. Having someone to be there, just...exist is so absolutely amazing and I am so broken without it.
I can't help but blame myself, even though I know I shouldn't. I think, maybe...just maybe. If I hadn't been pressuring the marriage thing, if I'd just taken a 'We'll see what happens.' attitude, that we'd still be together. I'm only 20 years old for fucks sake. Sure, we'd been together for 4 years, but I wasn't really ready for all that marriage stuff, was I?
He's still the one that I want to be with, even after everything he's done to me. I don't think that I could be with him now. He flat out doesn't deserve me. That's such a lie, but I hope that I'd make him work for it. I'm not something to toss around and leave at the wayside. I'm totally making up words, aren't I?
Either way, I'm laying here in bed, now crying my eyes out, and it's getting late. I'll be sure to keep in touch with my...self I guess. Non-existent readers, good night.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
I'm addicted to the SIMs
Yeah, I am definitely addicted to a computer game. The SIMs. Yep. I played for two and a half hours without even blinking. Sheesh. I guess it's just a waste of paper ... writing that, but I have to write or draw... something artistic. The death of my great grandma is still on my mind, but more so in remembering good times in a happy state of mind. I'm so delighted that I received a journal, I love to keep track, then reread. I have one so far completed, just a spiral. I started another one, but lost it, somehow. I'll probably (hopefully) find it at a later point in time. But I wouldn't write in it if I did... so, I don't really know what would be the point in that. I should most definitely be going to sleep now. I have a dentist appointment in less than twelve hours, and need to save energy since I'm running fevers and have to be at work in... 38 hours. I have a lot of homework to do as well before winter break is over. Ugh. So much to do.. .too apathetic (I guess) to do it. There's plenty of time, apathetic isn't the right word. I just would rather be with Clint than do homework. I know we can be together at the same time... just it's not quality time. Yeah.
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