I got a lot, well.... a lot for me I guess, of attention on my last post. I guess it came across stronger than anticipated. However, perphaps that was for the best. For no matter how much I scream into the world that things need to change - here we are spinning in the same circles.
I am still being made out to be the bad guy, when I am not. I am still treated like a child, yet expected to behave as an adult. I am used, I am taken for granted. It appears the honeymoon phase is over and we are laying out bare and naked in front of each other. It seems we are not liking what we see.
If you don't like me, that's totally okay. A lot of people don't like me. I'm too blunt, too demanding, too in control of myself for most to handle. That's fine. You can leave, and I will understand. I want you to stay. I beg of you to realize that while volatile I am so very easily made docile. If you are what I need, you will have zero complaints of me. Of this, I am certain. I may be demanding, but if my needs are met I am the most loyal, passionate, caring and basically fabulous person you will ever meet. I will make sure you have what you need, and more.
However, I am not able to make something out of nothing. I cannot make your perfect universe without a single drop of star dust or basic elements of life. I can have a relationship balanced perfectly and obtaining peace and passion in abundance - but it does take two people to form this relationship. It requires my partner to be able to step up to the standards I have, which I am also willing to give.
If you were looking for someone subservient, this I will never be. I will stay home and work on the house and raise our children, but you will never be my master. I do what I do in my life of my own volition. I am broken by how much I have had to serve you. I am broken that you have become the master, and I - yours. I want to be yours, but only in the same breath that you are mine.
I will work for you, if you work for me. I cannot survive in the way things are balanced. I will not thrive being someone that works to take care of someone else that is perfectly capable of supporting themselves. I've done it before... look where that relationship now is.
I love you completely. I want you to be by my side until time is no more. By my side. Not in front, nor behind. You are my life, my world. Let's bind together and both work for the common interest of continuance. Let's try and be something the world can be proud of, that we can be proud of. Please join me. Love me. Be what I need. I will be what you need. For always.
Forever.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
it's been 13 months
I was going to write a happy blog for my belated 13 months. First I decided to catch up on my reading of other's blogs to reenter the world I've been out of touch with. Now... the happy blog of love and joy just doesn't seem like it's going to happen.
I am so ridiculously done with being made to be an enemy. So tired of spending everything I work for, and a lot of what I don't, to make someone else happy. I get so very, very little for myself. I give everything I have to someone else who has the audacity to say that it is not enough.
Oh, you give me everything - you've changed your entire belief system, you bend over backwards daily and feel like killing yourself so you can stop it all? Yeah...that's not going to cut it. I actually need more. I can't be satisfied with this, let alone bothered to actually contribute something of my own. No, I won't give you anything other than the basics to tie you to me. Work? Bah! Cut back on spending? You must be joking.
I just want it all to
-STOP-
I love you more than anything I can express. So giving you everything I have isn't a big deal. It makes me happy that you are happy. I would like to have something given to me. I mean, last night we bought something for me - and the xbox is pretty much half mine. Still...it feels like all you want me for is to support your habits. Not to be there for you, or to love you. Just to be something you can feed off of.
I know that this cannot be the case. I hope so, at least, and am pretty sure this is correct...Take what I say with a grain of salt... but do listen. Don't just ignore it like you do everything else I say in regards to how I feel.
I am so easily tossed aside like everything else in your life. I know this... and I feel it intensely at times. I wish for you to be what I need... what I've always needed. I need to be taken care of, to be provided for. I need to feel it completely that I am the only thing that really matters to you. I need to be enveloped in love constantly and made to feel like I am truly safe. I need to be protected from the world, and perhaps, to have the world protected from me. I need to be encouraged to thrive - emotionally, physically, spiritually, artistically, sexually...and otherwise. I need to have an equal partner. Someone who does not take more than they give, but tries as I do to give as much as possible while taking as little as possible. You say you do... but this is the biggest fallacy I have heard you commit yourself to thus far.
I need happily ever after.
I am so ridiculously done with being made to be an enemy. So tired of spending everything I work for, and a lot of what I don't, to make someone else happy. I get so very, very little for myself. I give everything I have to someone else who has the audacity to say that it is not enough.
Oh, you give me everything - you've changed your entire belief system, you bend over backwards daily and feel like killing yourself so you can stop it all? Yeah...that's not going to cut it. I actually need more. I can't be satisfied with this, let alone bothered to actually contribute something of my own. No, I won't give you anything other than the basics to tie you to me. Work? Bah! Cut back on spending? You must be joking.
I just want it all to
-STOP-
I love you more than anything I can express. So giving you everything I have isn't a big deal. It makes me happy that you are happy. I would like to have something given to me. I mean, last night we bought something for me - and the xbox is pretty much half mine. Still...it feels like all you want me for is to support your habits. Not to be there for you, or to love you. Just to be something you can feed off of.
I know that this cannot be the case. I hope so, at least, and am pretty sure this is correct...Take what I say with a grain of salt... but do listen. Don't just ignore it like you do everything else I say in regards to how I feel.
I am so easily tossed aside like everything else in your life. I know this... and I feel it intensely at times. I wish for you to be what I need... what I've always needed. I need to be taken care of, to be provided for. I need to feel it completely that I am the only thing that really matters to you. I need to be enveloped in love constantly and made to feel like I am truly safe. I need to be protected from the world, and perhaps, to have the world protected from me. I need to be encouraged to thrive - emotionally, physically, spiritually, artistically, sexually...and otherwise. I need to have an equal partner. Someone who does not take more than they give, but tries as I do to give as much as possible while taking as little as possible. You say you do... but this is the biggest fallacy I have heard you commit yourself to thus far.
I need happily ever after.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
the whirlwind
I think sometimes that there may be something wrong with me. I mean, I read over so many posts that are full of anger, or sadness and wonder why. I cannot comprehend these things in my elevated state I suppose. Everything now is wonderful. Sure, we're completely and totally broke and budgeting ourselves each day in a way I didn't think possible. Yet, we sell things to get by, we make our way through this life.
I little over a year ago John told me that I could take him and only him, or he would walk away. I realized that I couldn't let him walk out of my life, so I agreed to be his girl for as long as everything was rainbows and butterflies. We fell into a daze of glory, confusion, and passion. The rainbows and butterflies didn't last unbroken for too long, but at that point I don't think either one of us had a choice but to see it through. No one thought we would make it, that we had anything real.
Yet, here we are. One year in, four months away from our wedding. The days fly by now so rapidly, there's hardly a chance to breathe. We are stressed over work, over the lack of money in our household. We have lawyers and weddings and bills to take care of - not to mention eating and fueling a vehicle. Somehow we've managed to make it this far. We should be out of the woods here shortly once the lawyer stops eating all the monies.
We finally have a means to pay for the wedding (thank you Grandma!) and so we're feeling a lot better about things in general. It wasn't a big deal to go out and buy my wedding bands two days after I bought my dress, veil, and jewelry. We're selling the Wii tonight so we can afford food for the rest of the week and then rinse and repeat I guess.
In May the lawyer will be paid off and I can dive into the trial proceedings. Yay? Eh, it will get everything taken care of and get me clean and clear for the future. Now if John could do the same.... but most of his stuff will fall off of his report in the next year or two anyway. Then we can start working on saving for a house ... although with a certain someone's spending habits I don't think that will be possible for us until 2015. The world will end before then! <-Totally kidding.
Anyway, I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. You are my ... everything. As long as I am, I am yours.
I little over a year ago John told me that I could take him and only him, or he would walk away. I realized that I couldn't let him walk out of my life, so I agreed to be his girl for as long as everything was rainbows and butterflies. We fell into a daze of glory, confusion, and passion. The rainbows and butterflies didn't last unbroken for too long, but at that point I don't think either one of us had a choice but to see it through. No one thought we would make it, that we had anything real.
Yet, here we are. One year in, four months away from our wedding. The days fly by now so rapidly, there's hardly a chance to breathe. We are stressed over work, over the lack of money in our household. We have lawyers and weddings and bills to take care of - not to mention eating and fueling a vehicle. Somehow we've managed to make it this far. We should be out of the woods here shortly once the lawyer stops eating all the monies.
We finally have a means to pay for the wedding (thank you Grandma!) and so we're feeling a lot better about things in general. It wasn't a big deal to go out and buy my wedding bands two days after I bought my dress, veil, and jewelry. We're selling the Wii tonight so we can afford food for the rest of the week and then rinse and repeat I guess.
In May the lawyer will be paid off and I can dive into the trial proceedings. Yay? Eh, it will get everything taken care of and get me clean and clear for the future. Now if John could do the same.... but most of his stuff will fall off of his report in the next year or two anyway. Then we can start working on saving for a house ... although with a certain someone's spending habits I don't think that will be possible for us until 2015. The world will end before then! <-Totally kidding.
Anyway, I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. You are my ... everything. As long as I am, I am yours.
Monday, March 8, 2010
reality
We walk through life and a surrounded by a myriad of choices. Do we know which ones lead ultimately down the right path? I think in our heart, our soul, we do. We know that the choices we make will turn through the world like they do. Why then, do we make negative choices? Why do we hurt those we love enough to make them feel like a relationship just isn't worth the pain? To test them? To test ourselves? While it is I that gave in, I do not forgive you. I will not forget. We included a verse from the Bible on love on our invitations, but I've never once believed in that verse. I don't think anyone ever has. Maybe fools.
Love is demanding.
Love is cruel
It is always envious,
it will always boast,
it is unfailingly proud.
It is inconsiderate,
it is selfish,
it is quick tempered,
it never forgets.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with lies.
It always leaves you exposed,
always disputes,
always doubts,
always perseveres.
Know it. As I have known it, as you have known it. As anyone who has felt its thorns will know it. We all know these things, yet we still ignore them. Or we forget, time slowly degrading our memory of the past until we come to see love as something to hold on to - to seek. We slowly forget that love is not happiness, but pain. Just as hope is pain, just as faith is pain. Without hope there is no disappointment; without faith, no regrets.
It takes so long for these wounds you carve into my chest to heal. You always find their scars after they've just finished healing, and know how to rip them open once more. That brief point in time when they are healed, when I am whole... it is still worth it to me. Eventually, I can't guarantee it will be. Eventually, the wounds you inflict will take too long to heal. The cuts opened too many times will cease to clot and scar over. I'll be left with an open wound in my chest that you can no longer fix.
It is your choice, the fate of my heart. You alone hold the ability to crush or enlighten it. You can heal these wounds completely, and diminish the scars to nothing. Or you can break me completely. It is up to you. I hope that you can choose to reinstill in me the belief that love, faith, and hope are things to be cherished. I pray that you do not ruin everything we've built thus far. Yet, you are stubborn and steadfast in your ways. If you remain as you've been we cannot last. I hope that I am worth changing for, that you can alter your foolish beliefs and ways. If not, that is your prerogative. I do not hold you here against your will. I do not wish for you to be anything other than what you are - what you are at times, what you can be.
I will do my best to hold on to you. To love you as I have. To be what you need me to be. I promise that I will flourish if tended well. I can promise that not a seriously ill word will come between us. You claim it is good that we fight, that it means we still care.
I hope you can come to show me you care without breaking my heart. Even after we broke up Clint and I fought. I don't think that means we still cared enough to be in the relationship - we simply were done with each other. Fighting does not mean that you care... it just means that you fight. You are cold, calculating, and cruel. Yes, you are also sweet, caring, and loving. Which makes it worth it.
I will be here with you as long as I can. I would like very much for that to be forever.
Love is demanding.
Love is cruel
It is always envious,
it will always boast,
it is unfailingly proud.
It is inconsiderate,
it is selfish,
it is quick tempered,
it never forgets.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with lies.
It always leaves you exposed,
always disputes,
always doubts,
always perseveres.
Know it. As I have known it, as you have known it. As anyone who has felt its thorns will know it. We all know these things, yet we still ignore them. Or we forget, time slowly degrading our memory of the past until we come to see love as something to hold on to - to seek. We slowly forget that love is not happiness, but pain. Just as hope is pain, just as faith is pain. Without hope there is no disappointment; without faith, no regrets.
It takes so long for these wounds you carve into my chest to heal. You always find their scars after they've just finished healing, and know how to rip them open once more. That brief point in time when they are healed, when I am whole... it is still worth it to me. Eventually, I can't guarantee it will be. Eventually, the wounds you inflict will take too long to heal. The cuts opened too many times will cease to clot and scar over. I'll be left with an open wound in my chest that you can no longer fix.
It is your choice, the fate of my heart. You alone hold the ability to crush or enlighten it. You can heal these wounds completely, and diminish the scars to nothing. Or you can break me completely. It is up to you. I hope that you can choose to reinstill in me the belief that love, faith, and hope are things to be cherished. I pray that you do not ruin everything we've built thus far. Yet, you are stubborn and steadfast in your ways. If you remain as you've been we cannot last. I hope that I am worth changing for, that you can alter your foolish beliefs and ways. If not, that is your prerogative. I do not hold you here against your will. I do not wish for you to be anything other than what you are - what you are at times, what you can be.
I will do my best to hold on to you. To love you as I have. To be what you need me to be. I promise that I will flourish if tended well. I can promise that not a seriously ill word will come between us. You claim it is good that we fight, that it means we still care.
I hope you can come to show me you care without breaking my heart. Even after we broke up Clint and I fought. I don't think that means we still cared enough to be in the relationship - we simply were done with each other. Fighting does not mean that you care... it just means that you fight. You are cold, calculating, and cruel. Yes, you are also sweet, caring, and loving. Which makes it worth it.
I will be here with you as long as I can. I would like very much for that to be forever.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
we can remember long ago
I've began to enter in my journal entries from long ago. December 2005 to be exact. It is funny how things change. How I had doubts about my relationship, even back then, but was steadfast to it. It is amazing to me how much things can change, how much anger and love a young heart can hold.
I hope that I'm not spamming your readers with my writings, as I'm setting the dates on them when they were actually written.
Time to move on with the day I hope. I have a pile of old movies to watch! Hopefully john will get out of bed sometime...
I hope that I'm not spamming your readers with my writings, as I'm setting the dates on them when they were actually written.
Time to move on with the day I hope. I have a pile of old movies to watch! Hopefully john will get out of bed sometime...
Saturday, February 27, 2010
a Scottish prayer
I realized that I didn't write my anniversary post. Seeing as how I've said everything I need to say as how much I love Johnathan... I'm not really sure what do write about.
I think that it's a good place to start to say that I went back and read an e-mail John sent me May of last year - when we had been together only two months. He spoke of his endless love for me, and his desire that I realize that love.
It's kind of silly to me now, how I could have been so head over heels for someone in such a short time. How we've moving throughout our lives in relative peace for nine months since he wrote that. How we still feel as we did for one another in that time, stronger perhaps.
There were many who thought that we weren't going to make it. That we were in it for a rebound, for fun, and that it would dissipate just as surely and as quickly as it started. I remember an event very clearly... Sitting at work with Nate and talking about money troubles - making some comment about how if we can just hold on for six years it'll all be okay. "Yeah," says Nate "but you won't still be together then." I was shocked at this statement of, in his mind, fact. It was one thing to have my dearest Azurell remind me that the heart is a faulty thing, and to avoid basketball. To have someone completely ignore the fact that real love can exist so shortly... it stung.
I think we've shown people we are not just rebounding from prior hurts. In less than five months we will be saying our vows and acknowledging our love and commitment in a more solidified state than before.
With that, I'll end this blog with a Scottish prayer that I rather like...
Lord help us to remember when
We first met and the strong
love that grew between us.
To work that love into
practical things so that nothing
can divide us.
We ask for words both kind
and loving and hearts always
ready to ask forgiveness
as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, we put our
marriage into your hands
I think that it's a good place to start to say that I went back and read an e-mail John sent me May of last year - when we had been together only two months. He spoke of his endless love for me, and his desire that I realize that love.
It's kind of silly to me now, how I could have been so head over heels for someone in such a short time. How we've moving throughout our lives in relative peace for nine months since he wrote that. How we still feel as we did for one another in that time, stronger perhaps.
There were many who thought that we weren't going to make it. That we were in it for a rebound, for fun, and that it would dissipate just as surely and as quickly as it started. I remember an event very clearly... Sitting at work with Nate and talking about money troubles - making some comment about how if we can just hold on for six years it'll all be okay. "Yeah," says Nate "but you won't still be together then." I was shocked at this statement of, in his mind, fact. It was one thing to have my dearest Azurell remind me that the heart is a faulty thing, and to avoid basketball. To have someone completely ignore the fact that real love can exist so shortly... it stung.
I think we've shown people we are not just rebounding from prior hurts. In less than five months we will be saying our vows and acknowledging our love and commitment in a more solidified state than before.
With that, I'll end this blog with a Scottish prayer that I rather like...
Lord help us to remember when
We first met and the strong
love that grew between us.
To work that love into
practical things so that nothing
can divide us.
We ask for words both kind
and loving and hearts always
ready to ask forgiveness
as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, we put our
marriage into your hands
Monday, February 22, 2010
a manic Monday
Head - sleepy, buzzy, no pain yet.
Neck - Pain
Back - Pain
Stomach - Dying times a million
Girl parts - Also dying
Butt - muscles cramping
Legs - following butts example
Arms - Sore
Feet - Dead, arches falling.
No wonder I spent ALL weekend asleep or in semi-sleep. I missed a punch-n-pi meeting, because I slept right through it. Although I usually keep my phone under my pillow - so obviously I wasn't needed because no one sent a text or called. Oh well, my determination in that is kind of fading anyway.
More posting later on love and such... but not for now.
Neck - Pain
Back - Pain
Stomach - Dying times a million
Girl parts - Also dying
Butt - muscles cramping
Legs - following butts example
Arms - Sore
Feet - Dead, arches falling.
No wonder I spent ALL weekend asleep or in semi-sleep. I missed a punch-n-pi meeting, because I slept right through it. Although I usually keep my phone under my pillow - so obviously I wasn't needed because no one sent a text or called. Oh well, my determination in that is kind of fading anyway.
More posting later on love and such... but not for now.
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