I need help!

It has not been an awesome week and a half. Yes, we got married, which was awesome! But....

Due to some issues with the payment source of the wedding, we ended up having to pick up quite a bit more than expected.

Not to worry, we sold some computer parts to a friend who would pay us in two installments. So he gave us $250 and we went on our merry way.

That was until - we went to a friend's barbeque this afternoon and someone in attendance / milling about decided it would be a great idea to lift my wallet from my purse. Granted, I probably should have had it on me... but I figured we were amongst friends - so what's the harm?

Now I'm down that $250 which was more than desperately needed. In addition, I now have to get a new ID and all that. Not to mention a new wallet.... (the wallet stolen was given to John for his 18th birthday :( )

Due to the wedding and such, we took time off which is going to limit our income over the next month or so. Yet, of course we make too much for government assistance in the matter.

So, if you can help us out - you would be a Godsend. We literally have less than a dollar to our name, and no groceries in our house. Anything to help make up what was lost would be more than appreciated.

If you can see us in person, great. Otherwise I've got a Paypal account you can add funds to.

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=5633643

We're willing to do what we can for those who help out... shout out videos, poems, whatever we can do for free.... John's willing to paint your name(s) on the side of his car.

Thanks!

rotary engines are a drug

When John brought home Savannah, I was less than pleased. Busted windshield, zebra camo hood... I mean, what was he thinking? I'm down so much fire power for this?!

New seats, new steering wheel, new shift rod, new shift knob, new wheels, new hood, new windshield, some spray paint... surprising little money put into the whole project directly. These RX7 guys are totally barterers in a modern world. Of course, it did cost us an XBox and guns... now I look at the car as a work of art. So much so that my entire outlook on the older sport cars has changed.

And now, I have Jane - a wedding present from the love of my life. A 1990 (or 91?) red RX7 Convertible. She is a beauty. Sure, she needs a fresh coat of paint, and her interior could stand to be revamped. I'd like to get some new wheels (or just steal John's...). There is a wish list forming in my head of all that I could do. And to thing, a few months ago I never would have given her a second glance.

Jane does have a salvaged title.... which isn't so great (and I'm assuming why we got it for 1/3 of the KBB 'good' value). When we compare it's KBB against my '04 Kia though... the Vert comes up double. Double, for a car over a decade older!

There's a 1993 R1 for sale in the surrounding neighborhood and apparently John has an in to a great price. Considering KBB for the car is about 18k, regardless it's going to be a pinch... and we'd have to sell Savannah to compensate a down payment. Still... I am in awe that these cars have held up so well. That after so many years they have such a huge consumer base. I suppose it makes sense, I mean - they're gorgeous, high powered machines. Reliable when maintained properly, and still able to outrun a lot of what's out there.

Now, I'm usually not a car enthusiast, but these cars - nearly as old as I - have piqued my interest.

I'm married!

Well, I suppose my wedding blog is now finished. There is nothing left to write in its "pages". For we did it! The madness, the tears, the sweat that went into this wedding I think have left a far longer lasting impression on me than the wedding day itself. I can never thank my bridesmaids enough. Thank you for traveling from so far, only to have to support me, wrangle groomsmen (and the groom!) build bouquets, and create a wedding from nothing. I guess I'll break it down here to remember as much of it as I can... so much happened so quickly on so little sleep that I'm sure I will leave much out.

Monday: I had to get up at 5:00am to go to work to train people to do my job while I was away. I went to sleep at 3:00am. In a daze I ran over the tools, the procedures... the wedding.... I came home and memorized my vows. Then we had to pick up the house and we went and saw Inception. Went to be at 4:00am I think.

Tuesday: Woke up at 7:00am. Washed sheets and made the futon for guests. Set out towels and things in guest bathroom. Then we went to go get James so we could all go pick up Tiffany from the airport. Emma peed everywhere on the plane, the Houston airport lost Emma's stroller, madness! Kayla somehow ended up in Vancouver trying to get to the airport.... so we drove out there to meet her and drop off Emma. We all then went back into Beaverton and met up with Brittany while the boys... got their groomsmen attire. Tiffany, Brittany and I went and got our nails and eyebrows done, spray tans, purchased hair dye, and went to my grandma's to go start working on flowers. Then we came home, hung out for a bit and went to Montage for dinner. John, Brittany, and I then went back to my place and watched an episode of True Blood before crawling into bed in the wee morning hours.

Wednesday: Up at 7:00am, getting ready to go. Tiffany arrived from her night with James a little later. We ate some leftovers for breakfast and began our trek to weddingdom. Somewhere in there I dyed my hair, but I forget when... We went to David's Bridal to get my dress and garters, to Claire's for pretty bobby pins and a bracelet, to Winco for $70 in Jelly beans to fill shot glasses with (we still have sooo many - yay for overestimating!), and then I dropped Tiffany off to go pick up Az, and had Brittany stop by the Dollar Store to get ribbons for bouquets. When we were loading up the cars, John stops by to show me my wedding present. Her name is Jane and she is a glorious 1990 red convertible RX7. Ah the joy of FCs. We got everyone and thing together and headed out (late) to Seaside to check in to the Hillcrest Inn. The innkeep was a little... strange, but friendly. Our cottage was pretty spectacular. 2 bedroom, 1 bath, fully loaded kitchen area. We changed into some nicer clothes and headed to the beach to the rehearsal. . . only an hour and half late (sorry Grandpa!). We figured out walking and such, and then headed back to McMenamin's Sand Trap where we had the worst service ever. Then we went to Safeway and picked up some more alcohol for our girls night in. Once everyone was asleep apparently somethings happened... and I was woken at 5:30 by James coughing up a storm.

Thursday: Glass of OJ and back to bed til 9. When I woke up the bouquets were being done. (Thank you Az! and Brittany). Those got finished up and we got showered and doughnutted and headed out to set up the reception location. (After much harassing the boys to make sure they were awake after their Zombie stripper attacks and Oregon Coast bar hopping). We laid out the centerpieces and jelly filled shot glasses and bubbles and such. Then we went to breakfast at this place in Seaside.... I don't remember the name but they have deliciousness (and 3.95 biscuits and gravy all day). The service was apt and much better of a transition than dinner the night before. We then headed into Seaside again to get ready at my Grandma's hotel. So many people, and curling and bobby pins. Thanks to Tiffany for turning my face into something beautiful, my grandma and aunt Niki for creating my hair, and Az and Brittany for helping put on the finishing touches. Donned in a giant dress Azurell drove me to the wedding site. We tried to find a back entrance to our starting point, but ended up much farther down the beach and had to hike through the grassy dunes. When I got a glimpse of the ceremony site, I was blown away. White ribbon outlaying the aisle and site. A heart dug into the sand and laden with rose petals. The music started and it was time to go. I grabbed my grandmas hand and walked through the sand. John was so beautiful! When I arrived in the heart by his side, it was like no one else and nothing else mattered. We were together, and that's it. As we chattered away at each other, we realized that a wedding was happening, and there we were in the middle of it! Our vows were spoken, rings exchanged - a kiss. And we tromped back up the hill to take pictures. Thank you so much Brook and Samantha for capturing all that happened that day. John and I managed to have a bit of time alone as we waited for the chair rentals to be whisked away. We drove back up to the Sand Trap and were introduced to the crowd. Many hugs later we sat down for a delicious meal and drinks. A cake was cut, glasses were raised, toasts given, tears flowed. We danced in our awkward way and had our bridal party and family join us. A money dance was given (thank you Steve!) and then we returned to finish dessert. Chatting, a bouquet toss, a garter fling.... pictures and memories. The crowd dissolved, we counted our money, and headed to a hotel in Seaside - Rivertide Suites. I recommend it highly. 2 bedroom, 2 bath, a full kitchen, washer and dryer, jetted tub, living room, three flat screen TVs. . . John made us a giant bubble bath in the jetted tub and we drifted to sleep on pillows of down.

Friday: As the night was unprepared I had only my wedding dress to my name. I wore some of John's clothes as we went downstairs for breakfast, after figuring out how the toaster worked.... anyway, I called my grandma who was staying across the street and she came and took our things so we could zip back in my shiny new to me car. We drove with the top down in the sun, it was marvelous. We realized, we were married!

I married my friend, the person I can most be myself around. I love him more than anything else in this earthly existence. And, while we're not actually married - I realize most that it is what in your heart that makes a marriage. Nothing has changed. I am now introduced as wife (which was weird) and there are more rings on my finger. Catching a glimpse of John's hand shining makes me smile. Our day to day is the same. We wander around for things to do, drive around and hang out with people. We live, we love, we laugh. Once the bankruptcy goes through and we are finalized, when we go the city hall and make it so... I don't think anything will change then either (except our names).

Pictures are up on Facebook, once I get CDs of them I'll probably post them all together on some other photo hosting site.

Thank you to all that helped make this work, who provided the monetary means, the flowers, the carpooling, the bouquet making, the food providing, the everything! Thanks to the catering staff at Sand Trap for creating a wonderful room for us to be in.

Thank you John, for loving me.

<3

Kaskade

I think I'm addicted to trance music. Or, maybe just trance shows. Or dancing. I'm not sure exactly what the precise combination is. But, regardless, nothing has been able to push through the haze lately like letting myself float on the punching bass. Dancing like I'm the only person in the room - yet pressed against so many other warm and pulsing bodies. Being one, yet one of many. Perhaps it's that in my day to day I don't really ever get to be me. Never just express myself however I see fit and not give a damn. Yet, there on the dance floor I can just...be. Surrounded by others who are just being them. I don't see why people need drugs to feel awesome at these shows - I guess intensifying the feeling. Kaskade was infinitely more into what he was doing and energetic and... pretty much just better all around than Paul Van Dyk. Good times. I was extremely bummed that I had to leave so early to catch the train home. I think next time a concert comes into town I want to actually stay to the finish of that I will drive. And wear thicker shoes so stilettos don't break me. . . and not ask people to rate me 1-10... because, really?

Paul Van Dyk and such

As I go to write this, I reread my previous post. It still sums up all that I am, all that I know. It's sad to me to go along in the world so unchanged. So stagnant in who we are. Perhaps we cling to these comforts instead of letting ourselves fall into where we should be.

Last night, I let myself go - and it seems that I have done some offense. However, as I look on it, I don't much care.

I showed some cleavage and danced my heart out to the sounds of Evan Alexander and Paul Van Dyk. I, for once, stopped caring about how I looked while moving - or what others were doing around me. I simply soaked in the sound and let it pour through me. Pure release. Money aside, I think I'd do that every night. Find a great DJ and just exist in the moment. It's so strange that to listen to that music idly is something I shall never do, I simply don't enjoy the overtures crashing into repetition. However, with bodies all round pulsing and the music all you can hear, and the ability to channel it - it's quite lovely indeed.

So many things are happening all around me, I have so much to do....

So little time to breathe.

Inhale.
Exhale.

That's better.

So many things have been flowing around me lately, it feels I haven't had the chance to breathe in ages.

I feel small, I feel weak. I feel like the world is surrounding me only to rip me into shreds.

I cannot believe how amazing the late spring air has tasted and felt on my skin this past week. The sun waving farewell later and later each night, until soon I will be up too late just to watch it sink behind the hills.

Drinking too much, letting my head fill with notions of importance and delusions of grandeur. I think that's a more fitting name than life behind the mask these days. I haven't really let any one into my darkened chambers in a while. It's much safer that way... I scream out every once and a while - but I think that in my trying to be what you want me to be - it's usually just a whimper.

How can I say I'm terrified without you hearing I want out? How can I reclaim the way my heart used to feel without the world seeing me reach for the past? I wasn't always broken. These jaded eyes once were a clear and open blue. I used to stay out all night in the back of the Scout with the top off staring at the stars until they turned into sunlight. I used to lay on a porch in a sleeping bag and watch the bats dance as they found their fleeting prey. We would plan our futures as only children can, and never knew how it would end.

I fear that history repeats itself, that for every wonderful moment in time there will be five to make you want to cease existing. I want to capture each wonderful moment without the bitter taste they now leave in my mouth.

Since my life ending heartbreak, I haven't been whole. It's not fair to you that I am this way - but I suppose it's only natural. So you ask me - which moments are sweeter? The ones before I was crushed into a million pieces, or the ones after? I don't know what to say other than I know how those moments end. I know that all those wonderful times were all for naught. That all they brought to me were tear-filled eyes and a new perspective. Yet, they do taste sweeter. Time perhaps blurs the negativity that may have existed, perhaps it was youthful eyes that hoped for a brighter future. I don't know.

I crave for that magic again. That feeling like nothing can ever beat me down because I'm me. I long to feel the sun's rays wrap around my heart and know that all is right in my world. I want to feel you like I've never felt you before. I want to consume you in all that you are until I've had my fill. I want... I want to feel. Not nervousness, nor apprehension. Not worry, or fear, or confusion. Just... feel.

Feel the world in all its glory. Feel what I see, touch, and taste in my core. Feel love all around me, coursing through me - feel content, feel at ease. No more planning, no more schedule, no to do lists. I want to be able to kiss the morning as her eyes meet mine. I want to fall from the star light into ethereal clouds of tranquility.

I want to run free through fields of flowers, twirling in the breeze. I want to dance in an ocean of bubbles underneath a giant oak tree. I want... to be free.

I want to bare a child into this world, and teach her the ways of the goddess and the cross. I want to connect with my inner witch without offending my Christian half. I want to blend the world into a perfection that has never been seen. I want to feel what it's like to carry life into this world. To be the vessel of perfection. I want to take that gift to the world and see it grow and flourish with freedom and love as its companions.

I want to care for you, as you've never been cared for. I want to wipe your brow from the grime the world has imparted there. I want to show you compassion, mercy, and forgiveness. I want to show you passion, freedom, and the wild beating of my heart. I want to be your gatherer in a world full of convenience. Hunt for me?

I want to return to our roots - to abolish modern establishments down to the barest of infrastructures. I want to see bronzed limbs toned with work and glistening in the sun. I want flowers in my hair and grass beneath my toes. I want a warm ocean to swim in and a cool shade to lie in.

I want all these things I cannot have. In this age I was never meant to be. So have patience as I struggle through time to make my way to the 21st century. Do not fear me, nor my fickle heart. I will mend again - there is really no alternative. Keep in mind through every day that I have never seen our relationship as a trap nor inescapable bindings. I know, everyday, there is a choice. A choice to continue or to depart. I continue, and I promise you I will keep continuing as long as I am able. You are mine forever, as I am yours. Please don't take this for granted.

you can take me as I am.

I got a lot, well.... a lot for me I guess, of attention on my last post. I guess it came across stronger than anticipated. However, perphaps that was for the best. For no matter how much I scream into the world that things need to change - here we are spinning in the same circles.

I am still being made out to be the bad guy, when I am not. I am still treated like a child, yet expected to behave as an adult. I am used, I am taken for granted. It appears the honeymoon phase is over and we are laying out bare and naked in front of each other. It seems we are not liking what we see.

If you don't like me, that's totally okay. A lot of people don't like me. I'm too blunt, too demanding, too in control of myself for most to handle. That's fine. You can leave, and I will understand. I want you to stay. I beg of you to realize that while volatile I am so very easily made docile. If you are what I need, you will have zero complaints of me. Of this, I am certain. I may be demanding, but if my needs are met I am the most loyal, passionate, caring and basically fabulous person you will ever meet. I will make sure you have what you need, and more.

However, I am not able to make something out of nothing. I cannot make your perfect universe without a single drop of star dust or basic elements of life. I can have a relationship balanced perfectly and obtaining peace and passion in abundance - but it does take two people to form this relationship. It requires my partner to be able to step up to the standards I have, which I am also willing to give.

If you were looking for someone subservient, this I will never be. I will stay home and work on the house and raise our children, but you will never be my master. I do what I do in my life of my own volition. I am broken by how much I have had to serve you. I am broken that you have become the master, and I - yours. I want to be yours, but only in the same breath that you are mine.

I will work for you, if you work for me. I cannot survive in the way things are balanced. I will not thrive being someone that works to take care of someone else that is perfectly capable of supporting themselves. I've done it before... look where that relationship now is.

I love you completely. I want you to be by my side until time is no more. By my side. Not in front, nor behind. You are my life, my world. Let's bind together and both work for the common interest of continuance. Let's try and be something the world can be proud of, that we can be proud of. Please join me. Love me. Be what I need. I will be what you need. For always.

Forever.