I don't actually remember very many details. I know that cuddling between Nate and John was oddly comforting, and that John's hair smelled good. I know all of the things in my prior post. There were movies and
nom food. People hitting on me, and marking their territory or something. For those people that were my wonderful cock blockers, love! Drinking and not vomiting. Staying up talking -for hours, and hours, and then some - about random things and giggling like school girls. Or I giggled like one at least. Hugs and
nuggles. Sleeping for a half an hour and then eating french toast before going to work and downing some
Viso. I honestly cannot express with the English or any other language the
plethora of emotions and love and confusion that passed over me in these past 24 hours. Since this is life behind the mask, there is no mask. I am confused by the things I feel and my extreme need to rationalize them and ride them off. Granted, it more than likely is irrationality - and the mild bonding over such things isn't a great foundation for anything, really. Not like anything would exist for a substantial amount of time anyway. I am still broken and jaded. I am however, feeling... different about things. Like - beginning to realize that it's really over between Clint and I. It hurts - a lot, but it's kind of liberating in the same respect. I can really do, see, be, whatever, whomever, wherever I want. I can find a guy -- eventually --who can love and accept me just as I am, and understand my oddness and gaiety.
At the moment, I'm going to drink each day the best I can, I hope it tastes sweet. I am going to love those around me that surround me with their love. I am going to devote myself to me, and in doing so, those that I love will benefit (I think that's how it works, right?). I will do my best to be honest, to be open, to be loyal, and to be kind. I will do my best to be your friend, your confidant, your crying shoulder. I will always be there for a hug... as long as you don't creep me out too much. :-P
Smiles and sunshine to all who are here or have come to pass,
Stephanie M. Lukas
"I am confused by the things I feel and my extreme need to rationalize them and ride them off. Granted, it more than likely is irrationality - and the mild bonding over such things isn't a great foundation for anything, really. Not like anything would exist for a substantial amount of time anyway."
ReplyDeleteI usually consider myself to be extremely analytical...However, in this particular case, I am somewhat worried about giving this logical consideration. Have you ever had a really really good dream where everything was okay and nothing else mattered? Well, I wouldn't want to wake up from one of those dreams and if I did have to wake at some point, I'd want to procrastinate for as long as I could.
Don't think too much about what I'm writing now...I might just be in my own little world. Besides, it's better than this chat I'm in.