Chop Chops and such

Well, no Chop Chop Night is not over, or has it started. I am, however, sitting here at work losing my mind to the monotonous nature of it all. I think I've played Bubble Bounce 100 times, but I know I haven't because I haven't got that badge yet...

It makes me ridiculously sad that my love is leaving in two weeks... She deserves it though, so I can't complain too much. Or, can I? No - I will be supportive and such like she would be for me. It still makes me sad... Mixed with a slight bit of rage at them not offering me a job when I figured I was as good as him at least. Oh well, do I really want to leave my amazingness here? Well, that depends on how amazing it's going to be when I'm unemployed and all alone...

I hope that I can salvage some of this feeling that I have now... the feeling of waking up and wanting to go to work. I love what I do, I love the people I work with. I am going to miss the desire to go to work, it is quite strange. I can't wait to exit my roasting hell... I mean, home... and enter the crispness of the morning. I'm usually running late and get to drive like a crazy person. That's always fun. When I arrive in the morning I can get hugs and good mornings. It's awesome sauce, or pants - whichever you prefer.

I think that I have gotten lucky all things considered, to be where I am at. I could be doing a lot worse. I suppose that is the theme these days. My aunt apparently has a drug problem and is in jail and my grandpa is going to collect her children. I don't know what's worse, that everyone should have seen it coming or my extreme apathetic nature. I do care about her children, they are the reasoning I am going into the education field. However, when my grandma told me I nearly became enraged when she said she was bailing her out. Are you kidding me? I wanted to let her rot as much as possible. I know her type and a bail out is not what she needs. But, whatever I'm just a punk kid who parties too much, what do I know? I suppose that bailing her out and trying to help her is the 'right' thing to do - but they've been bailing her out her whole damn life... and ... Rant. Rave. Etc.

I am going to help this person in chat now. Then I am going to hang out with people at work. Then I will drink Sake and eat food and watch movies. And cuddle.

details and things

I don't actually remember very many details. I know that cuddling between Nate and John was oddly comforting, and that John's hair smelled good. I know all of the things in my prior post. There were movies and nom food. People hitting on me, and marking their territory or something. For those people that were my wonderful cock blockers, love! Drinking and not vomiting. Staying up talking -for hours, and hours, and then some - about random things and giggling like school girls. Or I giggled like one at least. Hugs and nuggles. Sleeping for a half an hour and then eating french toast before going to work and downing some Viso. I honestly cannot express with the English or any other language the plethora of emotions and love and confusion that passed over me in these past 24 hours. Since this is life behind the mask, there is no mask. I am confused by the things I feel and my extreme need to rationalize them and ride them off. Granted, it more than likely is irrationality - and the mild bonding over such things isn't a great foundation for anything, really. Not like anything would exist for a substantial amount of time anyway. I am still broken and jaded. I am however, feeling... different about things. Like - beginning to realize that it's really over between Clint and I. It hurts - a lot, but it's kind of liberating in the same respect. I can really do, see, be, whatever, whomever, wherever I want. I can find a guy -- eventually --who can love and accept me just as I am, and understand my oddness and gaiety.

At the moment, I'm going to drink each day the best I can, I hope it tastes sweet. I am going to love those around me that surround me with their love. I am going to devote myself to me, and in doing so, those that I love will benefit (I think that's how it works, right?). I will do my best to be honest, to be open, to be loyal, and to be kind. I will do my best to be your friend, your confidant, your crying shoulder. I will always be there for a hug... as long as you don't creep me out too much. :-P 

Smiles and sunshine to all who are here or have come to pass,

Stephanie M. Lukas