A while ago, I was offered a job at an amazing school to be a preschool teacher- at the same time however, my current employer offered me a lead position. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my professional life, but as many of you know - I took the lead job. There were a variety of reasons for this, but mainly that I loved the people I work with, flexibility to attend school, and money. With John out of work and all the bills money was huge, as the bump was substantial.

Well... loving the people I work with has changed. I assumed that the relationships I'd spent the last 2 years (or 16 years) meant something and that when I got promoted people would back me up and be my friends and help me out. However instead I was met with resistance and challenges and complete attitude changes from those I'd known the longest. People I've known over half my life are now strangers. Literally because of a title at a job that none of them even want. I do not get it. But, because of this and the behavior of it I am constantly on egg shells at work. Because literally everything I do or say is being reported. So I am terrified of failure, and even though none of the people causing these feelings wanted the job, I feel like I am not good enough for it. I feel a constant tightness in my chest and uneasiness 24/7 now. I have been in a training/leadership role in every job I've ever had. I have met resistance at most of these because I'm usually the new kid on the block when I get promoted/take on new roles/responsibilities. And it's rolled right off because I didn't have connections with anyone, so I didn't care. But now I care. I know that I'm a good trainer, that I know everything I need to excel at this position, but because of others I can't shake this weight.

I haven't changed anything in my attitude or interactions other than now I have new roles, though day to day is really not different - except the attitudes of a small group of my coworkers. Like - hold the door open for everyone but let it slam in my face, turn around and walk the other way on the street - changes. I organized tons of events last year which had great participation, this year, nothing.

So work is now a place where I dread going. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. For something I do or say to come across in a way that will get me fired. My style has always been direct. I don't really believe in  buttering people up or kissing ass or stroking egos. And now all of the sudden I feel I have to.

Add to that being a mom to a potty training 3 year old and taking 16 credits a term, and constantly running at a financial deficit, and I'm biting John's head off because I am in constant flight or fight mode.

Also there's a mass shooting like every day. And Trump might be our president. I've literally stayed up nights fretting & trying to wrap my head around that. How and why our society is so broken that this is even a possibility.

Oliver told me not to cry about the shooters because the cops always get the bad guys...which just made it worse. What kind of world are we leaving our kids?

So yeah - work is a mess, school and kid and wifing is hard, all the while the world around me is splitting at the seams.

At least the rain sounds pretty outside.

Gamma, DBug, Display

When HP Gamma went away we sighed our ways into other corners of the building. We sent the occasional e-mail, we dissolved. But then, really, we were never that close anyway. Phone contracts tend to isolate you from your closest coworkers.

When Disney ended, those of us that were close, we stayed that way... for a while at least. And we still see each other, for the holidays, for birthdays. Like some distant extended family. We recall the best job ever. What it was like to prance in Pixie Hollow, or jog along the Caribbean shore... and get paid, well. We held each other when the end was near. Often times literally. We drove each other to new destinations, frolicked in the sunshine, ate buffalo wings and played on the beach. Together. All welcoming, all loving, all encompassing.

No, Display will never be what Disney was. I am not greeted by a group of people each day I arrive. There are no hugs when I get to work or throwing a Frisbee in the parking lot on break. We don't lunch as a group, we don't play as one. Still... it has been two years. Most days. And...
I just want to hug you and say.... "I've hated/ignored/been annoyed by/been jealous of/been furious with you.... but, I'm attached to you. I will miss you when you're not around." Our team is small, we are able to talk amongst ourselves all day and not cause great distress. We share our lives, hobbies, passions. We proofread each other's manuscripts and teach each other crafts. Formed our very own little codependent unit. A blend of backgrounds, thoughts, and perspectives. And, it works. Mostly, usually. We've trail-blazed through unknown territory together. Gone from not knowing what we were doing to handling more tickets in less time. Writing and forming knowledge bases and training materials.

Soon, it'll be gone. Like so much else in this ever changing trap that is a call center.
I hear ACS is hiring.
So many places hiring.
I don't know if I'll stay, find something else to do in the building. Go to a new company, sit at home on unemployment. I've put out my feelers and have applied to jobs. Nothing back yet, internal or external.
I don't know what's going to happen... but I know I will miss the members of this team. We haven't enough glue to hold us together, and perhaps we don't really want their to be. But, we work well together.
So, good luck to all you Display kids, wherever the directions of change will take you.

Why today isn't the best day ever.

Today I woke up and went to fill out some DHS paperwork that I have to get into them so we can continue to get food stamps. Since in October I made some actual money - there's a chance we might not continue getting food stamps, or get a much more reduced amount. I'm hoping I can talk our case lady into letting us keep them.... since w/o them we're totally fucked.

In addition, for some reason I'm not sure of the employment department has denied my benefits. I need to call them and figure out why, and what I can do to get them. I'm working 20 hours a week -- making LESS than my UI insurance was. It would have been better for me just to not have a job...

Our bills for the month... phone, rent, w/s/g, electric, etc. are 100.76% of John and my combined income. Which means that there is absolutely no wiggle room... None. However, even with throwing whatever else (gas, food > FS, etc.) onto credit cards (which I hate doing!) we'll still be that .76% short. Not too terribly much, but still.

John is crazy super sick. Like... death. He coughed up blood and is crazy congested. Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do except put cough drops and the like on CC and hope that he gets better.

The Mazda... well you know about that.

Debt in general. We're barely staying afloat, and a large portion of that is because of CC and car payments. Without them, all we'd have to worry about is phone/internet/tv/rent/w-s-g/electric. I tried to consolidate all of the debts (totaling close to 10k) into one loan so I could pay it off at hopefully a lower monthly payment and free up CCs for those 'just in case' moments. However, because of the amount of debt I have - and the Mazda's late payments, I was denied.... so we'll keep charging stuff on CCs to stay alive because we're spending so much on payments.... Ah, now I see why people say to avoid the mother fuckers.

I'm thinking of looking into claiming bankruptcy. Yes, it would fuck my credit for seven years, but I need to do it before John and I get married if I'm going to do it. I need to pay off car first though, because I can't get that repossessed.

Did I mention we're planning a wedding? Somehow I have a feeling that it's not going to happen. I mean, see all the above and tell me how to pull over 4k out of that? You can't. I can only hope that we get a lot more help than expected.

John still doesn't have a job. He says that he's looking and applying everywhere, but there's hardly a callback. He hasn't even been on one interview since he was laid off in April. Not one. This is rather depressing as I've had half a dozen interviews and two separate jobs since then. Stream is ramping up again - so we'll see.

To top it all off, I'm freaking out and John's telling me to have faith. Have faith that his plan will magically happen. I have faith that if we don't pay rent we'll get evicted, I have faith that if he doesn't get employed by ... next week we're fucked. He seems to think everything will be okay - but I just don't see it. So he's being an ass about me being upset, because that's helpful.

Good things? UH... right.

I have a job. It's not doing anything but fucking me over for now... but it should flip to full time soon - which will help if John gets a job too- because we'll lose some if not all of food stamps once that happens.

The check I wrote my grandparents for rent hasn't gone through yet. This is our main saving grace for making it through November. If they had cashed it when I wrote it then we'd have no money at all for any bills. With that still in the air we'll be able to make it through November... unless of course they cash it soon... In which case triple fucked. However, I can't bear to ask them not to, they're not doing too terribly hot themselves I don't think. I'll just roll with it and see what happens.

Love. Yeah, love is good. It's nice to be able to turn to my fiancé and know that we're together regardless how the chips fall. It's put a lot of strain on everything worrying about money and plans and such, but we're still together. If I had to go through this alone, I think I would have given up by now.

I'm not pregnant and I have a job.

Well, I peed on a stick - negative result. That's relieving, but not sure what's going on then with the sore boobs and the hormonal crazies and the constant annoying fatigue. Testing again later this month if a ness doesn't happen.

Work tomorrow begins my part time employment. This is going to be lame, because for some reason my manager didn't listen to me or something so I have a Mon.-Fri. 9:00am-1:00pm schedule. I'm also going to be making less than my prior unemployment was. Hopefully I can get some of that back though. Also, hopefully I can change to work 9:00am-6:00pm Mon-Wed. and have a wonderfully long weekend.

I'm hoping that everything will all be okay, but I'm feeling like it's just not going to be. The Mazda apparently doesn't exist anymore - the place it got towed to shut down without letting anyone know. That reminds me, I need to call the Police Department tomorrow to see what I can do with that.

I tried to get a loan with First Tech to consolidate all of the debt I've got going on, but because of the Mazda I was unable to do so. This is going to make paying for the wedding really hard. However, it appears that my grandparents are going to be helping even though they told me no way they'd be able to. This opens up a little bit more optionality for us. If they cover the location, we'll be able to do catering - which will allow us to have a lot more relaxation.

Relaxation would be nice. I've been stretched to the breaking point, and feel like my depression is starting to beat me. It's been to the point where I'm starting to feel totally deadened. Oh, there's panic, pain, worry. I did get excited while looking at wedding spots.

I think that I would be feeling a lot better if there were equal contributions coming in. I've been working 40 hours a week and John's been....? One day last week he did some laundry and picked up a little bit. However, I've been working all day for a month. His unemployment is hardly anything. In addition, he's spending ridiculous amounts of money. While I may have some debt that was before him - he's been piling on way way more debt than money he's bringing in. Makes me feel like he's taking advantage of me in a way. With the wedding to plan and so much debt in addition to the Mazda bringing us down with it we should be spending absolutely nothing and throwing anything we have into the debts. Instead, John's spending on credit cards and we're not able to pay bills. I understand not wanting to settle, but come on! I worked at Target for fuck's sake. He won't even apply to Subway or anywhere else that he doesn't think is...what? Good enough for him? I don't know. Something HAS to happen, otherwise this just isn't going to work long-term. Eventually something will break. It just will, and it doesn't matter how hard we try to keep it together.

John's reaction to the potential pregnancy was enough to tell me things aren't totally perfect. I'm freaking out - but because we don't have insurance and John doesn't have a job. John's freaking out because it means he'll "have to be an adult."

Le sigh.

I rant, I hope.

I would write a blog, but have a feeling it would just be me bitching about work. . . because it's everything I never wanted. I find myself wishing, and wishing hard that Stream would call me. All of us. So we could go back to working our boring meaningless jobs. At least we'd know what to expect, and at least we'd be together. Oh, and at least I wouldn't have to wear Red and Khaki and a name tag and ... yes.

That is all. Target is great to shop at, horrible to work at.

The end.

I'll blog for the hell of it

Wow do I feel like poo.

Yes, that's my eloquent introduction. It's my realizing that I can't write anymore, that everything poetic in the world of prose has been completely ripped from my unyielding hands and deposited into the greater space of the world. The gifts I once held are being drained from me, even if ever so slowly. I hardly have the energy for anything but work anymore. As the sales are driven higher, the work becomes harder and more chaotic. It is better than doing nothing, though.... I think.

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Today I arise at an hour past noon, after dreaming that John was a vampire. He rescued my brother, he took me on the hunt. He was Lestat powerful, we flew around the world. The early morning sun did not harm him, and we watched the sunrise with love in our eyes. He worked during the daylight hours - at some place. I think in my dream it was Fry's actually. When it was dark, the night was ours. In the dream he accidentally killed a coworkers grandmother. He didn't accidentally kill her, but rather chose the wrong person. She was elderly, and sitting in the arm chair in a mansion of sorts, nodding off. Her white cat was curled up on her chest, and was indulging herself on her master's blood given forth from a small abrasion of her flesh.

I woke up as vampire John and I were swinging at a park watching the world around us turn from black, to grey, to pink and blue. The coworker was on his way to work and found his grandmother. He left us, crying. John decided to skip work and grab a plane to somewhere fun. I joined him.

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Life has been sort of hodge-podge of craziness lately. Wedding planning, identity crises, working. I'm in a whirlwind and having trouble getting out. I cannot wait until Friday (first day of my weekend). Thursday will be my sixth day working straight. Lame.

I asked John if he wanted Emily to come to the wedding. He wasn't sure, and thought that he shouldn't even tell her he was getting married. I told him it would be a bigger slap in the face to not tell her and have her find out later that he went and got married and didn't even mention anything to his best friend...or someone who once filled those shoes. Well he did call her, and I think he was just a big pile of awkward. Which makes me wonder... why was it such a big deal for him to let her know?

it's one of those moments

You know, those moments when you realize that everything will be okay if you could freeze time? The bits and pieces of life that paint your perfect world in mosaic? One of those moments. Something is... different with him and this. I can't really say more without sounding like that dreaded girl at the party. I shouldn't say more giving that it's only officially been two months (tomorrow). All I know is that last night was, one of those moments. A pin-prick in time that makes you realize that those three words really are said too much and that they simply are not enough.

In other news, it seems that a lot of the stress is going to be lifted, at least a little bit. The apartment apparently is going to let us do monthly payments on our deposit, not in the best way imaginable, but in a way that we can afford to move in. I'm not sure if that's going to help too terribly much, but it will a little bit. In addition, I might be able to get my BA in Social Science at the PCC campus as a satellite for the PSU program --- assuming I decide to teach elementary school, which I think I am going to. I guess I can always switch later if I change my mind? All these grown up decisions. Maybe I'll open up a poll and you guys get to decide? Sure -- comment or w/e with your decision and I'll listen to those that know me best.

In addition in a negative manner, I still have tons of other debt to deal with. I have an unpaid school balance of $391, $1500 on a 30% interest Credit card and $4000 for my car, oh an $1,000 on the bed (interest free until Feb. 2010 though). I'm having a housewarming party (text me or DM me on Twitter for address) on the 25/26. Hopefully the 25th in the evening, like 8:30pm. If you want to get me anything... we need a microwave, two+ bar stools, and money. I'm going to not have a job in 10 days and John doesn't have anything lined up. We will be needing all the help we can get -- living off of 800 a month for two people. Yeah, joyous times.

Enough about the bitching, how did that even pop up? I was rambling about the beautiful love making and love existing that occurred last night that was like, wow. I can't even describe the closeness and such that I feel for him. I continuously run myself through the gauntlet of my mind -- what would I do if... it came down to the wire and he didn't have a job? Clint pressed wanting to get back with me? He went to Virginia and disappeared? The answer to every mind scenario is this - me with him, and only him. I will 'fight a bitch' if I have to. I do doubt myself sometimes, when he does; or expresses his half voiced doubts. I then think about everything in my life that has transpired. I have something here that I do not want to lose. He very well could leave tomorrow and never return. I know this. There is that chance that he gives up and cannot take my habitually frayed nervous system.

"This may not last but this is now so love the one you're with."
"And if it turns out/ It's over too fast/ I'll make every last moment last"
"Say there's no future/ For us as a pair/ And though I may know/ I don't care/ Just for this moment/ As long as you're mine/ Come be how you want to/ And see how bright we shine"

you have to stop on an even number or else explode

Hi, my name is Stephanie. I am freaking out in a medium to slightly hot fashion hot sauce style. I tend to base things on hot sauce scale.. mild, medium, hot. Yeah. So here's my list of all the things stressing me out and/or making me not happy.

1) My credit card that I thought I needed to buy a fantastic laptop decided that because I payed one day late they were going to retard out the interest rate to 29.9% and charge me a fuck ton of late fees. I am broke enough already, people! So with my debt on there it's going to be close to $500 a month in interest. Good luck me paying that off, EVER.

2) I have yet to pay my school. Because I had to give Az money for the apartment and put food in four bellies, I don't know when this will happen. More money needs to come out to provide roof for aforementioned four bellies. I would put it on my interest free credit card, however... it's now a 30% interest credit card.

3) The apartment hasn't approved John yet. This is minor in the scheme of things, but it's on the list. I, however, am approved and good to go. If he has no credit, we might not have enough to pay for the move-in fees.

4) Transferring to the new contract at work was supposed to make me lose $0.50 which isn't great, but not fantastic either. However, recent news has come to light which makes it sound very possible that I will be losing $1.75 an hour from my wage. That's close to $4,000 a year, before taxes. Hey, at least I'll be able to get into VALF, right?

5) This contract that I love is ending. Fifteen days, that's it. Something which I have worked so damn hard for and put my everything in -- gone. Well, that's typical of life, isn't it? What's the lesson here, don't try?

5) I am so far behind in school, it's ridiculous. I'm pinching and contorting to fit myself into these boxes. I don't even care anymore! I just want to be done. If I get C's I'll be super sad, but fuck it, I'll survive.

6) I have two weeks to figure out if I'm going to go to PSU or not in the fall. That application costs money, money I do not have and I don't have fake money to balance on right now either for the most part in a feasible and sane manner.

7) The relationship I am in has been very tense due to all this stress. It's like a new born being exposed to the wild elements. I don't know if it can take it, or if the storm raging around it will fracture its soft and gentle skull. I want nothing more than to find solace in him, and let him be the eye of this storm and carry me through. I cannot depend on others for peace in myself, however. I should have learned a long time ago that you can only depend on yourself and your strengths in life. More information on this section can be found in the blog prior.

8) My apartment is a mess and a half. Sure, it's super tiny which does not help, but it's driving me crazy. I have to put mental blinders on. However, in the priority of things school and relationship come first. Therefore, it can fucking wait until those things are on a perfect track or I just freak out and explode.

9) I'm super self conscious these days. I can't stand the shape, texture, anything about my body external and in. I also feel like I am starting to fray and/or break at the seams mentally and that my very chemical composure is off.

10) My piercing is super itchy and I keep bumping it when I try to get the hair out of my face.

11) I'm having to deal with this whole computer transaction deal. I love Drew, but I can't give all those tech answers, and I don't know what to do that would appease both parties. It really would have been better if he had done it, but that's pretty much over and done with now anyway.

12) I need to change my transmission fluid, and get people to stop hitting my car. What is it about my car that screams "Please, for the love God won't you please smack me with your door, back into me, run into me, anything!!!!"? My car needs TLC not smashery.

There's probably more, which is disheartening. I, however, was supposed to be out of this building 16 minutes ago. So... if I seem on edge, you know a little bit why.

Monies, school, eepness!

You have, well... anywhere from two weeks to a month and a half.

Guess it's out of the bag now, so I'm not breaking anything by blogging - right? That and it's not like anyone reads this thing that wasn't in a meeting today. So Stream has finally let us know that our contract isn't being renewed. Not like that is coming as a shock to anyone who was like ... alive in the past few months. Now I'm wondering if I should hound the mother-ship's HR department. Again this circling thought process revolves again. Oh, fuck it - I'm gonna have to take out loans to pay for school anyway.

I've never been this stressed about money before in my life. I've always been able to live within my means and be just fine getting whatever I really wanted. I was able to buy the furniture, television, whatever that I wanted while getting financed for two cars. I worked and he worked, and we did just fine. Now I'm having to wonder how exactly the bills are going to get paid. My credit card has zero percent interest...for now. That's up in like a month. Which is just around the time I won't have a job. Not to mention the fact that I won't be able to get unemployment if I am honest on my application. Students count for nothing apparently - let's fuck over the people actually trying to better their lives, sure that makes sense. Fuck!

Need to finish my FAFSA tonight, and hope that the government decides to be realistic in their expectations and gives me monies and interest free loans and grants and all the joy. I also need to put in PSU application, but ... that costs more money. I wish that we could abolish this system of trade based on pieces of meaningless paper. Or at least give free education so that our populace can reach it's potential even if they weren't born with a silver spoon in their mouths. An education, doesn't really matter in what - is better than nothing at all. I guess I can always go back to waiting tables - there's pretty much always a market for that. Also, I can probably get hired at a Rose's since I did training for them in the past and have done like everything front-end. Le sigh.

It's another Saturday in Streamland

There's nine hours left in the day and all the queues are cleared. I'm listening to music on Grooveshark - ooh check out my nifty little widget, it's purdy.

Today makes two weeks, six days. How on Earth does that even compute? Did we enter a rip in the continuum that somehow only altered time for the two of us? It feels that way, for sure. We've crammed quite a lot in those two weeks, maybe that's it. When I look at that number I feel like I'm losing my mind. It feels like months since we took her to California, but not so much. We left two weeks, four days ago. It feels like eons ago I was making an ass out of myself on a circle of rigidly formed H2O. A rip in the continuum, I could believe that. I'm believing everything else; what's a teeny-tiny rip in the fabric of time?

I think I'm going to try and write some poetry. You'll have to check out the poetry blog of mine for that, hey look - this one's short too!

Eep!

I received a call from the mother company, yes that's right - 818 style. I've been contemplating whether or not I would want to work for a giant corporation that seems to care little for individuals. It would mean a life change for me that I'm not sure I'm ready for.

One one hand, it would allow me to be with some amazing people in a warm, happy climate. I wouldn't be worse off than I am now financially, and would have more on the benefits side of things. Working for such a large company would be a nice boost to my resume - and allow me a bit more street cred in the geek community. (ha. ha.) There are colleges in the area as well, so I would possibly be able to continue my education.

The other side, however, is worth noting. I love where I live now, the city and the people. I have my general life schematics orientated for living in Oregon. I have my school credits which are good in Oregon - but maybe not in Cali. My end goals in life require me to be in Oregon. I won't be better off financially by going there - unless I'm unemployed here that is. Additionally - my family is very important to me -and they are here. My best friend in the whole world is here - or not too far away at least. I don't want the additional pressure of having him move with me -- although somehow I don't think that is playing into this too terribly much because he seems content to be wherever. I am an Oregonian through and through, and although I do so love SoCal... I don't think it's enough.

I wouldn't even think about starting down there until mid-June anyway, which will probably be too late due to the plans I assume are in place. Had they actually contacted me as Winter term was ending, then it would be different. However, I need to finish this term and graduate and all that good stuff before I think about my next step. With that in mind, with my associates I am allowed to become an educational/instructional assistant within school districts. Which equals me making a step in the very much so right direction.

I wish there were a way to play out both scenarios in a box and watch which one ends up better for me. However, life just ain't like that - yet, anyway. Instead I have only the advice of friends and family to go off of. What do I do? Do I take a jump and hope I advance enough to support myself and going to school? Do I stay where I am comfortable and have family I can fall back on if necessary? Help!

My day so far.

The day starts at midnight - so when I say this is the last drink of the night, the counter resets then, right?

Okay, so no, I didn't really keep drinking after that. I was averagely drunk by that point and getting sleepy. So we put in a DVD that got delivered by the pirated movie Fairy and begin to watch. I may have fallen asleep somewhere in the middle range - but so far I can say I like it - and will like it more once all the CGI and such is in place.

I look around in the semi-total darkness and figure he must have stopped the movie when I fell asleep as I don't feel I'd been asleep that long. I rearrange my body in a more linear position on this futon that is acting as a bed for the time being. Of course him being my werewolf, vampire, robot, boy and it being close to a full moon apparently, he couldn't sleep. So we talk and such and such. Then it's three a.m. and I am missing something internally, something important. Uh-oh. I figure it might be in there so I go to bed. Kind of. Actually we watched an episode of Drawn Together, and then I really tried to sleep. I have no idea when I actually drifted off - but it wasn't at a good time considering I have to be... well, here by 9:00 a.m.

My alarm became part of my dream, I remember that much. He had to wake me up - good thing I set double alarms just to be sure I'm awake. It's freezing! Turns out Vampire-Werewolf-Robot-Boys run a little warm - not me, though! So he tries to cuddle me to make me warm - but somehow his projection heat isn't working. Boo.


Second alarm goes off and Kitty jumps up and tries to love. Okay, I think, I'll give you five minutes of nuggle time. And then I somehow end up accidentally elbowing him in the head. Oops. Guess it's time to get up anyway. Reach for my pants on the floor - they are covered in spaghetti sauce. My bad. Grab a clean pair. Realize you so did hang up my pants. You're awesome (and not just when you're bored). Throw together some sort of semblance of a human being. Glance over to see you - sleeping like a baby. Must be nice. Throw on my Power Bracelet, Mood Ring, 3D glasses. You know - the essentials. Look outside at the marvelous day forming. Realize my time would be better spent returning to futon and cuddling both kitties and boy until the air warmed enough for flip-flops and wandering. Realize I have negative money. Out the door for me.

The elevator smells like cat food, mildew, and.... ass? It is not too pleasant. Oh well, it's a short ride anyway. Get outside and try to remember in which direction I parked. Scan the road, can't find car! Think, think....oh right, it's on the other side. Grumble. Cross through lobby - out into pretty courtyard. Me thinks I need to sit down and bask in the scenery -- can't. Find car, drive car. Get to work on time by miracles of Sunday driving and going 20 over the speed limit.

Work. I feel like I'm missing something. I did yesterday too. I have what I need, and more. Food - Wallet - Keys - Phone - Glasses - Power Bracelet - Mood Ring. Who knows, maybe it's just the fact that I know when I get here, to this place - it will be empty of two people I love.

If you're reading this you have a mission to do. You need to find your muse, and go to the terrace and write. I recommend wandering the streets if you need a bit of inspiration. You ended with "**Meeting** Finish later." It is later - and you haven't gotten to the good part yet. Yes that was me insinuating that I am the good part, because I think that I win. I don't just mean the blog though - I am referring to the general aspects of writing that you believe to be lost from you.

Discernment of Now

Ah, if only I could kiss and tell. Well, that was probably more information already than most of you would like to hear - so we'll leave it at that very open ended statement.

I have been a mindless drone to the world of Pixie Hollow for so long. I spent all day, ten hours, typing things and doing things and questing and such. That and reading LeastICouldDo.com obsessively. I'm only in 2006 so, it's gonna be a while until I'm caught up - which it's updated daily so... yeah, it's going to be a while.

I am thrilled to have my two angels Kitty and Merrick with me once more. Their antics and personalities are so dissonant and functional and amusing.

I am at a place in my life that I shouldn't be at society wise for like five months, but for the moment at least - I don't mind. No, it's not that I don't mind - it's that I am (dare I say?) happy. There, I said it. Happy. Perhaps that fleeting happiness you get from a sunny day - perhaps the happiness you get from something more real. I haven't fully determined the level of that happiness yet - or figured out if it will turn into joy.

Speaking of which, there was a sermon a pastor gave many years ago upon the differences between happiness and joy - saying the Joy can only come from God whereas happiness is something which is conditional to your surroundings. This is true I think, to an extent. I do believe that joy is something which is very much so internalized as a pure state of mind and can persist through depressing moments. I don't know if it has to come from God or not - although his presence is something which definitely makes the world seem a little less ... bleak and hopeless? Less like a hunk of rock hurtling through space and time at thousands of miles an hour and more like a planet with purpose. Do we have a purpose? I've been told our purpose is to live and die. That my purpose is make this putrid planet even worse. That my purpose is to love. That my purpose is to serve my God and show him to the world. I don't know what our purpose is here - no one does.

I know that what my father told me was not true. I do deserve to be loved. Better yet, I am - I was, I will be. By friends, by lovers, by God eternally, maybe by you. In...some sappy movie I can't remember which and am too lazy to Google 'the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.' I think that love is multifaceted, multidimensional, and forever. If I love you today, I'll love you tomorrow, I'll love you in a month, a year, a decade. I will never stop. Whether I love you now as a friend, a family member, a lover - and later only as a memory it will still be love.

I like to claim my independence, yet I am dependent upon all of you. For my sanity, for my happiness, for my livelihood. I like to think I am in control, but my heart tends to drag me as it wishes. Or my bodily desires, whichever the case may be.

It's going to be in the seventies Sun/Mon and sunny. I long to wander the streets. Join me?
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The flame dances on the wall as the shadows of my soul play tricks. The sweet smell fills this space as my heart begins to beat. Breathing in and out manually. Wonder what you're thinking. Wonder how many tabs are open in the browser of your mind. Wander down my own paths built around synapses of my mind. Firing electrical charges. Like those between your fingers and my skin. Spin, twirl, fall. Fall into....we're finding out a day at a time.

Chop Chops and such

Well, no Chop Chop Night is not over, or has it started. I am, however, sitting here at work losing my mind to the monotonous nature of it all. I think I've played Bubble Bounce 100 times, but I know I haven't because I haven't got that badge yet...

It makes me ridiculously sad that my love is leaving in two weeks... She deserves it though, so I can't complain too much. Or, can I? No - I will be supportive and such like she would be for me. It still makes me sad... Mixed with a slight bit of rage at them not offering me a job when I figured I was as good as him at least. Oh well, do I really want to leave my amazingness here? Well, that depends on how amazing it's going to be when I'm unemployed and all alone...

I hope that I can salvage some of this feeling that I have now... the feeling of waking up and wanting to go to work. I love what I do, I love the people I work with. I am going to miss the desire to go to work, it is quite strange. I can't wait to exit my roasting hell... I mean, home... and enter the crispness of the morning. I'm usually running late and get to drive like a crazy person. That's always fun. When I arrive in the morning I can get hugs and good mornings. It's awesome sauce, or pants - whichever you prefer.

I think that I have gotten lucky all things considered, to be where I am at. I could be doing a lot worse. I suppose that is the theme these days. My aunt apparently has a drug problem and is in jail and my grandpa is going to collect her children. I don't know what's worse, that everyone should have seen it coming or my extreme apathetic nature. I do care about her children, they are the reasoning I am going into the education field. However, when my grandma told me I nearly became enraged when she said she was bailing her out. Are you kidding me? I wanted to let her rot as much as possible. I know her type and a bail out is not what she needs. But, whatever I'm just a punk kid who parties too much, what do I know? I suppose that bailing her out and trying to help her is the 'right' thing to do - but they've been bailing her out her whole damn life... and ... Rant. Rave. Etc.

I am going to help this person in chat now. Then I am going to hang out with people at work. Then I will drink Sake and eat food and watch movies. And cuddle.