Everyone has varying levels of closeness they award people in their lives. For me, I have certain tiers, for sure. There's the Facebook friends/work friends/acquaintances, friends, close friends, framily, and family.

The first group doesn't get much of me and I don't expect much of them. They might pass me over for an invite or forget my birthday. No big deal, we're not real friends.

I don't have very many people in the second or third categories really, though a few. Siblings and friends of those in the framily group mainly make up this category. I want to know you better, but it might be weird if I called you up for a one on one, or if you did to me though we'd likely have a good time if either of us decided to reach out. My social anxiety prevents me from doing so, and I'm just a passing glance to most so you don't either. So here we are.

Unfortunately/fortunately most of my "friends" are in the framily group. I've known you for a decade or more and I've accepted your family as my own. My Scorpio brain gets depressed when I'm not invited to your family exclusive camping trips or for the holidays and I have to remind myself I'm not actually related by blood.

Then there's my actual blood family, which doesn't include all those exiled I suppose, but are the ones that are supposed to be there thick and thin.

So, here's the problem I have. My actual family doesn't invite my unit along. John doesn't get invited to fathers day fishing trips with every. other. father. in my family. We don't get invited on trips or getaways. I'm not asked to be included in wedding planning or included in day to day conversations. I'm the last to know about illnesses or other serious things within the family. The last to know about college plans or new relationships. When I did reach out to try and form connections, at the very least for Oliver's sake, I've failed to receive the connection I sought. Which leaves me really only reaching out when I need something to protect my fragile ego. Which feels shitty for me and I'm sure shitty for them. I feel like the black garbage sheep and I'm sure they feel used. Not healthy for anyone but I'm clueless as to how to fix it, so I don't.

My framily are those who are the closest to me but there's no blood relation there. My closest friends who I would do anything for. And I'm learning more and more that the feeling here is not reciprocal. It's unfair to expect everyone to give of themselves or to love as easy as I do, and I understand that, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. When they move away, make big life decisions, leave me off the invite, it hurts like a dagger to the heart. And it's not all about me, obviously. Sometimes people grow apart and one (me) still tries to hold on. But I've never been very good at letting go.

So I don't know what to do. I don't know how to voice the fact that hey you're my family and you're supposed to love me damnit without sounding desperate, needy, or crazy. But... hey... you're my family...and you're supposed to love me, damnit. And that goes for blood relations or no. But if it's not there, it's not there. So what do I do? I can hide in my room and cry, which is the likely choice. I can cut out everyone who doesn't reciprocate my level of attachment (which let's be honest here, is literally everyone I know). For now I'm just trying to purge my brain of this because this feeling of massive unlovedness is sitting on my chest suffocating me and I can't sleep and I have to get up in four hours.

I tried to get a group together for a silly scavenger hunt and couldn't get 15 people in my life to care enough. I host parties people are hours late to if they show at all. I'm left out of conversations and events. And I know this isn't everyone. Of course it's not or I'd have totally stopped trying. But connections and relationships are extremely important to me. As is love and acceptance. And John is but one man, and while his love is immense, it's a romantic love. And I crave a social love as well. I crave people to paint my toenails with and watch Disney movies, a group that makes me feel like I am a part of something bigger than myself, something that is larger than the sum of its parts. I crave siblings, and cousins, and nieces and nephews and the whole damn shebang. I crave a family that wants me as badly, deeply, and wholeheartedly as I want them. That doesn't make me feel like I'm not wanted or removed from their inner circle. That is inclusive, and caring, and equal. And maybe someday I'll have that. I feel like I might have, once. But I keep trying to build it and I keep failing. And the only way seems to be to have a ton more kids. But they're expensive. Also babies are gross and boring.

Now my rant has become a ramble. It doesn't matter, no one reads this anyway.

Good night... I hope.

When I graduated from PCC eight years ago my family threw me a giant BBQ celebration  "It's only community college," I protested, "it doesn't mean anything." But they were proud, not many in our family had attended school and it was a big deal to them. I'll take nearly any excuse for a BBQ and a good time, so there it was. 

Yesterday, I attended a commencement for the moment I had been waiting for for those long eight years. Despite having a primary and back-up set of guests, I attended with only my husband and son. Which is fine, but disheartening. No one offered to throw me a party, so I decided to throw myself one. A giant house party and BBQ, all the fanfare necessary to celebrate a moment that actually means something. 

I'm not sure if it's because I'm almost 30 and popular opinion is that I should have had this completed seven years ago, or if college graduation is seen as a child's accomplishment and I own a home, cars, have a child, and already an established decent paying job. I'm not sure if it's that I've just fallen out somehow with family and friends, which I think is likely due to other events that my unit is excluded from and that we've had with none in attendance. I feel adrift between friend groups and disconnected from my kin. I'm not sure if it's because with self-deprication I put graduate in quotations because I still have four classes left until I actually get my diploma. 

Whatever the reason, here I am feeling accomplished as fuck. I worked 40+ hours a week and attended school full time over the last two years, all while raising a toddler and much of the time being the sole breadwinner and leader of our home. I feel like I'm a superhuman but... I'm not allowed to talk about it. Like the 20 year old getting their driver's license for the first time or a 30 year old who lost their virginity, I'm past my prime where I'm allowed to care as much as I feel myself caring. And it fucking sucks.

On the train into town yesterday we were not the only ones headed to commencement ceremonies. People were there, having flown in from Idaho to attend their family member's. The ballroom where mine was held was full of families and friends taking up full tables. I recall the many events celebrating graduation that happened last summer for my friends and family members. Events so large that no house could hold them. Huge parties that filled lawns and lasted well into the night. Photo booths and presents and celebration and fanfare.

And then there's me, a year later feeling rather underwhelmed. 

I know that sometimes days just don't work for people and events just don't work out. I get it. But... that doesn't make it not hurt. It feels even more like it's something to do with me, particularly. Because this isn't just a commencement party, it's also my grandma-mom's birthday and a nod to John being laid off and... Still... rather empty.

Which is not to discount those that are coming. It's a running joke now among my inner family that we should stop calling events "birthday party for John" or "game night" or "holiday party" but should just start labeling everything "dinner with the Kingsburys". It's pretty accurate. They show up, they stay late, they generally reciprocate invites, they love my kid, and they've let us crash with them when we didnt have anywhere to go. Framily for life. 

And we've got a few more as well, and I'm sure it'll be fine.

I'm not mad that more aren't going to be in attendance, I'm not upset at any person or group that missed my commencement or fails to acknowledge my fragile tender heart. I just feel adrift. And I know it's silly. For an almost 30 year old to feel any kind of way about an accomplishment that is so ordinary it's expected of everyone. 

And it's all rather mixed in my head because I haven't done anything, not yet, I do still have 4 classes left. And really, I just missed everyone and wanted to have an excuse to get together and laugh and eat and see the faces of my friends and family and feel connected. And this culmination of things felt important somehow. And then, all of the sudden not at all. So I'm out of the mood, and I kind of just want to cancel the whole thing and not leave my bed. 

But it is still my grandma-mom's birthday, and she's almost 70, and even if I don't deserve a party, by God she does! So I'll shift the focus and have a dinner for her and then I'll finish up my night with "dinner with the Kingsburys" and all will be as it is. 

Why do I have to choose loving myself or loving you? I want the freedom of routine and the freedom to abolish routine. The ability to paint and shape and do to this body what I will, and still have your love. To not feel like I have to hide though I've done nothing wrong. To never have to hide, even if I had. To know your love is unconditional and strong, and deeper than the surface of this world. For you to know that mine is. And though I'll always love you, my patience is wearing thin. My love is not a contract. Not to be your flawless plaything or always at your side. Not to keep myself unblemished and serene. Not to hide away from all the world but you. My love is an oath. To love you, always. To try to understand your insanities. To be with you in all you do. To stand by you. Not to agree with you. Not to become you. Not to give up myself in pursuit of you. But I'm already gone. My small acts of self are shut down as rebellions against parental force. My wanders into other realms are held as attacks on the one we share. I'm beginning to feel like I'm drowning I beginning to give up on the hope you promised me I'm beginning to give up on me

A while ago, I was offered a job at an amazing school to be a preschool teacher- at the same time however, my current employer offered me a lead position. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my professional life, but as many of you know - I took the lead job. There were a variety of reasons for this, but mainly that I loved the people I work with, flexibility to attend school, and money. With John out of work and all the bills money was huge, as the bump was substantial.

Well... loving the people I work with has changed. I assumed that the relationships I'd spent the last 2 years (or 16 years) meant something and that when I got promoted people would back me up and be my friends and help me out. However instead I was met with resistance and challenges and complete attitude changes from those I'd known the longest. People I've known over half my life are now strangers. Literally because of a title at a job that none of them even want. I do not get it. But, because of this and the behavior of it I am constantly on egg shells at work. Because literally everything I do or say is being reported. So I am terrified of failure, and even though none of the people causing these feelings wanted the job, I feel like I am not good enough for it. I feel a constant tightness in my chest and uneasiness 24/7 now. I have been in a training/leadership role in every job I've ever had. I have met resistance at most of these because I'm usually the new kid on the block when I get promoted/take on new roles/responsibilities. And it's rolled right off because I didn't have connections with anyone, so I didn't care. But now I care. I know that I'm a good trainer, that I know everything I need to excel at this position, but because of others I can't shake this weight.

I haven't changed anything in my attitude or interactions other than now I have new roles, though day to day is really not different - except the attitudes of a small group of my coworkers. Like - hold the door open for everyone but let it slam in my face, turn around and walk the other way on the street - changes. I organized tons of events last year which had great participation, this year, nothing.

So work is now a place where I dread going. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. For something I do or say to come across in a way that will get me fired. My style has always been direct. I don't really believe in  buttering people up or kissing ass or stroking egos. And now all of the sudden I feel I have to.

Add to that being a mom to a potty training 3 year old and taking 16 credits a term, and constantly running at a financial deficit, and I'm biting John's head off because I am in constant flight or fight mode.

Also there's a mass shooting like every day. And Trump might be our president. I've literally stayed up nights fretting & trying to wrap my head around that. How and why our society is so broken that this is even a possibility.

Oliver told me not to cry about the shooters because the cops always get the bad guys...which just made it worse. What kind of world are we leaving our kids?

So yeah - work is a mess, school and kid and wifing is hard, all the while the world around me is splitting at the seams.

At least the rain sounds pretty outside.

How many days can you be on the verge of tears, of falling apart, before you just give in and shatter into a million pieces?

Change is in the air. The power couple that is no more, the fated couple that finally said goodbye, the ordinary couple reveals what's behind closed doors. A child is diagnosed with a disease that alters the rest of her life and those around her. A friendship rekindled will have to face all of America in between.

Here I sit. Waiting for the hammer to fall. Already quadruple digits negative. Already being beat against the shore. Change whirling around me so fast and furious that the wind sucks the breath from my lungs. Move to a new town, change routine, chaos and disarray, be a mom, a wife, a student, no resources left to be a lover.

Love. Love and love and love. Let the rest of the world, the rest of the relationship, the rest of life go. Work to love me and show me you love me, and I'll work to love you and show you I love you... then the rest of this shit? It goes without saying. It is remedied without thought. We are perfected without labor, except for the labor of love.

.Sigh.

My romantic hopelessness. If only it were really that simple. If only the power of love was an actual ability. If only true love's kiss really was the most powerful force in the world. Instead it is greed, it is chaos, it is the insurmountable entropy that only through the sheer force of our combined wills is stopped from tearing this planet we call home to the far flung corners of the galaxy. For now.

Each and every day is not a struggle to thrive, but to survive. I wish that my love was enough. I have rivers and oceans of radioactive adoration in my ample frame, rendered inert by your preconceived notions of what that means. Your expectations quell the crests and calm the seas.

All that wasted potential energy creates a deep, unsettling itch. An itch to break free. To run away. To dive into the washing waters of eternity without a second thought. Instead though... I sit. On the verge of tears. On the verge of giving up. On the verge of shattering like frozen glass.

I want you to romance me
Dance with me
Underneath the stars
Make me forget about
The lines on my face
and the scars on my heart

Make me feel twenty
fearless
ready to take on the world
Like there's no past
and no regrets

Make my body forget
it's done anything other
than enjoy every moment

get drunk with me on life
and cheap wine
run wild
have the whole world look at us
like we're madnimals

oh yes, and make up words

write me a love song
and sing it to me
even if ever so slightly
off key

braid daisy chains amidst wildflower
fields of grass and sunlight
get sticky sweet strawberry headaches
and act like the world's our stage

make me feel like for a moment
for all moments
I am your world and you
are my infinity

Weekend Recaps

It's tough work keeping a two year old entertained. I have no idea where he is getting all of that energy! He sure must be burning a lot too, since he hasn't gained any weight since his birthday. They aren't concerned as he's grown upwards and iron and everything is good. I wish he'd eat more, and better foods but I'm trying to make the best with what he will eat. He'll eat meal bars and the like which at least are fortified with vitamins/minerals, and drink the V8 fruit/veggie blends, so at least there's that.

There was only one workout this weekend, and one rest day. I didn't do Monday's workout yet - I turned in way early since I tuckered myself out playing sled dog running around the neighborhood pulling Oliver in his wagon. By the way, flats don't make good running shoes. I wish that I could find mine, but they've been hidden since the move. In any event, I guess it's double workout today - or just count my joust around the neighborhood as exercise enough. 

I am fairly disheartened that I only lost 1.4 lbs this week. However, I seem to be getting stronger as we go along. I am worried, however, that my shoulder/neck injury I sustained from a car accident I was in a month ago is catching up to me. The last several days I've felt some nerve pain while working. Ugh. Contacted my insurance company so we'll see if I can go to a chiropractor or whatever. Guess it's back on the pills for a bit. Lame.

Saturday: 1130 calories in, none out

Sunday: 1073 calories in, 87 out.

Weekly total: 9110 calories in; average of 1301 a day. Guesstimate of 477 calories burned for the week; average of 68 a day. 

Mathematically speaking, I burn about 2000 calories a day just from life, so I should be at 5000+ calorie deficit given my numbers...which does equate to about a pound and a half. I guess it all adds up. Logic, blah. At this rate, I'll be at my goal weight in about 15 weeks.Which is a big number, and a small number at the same time. 

Numbers from this weekends workout:

Step-up Right: 23 (up 6 from day 4)
Step-up Left: 20 (up 3 from day 4)
"Jump rope":125 (up 1 from day 4)
X Squats: 26 (up 2 from day 4)
Pogo jump:  146 (up 16 from day 4)
Burpee:  12 (same as day 4)
Jumping jacks:  45 (up 5 from day 4)
Side shuffle squats:  27 (up 5 from day 4)
Star plank jumps: 31 (up 1 from day 4)

My scale may not say what I want it to say, but these numbers make me proud. Really all I want is to be strong, energetic, and able to happily chase my kid around the playground for as long as he wants. I feel like I'm on my way there. 

Talk to you guys later!

BBM-Day 5

I don't know how many of you watch Parenthood, but oh man, that was an emotional episode (watched last night's). Bring out the tissues. I am so not ready for this show to end as it really has had a huge impact on me and has helped me through some stuff. Which might be weird to say for a show but it's the truth nonetheless. 

Here are my numbers from my AM session (day 4 workout)

Step-up Right: 17 (up 3 from day 2)
Step-up Left: 17 (up 1 from day 2)
"Jump rope":124 (up 4 from day 2)
X Squats: 24 (up 3 from day 2)
Pogo jump:  130 (up 9 from day 2)

My video decided to pause/back out at this point so I had a longer break than 30 seconds, which allowed me to kill those jumping jacks!

Burpee:  12 (up 5 from day 2)
Jumping jacks:  140 (up 12 from day 2)
Side shuffle squats:  (up 1 from day 2)
Star plank jumps: 30 (up 7 from day 2)

As proud of myself as I was for waking up early to do a workout, I laid in bed for an hour from 8 til 9 trying to barter with myself to skip the nightly workout. Luckily my sound voice won out and I got her done.

PM Session (day 5 workout):

Squat Press: 24 (same as day 3)

Bent Rows: 32 (up 2)

R Liberty Lunge: 15 (up 3)

L Liberty Lunge: 12 (up 1)

I have a really hard time with balance on the liberties. If come across them again I think I'll try dropping the weight in my off hand to balance on a chair or wall.

Irish Jig: 130 (up 21!)

L Raise: 28 (up 5)

Mountain Climbers: 40 (up 7)

Plank: 34 sec. (Up 4 sec)

These videos weren't filmed in real time, it was just a recycle from day 2 and 3. Which I wasn't a fan of. Even if the exercises were the same, one thing I didn't like about 21 day fix is the first week watching the videos they were new, inspiring, etc. but the second and third weeks they started getting boring. So I hope that this isn't something she does very often. It's nice to have her say "sore from those pushups yesterday", etc. and actually have it mean yesterday, not two days ago. I guess I understand recycling from a cost perspective though as she does have a film crew, etc. so it probably would get a little spendy to do a brand new video every day for 90 days. 

Food calories in: 1036; exercise out 141. 

Unfortunately a lot of those calories were from fat & sugary foods. Stress eating, but not as bad as my OD on grease yesterday. 

In other news, no job yet for DH and it's been a week. We're officially in feeling the lack of his paycheck territory and I am terrified. However, my demon child shed some of his grumps tonight and I got some cuddles in, so all is right in the world as far as I'm concerned.

See you tomorrow!

BBM Days 3/4

This morning my hell beast was a bit sweeter. However, last night was the worst. THE worst with him. And I caved. Into a bucket of fries and some ranch. Which left me feeling gross and bloated and nasty so I didn't work out. So I got up this morning and busted out my delayed workout. The very first time *ever* that I've gotten up early to sweat it out, so I'm pretty proud of myself in that regard. But kind of feeling not so great about my eating yesterday... which we also found out the DH can't get unemployment, so we're going to have to live off my income until he gets something. If anyone knows IT firms hiring, or anywhere! please let me know.

Day 3:
Calories: 1318. Exercise: ~64.

Squat Press: 24
Bent Rows: 30
R. Liberty Lunge: 12
L. Liberty Lunge: 11
Irish Jig: 109
L Raises: 23
Mountain Climbers: 33
Plank: 30 seconds


Day 4:
The worst.
Calories: 1807 Exercise: 0

Bring it on day 5!

BBM - Day Two

Yesterday was an okay day, DH did well on his assessment and has a possible web design job lined up, but in Seattle, so that's kind of unfortunate as the company is wanting him to drive there. I am hopeful that we'll have *something* soon, even if it's just unemployment.

Food-wise I did okay, though I did have pizza for dinner and fruitcake dessert. Even so, total caloric intake for the day was 1460, with about 95 calories burned in exercise; so net under 1400 which is pretty good and still puts me at weight loss.

I'm feeling a bit hungrier today than I have been the last couple of days, which is hopefully indicative of an increase in my metabolism as I've actually been moving the last couple of days. I am curious as to how accurate the caloric burn estimate is as well. The workouts haven't been terribly long, but they are obviously effective. Just ask my quadriceps that can't work today and have me limping around the office. Though for MyFitnessPal it's all about the cardio, and it goes off of time not movements or mileage so that's obviously skewed somewhat as well. The options around that are to buy additional equipment (FitBit or one of their other sponsored trackers) which I'm not really about. Oh well, it does give me an estimated look and that's really all it can be.

From watching Bikini Body Mommy videos it looks like she does a blend of strength and cardio in each work out, regardless of what style she's aiming for for the day, which I suppose works since cardio burns the fat and strength builds the muscle. Maybe 90 days will be enough to build a habit. 21 obviously wasn't. It works out nicely of course that I likely will be sporting a bikini in 90 days or so, taking a vacation to somewhere where the sun is shining. I hope we're able to get away, even for only a weekend. To be honest though, even if I stick with it for the full 90 days I know I'll want to give myself permission then to really let loose, and I'll say just for a day but it'll turn into two and then five, etc. I really hope to not let that happen this time around, and to keep it super restricted until I hit my goal, then adjust for maintenance.

My numbers from day two:
Step-up Right: 14
Step-up Left: 16
"Jump rope": 120
X Squats: 21
Pogo jump: 121
Burpee: 7
Jumping jacks: 26 (I hit my failure point during burpees)
Side shuffle squats: 21
Star plank jumps: 23

I feel fairly good about those numbers and am excited to see how much improvement is possible. I watched day three already, and it seems tough, given the fact that currently, walking is tough.

See you guys tomorrow!

1200 Calorie Meal Plan Success

Well, back on the wagon sure feels a lot like sore quads. Ha! In other news, I think I've cracked the lo-cal mystery of how to not be hungry.

Breakfast: Meal replacement shake (190)
Snack: 1 medium banana (105)
Lunch: 14 baby carrots, 2 Tbsp. hummus (120)
Snack: 1 small gala apple (55)

Bam! Your day without hunger, and it's vegetarian too - so yay? I seriously think the secret is that carrots take forever to eat and are super crunchy.

Then of course I go home and eat a pretty decent dinner. Last night it was fish tacos, delicious! But you've got 700+ calories to play with depending on exercise so you can still go out with friends, have a drink, or whatever without feeling like you're undoing anything. Which for me, is a win.

Dinner: 3 fish tacos in corn tortillas with cabbage and siracha mayo sauce: 717.

Since I was then at my goal and completed my fit test (which was brutal but earned me an extra 90 calories), I had a few peppermint kisses for good measure. (98)

My fit test stats (amount in 50 seconds):

Squat Press: 23
Tricep Dips: 15
Jump Squats: 18
Pushups: 3
R Lunge Kick:10
L Lnge Kick: 11
Mountain Climbers: 16
Plank: 27 seconds

Sadly, these aren't that bad for what I consider my baseline. I mean, I did 3 whole push ups. So obviously, I still have some residual strength in there somewhere. I feel like this style of workout video is pretty awesome, like where she's actually heavily breathing and having to pause, etc like you know, a real person. Tonight is cardio, woo! (SARCASM) I seriously hate cardio. So, so much. Yet I realize its importance for weight loss and endurance so I guess I'll do it. Maybe.

When did this become a fitness blog?

In other news my kid is still a demon beast, but at least I got some giggles out of him this morning! Husband had a second interview today, please send all of the good vibes our way.

See you tomorrow!

Back on the wagon. Again.

At the end of the 21 day fix I was looking better than I've looked in years, feeling great and like I was unstoppable. Then, for no explicable reason... I stopped. Stopped caring about portions, stopped caring about balance, stopped exercising just....stopped. I have no reason for why, other than it is easier not to. I swore I'd never fall of the bandwagon again, but here I am, very much so off it.

And ready for a change. Again.

Last week I started tracking my food, trying to get an idea of where I'm at versus where I could be, and came in 2800 net calories above my weekly goal. Essentially, I ate for nine days and only lived seven. Well, no wonder I'm fat because that was me 'taking it easy' on the food. So here I am, full week one of 2015 and joining on the new year, new me bandwagon! It isn't easy...

Last night, I wanted to watch a couple of TV shows, relax before bed. That turned into entertaining the husband until the wee hours. My stomach was a mess in the night, interrupting my sleep. I get up late, throw on some clothes and wake up the kiddo who screams bloody murder at me for doing so. I tried to change his diaper, to which he started screaming "NO DIAPER, POTTY TRAIN" at me repeatedly. Sorry kid, but running late on a Monday morning is not the time to have this revelation. After some contortionism and my big boy voice I managed to wrangle the diaper closed. Only to have the same battle for socks and pants. Luckily, my roommate who I carpool with was there to help me get him in his pants while I held both of kid's arms above his head in one hand and his leg straight in the other. Then I had to bear hug him to stop him from ripping his pants off and hurry him to the car... where he screamed some more at me, kicked the door close multiple times and it required the two of us to get him into his car seat, where he immediately took of his socks and threw his milk on the ground. Yep, it's that kind of day. Work is pretty busy (writing this on a break, which is so needed). I go the restroom to realize my underwear are on backwards and inside out. What? No wonder they were feeling weird. Did I mention also that my DH got laid off, again, on Friday? So now we're completely out of money like always with no way to get ahead, on top of everything else.

At this point all I want to do is go home, curl up in bed, and eat my weight in potato chips and ice cream while binge watching some horrible reality TV and leaving the kid at daycare indefinitely.

I really, really, want to raid the candy bowl at reception. Also I think there are some doughnuts leftover in the break room. Is there such a thing as food rehab? I think I need it. Yet, I can guarantee beyond a shadow of a doubt I'd relapse immediately. Can anyone out there relate?

For now, I'll stay strong, drink my "slim rite" shake and a big glass of water and pretend that they will fill this hole inside of me. I've got to start working out again, so I joined Bikini Body Mommy, my intention to do her work out or one of the 21 day fix workouts every day for at least the next three months. Because obviously three weeks is NOT enough to form a lifelong habit, infomercial be damned. I'll keep tracking calories & workouts in My Fitness Pal and try to stay at a net 1200 calories a day.

Here. We. Go!

{Girlytech reviews} 21 Day Fix

Starting: 164 lbs, 185.5 inches, 39% fat.

Ending: 158.6 lbs, 176.5 inches, 37.9% fat.

I lost a lot from my chest unfortunately,  but also a bit from everywhere else too. John has commented on the fact that my backside seems higher and tighter - never a bad thing. My mindset on food has definitely changed as well. Will I be able to maintain this? I don't know. I had absolutely zero support start to finish, so it was very hard to stick to it, and as you know I didn't always. If I could actually get DH on board I would absolutely do it again. As time went on the food definitely got better as I started experimenting with flavors and types of food.

The workouts are something I plan on keeping up with. They're not horrible, and I can see results. This is where the biggest difference came from for sure. I already ate fairly well and less than this plan had me do, but workouts were few and far between. I think this is a sustainable plan as when I get stronger I'll be able to use more weight, less modifications,  etc.

Well, I'm sort of body conscious (read a lot) but I'm going to share these anyway....close my eyes and take solace in the fact that pretty much no one reads this.

As numbers indicate,  I didn't lose a whole lot. But hey, five pounds is five pounds and nine inches is nothing to scoff at. I'm going to let myself go a little tomorrow and then reign it in still. I still have 13.6 lbs to go, but I think this fix got me on the right track to getting there. Would it be worth it for someone to buy? Maybe. One thing I struggled with was the measuring, the containers seem like they'd fit food a lot better than a cup. I did see results,  but mostly from the 3 day fix portion. I would highly recommend this plan to someone who eats a lot of processed food, has trouble with overeating, or has a significant amount of weight to lose.

{Girlytech on} having a two year old

Yesterday, August 22nd, 2014, my little turned two. Two! I can hardly believe it. It feels like just yesterday I was running to the hospital from my doctor's appointment in a panic to get induced. Yet, that was also a life time ago. I can barely remember that life without my sweet son in it. I pondered a lot after I got pregnant and then we both lost our jobs whether it was all worth it. I can answer now fairly certainly that yes, yes it was. It is. We struggle without that extra money, sure. But the money doesn't matter when you have a little boy crawl into your lap and wrap his arm around your neck. The only thing that has been a struggle has been our marriage. With the increased financial burden, the loss of ... certain marital activities, and the diminishing freedom that comes with having a child, the increase of strife and tension has also gone up dramatically. Especially since John, while now being Oliver's friend, still has a long way to go to parenthood.

I watched a video the other day about the taboos of parenthood, and a lot of it rang true. I figured I'd take a second to comment on those as well.

Taboo 1: You can't talk about how you didn't love your child from the very first moment.

I have to agree that this isn't the case. I didn't feel that oh my goodness love until several months later. I felt attachment and protection to him, absolutely, but I think I do fall more and more in love with Oliver every day. I hear people say all the time how they loved their child before they were born, or got smacked over the head with a bucket of overwhelming love. That just wasn't the case for me, it took me a while to get to know him in order to feel that love. And for John, I don't even think he's there even yet, affection yes, but not love.

Taboo 2: You can't talk about how lonely being a parent can be.

I know a lot of people whose relatives either offer to come stay with the new mom, or are there to help them out. This taboo isn't really for these people, but for those of us who didn't have that happen. I felt not only abandoned by community and family, but also didn't have a spouse who was willing to help. So here I was, with this teeny tiny baby, all by myself. This loneliness was amplified when I had to go back to work when Oliver was only four weeks old. No one does this. Most day care providers refuse to take a child under six weeks. It wasn't until this point that I really realized how separate from my family I am. I know that my parents ( grandparents whatever you want to call them) are there for me if shit hits the fan, but that's kind of it. I don't get invited to family vacations like my sisters do, I don't get invited to dinner or to have coffee. Oliver doesn't get invited to go and hang out with his family, no one volunteers to watch him, with the exception of one of my sisters a few times when he was sub a year old. I saw all these coworkers whose parents watched their kids during the day as they were retired, or a SAHM sister, etc. and I just didn't/don't have any of that. In addition, I didn't/don't have a spouse who is a parent. I am the one getting up with Oliver, I am the one changing the diapers, making his food, bathing him, reading to him, putting him to bed. It is still incredibly isolating and lonely. I just expected family to step up, I expected John to step up. Now that they haven't, I'm kind of over the day to day of it, but this doesn't reduce the loneliness.

Taboo 3: You can't talk about your miscarriage.

Luckily, I don't have any experience with this. I know that it happens a lot, 20% of the time. I have heard a lot of stories of people's miscarriages personally, so I'm not sure that this is accurate within my social construct. I think a lot of that probably has to do with a more generational thing.

Taboo 4: You can't say that your average happiness has declined since having a child.

I think that most people do though, yeah? Again this might be a generational or social group thing as well. I feel like most people and parents I encounter know and understand that being a parent is hard, it is work. It is a labor of love, that instead of earning you money costs you money, and in exuberant amounts. With just the child care costs from two months we could take a Jamaican vacation. And I have cheap child care compared to a lot of people. Now add on food, clothing, diapers, wipes, etc. etc. and you've got a black hole in your bank account. Sure, happiness isn't just related to money, but that is a huge part of it. The strain of being a mother alone in the world also definitely decreases overall happiness. However, as the video stated overall happiness is just a piece of the puzzle. Because my joy level? My highest highs? Out of this world, and like nothing someone without a child can understand. That break your heart make you cry happiness that comes from just the smallest of gestures. A giggle, a stroke of your hair, a new word or sentence. I cannot even imagine the joy of him writing his name for the first time, or riding a bike, or going to school. He is still so small and yet has brought me insurmountable happy moments.

My Oliver is laid back, he's easy going, and he's smart and curious and fun. He really is everything I imagined having a kid would be. Sure, he's puke all over everything at 2 am too, but if that's the price to pay, I'm gladly paying it. While I want him to have siblings, I'm personally hesitant due to not wanting a more difficult child. That's kind of selfish, but hey. Also, we wouldn't do that unless our financial situation changes dramatically, so for the foreseeable future our lovely Ol is an only child. Stubborn and hesitant to share, but ours all the same. I wouldn't have it any other way.

{Girlytech reviews} 3 Day Fix

Starting measurements (though technically I took these on day 1 so not sure if they 100% count):

Hips: 40
Stomach: 37
Waist: 31
Chest: 39.5

Weight: 161
Fat %: 35.4

I'm a little (lot) disappointed in those numbers to begin with but....

Ending measurements:

Hips: 39
Stomach: 36
Waist: 30.5
Chest: 39

Weight:158.6
Fat %: 37.9

Thoughts during the program:

Day 1: So it turns out that I messed up making the hard-boiled eggs and they were still pretty much raw. So, that's a thing. I cracked one on my desk and ended up with raw yolk on my pants, and chair, and floor...not pretty. I'm happy I re-read the program before I started because I thought it was one tablespoon of coconut oil instead of a teaspoon, which would have been gross for one, and an extra 320 calories per day. Which would have put it somewhere in the 1800 range, way too high for my purposes. My first tsp I ended up mixing with hot water because it just wouldn't melt in the microwave while I was reboiling the eggs, I wouldn't recommend it. It's not too bad just straight up though. Food seemed like too much, like always... I really struggled to even do the workouts at all, and started to fall asleep during the rests,  but I got through both of them.

Day 2: I managed to resist temptation today! Went to a friend's business launch party and stuck to the veggie platter, no dip.

Day 3: That whole drinking coconut oil thing didn't work,  so I mixed it into the food - much better. I'm kind of over the monotony but hey, I'm done!

Overall: I'm surprised I was able to lose that many inches! I think my scale is full of lies on the fat percentage bit, it varies so much day to day. I think that this would be a plan to use to try and squeeze into a dress, etc. Though I don't think you could keep it up for more than three days because it is bor-ing.

{Girlytech does} 21 Day Fix Days 19-21

The 3 day fix starts now! Each day is going to be the same minus workouts so I figured I'd combine them, so you can see what I'll be doing, and then do a separate entry on my thoughts. This is a quick slim fix, simple foods, lots of protein. The guide & all the Beachbody coaches I've come across have heavily, heavily stressed that you shouldn't do this for more than the three days. Though the reasoning on that I imagine is due to balance not caloric intake, as this will have me slated for about 1500 calories a day depending on the type of veggies. I'm actually thinking I won't be able to eat that much food, we'll see.

I bought 1 lb of turkey (which will get separated into 4 portions), and 1.44 lbs (what the butcher threw up there) of tilapia, and I'll just use the chicken I have left from a previous purchase, buying more if needed. This will have my fish being 3.84 oz per serving; it's probably for the best that the fish is lower in size anyway because it's rolled in tortilla chips which...kind of is breaking the rules since it'll add sodium.

Beverages: 128 oz (gallon) per day. This is going to be the biggest challenge I think.

Meal 1: 1/2 cup plain oatmeal, 1 packet stevia. Egg whites, 1 tsp coconut oil (melted & taken like a shot)

I couldn't find anywhere that specifies how many egg whites. I'm guessing this means they're looking for 3/4 of a cup, 1 red. Since 1/4 cup of the egg white liquid stuff is listed as equaling 1 egg's worth, I'm going to eat 3 egg whites. Hard-boiled and just tossing the yolk (or getting someone else to eat it).

Meal 2: 3/4 cup chicken, 1/2 cup yams

Meal 3: 1 serving fish, 1 cup veggies

Meal 4: 3/4 cup chicken, 1 cup veggies, 1 tsp coconut oil

Meal 5: 1 serving fish, 1 cup veggies, 1 tsp coconut oil

Meal 6:  1 serving turkey, 1 cup veggies, 1 tsp coconut oil

Friday Workouts: Cardio, Upper
Saturday Workouts: Dirty 30, Pilates
Sunday Workouts: Yoga

{Girlytech does} 21 Day Fix - Day 18

Well, here we are. The last day of the normal fix. It was almost a disastrous one too, because I forgot to pack my lunch before I went to bed. I made a salad so fast on my way out the door, I think I'm getting pro at this. I'm feeling okay today, besides being exhausted (stayed up too late watching a movie), and my ankles are pretty sore. I must have done one of the exercises last night improperly.

Breakfast: Slim Rite shake
1 red, 1 yellow

Snack: Apple w/ peanut butter
1 purple, 2 tsp.

Lunch: 1 cup spinach, 1/2 cup romaine, 1/2 cup cucumber, 6 slices lunch meat, 2 Tbsp. balsamic vinegar/olive oil. For making this as fast as humanly possible, it turned out okay. Luckily balsamic has all the flavor.
2 green, 1 red, 1 orange

Dinner: 1/2 potato, 1 cup carrots, cheese, 8 oz. lean steak
1 yellow, 1 green, 1 blue, 2 red

Snack: 1/2 banana
1 purple

Workouts: Total Body Cardio & 10 min. abs. I noticed that the workouts still get me to the exhausted can't go anymore place, but my recovery time seems to be much increased. I am also significantly more flexible, at least in my legs.

Day 18 down, normal Fix down, 3 Day Fix to go!

{Girlytech does} 21 Day Fix - Day 17

I can taste the end of the program, I've got my shopping list ready for the 3 day fix, which doesn't sound like a lot of fun since I'm not really into meat/fish. Nothing but oats, yams, meat, veggies, and coconut oil for three days, and double workouts continue. We'll cover that when we get to it. In the meantime....Day 17!

Breakfast: Slim Rite shake
1 red, 1 yellow

Snack: Apple w/ peanut butter
1 purple, 2 tsp.

Lunch: 3/4 chicken, 1 cup broccoli, 1/2 baked potato
1 red, 1 green, 1 yellow

Dinner: 1/2 cup spinach, 1/2 cup romaine, 1/2 cup cucumber, 1/2 cup peppers,  1 can tuna, 1/3 cup cheese, 2 Tbsp dressing.
2 green, 1 red, 1 blue, 1 orange

Snack: 6 slices turkey, 1/2 frozen banana
1 red, 1 purple.

Workout 1: Lower fix. I am feeling it today! My main issue was a balance one today,  felt kind of wobbly.

Workout 2: 10 minute Abs. Uhm, ow. This isn't a normal do a move, rest, repeat. It's do crunches for 10 minutes straight. So, I imagine tomorrow will be fun.

Day 17 down, 4 to go! Tomorrow is the last normal fix day, let's go!

{Girlytech does} 21 Day Fix - Day 16

Breakfast: Slim Rite shake
1 red, 1 yellow

Snack: Apple w/ peanut butter
1 purple, 2 tsp.

Lunch: 1 cup spinach, .5 cup romaine, .5 cup peppers, 3/4 cup taco seasoned chicken, 2 Tbsp dressing.
2 green, 1 red, 1 orange

Snack: Fruit tart. Not approved, but better than chocolate cake?
Let's call it 1/2 purple, 1 yellow

Workout 1: Cardio. Beat from yesterday but powered through.

Dinner: 1.5 cups chicken, 1 cup broccoli, cheddar cheese
2 red, 1 green, 1 blue

Snack: 1/2 apple
1/2 purple

Workout 2: Upper. I did a real push-up! So... this is a victory for me. I almost did two! Two workouts a day is seriously no joke. Final push!

Day 16 down, 5 to go!

{Girlytech does } 21 Day Fix - Day 15

Breakfast: 3/4 cups non fat plain yogurt, 1/2 cup Grape Nuts. I used to eat this all the time, but it seemed really heavy to me today. Really good to keep you full a long time with all the fiber/protein though.
1 red, 1 yellow

I was so full from breakfast I didn't have a snack. I'm also off work for the day which always lowers my appetite anyway.

Lunch: 1/2 cup spinach, 1/2 cup romaine,  1/2 cup cucumber, 1/4 cup carrot, 1/4 cup peppers, 1 can tuna, 2 Tbsp homemade Balsamic Vinaigrette.
2 green, 1 red, 1 orange.

Snack: Apple & peanut butter
1 purple, 2 tsp.

Dinner: 3/4 cup chicken (chili powder & garlic), 1/3 cup cheese, lemon & lime juice, 1 cup romaine. 1 tortilla baked into crisps seasoned with lime juice and red pepper flakes.
1 red, 1 blue, 1 green, 1 yellow.

Workout #1: Full body cardio. This hit me super hard tonight in my legs and shoulders and.... everywhere! There's no way I'm jumping straight into Pilates after that. Let's take a break...

Snack: 1/2 frozen banana. 3/4 plain nonfat yogurt with cinnamon.

A snack and an episode of Sopranos and I'm back to it. 

Workout: Pilates. I can feel that I'm a little bit stronger in my arms, I'm able to hold the plank for some of the exercise instead of not even trying. Whew! I'm crazy for this, but I'm in the home stretch.

One day at a time, one pound at a time.

Day 15 down, 6 to go!