we're all a bit jaded

When did we all become so jaded?

Think back, far back... to a time when each day was full of emotional purity, clear thoughts, renewed hope, and limitless ambition. The world was literally at your fingertips and nothing and no one could stand in your way. Until, of course it or they did. I wonder, how is it that we can go from such innocent hope to such pessimistic views seemingly in the blink of an eye? We are eternally searching for something to fill this void we've created within ourselves. Something, someone. Is it that our optimism really is dead, or that we keep setting higher and higher standards each time we fail to meet our original? If that is the case, then we are creating this sort of catch-22 self fulfilling prophecy. Creating expectations for life, for love, we know that no one will ever reach - and then we are disappointed when they don't. With each failed project, wish, relationship we seem to set the bar for the next one even higher; furthering our perpetual sorrow and downheartedness. Which begs to question: Can a broken heart ever truly mend?

Do the scars from your past ever really fade away? We like to pretend that they do, we like to put on that face and say that we judge each day of it's own accord. But who are we kidding? Your parental doubts led to you seeking that perfect mate - and we they fell short we seek for something better - better. Why don't we simply search for something different? For something that fits our brokenness, our pessimism, our jaded perspectives?

I still feel like I was just broken up with, like my hearts on the mend - from time to time. My ex and I broke up over a year ago. Perhaps the adage from Charlotte from Sex in the City is true... we don't heal until half the total time in the relationship. Maybe this is true. Somehow I feel that a truer assumption is that we simply never heal. We go through the motions of grief, we get over the worst of it, but the shadows never really are shaken from our frame.

The more we go through life, the more shadows we collect. This isn't to say we cannot find happiness within our covered and jaded frames, that a broken heart cannot love immensely. It's just that the shadows of past hurts and failures cling to the happiness and shroud the love. Perhaps we'll reach this wise old age and find a way to dispel them all. Likelier? We go insane. Senility, Alzheimer's, what is it really than our brain finally succumbing to so much past baggage? Finally throwing in the towel.

Here's the real question. If, in our current condition, we are all so jaded; if a broken heart can never fully heal... Can we break the cycle? Is there some way to reach within ourselves and fix the broken and chipped pieces? I still have faith that there may be. Perhaps, one day, I'll be proven right. Or, I'll fail in someway that erases that faith from within. I suppose, as they say, only time will tell.

I am sorry if you waste your time with my like billion posts a day

I really am. I'm trying to go to bed, and I keep thinking over and over... 

What did this mean? What does that mean? That couldn't have been for me, could it have? Why am I full to the brim with buzzing butterflies one moment, and hollow the next? Am I vain?

Was it like this before and my eyes just became opened? Did everyone really change that much towards me? 

If I don't like him, why won't he get out of my head? Is it all just a game? Is he nothing more than a puzzle I have to solve? A riddle?

What about the other him, why do I feel such an incessant desire to open his brain and delve inside? Will it be comforting? Terrifying? We've only spoken a dozen words to each other, does reading someone's thoughts count? What was the comment, the post about? Did my own vagueness inspire something so vague no one will ever know? Deleted, why? Will I ever actually be able to pry? Will I have the balls? Am I wallowing in self pity? Am I so broken I can't even see it? 

Will we stay together? Will we fall away? The internet, is is strong enough? Without common ground can we still be friends? Will we even lose that common ground? Will our employer make the right decision?

Where am I going to go to school? What am I majoring in? Do I double major? How am I to do it? Where do I live? Work? Is the potential gain worth the guaranteed loss? Is there anything left to lose? Is there even anything to gain?

How was I able to be so honest and open? Have I changed, or is it just my perception? Is perception reality? Am I reality? Who decides what is fact and what is illusion? Why?

Is there a God? Does he love me? Do I anger him by my collage of beliefs? Delight him? Will he touch me as he did in the past again? Do I have to hold on to that one feeling to last forever? Was it all in my mind?

Does he really think I'd let him go? Is it really so trivial? Isn't it? Could I walk away the day our client does? Never look back? Would it all fade? Will I ever find what I'm looking for?

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?