my temper runs high

So. With that prequel out of the way, you can fully understand why I was upset when today I received this from my mother:

"I'm going to delete you. I wanted to see how you are doing and maybe be part of your life but it is too painful. I hope for your own sake that you come clean about who abused you and who you abused if only to yourself and your fiance.
My dad died so he didn't get the chance to walk me down the aisle and that forever makes me sad. You have a dad who loved you and cherished you above all else, including me. Why you turned on him I guess I'll never understand.
I'm sorry I couldn't be the mother you needed."

I turned on him, of course. These crazy people. Anyway, I retaliated rather than leave it alone...because, that's just me.

"What you do is definitely up to you. I am surprised to see you are still with someone who has held a gun to your head and knocked you unconscious in violent fits of rage. Perhaps it is you who needs to be honest with yourself and those around you. I still have nightmares about the things that I experienced growing up, and certain things will still send me into a panic attack. I try to convince myself that I'm not a child anymore, he can't hurt me ever again. I made the right choice by leaving and saving my own life. I don't understand how you could say no abuse took place when I had a gun held to me. How is that a loving and cherishing father? I do know that he wasn't all bad. Sure, we had some times that were okay. However, it was not worth risking my life to stay there to have those fleeting times of love. I thought that some day if you were willing to admit what happened, we could become close again. Maybe he's changed. Perhaps the realization that someone could escape his tyranny shook him enough that he cleaned up his act and has become a better person. I don't know. I myself have no evidence to this belief. If he had come to me, called me and apologized for all the times he ever hit me, all the times I was thrown downstairs or against walls by my throat. If he showed genuine emotion and was grieved by what he had done... I would be able to possibly consider forgiving him. I have been debating whether or not to invite you to my wedding in July. I know that you have your problems like anyone, but for the most part were just a victim like so many other women out there - and I can't hold it against you. You weren't always the best mom, but when you were on your medication and had your head on straight the only issues that were there were just my teenage authority conflicts. The only thing I have any regret over in the long run is that I didn't fight harder for Alex. While he had you literally throwing yourself in harm's way for him, he still received the physical abuse. I realized later, that the anger of your situation being known had a high probability in throwing your husband into an unstable state and that he only had you and Alex to take it out on. I will always be sorry that I wasn't able to save Alex. Always. He exhibits the classic symptoms of someone being abused, even now, I hope that his father has changed and that these are only after effects of his childhood.

This situation has taught me that no matter what someone says, your heart is the only thing you can follow. I was told that no one would ever love me, that I was undesirable. Now I am engaged to a fantastic man who would never dream of laying a hand on me.

I was told that foster homes were full of molestors and rapists. I learned that this was just another scare tactic to keep me from admitting what was going on. The foster parents I've met ... you and your husband couldn't even think of trying to hold a candle to.

I was told my grandfather was a cruel man. He's been my rock since I took it upon myself to escape. He is the kindest, gentlest, most sincere man I've ever known. I wonder how your husband became the way he is with such a father... I suppose some things are simply genetic. Based on his father's history, you'd have to agree.

I have learned that I am strong. That I can survive. That nothing and no one can kill my soul, try as they might. I was terrified to go into stores by myself, just in case he was there. I look at that scared child, crying at the police station, and I wonder why I didn't leave sooner. I'm sure things would have clicked better for you had he actually killed me, but I'm glad we didn't get to find that out.

Through all the lies, I can still forgive you. You were a child taken by this man, and it is normal for you to cling to him. You should never have chosen anyone over your children, but... you did. Still, just realize the truth of the matter. Whatever you've blocked out - painful as it may be, relive it. I don't expect you to apologize for what it he did, that was his choice - not yours. I may still be upset that you allowed it to continue for so long, but time will heal. All you have to do is stop this facade that nothing was wrong, that he's this perfect person. Just admit what happened. Maybe I'll be able to build a relationship with you off of that. I'd like for you to be able to see your future grandchildren, though they will never, ever be allowed to be alone with your husband unless something miraculous occurs.

I guess that's all I have to say."

Which -- also in my fashion is very, very long.

Anyway, now you know how my day went.

A night in Portland

Aah Portland! Boo school!

Last night I got home and realized that I probably should at least make an attempt to do something for this PE class I'm online taking. I count walking - as it burns the same calories and has same health benefits as running, but doesn't murder my shins/ankles/knees/etc. Since I am in love with walking in Portland it's not hard at all for the motivation - as long as it's not frozen or down pouring I'm all good.

So we leave and head towards the river, and then realize that we could go downtown and that's all good. So we walk towards the MAX. There is a whole MAX train which emptied at Lloyd Center. I wonder what was going on? Oh well. We sit down on a bench and watch the police talk to some kids. Then we hop on our train. A couple stops down a lady with face paint (and not like good face-paint) gets on and starts asking the whole train if they want dissolvable tobacco. I decline, but realize that a clove does sound pretty delicious at the moment.

We wander into the square. I really really want to host a masquerade ball there - in the middle ness with everyone in masks and fancy dresses. I think it would be the most magical thing ever. I need to figure out what I need to do / how much it'd cost to do it. There, just asked @TheSquare

A group of high school kids comes up to us and tells us it is free hug day. We get hugs from the group of six-ish. Aah good ol' Portlanders. Silly kids.

We wander some more, checking out fountains. When deciding on a cross street we see that the fountain at the waterfront is turned on. YAY SPRING! So we wander in that direction. As we get close to the WTC we hear songs playing. Interesting. Oh look, a prom. Nice. Continue to the waterfront, we start walking along and A Whole New World plays. How very appropriate and amazing. I can't believe I haven't lived in Portland forever - so amazing. The ... I don't even know - kind of look like ship ties, but don't know what / if their practicality is. Anyway - with my glee I want to jump up on one, but he does first. So then he takes my hand and I jump on one - with too much, something, because I then slip off and crush my foot in half. Ouch!

We continue along, and pass by a strip joint that has a lady dancing in the window. Uhm, this is so not Amsterdam... is that legal? I guess it must be...

Is that.... Irish music? Sounds live... let's find it. Oh look it's Kell's band with a super old man on snare. Nice! Kell's sounds nom but it doesn't really look too open to kids my age. So we continue to wonder, ooh look a Thai place. I do so love curries and pad thai and.... everything. Yellow curry with beef and potato and carrots and ooooh goodness! Seriously, might have been the best Thai I've ever had. E-San. My foot is like very ow so we head home.

I let him lead, even though he's going in the wrong direction. I don't mind, because I enjoy walking through this town with him. Plus, if we had gone the right way we wouldn't have seen the one armed street performer who was rocking my socks off. Harmonica playing and everything, it was super good for someone with two arms so like bonus points much?!

Walking back home.... check my online school, my professor's all yelling and preachy via e-mail, so I send her one back... and realize I misread the grade as 4/60 when really it was 4/6. Oops! Apologetic e-mail follow.

I watch the Heroes episode until teh internets died. Then off to bed with the most amazing boy ever. Yay for going to bed still at a somewhat decent hour (1:00am) Still way tired though... probably from deprivation build-up.

Now it is Easter, a day to remember and celebrate that we will have everlasting life. A day to remember love of each other - as every day should be. Work is once again boring, finished all the work by noon like normal.

Tricia just walks over and says - go home! Yay! Time to go make some deviled eggs and then visit families. I love my families. Yay for more time with boy too. Amazing boy who washes kitties and sets my things up for me so I don't forget and cares and loves God and alphabetizes the movies and... yeah. Anyway...

Teh Ends.

Chop Chops and such

Well, no Chop Chop Night is not over, or has it started. I am, however, sitting here at work losing my mind to the monotonous nature of it all. I think I've played Bubble Bounce 100 times, but I know I haven't because I haven't got that badge yet...

It makes me ridiculously sad that my love is leaving in two weeks... She deserves it though, so I can't complain too much. Or, can I? No - I will be supportive and such like she would be for me. It still makes me sad... Mixed with a slight bit of rage at them not offering me a job when I figured I was as good as him at least. Oh well, do I really want to leave my amazingness here? Well, that depends on how amazing it's going to be when I'm unemployed and all alone...

I hope that I can salvage some of this feeling that I have now... the feeling of waking up and wanting to go to work. I love what I do, I love the people I work with. I am going to miss the desire to go to work, it is quite strange. I can't wait to exit my roasting hell... I mean, home... and enter the crispness of the morning. I'm usually running late and get to drive like a crazy person. That's always fun. When I arrive in the morning I can get hugs and good mornings. It's awesome sauce, or pants - whichever you prefer.

I think that I have gotten lucky all things considered, to be where I am at. I could be doing a lot worse. I suppose that is the theme these days. My aunt apparently has a drug problem and is in jail and my grandpa is going to collect her children. I don't know what's worse, that everyone should have seen it coming or my extreme apathetic nature. I do care about her children, they are the reasoning I am going into the education field. However, when my grandma told me I nearly became enraged when she said she was bailing her out. Are you kidding me? I wanted to let her rot as much as possible. I know her type and a bail out is not what she needs. But, whatever I'm just a punk kid who parties too much, what do I know? I suppose that bailing her out and trying to help her is the 'right' thing to do - but they've been bailing her out her whole damn life... and ... Rant. Rave. Etc.

I am going to help this person in chat now. Then I am going to hang out with people at work. Then I will drink Sake and eat food and watch movies. And cuddle.