I'm thinking that I should go back through my old journals that I have and write them out. Store them for safe keeping in the electronic world. It would also give people...person, I don't know... the chance to see who I was before I got this whole thing up and running. Before I was compelled by a Mr. Johnathan Lee to start my own blog or else explode. Bet you didn't know you were the reason? Actually you probably did.
I'll begin this process once I am moved into my new apartment 100%, or at least when my journally things make their way over.
Speaking of moving, we've got so much moving left to do! John keeps saying it'll get done, but I'm starting to have doubts. Not like we have much choice in the matter though. Right now we've got the living room and kitchen half moved. Everything else hasn't been touched other than grabbing essentials. However, the place is wrecked! There are papers thrown everywhere, and so much stuff! I think that we'll end up having quite a bit to give to Goodwill, and another lot to throw away. We need to get some sort of filing system in place because there are lots of important documents that need to be kept that are currently strewn about.
February 1st. That's the day we're looking forward to. Two full time checks with prorated rent. Yes! Enough to catch up on bills, pay all the ones due, and give my lawyer his retention fee thing. Tax returns to cover the rest of the bankruptcy and then huzzah! The past can actually be the past. Thank goodness. Last year I spent my tax return paying down my debt so that I only had 2k. Now, just one year later, I'm looking at 28k. Joy. It would have been a lot more fun of a year had I been responsible for that massive increase. Oh well.
On to bigger, brighter, and better things. Right kids?
Showing posts with label past. Show all posts
Showing posts with label past. Show all posts
Monday, January 25, 2010
Saturday, November 14, 2009
The bigger the star, the faster it dies.
It is indeed a stressful time here in Paradise. With a feeling of being alone even when he's with me, and the usual drama... it's was a long day yesterday indeed. Somehow we got into a fight over the past...again. I'm not entirely even sure how it escalated the way it did other than a complete clashing of moral code. So I got the story that he'd been so desperately trying to tell me. I can only agree with - or bend my code to accommodate for 2 of his prior 7, or 8, or 9... I'm not sure which. A Sara and a Sarah... a Rachel that was included but not. So who knows? And when you start climbing into numbers that high, what does it even matter. Except for those two, every other person was against what I hold to believe as right. I understand the why, I do... and cannot blame a person for it. I know that not all hold themselves to such standards as I do myself. I understand the physical need, the want to please a partner, the want to feel needed and loved, and like you have the capacity for such inside yourself. So I am given the choice to get over it or get over him. Well, I never was planning on holding on to such things. It's more the lying that I don't like. The excuses, the trying to param in just the right thing to make each lie work within a prior lie and all to serve his agenda - whatever it may be at the time. He calls it differing perspectives, changing daily as he changes. I call it a load of crap. He hopes that I can trust him... Honestly, all I can say is that trust has to be earned - and once lost is not easily regained.
He will admit that I am not the love of his life - but says he does not believe - or doesn't have the capacity to feel as such. That he has loved others as much as he does me now, and that each one of us he has given himself completely to. Perhaps he doesn't believe in soul mates - I don't think he does. He says if I were to die, even if we were married for over 20 years, that he would love someone again, as much as he does me now. With such a fleeting definition and constraint, how do I know he will not find this next great love while I am still in the picture? He says he fell in love with the girl he cheated on Emily with. That he would have gladly spent his life with her. For something so purely based on physical, and in such a transgressional way... what do I really matter to him? The only way he could ease my mind would be to travel back in time and reevaluate his situation I suppose. The only way for me to not be feeling as I am is if he had said what I feel as truth, that he was not in love with her. Just because you fuck someone doesn't mean you love them. Apparently I've found myself one of those guys, of which there are many, that believes it does. That believes that the emotional hangs on the physical - or perhaps not even believes this as such, but knows it. Or rather, it is linked in the subconscious of which they may be unawares. I will tell you this. You cannot be in love with someone after knowing them for two days. No matter how much those two days will mean to you, it is not something you can do. You may fall in love with the idea of the matter, of how they portray themselves, of what things may be. You simply cannot love them enough to say you would spend the rest of your life with them after two days. Why did you say so little of Rachel? I have a feeling it was because you realized that you are a physical being. That you do not have to be in love to be with someone sexually ... that your very structure and foundation upon which you build your tales is nothing more than a rotten and termite infested plank.
I'm done arguing the matter. I know the truth of what is at hand. Now I am faced with the choice of whether or to call him foolish and naive or call him a liar. He is most definitely and irrefutably one of the two. . . But, which one?
If I call him foolish and naive, then I can hope that he will mature and will realize the facts as I do. If I call him a liar, than this is one too many times and the entire basis of our relationship is flawed. If he is foolish and naive I can stay with him. If he is a liar I cannot.
Perhaps I'm blind. Perhaps it's another one of the effects of the Addison poison. Perhaps I just don't want to know. Whatever it is... for now, frustrated and amazed and dumbfounded as I am... I will call him foolish. I will call him naive. I hope that he will understand his... perspective as such, with time look back and apologize the hell he put me through. For the lies he wove, unbeknown to him. I know that in taking this stance I show foolishness and naivety myself... but what choice do I really have?
In astrology we learned, the bigger the star the faster it "dies." I hope that this is not the same of love. The greater the love, the greater the passion, the quicker the flame is blown out to reveal reality. If that is the case I will have to simply hang up my hat. For I will not settle for a lessor love so that I may have forever, and I will not chase a great love to be so burned in the wake of its nova. So then, if this is the case I will choose no love.
I hope that this is not the case. That he will learn and grow and change and understand and comprehend the outlandishness of it all. That he will realize a new capacity for love. That he will find me to be the love of his life, his soul mate, the one that he loves above all past, present, and future. For if he does not... if he cannot... I'm not sure what I can do.
He will admit that I am not the love of his life - but says he does not believe - or doesn't have the capacity to feel as such. That he has loved others as much as he does me now, and that each one of us he has given himself completely to. Perhaps he doesn't believe in soul mates - I don't think he does. He says if I were to die, even if we were married for over 20 years, that he would love someone again, as much as he does me now. With such a fleeting definition and constraint, how do I know he will not find this next great love while I am still in the picture? He says he fell in love with the girl he cheated on Emily with. That he would have gladly spent his life with her. For something so purely based on physical, and in such a transgressional way... what do I really matter to him? The only way he could ease my mind would be to travel back in time and reevaluate his situation I suppose. The only way for me to not be feeling as I am is if he had said what I feel as truth, that he was not in love with her. Just because you fuck someone doesn't mean you love them. Apparently I've found myself one of those guys, of which there are many, that believes it does. That believes that the emotional hangs on the physical - or perhaps not even believes this as such, but knows it. Or rather, it is linked in the subconscious of which they may be unawares. I will tell you this. You cannot be in love with someone after knowing them for two days. No matter how much those two days will mean to you, it is not something you can do. You may fall in love with the idea of the matter, of how they portray themselves, of what things may be. You simply cannot love them enough to say you would spend the rest of your life with them after two days. Why did you say so little of Rachel? I have a feeling it was because you realized that you are a physical being. That you do not have to be in love to be with someone sexually ... that your very structure and foundation upon which you build your tales is nothing more than a rotten and termite infested plank.
I'm done arguing the matter. I know the truth of what is at hand. Now I am faced with the choice of whether or to call him foolish and naive or call him a liar. He is most definitely and irrefutably one of the two. . . But, which one?
If I call him foolish and naive, then I can hope that he will mature and will realize the facts as I do. If I call him a liar, than this is one too many times and the entire basis of our relationship is flawed. If he is foolish and naive I can stay with him. If he is a liar I cannot.
Perhaps I'm blind. Perhaps it's another one of the effects of the Addison poison. Perhaps I just don't want to know. Whatever it is... for now, frustrated and amazed and dumbfounded as I am... I will call him foolish. I will call him naive. I hope that he will understand his... perspective as such, with time look back and apologize the hell he put me through. For the lies he wove, unbeknown to him. I know that in taking this stance I show foolishness and naivety myself... but what choice do I really have?
In astrology we learned, the bigger the star the faster it "dies." I hope that this is not the same of love. The greater the love, the greater the passion, the quicker the flame is blown out to reveal reality. If that is the case I will have to simply hang up my hat. For I will not settle for a lessor love so that I may have forever, and I will not chase a great love to be so burned in the wake of its nova. So then, if this is the case I will choose no love.
I hope that this is not the case. That he will learn and grow and change and understand and comprehend the outlandishness of it all. That he will realize a new capacity for love. That he will find me to be the love of his life, his soul mate, the one that he loves above all past, present, and future. For if he does not... if he cannot... I'm not sure what I can do.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
my musings for the day
"...still can't find myself. I still stand alone in a world where those that are supposed to do the least are actually doing the most."
I hope that you can do all that you can to find yourself. You need not feel alone, for though I am assuming that I am the person you are referring to here - just accept that everything will work itself out. There are no tallies of what is owed, there is only love.
" I think that a sudden and severe impact that I have experienced more than once in my recent life may have actually caused damage. Either that or I need to stop thinking so much."
Yeah - you're crazy. It is all in your head I think. Either you're not liking what you're seeing/feeling or you're thinking too much about ... mother's with their head's blown off while holding young children. Or, you know you're broken in another way. Regardless the 'sudden and severe impact' didn't do it.
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I know that we weren't best friends or anything of the sort before this whole thing got started, but we were friends. At least in my mind. One of the apprehensions that I had with all this was that fact - but I guess the feeling was not reciprocated. Well, all I can say is I hope that we become friends so you don't feel the need to shut me out should the other aspects dissolve. You're amazing and I don't want to not have you. I'm sure things would change if it were to end...still.. I don't know - again, not thinking of such things.
I feel bad in feeling happy that a fight ensued between the two of you causing you to 'eliminate.' I also felt ridiculously sad or something and wanted to make you call and apologize. Yeah, because I'm logical and such. I've told you you'll never meet anyone as conflicted and running on dual channels as me, haven't I?
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The night that I had my... I don't know - I won't call it a breakdown because not a single tear fell. The memory that kept pounding its way through wasn't as traumatic as some of the other ones that could have pierced my shell, but it was very like vivid or something. So it's my dad and he's got like scruffies or maybe a mustache and he's making me kiss him, but I don't want to so I'm pulling away so he grabs my like cheeks and pushes them together so like my mouths slightly open and then when he kisses me I can feel the border of his facial hair and taste the tobacco he has in his mouth. Bits of this tobacco make their way into my mouth... and so, yes - please never chew tobacco - or have a mustache...
I could have had a million other ones which made their way to primary tab, but that's the one that made it. The others were there - being processed and recognized, but for some reason... yeah. Thanks for ... being asleep I guess. If you weren't then you might have tried to pry or something which if I had told you then it may have become a break down.
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Yeah, I got my haircut again. Even though you seemed to have a preference of me not - you didn't seem to notice. However, you did notice the flower - so perhaps you were merely going with the if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all deal. Who knows. I feel so much lighter! I love Diana and recommend her to any of you. She's at the Perfect Look in Tanasbourne. She's cute and has pretty tattoos.
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I feel sometimes like I am someone else. Or that I've changed and I don't know it. You know when you look in the mirror to make sure you look fabulous? I've been looking in the mirror to make sure that I'm still me. What do you do when you look in the mirror and someone else is looking back? You're not thinking that you look bad necessarily, just that it's not you. . . I don't know.
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The apartments I really want, shit it's too late to call them now! Anyway, so they say I make too much money, but they have me at like... 2,400 more than I could possibly make by their little program. I think I'm going to try and fight it. There is another apartment in Beaverton that's 900 ft. for 550/month but it's ... well, the buildings were built in 1969 so...yeah. Makes me said Village at Lovejoy Fountain is like ... *sigh* pretty. 2 blocks from Keller Auditorium, right around the corner from PSU campus, a jaunt to the waterfront. Yeah, fabulous much?
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As for my personal feelings right now, well... I feel off... like, something is imposing itself. What is this happening to me? Shocking things, tuning radio through speakers, having so many tabs open that I can't even see them all. How can I be contemplating dark matter and black holes, while flashing memories of my past, wondering what exactly the program you went through was about, and how cute kitty looks, and the weather patterns, and homelessness, and apartments, and money, and..yeah - all that at once. No wonder my brain feels like it's exploding.
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PS you still owe me a letter.
I hope that you can do all that you can to find yourself. You need not feel alone, for though I am assuming that I am the person you are referring to here - just accept that everything will work itself out. There are no tallies of what is owed, there is only love.
" I think that a sudden and severe impact that I have experienced more than once in my recent life may have actually caused damage. Either that or I need to stop thinking so much."
Yeah - you're crazy. It is all in your head I think. Either you're not liking what you're seeing/feeling or you're thinking too much about ... mother's with their head's blown off while holding young children. Or, you know you're broken in another way. Regardless the 'sudden and severe impact' didn't do it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know that we weren't best friends or anything of the sort before this whole thing got started, but we were friends. At least in my mind. One of the apprehensions that I had with all this was that fact - but I guess the feeling was not reciprocated. Well, all I can say is I hope that we become friends so you don't feel the need to shut me out should the other aspects dissolve. You're amazing and I don't want to not have you. I'm sure things would change if it were to end...still.. I don't know - again, not thinking of such things.
I feel bad in feeling happy that a fight ensued between the two of you causing you to 'eliminate.' I also felt ridiculously sad or something and wanted to make you call and apologize. Yeah, because I'm logical and such. I've told you you'll never meet anyone as conflicted and running on dual channels as me, haven't I?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The night that I had my... I don't know - I won't call it a breakdown because not a single tear fell. The memory that kept pounding its way through wasn't as traumatic as some of the other ones that could have pierced my shell, but it was very like vivid or something. So it's my dad and he's got like scruffies or maybe a mustache and he's making me kiss him, but I don't want to so I'm pulling away so he grabs my like cheeks and pushes them together so like my mouths slightly open and then when he kisses me I can feel the border of his facial hair and taste the tobacco he has in his mouth. Bits of this tobacco make their way into my mouth... and so, yes - please never chew tobacco - or have a mustache...
I could have had a million other ones which made their way to primary tab, but that's the one that made it. The others were there - being processed and recognized, but for some reason... yeah. Thanks for ... being asleep I guess. If you weren't then you might have tried to pry or something which if I had told you then it may have become a break down.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, I got my haircut again. Even though you seemed to have a preference of me not - you didn't seem to notice. However, you did notice the flower - so perhaps you were merely going with the if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all deal. Who knows. I feel so much lighter! I love Diana and recommend her to any of you. She's at the Perfect Look in Tanasbourne. She's cute and has pretty tattoos.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel sometimes like I am someone else. Or that I've changed and I don't know it. You know when you look in the mirror to make sure you look fabulous? I've been looking in the mirror to make sure that I'm still me. What do you do when you look in the mirror and someone else is looking back? You're not thinking that you look bad necessarily, just that it's not you. . . I don't know.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The apartments I really want, shit it's too late to call them now! Anyway, so they say I make too much money, but they have me at like... 2,400 more than I could possibly make by their little program. I think I'm going to try and fight it. There is another apartment in Beaverton that's 900 ft. for 550/month but it's ... well, the buildings were built in 1969 so...yeah. Makes me said Village at Lovejoy Fountain is like ... *sigh* pretty. 2 blocks from Keller Auditorium, right around the corner from PSU campus, a jaunt to the waterfront. Yeah, fabulous much?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As for my personal feelings right now, well... I feel off... like, something is imposing itself. What is this happening to me? Shocking things, tuning radio through speakers, having so many tabs open that I can't even see them all. How can I be contemplating dark matter and black holes, while flashing memories of my past, wondering what exactly the program you went through was about, and how cute kitty looks, and the weather patterns, and homelessness, and apartments, and money, and..yeah - all that at once. No wonder my brain feels like it's exploding.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PS you still owe me a letter.
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