ups and downs

After three... four days of agonizing debating, screaming, crying, and general not fun times I think that we have come to an okay point once again. Apparently we are doomed to have epic battles every so often to keep the peace the rest of the time.... or something. I'm not sure exactly why we fight the way that we do when our answers are always the same. Differing perception. Two views arguing toh-may-to toh-mah-to. It's all quite real and horrible and frustrating and confusing and painful... but it's also ridiculously benign and silly. Yes, we were on the verge of calling of everything. After further discussions today, however, I think we came to realize that John can be wrong. . . Wait that wasn't it? Well... close enough. Now on to happier things... wait, that's wedding related! Post over on the wedding blog see you there!

The bigger the star, the faster it dies.

It is indeed a stressful time here in Paradise. With a feeling of being alone even when he's with me, and the usual drama... it's was a long day yesterday indeed. Somehow we got into a fight over the past...again. I'm not entirely even sure how it escalated the way it did other than a complete clashing of moral code. So I got the story that he'd been so desperately trying to tell me. I can only agree with - or bend my code to accommodate for 2 of his prior 7, or 8, or 9... I'm not sure which. A Sara and a Sarah... a Rachel that was included but not. So who knows? And when you start climbing into numbers that high, what does it even matter. Except for those two, every other person was against what I hold to believe as right. I understand the why, I do... and cannot blame a person for it. I know that not all hold themselves to such standards as I do myself. I understand the physical need, the want to please a partner, the want to feel needed and loved, and like you have the capacity for such inside yourself. So I am given the choice to get over it or get over him. Well, I never was planning on holding on to such things. It's more the lying that I don't like. The excuses, the trying to param in just the right thing to make each lie work within a prior lie and all to serve his agenda - whatever it may be at the time. He calls it differing perspectives, changing daily as he changes. I call it a load of crap. He hopes that I can trust him... Honestly, all I can say is that trust has to be earned - and once lost is not easily regained.

He will admit that I am not the love of his life - but says he does not believe - or doesn't have the capacity to feel as such. That he has loved others as much as he does me now, and that each one of us he has given himself completely to. Perhaps he doesn't believe in soul mates - I don't think he does. He says if I were to die, even if we were married for over 20 years, that he would love someone again, as much as he does me now. With such a fleeting definition and constraint, how do I know he will not find this next great love while I am still in the picture? He says he fell in love with the girl he cheated on Emily with. That he would have gladly spent his life with her. For something so purely based on physical, and in such a transgressional way... what do I really matter to him? The only way he could ease my mind would be to travel back in time and reevaluate his situation I suppose. The only way for me to not be feeling as I am is if he had said what I feel as truth, that he was not in love with her. Just because you fuck someone doesn't mean you love them. Apparently I've found myself one of those guys, of which there are many, that believes it does. That believes that the emotional hangs on the physical - or perhaps not even believes this as such, but knows it. Or rather, it is linked in the subconscious of which they may be unawares. I will tell you this. You cannot be in love with someone after knowing them for two days. No matter how much those two days will mean to you, it is not something you can do. You may fall in love with the idea of the matter, of how they portray themselves, of what things may be. You simply cannot love them enough to say you would spend the rest of your life with them after two days. Why did you say so little of Rachel? I have a feeling it was because you realized that you are a physical being. That you do not have to be in love to be with someone sexually ... that your very structure and foundation upon which you build your tales is nothing more than a rotten and termite infested plank.

I'm done arguing the matter. I know the truth of what is at hand. Now I am faced with the choice of whether or to call him foolish and naive or call him a liar. He is most definitely and irrefutably one of the two. . . But, which one?

If I call him foolish and naive, then I can hope that he will mature and will realize the facts as I do. If I call him a liar, than this is one too many times and the entire basis of our relationship is flawed. If he is foolish and naive I can stay with him. If he is a liar I cannot.

Perhaps I'm blind. Perhaps it's another one of the effects of the Addison poison. Perhaps I just don't want to know. Whatever it is... for now, frustrated and amazed and dumbfounded as I am... I will call him foolish. I will call him naive. I hope that he will understand his... perspective as such, with time look back and apologize the hell he put me through. For the lies he wove, unbeknown to him. I know that in taking this stance I show foolishness and naivety myself... but what choice do I really have?

In astrology we learned, the bigger the star the faster it "dies." I hope that this is not the same of love. The greater the love, the greater the passion, the quicker the flame is blown out to reveal reality. If that is the case I will have to simply hang up my hat. For I will not settle for a lessor love so that I may have forever, and I will not chase a great love to be so burned in the wake of its nova. So then, if this is the case I will choose no love.

I hope that this is not the case. That he will learn and grow and change and understand and comprehend the outlandishness of it all. That he will realize a new capacity for love. That he will find me to be the love of his life, his soul mate, the one that he loves above all past, present, and future. For if he does not... if he cannot... I'm not sure what I can do.

it's all matters of perception

I think that John and I may be finally over this ever persistent issue. Yes, I do believe that he is wrong in his logic and reasoning in the matter. However, because in his mind he did not choose something over me, then he didn't. Which is what was really bothering me more than anything else anyway. Yes, I was right. Yes, Emily was and seeming is still in love with him. She's also across the country and doing her best to get on with her own affairs. I don't think that she knows how John and I actually came together, or that there was no infidelity. He didn't even kiss me until the day she was supposed to be going back to Virginia, and we had planned our first date for afterwards. However, she didn't end up leaving for Virginia until we were officially a couple...but that's not really the faults of either of us.

I don't know why it concerns me so much anyway, how she feels or what she perceives. I can only think that the Clint situation made it as such. In a way, although not as horribly, she is me and I am Jaime and John is Clint. Although, I promoted their relationship, and tried to keep John and Emily together. And, John and I didn't have sex until a couple weeks after we had returned from our trip to California...which began after Emily was already back in Virginia. Regardless, the emotional-ness was there, and that's what's most important anyway - especially for her I would imagine as she cheated on John with multiple people on numerous occasions. Anyway...

We came down to the conclusion that John does not perceive the world as the vast and wide majority of people do, and that if I am to be with him I will have to realize that. He also gave some insight to my prior explanation of him not being happy in the relationship and lacking in that once held spark. He stated it as "I'm not going to give you fireworks if you're just going to blow yourself up." He was worried about the continuing fighting as I was, but rather than put more into the relationship because of it he was becoming withdrawn and assuming that I wanted things to end.

There's a real communication issue between John and I, and it's not that we don't communicate. We actually both are fairly open with each other (in matters of the relationship we are in at least) and so by normalcy there shouldn't be any problems. However, we both seem to speak completely separate languages, or at least two opposing dialects. His perception of what truth, love, and humanity are are completely different from anything I've ever heard of. Which leads me to utter confusion. If the great thinkers of history (Plato, Aristotle, etc.) and modern thinkers, and anyone I've ever met or read or heard of all think one way, how am I supposed to come to terms with someone who thinks entirely different? I don't know exactly, but I am working on it. In most matters this difference is refreshing and thought provoking, however, in matters of what he perceives a lie to be - not telling someone you love them if you do, and what love is -- the act of not telling them would require a complete emotional shutdown... well, this leaves me perplexed. I understand it in the most simple terms. If someone says they love you, and you reply I don't you..that's a lie if you love them. However, if someone says they love you, and you reply with... nothing, or continue the conversation, or thank you, or aaww you're sweet or something I don't see that as a lie.

Regardless, I think we realized that we are each totally and one hundred percent right with the contexts we are able to understand and that we live our lives in. So, there isn't really an issue anymore. That being said, it would make my life much easier if he never told her he loved her again, or if he decided that she's not worth any trouble and just didn't contact her at all. I think that if I were to ever hear him say he loved her, or see it in writing to her... I would have a major internalized struggle. For, I do realize his perception and how he understands the situation, but that does not mean that I at all agree. In contexts I can understand, he is completely mistaken on the matter and it should never have been an issue. Oh well. We will either realize the differing perspectives and be okay with that as we are now, or (the better of the two) come to a compromise of perspectives naturally as we grow together.

In other news... OnPoint put an insurance policy on the Mazda themselves, so if they can take a look at the car then they'll possibly cover all of the loan minus 500 deductible. Also, if Clint and a notary sign something saying he was responsible for insurance and operating costs of the vehicle then my license won't be suspended. Hurray, right? Well, generally you would think so. However, Clint is being less than helpful so... I don't know. My next step is to contact an authoritative figure in his life and see what happens I suppose...

Things unsayable

How do you explain depression to someone? It's kind of like trying to explain the color blue to someone...so I pretty much don't try. It's hard though, at times. When someone asks you what you're thinking and the answer is nothing because your insides are dead. You get asked what's wrong, and the answer is -- in the way they meant the question, nothing. A chemical imbalance within the neurons of your brain. A misfiring missile. True, there are times when I feel it less than others, but it will always be there. Sure, I could go back on Prozac or some other drug system ... but to me, the benefit is not worth the risk. I'd rather be in touch with every fiber of my emotional frame. Besides, it is often depression which fuels great works for me. I am able to tap into the core essence of creative functionality. I had a problem while on antidepressants that I wasn't able to write. I was on like the lowest dose possible b/c the main purpose wasn't depression, and still it zapped me. Not worth it. In this world there are seldom things I truly can enjoy, or be proud of. My ramblings just so happen to one of those things, whatever they may appear to be to you. So I am restless, so I can't sleep except when exhausted. So I'm apathetic to life, and stare into the distance with a blank or somber look on my face. So I'm on a downward spiral emotionally, and probably will break soon. So what?

I need to write

I cannot sleep and therefore I must write, I suppose. It happens, on occasion, where all I can do is write. I know not why, or how or when it will happen. Just that, inevitably, I will have a need and who ever is in my wake will be bid to read what wondrous or mundane work I have created. Is it out of boredom alone? I don't think so, I think it is... out of necessity. I am what I am and all that I am is me. Perplex simplicities wrapped in what warmth and shelter I can take from this world. Sometimes it is much, and I am grateful. Other times, it is less than would be desired and I feel abandoned and alone. There is no switch of emotion. There is no only on or off. There are varying degrees of everything from anger to love. I love nearly everyone alive, I suppose. However, there are some I love only because they are alive and there is a soul and meaning behind their eyes; others I love because they have qualities and traits which I admire. There are those who have admirable qualities and a common ground with myself, and I love those as acquaintances and perhaps friends if enough of the right mixture is there. There are those which are simply a part of me, have been and will be and they are family, although no blood relation is necessary at all. There is love which is deep and coursing just like blood in my veins, and consuming and undeniable – like the love of family, but with a necessity and craving aspect. Within each of these categories there are varying levels. There is no on or off. You may never hear me tell you that I love you, but I do. You may beg with me and plead with me that you love me, and though I feel the same way you'll never hear me utter the words. I believe with all that I am, that you shouldn't tell someone you love them to hear a response. If you love someone and wish to let it be known, you shouldn't feel downhearted if they do not repeat the words to you. If you would feel this way – then let you never utter those words of feeling aloud. I also believe that “I love you” is said far too much. We've raped the meaning from it. It means the same as 'I like you' or, 'I think you're an awesome person.' I am just as guilty of this as the next. With all of this knowledge I hold to be nothing but the truth, it will continually befuddle and confuse me as why telling someone you love them is such an enormous deal. Why you would be willing to rid yourself of someone you love in what you claim is the deepest sense to tell someone you love as a friend – acquaintance these days – that you love them. To me, it means much more to simply be alive, to care as you will. I would not need you to tell me you love me to know that you do. Actions will always, always speak louder than words could ever hope to. It is what you do, how you treat someone that let's them know how you feel about them, not the words you speak – type – send. It is sad to me that we have come to rely on words when so very much of what we experience can not be understood with any language that I have ever encountered. I say this as someone who is more tied to words than most. I will always be a writer. Even when what I wrote was fairly pointless, silly, and without talent I considered myself as such. I feel that without writing I would surely go insane. Yet even I can admit that we place too much merit on what is said with letters smashed together in semblance of intelligent thought. As I sit here, in darkness of night and somber thoughts I wish that there was a way to download how I feel into a disk uploadable to your mind. Maybe then you would realize that by not responding you are not lying. You are choosing to love me like you say you do. I didn't start writing this to go there. I didn't even mean to, it just kind of happened as my consciousness spilled forth from my fingertips. I still feel like I am right, he is wrong, and there is nothing I can do. My dreams are consumed of him choosing her over and again. On our wedding day, random events, it doesn't matter. He always goes to her, even if he tries to come back to me later on, it doesn't do any good. He's made his choice. I guess that's it, isn't it? He did, and my subconscious doesn't want to let me forget it....

Icanhazhappynow?

I think that due to the fact that we each have our own perceptions we project onto other people's writing that online discussions should not take place. Because, honestly, I didn't say that the items or your past is bullshit, I merely hinted that you might be deceiving yourself and your motives. Fuck it. Not important.

I just want everything to be happy! Why are things not happy? I do not understand. I try, why does it not work? Stressors are driving me out of my mind. I want a super clean and organized house inhabited by two gainfully employed, educated adults who have only love for each other in their hearts. Perhaps some day that will be obtained. I apologize to all who have been pulled into the never ending debate over ex-girlfriend baggage, it is now over. I submit my white towel to the judges.

In other news I found the name of the poems I like Villanelles. They're pretty cool, and I wrote one to be found on my poetry blog, I'll be writing more because I really like their structure.

I am in love.

I am glad the emo is done with. That whole day of crying at work and being over dramatic was all for nothing as I figured it would be. Clint is trying to get back into my life. Well, I'm not against it. He was my best friend and at times only friend for the past four years and it would nice to have him back in that regard. And, to be honest with the lack of sex and real physical contact that existed between us there for quite a while - I don't think it'll be too hard to have it happen.

You can still tell me no - but for fuck's sake you have to do it outright. I should, as a good girlfriend and person, realize your wants and comply. However, I am stubborn - always have been and will continue to be until I die (and probably afterwards).

I've known that I've that I loved you longer than I would let myself say it. Still, at times it seems strange. When the time-space continuum shifts and I can see the real world's speed. . . However, I didn't know how much, and how real until the other night. First - I had an overwhelming need to --- consume? I've never felt that way before, and while it was almost unnerving, it was great as well. I don't know if I've needed anything as much as I needed the taste of your flesh and to feel you as I did then. As you said, "that's not you, it's me." Well, that quote doesn't make sense in the blog based off of the fact that it was you saying it and me only agreeing not me saying it on a different matter, but what the hey.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was this - In Montage as you describe how that restaurant breaks down your abilities, the light from outside and the candle mingled in perfect harmony on your face and danced in your irises with glee. You seemed to nearly glow. As I stared into your eyes a feeling of pure peace washed over me and my heart felt warm and full to the point of bursting. In fact, so much emotion was welling forth I thought my face would break from a smile or that tears would well in my eyes. I'm not sure if any extra moisture made it to my optical orbs, however I do know that a smile most surely passed across my face. Not only that but.. God I don't know how to describe how it feels to look at someone you love.... like warm, directed... love beams shooting from your eyes. The feeling is so intense at times and it is usually at these times that you ask me what I am feeling - because it is intense and felt in every portion of my face it amazes me that you cannot tell - whether you can read me or not ... I don't know, you should be able to read that.

In short... I love you. Completely, outrageously, ridiculously, absolutely and... terrifyingly. I don't know how it happened, I don't know why in the grand scheme it happened, and I don't know exactly when it happened... but it did.

I know that we have our insecurities, but know this. Mine will fade with time. I know this from my own past experiences. I may, for a while, think that Emily still holds your heart - regardless of how many times you tell me otherwise. I may, for this same time be afraid that if ever she called you would run to her. However, as our relationship and love become stronger I will think/feel this less and less. It will NOT be something which crumbles our relationship.

I don't know from where your insecurities within Clint lie... He is no threat to you. Comparisions aside - of which I could make numerous... I love you and am with you and will be with you as long as you want me. I will be with no other in any respect. If .. for some unforseen and dreadful reason I have feelings or want someone else, I will definitely bring it to your attention before the temptress or temptor even has a lingering thought on the matter. I hope that your insecurities do not crumble us as you say they will.

Age with me, keep me with you. Be my radioactive, alien, vampyre, werewolf, robot, panda bear Asian forever if you choose. Be mine as long as you will have me, I will be yours. When you no longer want me, please be gentle in the way you sever me from your world. I am afraid when I hit reality's time I may shatter - flesh ripped from bone. Yeah... let's not think about that, shall we?

Anything else in Stephanie world worth mentioning? I got a 91 on a fucked up Astro test. I think Mouse's kittens are fantasticly adorable. I am so happy Merrick is a cat. I am terrified of being in the apartment now because I want to avoid confrontation. The apartment manager and I will eventually have to speak to one another and in doing so I will probably no longer have a place to live. FML right now. I don't have any money to give, but because I feel the need to I'm giving Az money. I'll make it work somehow. As soon as you exist I think things will work better. Please exist soon. I want to have a place to live with the loves. My boy and my kitties.

TTFN whoever reads this nonsense.

I will NOT cry at work

I can understand this. It truly is a sentiment and a vision that we may have held for so long within ourselves. Once that isn't the case anymore, no matter what reality is, we can't see ourselves in something else for a while.

That's good, because it is truly only on rare occasions. The number of times I see your face in my mind, in my dreams (metaphoric and actual) far outweighs anything else. I feel like a little girl again when I am with you in this world where everything can be okay.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your insecurities in yourself control...I appreciate that you didn't go knowing this. As for not knowing how you feel...I think that's the bigger issue.

I don't have insecurities about my self control. More so my ability to control him that I would have concern for. I got to a point where I knew what he was going to do/say and what he was thinking at any given time. I don't think I have that anymore. I believe that I can derive enough of how I feel from what I want - can you?

I would be telling a lie if I said that I wouldn't be worrying...I just can't show it...I have to be secure in myself and tell myself that everything will be okay. I have faith in you.

I understand. You don't have to hide it, unless you feel you need to. You should definitely be secure in yourself. You are everything I've dreamed for thus far. Well... you're not 6'1" and you're not built like a bronzed god, and you don't have a mansion on the hill. Otherwise, perfect. (That was so meant with sarcasm and love by the way as I couldn't care less about all that as long as I have you.) Faith in me is good. I'd like a friendship with him if at all possible - and I realize that this may be exacting double standards to the place my mind went when reading the comment left by her...

I give myself over completely so that in seeing who we are as people, we can decide what's worth holding on to and what's not. It is a nomadic lifestyle I think...I don't think I've ever explained to you that I need an anchor to keep me somewhere. I've not truly experienced "home" in a while. There's the saying "Home is where your heart is." That's true for me in this case. When my heart isn't there anymore, it's time for a new home. I don't choose though...

As corny as it is, I feel the same way. While Oregon is and always will be my home, and while I love Portland with all the snuggles you can a city - I'd move anywhere you wanted to if you need to move to fulfill your dreams/destiny/desire. I hope that I can be your anchor. As for the fact you don't choose, I don't buy it.

As for me being okay with it, I sometimes question my ability to feel anything other than love..... Everything else...falls short.

Hm. I hope that you can feel other than love, and I'm sure that you do. Love and pain are not enough to sustain you as a normal, functioning individual. You'd be... well, a zombie of sorts. Perhaps you are, but I won't buy that either.

You're everything I need. In your thought of falling short here, also consider what you are doing elsewhere that is above and beyond. If you're uncomfortable with the idea here as you may be...Eliminate it.

Not sure how to interpret this... "what you are doing elsewhere that is above and beyond." "with the idea here" What exactly is that. However, you saying that I'm everything you need. I can only hope that this is the case. That's all I need to know.

We know that it can. Example: Now.

Not sure if I do have dual desires. I wish that I could incorporate him as Jack and Gabe and my other boys are in my life, but I doubt that will be possible. So, I'll see what happens. Again, I feel that there's a double standard here. Please let me know if you agree. I will do nothing if it puts unnecessary strain on you or our relationship. That is my number one and nothing will interfere. You need to be direct with me.

It saddens me to say this but no...Time doesn't really fix it. You need to face it. It might turn out where you want to be. It might turn out to be something you really don't want. In either case, you need to make up your mind right then. Walk away forever or run back with open arms.

What about your feeling of 'shadow'? I chalked it up to the fact that - it's only been a month and four days... so I mean we shouldn't really be at this point society-wise. We are however. If you believe it's something else, I'd love to hear it. In that same token, what is your feeling stemming from, then?

As for my own insecurities, I don't think I have any physical ones...Generally I think this is due to the fact that the human body means very little to me.

Well, I wasn't really talking about physical ones only in this sense. I doubt you have any in any regard. Again - you don't have a reason to. (btw 'the human body' makes you sound like you're an alien...)

You don't need to want something else more. All you need to want is something else. Period...

I want to be a teacher, I want to be a mom, I want to have a home and be able to provide my children with the world. I want to travel and explore other peoples. I want to be able to eat and continue my education. I want to have friends, and socialize. I want fresh flowers surrounding me at all times. I want pearls around my neck and diamonds on my fingers. I want to never have another period in my whole life, I want to be 21 right now, I want to be able to manipulate my own brain waves and those of other people's. Teleportation and invisibility would be awesome too. More than that, I want for you to be with me as you are now. Wow did I just melodramatic that out...but you get the idea.

I will agree that our whole situation was fucked up, so kudos to the person who pointed it out. However, it was ours and yet another journey the two of sat down and decided to embark on together. I love you for sticking by me as much as you did. You're hands down the best thing ever. I cannot comment on the rest of the statement that has me in it because you know how i feel on all of it...

only on tuesdays...<3

I don't know if it was certain pieces of this or the whole thing overall - but this struck a chord for sure. It brings in perspective how we started this whole everything... and that there are still feelings and "sentiment" between the two of you in a high amount. It is nowhere near my place to say that this isn't 'kosher' for I suppose that would make me a hypocrite. Although you've promised that you would 'eliminate' this issue/insecurity - you haven't. It doesn't bother me in so much as a friendship exists, and again, so not even my place as I told you when you said you would. I just... I don't know. Not a big deal for the long run I hope.

After reading your ness, especially with the commentary I had to fight tears and my emotions coursing through me. If you say "Hey, I'd rather you didn't" I won't. Regardless of my overall philosophy on the matter - you have every reason to make that request. If it were in a more subtle manner that this came about I doubt that you would care - as you seem secure and should be. I know that the behavior he exhibited last night was off character and more than likely indicative of less than pure intentions - conscious or otherwise. I hoping that it is otherwise, and that we can do ... what ever we do and begin to form a friendship from ground zero. I want my life to be normal, I want to make the world and all its inhabitants happy. I like to please people, to give them what they want. I often put myself at the bottom of the totem pole. I will give you what you want, within reason of course. I will not give anyone anything which would keep you from having what you want. I will not give anyone anything which would keep me from having you. So, do I want something else - yeah, I guess you could say that in that I have my own hopes, desires, and world. I hope that doesn't mean you'll cling to someone else and leave me behind.

As early and new as this relationship is...it's not in my emotional involvement. So if at any time I seem...like that girl at the party you make out with and then... well, my bad. I love you. Three words said far, far too much. Yet, the truth remains.