I was trying to decide...

between reading my book or sleeping, and decided instead to blog about the amazing amazingness of last evening.

Not that I would do any of the three @ work of course!

Bowling was fun? I think. Yes, it was. I didn't use bumpers and I think I got close to a 100 each game. Which, for me, is quite well. There were black lights and lazers and dancing. The ocassional sly arm brush or pet as well. Win. Not to mention the stealing sips from other people's drinks and getting mildly "sauced."

Since my grandmother apparently is racist, or sexist, or something we ended up at Az's (John, Myself, and Jeff (with a J of course!)) oh, and Az, but that should be a given. We finished - oh, I don't know - half bottle of this, half bottle of that. Pye danced on Jeff's head for a while, and also nibbled my behind. The overall night consisted of boob play, petting (of the cranial kind) and much fun. A kiss - even though it was totally just a peck - was definitely the highlight times a lot, even though my heart beat so fast as to give away my..something. Perhaps the highlight could also be the cuddling all night long. I did my best to not feel like a whore.... I succeeded for the most part. I'm not sure how I can feel like a whore since she's moving back home - what today? - and there's been no sex and won't be - but still... I dunno.

Should I care? I'm not sure. It was so nice, and - for only 3 times, what? I know I'm crazy and all on your average every day scale - but, really? Oh well, I've decide to not care. Today, or rather, this moment at least. It was awesome sauce and I haven't been this happy in... oh goodness, years.

I believe I am a 13 year old girl

With the giddiness and the butterflies, I feel so incredibly ridiculous. There have been times in my life when what you just said would have made me uncomfortable. And, to be honest, it did a little. Only because I can't control how you feel, and I have this extreme desire to be in control. I, myself am spinning out of it.

I am glad to hear that I am not your social experiment. I could see you doing that to someone, perhaps, and it does make me happy that it is not me. You don't need to know my inner workings, I believe that is why they are 'inner' and not outer. That I can even matter at all, makes me feel giddy.

Frightened. Yes, you could use that word. I am terrified, scared, reluctant, apprehensive. Yes, excited too. Excited for... I'm not sure exactly, but I have a new found energy and desire to take on the world.

Who does this? Us apparently. I think it was in that moment actually that I realized how my 'inner workings' were indeed working. Which makes it almost easy to rationalize as an association. It's becoming increasingly hard to do so.

You couldn't make a fool out of yourself by being honest, and, for the moment at least I'm accepting it as honesty. I am one for honesty, even if it is spoken in metaphors and everywhere but in the bush. Yes, I think you decoded yourself very well, indeed. For now I cannot even focus on this so important 'work' which I'm supposed to be doing.

Ah yes, I had completely forgotten that I'm being a dirty whore by entertaining these notions in my mind. I shouldn't do that, forget. For in forgetting I become the thing in this world which I despise the most - and fear that hating myself is immanent if we continue on as we seem to be.

It is nice to hear your voice, to see your smile. To feel those butterflies and pitter-patter. However, I am all for nothing.

I know that I need to pause. I'm tumbling so fast, I need to catch my breath. To realize, to analyze, to compromise - perhaps. I need for you to be happy, to make sense of the world in which you are roaming - even if the sense you make is nonsense. I need to come to a place where I can stop. Stop analyzing, stop rejecting, stop reading so much in to every thing. Stop fidgeting, stop wondering.

Even now I turned my "squee! teehee" into something darker, for in my happiness at decodation, I had forgotten.

P.S. I would rather be looking for literature and eating pizza, though. What does that mean?

Rawr!

I decide, fuck it, I'm not going to bury anything at all. Just free fall into a crisp pool of openness. Yeah, that didn't work. 

I have this very strong feeling she isn't going anywhere, and you're just pulling me into some sort of social experiment because you want to see how I'll react. I'm not sure if  this is my brokeness (as Az claims it to be) or reality. I wish I had the balls to ask you, but unfortunately I was born without that certain anatomical set.

Driving home I realized that I have a lot of stigmas regarding intimate physical relationships, and that one will probably be hard for me to accomplish. On the same note, I realize my extreme need for a close emotional relationship with someone.

Is it possible to have someone you bond with emotionally on an intense and nearly spiritual level, who also understands your physical hangups? I really would like there to be. Eh - probably not. Perhaps I am more broken than I thought.

It's just this concept of sex I don't understand. To me, it is the bonding of two souls, the ultimate expression of love. To guys, and just about every body else these days- it's merely this physical thing of "blowing a load" or whatever the case may be. I guess that religion thing seeped deep down into something somewhere. Or, again, more broken than I thought.

You say you can't tell who these are about? Really? Am I honestly that good at masking myself in layers of sweet enigma-ey goo? Covering myself in a flaky crust of vagueness? I didn't think so, but apparently I am. Or your extreme desire of them not to be about you masks the fact they are.

Wait, did I just say that?

I am sorry if you waste your time with my like billion posts a day

I really am. I'm trying to go to bed, and I keep thinking over and over... 

What did this mean? What does that mean? That couldn't have been for me, could it have? Why am I full to the brim with buzzing butterflies one moment, and hollow the next? Am I vain?

Was it like this before and my eyes just became opened? Did everyone really change that much towards me? 

If I don't like him, why won't he get out of my head? Is it all just a game? Is he nothing more than a puzzle I have to solve? A riddle?

What about the other him, why do I feel such an incessant desire to open his brain and delve inside? Will it be comforting? Terrifying? We've only spoken a dozen words to each other, does reading someone's thoughts count? What was the comment, the post about? Did my own vagueness inspire something so vague no one will ever know? Deleted, why? Will I ever actually be able to pry? Will I have the balls? Am I wallowing in self pity? Am I so broken I can't even see it? 

Will we stay together? Will we fall away? The internet, is is strong enough? Without common ground can we still be friends? Will we even lose that common ground? Will our employer make the right decision?

Where am I going to go to school? What am I majoring in? Do I double major? How am I to do it? Where do I live? Work? Is the potential gain worth the guaranteed loss? Is there anything left to lose? Is there even anything to gain?

How was I able to be so honest and open? Have I changed, or is it just my perception? Is perception reality? Am I reality? Who decides what is fact and what is illusion? Why?

Is there a God? Does he love me? Do I anger him by my collage of beliefs? Delight him? Will he touch me as he did in the past again? Do I have to hold on to that one feeling to last forever? Was it all in my mind?

Does he really think I'd let him go? Is it really so trivial? Isn't it? Could I walk away the day our client does? Never look back? Would it all fade? Will I ever find what I'm looking for?

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?

Because it's that time of night...

You get a new blog! Not much to report on today, actually. After the reading I took a nap and tried to work on my speech ALL DAY LONG! I finally finished (mostly). I still need to write my 'speaking outline' and create a visual aidness.

I am moderately worried about Biology, I sort of pulled a giant slacker move. I've been to class 3 times. The first day, and two test days. I haven't opened the book. Somehow I got an A on the first test, don't know what I did on the second. We did make a study group, so that should motivate me I hope. Motivation would be nice.

I need to read a book for my Woman writers class, it's pretty short so I should be able to accomplish that and the five page essay along with it.

Speech Final - 3/11, 5:30pm

English Final - 3/15, 11:50pm

Biology Final - 3/16, 1:00pm

Wish me luck! I'll be a lot less stressed out and able to relax on 3/17 

So, just to make sure I know what we are doing this week....

Thurs: Dinner with Sarah/Michael/Galen

Fri: Cosmic bowling? Valley lanes? This needs confirmation.

Sat: 

Sun: I think I'm hanging with Dex. I could be a week early, though.

So I'm available Sat! Sweet. Anyway, that was more for my benefit than yours. 

Good night my loves! Don't be scared to be vulnerable. You might find those around you more supportive than you think.

Here's a link to a song I remembered today. I love it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-fJ9ROrW08

Can't we read...just one more?

Katie is wearing me thin. It's not her fault, and I know this. She is very much so ADHD and jumbles all her letters around. She doesn't want to take the time to sound out words or bother asking me what they are. So her reading consists a lot of mumbles and dropped letters which I then have to make the decision to ignore or go over. If we were in a room, locked for an allotted time, with no interference - She would do well, I think.

Today my darling Viviana's teacher put a note in her folder saying that she hasn't improved, and is two grade levels low. I honestly don't know what drugs she's on... Viviana can read every book we have. If she doesn't know a word, she sounds it out. If she doesn't know the meaning of a word she asks, and is able to retain that information. So... not sure what else I can do except buy her higher level books... Today she was doing state testing so Lyle pulled students from another class.

This is where I met Gage. I saddened little boy that looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I immediately wanted to hug him and shower him with happiness. He picked out a Clifford book, and I began to read to him. (He's only in kindergarten so, yes.) After the first book he grabbed another, and looked slightly less sad. After Are You My Mother, he grabbed Oh the Places You'll Go! or see... or something. Honestly, one of the best kid books ever and totally relateable to my life. Like, a lot. I was like -- wow, awesome. And then he picked up the Giving Tree. I almost started crying, it's so sad the boys just an asshat and the tree gives so much. That's how life is, you give and give until all you are is a stump. When that was over we were 5 min. past time, and he had grabbed another book. I tried to lure him away, but he just got really sad. He was actually smiling and happy and such by the end of the Giving Tree. Lyle had to trick him saying he could read more if he asked his teacher to get him to leave. Even then Gage was very hesitant. I fell in love with that little boys sad face and his quiet demeanor. 

I've been trying to decide what grade I want to teach and get my cert's in. After the pee boy of last week I didn't think that I could handle elementary school kids. Now, I'm not so sure. If I could get the same measure of reward I got by seeing Gage's eyes start to brighten and make him go from emo-ness to smiling -- I may very well have to choose elementary school as my interest area. This is hard!

Oops. I'm sorry.

I feel so off. That's kind of the only way to describe it.

Emo, depressed, conflicted, confused, dejected, and terrible are a few adjectives you could use. None of them quite fit, and there isn't a word in any language I know that does.

I wish that I had gotten to know her better so I can hug her like I know she needs. I feel so utterly responsible for the situation that she's in. I know that for the most part I'm not, but God it sure feels like I am.

The absence of her makes everything so much more -- open. I almost feel obligated now, to keep feeling the things that I felt. I honestly don't know if I am a she devil or not. Can I have feelings for someone one day, and none the next? It would appear that way. Did saying them out loud make them disappear? Was it realizing that I am one shallow mother fucker? I mean, I'm not so great myself - what right do I have to judge others? Fuck, I am messed up.

Really, really messed up. How am I just realizing the extent of my fuck upperies now? I don't know, I did pitter patter when speaking of things to my fucking awesome friends. I'm confused.

I am mildly crushing on two boys actually, one more recently and not as strongly as the other. Both have girlfriends. Well, one doesn't so much anymore. The same one seems more able to retaliate my emotional craziness, but I cannot be too sure of anything. Only one thing is certain.

If they knew who I really was, they'd run. Not just the two aforementioned boys, everyone.

Like my dear friend Gabe... there's such a long story there, I don't feel like novel writing. In summation we've liked ea. other (Or I have him, is all I can vouch for, really) for like 4 years. I began liking him about 3 months into my relationship with Clint. When school ended and such I would think of him in waves, then when we started hanging out again - it was strong. We talked, smoked a ridiculous amount of cigarettes and left with another time another place. I am now without Clint and Gabe's dark and grouchy towards me. I went to playfully pull his tie to pull him towards me for a hug and he just got super angry about me touching his tie or something. I could have cheated on Clint to have him, but I wouldn't cheat for anything. Guess I missed my fucking opportunity - wow, literally.

I really want someone to cuddle with and to hold me. To make me feel normal and sane. I just don't think I'm ready. I jumped into the pool and found it exhilarating frigid, I set myself free. Let's keep it that way - for a good long while. Until... I stop comparing people to Clint, yes he was a jerk at times, and not too terribly bright, but he made up for it in other ways.. God I am a shallow bitch. I can't even believe my own shallowness. I honestly thought I wasn't shallow, I did. Apparently I am ridiculously so. Awesome. FAIL! No one can meet these twisted standards I have set myself. Why can't Brittany be a smoking hot male? I am so completely disgusted with myself, it's almost sickening.

So, in summation - everything is fun and games in idle talk and feelings. When the opportunity presents itself with the loss of a significant other things crumble apart because reality sets in. At least, that's kind what I'm thinking.

We'll give it time to mull around before making any decisions, plans, commitments, or otherwise. I wish I could combine aspects of all of my guy friends together to make the perfect boy friend. All my guy friends are amazing in their own ways... goodness that would be fun.

Sorry to disappoint anyone who thought I was different than who I am. Who thought that my intellectual merit and desires actually were valid. To anyone who saw me through the smoke and mirrors. I wish I was that person.

I wish I was, oh so many things.