a Scottish prayer

I realized that I didn't write my anniversary post. Seeing as how I've said everything I need to say as how much I love Johnathan... I'm not really sure what do write about.

I think that it's a good place to start to say that I went back and read an e-mail John sent me May of last year - when we had been together only two months. He spoke of his endless love for me, and his desire that I realize that love.

It's kind of silly to me now, how I could have been so head over heels for someone in such a short time. How we've moving throughout our lives in relative peace for nine months since he wrote that. How we still feel as we did for one another in that time, stronger perhaps.

There were many who thought that we weren't going to make it. That we were in it for a rebound, for fun, and that it would dissipate just as surely and as quickly as it started. I remember an event very clearly... Sitting at work with Nate and talking about money troubles - making some comment about how if we can just hold on for six years it'll all be okay. "Yeah," says Nate "but you won't still be together then." I was shocked at this statement of, in his mind, fact. It was one thing to have my dearest Azurell remind me that the heart is a faulty thing, and to avoid basketball. To have someone completely ignore the fact that real love can exist so shortly... it stung.

I think we've shown people we are not just rebounding from prior hurts. In less than five months we will be saying our vows and acknowledging our love and commitment in a more solidified state than before.

With that, I'll end this blog with a Scottish prayer that I rather like...

Lord help us to remember when
We first met and the strong
love that grew between us.
To work that love into
practical things so that nothing
can divide us.
We ask for words both kind
and loving and hearts always
ready to ask forgiveness
as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, we put our
marriage into your hands

a manic Monday

Head - sleepy, buzzy, no pain yet.
Neck - Pain
Back - Pain
Stomach - Dying times a million
Girl parts - Also dying
Butt - muscles cramping
Legs - following butts example
Arms - Sore
Feet - Dead, arches falling.

No wonder I spent ALL weekend asleep or in semi-sleep. I missed a punch-n-pi meeting, because I slept right through it. Although I usually keep my phone under my pillow - so obviously I wasn't needed because no one sent a text or called. Oh well, my determination in that is kind of fading anyway.

More posting later on love and such... but not for now.

Valentine's Day is for suckers

I am confused by half hour lunches and hour vto's... in which no one thinks of dear ol' me sitting at home waiting.

No one thinks of their special entry into the home where they will be greeted by chocolate covered strawberries and a glass of champagne with raspberry coulis. After kicking of shoes and relaxing for a bit they will then take part in marinated steak on home made crackers topped with caramelized onion. After a back rub they will then be feasting upon a spinach, asiago, sun dried tomato souffle with another glass of champagne/raspberry coulis. For dessert we then have a baked pear with it's self made caramel sauce and a few wonton churros. Then to walk into the room and see their valentine's present in proper presentation, and another present that they forgot about there as well snuggled on the bed all pretty like. After much hugs and thank you's we now proceed to headywhop and etc. followed by what better be some good good lovin'.

Instead of that day... We will turn to reality, where Stephanie's plans are not important. Instead of that we turn to boredom for me. We turn to leftovers for dinner and me wanting to cancel Valentine's day altogether - it'd be more efficient that way anyway. I've never tried so hard to make one person happy, nor failed so continuously.

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New reality: One in which the boy decides to think of me and bring me the car home. Hurray! So I go and spend ridiculous amounts of money to make everything perfect... and then said boy reads above post after I asked him not to and planned on deleting it. Then said boy is a big enough idiot to let me know that he read it by posting a comment. Now I kind of want to kill him, myself, and cancel Valentine's day. Why the fuck did they invent such a stupid fucking holiday anyway? Why must you be SO ignorant?

guns are fun and family's the future

I've kind of failed on the entering new, well old journal entries, haven't I? I've been failing to do much of anything these days. Waking up way too early and not having a lot of money will do that to a person I suppose. I have found a rather expensive hobby I do enjoy, shooting. It's something I didn't think I would like too terribly much, but it really is quite enjoyable and entertaining. Although for Johnathan and I both it's about $80 per trip - and that's only because we purchased a membership at the range, but it does include 200 rounds of ammo. Other than that I really want to get into scrapbooking. I've somewhat enough space to do so, and it's something which is fun and you get to look back at the times in your life that meant something to you. I recently went through my box of stuff I thought I'd be adding to a scrapbook at some time or another. I noticed that I didn't remember what the significance of a lot of the things were - and who really needs that many MAX tickets! I did get to reflect on some pretty good times, and show Johnathan old pictures of my family. I didn't think I'd have any proof of my youth, but it turns out there are a few photos I can pass down.

Johnathan was discussing the new cars he would like if he were to be able to get one. The BMW Z series, MINI Cooper, Mazda Miata... and then he commented that by the time we'll be able to buy a new car, we'll probably have kids and will need something practical. Seeing as how, technically speaking, we'd be able to buy a new car in six months or so... perhaps it was an exaggeration, I don't feel morning sickness or bigger boobs or anything. I am excited to realize that he does want a family with me. I mean, he's told me that and all, but to hear him voice it to someone else is pretty spectacular. While I am slightly apprehensive, I look forward to that portion of our lives with much hope and excitement. While I know I definitely want a family, it seems strange to think of myself and Johnathan as a mother and father. Although it seems weird to think of Johnathan as a husband too. Not in the whole I'm married to him, but the label itself. Having a fiancee is wonderful, and I am soo looking forward to being married and all, I'm just not sure how I feel about introducing Johnathan as my husband. Strange.

I'm sitting at work, going through a list of keywords, bored beyond belief. The only highlights of my day are breaks, lunch, and home. I am so fortunate to be in the same building with my sweet, and be able to see him from time to time throughout the day. Life seems a little duller on days we don't work together, and work goes by a lot slower.

Speaking of work, this new assignment I'm on is pretty difficult, it involves lots of numbers and processes which I tend to forget..or were never told in the first place. People don't really care if you were told or not when you're dealing with tens of thousands of dollars though. The job isn't very rewarding, but it is a lot better than the standard base of work over here which involves searching through keywords and looking for relevancy issues and disallowed products/content. I could be getting paid to do a lot worse things for a lot less money though, so I am okay. I'm pretty sure that's how Stream keeps all of it's employees... easy job, decent money..

Besides guns and early hours, there is nothing much of note. Spending too much money on unimportant trivialities, and too little money where it counts. That's about it.

-Til next time.

a bit of the past

I'm thinking that I should go back through my old journals that I have and write them out. Store them for safe keeping in the electronic world. It would also give people...person, I don't know... the chance to see who I was before I got this whole thing up and running. Before I was compelled by a Mr. Johnathan Lee to start my own blog or else explode. Bet you didn't know you were the reason? Actually you probably did.

I'll begin this process once I am moved into my new apartment 100%, or at least when my journally things make their way over.

Speaking of moving, we've got so much moving left to do! John keeps saying it'll get done, but I'm starting to have doubts. Not like we have much choice in the matter though. Right now we've got the living room and kitchen half moved. Everything else hasn't been touched other than grabbing essentials. However, the place is wrecked! There are papers thrown everywhere, and so much stuff! I think that we'll end up having quite a bit to give to Goodwill, and another lot to throw away. We need to get some sort of filing system in place because there are lots of important documents that need to be kept that are currently strewn about.

February 1st. That's the day we're looking forward to. Two full time checks with prorated rent. Yes! Enough to catch up on bills, pay all the ones due, and give my lawyer his retention fee thing. Tax returns to cover the rest of the bankruptcy and then huzzah! The past can actually be the past. Thank goodness. Last year I spent my tax return paying down my debt so that I only had 2k. Now, just one year later, I'm looking at 28k. Joy. It would have been a lot more fun of a year had I been responsible for that massive increase. Oh well.

On to bigger, brighter, and better things. Right kids?

it's been 10 months

It's that time again. The time when I get to look back and reflect over where I've been and how I've grown myself, and in my relationship over the past month.

The past couple days have been really good for John and I. He told me his going to open up his past - that I'll finally be able to know everything he's never wanted to share before. I really want to jump right into the parts I've been questioning ever since we got together, but I'm taking things slow. Already I've learned more. Another fabulous development - he brushed his teeth in front of me! I know this isn't going to seem big for any of you, but it is. He's more comfortable doing anything else in front of me, and I haven't been in the room the entire time we've been together. He just kicks me out of the bathroom and locks the door, just to be safe. Last night he said that it was all open.

It's taken us ten months to come this far. I was instantly open with him, he just has that type of personality. For most people, I do to. People tell me things, confess parts of themselves easily to me. I'm not sure why, but John just didn't. He has been secretive and vague about so very, very much. It will be nice to get to know him. Which, you know, is a good thing seeing has how we're getting married exactly six months from now.

Wow! That's a ridiculously short amount of time when you think about it. I mean, it feels like just yesterday I was calling Az asking to crash at her place because my date and I forgot it was Sunday. It feels like just last week when I received adulturous kisses on the back of my neck while browsing Powell's... but let's not think about that now!

I hope that everything can work out. That this new found openness lasts and doesn't fade like so much else in life. I hope that he can really open up to me, let me in where no one else has been before. I crave intimacy, connection, truth. I need to be trusted, to be deemed worthy. I need to know the man I'm marrying.

I love working here now, with John. There's a reason to show up, there's a reason to stay. Even though it's only an hour a day - well, less with the walking and such... but still - it seems to make everything worth while.

I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. *606*Forever*

we're all a bit jaded

When did we all become so jaded?

Think back, far back... to a time when each day was full of emotional purity, clear thoughts, renewed hope, and limitless ambition. The world was literally at your fingertips and nothing and no one could stand in your way. Until, of course it or they did. I wonder, how is it that we can go from such innocent hope to such pessimistic views seemingly in the blink of an eye? We are eternally searching for something to fill this void we've created within ourselves. Something, someone. Is it that our optimism really is dead, or that we keep setting higher and higher standards each time we fail to meet our original? If that is the case, then we are creating this sort of catch-22 self fulfilling prophecy. Creating expectations for life, for love, we know that no one will ever reach - and then we are disappointed when they don't. With each failed project, wish, relationship we seem to set the bar for the next one even higher; furthering our perpetual sorrow and downheartedness. Which begs to question: Can a broken heart ever truly mend?

Do the scars from your past ever really fade away? We like to pretend that they do, we like to put on that face and say that we judge each day of it's own accord. But who are we kidding? Your parental doubts led to you seeking that perfect mate - and we they fell short we seek for something better - better. Why don't we simply search for something different? For something that fits our brokenness, our pessimism, our jaded perspectives?

I still feel like I was just broken up with, like my hearts on the mend - from time to time. My ex and I broke up over a year ago. Perhaps the adage from Charlotte from Sex in the City is true... we don't heal until half the total time in the relationship. Maybe this is true. Somehow I feel that a truer assumption is that we simply never heal. We go through the motions of grief, we get over the worst of it, but the shadows never really are shaken from our frame.

The more we go through life, the more shadows we collect. This isn't to say we cannot find happiness within our covered and jaded frames, that a broken heart cannot love immensely. It's just that the shadows of past hurts and failures cling to the happiness and shroud the love. Perhaps we'll reach this wise old age and find a way to dispel them all. Likelier? We go insane. Senility, Alzheimer's, what is it really than our brain finally succumbing to so much past baggage? Finally throwing in the towel.

Here's the real question. If, in our current condition, we are all so jaded; if a broken heart can never fully heal... Can we break the cycle? Is there some way to reach within ourselves and fix the broken and chipped pieces? I still have faith that there may be. Perhaps, one day, I'll be proven right. Or, I'll fail in someway that erases that faith from within. I suppose, as they say, only time will tell.