It's another Saturday in Streamland

There's nine hours left in the day and all the queues are cleared. I'm listening to music on Grooveshark - ooh check out my nifty little widget, it's purdy.

Today makes two weeks, six days. How on Earth does that even compute? Did we enter a rip in the continuum that somehow only altered time for the two of us? It feels that way, for sure. We've crammed quite a lot in those two weeks, maybe that's it. When I look at that number I feel like I'm losing my mind. It feels like months since we took her to California, but not so much. We left two weeks, four days ago. It feels like eons ago I was making an ass out of myself on a circle of rigidly formed H2O. A rip in the continuum, I could believe that. I'm believing everything else; what's a teeny-tiny rip in the fabric of time?

I think I'm going to try and write some poetry. You'll have to check out the poetry blog of mine for that, hey look - this one's short too!

Blogging in less than 5 Paragraphs.

Here is my attempt at a short blog - Just for Nate.

Happiness. Staying up until the sun was nipping at the horizon has never been sweeter. Take me. Cover me in your world I cannot comprehend. Fill me with your notions. I am saddened two of my friendulars have lost their girls. I see great futures for both of them. I am freezing cold, and could use some warm arms holding me. I am confused, perplexed, scared of my current situation regarding school/money/work. Someone should pay me to stay home - to go to school, cuddle, and write poetry. I would be okay with that. I am adored. You all are amazing. My friends! I don't know if I would be here if you didn't exist. It is Good Friday - commemorating Jesus's crucifixion. I haven't given much thought to the pain he suffered in a very long time - I feel the need to do something, but organized religion is teh sux for the most part. I need to do my homework - stay on the ball. I probably should do that rather than blog at work. My boss compared our contract to the Titanic. Sadness. Plan W is so the win. I just lost the game.

The end.

Eep!

I received a call from the mother company, yes that's right - 818 style. I've been contemplating whether or not I would want to work for a giant corporation that seems to care little for individuals. It would mean a life change for me that I'm not sure I'm ready for.

One one hand, it would allow me to be with some amazing people in a warm, happy climate. I wouldn't be worse off than I am now financially, and would have more on the benefits side of things. Working for such a large company would be a nice boost to my resume - and allow me a bit more street cred in the geek community. (ha. ha.) There are colleges in the area as well, so I would possibly be able to continue my education.

The other side, however, is worth noting. I love where I live now, the city and the people. I have my general life schematics orientated for living in Oregon. I have my school credits which are good in Oregon - but maybe not in Cali. My end goals in life require me to be in Oregon. I won't be better off financially by going there - unless I'm unemployed here that is. Additionally - my family is very important to me -and they are here. My best friend in the whole world is here - or not too far away at least. I don't want the additional pressure of having him move with me -- although somehow I don't think that is playing into this too terribly much because he seems content to be wherever. I am an Oregonian through and through, and although I do so love SoCal... I don't think it's enough.

I wouldn't even think about starting down there until mid-June anyway, which will probably be too late due to the plans I assume are in place. Had they actually contacted me as Winter term was ending, then it would be different. However, I need to finish this term and graduate and all that good stuff before I think about my next step. With that in mind, with my associates I am allowed to become an educational/instructional assistant within school districts. Which equals me making a step in the very much so right direction.

I wish there were a way to play out both scenarios in a box and watch which one ends up better for me. However, life just ain't like that - yet, anyway. Instead I have only the advice of friends and family to go off of. What do I do? Do I take a jump and hope I advance enough to support myself and going to school? Do I stay where I am comfortable and have family I can fall back on if necessary? Help!

ramble ramble.

I have a sinking sensation in my chest. This is going to end. I have a very strong realization - I don't want it to. I really, really don't. I - despite everything - am in love. I know that it's soon - too soon to feel this way. To feel like I do for someone in all honesty I barely know. It may have been a giant jump off of the tallest mountain to feel this way - to do what I have been doing, but really, I don't care. He is the most amazing person I think I've ever met. I don't think that it makes much sense all of this. I can't figure it out, and that scares me.

I realized that after everything I will always love Clint. I don't want to, but I do. I am by no means in love with him. I realize every day that he wasn't good for me, that he couldn't be what I need in a man, couldn't give me what I seek in a relationship. He was a major part of my life, he helped make me who I am - and we did have a lot of amazing, wonderful times. Perhaps that is why it hurts so much to see him disheveled and to have him be such a ... prickish bastard. I don't even know if words can describe the crapiness he has shown to me over the past. Yet, I think it may be in part that my new boyfriend and I showed up at his apartment to take his things from him. Still... I want my Wii god damn it!

I feel like curling up and crying. I don't understand why. I don't understand this impression of ever coming doom that is consuming me. I am curious as how to define what love is as well. How do you define something that is unexplainable? Like how you know that God is there - how to describe the wind, or light.

I know that I want to be with him, I know that the way he smiles melts me. I know that he is intriguing, fantastic, chivalrous, considerate, passionate and unique. I know that everything he does seems brilliant and that the touch of his hand sends shivers down my spine. I know that I am becoming increasingly...protective I suppose you could say... over him - but that I will try not to let him see it. I want to make him happy, and know that he makes me happy. I want to be someone who makes him feel like humanity is worth fighting for - that there isn't reason to lose hope. I love the time we spend together - it is more often than not the highlight of my day. I feel undeserving of this. Love? As defined by some - yes, and it would be what I think as well.

I am afraid of the consequences of this. Of me putting my heart on the line only to get it smashed to smithereens later down the road. Of course he says he won't hurt me - as long as I want him he's mine. Well... I can only imagine he's whispered the same sweet nothings to people he's left broken before. However, I can say that - for the time being and foreseeable future - I do share the sentiment. Even so... it may be the stress of monies, and school, and life getting in the way. Maybe. Or, I am just in a state of hormonal imbalance - eh, who knows?

With so much falling apart - for every relationship ended I feel more despair. I can feel the pain of every broken heart sometimes. I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to find their soul mate and live happily ever after in some mystical land. I want every child to have a warm, loving home and reach their full and utmost potential. I wish so much for the world, even though I know it will never come to be. These bubbles and fantasies should end when the world becomes real to you. I am slightly jaded in that I learned too much of the real world too quickly in my life. How is it, then, that I still have these fantasies of youth? The wish for a ... happy quiet life. For a decent job where I can affect the youth of the nation and help them become the best they can be, a loving man to hold me - a couple children in the yard. I don't know - dreams change and fluctuate, but one thing I long for is completeness. A chance to make a difference.

Okay, so I have no idea if any of this made sense. Just drank pint o' bum wine. In summation (or apparent summation) I feel sad, but it doesn't make sense. I love him but it shouldn't be by societal standards. Fuck society's standards. And... something or other. Kittens are cute. Halle Berry + Hugh Jackman = sexy lady + sexy man = sexy mcsexerson.

Teh end? Fuck if I know. Strong feeling that sobriety will equal deletions and edits. Hmm. Oh vell!

Discussions

"An individual and their character is not defined by what they see and their perception of the matter but rather, another's perception and reaction to our own tastes. Almost sadly, we do not bear the control to define ourselves in this world. We have to go about as we wish (with limitations) and allow the world to see who we are and make a point of reference as to where we stand in their mind's eye."

You see, our perception of reality very much so shapes who and what we are - not necessarily for other people, but definitely for ourselves; which is the most important thing really. Also, who we surround ourselves with will depend on what we consider relevant and admirable qualities - which will be defined based on our perception of such. Therefore, how others see you will be determined by the people you let see you which is determined by your perception. Furthermore, I disagree with your statement that we do not bear the control to define ourselves in this world. I think that we alone have that control and that it is up to us to inflict a high standing of ethos/pathos/logos in the minds of our cohort and peers to shape and bend their perception to our will. I suppose if you honestly had no care as to how the world perceived you, this would not be the case and you could float along as you suggested allowing the world to see who we are and make their own assumptions as to where we stand. Most people, however, at least moderately attempt to modify the way that they are held in the mind's eye of others and the world at large.

Which brings us to the innate human quality of deception and manipulation which are often in place. The facade we emulate so well to hide the inner truths that we are all shallow, greedy, vengeful, prideful, lustful, needy individuals. Which is not to say that we are not also tolerant, giving, peaceful, and humble - but there is definitely a duality in every heart which contains the negative. I will never cease to stop believing in the goodness of humanity - (which you find odd, I think?) If human beings were not good creatures, or did not have the overall capacity for good there would be absolutely no reason to remain in existence other than to achieve your own personal satisfaction. We'd be reduced to a pile of fornicating monkeys with guns and automobiles. I, for one, refuse to sink to that level of disintegration that I will admit exists. I cannot believe that I alone wish to better the world - not for myself, but for others. I refuse to believe that the majority of humanity is not in concurrence with me. I refuse to be a monkey fucking and flinging poo while I rape and pillage my way to the top of some corporate ladder only to realize that none of it matters. It doesn't matter how large your house is, what car you drive, how much money you have in the bank. It doesn't matter if you shop at Saks or Thrift shops. It matters that you have clean hands and a pure heart. It matters that you have the capacity for goodness, kindness and love. At the end of the day I want to be surrounded by those that I love and that love me - in addition to the basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter of course. It doesn't take much to make me happy - perhaps that means I am simple, perhaps. If it means that I am inferior to the rest of humanity - so be it.

But hey, it's all a matter of perception, right?

Perception

I've been thinking a lot lately on the matter of perspective. This can be something complicated, convoluted, and often times disheartening or something similar to it. All that aside - it is something which I will ponder from time to time for probably my whole life, until science creates something which allows me to see the world truly through another's eyes.

The concept of color, of taste, of feeling, of emotion. Is it universal? We know what blue is to us. It is the color of the sky, of a warm ocean, of my eyes. What does blue mean to you? You cannot describe it - because you can only describe it as blue. Green minus yellow. How do I know that the blue I see and perceive is the same you do, let alone the green and yellow hues? Do we taste things the same? Do the curry spices blend on my tongue in the same way they do on yours? Sure, we can both equate deliciousness, spice, conceptual things. But, is it the same? When I say I love you and you requite the feeling - is it the same? Is our concept of an ideal different than one another's but perceived by our brains as being identical in the mirrored brain of a lover?

I know that things like beauty, generosity, kindness, evil, etc. are things which vary in definition from person to person. We accept that others will find somethings appealing that we do not - this is natural. However, we accept things like color and language to be universal. How can we be sure that the words we speak are really the same?

Then again, if we all can communicate in a way which makes these things universal than it doesn't really matter, does it? In the end, our perception defines who and what we are. It is our reality. Whether or not this matches someone else's reality - or the majority of society's reality...well, in the end it doesn't really matter, does it? Unless of course you deviate too far from other people's perceptions. Then they might lock you up in a nice room where nice people will give you nice drugs and talk to you in nice tones and give you a nice jacket.

Which brings us to the topic of insanity. What makes someone insane? Really, they just perceive the world in different tones and hues than you do. Their fluctuations between a median are more extreme than yours. In some circles we call them eccentrics, those who make their own path, drama queens, etc. In others they are deviants, trouble makers, loons.

I suppose it depends. On your perception of the matter, of course.