Thoughts of late.

We all, each of us, lack something. I'm not sure what it is for each person, but I can pretty much guarantee that it is there without a doubt. Me? I lack a lot of things. I lack optimism, I lack a true understanding of faith. I lack the ability to let myself be happy completely and without reservation. Each day rolls by and I want nothing more than to let it pass. Wash over me without so much as a second thought or whim to change it.

I strive to perfect these emotions, contain them in amber bottles with clearly defined black and white labels. Put them up on a shelf where they can be seen by all – perfect. Perfect love, perfect hate, the epitome of rage, jealousy, lust, frustration, joy. Each color coded sticker matching the key hanging from the rafter above. Yet, I fear there are no such things as perfect emotions. Wrapped up in all that we wish to be, do we miss who we really are? There's a quote by John Lennon which says, life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. Is this true of everything we see and do and taste and smell? A world in front of a world masked my our own smoke and mirror contraptions we put in place to keep us safe from really experiencing life. We have these moments, that feel real. I know that in these moments there is a sense of clarity, but they often are the most surreal.

Sitting in a living room, a guitar playing. The smell of weed and beer fills the air. The back door is open to the night. The clear air wafts in and strokes my skin. These are the moments I miss. This is when I felt alive. The three of us, talking into the wee hours of the morning about everything we had and wanted and dreamed and felt. I had to lie and say I had fallen asleep watching a movie. Truth is I was living, clear.

A trip to the beach with mostly all strangers. The sun, the sand. Two guitars, a fire. Someone taking pictures of everything and anything. Free style rap and cuddling with puppies in the sand. Feeling like you're in a movie – because life simply isn't that great. Things like this don't really happen.

A cold winter night. A dare of sorts. The rush of adrenaline as my heart fights to stay beating. The warm, stuffy air of a sauna. Confessions of an earnest heart. I will remember always this night where I did something I would never do. I stepped outside of myself and simply lived. I threw all caution, all concern, all thoughts of how to behave away.

These are the moments I remember, the ones that – regardless of where and who I am, where and who those around me are or were – I hold dear.

It is these moments and scarcely more that I felt I lacked nothing. There was no depression ever longing in my innermost core. There was no insecurity of how I look, what I seem like to other people. It was simply me, being me. I wish that every day felt this way. I wish that every breath was cherished, every moment ethereal. For now, in my mind I am lacking. I am lacking an education, beauty, intellect, wit, charm. I am lacking happiness, optimism, faith, security. I am not desired, I am not craved, but I am here nonetheless. I wish that I could escape. That if someone did desire and crave me – that they would show it. That I was enough for someone. For one person to think that I was the only thing they needed, their whole world. Conceited, perhaps, but I wish it was so. Any who have told me this have not been honest. They lie, they hold other things dearer in their hearts than I ever could be. Other girls, sports, casual sex, words, friends, their past. I will never be good enough. At times, I can accept this and go through life like it was roses and cherry blossoms and everything was great. A mask. There are times when I forget that I am sad, and I like those times. Yesterday, with the fireworks and the conversation with new and interesting people – I forgot. It was a time of almost clarity; just about that level of perfection.

I don't crave wild things most of the time. A walk in the newly risen sunshine, music, love. These are things which I want. There is something that speaks to my soul when I listen to someone on a guitar, playing with passion and care. Something that registers in my mind when I stare at the ocean or into a fire and think of nothing – or, of everything. Lost in pleasure of the senses with a slipping grasp on spacetime. Somethings we do bring us close to feeling this... but alcohol burns the memory, sex is fleeting, drugs leaden the body. I'm not sure if it is possible to be free all the time. I doubt it. I wish for more moments in the sun, more calm clarity with which to view the world.

I wish he loved me like he says he does.

It's independence day

It's an interesting world we live in these days...

I'll drop out of your lives completely means talk to you in a few days.
Even though I tried to keep them together until the end, every bad day she has I feel responsible for... even though I do want her to drop out.
I'll never fuck you over means debt, suspended licenses, and overdue bills.
Those with college educations can't find jobs.
It'd be easier to get by if I was married or had a kid or two.
For someone who promised change for the better, my life's a lot worse off since you were elected Mr. Obama. (I didn't vote for you though, so I feel a little better.)
Merrick is the good cat.
I've given up on trying to be independent.

Still, I do feel lucky to be living where I am in the good ol' U.S. of A. It's the 4th of July for goodness sake. So let's put the what the fuckeries aside; drink, barbecue, blow shit up and celebrate rebellions and our independence from Britain.

It's so Top Secret

John said something yesterday which didn't bug me at all then, but has since started to make me wonder. Corey, his best and arguably only friend, asked to speak with me when he and John where chatting on the phone. Before handing me the phone, John told Corey I was Clearance level zero. So, whatever, right? Had it been any other person I wouldn't have given it a second thought and would have assumed that it was just boys being silly or something to that effect at least. Well, it's not any other person, and that made me think. I should, as someone willing and wanting to spend the rest of my life with John, not only have more than no clearance, but be admitted to know more than Corey does about the goings on, thoughts, etc. in John's life past and present. I not only want this, but expect it as something which is naturally in place. In my life, John gets to know everything, not only about me, but about every person that I come into contact with. There is nothing that I would not share with him about my life, or the lives of my family and friends. He is my significant other, and despite time constraints – we are in a “serious” relationship here. If I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone, it should be with someone who is willing to share the very darkest and hidden corners of their mind and soul with me. There are somethings which people keep to themselves, and that is fine. If John has a need to keep something to himself, than it should be kept to himself. If it is something he can share with a friend, then it is something he can share with me. John is definitely one to try and beat around a subject, tell half stories with enough vagueness that you're confused about the general plot structure. I've noticed this, and begin to prob on occasion, but that doesn't get me anywhere other than slightly irritated and often more confused. I have learned through my breakup with Clint not to be too trusting. I understand that people will often not do things as they should. Still, I wouldn't hold it against John if he didn't want to take out a loan together, or have a bank account in both our names. These things are what screwed me over now, and I realize that they were mistakes. The only time to become so tied to someone is once you have said your vows, and even then it can be kind of risky.

I mention this, because I received a letter in the mail from the DMV saying that my license will be suspended as of the 24th because of the accident I was in. Of course, I wasn't in any accident, but Clint was and totaled the car which, while in both our names, was primarily mine according to documentation. The electric bill he didn't pay for his apartment is now transferred to my bill so I could start new services here. My grandmother has been called with collection agencies looking for Clint, I've been contacted because he's months behind on payments. It's all completely ridiculous and he's causing me way more trouble than he's worth.

In other news, we've got food stamps coming in now for 208 a month, which doesn't cover all of our estimated cost – but 2/3 of it hopefully will be plenty. As we over budgeted things like utility and electric costs as well, and my monthly minimum payments for the credit card are lessened too – we might just be okay. Timing might be off on some things, but everyone will get payed in time, probably. I still owe 400 and some change to PCC which I believe needs to be payed off before I get my diploma, or am able to get official transcripts. Which sucks, because I might not have the money needed to pay that off until I get Financial Aid/ Loans to go to PSU which won't happen unless I am able to send them my official transcripts. Catch 22, for the lose.

I think that the passion that was missing may be back... or at least it was night before last. Is it so wrong to want to feel wanted? I don't think so.

Emotional infidelity and impasses

Well, here we are. I offered the bit of realization that we won't ever be content unless we stop talking to our exes to John and he refused. Not before trying to barter with other people in my life of course. I came to him and said that I wanted to make a deal – I stop all communication beyond necessity with Clint if he returned the favor with Emily. He told me that it wasn't a deal because he didn't care about Clint. Of course this made me want to explode with anger, call Clint and go out with him to dinner or something, because as much as John would like to say Clint doesn't bother him, I know otherwise. Rather than John taking that as an obvious sign of my distress he instead tried to tell me he'd cut Emily out if I cut out Shawnta, or Danielle. I guess I should have made that deal with Danielle since I haven't talked to her in ages and doubt I will. Some ties were stronger to the workplace than to the people I suppose, as much as I enjoy her company. Well, I suppose the communication between them existing wasn't really the problem anyway, not nearly as much as the type. So, I pleaded with him that he should keep talking with her, they are friends after all, but to keep the topics and such to a friendly and platonic level. Which, apparently is impossible between them – but I was trying. Anyway, he completely refuses. Not only does he completely refuse, but he makes up some bullshit about how if he never said he loved her than he'd be lying, and I don't want to date a liar, do I? So we counter back and forth and reach this complete impasse. I don't want him to say he loves her because he shouldn't express that love for an ex, even if he loves her more than myself. He refuses to stop saying he loves her because he feels it would be lying if she said she loved him and he ignored it. To me, this seems like the biggest fallacy I've ever heard of. You can love someone all you like and not tell them, it doesn't mean that you are lying. The level of inappropriateness between the two of them coupled with his fortitude and resolve to stand his ground to continue the level of such – hurt more than I think he'll ever know. Instead of talking with me about the situation, he turns to her. What. A. Surprise. So while I'm trying to converse with him about our issues, he's texting her. Which, based on the level of conversation that we were having was... oh I don't know, the worst thing he could have possibly done. After a bit, I leave the room astonished and hurt beyond all reason that he'd continue to do so. I'm sitting there, laying or whichever, crying and pouring my heart out to him and he's texting her. So I leave, go sit in the living room, pet Kitty and converse with him about the situation. So yes, I'm a crazy cat lady to an extent I suppose, but it helps to talk out loud to someone who can't break your heart. After a while I'm just sitting there brewing and getting worse and worse in my own mind so I go back into the bedroom and express this to John who kind of angrily says 'don't worry that was the last message I'm going to send.' So in my mind I'm thinking, thank goodness, it's over. I don't have to worry about all the insecurities, I don't have to worry about my boyfriend whom I love deeper and more than anyone ever before telling his ex girlfriend that he loves her –or telling her anything at all. I don't have to worry about every time we get in a fight or disagreement him running to her like he had been. Thank goodness, right? Yeah... I was wrong. I suppose that when things occur that seem beneficial to you, you should probably be skeptical, right? Because no one will ever love you. No one will ever truly put you above all others. No one will ever really be that rock you need to hold you up and never let you fall. I guess, sometime you just need to grow up and realize that nothing will ever be like it is in fairy-tales and movies. Well, in my naiveté I thought that it was. So I continued the night as such, and we had some good conversation about his school days and fights and things. Eventually I expressed to him how much he means to me. . . and he ignored it. So, according to his prior beliefs, that would mean he didn't feel the same. So there I am, heartbroken again. At least this time it's over something – which though devastating – is reasonable. At that point, it hadn't even been three months, so me telling him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and that I've never been more in love with anyone as I am with him and that he completes me or whatever, well, it could be too much to take in. So, I let it go and we go to sleep. The next day, we're watching a movie and I start to come on to him and he asks me what's up, what made me happy? So I tell him that since we don't have to worry about any of our past issues that we can move forward and be happy together. So he's confused and we realize the misunderstanding and the argument heats up once more. Eventually I give him an ultimatum, not one saying to choose me or her, or that she goes or I do... no, I would have lost him completely and utterly had I made that my stand. The stand I choose was me or telling her he loves her. I lost that stand. I've been hurt before, by … damn near everyone I've ever met I've been hurt. Perhaps I'm too sensitive and fragile, perhaps the world is simply full of fools, perhaps I have poor taste in guys or friends, or family. No one has ever picked something so trivial over me. My mom picked my dad over me, Jack picked Caitlin over me, Clint picked Jaime over me...and now, now I wasn't getting second place to a person even, I mean yes --- but not in the strictest sense. I was simply being added to the list of someone else's wants and desires, but not in first place where I longed to be. He quoted his morals, his core values of honesty. The bullshit that he still sticks to. Saying that when someone says they love you, they mean it as a question of “Do you love me?” So that not responding with yes, I love you too, would be to say no, I do not. Well, if it helps him sleep at night he can tell himself whatever crackpot of bullshit he likes, but.... let's carry on, shall we? I was crushed beyond crushing, broken beyond anything. I had made me stand, and figured odds were in my favor. After all the bull he'd fed me about me being his primary, the one for him, perfect, how he loved me so much – all of it pointless and nullified. Yet, in my own stubbornness and devotion to him, I couldn't keep up with my threats just then. I couldn't stand to have our relationship fail. I didn't know what to do, or where to turn. I thought of everything I could, every plea I could contrive, the multiple perspectives of the scenario all leading to one thing (assuming he'd been honest with me, that is) of him saying okay to my request. I begged with all my might, and still he remained resolute. I was further devastated by my own lack of control and poise in combination by continuous refusals by the man I love. I contacted Emily, explaining the situation and hoping that she would understand. Well, whether she did or not, she not only said she'd stop with the more than platonic affections, but that she'd drop out of his, our, life completely. Not at all what I wanted, but the best I could get I suppose. I was ridiculously disappointed at costing him a friend, but thought that at least our problems were solved.

Except that... it's not solved. It's like... a band aid for a bullet wound. Well, maybe like... some gauze and tape, but no stitches... oh I'm not good at metaphors apparently, but it's like this. . . The cause of our issues is gone, yes, but he should have wanted it to be gone. He shouldn't have been telling his ex that he loved her in the first place – not once I was his girlfriend at least. As he was, my request should have been met and complied with instantaneously, without qualms or fights. It should have gone like this... “Okay, I have a deal, I cut Clint completely out of my life, and you do the same for Emily.” “Well, I will if you want – but I'd rather not.” “Okay, well, at least don't tell you that you love her anymore?” “That I can do.” “Thank you.”

Or, something more poetic like... or not, but whatever. The gist of it is there. Instead there's this lingering in the back of my mind. Rather than rid me of insecurities as was the 'plan' I'm riddled with more now than before. When I don't ponder and reflect, everything is wonderful. He is and will remain the love of my life and the one I want to be with. He's still the same sweet, funny, considerate, amazing person as he was before and my love for him is unaffected by his transgressions against our relationship. I feel my heart overflow when I look at him, I long for the touch of his skin and would gladly spend the rest of my life with him in commitment today if I knew he felt the same for me as I do for him. The day that he feels like I am his best friend, the only lover he'll ever need, the light of his life, the person he loves above all others past and present and someone that completes his world...that will be the day I will walk with him into the courthouse and sign all the documents to make it official. Of course, I'd much rather have him just propose on the day he realizes that I am these things to him and, like, actually do it proper style --- or as proper as I can manage. I'm beginning to realize that some traditions just won't hold for me. Would it be so wrong for John and I to walk each other down the aisle? Probably. Eh, whatever. Well, we've pretty much been doing the same ol' same. No jobs, no money, no prospects in life. Living off of faith and love and trying to survive. Everything would be perfect between us, except for the lingering doubt I have because he wouldn't not tell her he loves her. If he had agreed when I asked, I'm not sure if anything would outwardly be different than it is now...but inwardly, very much so. I wouldn't doubt that he loves me above all other lovers he's been with, or people he meets. I feel like I will never be good enough for him. That he will always hold on to past relationships for comparison, and that I may meet them, but will never beat them. I feel like I will never be the person he can say he loved more than any other person he'd ever met. I will never be the person that swept him off his feet and kept him there like others failed to do.

What's worse, I think, than that? I know this, that I will never be more in his mind than any past love, and still as long as he considered me his best friend and would remain faithful to me – I'd still marry him. Even though that would mean that his soul mate is still out there somewhere, even if it kept him from ever meeting her. While in most cases I wish John the best, and would give up my own happiness to make him happy – on this point I am sure I would fail in my moral resolve. To keep him in my life I would forsake him the love of his. That sounds ridiculously messed up now that I've written it down, but...that's just how it is.

So, while I do not forgive him – I do my best to forget. Maybe someday I will forgive him. The more probable case is I simply stop caring about Emily and that he chose her, because he has been with me long enough for it to be mute. That isn't now, and I don't think it will be soon, but I do think that it will be someday. I hope I can forget how he made me feel, that he broke my heart while swearing to protect it. I hope I can forget how he told me that he will be mine as long as I want nothing and no one more than him – and was a hypocrite to his own beliefs. Where's the moral code in that? I'd give up a lot of interactions with others, regardless of how I felt about them rather than be a hypocrite like that on a matter of utmost importance to the person I was supposed to be dedicated to.

There I go again. Raw wounds still, though time has passed enough for him to have forgotten. I hope they do not remain raw too much longer, for they pain me so.

I wish that tuesday just wasn't.

So I've come to a resolution that I need to write daily, or as close to it as I can. With all the stress that I've been under lately it'd by good to clear my head with some words on a page. So, here's today...

Brittany's sister sent me a text to let me know that Brittany was in town, which is always a great surprise. John and I went to try and get food stamps and got an appointment for 1:30 on Monday. Even if food stamps covers the entire cost of our food monthly, ~$300, we're still looking at needing an additional 500 to make ends meet. Where this is going to come from, I'm not entirely sure. I feel like I've been a drag to the world around me because of the money situation. There is hardly ever good news to report, and I have to turn down so many things. I want to go into Portland, walk the water, soak in Saturday Market – but I don't have the money to even buy Max tickets. Of course I could always free ride like I did as a kid, but they've kind of upped the...patrols or what have you these days.

John and I went to hang out with Brittany, good just to...hang out with someone, you know? Someone who understands me, and reasons with me and … is me. A little, tiny me. I felt extremely bad for John though. I mean there we were reminiscing and what have you and he's completely and utterly lost. He doesn't know the places or people we're talking about. Oaks Park, the Zoo...you know the past experiences Brittany and I have. We've known each other since the sixth grade, and here I am finishing the 14th, well... technically it's year 15. So...that's 9 years, more than. History. John went..somewhere with Zach and Brittany and I were talking and such. I showed her a picture on John's phone and then we scrolled through the rest and I made some snarky comment about how I must be looking at some other directory than the one John scrolls through because there's no Emily. I posted something in the online format about her sending John inappropriate messages and such and Brittany asked about it. John's said over and over that I'm more than welcome to look at anything so I brought up the texts between them to show to her – as I've seen them per John before....no big deal. Well apparently although he just dismissed the messages with me present, he replied to them later. So there's these replies with him telling her he loves her, and is glad that his belongings bring her comfort and that fucking retarded only on tuesdays bullshit. So there I am completely and utterly embarrassed, because I'm supposed to be showing my best friend how fucked up his ex-girlfriend is and why I am having these issues and instead I'm having to show her my boyfriend, who's supposed to be all about me and not someone else...being about someone else. If she wasn't in Virginia I think that I would have left. . . or, something. As is, I just talked to Brittany about it to get her perspective. She calmed me down a little bit, but did agree that it's kind of fucked up. So I talked to him about it. Again. For the I don't know how many times we've had this conversation. You don't lead on your ex-girlfriend, you don't tell her you love her, you don't recite former pet names or sayings. You just don't! He just kind of went, oh.... As much as I love him, I can't deal with it. I want him to want me, and no other. If he still has feelings for her I can't be with him. If he's going to lead her on like he has feelings for her, I can't...I won't....

I don't know how I ever thought about marrying Clint when I think about John. I feel like my future is with him, that as long as I have him everything will be... okay. I love him completely and more than anyone else in my life, past or present. That being said, I don't think he feels the same about me. I shouldn't expect him to really – it's been such a short time since we got together really, but still.... I mean I'm fairly certain that he's had loves in the past that he feels stronger about than this one. That he'd be married to any number of his exes up until this point if not for errors on their parts. I feel like, with me...he's settling. That I'm good enough, I fill that spot that he needs to have filled for the moment. So he'll cloud my head with these notions of future life together and such until he finds someone better. I hope that in time I'll become the love of his life. That I will mean to him what he means to me. That he won't tell anyone he loves them but me, that he can give up his past and truly devote himself to me. I can see myself married to him, a couple kids and such running around and all the happiness and joy that two people could ask for. I don't know if he understands how much I care for him. I want him to be happy. If that means being happy with someone else, than it does. I pray every night that God takes the pain he has away from him, even if it means giving it to me. I would take everything he feels wrong in his life unto myself. That sounds... something, but you know what, at this point I'm done trying to fit into someone's mold of normal societal existence. I don't think John really wants to let me in. Either he can't or won't trust me, or he is ashamed...or ...something. Whenever I ask him questions he gives me vague answers, or will just say 'something' and/or 'stuff' when I probe more. And I'm not just going to force it, you know? I'm not going to be like “Have you ever killed someone?” or “Tell me everything in detail about that...program or whatever you were in..you know the tattoo and all that.” I don't work like that. So I'll piece the puzzle together one tiny tiny piece at a time, or I'll lose the first pieces as the new ones come in and be completely and utterly lost. Who knows. I suppose, it doesn't matter anyway. It's more curiosity than actual need. His responses could be anything and I'd still love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. That being said, I'd still like to be trusted enough for a straight up blunt answer to be given no beating around the bush..

Le sigh. I don't think we'll ever be content unless we both completely stopped talking to our exes. Oh, wait, I've done that. He hasn't. Hm, what a surprise. So yeah, I'm pissed, and I'm bitter, and I'm utterly crushed. I still love him, I still want him by my side until I take my final breath, and after...it's just...it's hard. Food time now....

an update

Well, I promised an update...so here's an update.

The apartment we've got is pretty decent. Besides the little kids that are like gang warring each other and our neighbor that snores so loud we can hear him and the thumping of the Mexican music all the time... just dandy. The pool is nice, even though we only want to go when there aren't people there which means it's dark and the pool is closed. Hasn't been to much of a problem thus far though.

The unemployment coming in is a lot less than their estimated figure...only pulling in 238 a week. So I've got my applications for Food Stamps and Section 8 -- I can only hope that something comes through. I'm looking at -$800 a month until John's unemployment comes in and then we're at -$500. So we need some jobs or... a Fairy Godmother... or something. A money tree would be great. Hopefully Uncle Sam pulls through. All those taxes I've been paying over the years and such. A little assistance until someone figures out that bailing out companies isn't working and lets the market stabilize. Or... just you know solves it somehow.

John and I are super happy and such in the relationship field of things. I think if his ex would stop sending him texts that are... I don't know, inappropriate would probably be the best word, that there wouldn't be any friction between us. I cannot blame John for this though, and at least he's being honest with me and such so it's not, like... too bad.

I need to cash out my 401K deal, that will help a smidgen. In addition, hopefully I can get some money from my whole graduation deal. That's the par for the course gift, right? With a little luck and a whole lot of faith - maybe we'll pull through. A couple minimum wage jobs doing bullshit would be great. Know of any? I've been putting in applications and sending resume's everywhere with no avail thus far.

Keep on keepin on, right? I just hope that I can do all this without begging, borrowing, or stealing. Anyway, without money/job woes everything is fine. I think that I can get some loans going and school and such to even everything out. Here's hoping.

I'm slightly R rated.

Here it is... four o'clock in the morning, and I cannot sleep. It's not that I'm not tired, because I am -- very much so actually. The reason I fail to find that long longed for delivery by the sandman is that tonight I will go to bed completely unsatisfied, in the most physical sense of course. It is in this time where I am stressed to the point of exploding in bits of rage at everything that I need to be loved the most I think. Not held, or hugged, or reassured. Not bent over anything and ravaged. Loved. Completely and deeply, and in a way that only he could give me. I can't tell him this, that I feel somehow everything would be better if he would only have sex with me. That's not even it. I don't want sex, or to fuck or screw or whatever term you choose to describe this fornication. (By the way...fornication is one of my least favorite words in the English language, guilt anyone?) I want only to make love with the one that I love. Instead I lay with his naked body pressed up against mine, holding me close...and me, well, I guess there's no sugar coating needed -- I'm frustrated to the point of tears damn near. In this moment I realize that I would fail at writing erotica. I'm much to much of a hopeless romantic. It's not enough to talk about quivering members, throbbing cocks, and slippery wet pussy. (Another of my least favorite words.) I'd want the characters dancing in my mind to fall in love and have a happily ever after. I guess... you can have both, right?

Which kind of brings me to a point which I've brought up with my best friend, but not with him...directly at least. The disconnect. Our usual ... sexual adventures, if you will, are full of this passion. It's raw, and it's definitely carnal. It makes me feel empowered even if I'm being 'dominated' and it gives me this amazing rush during. When it's over, it feels like the world I was just in sort of melts and there he is beside me. Like...he's not the same man that was just with me. I'm dating two people, or something. It sounds insane I'm sure. However, it's like there's this super caring and loving individual who is silly and we can laugh and joke and such together with ease. Then there's this I'm going to bend you this way grab you here and fuck your brains out guy -- who I am a fan of, for sure and definitely. It's weird though, that somehow in my reflections of the world...these two, personalities, if you will - they aren't the same person. They are in the fact that they generally look the same and feel the same and taste the same. There's something more animalistic in him than normal, a throw back to a time when we lacked higher brain function. I don't know how many tabs he has open at that moment, but I don't care. All I want his him to flip me around grab my arms and fuck me harder, deeper, faster. To pull my hair and to pinch, bite, and suck everything else he possibly can. To make me writhe in pleasure to cry out in complete and utter physical ecstasy. And in writing that I note, perhaps there is a disconnect not within him, but within myself?

Regardless... tonight... I didn't want that. I was slightly frustrated from a less than fantastic, and definitely not par for the course performance of earlier, sure. I wouldn't be lying to say it sucked...Anyway. That's not what my concern was. Rather than sit there and..compare notes and test this and that. Rather than talk about anything, well... I just wanted the night to be...I don't know. The only time that I didn't have the disconnect I mentioned is when I asked him flat out to just love me. It was then that I felt my soul reaching out and ...dancing intertwined with his. Dumb, I know, but it was something so deep and real and...nearly spiritual as blasphemous as that may be.