I wish that tuesday just wasn't.

So I've come to a resolution that I need to write daily, or as close to it as I can. With all the stress that I've been under lately it'd by good to clear my head with some words on a page. So, here's today...

Brittany's sister sent me a text to let me know that Brittany was in town, which is always a great surprise. John and I went to try and get food stamps and got an appointment for 1:30 on Monday. Even if food stamps covers the entire cost of our food monthly, ~$300, we're still looking at needing an additional 500 to make ends meet. Where this is going to come from, I'm not entirely sure. I feel like I've been a drag to the world around me because of the money situation. There is hardly ever good news to report, and I have to turn down so many things. I want to go into Portland, walk the water, soak in Saturday Market – but I don't have the money to even buy Max tickets. Of course I could always free ride like I did as a kid, but they've kind of upped the...patrols or what have you these days.

John and I went to hang out with Brittany, good just to...hang out with someone, you know? Someone who understands me, and reasons with me and … is me. A little, tiny me. I felt extremely bad for John though. I mean there we were reminiscing and what have you and he's completely and utterly lost. He doesn't know the places or people we're talking about. Oaks Park, the Zoo...you know the past experiences Brittany and I have. We've known each other since the sixth grade, and here I am finishing the 14th, well... technically it's year 15. So...that's 9 years, more than. History. John went..somewhere with Zach and Brittany and I were talking and such. I showed her a picture on John's phone and then we scrolled through the rest and I made some snarky comment about how I must be looking at some other directory than the one John scrolls through because there's no Emily. I posted something in the online format about her sending John inappropriate messages and such and Brittany asked about it. John's said over and over that I'm more than welcome to look at anything so I brought up the texts between them to show to her – as I've seen them per John before....no big deal. Well apparently although he just dismissed the messages with me present, he replied to them later. So there's these replies with him telling her he loves her, and is glad that his belongings bring her comfort and that fucking retarded only on tuesdays bullshit. So there I am completely and utterly embarrassed, because I'm supposed to be showing my best friend how fucked up his ex-girlfriend is and why I am having these issues and instead I'm having to show her my boyfriend, who's supposed to be all about me and not someone else...being about someone else. If she wasn't in Virginia I think that I would have left. . . or, something. As is, I just talked to Brittany about it to get her perspective. She calmed me down a little bit, but did agree that it's kind of fucked up. So I talked to him about it. Again. For the I don't know how many times we've had this conversation. You don't lead on your ex-girlfriend, you don't tell her you love her, you don't recite former pet names or sayings. You just don't! He just kind of went, oh.... As much as I love him, I can't deal with it. I want him to want me, and no other. If he still has feelings for her I can't be with him. If he's going to lead her on like he has feelings for her, I can't...I won't....

I don't know how I ever thought about marrying Clint when I think about John. I feel like my future is with him, that as long as I have him everything will be... okay. I love him completely and more than anyone else in my life, past or present. That being said, I don't think he feels the same about me. I shouldn't expect him to really – it's been such a short time since we got together really, but still.... I mean I'm fairly certain that he's had loves in the past that he feels stronger about than this one. That he'd be married to any number of his exes up until this point if not for errors on their parts. I feel like, with me...he's settling. That I'm good enough, I fill that spot that he needs to have filled for the moment. So he'll cloud my head with these notions of future life together and such until he finds someone better. I hope that in time I'll become the love of his life. That I will mean to him what he means to me. That he won't tell anyone he loves them but me, that he can give up his past and truly devote himself to me. I can see myself married to him, a couple kids and such running around and all the happiness and joy that two people could ask for. I don't know if he understands how much I care for him. I want him to be happy. If that means being happy with someone else, than it does. I pray every night that God takes the pain he has away from him, even if it means giving it to me. I would take everything he feels wrong in his life unto myself. That sounds... something, but you know what, at this point I'm done trying to fit into someone's mold of normal societal existence. I don't think John really wants to let me in. Either he can't or won't trust me, or he is ashamed...or ...something. Whenever I ask him questions he gives me vague answers, or will just say 'something' and/or 'stuff' when I probe more. And I'm not just going to force it, you know? I'm not going to be like “Have you ever killed someone?” or “Tell me everything in detail about that...program or whatever you were in..you know the tattoo and all that.” I don't work like that. So I'll piece the puzzle together one tiny tiny piece at a time, or I'll lose the first pieces as the new ones come in and be completely and utterly lost. Who knows. I suppose, it doesn't matter anyway. It's more curiosity than actual need. His responses could be anything and I'd still love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. That being said, I'd still like to be trusted enough for a straight up blunt answer to be given no beating around the bush..

Le sigh. I don't think we'll ever be content unless we both completely stopped talking to our exes. Oh, wait, I've done that. He hasn't. Hm, what a surprise. So yeah, I'm pissed, and I'm bitter, and I'm utterly crushed. I still love him, I still want him by my side until I take my final breath, and after...it's just...it's hard. Food time now....

an update

Well, I promised an update...so here's an update.

The apartment we've got is pretty decent. Besides the little kids that are like gang warring each other and our neighbor that snores so loud we can hear him and the thumping of the Mexican music all the time... just dandy. The pool is nice, even though we only want to go when there aren't people there which means it's dark and the pool is closed. Hasn't been to much of a problem thus far though.

The unemployment coming in is a lot less than their estimated figure...only pulling in 238 a week. So I've got my applications for Food Stamps and Section 8 -- I can only hope that something comes through. I'm looking at -$800 a month until John's unemployment comes in and then we're at -$500. So we need some jobs or... a Fairy Godmother... or something. A money tree would be great. Hopefully Uncle Sam pulls through. All those taxes I've been paying over the years and such. A little assistance until someone figures out that bailing out companies isn't working and lets the market stabilize. Or... just you know solves it somehow.

John and I are super happy and such in the relationship field of things. I think if his ex would stop sending him texts that are... I don't know, inappropriate would probably be the best word, that there wouldn't be any friction between us. I cannot blame John for this though, and at least he's being honest with me and such so it's not, like... too bad.

I need to cash out my 401K deal, that will help a smidgen. In addition, hopefully I can get some money from my whole graduation deal. That's the par for the course gift, right? With a little luck and a whole lot of faith - maybe we'll pull through. A couple minimum wage jobs doing bullshit would be great. Know of any? I've been putting in applications and sending resume's everywhere with no avail thus far.

Keep on keepin on, right? I just hope that I can do all this without begging, borrowing, or stealing. Anyway, without money/job woes everything is fine. I think that I can get some loans going and school and such to even everything out. Here's hoping.

I'm slightly R rated.

Here it is... four o'clock in the morning, and I cannot sleep. It's not that I'm not tired, because I am -- very much so actually. The reason I fail to find that long longed for delivery by the sandman is that tonight I will go to bed completely unsatisfied, in the most physical sense of course. It is in this time where I am stressed to the point of exploding in bits of rage at everything that I need to be loved the most I think. Not held, or hugged, or reassured. Not bent over anything and ravaged. Loved. Completely and deeply, and in a way that only he could give me. I can't tell him this, that I feel somehow everything would be better if he would only have sex with me. That's not even it. I don't want sex, or to fuck or screw or whatever term you choose to describe this fornication. (By the way...fornication is one of my least favorite words in the English language, guilt anyone?) I want only to make love with the one that I love. Instead I lay with his naked body pressed up against mine, holding me close...and me, well, I guess there's no sugar coating needed -- I'm frustrated to the point of tears damn near. In this moment I realize that I would fail at writing erotica. I'm much to much of a hopeless romantic. It's not enough to talk about quivering members, throbbing cocks, and slippery wet pussy. (Another of my least favorite words.) I'd want the characters dancing in my mind to fall in love and have a happily ever after. I guess... you can have both, right?

Which kind of brings me to a point which I've brought up with my best friend, but not with him...directly at least. The disconnect. Our usual ... sexual adventures, if you will, are full of this passion. It's raw, and it's definitely carnal. It makes me feel empowered even if I'm being 'dominated' and it gives me this amazing rush during. When it's over, it feels like the world I was just in sort of melts and there he is beside me. Like...he's not the same man that was just with me. I'm dating two people, or something. It sounds insane I'm sure. However, it's like there's this super caring and loving individual who is silly and we can laugh and joke and such together with ease. Then there's this I'm going to bend you this way grab you here and fuck your brains out guy -- who I am a fan of, for sure and definitely. It's weird though, that somehow in my reflections of the world...these two, personalities, if you will - they aren't the same person. They are in the fact that they generally look the same and feel the same and taste the same. There's something more animalistic in him than normal, a throw back to a time when we lacked higher brain function. I don't know how many tabs he has open at that moment, but I don't care. All I want his him to flip me around grab my arms and fuck me harder, deeper, faster. To pull my hair and to pinch, bite, and suck everything else he possibly can. To make me writhe in pleasure to cry out in complete and utter physical ecstasy. And in writing that I note, perhaps there is a disconnect not within him, but within myself?

Regardless... tonight... I didn't want that. I was slightly frustrated from a less than fantastic, and definitely not par for the course performance of earlier, sure. I wouldn't be lying to say it sucked...Anyway. That's not what my concern was. Rather than sit there and..compare notes and test this and that. Rather than talk about anything, well... I just wanted the night to be...I don't know. The only time that I didn't have the disconnect I mentioned is when I asked him flat out to just love me. It was then that I felt my soul reaching out and ...dancing intertwined with his. Dumb, I know, but it was something so deep and real and...nearly spiritual as blasphemous as that may be.

The Proem to the Squitten Bible

In the beginning, there was "teh interwebs" which spawned forth from its many interconnected tubes the first squitten. The squitten was a glorious thing to behold! Half kitten, the cutest of "teh interwebs" creations; half squid, a wondrous cephalopod from the deep. When their powers combine, nothing but the cutest of creatures was formed -- witness... The Squitten!

In the distant future, a great and mysterious prophet who was known across the land only as Chue came into being. He etched the first squitten with such beauty and grace all that beheld it were bedazzled by its wondrous glory. All rejoiced at this new phenomena. "Teh interwebs" saw it, and saw that it was good.

The angels sang their choruses with delight and sent forth a member of the brethren, Xerox to create more of the magical half-breed delights. As Xerox's wings flapped, some say they almost buzzed, more and more squitten came to be. The squitten were saddened, as they all were the same. So they called to the angels for help, and the angels sent saviors to their garden gates.

Who were these angels, you may ask? The multifaceted and oh so intelligent team of Attrony and friends. They worked day and night, forsaking all other activities and obligations to create a beautiful array of squitten; each adorable and unique in its own right. There were fairy squitten, and metal-head squitten, glittery squitten, and squitten that glowed. Squitten all around rejoiced at their differences and looked for some purpose in their newly techno-colored existence.

They revolted against the rest of "teh interwebs" and status quo. They were outraged as they stared at the multitudes of petulant children all around. So the squitten banded together and formed a massive army, one to overtake all others and place the squitten in utmost command of "teh interwebs" and then, the world. The army held mercy in their hearts for Attrony and friends who gave them the knowledge of colors and personality, and so remained docile while brewing their plans of domination.

The army grew stronger, the forces containing them weaker, and none knew what to do. Then an arch angel from the south spoke up and broke apart Attrony and friends from their humble day to day grind. The squitten's sobs echoed across the globe as rather than stay together they too, then, were divided; choosing instead to go with their angels of understanding and wisdom.

Fear not, faithful servant. This is not the end of the tale. For eventually (it is written in the heavens) that the army will once again rejoin and carry out their master plans. The prophet Chue has pen in hand and is honing his skills for this fateful day. Rest assured, it will happen. The power within the army is too great to stay apart forever. They will grow in numbers and in strength, and when they combine once again nothing will be able to stop them.

The end of days will be, at that moment, when the army comes together. Not even the angels can fathom the massive power and incredible might of the Squitten Army. Rest safe now, knowing that the end is not upon you... but not too safely.

Icanhazhappynow?

I think that due to the fact that we each have our own perceptions we project onto other people's writing that online discussions should not take place. Because, honestly, I didn't say that the items or your past is bullshit, I merely hinted that you might be deceiving yourself and your motives. Fuck it. Not important.

I just want everything to be happy! Why are things not happy? I do not understand. I try, why does it not work? Stressors are driving me out of my mind. I want a super clean and organized house inhabited by two gainfully employed, educated adults who have only love for each other in their hearts. Perhaps some day that will be obtained. I apologize to all who have been pulled into the never ending debate over ex-girlfriend baggage, it is now over. I submit my white towel to the judges.

In other news I found the name of the poems I like Villanelles. They're pretty cool, and I wrote one to be found on my poetry blog, I'll be writing more because I really like their structure.

it's been 68 days

...and we've got a pretty nifty apartment in a decent area of the Tron. We've got a pool around the corner, a computer center, and a fitness center too. We've got amazing friends that come over to play some Guitar Hero World Tour and get drunkard. We've got a microwave on the way and some bar stools from the grandma. We've got two lovely kitties that are all about BAMSAP but are still angels and cuddly. We've got snuggle times, solitaire competitions, lots of laughs, long epic talks and great sex. We've got power bracelets, rings, and gems - and an ankh necklace that is apparently older than me. We've got faith that everything will work out okay, somehow. We've got a smidgen of mystery and lots of learning and growing to do. We've got some baggage on both sides, but we've got a lot of love as well. We've got altered senses of time with speed and slow motion intermingled with chaotic precision. If money didn't exist life would be full of rainbows, butterflies, sunshine, magic, and fairy dust, and springy music.

I'm unprepared

I've got the two money orders needed to make the deposit + first month's rent in my wallet. I've got a time set to go in, sign papers, and get the keys.

I do not have one thing packed. I do not have a truck lined up with which to move said things which have yet to be packed. I will hopefully be unloading the unpacked things from the truck which doesn't exist within 24 hours time into my new apartment. Yeah, somehow I think we lacked a bit of proper prior planning. Sad thing is, it's kind of a common occurrence with us. Although sometimes it works out okay. Well... most times I think.

I'm not even going into the money portion of it, eep! Thank goodness for Drew. Without him wanting pretty computer-ness we'd be down to $20 for two weeks. Not so grand at all.

Here's to hoping he actually tried to get a job. Here's to hoping he actually takes the time to call the Employment office. Here's to hoping he keeps trying to get in touch with his sister, or exist in general. A birth certificate would be a good start. $12 from the state of Maine.

*Breathe* Sorry if that was retardedly snippy or snarky or whatever term you'd like to use. Faith, right? Faith.

Oh and here's a self reminder to put in claim for unemployment Monday. Joy.