it's been 8 months

Well, it's that time again. The anniversary post! So it's now been 8 months since I was convinced by a certain vulcan that being in a relationship with him was the right thing to do. Eight months (and one day) ago I sat there - jaded, confused - and contemplated whether I wanted another serious relationship. I didn't, but I also didn't want to lose what felt like an amazing and life changing thing. So I went for it. And, well, the rest is history. We definitely squabble but we always end up being okay. There seems to be no hill we cannot climb. Things look deary, but there is light up ahead. I love you Johnathan Lee. I will, always.

"Though lovers be lost, love shall not. And death shall have no dominion." -- And Death Shall Have No Dominion - Dylan Thomas

I'm legal!

Me as an official adult! It's pretty exciting, actually.

I had a very fabulous birthday extravaganza. I got off work and watched a view episodes of Voyager. Then we went to Matzatlan and had tasty food. I got some Al Pastor tacos and a pina colada. The server got excited it was my birthday, and brought me some free tasty deep fried cinnamon sugar tortillas. As we're getting ready to leave, they come over with a giant sombrero and noise maker thingies and what not. From there we head home to drop off left overs and go to Uptown Billiards. Play a couple games of pool and drink a super crazy strong drink that was a custom creation of our server's. She gave us free birthday pool. Then I went to Montage and got Cotton Candy Chuckles and red beans and rice. Apparently I was the 3rd person to come in celebrating their 21st birthday. For dessert a flaming mudslide pie! So tasty - and of course, on the house. It was definitely a very fun night.

My birthday presents included $100 from Brittany's mom and $50 from the grandparents. So John and I went to Streets of Tanasbourne and got helmets, a bike pump, 5 panties, a lingerie set, and we each got a shirt from American Eagle. With the foods and fun times the money was totally gone. Still really wanting some items from my ModCloth Wishlist, but they can wait until full time employment is mine.

We also went to Buffalo Wild Wings for boneless Thursday and Happy Hour and got sloshed on some Wild Punch which is crazy tasty.

Tonight we're going to Color Me Timbers - an event with color crayons and house music and visual coolness. Hopefully it's going to be fun! Jeremy is one of the DJs performing, so we'll get to see his stuff.

Anyway, I'm a big girl now! Which means I can go places, and do things.

ups and downs

After three... four days of agonizing debating, screaming, crying, and general not fun times I think that we have come to an okay point once again. Apparently we are doomed to have epic battles every so often to keep the peace the rest of the time.... or something. I'm not sure exactly why we fight the way that we do when our answers are always the same. Differing perception. Two views arguing toh-may-to toh-mah-to. It's all quite real and horrible and frustrating and confusing and painful... but it's also ridiculously benign and silly. Yes, we were on the verge of calling of everything. After further discussions today, however, I think we came to realize that John can be wrong. . . Wait that wasn't it? Well... close enough. Now on to happier things... wait, that's wedding related! Post over on the wedding blog see you there!

The bigger the star, the faster it dies.

It is indeed a stressful time here in Paradise. With a feeling of being alone even when he's with me, and the usual drama... it's was a long day yesterday indeed. Somehow we got into a fight over the past...again. I'm not entirely even sure how it escalated the way it did other than a complete clashing of moral code. So I got the story that he'd been so desperately trying to tell me. I can only agree with - or bend my code to accommodate for 2 of his prior 7, or 8, or 9... I'm not sure which. A Sara and a Sarah... a Rachel that was included but not. So who knows? And when you start climbing into numbers that high, what does it even matter. Except for those two, every other person was against what I hold to believe as right. I understand the why, I do... and cannot blame a person for it. I know that not all hold themselves to such standards as I do myself. I understand the physical need, the want to please a partner, the want to feel needed and loved, and like you have the capacity for such inside yourself. So I am given the choice to get over it or get over him. Well, I never was planning on holding on to such things. It's more the lying that I don't like. The excuses, the trying to param in just the right thing to make each lie work within a prior lie and all to serve his agenda - whatever it may be at the time. He calls it differing perspectives, changing daily as he changes. I call it a load of crap. He hopes that I can trust him... Honestly, all I can say is that trust has to be earned - and once lost is not easily regained.

He will admit that I am not the love of his life - but says he does not believe - or doesn't have the capacity to feel as such. That he has loved others as much as he does me now, and that each one of us he has given himself completely to. Perhaps he doesn't believe in soul mates - I don't think he does. He says if I were to die, even if we were married for over 20 years, that he would love someone again, as much as he does me now. With such a fleeting definition and constraint, how do I know he will not find this next great love while I am still in the picture? He says he fell in love with the girl he cheated on Emily with. That he would have gladly spent his life with her. For something so purely based on physical, and in such a transgressional way... what do I really matter to him? The only way he could ease my mind would be to travel back in time and reevaluate his situation I suppose. The only way for me to not be feeling as I am is if he had said what I feel as truth, that he was not in love with her. Just because you fuck someone doesn't mean you love them. Apparently I've found myself one of those guys, of which there are many, that believes it does. That believes that the emotional hangs on the physical - or perhaps not even believes this as such, but knows it. Or rather, it is linked in the subconscious of which they may be unawares. I will tell you this. You cannot be in love with someone after knowing them for two days. No matter how much those two days will mean to you, it is not something you can do. You may fall in love with the idea of the matter, of how they portray themselves, of what things may be. You simply cannot love them enough to say you would spend the rest of your life with them after two days. Why did you say so little of Rachel? I have a feeling it was because you realized that you are a physical being. That you do not have to be in love to be with someone sexually ... that your very structure and foundation upon which you build your tales is nothing more than a rotten and termite infested plank.

I'm done arguing the matter. I know the truth of what is at hand. Now I am faced with the choice of whether or to call him foolish and naive or call him a liar. He is most definitely and irrefutably one of the two. . . But, which one?

If I call him foolish and naive, then I can hope that he will mature and will realize the facts as I do. If I call him a liar, than this is one too many times and the entire basis of our relationship is flawed. If he is foolish and naive I can stay with him. If he is a liar I cannot.

Perhaps I'm blind. Perhaps it's another one of the effects of the Addison poison. Perhaps I just don't want to know. Whatever it is... for now, frustrated and amazed and dumbfounded as I am... I will call him foolish. I will call him naive. I hope that he will understand his... perspective as such, with time look back and apologize the hell he put me through. For the lies he wove, unbeknown to him. I know that in taking this stance I show foolishness and naivety myself... but what choice do I really have?

In astrology we learned, the bigger the star the faster it "dies." I hope that this is not the same of love. The greater the love, the greater the passion, the quicker the flame is blown out to reveal reality. If that is the case I will have to simply hang up my hat. For I will not settle for a lessor love so that I may have forever, and I will not chase a great love to be so burned in the wake of its nova. So then, if this is the case I will choose no love.

I hope that this is not the case. That he will learn and grow and change and understand and comprehend the outlandishness of it all. That he will realize a new capacity for love. That he will find me to be the love of his life, his soul mate, the one that he loves above all past, present, and future. For if he does not... if he cannot... I'm not sure what I can do.

Don't use your nails on the screen...

Among other things, like put that in your pocket and set that there... the new Motorola Droid has entered our family realm. I'm not too sure how I feel about it. In concept, it's great. Made by Google, open source format, tons of free appsthe works when it comes to smart phones. The keyboard keys are waay to shallow for my liking, and the phone's body is bulky, odd and unrefined. Still, without too much trouble, I'm able to write this blog on it. John spent way to much money on it, put it on a now maxed out credit card. He's now down to christmas and birthday presents resuming sometime in 2011 I think... although I doubt I'll hold him to that.

Why today isn't the best day ever.

Today I woke up and went to fill out some DHS paperwork that I have to get into them so we can continue to get food stamps. Since in October I made some actual money - there's a chance we might not continue getting food stamps, or get a much more reduced amount. I'm hoping I can talk our case lady into letting us keep them.... since w/o them we're totally fucked.

In addition, for some reason I'm not sure of the employment department has denied my benefits. I need to call them and figure out why, and what I can do to get them. I'm working 20 hours a week -- making LESS than my UI insurance was. It would have been better for me just to not have a job...

Our bills for the month... phone, rent, w/s/g, electric, etc. are 100.76% of John and my combined income. Which means that there is absolutely no wiggle room... None. However, even with throwing whatever else (gas, food > FS, etc.) onto credit cards (which I hate doing!) we'll still be that .76% short. Not too terribly much, but still.

John is crazy super sick. Like... death. He coughed up blood and is crazy congested. Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do except put cough drops and the like on CC and hope that he gets better.

The Mazda... well you know about that.

Debt in general. We're barely staying afloat, and a large portion of that is because of CC and car payments. Without them, all we'd have to worry about is phone/internet/tv/rent/w-s-g/electric. I tried to consolidate all of the debts (totaling close to 10k) into one loan so I could pay it off at hopefully a lower monthly payment and free up CCs for those 'just in case' moments. However, because of the amount of debt I have - and the Mazda's late payments, I was denied.... so we'll keep charging stuff on CCs to stay alive because we're spending so much on payments.... Ah, now I see why people say to avoid the mother fuckers.

I'm thinking of looking into claiming bankruptcy. Yes, it would fuck my credit for seven years, but I need to do it before John and I get married if I'm going to do it. I need to pay off car first though, because I can't get that repossessed.

Did I mention we're planning a wedding? Somehow I have a feeling that it's not going to happen. I mean, see all the above and tell me how to pull over 4k out of that? You can't. I can only hope that we get a lot more help than expected.

John still doesn't have a job. He says that he's looking and applying everywhere, but there's hardly a callback. He hasn't even been on one interview since he was laid off in April. Not one. This is rather depressing as I've had half a dozen interviews and two separate jobs since then. Stream is ramping up again - so we'll see.

To top it all off, I'm freaking out and John's telling me to have faith. Have faith that his plan will magically happen. I have faith that if we don't pay rent we'll get evicted, I have faith that if he doesn't get employed by ... next week we're fucked. He seems to think everything will be okay - but I just don't see it. So he's being an ass about me being upset, because that's helpful.

Good things? UH... right.

I have a job. It's not doing anything but fucking me over for now... but it should flip to full time soon - which will help if John gets a job too- because we'll lose some if not all of food stamps once that happens.

The check I wrote my grandparents for rent hasn't gone through yet. This is our main saving grace for making it through November. If they had cashed it when I wrote it then we'd have no money at all for any bills. With that still in the air we'll be able to make it through November... unless of course they cash it soon... In which case triple fucked. However, I can't bear to ask them not to, they're not doing too terribly hot themselves I don't think. I'll just roll with it and see what happens.

Love. Yeah, love is good. It's nice to be able to turn to my fiancé and know that we're together regardless how the chips fall. It's put a lot of strain on everything worrying about money and plans and such, but we're still together. If I had to go through this alone, I think I would have given up by now.

the moon and hormones

Between hormones and the full moon I'm not sure which is having more of an influence. I feel grumpy, irritable, out of touch, and apathetic. I want to go do something - but I don't care what, and my bed seems like a good place to be.

On a happier note, this year's Halloween was fantastic. Falling on a Saturday gave a lot of room for enjoyment for the whole weekend. There was drama at both events, and I'm sure not everyone had a good time, but I did and stayed away from all dramatic happenings. Key events include virginity being lost and 12 year olds puking from drunkenness. Yeah, some times things just happen at parties I guess.

I am really worried for some people very close to me, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I know how both sides of the picture are seeing the events and feelings, but it's kind of a not my business ordeal, even though I feel like it is.

As I near closer to my wedding day with each passing moment, I realize that things don't magically turn into fairy tales just because you want them to. Sometimes, things fade from a once sheeny glaze. The things we wish for are often not received. Not to say I am unhappy necessarily, just that things could be better. There could be more togetherness, we could be more in sync as we once were. Things could be brighter for our future, the world could look less grim. There could be more money and more free time, and more helping hands. There could be more employment and aspiration for greatness. There could be less apathy and more ambition. There could be less formality, and more spontaneity; less ruts and more passion. More structure without sacrificing freedom. The felt presence of a guiding hand. More faith, more truth, more love, more hope.