Why today isn't the best day ever.

Today I woke up and went to fill out some DHS paperwork that I have to get into them so we can continue to get food stamps. Since in October I made some actual money - there's a chance we might not continue getting food stamps, or get a much more reduced amount. I'm hoping I can talk our case lady into letting us keep them.... since w/o them we're totally fucked.

In addition, for some reason I'm not sure of the employment department has denied my benefits. I need to call them and figure out why, and what I can do to get them. I'm working 20 hours a week -- making LESS than my UI insurance was. It would have been better for me just to not have a job...

Our bills for the month... phone, rent, w/s/g, electric, etc. are 100.76% of John and my combined income. Which means that there is absolutely no wiggle room... None. However, even with throwing whatever else (gas, food > FS, etc.) onto credit cards (which I hate doing!) we'll still be that .76% short. Not too terribly much, but still.

John is crazy super sick. Like... death. He coughed up blood and is crazy congested. Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do except put cough drops and the like on CC and hope that he gets better.

The Mazda... well you know about that.

Debt in general. We're barely staying afloat, and a large portion of that is because of CC and car payments. Without them, all we'd have to worry about is phone/internet/tv/rent/w-s-g/electric. I tried to consolidate all of the debts (totaling close to 10k) into one loan so I could pay it off at hopefully a lower monthly payment and free up CCs for those 'just in case' moments. However, because of the amount of debt I have - and the Mazda's late payments, I was denied.... so we'll keep charging stuff on CCs to stay alive because we're spending so much on payments.... Ah, now I see why people say to avoid the mother fuckers.

I'm thinking of looking into claiming bankruptcy. Yes, it would fuck my credit for seven years, but I need to do it before John and I get married if I'm going to do it. I need to pay off car first though, because I can't get that repossessed.

Did I mention we're planning a wedding? Somehow I have a feeling that it's not going to happen. I mean, see all the above and tell me how to pull over 4k out of that? You can't. I can only hope that we get a lot more help than expected.

John still doesn't have a job. He says that he's looking and applying everywhere, but there's hardly a callback. He hasn't even been on one interview since he was laid off in April. Not one. This is rather depressing as I've had half a dozen interviews and two separate jobs since then. Stream is ramping up again - so we'll see.

To top it all off, I'm freaking out and John's telling me to have faith. Have faith that his plan will magically happen. I have faith that if we don't pay rent we'll get evicted, I have faith that if he doesn't get employed by ... next week we're fucked. He seems to think everything will be okay - but I just don't see it. So he's being an ass about me being upset, because that's helpful.

Good things? UH... right.

I have a job. It's not doing anything but fucking me over for now... but it should flip to full time soon - which will help if John gets a job too- because we'll lose some if not all of food stamps once that happens.

The check I wrote my grandparents for rent hasn't gone through yet. This is our main saving grace for making it through November. If they had cashed it when I wrote it then we'd have no money at all for any bills. With that still in the air we'll be able to make it through November... unless of course they cash it soon... In which case triple fucked. However, I can't bear to ask them not to, they're not doing too terribly hot themselves I don't think. I'll just roll with it and see what happens.

Love. Yeah, love is good. It's nice to be able to turn to my fiancé and know that we're together regardless how the chips fall. It's put a lot of strain on everything worrying about money and plans and such, but we're still together. If I had to go through this alone, I think I would have given up by now.

the moon and hormones

Between hormones and the full moon I'm not sure which is having more of an influence. I feel grumpy, irritable, out of touch, and apathetic. I want to go do something - but I don't care what, and my bed seems like a good place to be.

On a happier note, this year's Halloween was fantastic. Falling on a Saturday gave a lot of room for enjoyment for the whole weekend. There was drama at both events, and I'm sure not everyone had a good time, but I did and stayed away from all dramatic happenings. Key events include virginity being lost and 12 year olds puking from drunkenness. Yeah, some times things just happen at parties I guess.

I am really worried for some people very close to me, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I know how both sides of the picture are seeing the events and feelings, but it's kind of a not my business ordeal, even though I feel like it is.

As I near closer to my wedding day with each passing moment, I realize that things don't magically turn into fairy tales just because you want them to. Sometimes, things fade from a once sheeny glaze. The things we wish for are often not received. Not to say I am unhappy necessarily, just that things could be better. There could be more togetherness, we could be more in sync as we once were. Things could be brighter for our future, the world could look less grim. There could be more money and more free time, and more helping hands. There could be more employment and aspiration for greatness. There could be less apathy and more ambition. There could be less formality, and more spontaneity; less ruts and more passion. More structure without sacrificing freedom. The felt presence of a guiding hand. More faith, more truth, more love, more hope.

I'm not pregnant and I have a job.

Well, I peed on a stick - negative result. That's relieving, but not sure what's going on then with the sore boobs and the hormonal crazies and the constant annoying fatigue. Testing again later this month if a ness doesn't happen.

Work tomorrow begins my part time employment. This is going to be lame, because for some reason my manager didn't listen to me or something so I have a Mon.-Fri. 9:00am-1:00pm schedule. I'm also going to be making less than my prior unemployment was. Hopefully I can get some of that back though. Also, hopefully I can change to work 9:00am-6:00pm Mon-Wed. and have a wonderfully long weekend.

I'm hoping that everything will all be okay, but I'm feeling like it's just not going to be. The Mazda apparently doesn't exist anymore - the place it got towed to shut down without letting anyone know. That reminds me, I need to call the Police Department tomorrow to see what I can do with that.

I tried to get a loan with First Tech to consolidate all of the debt I've got going on, but because of the Mazda I was unable to do so. This is going to make paying for the wedding really hard. However, it appears that my grandparents are going to be helping even though they told me no way they'd be able to. This opens up a little bit more optionality for us. If they cover the location, we'll be able to do catering - which will allow us to have a lot more relaxation.

Relaxation would be nice. I've been stretched to the breaking point, and feel like my depression is starting to beat me. It's been to the point where I'm starting to feel totally deadened. Oh, there's panic, pain, worry. I did get excited while looking at wedding spots.

I think that I would be feeling a lot better if there were equal contributions coming in. I've been working 40 hours a week and John's been....? One day last week he did some laundry and picked up a little bit. However, I've been working all day for a month. His unemployment is hardly anything. In addition, he's spending ridiculous amounts of money. While I may have some debt that was before him - he's been piling on way way more debt than money he's bringing in. Makes me feel like he's taking advantage of me in a way. With the wedding to plan and so much debt in addition to the Mazda bringing us down with it we should be spending absolutely nothing and throwing anything we have into the debts. Instead, John's spending on credit cards and we're not able to pay bills. I understand not wanting to settle, but come on! I worked at Target for fuck's sake. He won't even apply to Subway or anywhere else that he doesn't think is...what? Good enough for him? I don't know. Something HAS to happen, otherwise this just isn't going to work long-term. Eventually something will break. It just will, and it doesn't matter how hard we try to keep it together.

John's reaction to the potential pregnancy was enough to tell me things aren't totally perfect. I'm freaking out - but because we don't have insurance and John doesn't have a job. John's freaking out because it means he'll "have to be an adult."

Le sigh.

I have problems

One: That I've been spamming Blogger land. My bad, it's just one of those days.
Two: I hate being told that I'm wrong when I am pretty damned sure I'm right.
Three: When someone tells me I'm wrong (and I'm pretty damned sure I'm right) I have the nearly insatiable desire to prove my case. In this situation it would be the easiest thing in the world to do, one post - March 16th was all that I would need.
Four: I really, really don't want to copy/paste or link to said post. It's not very appropriate in the netiquette sense of things, and just plain not nice in general.
Five: I really want a cigarette. I am more than half tempted to buy a pack after work.
Six: I'd be buying a drink if I was old enough to.
Seven: I really want to just climb into bed and sleep. I have prior arrangements.
Eight: It's those damned prior arrangements which started the emo-fest today in the first place.
Nine: Why was there a need for said Emo-fest? Because someone wanted to hang out with me. It seems... so trivial.
Ten: I am missing my girlfriends right now like, a lot. Az and Brit are like sisters and I could really use them to affirm that I'm not crazy - or to tell me that I am wrong and explain why - which they'd be able to do b/c they get me.
Eleven: Did I mention I'm still broke as a mother flippin' joke? Even after I get paid tomorrow, it's all gone within the week - and that's without paying Az.
Twelve: Something seems to be unraveling, and I will have no control over the matter.
Thirteen: I wish I could go back to being... 17 again. Still living at home, no worries in the world other than how to skip my AP Gov class every time and still pass.

Yeah, there's more but 13's always been my number.

I'll try and keep this short

Short post. I hope.

I didn't mean to. Well, I did. I mean - I noticed that it was hyper linked... then I got curious. He says it was over this day - her perspective is... ooh like so not close. I knew that was the case. I don't know ... I thought that by getting some insight on her, that I'd get insight on him and his notions. Well... yeah, I did. Or didn't... I don't know. I know it was not the wisest move on my part and that I didn't need any confirmation that "sentiment" between them was running high.

I went into this saying if drama of any kind went down I'd bail. Well, based on prior postings between us - if you're smart you follow us both since all my posts are to/about him damn near - drama's kind of ensued. Is ensuing? I hope not. Can't we run away to a place where no one we know can ever reach us? Where cell towers don't exist and 'teh internets' hasn't been invented yet? Where money doesn't exist and you can mow a lawn or clean a stable for room and board? I am so over the top with emotion right now... a big dash of apathy would be lovely. Not yet?





How about now? No? Well... I guess that's your prerogative. I feel a sense of vertigo, I have goosebumps, I feel like I'm swimming through a cloudy world. Le Sigh. Oh well, I have faith that ... sometime, the sentiment between them will end and that sometime I'll live to my own standards... and that sometime we'll be lying on the beach or in a field, just enjoying each other and not have to worry about former loves or insecurities and we can just exist. No money worries, no fret. Yeah. That would be divine.

I will NOT cry at work

I can understand this. It truly is a sentiment and a vision that we may have held for so long within ourselves. Once that isn't the case anymore, no matter what reality is, we can't see ourselves in something else for a while.

That's good, because it is truly only on rare occasions. The number of times I see your face in my mind, in my dreams (metaphoric and actual) far outweighs anything else. I feel like a little girl again when I am with you in this world where everything can be okay.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your insecurities in yourself control...I appreciate that you didn't go knowing this. As for not knowing how you feel...I think that's the bigger issue.

I don't have insecurities about my self control. More so my ability to control him that I would have concern for. I got to a point where I knew what he was going to do/say and what he was thinking at any given time. I don't think I have that anymore. I believe that I can derive enough of how I feel from what I want - can you?

I would be telling a lie if I said that I wouldn't be worrying...I just can't show it...I have to be secure in myself and tell myself that everything will be okay. I have faith in you.

I understand. You don't have to hide it, unless you feel you need to. You should definitely be secure in yourself. You are everything I've dreamed for thus far. Well... you're not 6'1" and you're not built like a bronzed god, and you don't have a mansion on the hill. Otherwise, perfect. (That was so meant with sarcasm and love by the way as I couldn't care less about all that as long as I have you.) Faith in me is good. I'd like a friendship with him if at all possible - and I realize that this may be exacting double standards to the place my mind went when reading the comment left by her...

I give myself over completely so that in seeing who we are as people, we can decide what's worth holding on to and what's not. It is a nomadic lifestyle I think...I don't think I've ever explained to you that I need an anchor to keep me somewhere. I've not truly experienced "home" in a while. There's the saying "Home is where your heart is." That's true for me in this case. When my heart isn't there anymore, it's time for a new home. I don't choose though...

As corny as it is, I feel the same way. While Oregon is and always will be my home, and while I love Portland with all the snuggles you can a city - I'd move anywhere you wanted to if you need to move to fulfill your dreams/destiny/desire. I hope that I can be your anchor. As for the fact you don't choose, I don't buy it.

As for me being okay with it, I sometimes question my ability to feel anything other than love..... Everything else...falls short.

Hm. I hope that you can feel other than love, and I'm sure that you do. Love and pain are not enough to sustain you as a normal, functioning individual. You'd be... well, a zombie of sorts. Perhaps you are, but I won't buy that either.

You're everything I need. In your thought of falling short here, also consider what you are doing elsewhere that is above and beyond. If you're uncomfortable with the idea here as you may be...Eliminate it.

Not sure how to interpret this... "what you are doing elsewhere that is above and beyond." "with the idea here" What exactly is that. However, you saying that I'm everything you need. I can only hope that this is the case. That's all I need to know.

We know that it can. Example: Now.

Not sure if I do have dual desires. I wish that I could incorporate him as Jack and Gabe and my other boys are in my life, but I doubt that will be possible. So, I'll see what happens. Again, I feel that there's a double standard here. Please let me know if you agree. I will do nothing if it puts unnecessary strain on you or our relationship. That is my number one and nothing will interfere. You need to be direct with me.

It saddens me to say this but no...Time doesn't really fix it. You need to face it. It might turn out where you want to be. It might turn out to be something you really don't want. In either case, you need to make up your mind right then. Walk away forever or run back with open arms.

What about your feeling of 'shadow'? I chalked it up to the fact that - it's only been a month and four days... so I mean we shouldn't really be at this point society-wise. We are however. If you believe it's something else, I'd love to hear it. In that same token, what is your feeling stemming from, then?

As for my own insecurities, I don't think I have any physical ones...Generally I think this is due to the fact that the human body means very little to me.

Well, I wasn't really talking about physical ones only in this sense. I doubt you have any in any regard. Again - you don't have a reason to. (btw 'the human body' makes you sound like you're an alien...)

You don't need to want something else more. All you need to want is something else. Period...

I want to be a teacher, I want to be a mom, I want to have a home and be able to provide my children with the world. I want to travel and explore other peoples. I want to be able to eat and continue my education. I want to have friends, and socialize. I want fresh flowers surrounding me at all times. I want pearls around my neck and diamonds on my fingers. I want to never have another period in my whole life, I want to be 21 right now, I want to be able to manipulate my own brain waves and those of other people's. Teleportation and invisibility would be awesome too. More than that, I want for you to be with me as you are now. Wow did I just melodramatic that out...but you get the idea.

I will agree that our whole situation was fucked up, so kudos to the person who pointed it out. However, it was ours and yet another journey the two of sat down and decided to embark on together. I love you for sticking by me as much as you did. You're hands down the best thing ever. I cannot comment on the rest of the statement that has me in it because you know how i feel on all of it...

only on tuesdays...<3

I don't know if it was certain pieces of this or the whole thing overall - but this struck a chord for sure. It brings in perspective how we started this whole everything... and that there are still feelings and "sentiment" between the two of you in a high amount. It is nowhere near my place to say that this isn't 'kosher' for I suppose that would make me a hypocrite. Although you've promised that you would 'eliminate' this issue/insecurity - you haven't. It doesn't bother me in so much as a friendship exists, and again, so not even my place as I told you when you said you would. I just... I don't know. Not a big deal for the long run I hope.

After reading your ness, especially with the commentary I had to fight tears and my emotions coursing through me. If you say "Hey, I'd rather you didn't" I won't. Regardless of my overall philosophy on the matter - you have every reason to make that request. If it were in a more subtle manner that this came about I doubt that you would care - as you seem secure and should be. I know that the behavior he exhibited last night was off character and more than likely indicative of less than pure intentions - conscious or otherwise. I hoping that it is otherwise, and that we can do ... what ever we do and begin to form a friendship from ground zero. I want my life to be normal, I want to make the world and all its inhabitants happy. I like to please people, to give them what they want. I often put myself at the bottom of the totem pole. I will give you what you want, within reason of course. I will not give anyone anything which would keep you from having what you want. I will not give anyone anything which would keep me from having you. So, do I want something else - yeah, I guess you could say that in that I have my own hopes, desires, and world. I hope that doesn't mean you'll cling to someone else and leave me behind.

As early and new as this relationship is...it's not in my emotional involvement. So if at any time I seem...like that girl at the party you make out with and then... well, my bad. I love you. Three words said far, far too much. Yet, the truth remains.