I'm a horrible person

If I was my friend I'd kick my ass, and someone probably should.

I am utmostly crossfaided right now. Are you kidding me. Jello shots and Larissa's killa weed for the combination of not driving capable. And totally drove to Az's and home. Fail. 

The bumping of the road filled with gorgeous lights somehow made me think of erotic poetry. To which I wrote some in the fibrous membrane of my brain, which then made me crazy horny. You will regret writing that tomorrow. I don't give a flying fuck! So anyway, yes, and that was interesting. Or rather the mental connotation displayed through the optical lobe to my mind's eye was of interesting merit and/or note.

I really shouldn't get stoned where there are people who I find annoying sober there. It makes me want to hurt them badly. Also, I am super analytical of everyone and shouldn't be around people unless they are as chillaxed as I am. Probably best to stick to people in general. Oh what do you know? Actually Danielle seems like she was in my mindset. Possibly. The clock just donged twice but it's totally day light whatever times! Oops. I should be sleepin. 

Instead I'm going to enjoy this amazing high, I better get something out of  being a fucktard. Except for the fact that I don't have a lock on my door and there's someone wandering in the general living area and I don't know who it is! Eep!

Degenerate Fuck. Yeah, probably. With the average of like... 3hrs/night for the past couple nights you shouldn't have even drank at all and peaced out early. Yes, definitely. Fuck, at first the double thing was a playful writing tactic - now I'm doing it again w/o realizing it. You simpleton! 

I . . . worry about, am confused regarding, forget about, dislike, love like a sister, grr at, laugh at, am managed by, am amused by, fuck if i know, girl crushed on, adore, am slightly indifferent to, used to be physically attracted to, update to, wanted to fuck in the past, live with, admire, am going to miss like crazy, date, want to murder, miss less than expected, used to know, love, used to adore, was managed by, crushin on possibly, used to love, have a present from, pixilate with, am perplexed on, am envious of, am creeped out by, am bemused by, wish I knew more of, am flattered by, haven't talked to in forever, hung out with, made happy by, owe a game to, lived with, phailed with, am e-stalked by, am soul sisters with, used to crush on, tweet to, and pray for YOU!

Wow, that will only make sense to me. Yay! I don't remember now - but my phone does. My hands are blue with indigo. 

Hm, maybe I will attempt to write a horny poem before I turn in the light, maybe not. I haven't decided yet...

Hugs, kisses, and wishes for the morrow.

Steph

Frued.

Work, the essential part of life. Sitting here bored out of my mind, I could be doing far worse things for 11.25 an hour I suppose...

Freudian slip fail. Wow, I am only glad that it didn't occur any earlier, or else things could have gotten quite interestingly awkward.

You're no longer and objective outpost. I feel like I am faking quite well. Totally trying to rationalize things I think just made me dwell on them, so fuck it all in complete succession. Sure, that should work. My 'fuck it/them' mentality hasn't failed me yet, although it has failed some other people. Oh well, not my fault that the mental capacity of my semi-coworkers doesn't match mine. Wow, that was unbelievably conceited. You're right, I don't want to sound like dinner here!

I'm not really into the whole "basketball" thing, not to mention other complications. In addition, I really do think I'll probably rationalize it away as being said basketball thing in a short while. It may be my drunken cuddle fest instilled in you an association. Classical conditioning ftw...or lose rather. You had just said it, and the alliteration with who you were speaking with... Totally. However, there's probably some analyzation to be said about the fact that I am like obsessingly obsessing and analyzing myself over it. In that case, wouldn't my 'let's write it off as irrationality' mindset totally stop me from said analyzing?

Yes, but if it was someone more available you wouldn't be irrationalizing it. I probably would, actually, but less. In any event there are complications which prevent us from exploring, and it's such a tiny insy winsy bit that it's not even worth it anyway even if all doors were open - although I find it growing. Power of suggestion? Yes, that's it! Tyler and Drew both said it, and I'm so done with aloneness that I'm grabbing at straws.

There's someone else that you don't need power of suggestion for you know. Yes, I do, but the overtness and lack of anything common and... I am rather shallow for the most part. I mean, come on, they have to at least be average. True, true. And, you're failing your boycott. I am failing, but it's not like he's responding back! Doesn't matter, you'd be willing still to - No, not really. We've already had this conversation before, remember? He has so much growing up to do. I need someone...more... multifaceted. Crazy like you, you mean? No, artistic and romantic like me. A little crazy, but... in a good way.

Fuck it. I agree! I knew I'd win you over.

details and things

I don't actually remember very many details. I know that cuddling between Nate and John was oddly comforting, and that John's hair smelled good. I know all of the things in my prior post. There were movies and nom food. People hitting on me, and marking their territory or something. For those people that were my wonderful cock blockers, love! Drinking and not vomiting. Staying up talking -for hours, and hours, and then some - about random things and giggling like school girls. Or I giggled like one at least. Hugs and nuggles. Sleeping for a half an hour and then eating french toast before going to work and downing some Viso. I honestly cannot express with the English or any other language the plethora of emotions and love and confusion that passed over me in these past 24 hours. Since this is life behind the mask, there is no mask. I am confused by the things I feel and my extreme need to rationalize them and ride them off. Granted, it more than likely is irrationality - and the mild bonding over such things isn't a great foundation for anything, really. Not like anything would exist for a substantial amount of time anyway. I am still broken and jaded. I am however, feeling... different about things. Like - beginning to realize that it's really over between Clint and I. It hurts - a lot, but it's kind of liberating in the same respect. I can really do, see, be, whatever, whomever, wherever I want. I can find a guy -- eventually --who can love and accept me just as I am, and understand my oddness and gaiety.

At the moment, I'm going to drink each day the best I can, I hope it tastes sweet. I am going to love those around me that surround me with their love. I am going to devote myself to me, and in doing so, those that I love will benefit (I think that's how it works, right?). I will do my best to be honest, to be open, to be loyal, and to be kind. I will do my best to be your friend, your confidant, your crying shoulder. I will always be there for a hug... as long as you don't creep me out too much. :-P 

Smiles and sunshine to all who are here or have come to pass,

Stephanie M. Lukas

How I love you all my darlings

The past two days have been... so much fun! Kung-fu movie night was an epic success. Thank you dear Chue for that loverly idea. I honestly feel blessed to have people in my life that I can spend so many hours straight with and have a blast the entire time. 33 hours I spent straight with Az, Nate, and John. Well...not entirely straight, but damn near. The party was so much fun and drunk and groping it was fantastic. I thought, since I'm in a I love everyone mood I'd tell you all how I feel, or something, in brief -- or long if I feel like it. I really realized how lucky I am during the festivities, so I'll keep it contained to the people therein for simplification purposes. Yes, I can roll like that, it's my blog a'ight?

Az: Darling Azurell! You are such an amazing person. Quirky and fun and spunky. And you totally make me feel better with all the drama. I honestly never really thought that we would be as close as I consider us, but I so amazingly lucky to have you in my life. I feel like I can tell you absolutely anything about myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my everything. It just seems like you get it, or at the very least, you're not going to judge me for it. You are so amazingly talented I feel wittle next to you sometimes. You can draw, knit, sew, and write and everything - I wish you had more confidence in yourself so you could fully bring that talent to the world, we'd all be better for it. If you do end up moving, I will miss you so very much! You're rockstar #1

Tyler: Holy crap, love! You so aren't going to read this more than likely, but that's okay we'll convert you to twitter or something soon enough. Your passion that was ignited by punch n pi totally awestruck me. It really does amaze me the talent that can be found in our team. You're like killer funny, and like crazy smart. Maybe it was lack of Stream walls or presence of alcohol but you were like way super chill and amazing. Must join in more festivities!

Chue: Teehee Chue! You were so kung-fu fighting ... nothing, in the yard. Push ups or something. Hard fucking core. You were totally the inspiration for the funness and the love that went down. You're always so quiet and reserved, we totally need to thief you into more fun times as well b/c you totally rock my socks meng.

Scoot (opotumus) -- (Can't spell) Scoot, you're like for realzies cool. You totally can bring me out of my deepest emo pit, and somehow know just when I'm in a shallow pool or crazy deep well of emotion. With the hardcore drum rocking and the uber geekness, you're like wildly crazy. Scoot hugs are some of the best hugs and you always smell like fruit! Oh.. I mean... I totally hate you.. and your face - teehee. 

John - Dude, John I totally can tell you anything and feel like I can trust you like ... with my life or something, which is kind of weird. There's some sort of like...commonality or something that I totally get with the most random people it seems. Kindred spirit, but not at all. Az is totally one of those people too. Your randomness and openness, yet hesitation to really reveal anything is crazy intriguing and slightly aggravating. I totally want to open up your brain and throw it on a film reel. You totally live way out in the g to the etto but that's okay b/c I'll get you west side soon enough, somehow! 

N8 - You're totally off the wall my dear. Sometimes you're all shy little geek and other times you're like I'm going to grab your butt because I can. Although... how many times were you, and how many times were Az I'm not quite sure... You've introduced me to so many odd, fun, weird, and exciting things it's pretty epic. *cough* I'm wearing a shirt off woot.com atm. *cough* I would have not a clue as to twitter, woot, rick rolling, like anything without you. You give the best hugs and have just the right touch of emo in ya. Unless you get overly emo, but that's okay b/c then you're like me! Your flowchart made my day

Ike - You kind of hid away, but you totally deserve a block of text to you as well. I was totally expecting something different you being N8's twin and all, but you're totally your own unique awesomeness. Your film and such skills and knowledge are rad, and you're just so damn chill and relaxed it's totally no stress around you. Look forward to getting to know you more.

Mouse - Bow to the geekness that is mouse. Yay for the power of reformatting and crazy cool computer cases. You welcomed me to level three geekdom and opened my eyes to what I already knew but didn't know that I knew about all things geeky. And you took care of me when I vomited, and what's more friendship than that?

Colby - Wow, so as being the first time we hung out on an extend basis, love! You cock blocked the appropriate cocks and cuddled and totally made me feel awesome sauce. I totally see why everyone is in love with you up in these neck of the woods! You're silly and adorable and all sorts of fun. Too bad we won't really get to be like awesome sauce because you live in North Hollywood and all, but whenever you're here I hope we get to chill b/c it was awesomeness.

I love you all! And if there are grammatical errors, like me starting this sentence with and, I'm working with under an hour of sleep so you can suck it.

Hugs and kisses,

Smile and sunshine,

Stephie

It's the fourth of March

Today wasn't all bad. There were some genuinely good moments, which, honestly has been hard for me lately.

Biology Lab. I have 102.6% yeah, not much to complain about there. We got a study group together to study for our Bio Lecture Final which is coming up sooner than I'd like to think about. Also coming up sooner than I'd like: English Final Essay of mass, and Speech Final Speech of persuasion. 

The study group girls invited me to lunch, to which I declined since Clint had made plans with me. Turns out his plans included his girlfriend, and not me or something. Asshole. Went to a fairly cool lunch with study group girls. They both are in long term relationships. That hurt a little.

When I got home I dinked off for a bit and took a nap. When I woke up I called Clint and then went over to his apartment. Merrick is actually a cat now, so that's a plus. The apartment is absolutely disgustingly dirty. I mean, WWIII times wow. However, hanging out with my kitties and just chatting was pretty lovely. God I miss the good times we had!

He got called into work early, but sort of lost track of time speaking with such a lovely character as myself and was running late. I went to his dad's house to let out Jib (the dog). I probably shouln't have, but, I love his dad - and Jib is awesome, so ... eh?

I am getting stressed out about my Speech assignment! It's a 7-9 minute speech trying to persuade the class to do something. I am going to persuade them to read to children. It is something everyone should do, and I'm sure there's data to back me up. There is, right? I sure hope so.

Also stressing me out: Money, School in general, choosing which school to go to in the fall, job, home for kitties if Clint doesn't take them, the kitties' overall well being, finding a place to live myself. Then the general I still love Clint and want him back thing. Well, I don't want him back - the him he is now. I'd like the him I had like.. a year ago would be perfect, but I'd settle for 6 months ago. Oh, and the dying alone and that all my friends hate me, but what else is new?

choosing fabric is hard.

Emo emo emo emo emo. Yes, I have been very much so emo. But, I'm trying to break that habit of self loathing and pessimistic views. It's been an uphill battle that I am sort of, kind of, losing.

However, I get a text that's all *hugs* and it makes me feel better.

Then, I realize I had a pretty alright day, minus Jack bailing on me.

I really have found some pretty chill people that don't complete hate me, I think. Today I woke up and ate some quinoa, a sort of grain-y type food Jack introduced me to. It is nom, with a bit of honey. After some serious lounging I fixed myself up into a semblance of prettiness and headed over to Az's. After a quick measurement of my body, yes literally, the nipple to nipple was quite interesting we jaunted over to a fabric store. Just so happens, they don't work Mondays. I've known quite a few places that are closed only on Mondays, it always befuddles me.

So we jaunt further down the road (*waves to giant spinning stake*) and walked into this GIANT warehouse of love, er fabric. After much, much, indecisiveness I picked out two fabulous fabrics for my corset. I am so indecisive the corset is going to be reversible like.

I'm kind of worried about the texture of the inner layer, the fabric's a bit rough. I think it'll be okay though. I am really excited about having a corset fitted to me! I'll be .. lookin' fly in da club, or something.

Some delicious greasy McDonald's goodness and I took my loverly seamstress back to her place of residence. Mind you, I was 'careful' to appease my grandmother's worries about me being in "the ghetto" of 16th Ave. She's...yes.

Then I had a mini Chuck marathon at home whilst chatting with various personas. Good times. Chuck is a pretty awesome show actually. I so should be sleeping, but I'm kind of anti-sleep, pro-internet these days. Pretty degenerate.

Anyway, life sucks... but, it's not that bad, you know? I just hope that the things I see are actualities. That when I'm gone the chatter doesn't turn to my idiosyncrasies or my faults. I am so paranoid about those types of things, it's slightly ridiculous.

I can write a blog!

So, I realized that I haven't been keeping my journal up to date. It's actually sitting underneath my lamp, which sits on top of my table...which is at the apartment Clint and I once shared. That whole real life pen and paper thing is awesome, but not very transferable.

I was reading Az's blog andtachos and realized, fuck. Not only can a blog be ridiculously entertaining, putting your feelings out there in more than just 140 characters can be a very cleansing thing. Or healing, or... whatever term you choose to use there to represent good.

There's been so much drama in my life lately which I've just kind of been leaking out to whoever would listen. I've probably alienated most of the people I call friends, and yet I don't think the drama train is stopping any time soon. I can't believe that Clint and I have been broken up for two months already. It feels like just yesterday I was able to wake up beside him in the morning and cuddle and get kisses. Having someone to be there, just...exist is so absolutely amazing and I am so broken without it.

I can't help but blame myself, even though I know I shouldn't. I think, maybe...just maybe. If I hadn't been pressuring the marriage thing, if I'd just taken a 'We'll see what happens.' attitude, that we'd still be together. I'm only 20 years old for fucks sake. Sure, we'd been together for 4 years, but I wasn't really ready for all that marriage stuff, was I?

He's still the one that I want to be with, even after everything he's done to me. I don't think that I could be with him now. He flat out doesn't deserve me. That's such a lie, but I hope that I'd make him work for it. I'm not something to toss around and leave at the wayside. I'm totally making up words, aren't I?

Either way, I'm laying here in bed, now crying my eyes out, and it's getting late. I'll be sure to keep in touch with my...self I guess. Non-existent readers, good night.