So many things have been flowing around me lately, it feels I haven't had the chance to breathe in ages.
I feel small, I feel weak. I feel like the world is surrounding me only to rip me into shreds.
I cannot believe how amazing the late spring air has tasted and felt on my skin this past week. The sun waving farewell later and later each night, until soon I will be up too late just to watch it sink behind the hills.
Drinking too much, letting my head fill with notions of importance and delusions of grandeur. I think that's a more fitting name than life behind the mask these days. I haven't really let any one into my darkened chambers in a while. It's much safer that way... I scream out every once and a while - but I think that in my trying to be what you want me to be - it's usually just a whimper.
How can I say I'm terrified without you hearing I want out? How can I reclaim the way my heart used to feel without the world seeing me reach for the past? I wasn't always broken. These jaded eyes once were a clear and open blue. I used to stay out all night in the back of the Scout with the top off staring at the stars until they turned into sunlight. I used to lay on a porch in a sleeping bag and watch the bats dance as they found their fleeting prey. We would plan our futures as only children can, and never knew how it would end.
I fear that history repeats itself, that for every wonderful moment in time there will be five to make you want to cease existing. I want to capture each wonderful moment without the bitter taste they now leave in my mouth.
Since my life ending heartbreak, I haven't been whole. It's not fair to you that I am this way - but I suppose it's only natural. So you ask me - which moments are sweeter? The ones before I was crushed into a million pieces, or the ones after? I don't know what to say other than I know how those moments end. I know that all those wonderful times were all for naught. That all they brought to me were tear-filled eyes and a new perspective. Yet, they do taste sweeter. Time perhaps blurs the negativity that may have existed, perhaps it was youthful eyes that hoped for a brighter future. I don't know.
I crave for that magic again. That feeling like nothing can ever beat me down because I'm me. I long to feel the sun's rays wrap around my heart and know that all is right in my world. I want to feel you like I've never felt you before. I want to consume you in all that you are until I've had my fill. I want... I want to feel. Not nervousness, nor apprehension. Not worry, or fear, or confusion. Just... feel.
Feel the world in all its glory. Feel what I see, touch, and taste in my core. Feel love all around me, coursing through me - feel content, feel at ease. No more planning, no more schedule, no to do lists. I want to be able to kiss the morning as her eyes meet mine. I want to fall from the star light into ethereal clouds of tranquility.
I want to run free through fields of flowers, twirling in the breeze. I want to dance in an ocean of bubbles underneath a giant oak tree. I want... to be free.
I want to bare a child into this world, and teach her the ways of the goddess and the cross. I want to connect with my inner witch without offending my Christian half. I want to blend the world into a perfection that has never been seen. I want to feel what it's like to carry life into this world. To be the vessel of perfection. I want to take that gift to the world and see it grow and flourish with freedom and love as its companions.
I want to care for you, as you've never been cared for. I want to wipe your brow from the grime the world has imparted there. I want to show you compassion, mercy, and forgiveness. I want to show you passion, freedom, and the wild beating of my heart. I want to be your gatherer in a world full of convenience. Hunt for me?
I want to return to our roots - to abolish modern establishments down to the barest of infrastructures. I want to see bronzed limbs toned with work and glistening in the sun. I want flowers in my hair and grass beneath my toes. I want a warm ocean to swim in and a cool shade to lie in.
I want all these things I cannot have. In this age I was never meant to be. So have patience as I struggle through time to make my way to the 21st century. Do not fear me, nor my fickle heart. I will mend again - there is really no alternative. Keep in mind through every day that I have never seen our relationship as a trap nor inescapable bindings. I know, everyday, there is a choice. A choice to continue or to depart. I continue, and I promise you I will keep continuing as long as I am able. You are mine forever, as I am yours. Please don't take this for granted.