Sunday, August 30, 2009

there's a wedding blog.

I've made a wedding blog!

I am addicted to blogs.
I tend to write a lot.
You don't have to read all my wedding garbage unless you want to, but can still read my other garbage.

I will do my best to keep wedding stuff off here, and life stuff off the wedding one.

Yay organization!

New blog can be found:

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I'm engaged

Apparently my snooping and finding out about the engagement didn't frustrate the desire, merely the operation. Today I jumped in the shower and was just standing under the facet getting toasty when in jumps John. Nothing out of the ordinary there, we actually have taken to showering together more than apart, just in case you needed that tid bit of information.

John hugs me and is all smoochy and such (yay love!). Then he said...something, I honestly don't remember now what that something was and holds up the ring in both his hands and asks. In case you couldn't tell from prior posts and things, I said yes.

I'm like *squee* *dance* *jumps* and then more little happy actions in happy little asterisks.

The ring needs to be sized because I have tiny midget hands, and should be ready by 9/9/9. Coolness.

I am now officially the future Mrs. Johnathan Addison.


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

it's been 5 months, Oh these violent delights.

So it's been five months now (and three days, but who's counting?). There have been a lot of confusing, agonizing, and doubtful moments during the past month. Emily it seems is still an issue. I can't help but be curious, especially when Brittany reads her blog and randomly informs me that there's a post which makes sense to be about John or I or the both of us. Today was such a time and on the cusp of me being sure I heard John say "I love you Emily" instead of "I love you Stephanie" I was not in a super open minded mood. So the posts do seem to fit John and myself for the vast majority, but all I have to take is his word as no names are given.

It appears that John does indeed have a job at Fry's, or will very shortly. This is super good news. We'll up our income and maybe be able to crawl out of debt and poverty and fly happily along. As for Target, well, I'm not exactly thrilled to be working there. It seems like once I learn how to use all the equipment then it'll be cake. Not easy, necessarily on the standing on the feet forever and getting all nasty part of things, but on the here make this look pretty a monkey could do this part of things.

Latest drama? Engagement. John was being super suspicious, and I voiced these suspicions to Brittany. She agreed with them and we went about our giddy way. After some bra shopping to celebrate Brittany and I now having the exact same boobular size, we headed to the grandparents. Suspicions were shared with them as well. They were happy and such, and then someone - I don't remember who - said I could just check. So, me ... being the girl that I am did. Hurray, suspicions confirmed! Then speaking to John on the phone letting him know what was up, he was like "So the card company might call to verify a charge" which duh gave it away. So I was like, yeah, I know. (Yes I am aware of the fail.) So then John feels like everything in the world fails and it doesn't matter anymore and all this jazz. He's upset and says that it won't be special or a surprise and tells me his whole plan he had (which would have been awesome). So then he's saying that now he's not going to ask my grandpa, or anything, and he doesn't even know if he's going to do it any time soon. Fail.

Although, I did tell him a few months back he had to wait until we'd been dating for 9 months before doing that anyway - and that a year would be just about perfect. Was this more for societal and friendship approval, or my own? I'm not really sure on that matter to be honest. When you know that you've met the one for you, then you know. If it happens only with a short amount of time, then it does. I've always been one to say that if you know you want to be with them forever, then propose, what's the use in waiting. If you feel the need to wait to get married, that's fine.

Then again, Clint and I were engaged and look how that turned out. I truly believed that we'd be together always, and now I wouldn't trade Johnathan for anything. So... love is stupid and always confusing. You knew that already, didn't you?

I know very few things. I cannot foresee the future with John, and that bothers him. I know what I want to have happen based on the current circumstances we are in, and that is it. I am not a mind reader, a fortune teller. I am not a saint. I am simply a girl floating through the world.

And just because.... Excerpt from Romeo and Juliet.

Amen, amen! but come what sorrow can,
It cannot countervail the exchange of joy
That one short minute gives me in her sight:
Do thou but close our hands with holy words,
Then love-devouring death do what he dare;
It is enough I may but call her mine.

These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume: the sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness
And in the taste confounds the appetite:
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Brittany is bored... you all get an update on my life as of late.

There's been tons of irregular sleeping/eating patterns happening, which isn't too terribly bad since there's no work or anything going on. I do feel super lame when I wake up at 4pm though. Tomorrow - or rather later today I'll need to be up because I'm going to hang out with the lovely Azurell. God, I'm such a twitter addict, I almost wrote @azurell instead. My bad.

So the Clint issue kind of hit full force the past couple days. I was supposed to go to lunch with him, but John mentioned that it would make him uncomfortable and lead to the end of the relationship. So, I told Clint that I wouldn't be able to hang out at that time, of for anytime soon. Clint was super hurt by this and so we had some text and e-mail conversations about it. He said a lot of things that I had been waiting to hear. How he was sorry, that he messed up and hopes to have me in his life in at least some way. He was upset that I chose John over him, which...come on, how could you not?

Eventually he called me and we ended up talking for almost two hours. We talked about the issues that we had. I said my peace about everything. I cried, he cried. Closure. I feel horrible that I have to cut him out of my life, but I guess there is still the internet and telephone and such. He will always be a part of my life, he was too integral to disappear forever.

I understand how John feels in a way. True, I wanted him and Emily to stay friends but merely cut out the inappropriateness -- but he ended up having to end the relationship to do so... or she did. I'm not really sure. He did remove her from the social networking sites and she doesn't have his new phone number... However, I did find out that he randomly remote desktops into her PC. Can you say not okay? So very not okay. That's creepy to the extreme for one, for two -- he needs to get over her. He hasn't yet, and that's okay...but he needs to.

I'm not sure where John stands now with the Clint situation. He realized that I feel bad about the situation, I think he assumed that I wouldn't care. He said that he was stepping out of the situation and for me to do what I thought best. Which is... I have no idea. I don't want there to be any resentment between us, and I don't want there to be double standards either.


Unemployment has got to be the worst thing. I haven't not had a job since I was 15, and now there's just this huge emptiness. This lack of contributing to anything more than myself, it's just, I don't like it. That and money is kind of important to functioning. Food stamps and UI help, but they definitely do not make up for full time employment. I've had a couple interviews and such, but rejection after rejection. It's kind of lame. I know that I could do the job, and better than the majority of people out there. Whatever.


I feel like a child who got dropped into this body. I have these grownup concerns, feelings and desires but no way of dealing with them accordingly. Everything is terrifying and I feel like any day I'm going to wake up to find the hollow shells of all this blown away. John mentioned something about putting on a face, and I think the truth is - every single one of us feel like we put on a face for other people. I don't know why - but we do. Whether or not there is one there or not, well, that's up to the individual. I think in a lot of cases it's just the divide between who you are and who you wish you were that causes that feeling. You don't want to admit who you really are. Either that, or I'm just rambling. I feel the same way, like the world can't see the true me. I tried to start this blog to remove the outer layers, I'm trying to be real and honest. I am concerned that John will either be who I know him to be, but change for some reason - or that he really is hiding behind something. There are a lot of things that I don't agree with him on a lot of things, and his past before me seems like mistake after mistake - poor judgement calls lined up in a row. I don't know...not everything, but... a lot. Anyway...

That should be enough reading for anyone. If it doesn't make sense - tough. I was listening to music and that takes my brain away from my fingers so they kind of do what they want.