Sunday, June 28, 2009

Emotional infidelity and impasses

Well, here we are. I offered the bit of realization that we won't ever be content unless we stop talking to our exes to John and he refused. Not before trying to barter with other people in my life of course. I came to him and said that I wanted to make a deal – I stop all communication beyond necessity with Clint if he returned the favor with Emily. He told me that it wasn't a deal because he didn't care about Clint. Of course this made me want to explode with anger, call Clint and go out with him to dinner or something, because as much as John would like to say Clint doesn't bother him, I know otherwise. Rather than John taking that as an obvious sign of my distress he instead tried to tell me he'd cut Emily out if I cut out Shawnta, or Danielle. I guess I should have made that deal with Danielle since I haven't talked to her in ages and doubt I will. Some ties were stronger to the workplace than to the people I suppose, as much as I enjoy her company. Well, I suppose the communication between them existing wasn't really the problem anyway, not nearly as much as the type. So, I pleaded with him that he should keep talking with her, they are friends after all, but to keep the topics and such to a friendly and platonic level. Which, apparently is impossible between them – but I was trying. Anyway, he completely refuses. Not only does he completely refuse, but he makes up some bullshit about how if he never said he loved her than he'd be lying, and I don't want to date a liar, do I? So we counter back and forth and reach this complete impasse. I don't want him to say he loves her because he shouldn't express that love for an ex, even if he loves her more than myself. He refuses to stop saying he loves her because he feels it would be lying if she said she loved him and he ignored it. To me, this seems like the biggest fallacy I've ever heard of. You can love someone all you like and not tell them, it doesn't mean that you are lying. The level of inappropriateness between the two of them coupled with his fortitude and resolve to stand his ground to continue the level of such – hurt more than I think he'll ever know. Instead of talking with me about the situation, he turns to her. What. A. Surprise. So while I'm trying to converse with him about our issues, he's texting her. Which, based on the level of conversation that we were having was... oh I don't know, the worst thing he could have possibly done. After a bit, I leave the room astonished and hurt beyond all reason that he'd continue to do so. I'm sitting there, laying or whichever, crying and pouring my heart out to him and he's texting her. So I leave, go sit in the living room, pet Kitty and converse with him about the situation. So yes, I'm a crazy cat lady to an extent I suppose, but it helps to talk out loud to someone who can't break your heart. After a while I'm just sitting there brewing and getting worse and worse in my own mind so I go back into the bedroom and express this to John who kind of angrily says 'don't worry that was the last message I'm going to send.' So in my mind I'm thinking, thank goodness, it's over. I don't have to worry about all the insecurities, I don't have to worry about my boyfriend whom I love deeper and more than anyone ever before telling his ex girlfriend that he loves her –or telling her anything at all. I don't have to worry about every time we get in a fight or disagreement him running to her like he had been. Thank goodness, right? Yeah... I was wrong. I suppose that when things occur that seem beneficial to you, you should probably be skeptical, right? Because no one will ever love you. No one will ever truly put you above all others. No one will ever really be that rock you need to hold you up and never let you fall. I guess, sometime you just need to grow up and realize that nothing will ever be like it is in fairy-tales and movies. Well, in my naiveté I thought that it was. So I continued the night as such, and we had some good conversation about his school days and fights and things. Eventually I expressed to him how much he means to me. . . and he ignored it. So, according to his prior beliefs, that would mean he didn't feel the same. So there I am, heartbroken again. At least this time it's over something – which though devastating – is reasonable. At that point, it hadn't even been three months, so me telling him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and that I've never been more in love with anyone as I am with him and that he completes me or whatever, well, it could be too much to take in. So, I let it go and we go to sleep. The next day, we're watching a movie and I start to come on to him and he asks me what's up, what made me happy? So I tell him that since we don't have to worry about any of our past issues that we can move forward and be happy together. So he's confused and we realize the misunderstanding and the argument heats up once more. Eventually I give him an ultimatum, not one saying to choose me or her, or that she goes or I do... no, I would have lost him completely and utterly had I made that my stand. The stand I choose was me or telling her he loves her. I lost that stand. I've been hurt before, by … damn near everyone I've ever met I've been hurt. Perhaps I'm too sensitive and fragile, perhaps the world is simply full of fools, perhaps I have poor taste in guys or friends, or family. No one has ever picked something so trivial over me. My mom picked my dad over me, Jack picked Caitlin over me, Clint picked Jaime over me...and now, now I wasn't getting second place to a person even, I mean yes --- but not in the strictest sense. I was simply being added to the list of someone else's wants and desires, but not in first place where I longed to be. He quoted his morals, his core values of honesty. The bullshit that he still sticks to. Saying that when someone says they love you, they mean it as a question of “Do you love me?” So that not responding with yes, I love you too, would be to say no, I do not. Well, if it helps him sleep at night he can tell himself whatever crackpot of bullshit he likes, but.... let's carry on, shall we? I was crushed beyond crushing, broken beyond anything. I had made me stand, and figured odds were in my favor. After all the bull he'd fed me about me being his primary, the one for him, perfect, how he loved me so much – all of it pointless and nullified. Yet, in my own stubbornness and devotion to him, I couldn't keep up with my threats just then. I couldn't stand to have our relationship fail. I didn't know what to do, or where to turn. I thought of everything I could, every plea I could contrive, the multiple perspectives of the scenario all leading to one thing (assuming he'd been honest with me, that is) of him saying okay to my request. I begged with all my might, and still he remained resolute. I was further devastated by my own lack of control and poise in combination by continuous refusals by the man I love. I contacted Emily, explaining the situation and hoping that she would understand. Well, whether she did or not, she not only said she'd stop with the more than platonic affections, but that she'd drop out of his, our, life completely. Not at all what I wanted, but the best I could get I suppose. I was ridiculously disappointed at costing him a friend, but thought that at least our problems were solved.

Except that... it's not solved. It's like... a band aid for a bullet wound. Well, maybe like... some gauze and tape, but no stitches... oh I'm not good at metaphors apparently, but it's like this. . . The cause of our issues is gone, yes, but he should have wanted it to be gone. He shouldn't have been telling his ex that he loved her in the first place – not once I was his girlfriend at least. As he was, my request should have been met and complied with instantaneously, without qualms or fights. It should have gone like this... “Okay, I have a deal, I cut Clint completely out of my life, and you do the same for Emily.” “Well, I will if you want – but I'd rather not.” “Okay, well, at least don't tell you that you love her anymore?” “That I can do.” “Thank you.”

Or, something more poetic like... or not, but whatever. The gist of it is there. Instead there's this lingering in the back of my mind. Rather than rid me of insecurities as was the 'plan' I'm riddled with more now than before. When I don't ponder and reflect, everything is wonderful. He is and will remain the love of my life and the one I want to be with. He's still the same sweet, funny, considerate, amazing person as he was before and my love for him is unaffected by his transgressions against our relationship. I feel my heart overflow when I look at him, I long for the touch of his skin and would gladly spend the rest of my life with him in commitment today if I knew he felt the same for me as I do for him. The day that he feels like I am his best friend, the only lover he'll ever need, the light of his life, the person he loves above all others past and present and someone that completes his world...that will be the day I will walk with him into the courthouse and sign all the documents to make it official. Of course, I'd much rather have him just propose on the day he realizes that I am these things to him and, like, actually do it proper style --- or as proper as I can manage. I'm beginning to realize that some traditions just won't hold for me. Would it be so wrong for John and I to walk each other down the aisle? Probably. Eh, whatever. Well, we've pretty much been doing the same ol' same. No jobs, no money, no prospects in life. Living off of faith and love and trying to survive. Everything would be perfect between us, except for the lingering doubt I have because he wouldn't not tell her he loves her. If he had agreed when I asked, I'm not sure if anything would outwardly be different than it is now...but inwardly, very much so. I wouldn't doubt that he loves me above all other lovers he's been with, or people he meets. I feel like I will never be good enough for him. That he will always hold on to past relationships for comparison, and that I may meet them, but will never beat them. I feel like I will never be the person he can say he loved more than any other person he'd ever met. I will never be the person that swept him off his feet and kept him there like others failed to do.

What's worse, I think, than that? I know this, that I will never be more in his mind than any past love, and still as long as he considered me his best friend and would remain faithful to me – I'd still marry him. Even though that would mean that his soul mate is still out there somewhere, even if it kept him from ever meeting her. While in most cases I wish John the best, and would give up my own happiness to make him happy – on this point I am sure I would fail in my moral resolve. To keep him in my life I would forsake him the love of his. That sounds ridiculously messed up now that I've written it down, but...that's just how it is.

So, while I do not forgive him – I do my best to forget. Maybe someday I will forgive him. The more probable case is I simply stop caring about Emily and that he chose her, because he has been with me long enough for it to be mute. That isn't now, and I don't think it will be soon, but I do think that it will be someday. I hope I can forget how he made me feel, that he broke my heart while swearing to protect it. I hope I can forget how he told me that he will be mine as long as I want nothing and no one more than him – and was a hypocrite to his own beliefs. Where's the moral code in that? I'd give up a lot of interactions with others, regardless of how I felt about them rather than be a hypocrite like that on a matter of utmost importance to the person I was supposed to be dedicated to.

There I go again. Raw wounds still, though time has passed enough for him to have forgotten. I hope they do not remain raw too much longer, for they pain me so.

Friday, June 19, 2009

I wish that tuesday just wasn't.

So I've come to a resolution that I need to write daily, or as close to it as I can. With all the stress that I've been under lately it'd by good to clear my head with some words on a page. So, here's today...

Brittany's sister sent me a text to let me know that Brittany was in town, which is always a great surprise. John and I went to try and get food stamps and got an appointment for 1:30 on Monday. Even if food stamps covers the entire cost of our food monthly, ~$300, we're still looking at needing an additional 500 to make ends meet. Where this is going to come from, I'm not entirely sure. I feel like I've been a drag to the world around me because of the money situation. There is hardly ever good news to report, and I have to turn down so many things. I want to go into Portland, walk the water, soak in Saturday Market – but I don't have the money to even buy Max tickets. Of course I could always free ride like I did as a kid, but they've kind of upped the...patrols or what have you these days.

John and I went to hang out with Brittany, good just to...hang out with someone, you know? Someone who understands me, and reasons with me and … is me. A little, tiny me. I felt extremely bad for John though. I mean there we were reminiscing and what have you and he's completely and utterly lost. He doesn't know the places or people we're talking about. Oaks Park, the know the past experiences Brittany and I have. We've known each other since the sixth grade, and here I am finishing the 14th, well... technically it's year 15. So...that's 9 years, more than. History. John went..somewhere with Zach and Brittany and I were talking and such. I showed her a picture on John's phone and then we scrolled through the rest and I made some snarky comment about how I must be looking at some other directory than the one John scrolls through because there's no Emily. I posted something in the online format about her sending John inappropriate messages and such and Brittany asked about it. John's said over and over that I'm more than welcome to look at anything so I brought up the texts between them to show to her – as I've seen them per John big deal. Well apparently although he just dismissed the messages with me present, he replied to them later. So there's these replies with him telling her he loves her, and is glad that his belongings bring her comfort and that fucking retarded only on tuesdays bullshit. So there I am completely and utterly embarrassed, because I'm supposed to be showing my best friend how fucked up his ex-girlfriend is and why I am having these issues and instead I'm having to show her my boyfriend, who's supposed to be all about me and not someone else...being about someone else. If she wasn't in Virginia I think that I would have left. . . or, something. As is, I just talked to Brittany about it to get her perspective. She calmed me down a little bit, but did agree that it's kind of fucked up. So I talked to him about it. Again. For the I don't know how many times we've had this conversation. You don't lead on your ex-girlfriend, you don't tell her you love her, you don't recite former pet names or sayings. You just don't! He just kind of went, oh.... As much as I love him, I can't deal with it. I want him to want me, and no other. If he still has feelings for her I can't be with him. If he's going to lead her on like he has feelings for her, I can't...I won't....

I don't know how I ever thought about marrying Clint when I think about John. I feel like my future is with him, that as long as I have him everything will be... okay. I love him completely and more than anyone else in my life, past or present. That being said, I don't think he feels the same about me. I shouldn't expect him to really – it's been such a short time since we got together really, but still.... I mean I'm fairly certain that he's had loves in the past that he feels stronger about than this one. That he'd be married to any number of his exes up until this point if not for errors on their parts. I feel like, with me...he's settling. That I'm good enough, I fill that spot that he needs to have filled for the moment. So he'll cloud my head with these notions of future life together and such until he finds someone better. I hope that in time I'll become the love of his life. That I will mean to him what he means to me. That he won't tell anyone he loves them but me, that he can give up his past and truly devote himself to me. I can see myself married to him, a couple kids and such running around and all the happiness and joy that two people could ask for. I don't know if he understands how much I care for him. I want him to be happy. If that means being happy with someone else, than it does. I pray every night that God takes the pain he has away from him, even if it means giving it to me. I would take everything he feels wrong in his life unto myself. That sounds... something, but you know what, at this point I'm done trying to fit into someone's mold of normal societal existence. I don't think John really wants to let me in. Either he can't or won't trust me, or he is ashamed...or ...something. Whenever I ask him questions he gives me vague answers, or will just say 'something' and/or 'stuff' when I probe more. And I'm not just going to force it, you know? I'm not going to be like “Have you ever killed someone?” or “Tell me everything in detail about that...program or whatever you were know the tattoo and all that.” I don't work like that. So I'll piece the puzzle together one tiny tiny piece at a time, or I'll lose the first pieces as the new ones come in and be completely and utterly lost. Who knows. I suppose, it doesn't matter anyway. It's more curiosity than actual need. His responses could be anything and I'd still love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. That being said, I'd still like to be trusted enough for a straight up blunt answer to be given no beating around the bush..

Le sigh. I don't think we'll ever be content unless we both completely stopped talking to our exes. Oh, wait, I've done that. He hasn't. Hm, what a surprise. So yeah, I'm pissed, and I'm bitter, and I'm utterly crushed. I still love him, I still want him by my side until I take my final breath, and's's hard. Food time now....

Thursday, June 18, 2009

an update

Well, I promised an here's an update.

The apartment we've got is pretty decent. Besides the little kids that are like gang warring each other and our neighbor that snores so loud we can hear him and the thumping of the Mexican music all the time... just dandy. The pool is nice, even though we only want to go when there aren't people there which means it's dark and the pool is closed. Hasn't been to much of a problem thus far though.

The unemployment coming in is a lot less than their estimated figure...only pulling in 238 a week. So I've got my applications for Food Stamps and Section 8 -- I can only hope that something comes through. I'm looking at -$800 a month until John's unemployment comes in and then we're at -$500. So we need some jobs or... a Fairy Godmother... or something. A money tree would be great. Hopefully Uncle Sam pulls through. All those taxes I've been paying over the years and such. A little assistance until someone figures out that bailing out companies isn't working and lets the market stabilize. Or... just you know solves it somehow.

John and I are super happy and such in the relationship field of things. I think if his ex would stop sending him texts that are... I don't know, inappropriate would probably be the best word, that there wouldn't be any friction between us. I cannot blame John for this though, and at least he's being honest with me and such so it's not, like... too bad.

I need to cash out my 401K deal, that will help a smidgen. In addition, hopefully I can get some money from my whole graduation deal. That's the par for the course gift, right? With a little luck and a whole lot of faith - maybe we'll pull through. A couple minimum wage jobs doing bullshit would be great. Know of any? I've been putting in applications and sending resume's everywhere with no avail thus far.

Keep on keepin on, right? I just hope that I can do all this without begging, borrowing, or stealing. Anyway, without money/job woes everything is fine. I think that I can get some loans going and school and such to even everything out. Here's hoping.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'm slightly R rated.

Here it is... four o'clock in the morning, and I cannot sleep. It's not that I'm not tired, because I am -- very much so actually. The reason I fail to find that long longed for delivery by the sandman is that tonight I will go to bed completely unsatisfied, in the most physical sense of course. It is in this time where I am stressed to the point of exploding in bits of rage at everything that I need to be loved the most I think. Not held, or hugged, or reassured. Not bent over anything and ravaged. Loved. Completely and deeply, and in a way that only he could give me. I can't tell him this, that I feel somehow everything would be better if he would only have sex with me. That's not even it. I don't want sex, or to fuck or screw or whatever term you choose to describe this fornication. (By the way...fornication is one of my least favorite words in the English language, guilt anyone?) I want only to make love with the one that I love. Instead I lay with his naked body pressed up against mine, holding me close...and me, well, I guess there's no sugar coating needed -- I'm frustrated to the point of tears damn near. In this moment I realize that I would fail at writing erotica. I'm much to much of a hopeless romantic. It's not enough to talk about quivering members, throbbing cocks, and slippery wet pussy. (Another of my least favorite words.) I'd want the characters dancing in my mind to fall in love and have a happily ever after. I guess... you can have both, right?

Which kind of brings me to a point which I've brought up with my best friend, but not with him...directly at least. The disconnect. Our usual ... sexual adventures, if you will, are full of this passion. It's raw, and it's definitely carnal. It makes me feel empowered even if I'm being 'dominated' and it gives me this amazing rush during. When it's over, it feels like the world I was just in sort of melts and there he is beside me. Like...he's not the same man that was just with me. I'm dating two people, or something. It sounds insane I'm sure. However, it's like there's this super caring and loving individual who is silly and we can laugh and joke and such together with ease. Then there's this I'm going to bend you this way grab you here and fuck your brains out guy -- who I am a fan of, for sure and definitely. It's weird though, that somehow in my reflections of the world...these two, personalities, if you will - they aren't the same person. They are in the fact that they generally look the same and feel the same and taste the same. There's something more animalistic in him than normal, a throw back to a time when we lacked higher brain function. I don't know how many tabs he has open at that moment, but I don't care. All I want his him to flip me around grab my arms and fuck me harder, deeper, faster. To pull my hair and to pinch, bite, and suck everything else he possibly can. To make me writhe in pleasure to cry out in complete and utter physical ecstasy. And in writing that I note, perhaps there is a disconnect not within him, but within myself?

Regardless... tonight... I didn't want that. I was slightly frustrated from a less than fantastic, and definitely not par for the course performance of earlier, sure. I wouldn't be lying to say it sucked...Anyway. That's not what my concern was. Rather than sit there notes and test this and that. Rather than talk about anything, well... I just wanted the night to be...I don't know. The only time that I didn't have the disconnect I mentioned is when I asked him flat out to just love me. It was then that I felt my soul reaching out and ...dancing intertwined with his. Dumb, I know, but it was something so deep and real and...nearly spiritual as blasphemous as that may be.