Monday, January 25, 2010

a bit of the past

I'm thinking that I should go back through my old journals that I have and write them out. Store them for safe keeping in the electronic world. It would also give people...person, I don't know... the chance to see who I was before I got this whole thing up and running. Before I was compelled by a Mr. Johnathan Lee to start my own blog or else explode. Bet you didn't know you were the reason? Actually you probably did.

I'll begin this process once I am moved into my new apartment 100%, or at least when my journally things make their way over.

Speaking of moving, we've got so much moving left to do! John keeps saying it'll get done, but I'm starting to have doubts. Not like we have much choice in the matter though. Right now we've got the living room and kitchen half moved. Everything else hasn't been touched other than grabbing essentials. However, the place is wrecked! There are papers thrown everywhere, and so much stuff! I think that we'll end up having quite a bit to give to Goodwill, and another lot to throw away. We need to get some sort of filing system in place because there are lots of important documents that need to be kept that are currently strewn about.

February 1st. That's the day we're looking forward to. Two full time checks with prorated rent. Yes! Enough to catch up on bills, pay all the ones due, and give my lawyer his retention fee thing. Tax returns to cover the rest of the bankruptcy and then huzzah! The past can actually be the past. Thank goodness. Last year I spent my tax return paying down my debt so that I only had 2k. Now, just one year later, I'm looking at 28k. Joy. It would have been a lot more fun of a year had I been responsible for that massive increase. Oh well.

On to bigger, brighter, and better things. Right kids?

Friday, January 22, 2010

it's been 10 months

It's that time again. The time when I get to look back and reflect over where I've been and how I've grown myself, and in my relationship over the past month.

The past couple days have been really good for John and I. He told me his going to open up his past - that I'll finally be able to know everything he's never wanted to share before. I really want to jump right into the parts I've been questioning ever since we got together, but I'm taking things slow. Already I've learned more. Another fabulous development - he brushed his teeth in front of me! I know this isn't going to seem big for any of you, but it is. He's more comfortable doing anything else in front of me, and I haven't been in the room the entire time we've been together. He just kicks me out of the bathroom and locks the door, just to be safe. Last night he said that it was all open.

It's taken us ten months to come this far. I was instantly open with him, he just has that type of personality. For most people, I do to. People tell me things, confess parts of themselves easily to me. I'm not sure why, but John just didn't. He has been secretive and vague about so very, very much. It will be nice to get to know him. Which, you know, is a good thing seeing has how we're getting married exactly six months from now.

Wow! That's a ridiculously short amount of time when you think about it. I mean, it feels like just yesterday I was calling Az asking to crash at her place because my date and I forgot it was Sunday. It feels like just last week when I received adulturous kisses on the back of my neck while browsing Powell's... but let's not think about that now!

I hope that everything can work out. That this new found openness lasts and doesn't fade like so much else in life. I hope that he can really open up to me, let me in where no one else has been before. I crave intimacy, connection, truth. I need to be trusted, to be deemed worthy. I need to know the man I'm marrying.

I love working here now, with John. There's a reason to show up, there's a reason to stay. Even though it's only an hour a day - well, less with the walking and such... but still - it seems to make everything worth while.

I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. *606*Forever*

Sunday, January 10, 2010

we're all a bit jaded

When did we all become so jaded?

Think back, far back... to a time when each day was full of emotional purity, clear thoughts, renewed hope, and limitless ambition. The world was literally at your fingertips and nothing and no one could stand in your way. Until, of course it or they did. I wonder, how is it that we can go from such innocent hope to such pessimistic views seemingly in the blink of an eye? We are eternally searching for something to fill this void we've created within ourselves. Something, someone. Is it that our optimism really is dead, or that we keep setting higher and higher standards each time we fail to meet our original? If that is the case, then we are creating this sort of catch-22 self fulfilling prophecy. Creating expectations for life, for love, we know that no one will ever reach - and then we are disappointed when they don't. With each failed project, wish, relationship we seem to set the bar for the next one even higher; furthering our perpetual sorrow and downheartedness. Which begs to question: Can a broken heart ever truly mend?

Do the scars from your past ever really fade away? We like to pretend that they do, we like to put on that face and say that we judge each day of it's own accord. But who are we kidding? Your parental doubts led to you seeking that perfect mate - and we they fell short we seek for something better - better. Why don't we simply search for something different? For something that fits our brokenness, our pessimism, our jaded perspectives?

I still feel like I was just broken up with, like my hearts on the mend - from time to time. My ex and I broke up over a year ago. Perhaps the adage from Charlotte from Sex in the City is true... we don't heal until half the total time in the relationship. Maybe this is true. Somehow I feel that a truer assumption is that we simply never heal. We go through the motions of grief, we get over the worst of it, but the shadows never really are shaken from our frame.

The more we go through life, the more shadows we collect. This isn't to say we cannot find happiness within our covered and jaded frames, that a broken heart cannot love immensely. It's just that the shadows of past hurts and failures cling to the happiness and shroud the love. Perhaps we'll reach this wise old age and find a way to dispel them all. Likelier? We go insane. Senility, Alzheimer's, what is it really than our brain finally succumbing to so much past baggage? Finally throwing in the towel.

Here's the real question. If, in our current condition, we are all so jaded; if a broken heart can never fully heal... Can we break the cycle? Is there some way to reach within ourselves and fix the broken and chipped pieces? I still have faith that there may be. Perhaps, one day, I'll be proven right. Or, I'll fail in someway that erases that faith from within. I suppose, as they say, only time will tell.