Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Day 1 - Liquid Diet

First day of three on a liquid fast diet.
No, not a master cleanse or a drinking only water and juice... I only have a tiny tiny amount of will power stored.
A drink only protein drinks and water and whatever else is liquid and either calorie free, or low in calories.

Breakfast: Still felt okay hunger wise this morning after our farewell pizza dinner. There was something oddly comfortable and familiar in the chalky chocolate of the protein meal drink.

Lunch: Wishing I would have brought a strawberry with me for lunch. Chalky chocolate can only take you so far. I had a couple pieces of marionberry licorice to get the taste out. A downfall, saying no to free Kettle Chips. How I love me some crispy goodness. No hunger, just a feeling of being... empty. Craving baby carrots and hummus... which is not what I expected to crave (see hamburger and french fries). Drinking lots of water and feeling a little sad that I have to wait two more days for a delicious steak.

Dinner: Strawberry flavor is actually tasty, not nearly as chalky as the chocolate. Still protein powdery, but not that bad. While out and about, Johnathan bought me a buffalo chicken thing from 7-11, and I ate it. That, and some spoon fulls of the best mint chocolate ice-cream ever.... that still counts as liquid, right? Okay, so not the best day. It is hard not having something to really sink your teeth into. No hunger pains, but just... emptiness.

Breakfast and Lunch: 360 calories each. Dinner: 240 calories. Cheats: ~400 calories. Total:  1360. Definitely not "low cal".

Oh and... having to go to the bathroom with urgency and frequency previously unseen without food poisoning. That's been fun.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Random Shit I Found On the Internet

Emma Stone being sexy --
A map you can scratch off where you've been --
Best. Bedroom. Ever.
Perfect summer evening... let's pretend that's Top Gear playing
If I could somehow get away with / pull this off I would in a heart-beat (also Fishtail braid... how do they do that?)
Sherlock Holmes adorableness
Raw sex.
Awesome wedding
Amazing, adorable, geek art
Drinking. Geek style.

The Plan - Day 0

Flipping through Cosmo I usually see an ad for Almased, and the diet plan therein. Lose weight fast, boost your metabolism, yadda yadda yadda. After researching that, alternatives, and cheaper methods of such, as well as just scouring through the grocery store - here's the plan.

Three Day Liquid Only Fast

I decided on going with Nestle Boost Plus, Nestle Boost, and Slimfast to kind of get a variety in there  (that and Slimfast was on sale for $4 for a pack of 6). The drink requirements were pretty simple - stick to the Almased original in terms of having a balance of vitamins and minerals, be relatively low calorie, high protein. We looked at alternatives such as Spiru-tein, but decided that the best well rounded approach was found in already mixed drinks. For the first three days we're focusing on fasting, lowering caloric intake and improving digestive health. The Boost Plus is higher in calories and fat, but has a lot more fiber than others, so that's going to be the focus for the first two days.

Four Day Mostly Liquid

After our three day immersion is complete, we'll add in one meal per day. Lower in carbs, with good lean protein. We've picked up some nice lean cuts of steak, mushrooms, onions, and a salad mix. This is essentially Slimfast's 3-2-1 plan... minus the 3. I'm sure we'll add that in with greek yogurt, or fruits/nuts after the initial 7 day plan.

Our entire plan for the week plus cat food, laundry detergent, and some greek yogurt (just in case we get too terribly hungry) was $89. Not bad at all, considering we're used to spending $150+ per week on just food. With our bank account currently sitting lower than our rent check, and a wedding coming up John still needs to get his tux for... it's definitely good to budget. The Plus drink has 360 calories, so I'm not worried about getting less than needed nutrition of any kind. I'll be sure to update at the end of each day and let you know how it goes.

By focusing on balanced nutrition, easy to digest foods (for 3 days at least), we should be able to regulate blood sugar levels, increase metabolism, and cut out unnecessary calories. This is just my first toe dip into such things, as I've always been interested in, but afraid to try the Master Cleanse. Maybe after this, we can take a foray into that level of cleansing, if it's something deemed necessary. We might also go the Almased / Spiru-tein route at they are all natural, vegan alternatives whereas the Boost/Slimfast is a little more chemically contrived.

Before delving into this with both feet, we headed to Costco for a pepperoni pizza to say goodbye to the greasy, fatty, goodness.

Monday, August 29, 2011

End of April 2009

Never seen
someone look so good
by the pale glow
of a monitor

Never felt
such ecstatic joy
as fingers dance across
my keys

Never wanted
anything more
than to see you wrapped in
my mind's labyrinth

Never heard
someone speak
such mysteries
Tell me more

Never tasted
this poison so sweet
can't get enough
fill my cup

Never knew
what I do now
stumbling through
the lighted streets

So show yourself
Run your fingers
across my skin

Exist as you do
speaking sweetly
into my anxious ear

Make me crave you
with your mind meld
of pure ecstasy

you can do this
unlock my quaking fingers
jump into my senses
my world


I am: worried
It's an: adjective
Meaning: anxious, troubled
See Also: afraid, apprehensive, beside oneself, bothered, clutched, concerned, distracted, distraught, distressed, disturbed, fearful, fretful, frightened, hung up, ill at ease, nervous, on edge, on pins and needles, overwrought, perturbed, solicitous, tense, tormented, uneasy, upset, uptight, worried stiff
I am not: calm, untroubled, unworried

Monday, August 22, 2011

13 Months

I can't believe it's this time again. My monthly time to sit back, reflect, breathe. To erase the stress and ignore the flaws. To try and find the chewy warm center of my heart that still beats pure and simply happiness. It's been so constricted by anxiety, so hardened by broken promises and lazy ambitions, it's hard to find it sometimes. Wondering how to stretch the money, how to balance everything we have in our lives with how much income we have. Balance practical unemployment with rent, bills, weddings to attend. Not sure how to get tux, let alone gifts, let alone gas to get there in the first place. Feeling like we're broken... swimming in a sea of stinging eels and shadows covering any glimpse of light.

I try, to cling to you. The memories, the way I used to feel. The heart that used to beat in time with mine. The man I thought you would become. It's true, you haven't met my expectations. Yet, I haven't met mine either. We live in chaos constantly and neither one of us lifts a finger to change the situation. So, perhaps we're both to blame for the dead-end we've reached in our life. Maybe a move will change things up. Fresh start. Again.

I can't believe it's been a month since our anniversary trip. And I, longing to return to live on the coast every day. Trying to find ways to make it happen. Trying to show you that it could all be okay. Everything. If only we had sand between our toes. If only we fell asleep, every night, to the sound of the waves. Maybe it's just me projecting problems to unforeseeable outcomes. Like in my prior post, where everything would be okay if I were just fitter and prettier.... maybe everything would be okay if we didn't live here anymore. If we didn't drive these same roads so well known that we could do it with our eyes closed. If we had a new place to live and breathe. Salt water in the air, in our hearts, in our taffy. If the weather were gentler and more even-tempered, maybe we would be too.

And maybe all it will take is for you to come face to face with yourself. Really analyze who you want to be, the kind of man you want your children to have as a father, the kind of spouse you'd like to be - and realize that it will take change, but it will be worth it. It will be hard, perhaps, to shake away the foolishness of youth and step forward in the shiny new skin of adulthood. But you'll be fresh, and you'll have room to grow. You'll no longer be trapped in your current plague of old, stale, decaying.

Perhaps I need to do the same. To realize where I am in life and where I want to be. To make the changes necessary to move forward and do them regardless of the consequences. Although, if I were to do this, I think I would lose you. I'm not prepared for that in the slightest. For I feel that my chances for happiness are far greater if our stale, dead skin is rubbing up against one another's than if I were to shed mine and advance beyond where you remain stuck. So I will wait until you are ready, as long as I am able. I will let my scales be heavy with their burden until you are ready to shed yours as well. Trying to keep the fabric of our existence woven tight no matter how difficult it is when you're running with scissors.  Lying in wait, perhaps our useless particles with slough off each other's until we emerge healthy and renewed together, in sync. I'll do my best not to scratch in the meantime, though I'll prod you to.

I'll do my best not to curl up and cry with the pain of it all, this stagnant pool in which we live. I'll do my best to look to the skies and hope that maybe, maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe our longer than average gestation means we'll emerge able to learn at a rapid rate. Maybe though we're so extremely slow to develop, once we hit that point we'll sky rocket and catch up to all those who have slithered so far past us. Though riddled with doubt that this is the case, I try to cling to it. Try so hard to think of something which will ignite that spark and let us fly with the full breadth of our wing span.

This doesn't mean I do not love you. This doesn't mean that I do not still want forever. You are my primary focus, my main objective, my sole goal. I will try to mend our broken bones and bumps and bruises before I turn to the world. I will be here for you if ever you need assistance, mending, consoling, strength. I will be here when you learn, when you adapt, when you grow into an adult. I will be here every step of the way, helping, holding, loving and laughing. And yes, at times, nagging and pleading and begging you along. But, mostly loving. Mostly caring, and whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Dealing with the empty spaces, the scrapes and snags as best I know how. Every day I lose a little bit of myself to the worrisome ways of the world, every day my faith is waning. Perhaps it will be renewed, perhaps it will simply fade away until the realism outlook overtakes any trace of optimism I try to force-feed myself.

This post isn't nearly as happy as I set out to make it. Not nearly as full of my love for you as it should be. I guess that's just my state of mind of late. Preoccupied, distant, worrying and fretting and trying to make it work against the cold hard mathematics that it simply won't. I do love you endlessly. I am happy at moments, when you wrap your arms around me and shut out the world. When we lay tangled and focus only on each other, ignoring the constant responsibility nagging at our minds.
♥ 8 months ♥ 13 months ♥ 29 months ♥ Eternity to go

We've a very, very tough road ahead of us. Our toughest yet, and it's only getting tougher. Hold my hand tight, and let's jump into this frozen pool and emerge ready to take on the world.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Do You Ever Feel.... everything would be okay if only you were prettier?

That you'd have the job, the family, the life of your dreams if only your face were clear of acne, your waist nipped in tight, your breasts perfectly round and standing at attention? Like the world's problems would all of the sudden cease to matter to you, the weight of it all wouldn't hang on your shoulders, if only you were a size 4?

And the punches would fall softer if you weren't so soft. The words sting less on toned arms. The drastic uncertainty of the future would be less worrisome, so much less worrisome, if your ass didn't have so much damned cellulite. The storms would pass by calmly, if not for your frizzy hair. Art would be formed to rival all, if not for your dry, bony hands. Your husband would make more money if your eyes were bluer, your lashes darker and longer, your dark circles diminished. And the cats wouldn't shit on the floor if your voice was more melodic, your face more symmetrical, your teeth perfectly straight and aligned with precision in your jaw. The house would be cleaner if you could stop getting distracted by the hair on your big toe, your uneven eyebrows, the dimples in your chin. You'd get more respect, with a more demure gaze, and a shorter stature. No one takes pity on the 5'10" girl when she can't walk a straight line. If you were 5'5" life would be perfect. If you walked with grace, instead of lumbering around like a buffoon, if your feet fit comfortably in peep toe shoes. You'd have children, a flock, all well behaved, if only your skin was a smooth, even, golden hue.

Then again, life would be better if I were a fairy princess too...

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Gamma, DBug, Display

When HP Gamma went away we sighed our ways into other corners of the building. We sent the occasional e-mail, we dissolved. But then, really, we were never that close anyway. Phone contracts tend to isolate you from your closest coworkers.

When Disney ended, those of us that were close, we stayed that way... for a while at least. And we still see each other, for the holidays, for birthdays. Like some distant extended family. We recall the best job ever. What it was like to prance in Pixie Hollow, or jog along the Caribbean shore... and get paid, well. We held each other when the end was near. Often times literally. We drove each other to new destinations, frolicked in the sunshine, ate buffalo wings and played on the beach. Together. All welcoming, all loving, all encompassing.

No, Display will never be what Disney was. I am not greeted by a group of people each day I arrive. There are no hugs when I get to work or throwing a Frisbee in the parking lot on break. We don't lunch as a group, we don't play as one. Still... it has been two years. Most days. And...
I just want to hug you and say.... "I've hated/ignored/been annoyed by/been jealous of/been furious with you.... but, I'm attached to you. I will miss you when you're not around." Our team is small, we are able to talk amongst ourselves all day and not cause great distress. We share our lives, hobbies, passions. We proofread each other's manuscripts and teach each other crafts. Formed our very own little codependent unit. A blend of backgrounds, thoughts, and perspectives. And, it works. Mostly, usually. We've trail-blazed through unknown territory together. Gone from not knowing what we were doing to handling more tickets in less time. Writing and forming knowledge bases and training materials.

Soon, it'll be gone. Like so much else in this ever changing trap that is a call center.
I hear ACS is hiring.
So many places hiring.
I don't know if I'll stay, find something else to do in the building. Go to a new company, sit at home on unemployment. I've put out my feelers and have applied to jobs. Nothing back yet, internal or external.
I don't know what's going to happen... but I know I will miss the members of this team. We haven't enough glue to hold us together, and perhaps we don't really want their to be. But, we work well together.
So, good luck to all you Display kids, wherever the directions of change will take you.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

fall to the ground
lights dance all around
twilight lit fantasies
of my girlish heart
I can feel you
though there’s miles between

I can't believe
that this has found me
here in this place
my mind
so full of wasted space
wasted thoughts and time

the word has never
felt more alive
and yes I will be
I will be for you
whatever you need

trust in me
that I can endure
especially if you
by me now

jump off this cliff
hands intertwined
eyes locked in gazed
focus deriving
its pleasure from
logarithmic thoughts

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Yet that is how
I wish to be
How I feel

When he holds me

I seem to define
these things
falling faster
free falling

When he holds me

Stressed to
the breaking point
yet there he is
I am safe
I am free

When he holds me

I never thought myself
to be anything
other than ordinary
he makes me feel
like beauty radiates within

When he holds me

When he holds me
the world fades to grey
and I am flying through
celestial embraces
upon the invisible wings
he's given me

unbeknownst to him it seems
he is there so naturally
and comfortably I look to him
dare I say perfection


When he holds me

Monday, August 15, 2011

Last week was the most stressful, burnt out, miserable, confusing week I've had.
In a long, long time.

Saturday we're supposed to go to a barbeque, I say, let's go see what a car dealership can do for us, out of curiosity.
They play their game too well.
Sign us in for $1300 and 375 a month. A 2003 Honda Accord with issues and 200k miles.
We panic.
Scream and squirm our way back to reality.

Monday brings news bitter to taste.
No more AdCenter.
No more Display.
No more job.
Panic forms a knot around my chest.
Worked so hard, gave so much to this place, to this team. Never got the recognition I deserved, and now I never will.

Connected cohorts form a plan.
We return the car with amenities.
Done. Obligations erased. Plans formed for debt reduction. This is a good thing. Pushed to our limits we have more than we thought. We will be okay. Job loss or no. We will be able to pay off all the madness we've been collecting faster than expected. Thank goodness!

And then....

What if it's cold? What if it rains? What if a bun inside my oven bakes? What if the fuse box fills with water again, short circuits my Jane?

So back we go. Full of thoughts of winter days, of car seats strapped to convertible tops, to backs of motorcycles.

Less money this time. More than we have, yes. More than we can possibly do, yes. But have no fear the husband says. Overtime, it's coming the husband says. I'll make it work, the husband says. So I believe. Save $4k. Get a BMW with 65k miles from two decades past. Partying like it's 1999, with a smaller price tag.

Lose heated seats, sun roof. Lose 6 disc changer, lose leather interior. Gain German engineering. Gain $250 from down payment. Gain $4,000 from previous deal. Perhaps gain more respect. Perhaps.

Taxes. Evil taxes. Steal our money, rape our wallets. Take $151 from me. Needed funds. Expected funds. Here we sit. Signed and delivered. $200 short of the minimum of where we need to be. Balancing act of where to put the money. Phone bill left unpayed. Unable to keep these promises we make.

Left further in debt that we could imagine. Unable to make payments promised. Have to give up all we'd worked for. For what?

Reassurance that when the rain pours down and the earth freezes, that we'll be okay. That if God delivers onto us a child, we'll be able to bring him or her home.

It seems reasonable and yet so foolish. Hoping for overtime. Hoping for our craigslist postings to sell. Hoping for free lance work. Praying for a miracle.

Out of work. Out of luck. Out of time.

If you know of any manual / computer work that needs to be done that can be accomplished Sun/Monday or after 2:00 PM let John know. Hook him up. If you know anyone looking for a cell phone or a laptop, let us know. We'll hook you/them up.

Also thinking of selling my wedding dress & garment bag ($180) , sash ($5) (rose petal), necklace($15), and slip($10). Would like to keep that to friends/family circles though. Veil ($50) will be available after mid-September. So that's a full bride's outfit (size 8/10) for $260. Let me know.
Face pressed
to the glass
of our indiscretions
Broken thoughts
frayed edges
fall to the floor
Mind liquidation
Apathetic notions
of a one way street
forked in two
One way desires
the other
rationalizing rationally
Repeating myself
Again and over
Dried cracked tongue
white flag waved

A wave of pure
sweet and beautiful
And only then
Can I feel free
Pitter patter
beating of my heart
pounds my chest
face contorts

flitting around inside
a squillion butterflies
wanting to escape
They force
their energy on my typing fingers
to keep from bursting my flesh

so bitter sweet
I roll it around my tongue
savor the flavor
the texture
smooth, silky

How does something so sweet
terrify me to my core?

Take me

Cover me
In your world
I cannot comprehend

Fill me with your notions
Your thoughts
Musings of a mind

Short on random access

Thrust your feelings
Inside me waiting
Rushing through

Rip in time

Falling as we
Tumble through
Hold me close

Squinting eyes

I can't see
The world in front
Like you can

Crystal dark visions

I am scared
Truth burns like lye
Comforting a sinner

What am I?

Pray at night
Covers closing round
Arms held tight

Faith is all we have

Is all
We have

All we need?

Friday, August 5, 2011

Gently shaking
Kissing, whispering
Hushed and amber tones
quickening pace
feel you move

Thursday, August 4, 2011

THC fills my lungs
breath in
breath out
can't numb the pain in my heart
breath in
breath out
doesn't matter what I do
how I feel
if the world turns
breath in
breath out
crushed life
devoid of meaning
breath in
breath out
thought that it'd go on forever
breath in
breath out
now I know
the truth that lies
that we'll never come again
breath in
breath out
pain in my chest tightens
breath in
breath out
don't think I can make it
breath in
breath out
he took all that I had
that was worth living for
breath in
this pain’s just too much
breath out

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Double Dose for Hump Day

She sits on the pixie pier
her toes are in the sand
She searches round and round again
for the all so helping hand.
Her wings are fading in the wind
Her glow is growing dim.
No more bells as she whispers
barely faint cinnamon.
She tries to face another day
a voice claims
Doesn't matter anyway.
She clutches at the memory
of the not so distant past.
A tear falls down her cheek
escapes a sigh
might be her last.
The whirlwind of hopelessness
takes her breath away
She is stranded by the thought of we she forgot to say
She is tortured by the promise
‘til my dying day.
She watches that great light of hers
slowly fade to grey
She stares into the blackness
What once was her soul
She reaches out a hand but everyone is turning cold
Finally she realizes what this is all about
She's on her own
She's made her stand
and now she's all left out
The love she once shared has been drug
strewn about
No more laughter in her footstep
no more gleam in her eye
Falling to the earth she lets out her final sigh
The world, the tide, the sun, all whisper their goodbye
And as the picture fades to black you see the knife in her side
This loves’ fate, the curse she laid
she never had any choice
A promise made, a promise broken
just like her young heart
We leave her as a memory
and truly fade to dark

Welcome to December, 2008

this is me raving
this is me ranting
this is my fuck you to the world.

this is me crying
this is me cursing
this is my fall from grace.

this is my life
this is my love
this is my broken heart

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Tears fall
Puddles on linoleum
Lost in a daze
So dead inside
Yet I cry

Hardly knowing why
Part of me wants it to end
So why do I care that the end is near
Why do I care that he’s not here
Puzzled as to why I long to
be with someone
So full of anger and hate
And mood swings a plenty
I can see through his personality flaws
To a heart that lies within
Does it still beat for me
Will it again
I can only stare
At the tear drops below
And hope

Monday, August 1, 2011

Taste the salt
warm summer breeze
Live for free
Soak the sun
never go home
Stay out late
over sleep
Take a shot
keep on chugging
Never give up
never slow down
Keep a modern quill
in my hand

Never stopping

Decorate this temple
with what I choose
Laugh in the face
of adversity
Surround myself with
splendid company
Soak up the stars
Sprinkle pixie dust
Skate that sun flare
Jump the milky way
Celestial embrace
Come on down
Do it again

Taste the salt
on that warm summer breeze