Friday, October 30, 2009

What I like about Autumn...

Foliage colors
Escaping the heat
Apple Cider is cool again
So is Hot Chocolate
Rubber Boots
Jumping ... in puddles, in leave piles, in general.
Cuddling becomes neccessary
My birthday
Pumpkin Pie
Pecan Pie
Well, food in general.

I don't like...
That it's going to be winter soon. Brrrr!
The super short days / lack of sun.
Wind storms.
Fatness caused by tasty foods.
No monies from parties/presents.

All in all, it's a happy time, Autumn. It's winter that sucks! Have a wonderful Holiday season and be safe!

Monday, October 26, 2009

my temper runs high

So. With that prequel out of the way, you can fully understand why I was upset when today I received this from my mother:

"I'm going to delete you. I wanted to see how you are doing and maybe be part of your life but it is too painful. I hope for your own sake that you come clean about who abused you and who you abused if only to yourself and your fiance.
My dad died so he didn't get the chance to walk me down the aisle and that forever makes me sad. You have a dad who loved you and cherished you above all else, including me. Why you turned on him I guess I'll never understand.
I'm sorry I couldn't be the mother you needed."

I turned on him, of course. These crazy people. Anyway, I retaliated rather than leave it alone...because, that's just me.

"What you do is definitely up to you. I am surprised to see you are still with someone who has held a gun to your head and knocked you unconscious in violent fits of rage. Perhaps it is you who needs to be honest with yourself and those around you. I still have nightmares about the things that I experienced growing up, and certain things will still send me into a panic attack. I try to convince myself that I'm not a child anymore, he can't hurt me ever again. I made the right choice by leaving and saving my own life. I don't understand how you could say no abuse took place when I had a gun held to me. How is that a loving and cherishing father? I do know that he wasn't all bad. Sure, we had some times that were okay. However, it was not worth risking my life to stay there to have those fleeting times of love. I thought that some day if you were willing to admit what happened, we could become close again. Maybe he's changed. Perhaps the realization that someone could escape his tyranny shook him enough that he cleaned up his act and has become a better person. I don't know. I myself have no evidence to this belief. If he had come to me, called me and apologized for all the times he ever hit me, all the times I was thrown downstairs or against walls by my throat. If he showed genuine emotion and was grieved by what he had done... I would be able to possibly consider forgiving him. I have been debating whether or not to invite you to my wedding in July. I know that you have your problems like anyone, but for the most part were just a victim like so many other women out there - and I can't hold it against you. You weren't always the best mom, but when you were on your medication and had your head on straight the only issues that were there were just my teenage authority conflicts. The only thing I have any regret over in the long run is that I didn't fight harder for Alex. While he had you literally throwing yourself in harm's way for him, he still received the physical abuse. I realized later, that the anger of your situation being known had a high probability in throwing your husband into an unstable state and that he only had you and Alex to take it out on. I will always be sorry that I wasn't able to save Alex. Always. He exhibits the classic symptoms of someone being abused, even now, I hope that his father has changed and that these are only after effects of his childhood.

This situation has taught me that no matter what someone says, your heart is the only thing you can follow. I was told that no one would ever love me, that I was undesirable. Now I am engaged to a fantastic man who would never dream of laying a hand on me.

I was told that foster homes were full of molestors and rapists. I learned that this was just another scare tactic to keep me from admitting what was going on. The foster parents I've met ... you and your husband couldn't even think of trying to hold a candle to.

I was told my grandfather was a cruel man. He's been my rock since I took it upon myself to escape. He is the kindest, gentlest, most sincere man I've ever known. I wonder how your husband became the way he is with such a father... I suppose some things are simply genetic. Based on his father's history, you'd have to agree.

I have learned that I am strong. That I can survive. That nothing and no one can kill my soul, try as they might. I was terrified to go into stores by myself, just in case he was there. I look at that scared child, crying at the police station, and I wonder why I didn't leave sooner. I'm sure things would have clicked better for you had he actually killed me, but I'm glad we didn't get to find that out.

Through all the lies, I can still forgive you. You were a child taken by this man, and it is normal for you to cling to him. You should never have chosen anyone over your children, but... you did. Still, just realize the truth of the matter. Whatever you've blocked out - painful as it may be, relive it. I don't expect you to apologize for what it he did, that was his choice - not yours. I may still be upset that you allowed it to continue for so long, but time will heal. All you have to do is stop this facade that nothing was wrong, that he's this perfect person. Just admit what happened. Maybe I'll be able to build a relationship with you off of that. I'd like for you to be able to see your future grandchildren, though they will never, ever be allowed to be alone with your husband unless something miraculous occurs.

I guess that's all I have to say."

Which -- also in my fashion is very, very long.

Anyway, now you know how my day went.

a bit about my past

I'm not sure how many people read this. I'm too lazy to really care. I'm not sure of those readers, how many of you actually know me. Of those that do, how many know my past.

Well we can just say that it wasn't fun. My father was a very abusive and angry man who suffered from bi-polar disorder and depression. My mother was a classic victim of abuse. She let herself be the victim, blaming herself to the point of numerous suicide attempts. Since she blamed herself, she took no action to stop the violence that surrounded her. As a child I witnessed my father holding a gun to my mother's (and in teenage years my) head. I got to see my mother falling limp to the floor after having her head smashed into a wall by dear old dad. I was thrown up against walls by my throat, tossed down stairs, and the like. At fourteen he held a gun to my head and told me he would kill me if I left.

My friend had stayed with us for the week during a downside in my father's character. She had witnessed the abuse, and told her parents. At this point, I it was leave and risk it, or stay and die - the cops were bound to get called by someone.

So I made an excuse of returning an item to my friend's, and left. I didn't think about this very well. I didn't pack my things and leave them outside to grab before I made my escape. I left wearing a tank-top, shorts, and flip-flops. DHS ruled that I couldn't stay with my parents and enabled a restraining order that was soon broken. I bounced around aunts houses, and finally settled to my grandparents's. My parents maintained a shaky custody. They fought to have me shipped to a home for troubled girls in the south. My grandpa wouldn't let that happen, there were some lawyers, and viola I was adopted by my grandparents.

They're fantastic, they're family. If it weren't for my past I wouldn't be who I am, and I kind of like the person I've become some times. I've made some huge mistakes (*cough* buying the Mazda with Clint *cough*), but all in all I love where I am.

Johnathan is the most amazing person in the world. He may not have a job and be able to financially support me, but he will eventually - and the love he's given me and way he makes me feel so is worth it.

I love my Brittany! We are closer than we've ever been, which is pretty good after ... 10+ years.

My Azurell, Nate, Mouse, and... all the rest of you lovely lovely people. You were my rock after Clint and I split. You kept me alive, and for the most part sane.

I can thank every single person in my life, whether I hate them or love them for taking part in building a wonderful woman capable of her own destiny.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

mac & cheese is tasty

As I start to write this, one Mr. Kitty comes and decides to cuddle me. What could be better than that?

Life's been crazy lately, and I often don't know where to turn. There are so many whirlwinds passing around me. I do have good times though, so it'll all work out, I hope.

Money. Root of all evil. Something trivial and yet humanity places such a great value on it. With the system abolished, or with more in hand, everything would be just fine.

I went to the Tillamook Cheese Macaroni and cheese cook off. There was so much tasty food goodness. It was a free event, and I got a glass of wine, and so much food I was stuffed to the brim. The lady I voted for whose Mac&Cheese was OhMyGoodness good, didn't win - or even place, so that was kind of lame, but oh well.

Went to the pumpkin patch in North Plains yesterday with Brittany and Danny. It was pretty fun, and I enjoyed myself. We gave Britt a lot of crap for being super happy an excited, but I think she made the day. We took lots of video that'll be posted...eventually I'm sure. I'm really excited for Halloween, even though I don't have a costume super planned out. It'll be fun regardless.

John sold his computer, and went and got a lesser model. But... we only came out having an extra $120, and then he bought a midi controller for $40, so...yeah. Don't know if it's worth it really.

I don't know if there's even a point to updating ... because things are always the same with such minor variations.

Le Sigh. Off to see if Oregon can give me money now.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I'm not pregnant and I have a job.

Well, I peed on a stick - negative result. That's relieving, but not sure what's going on then with the sore boobs and the hormonal crazies and the constant annoying fatigue. Testing again later this month if a ness doesn't happen.

Work tomorrow begins my part time employment. This is going to be lame, because for some reason my manager didn't listen to me or something so I have a Mon.-Fri. 9:00am-1:00pm schedule. I'm also going to be making less than my prior unemployment was. Hopefully I can get some of that back though. Also, hopefully I can change to work 9:00am-6:00pm Mon-Wed. and have a wonderfully long weekend.

I'm hoping that everything will all be okay, but I'm feeling like it's just not going to be. The Mazda apparently doesn't exist anymore - the place it got towed to shut down without letting anyone know. That reminds me, I need to call the Police Department tomorrow to see what I can do with that.

I tried to get a loan with First Tech to consolidate all of the debt I've got going on, but because of the Mazda I was unable to do so. This is going to make paying for the wedding really hard. However, it appears that my grandparents are going to be helping even though they told me no way they'd be able to. This opens up a little bit more optionality for us. If they cover the location, we'll be able to do catering - which will allow us to have a lot more relaxation.

Relaxation would be nice. I've been stretched to the breaking point, and feel like my depression is starting to beat me. It's been to the point where I'm starting to feel totally deadened. Oh, there's panic, pain, worry. I did get excited while looking at wedding spots.

I think that I would be feeling a lot better if there were equal contributions coming in. I've been working 40 hours a week and John's been....? One day last week he did some laundry and picked up a little bit. However, I've been working all day for a month. His unemployment is hardly anything. In addition, he's spending ridiculous amounts of money. While I may have some debt that was before him - he's been piling on way way more debt than money he's bringing in. Makes me feel like he's taking advantage of me in a way. With the wedding to plan and so much debt in addition to the Mazda bringing us down with it we should be spending absolutely nothing and throwing anything we have into the debts. Instead, John's spending on credit cards and we're not able to pay bills. I understand not wanting to settle, but come on! I worked at Target for fuck's sake. He won't even apply to Subway or anywhere else that he doesn't think is...what? Good enough for him? I don't know. Something HAS to happen, otherwise this just isn't going to work long-term. Eventually something will break. It just will, and it doesn't matter how hard we try to keep it together.

John's reaction to the potential pregnancy was enough to tell me things aren't totally perfect. I'm freaking out - but because we don't have insurance and John doesn't have a job. John's freaking out because it means he'll "have to be an adult."

Le sigh.