Wednesday, September 30, 2009

what I wish....

I wish I could write a blog about the world in all it's glory and complete sanity. I'd love to write about the excess of money that all my friends and I have. How we're all doing fantastic and walking around in custom made shoes with an extra spring or two in our step. I want to write about the wonderful job market, and how we're all completely over-compensated and no inflation's in sight. Love is all we'll ever need, and more than enough for you and for me. There's fresh cut flowers every morning, and deliciously brewed tea flowing into porcelain cups. The air is crisp, cool, and refreshing, and is that lavender I smell?

I'd love to write all these things, but I cannot.

I'm drifting away from humanity. From myself. I wish all these things, but none will come to be. I spend too much time wishing, for there is nothing else I can do it seems. I can wish or I can worry. Perhaps I spend too much time doing both.

The daily monotony is a comfort. Rise, work, eat, sleep. The days blend together, cream blending into coffee. Slowly, silky tendrils work there way together.

I know that I am lame. I try so hard to be something that I am not I suppose. I try to be clever, to be tall, to stand straight and narrow against the world. Can you see through me? Is there anything to see? I realize now, that I have very few qualities I admire. I am hardly artistic anymore. I used to be able to create, to pull words out of the air and weave them into paper...or screen as the case may be. Now... ... now I just type idly, and hope that someone, somewhere, sometime will read and that they will understand. That they will say "Yes, there is someone who knows."

Knows what? Well... I surmise that whoever this person is, wherever and whenever they are...they'll have that answer for you. As for now... I feel I know very little.

The autumn air... the rain on the windshield... it all feels too familiar. Everywhere I go, everything I do, every drive I all feels like deja vu. I fall into this old mode of thinking, like it's all the same. This is all there ever was.'s not the same.

I think John and I were made for Summer. I'm not really sure why, exactly, I just think that's what we were made for. Spring too, I suppose. It feels like with the weakening sunlight that we have a battle up ahead. Something to overcome. Some huge obstacle that we break through, or lie broken in the wake of.

We're losing touch, connectivity with one another. Perhaps it's just that the "honeymoon phase" is over. I still feel for him as I did...but... I just don't know. There used to be so much passion, pleasure, fulfillment. Now there is this routine...this predictability. Nothing happens that I don't know is going to happen. No one shows me huge amounts of unexpected adoration or affection. I don't get surprise I love you headywhop, I get you spent 1,000 dollars on me in a week headywhop. I get the usual kisses and pets and signs of love, but I don't know. It might just be the fact that we used to not be able to keep our hands off of one another, once a day was the minimum. And now.... now I'm down to maybe 3 times a week at best. Where did the lovin' go?

I feel gross, overweight, ugly, moronic, idiotic, complacent, overlooked, useless, hopeless, stressed, and mildly deranged....

The end.

Monday, September 28, 2009

it feels disconnected

It feels like things are disconnected. Like there's this world in front of me, that I cannot take part in. I feel like my body is out to get me.

I don't really know if there is anything wrong per se, I'm just not sure if everything is right. Between John and I, there doesn't seem to be any underlying or obvious issues of which to note. He has said that he wouldn't make the same mistakes he once has -- which is better than I could have hoped for. However... there seems this disconnect. That we are on edge with one another, and that nothing is ever good enough for either party. It's really hard to explain, because, like I said there's nothing wrong. Just a feeling...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

it's been 6 months

"Happy 6 months! It's a real relationship now! I think we've got that backwards though. I love you, very much, you'll always be my moment outside of time. Let's watch the world pass around us outside of our reality forever. XOXO"

Yeah - got that delivered with some flowers to my work, it was kind of fantastic. Yes, I know we don't have the money... and six months isn't necessarily a milestone or anything - but still, I rather enjoyed it. I haven't ever received flowers by the surprise delivery method, so it was kind of neat. Daisies and pink roses, my favorite.

I think you can all assume that we're doing okay, since we're getting married next summer. Unless I get to excited and can't wait... kind of feeling that way now. It will be winter soon, so that will hopefully put a damper on my 'let's go do it now' mentality of late.

Anyway, I'll keep this post short - I posted something in regards to the topic earlier.

I love John, and am very happy that I will become Mrs. Stephanie Addison, or Stephanie Alexander, however those cards fall.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Autumn's here!

It is officially autumn! Hurray to the changing leaves, the rain, and the calming of the nerves and softening of the tummies. I brought the season in tonight with the most amazing group of people. The fire smell, the crisp air, the pretty dress, the lovely people... it was perfect (except for missing one very important person who stayed home and ...?)

I cannot explain how much I love my friends. Even ones I don't know all too terribly well, like Brook and Ike are still fantastic and I would miss them greatly if they were ever removed from such events/circles/etc.

I played Scribblenauts for quite a long while. It was amazingly fun and yet aggravating.

I should be in bed right now, as I have to be at work in 7.5 hrs... but I cannot sleep for thoughts mulling in my head.

I realized that there are people who love me, who love John, and are happy to see us together. I mean... I knew that before, of course, but for some reason it just clicked tonight on how much this is the case.

I realized that if it were up to me to pick who the best man would be, it would have been someone there tonight -- not someone who completely is against John and I getting married in the first place. Those people are more John's friends than Corey has shown himself to be in the last six months... and I don't think that's going to change. If anything Corey and John will fall further apart and John and the boys will grow closer together. Oh, and boys, I am not object to this being facilitated by you either....

When a friend says that they'll do whatever I need/want them to, it's pretty fantastic. Because of who I know, I'm getting pictures, cake, and video for my wedding for free. Well, I'll have to pay for the development of pictures and an album and what not...but otherwise yeah. I could get a band as well, probably. I am blessed to know such talented people.

Actually, I wonder if Trevor will make it, I'd love nothing more than for him to play for us.

The boys planned out an adorable bachelor party for John. Even though he is opposed to the idea of having such a party, hopefully they can trick him into it.

We're getting sent off for the evening with a Roman candle salute. Apparently it only takes four people to make a fantastic show that would bring to tears to my newly married eyes I'm sure.

Downside of tonight, a firework landed on my pretty sundress and now there is a circular smudge of... gunpowder/ash/burn that I don't know if I'll be able to undo.

I believe that the wedding planning has for the most part commenced. We need finishing touches on colors, and that's it. The rest is just saving money for the tulling, chairs, arch, flowers, food, and suit/tux rental.

I know, I know...there's a blog for that, but still it's important in the events of the evening. They interweave.

Anyway ... I love you Nate, Ike, Mouse, Brook. I am in love with you Johnathan Addison.

I am starting to feel like things are in an upswing. . . it's kind of scary.

Oh well, at least we have Corey to fight about to keep drama... I mean how is he going to give a speech if he doesn't think John and I are right for each other and doesn't want John to marry me at all ever...?

Have to be AT work in 7 hours....

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I rant, I hope.

I would write a blog, but have a feeling it would just be me bitching about work. . . because it's everything I never wanted. I find myself wishing, and wishing hard that Stream would call me. All of us. So we could go back to working our boring meaningless jobs. At least we'd know what to expect, and at least we'd be together. Oh, and at least I wouldn't have to wear Red and Khaki and a name tag and ... yes.

That is all. Target is great to shop at, horrible to work at.

The end.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I'll blog for the hell of it

Wow do I feel like poo.

Yes, that's my eloquent introduction. It's my realizing that I can't write anymore, that everything poetic in the world of prose has been completely ripped from my unyielding hands and deposited into the greater space of the world. The gifts I once held are being drained from me, even if ever so slowly. I hardly have the energy for anything but work anymore. As the sales are driven higher, the work becomes harder and more chaotic. It is better than doing nothing, though.... I think.


Today I arise at an hour past noon, after dreaming that John was a vampire. He rescued my brother, he took me on the hunt. He was Lestat powerful, we flew around the world. The early morning sun did not harm him, and we watched the sunrise with love in our eyes. He worked during the daylight hours - at some place. I think in my dream it was Fry's actually. When it was dark, the night was ours. In the dream he accidentally killed a coworkers grandmother. He didn't accidentally kill her, but rather chose the wrong person. She was elderly, and sitting in the arm chair in a mansion of sorts, nodding off. Her white cat was curled up on her chest, and was indulging herself on her master's blood given forth from a small abrasion of her flesh.

I woke up as vampire John and I were swinging at a park watching the world around us turn from black, to grey, to pink and blue. The coworker was on his way to work and found his grandmother. He left us, crying. John decided to skip work and grab a plane to somewhere fun. I joined him.


Life has been sort of hodge-podge of craziness lately. Wedding planning, identity crises, working. I'm in a whirlwind and having trouble getting out. I cannot wait until Friday (first day of my weekend). Thursday will be my sixth day working straight. Lame.

I asked John if he wanted Emily to come to the wedding. He wasn't sure, and thought that he shouldn't even tell her he was getting married. I told him it would be a bigger slap in the face to not tell her and have her find out later that he went and got married and didn't even mention anything to his best friend...or someone who once filled those shoes. Well he did call her, and I think he was just a big pile of awkward. Which makes me wonder... why was it such a big deal for him to let her know?