Tuesday, December 21, 2010

it's official!

Today Johnathan and I went and filled out the necessary paperwork to become official husband and wife.

It was kind of surreal writing "Stephanie Michelle Addison" for the first time. That is definitely going to take some getting used to. It's fitting, I suppose, that tomorrow marks five months since our wedding. I cannot believe that it's almost been half of a year since we set out on the beach in front of our friends and family... and yet, so much has happened in such a short time.

I am so happy that we are actually making things legal and that I'll be able to stop hearing "So, uh, when you changing your name?" I am blessed to have such a person as Mr. Johnathan Addison in my life. I cannot wait for all the wonders that the future holds for us. Houses and babies, and hopefully less broken cars...

We may not be a movie made love story, but we are definitely a love story.

♥ Here's to another five months, five years, five decades. ♥

Monday, December 20, 2010

love conquers all

It's been a few days since John or I have heard from, or spoken of or to the causer of drama. Minus a mass text phone bill reminder. It's been fabulous! I never could have thought that so much pain would end so quickly just by trimming those out of your life related to one individual. I guess that just goes to show that one person sure can create a lot of drama out of nothing, and if that one person no longer exists to you or those you love - no drama exists. Imagine that! It sucks that I had to cut some people I loved out of the equation too, but I am much happier now, so I guess they didn't really love me. That's fine.

John and I are going tomorrow to get our wedding license and will be actually "tying the knot" on Christmas. It's been way too long overdue, but it's the perfect time of year to do it. Come to think of it, I'm not sure why we didn't just plan our wedding for the Christmas season initially. With all the coziness that the season brings out, and the decorations the world provides, it's all so romantic and just perfect. We'll be ringing in the new year as man and wife - legally this time, and I couldn't ask for anything more that I could want.

We're looking at houses, since our apartment lease is up MUCH sooner than we thought. It'll be great to have more space, storage, and a yard! We've got two houses on our initial list, and both are pretty swell - minus the blue carpet in one. Blue carpet, really? I'm definitely excited to take that step, although it'll definitely be more money out, but worth it.

Only thing that brought me down recently was getting my maid of honor dress in the mail. A firm reminder of the end of a great relationship and friendship. A firm reminder of the bad relationship she's in now. So, that was a low point. But, as John notes, the dress is pretty and would make an excellent maternity dress for the baby bump that will hopefully be forming before too long. Silver lining!

I'm happy. Just simply, truly happy. It's been a while since that's happened. Try as they might, they weren't able to break me. Weren't able to break John and I. We're solid and secure, true love is pretty amazing like that. While I might have poor days, it's good to know that at my core I'm with someone that will always love and be there for me. I was completely destroyed by the drama created without any input what so ever from me, but somehow in my name... but I am healing, and quicker than I thought possible. I guess I just ran out of cares for the situation. But you know, quite simply, fuck 'em. I'm over it, and I find it hilarious that some people are desperately trying to hold on. To save face, or something, and even further try to blame their mistakes, weaknesses, and lies on me - as if it were my fault at all. You can blame it on me, everything, if it makes you feel better. Makes no difference to me at all, and if it helps you sleep better at night, by all means. You'll be lying, but since when has lying been an issue for you?

I have rid myself of evil. I have brought in good. I am seeking to maintain peace by perpetuating peace. I am with my true love. I have awesome friends and an amazing family. I'm looking to the future with great hope and anticipation. Each test God has given me has only left me stronger and ultimately happier, and this has been no exception. I am thankful for what I have, and know that I am truly blessed. Thank you to all who have helped me stay strong, and never let me lose sight of myself - I love you.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Wise words

I figured I start a collection of my support. It's hard to remember that I have any sometimes, and I need to start focusing on those that can see - and stop focusing on the negative. I'm not adding names to anything, and am only including what I can copy and paste. This is just for my personal archive, something I can read to remember that all will pass and that I am who I think I am, they are who I think they are. If you feel the need to add to the list, let me know. If you're on the list and would like for me to remove your quote for what ever reason, let me know that as well.

"You are an amazing person. Sometimes in life those we love get caught up in the moment, without thought of anything else. They won't listen to reason or wisdom, they throw caution in the wind, relationships don't matter, all they see is where they are at that moment, no matter how bad it may be. They forget the past and cannot see a future ... it's just the moment. We, as their loved ones can only sit back, let them go, and hope one day they see what they have done and we can put humpty dumpty back together again. That person will never be the same, they have broke their own rules, crossed their own lines and betrayed themselves. I guess it's all part of life. All we can do is sit and pray one day they make it out alive and come to their senses and try to mend things."

"Only the future knows what will happen to this person and we can pray she finds her way home. Just always remember those of us who will always be there for you no matter what, and already know the value of love and friendship."

"I agree with just about all that you have said, if not all of it."

"It's good to voice what you think, to be heard. I just want you to know that I am not against you in anyway, or anything of that nature. I am just sitting here looking at the result of how things are being handled, and the choices [she] is making, and really, I disagree with most. But who am I to say anything?"

"But really, you have done nothing wrong. I don't believe the lies, I don't follow or give into the manipulation of people, I reject it all."

"How can they still be near him when he says things like that?"

"I just threw up a little"

"Smack everyone else in the face, tell them it's ok because you're possessed by the frustrations of the infinite me."

"I'm telling them all to grow the fuck up, you can quote me on that."

"Fuck him, he can die in fire... where the fuck does he get off?!"

"Why can't [she] see that there's something inherently wrong with him..."

"No matter what he's said about you, it shouldn't be okay."

"It's actually not that hard to brainwash someone if you're on top of things"

"He probably does a lot of 'come on, she said THIS to me or THAT to you', and it's twisting it just enough to alter it in her brain."

"Take life with a grain of salt, remember to keep yourself happy and things will come to you. Fighting at this point isn't going to help, so please work on letting things just roll off your back. It's amazing what can happen when you do that."

"The only way to fight for [her] now is to stop fighting. Then when [he] fucks up you can still be there for her and you won't have to say I told you so, she'll say it to you."

"She's just blinded right now, I think you still want her."

"There's nowhere on earth he could go to get far enough away from me."

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

the truth behind the drama

So, some drama has been going around... this will be my last time bringing up the issue to any of those involved. This is my last plea, my last attempt at reason.

Did John tell his "best friend" things which should have remained in confidence? Absolutely. Did this "friend" mangle, manipulate, twist, extrapolate, and distort these things that were said and share this with anyone who would listen to him in the slightest? Definitely.

Did I tell my best friend things which should have remained in confidence? Absolutely. Did this friend tell these things to John's aforementioned friend? She did. Did this "friend" mangle, manipulate, twist, extrapolate, and distort these things that were said and share this with anyone who would listen to him in the slightest? Definitely.

Did the people that heard his mangled, manipulated, twisted, extrapolated, and distorted version of events believe them? Most definitely, why would someone make that up? Did they then share, with their own minor modifications of perception? Of course.

Did these mangled, manipulated, twisted, extrapolated, and distorted sayings then repeat the cycle over and over? You betcha.

Did these sayings then get regurgitated back to John and myself who stared in utter confusion and amazement? Why, yes - and that begins our tale.

Tiffany: Neither John nor myself had said anything positive or negative, fact or fiction to anyone. Not that you had no hair, not that you had a child, not your sexual past, not your middle name or your birthday. A friend of mine moved from Louisiana to be with me and her high school sweetheart, yes she was a bridesmaid in my wedding, that's how we convinced her to move here. When you moved here, and told people of your hair, your child, your sexual past, etc. we didn't censor you, we didn't add to, we just observed. Who knows who shared what information with whom? Only those who shared, I suppose. Actions were seen on a bus. Whether they happened or not, is irrelevant. This information was shared only with you and James (and those who the action took or did not take place with - and Brittany as I found her, as I always do a voice of reason). I am sorry only that we for some reason decided to try to include Corey in our social circle, and that he was there to perform his usual ritual on fact.

James: See above. Any "drama" that has started, has started directly from you. I don't know why, I don't know what your motives are. I don't care. I only know that everyone was continuing fine until you attacked me and/or mine.

Everyone else who may be reading this: Whatever you have heard from the above people, or from Corey is false. John and I are the most loyal and honest people that I know. It is quite unfortunate who John decided to keep in our social circle, I apologize for any stress he has caused you, your friends, or your life in general.

You see, he feeds on drama - on the misery of others. He has his agenda, which he makes up on a whim, and he will injure as many as possible to reach it. He felt the need for friends, and so rather than find his own he has embedded himself with my circle. And you, you have seen it - what's worse is you can't see through it. There is not an honest or good bone in his body. Although, we can all agree - he's pretty handy at hanging/making walls. He may seem nice at times, fuck I've fallen for it myself. But, rest assured, he will show himself.

Oh, and just in case I randomly end up shot as he's threatened me with injuries or death numerous times... Authorities: you know who to find.

I have spent too many nights crying, forming words to say to you all in my head. Too many nights unable to sleep because I was so wrecked that all of you who claimed me friend were so easily swayed by someone who you did not know. Who you do not know. I have only seen a small part of the manipulation, the dissent. I know one who has seen its entire width and breadth. I think it would be safe to say it is endless.

To those who think I'm over dramatizing, my words may be, but the message I speak is not. I am not pulling a scapegoat out of no where. To be fair, you are all just as much to blame as he is. And, I like to blame John for not punching Corey in the face and telling him to leave or be permanently gone when he said the things he has about me.

I know that Danny did not kick Brittany out of their apartment because she slept with you - but nice bragging about it. Oh, right, you thought that everyone was won over by your manipulation - you guessed wrong. I know that John did not drain his significant others' bank accounts and force them to have abortions. I know that every word that comes out of your mouth is either a complete fabrication, or the truth so badly mangled it cannot even be called truth at all.

To those of you who realized this person for who he is from the get-go. Thank you! Thank you for not leaving me alone in this world, thank you for settling my mind that I am sane, thank you for not having me lose complete and utter hope in humanity.

To those who have yet to meet him, just... don't.

To John, you will no doubt be furious for me for writing this. Please don't be. I have to tell everyone what I am feeling. It's either this or I just start drinking and smoking until I can't remember what the pain and emptiness feels like. I will write it all out. Every last thought and fragment. I will share with all who takes the time.

I am a beast of a friend. No, seriously. I know I have an attitude, trust me, I know. I am honest to a fault. I feel no need what so ever to sugar coat things, to tell white lies to protect your tender feelings. There's simply no point in this cold and eerie world we call our own. I am also ridiculously loyal, like ridiculously. I am compassionate beyond belief. If you are sad, I am sad. I cry to see you crying. I want to hug you and smother you in kisses and make whatever isn't perfect in your life perfect. I will defend you, even when I know you shouldn't be defended. "Trust me, she's the leak, it's originating from that one place." Yeah, well, she's my friend so you're wrong. (Turns out he was right, but hey, you can't blame a girl for being defensive and loyal, can you?)You know damn well I will fight for you, or at the very least with you.

And if I even get the suspicion that someone may be talking ill of you, that someone may be running the rumor mill, that someone may be defacing your pristine character... You can bet that person becomes my main enemy. My arch-nemesis, the everything I fight against. And he has, to all of you. I am fighting, but I am losing. Because I am fighting for you, but not with you. Because I am trying to show you, but you won't open your eyes. I try to tell you, but you cover your ears.

You know, its funny. I've fallen away from a group of friends, the all encompassed geeks because their crowd had too much drama for my taste. Every time someone left the room they were being talked about, gossip abounded and drunken fights and that just ain't me, baby. I loathe the drama scene. I despise he said she said you said she said. I can't take it, I won't.

So, here's the deal. I can see exactly where the drama is coming from. It may start with someone else, but it gets dramatized by one specific person. If there are others - let me know, and I'll add them to my list. As far as I can tell, there is only one culprit within our circle. I invite you with me, to allow only good within your home and hearts and dispel the evil. If you wish to continue to be an ally to this individual, I can no longer call you an ally of mine. If you would be willing to be with someone who wanted you for himself, so told you lies about me - what friend are you to me anyway? If you rally your support behind his falsities - I will no longer rally my support behind you. I cannot have my words I say to you be mangled, manipulated, twisted, extrapolated, and distorted to all. I will not be friends with someone willing to accept the lies about me, or those I love. I have been your friend, to a fault. Through all you've been through I have stood beside you, through every trial, I have supported you with all my might. Now it is your turn to return the favor.

Support me as I have you. I opened my home, my heart, my life. - open yours to me. I have shown you honesty, loyalty. Show me the same.

It is not a matter of me asking you to turn your back on someone you've known for years, only less than half of one. Just over four months you've been his friend, and me, I'm someone who has been willing to fight to the end of the earth for you for the better half of a decade or longer.

If you are fooled by the sheep's wool drawn over your eyes, I can fight to pull it up no longer. I am too worn down by all that's happened. To bruised and battered by the many stones thrown my way. I simply can't keep up my tough act any more.

You have shattered my heart. You have ripped the fibers from my body.

So friends of mine, I ask of you to return the love and courtesy that I have shown you.

Johnathan: I have asked you, begged you, pleaded with you to cut Corey from our lives more times than I can count. Each time he has made a horrid offense you have realized and bid him farewell, yet it seems you keep and keep forgetting. He speaks horribly about me - you make him leave and then invite him back. He makes up things about you - you bid him farewell and then invite him back. You said he was there as a filler for the wedding, nothing more - when it was over we would never see nor hear his tales again, yet there he was invited and re-invited, shunned and then forgiven. You should have knocked him clean and clear the instant he said an ill word about me. The instant he tried to claim you as his own again my ruining your relationship, your wedding, your marriage. I cannot fathom the loyalty that you have towards him. Or the lack, you therefore must have in me. I think, I pray, that this truly is the last straw. That you are truly done. That you stop this cyclic battle that has gone on for far too many years. I wish that you had just left him unfinished as you called him. That you didn't feel responsible for the monster he's become. You can't blame yourself for someone's nature. I know that you still do, just as you blame yourself for all surrounding your great grandmother. Neither case was your fault. Neither instance was directly or indirectly caused by you. Shrug it off my love, let it be. Let them lie in the beds they have made.

Brittany... my dear Brittany. If you know that Danny is not your soul-mate, that he is not your prince charming - by all means, continue on your current path. As much as I would love to have you here, providing you're on my side of course, I know that it would be selfish of me to do anything but urge you on home. I would kill to have someone that would cry over me. You have that, so please don't give it up lightly. I don't know the whole story, only bits and pieces - and most of those are from the one who the majority of this blog has warned against. I do know what happened over the last two days, at least before you left. So please tell me the rest, and trust that I will give you whatever I can to make you happy. I think that I've tried the selfishly amassing my friends to me from all across the country. It didn't work. I know it would have, had a troll not found his way into our lovely babbling brook, but perhaps I place too high a faith in others. I do not think this is the case with you. If every other soul on the planet chooses to think my tale too tall, and align with one who thrives on pain - I hope that you alone would stand by my side. You are my soul-mate, truly. We have had our disagreements, we have had our times of silence, but you have always been there. You have held my hands in the hallways, dried my tears behind closed doors. As I have yours. You know my judgment on character has been right, every time, even when you doubted me. I do not know the whole story, but I do know Corey. I do know you. You are nothing at all alike my princess. It saddens my heart that you would ever think so. You may be wild, but you are pure. You are intelligent, you are amazing. I will never, as long as I live, call any a best friend save you. One of my best, perhaps, bestie - never. You are my Brittany Nicole and I would do anything for you to find happiness. If you think you can find it with a troll under a bridge, or a mountaineer in the Alps, or a giant in the beanstalk - go where you must. I will not be able to follow you to all your destinations, and you know that I cannot see you with someone I know will end in disaster. My constitution is not strong enough. Yet we have flourished these past four years. We have grown closer than ever. If you think that has nothing to do with who you call sweetie - you are poorly mistaken. Will there be another Danny? Perhaps. There may be someone who will love you just as much, and think of you just as fondly, and be just as good for you. I don't see it happening, but it very well may. I only want what is best for you, I love you more than damn near anything on this vast blue-green Earth. I could write a novel of my love for you.

I really, really could. A novel for each of you, probably. For my love and my hate run just as deep. I make as much of a beast as an enemy as I do a friend.

So if you call me friend, and you stand beside me - I thank you. I will love you as much as I ever have. I will know that my faith in you is just.

If you choose the other fork in this road - so be it. Unless something miraculous happens you will never hear from me - nor see my face again. You may offer your rebuttals if you feel you must, but I will not listen to them. You can speak out against all I have said, but I know the truth, and that is what matters. If you have heard and believed anything from his mouth - you do not. You can offer your apologies and sad farewell, and for you - the one(s) that do this, my heart will break all the more.

I feel like I have lost the one I love all over again. That in losing whatever friends I may, I am not complete.

I have faith that I have married my soul-mate, my prince charming. I have faith that if we have to - he will carry me far from you all, across the sea, and we can live there where we can start over. As long as we have each other, that is all we need. Anyone else is a bonus feature, not a necessity. I am complete.

So, if you don't want to be a bonus to me - there's no reason I should be one to you. I don't dismember my bonuses, I don't lie to or about them - they're precious jewels in my eyes. If they get tarnished, I will do my best to clean them. But, if they get stolen and broken beyond my repair, they will be thrown out.

I guess that's just about all I have to say. If you've read this whole thing and have no idea what the hell is going on because you only know half these people... why on Earth would you have read the whole thing for one, but know that I feel just as strongly about you as I do those who are written about within.

I will always remain true to who I am, and fuck you if you don't like it. I will always be honest and forthright, and the most I will hide behind is my written word for my mouth seems to not know how to form the thoughts I emanate nearly as well as my hands. If you want to sit with me and pass a note back and forth, I welcome it. I will never falter nor alter my basic principals, my faith in humanity. If I found a sour patch - so be it, they are bound to exist in this expanse.

And, so, to all of you. Each member known and loved, each reader passing by, each curious soul... I bid you farewell and remain,

Truly Yours,

Stephanie M. Lukas

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I don't know how to dig myself out of this hole

Here I am just two days away from my 22nd birthday. It feels strange to be trapped in this body and mind. Definitely not an adult, but so far away from a child. I wonder, what will make the adult side complete? Is it a house, matching dinnerware, a child? Will I still feel incomplete and childish after all the things I hope to accomplish have come to fruition? I can't imagine me feeling complete. Solid. It's just this thing that I put in front of myself to keep on going. A carrot dangled on a stick. I've been chasing it for so long, I don't think I can even imagine the taste anymore. So many things are off kilter, so many things so ridiculously undone. I look at those around me and am so envious. Of either their togetherness or their freedom. I am envious of those that have their own homes, solid foundations of a career. I am envious of those who have nice apartments and a significant other who knows how to work. You site examples of all you've been through as justification that it'll all be okay, it'll all work out. As much as I'd like to believe, I don't. I just ... I can't. I'm not with someone who will do whatever it takes to support a family. I'm just not. That's something I have to live with, and have to deal with every day. Someone who is completely content with less than mediocrity. I'm not willing to eat one meal every three days to make it through, and I shouldn't have to do that. We're not starting from square one here. Together we have 6 years of college experience, two degrees. We should be able to have jobs which more than support ourselves and our family. The lowest 10% in his degree field average 70k a year, the median is $113k. Yet, we're in poverty - fighting and struggling to make ends meet. Living paycheck to paycheck. . . when he should be bringing in more than both of us are currently making combined. It's just, frustrating.

I don't know how to dig myself out of this hole. Go back to school and finish my degree - right, with what money? With what time? Let's say somehow I get just enough money to finish school and still cover my ass to live on, then what? I make double my husband? Sure, money fights will exist regardless but with our individual habits... you think giving him an allowance will fix anything?

I wish that this whole monetary system didn't exist. That I traded my work for housing, food, clothing and the like directly. That the world somehow was able to function on a barter system. Then we wouldn't have these issues.

I'm so ready to embrace my future. To leave this nonsense in the past. To have someone by my side who strives for excellence. To be more than mediocre.

To be, happy.

Friday, October 22, 2010

progress may have been made

I think, for once I really got his attention. I mean, really made him understand just what I've been going through and dealing with the past couple years. The love and confusion, the desires unfulfilled, all of it. Something must have finally clicked that didn't before - because he's agreed to change, or at least to try to. While I'm sure there are plenty of pessimists that would say that those words don't mean a lot ... when it takes you almost two years to hear them, I tend to disagree. So, I am hopeful. Will the words alone restore my faith and balance? Definitely not. But they are a start in the right direction.

Will the words bring back the feeling into my soul? Well, they haven't yet - but I am optimistic on this count. I can feel a bubble where there was an empty force... a bubble of hope. No, this doesn't solve anything right away... it doesn't put money in our pockets or clothes on our bodies or a roof over our heads. It doesn't make us have a strong relationship, or me have a fulfilled heart and soul. But it could if actions follow words. I am proud of him for apologizing, for admitting, for agreeing to work on our relationship. For once not throwing out idle words and ignoring the situation - but for listening, for contemplating, for trying. For saying that he will fight for us. And really, what more could I want?

We all have our dreams, and most of them get shattered by realizations of truth. For some reason his has held on, and I am determined to one day make it a reality. I think that for him and this path he thought he needed to follow to get to his dream, poverty became a game - dissonance a song. Coping or reasoning away, or just childish optimism - I'm not sure. I am pretty sure though that he got my message. Poverty is misery, dissonance is torture. This path he was leading was killing me slowly and making me hate every moment.

So, my dearest. Let's grow up and grow together. Let's turn those words into action, that action into love, that love into a life. That life - into a little cafe.

I do not ever want my children to live as we have lived. To have to come up with so much to do with a box of macaroni. I do not want them to have to worry about paying rent, or medical bills, or schooling, or clothes to wear. I do not want them to think about leaving all they love behind for the search of the almighty dollar. It is for this - for them, that I seek out progression. For us, for now, for the future. It is for your dream, for my dream. For all that is and all that will be. I hope that you see it, but know that you do not. However, I will take blind acceptance and internal disagreement if I must. I must do what is right for us, and I hope that you will too. While we may disagree with what exactly that is... I can tell you that your path to happiness will leave you alone - and in your loneliness and loss of love, how happy can you truly be? If all you've said about me is true, how happy will you be with me gone from your life? That would be the inevitability of it - me living with someone with no thought to my now and head only concerned with the future. Life is now, this moment. This present is all we have.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

I pray that God will grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. My dreams, my beliefs, my will. What I need out of life, out of you. I pray that God will grant you the courage and insight to change the things you can. Your life, your career, your attitude. I pray most of all that God grants you wisdom. To know what you can change, and what you cannot. To lead you down the best path for us and away from the end of the road you've been pushing so hard for. To make smart decisions with your life and love, to make you a better husband, a better man.

I love with all my being, I love who you are and I would never hope to change that. That is why I ask these things of you. If I wanted you to change it would be a lot harsher, and you wouldn't be asked to reach for better things, but to cut back on your habits. I'd never ask you to give your passions. I know that they are how you define yourself, and they have brought a lot of fabulous people into our lives. It is how you learn, you grow. So expand in your habits. Tinker with turbos, hypothesis with handguns, muse over MMOs. But support yourself while doing so. Support me while doing so. I love your ingenuity, your spontaneity... but there is simply no place for it in our current condition. I am too down trodden all of the time to appreciate your wonderful attributes any more. I am to weary of life to see your charms. I am too discouraged to know your beauty. Bring me back to life? Renew that spark, let me be comfortable in our lives and relationship so that I may be happy - so that I may rejoice in your company. So we can surround ourselves with love and not care about things so trivial.

You've given this to everyone else, why am I denied it? You say you've moved opposite of how you should have through life, but I wonder how this is my fault? Why should I be punished for the direction your life took before we were one? I don't see the point. I only want you now, in this moment, to be the best you can be. I want to be the best I can be for you. Really, that is what it all boils down to.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

it's still the same

As I think I should write a new blog, I realize that my ponderings are still the same. I am still ready for life to begin. Yet, each day we get farther and farther from all the things I am ready for and longing for. Deeper into debt to hospitals, less and less security and stability, more chaos, more mess, less cohesion and routine and order. So, now I am here and wondering where I could be. Finding solace momentarily in a song, and then plummeting into this absolute pit of nothingness. There just doesn't seem to be a way out, and no one... no one but me really seems to care.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

time turns the page

17 months ago, I said that I would enter into a journey with him alone.
12 months ago, he asked me to join him forever.
1 month ago, we joined as one for all to see.

I cannot believe that we said our vows a month ago. It feels like a different world entirely, and one that surely must have taken ages to develop. Still, the same refrains of those asking me how the married life is treating me should bring into focus that it hasn't really been that long.

As much as earlier on I stated that nothing had changed, that we go day by day in the same old fashion... there is another sense there too, that is different.

A sense, that life cannot remain on these tracks or else we will fall off them. That something needs to settle into the way it will be.

I long to establish the things that will last us forever... or... end the current chapter in our lives, and open a new.

I crave a solid foundation and stability, for potentials to be reached and expectations surpassed.

The only thing that has changed, I suppose, is that I am ready.

I am ready for morning each day, I am ready for the tasks ahead.
I am ready to be a mother, a wife.
I am ready to keep a home, and balance a budget, and live a life.
I am ready.

I am ready for the good times, and the bad. I am ready to try and fail before I succeed. I must succeed.

I am ready for a house I can make a home, and for a family to fill its walls.

Though it may be scary, I am ready.

I am ready to be married to a man. A man in the truest sense as I define it. A man, who is ready. A man who is ready to be strong, a man who is ready to be willing. A man who is ready to provide, to conquer. A man who is ready for the morning each day and the tasks at hand. A man who is ready to be a father, and a husband. A man willing to build a home, live within our means, live his life. He must be ready for the good times, and the bad - to fail before he succeeds. He must succeed. He must make our house a home, and be ready for a family to fill its walls.

Though it may be scary, he must be ready.

A month has taught me endurance, patience. It has taught me love, acceptance, and balance. It has taught me comprimise, it has taught me faith. I have learned the importance of good friends, and loving family - and the way it feels to be let down. I have connected, I have reached out, I have worked hard. I have enjoyed the air, the sun, the sky, life and love in all its glory.

Such a small time, such a long time. Who knows how the road unwinds from this point. I only know that now, I am ready. Are you?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

life goes on...

...same as it ever was.

The wonderful wedding was offset by having my wallet stolen and John getting so sick we had to go to the ER. Now we have medical bills on top of everything. Joy! I'm just glad that with medicine he is now starting to feel better. Nothing is worse than seeming him in pain... and actually voluntarily going to a doctor.

However, our normal cycle of one good thing followed by three horrible has not been completed yet, and this has me worried... what will follow? Perhaps it is superstition, but that's the way it's gone so far. I hope we can break the cycle and be calm and happy for just a little while.

I want nothing more than for normalcy. Some sense of solid base which all can grow from, from which a life can form. I keep feeling like if I run away I'll be able to find it. If I shake things up, somehow all the pieces which are floating around will fall together and everything will be complete. Day dreams...

I really want to start a family, to have John work a good job and to stay home and take care of the house and loved ones like women were able to before society marked this such a lowly occupation.

It seems like no matter how my brain likes to tell me, making lists and setting goals and having a plan will never work. We will never be totally out of debt, I will never be the pretty girl I used to be, there will never be stability, never peace. It will never be a good time to have a baby, it will never be a good time for anything.

I try to make to-do lists, to plan out how much we need to save - what we can allocate to certain areas of life. Then, something has to happen to steer us off course. I'm not even his real wife because of all this nonsense! We had the wedding, but not the marriage... seems so backwards.

There are so many things upon us... so many eyes, so many thoughts. So much to do, and no way of knowing how long we have to do it. I wish life came with a manual... don't we all? I just need someone else to take control and tell me exactly where I need to be and when. To portion out what I eat, what I do in a way that optimizes all that I am and creates the best potential me.

I've lost faith, I'm losing hope, and I'm ashamed for these things.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

I need help!

It has not been an awesome week and a half. Yes, we got married, which was awesome! But....

Due to some issues with the payment source of the wedding, we ended up having to pick up quite a bit more than expected.

Not to worry, we sold some computer parts to a friend who would pay us in two installments. So he gave us $250 and we went on our merry way.

That was until - we went to a friend's barbeque this afternoon and someone in attendance / milling about decided it would be a great idea to lift my wallet from my purse. Granted, I probably should have had it on me... but I figured we were amongst friends - so what's the harm?

Now I'm down that $250 which was more than desperately needed. In addition, I now have to get a new ID and all that. Not to mention a new wallet.... (the wallet stolen was given to John for his 18th birthday :( )

Due to the wedding and such, we took time off which is going to limit our income over the next month or so. Yet, of course we make too much for government assistance in the matter.

So, if you can help us out - you would be a Godsend. We literally have less than a dollar to our name, and no groceries in our house. Anything to help make up what was lost would be more than appreciated.

If you can see us in person, great. Otherwise I've got a Paypal account you can add funds to.


We're willing to do what we can for those who help out... shout out videos, poems, whatever we can do for free.... John's willing to paint your name(s) on the side of his car.


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

rotary engines are a drug

When John brought home Savannah, I was less than pleased. Busted windshield, zebra camo hood... I mean, what was he thinking? I'm down so much fire power for this?!

New seats, new steering wheel, new shift rod, new shift knob, new wheels, new hood, new windshield, some spray paint... surprising little money put into the whole project directly. These RX7 guys are totally barterers in a modern world. Of course, it did cost us an XBox and guns... now I look at the car as a work of art. So much so that my entire outlook on the older sport cars has changed.

And now, I have Jane - a wedding present from the love of my life. A 1990 (or 91?) red RX7 Convertible. She is a beauty. Sure, she needs a fresh coat of paint, and her interior could stand to be revamped. I'd like to get some new wheels (or just steal John's...). There is a wish list forming in my head of all that I could do. And to thing, a few months ago I never would have given her a second glance.

Jane does have a salvaged title.... which isn't so great (and I'm assuming why we got it for 1/3 of the KBB 'good' value). When we compare it's KBB against my '04 Kia though... the Vert comes up double. Double, for a car over a decade older!

There's a 1993 R1 for sale in the surrounding neighborhood and apparently John has an in to a great price. Considering KBB for the car is about 18k, regardless it's going to be a pinch... and we'd have to sell Savannah to compensate a down payment. Still... I am in awe that these cars have held up so well. That after so many years they have such a huge consumer base. I suppose it makes sense, I mean - they're gorgeous, high powered machines. Reliable when maintained properly, and still able to outrun a lot of what's out there.

Now, I'm usually not a car enthusiast, but these cars - nearly as old as I - have piqued my interest.

Monday, July 26, 2010

I'm married!

Well, I suppose my wedding blog is now finished. There is nothing left to write in its "pages". For we did it! The madness, the tears, the sweat that went into this wedding I think have left a far longer lasting impression on me than the wedding day itself. I can never thank my bridesmaids enough. Thank you for traveling from so far, only to have to support me, wrangle groomsmen (and the groom!) build bouquets, and create a wedding from nothing. I guess I'll break it down here to remember as much of it as I can... so much happened so quickly on so little sleep that I'm sure I will leave much out.

Monday: I had to get up at 5:00am to go to work to train people to do my job while I was away. I went to sleep at 3:00am. In a daze I ran over the tools, the procedures... the wedding.... I came home and memorized my vows. Then we had to pick up the house and we went and saw Inception. Went to be at 4:00am I think.

Tuesday: Woke up at 7:00am. Washed sheets and made the futon for guests. Set out towels and things in guest bathroom. Then we went to go get James so we could all go pick up Tiffany from the airport. Emma peed everywhere on the plane, the Houston airport lost Emma's stroller, madness! Kayla somehow ended up in Vancouver trying to get to the airport.... so we drove out there to meet her and drop off Emma. We all then went back into Beaverton and met up with Brittany while the boys... got their groomsmen attire. Tiffany, Brittany and I went and got our nails and eyebrows done, spray tans, purchased hair dye, and went to my grandma's to go start working on flowers. Then we came home, hung out for a bit and went to Montage for dinner. John, Brittany, and I then went back to my place and watched an episode of True Blood before crawling into bed in the wee morning hours.

Wednesday: Up at 7:00am, getting ready to go. Tiffany arrived from her night with James a little later. We ate some leftovers for breakfast and began our trek to weddingdom. Somewhere in there I dyed my hair, but I forget when... We went to David's Bridal to get my dress and garters, to Claire's for pretty bobby pins and a bracelet, to Winco for $70 in Jelly beans to fill shot glasses with (we still have sooo many - yay for overestimating!), and then I dropped Tiffany off to go pick up Az, and had Brittany stop by the Dollar Store to get ribbons for bouquets. When we were loading up the cars, John stops by to show me my wedding present. Her name is Jane and she is a glorious 1990 red convertible RX7. Ah the joy of FCs. We got everyone and thing together and headed out (late) to Seaside to check in to the Hillcrest Inn. The innkeep was a little... strange, but friendly. Our cottage was pretty spectacular. 2 bedroom, 1 bath, fully loaded kitchen area. We changed into some nicer clothes and headed to the beach to the rehearsal. . . only an hour and half late (sorry Grandpa!). We figured out walking and such, and then headed back to McMenamin's Sand Trap where we had the worst service ever. Then we went to Safeway and picked up some more alcohol for our girls night in. Once everyone was asleep apparently somethings happened... and I was woken at 5:30 by James coughing up a storm.

Thursday: Glass of OJ and back to bed til 9. When I woke up the bouquets were being done. (Thank you Az! and Brittany). Those got finished up and we got showered and doughnutted and headed out to set up the reception location. (After much harassing the boys to make sure they were awake after their Zombie stripper attacks and Oregon Coast bar hopping). We laid out the centerpieces and jelly filled shot glasses and bubbles and such. Then we went to breakfast at this place in Seaside.... I don't remember the name but they have deliciousness (and 3.95 biscuits and gravy all day). The service was apt and much better of a transition than dinner the night before. We then headed into Seaside again to get ready at my Grandma's hotel. So many people, and curling and bobby pins. Thanks to Tiffany for turning my face into something beautiful, my grandma and aunt Niki for creating my hair, and Az and Brittany for helping put on the finishing touches. Donned in a giant dress Azurell drove me to the wedding site. We tried to find a back entrance to our starting point, but ended up much farther down the beach and had to hike through the grassy dunes. When I got a glimpse of the ceremony site, I was blown away. White ribbon outlaying the aisle and site. A heart dug into the sand and laden with rose petals. The music started and it was time to go. I grabbed my grandmas hand and walked through the sand. John was so beautiful! When I arrived in the heart by his side, it was like no one else and nothing else mattered. We were together, and that's it. As we chattered away at each other, we realized that a wedding was happening, and there we were in the middle of it! Our vows were spoken, rings exchanged - a kiss. And we tromped back up the hill to take pictures. Thank you so much Brook and Samantha for capturing all that happened that day. John and I managed to have a bit of time alone as we waited for the chair rentals to be whisked away. We drove back up to the Sand Trap and were introduced to the crowd. Many hugs later we sat down for a delicious meal and drinks. A cake was cut, glasses were raised, toasts given, tears flowed. We danced in our awkward way and had our bridal party and family join us. A money dance was given (thank you Steve!) and then we returned to finish dessert. Chatting, a bouquet toss, a garter fling.... pictures and memories. The crowd dissolved, we counted our money, and headed to a hotel in Seaside - Rivertide Suites. I recommend it highly. 2 bedroom, 2 bath, a full kitchen, washer and dryer, jetted tub, living room, three flat screen TVs. . . John made us a giant bubble bath in the jetted tub and we drifted to sleep on pillows of down.

Friday: As the night was unprepared I had only my wedding dress to my name. I wore some of John's clothes as we went downstairs for breakfast, after figuring out how the toaster worked.... anyway, I called my grandma who was staying across the street and she came and took our things so we could zip back in my shiny new to me car. We drove with the top down in the sun, it was marvelous. We realized, we were married!

I married my friend, the person I can most be myself around. I love him more than anything else in this earthly existence. And, while we're not actually married - I realize most that it is what in your heart that makes a marriage. Nothing has changed. I am now introduced as wife (which was weird) and there are more rings on my finger. Catching a glimpse of John's hand shining makes me smile. Our day to day is the same. We wander around for things to do, drive around and hang out with people. We live, we love, we laugh. Once the bankruptcy goes through and we are finalized, when we go the city hall and make it so... I don't think anything will change then either (except our names).

Pictures are up on Facebook, once I get CDs of them I'll probably post them all together on some other photo hosting site.

Thank you to all that helped make this work, who provided the monetary means, the flowers, the carpooling, the bouquet making, the food providing, the everything! Thanks to the catering staff at Sand Trap for creating a wonderful room for us to be in.

Thank you John, for loving me.


Sunday, July 11, 2010


I think I'm addicted to trance music. Or, maybe just trance shows. Or dancing. I'm not sure exactly what the precise combination is. But, regardless, nothing has been able to push through the haze lately like letting myself float on the punching bass. Dancing like I'm the only person in the room - yet pressed against so many other warm and pulsing bodies. Being one, yet one of many. Perhaps it's that in my day to day I don't really ever get to be me. Never just express myself however I see fit and not give a damn. Yet, there on the dance floor I can just...be. Surrounded by others who are just being them. I don't see why people need drugs to feel awesome at these shows - I guess intensifying the feeling. Kaskade was infinitely more into what he was doing and energetic and... pretty much just better all around than Paul Van Dyk. Good times. I was extremely bummed that I had to leave so early to catch the train home. I think next time a concert comes into town I want to actually stay to the finish of that I will drive. And wear thicker shoes so stilettos don't break me. . . and not ask people to rate me 1-10... because, really?

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Paul Van Dyk and such

As I go to write this, I reread my previous post. It still sums up all that I am, all that I know. It's sad to me to go along in the world so unchanged. So stagnant in who we are. Perhaps we cling to these comforts instead of letting ourselves fall into where we should be.

Last night, I let myself go - and it seems that I have done some offense. However, as I look on it, I don't much care.

I showed some cleavage and danced my heart out to the sounds of Evan Alexander and Paul Van Dyk. I, for once, stopped caring about how I looked while moving - or what others were doing around me. I simply soaked in the sound and let it pour through me. Pure release. Money aside, I think I'd do that every night. Find a great DJ and just exist in the moment. It's so strange that to listen to that music idly is something I shall never do, I simply don't enjoy the overtures crashing into repetition. However, with bodies all round pulsing and the music all you can hear, and the ability to channel it - it's quite lovely indeed.

So many things are happening all around me, I have so much to do....

So little time to breathe.


That's better.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

So many things have been flowing around me lately, it feels I haven't had the chance to breathe in ages.

I feel small, I feel weak. I feel like the world is surrounding me only to rip me into shreds.

I cannot believe how amazing the late spring air has tasted and felt on my skin this past week. The sun waving farewell later and later each night, until soon I will be up too late just to watch it sink behind the hills.

Drinking too much, letting my head fill with notions of importance and delusions of grandeur. I think that's a more fitting name than life behind the mask these days. I haven't really let any one into my darkened chambers in a while. It's much safer that way... I scream out every once and a while - but I think that in my trying to be what you want me to be - it's usually just a whimper.

How can I say I'm terrified without you hearing I want out? How can I reclaim the way my heart used to feel without the world seeing me reach for the past? I wasn't always broken. These jaded eyes once were a clear and open blue. I used to stay out all night in the back of the Scout with the top off staring at the stars until they turned into sunlight. I used to lay on a porch in a sleeping bag and watch the bats dance as they found their fleeting prey. We would plan our futures as only children can, and never knew how it would end.

I fear that history repeats itself, that for every wonderful moment in time there will be five to make you want to cease existing. I want to capture each wonderful moment without the bitter taste they now leave in my mouth.

Since my life ending heartbreak, I haven't been whole. It's not fair to you that I am this way - but I suppose it's only natural. So you ask me - which moments are sweeter? The ones before I was crushed into a million pieces, or the ones after? I don't know what to say other than I know how those moments end. I know that all those wonderful times were all for naught. That all they brought to me were tear-filled eyes and a new perspective. Yet, they do taste sweeter. Time perhaps blurs the negativity that may have existed, perhaps it was youthful eyes that hoped for a brighter future. I don't know.

I crave for that magic again. That feeling like nothing can ever beat me down because I'm me. I long to feel the sun's rays wrap around my heart and know that all is right in my world. I want to feel you like I've never felt you before. I want to consume you in all that you are until I've had my fill. I want... I want to feel. Not nervousness, nor apprehension. Not worry, or fear, or confusion. Just... feel.

Feel the world in all its glory. Feel what I see, touch, and taste in my core. Feel love all around me, coursing through me - feel content, feel at ease. No more planning, no more schedule, no to do lists. I want to be able to kiss the morning as her eyes meet mine. I want to fall from the star light into ethereal clouds of tranquility.

I want to run free through fields of flowers, twirling in the breeze. I want to dance in an ocean of bubbles underneath a giant oak tree. I want... to be free.

I want to bare a child into this world, and teach her the ways of the goddess and the cross. I want to connect with my inner witch without offending my Christian half. I want to blend the world into a perfection that has never been seen. I want to feel what it's like to carry life into this world. To be the vessel of perfection. I want to take that gift to the world and see it grow and flourish with freedom and love as its companions.

I want to care for you, as you've never been cared for. I want to wipe your brow from the grime the world has imparted there. I want to show you compassion, mercy, and forgiveness. I want to show you passion, freedom, and the wild beating of my heart. I want to be your gatherer in a world full of convenience. Hunt for me?

I want to return to our roots - to abolish modern establishments down to the barest of infrastructures. I want to see bronzed limbs toned with work and glistening in the sun. I want flowers in my hair and grass beneath my toes. I want a warm ocean to swim in and a cool shade to lie in.

I want all these things I cannot have. In this age I was never meant to be. So have patience as I struggle through time to make my way to the 21st century. Do not fear me, nor my fickle heart. I will mend again - there is really no alternative. Keep in mind through every day that I have never seen our relationship as a trap nor inescapable bindings. I know, everyday, there is a choice. A choice to continue or to depart. I continue, and I promise you I will keep continuing as long as I am able. You are mine forever, as I am yours. Please don't take this for granted.

Friday, April 30, 2010

you can take me as I am.

I got a lot, well.... a lot for me I guess, of attention on my last post. I guess it came across stronger than anticipated. However, perphaps that was for the best. For no matter how much I scream into the world that things need to change - here we are spinning in the same circles.

I am still being made out to be the bad guy, when I am not. I am still treated like a child, yet expected to behave as an adult. I am used, I am taken for granted. It appears the honeymoon phase is over and we are laying out bare and naked in front of each other. It seems we are not liking what we see.

If you don't like me, that's totally okay. A lot of people don't like me. I'm too blunt, too demanding, too in control of myself for most to handle. That's fine. You can leave, and I will understand. I want you to stay. I beg of you to realize that while volatile I am so very easily made docile. If you are what I need, you will have zero complaints of me. Of this, I am certain. I may be demanding, but if my needs are met I am the most loyal, passionate, caring and basically fabulous person you will ever meet. I will make sure you have what you need, and more.

However, I am not able to make something out of nothing. I cannot make your perfect universe without a single drop of star dust or basic elements of life. I can have a relationship balanced perfectly and obtaining peace and passion in abundance - but it does take two people to form this relationship. It requires my partner to be able to step up to the standards I have, which I am also willing to give.

If you were looking for someone subservient, this I will never be. I will stay home and work on the house and raise our children, but you will never be my master. I do what I do in my life of my own volition. I am broken by how much I have had to serve you. I am broken that you have become the master, and I - yours. I want to be yours, but only in the same breath that you are mine.

I will work for you, if you work for me. I cannot survive in the way things are balanced. I will not thrive being someone that works to take care of someone else that is perfectly capable of supporting themselves. I've done it before... look where that relationship now is.

I love you completely. I want you to be by my side until time is no more. By my side. Not in front, nor behind. You are my life, my world. Let's bind together and both work for the common interest of continuance. Let's try and be something the world can be proud of, that we can be proud of. Please join me. Love me. Be what I need. I will be what you need. For always.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

it's been 13 months

I was going to write a happy blog for my belated 13 months. First I decided to catch up on my reading of other's blogs to reenter the world I've been out of touch with. Now... the happy blog of love and joy just doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

I am so ridiculously done with being made to be an enemy. So tired of spending everything I work for, and a lot of what I don't, to make someone else happy. I get so very, very little for myself. I give everything I have to someone else who has the audacity to say that it is not enough.

Oh, you give me everything - you've changed your entire belief system, you bend over backwards daily and feel like killing yourself so you can stop it all? Yeah...that's not going to cut it. I actually need more. I can't be satisfied with this, let alone bothered to actually contribute something of my own. No, I won't give you anything other than the basics to tie you to me. Work? Bah! Cut back on spending? You must be joking.

I just want it all to


I love you more than anything I can express. So giving you everything I have isn't a big deal. It makes me happy that you are happy. I would like to have something given to me. I mean, last night we bought something for me - and the xbox is pretty much half mine. Still...it feels like all you want me for is to support your habits. Not to be there for you, or to love you. Just to be something you can feed off of.

I know that this cannot be the case. I hope so, at least, and am pretty sure this is correct...Take what I say with a grain of salt... but do listen. Don't just ignore it like you do everything else I say in regards to how I feel.

I am so easily tossed aside like everything else in your life. I know this... and I feel it intensely at times. I wish for you to be what I need... what I've always needed. I need to be taken care of, to be provided for. I need to feel it completely that I am the only thing that really matters to you. I need to be enveloped in love constantly and made to feel like I am truly safe. I need to be protected from the world, and perhaps, to have the world protected from me. I need to be encouraged to thrive - emotionally, physically, spiritually, artistically, sexually...and otherwise. I need to have an equal partner. Someone who does not take more than they give, but tries as I do to give as much as possible while taking as little as possible. You say you do... but this is the biggest fallacy I have heard you commit yourself to thus far.

I need happily ever after.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

the whirlwind

I think sometimes that there may be something wrong with me. I mean, I read over so many posts that are full of anger, or sadness and wonder why. I cannot comprehend these things in my elevated state I suppose. Everything now is wonderful. Sure, we're completely and totally broke and budgeting ourselves each day in a way I didn't think possible. Yet, we sell things to get by, we make our way through this life.

I little over a year ago John told me that I could take him and only him, or he would walk away. I realized that I couldn't let him walk out of my life, so I agreed to be his girl for as long as everything was rainbows and butterflies. We fell into a daze of glory, confusion, and passion. The rainbows and butterflies didn't last unbroken for too long, but at that point I don't think either one of us had a choice but to see it through. No one thought we would make it, that we had anything real.

Yet, here we are. One year in, four months away from our wedding. The days fly by now so rapidly, there's hardly a chance to breathe. We are stressed over work, over the lack of money in our household. We have lawyers and weddings and bills to take care of - not to mention eating and fueling a vehicle. Somehow we've managed to make it this far. We should be out of the woods here shortly once the lawyer stops eating all the monies.

We finally have a means to pay for the wedding (thank you Grandma!) and so we're feeling a lot better about things in general. It wasn't a big deal to go out and buy my wedding bands two days after I bought my dress, veil, and jewelry. We're selling the Wii tonight so we can afford food for the rest of the week and then rinse and repeat I guess.

In May the lawyer will be paid off and I can dive into the trial proceedings. Yay? Eh, it will get everything taken care of and get me clean and clear for the future. Now if John could do the same.... but most of his stuff will fall off of his report in the next year or two anyway. Then we can start working on saving for a house ... although with a certain someone's spending habits I don't think that will be possible for us until 2015. The world will end before then! <-Totally kidding.

Anyway, I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. You are my ... everything. As long as I am, I am yours.

Monday, March 8, 2010


We walk through life and a surrounded by a myriad of choices. Do we know which ones lead ultimately down the right path? I think in our heart, our soul, we do. We know that the choices we make will turn through the world like they do. Why then, do we make negative choices? Why do we hurt those we love enough to make them feel like a relationship just isn't worth the pain? To test them? To test ourselves? While it is I that gave in, I do not forgive you. I will not forget. We included a verse from the Bible on love on our invitations, but I've never once believed in that verse. I don't think anyone ever has. Maybe fools.

Love is demanding.
Love is cruel
It is always envious,
it will always boast,
it is unfailingly proud.
It is inconsiderate,
it is selfish,
it is quick tempered,
it never forgets.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with lies.
It always leaves you exposed,
always disputes,
always doubts,
always perseveres.

Know it. As I have known it, as you have known it. As anyone who has felt its thorns will know it. We all know these things, yet we still ignore them. Or we forget, time slowly degrading our memory of the past until we come to see love as something to hold on to - to seek. We slowly forget that love is not happiness, but pain. Just as hope is pain, just as faith is pain. Without hope there is no disappointment; without faith, no regrets.

It takes so long for these wounds you carve into my chest to heal. You always find their scars after they've just finished healing, and know how to rip them open once more. That brief point in time when they are healed, when I am whole... it is still worth it to me. Eventually, I can't guarantee it will be. Eventually, the wounds you inflict will take too long to heal. The cuts opened too many times will cease to clot and scar over. I'll be left with an open wound in my chest that you can no longer fix.

It is your choice, the fate of my heart. You alone hold the ability to crush or enlighten it. You can heal these wounds completely, and diminish the scars to nothing. Or you can break me completely. It is up to you. I hope that you can choose to reinstill in me the belief that love, faith, and hope are things to be cherished. I pray that you do not ruin everything we've built thus far. Yet, you are stubborn and steadfast in your ways. If you remain as you've been we cannot last. I hope that I am worth changing for, that you can alter your foolish beliefs and ways. If not, that is your prerogative. I do not hold you here against your will. I do not wish for you to be anything other than what you are - what you are at times, what you can be.

I will do my best to hold on to you. To love you as I have. To be what you need me to be. I promise that I will flourish if tended well. I can promise that not a seriously ill word will come between us. You claim it is good that we fight, that it means we still care.

I hope you can come to show me you care without breaking my heart. Even after we broke up Clint and I fought. I don't think that means we still cared enough to be in the relationship - we simply were done with each other. Fighting does not mean that you care... it just means that you fight. You are cold, calculating, and cruel. Yes, you are also sweet, caring, and loving. Which makes it worth it.

I will be here with you as long as I can. I would like very much for that to be forever.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

we can remember long ago

I've began to enter in my journal entries from long ago. December 2005 to be exact. It is funny how things change. How I had doubts about my relationship, even back then, but was steadfast to it. It is amazing to me how much things can change, how much anger and love a young heart can hold.

I hope that I'm not spamming your readers with my writings, as I'm setting the dates on them when they were actually written.

Time to move on with the day I hope. I have a pile of old movies to watch! Hopefully john will get out of bed sometime...

Saturday, February 27, 2010

a Scottish prayer

I realized that I didn't write my anniversary post. Seeing as how I've said everything I need to say as how much I love Johnathan... I'm not really sure what do write about.

I think that it's a good place to start to say that I went back and read an e-mail John sent me May of last year - when we had been together only two months. He spoke of his endless love for me, and his desire that I realize that love.

It's kind of silly to me now, how I could have been so head over heels for someone in such a short time. How we've moving throughout our lives in relative peace for nine months since he wrote that. How we still feel as we did for one another in that time, stronger perhaps.

There were many who thought that we weren't going to make it. That we were in it for a rebound, for fun, and that it would dissipate just as surely and as quickly as it started. I remember an event very clearly... Sitting at work with Nate and talking about money troubles - making some comment about how if we can just hold on for six years it'll all be okay. "Yeah," says Nate "but you won't still be together then." I was shocked at this statement of, in his mind, fact. It was one thing to have my dearest Azurell remind me that the heart is a faulty thing, and to avoid basketball. To have someone completely ignore the fact that real love can exist so shortly... it stung.

I think we've shown people we are not just rebounding from prior hurts. In less than five months we will be saying our vows and acknowledging our love and commitment in a more solidified state than before.

With that, I'll end this blog with a Scottish prayer that I rather like...

Lord help us to remember when
We first met and the strong
love that grew between us.
To work that love into
practical things so that nothing
can divide us.
We ask for words both kind
and loving and hearts always
ready to ask forgiveness
as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, we put our
marriage into your hands

Monday, February 22, 2010

a manic Monday

Head - sleepy, buzzy, no pain yet.
Neck - Pain
Back - Pain
Stomach - Dying times a million
Girl parts - Also dying
Butt - muscles cramping
Legs - following butts example
Arms - Sore
Feet - Dead, arches falling.

No wonder I spent ALL weekend asleep or in semi-sleep. I missed a punch-n-pi meeting, because I slept right through it. Although I usually keep my phone under my pillow - so obviously I wasn't needed because no one sent a text or called. Oh well, my determination in that is kind of fading anyway.

More posting later on love and such... but not for now.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Valentine's Day is for suckers

I am confused by half hour lunches and hour vto's... in which no one thinks of dear ol' me sitting at home waiting.

No one thinks of their special entry into the home where they will be greeted by chocolate covered strawberries and a glass of champagne with raspberry coulis. After kicking of shoes and relaxing for a bit they will then take part in marinated steak on home made crackers topped with caramelized onion. After a back rub they will then be feasting upon a spinach, asiago, sun dried tomato souffle with another glass of champagne/raspberry coulis. For dessert we then have a baked pear with it's self made caramel sauce and a few wonton churros. Then to walk into the room and see their valentine's present in proper presentation, and another present that they forgot about there as well snuggled on the bed all pretty like. After much hugs and thank you's we now proceed to headywhop and etc. followed by what better be some good good lovin'.

Instead of that day... We will turn to reality, where Stephanie's plans are not important. Instead of that we turn to boredom for me. We turn to leftovers for dinner and me wanting to cancel Valentine's day altogether - it'd be more efficient that way anyway. I've never tried so hard to make one person happy, nor failed so continuously.


New reality: One in which the boy decides to think of me and bring me the car home. Hurray! So I go and spend ridiculous amounts of money to make everything perfect... and then said boy reads above post after I asked him not to and planned on deleting it. Then said boy is a big enough idiot to let me know that he read it by posting a comment. Now I kind of want to kill him, myself, and cancel Valentine's day. Why the fuck did they invent such a stupid fucking holiday anyway? Why must you be SO ignorant?

Thursday, February 11, 2010

guns are fun and family's the future

I've kind of failed on the entering new, well old journal entries, haven't I? I've been failing to do much of anything these days. Waking up way too early and not having a lot of money will do that to a person I suppose. I have found a rather expensive hobby I do enjoy, shooting. It's something I didn't think I would like too terribly much, but it really is quite enjoyable and entertaining. Although for Johnathan and I both it's about $80 per trip - and that's only because we purchased a membership at the range, but it does include 200 rounds of ammo. Other than that I really want to get into scrapbooking. I've somewhat enough space to do so, and it's something which is fun and you get to look back at the times in your life that meant something to you. I recently went through my box of stuff I thought I'd be adding to a scrapbook at some time or another. I noticed that I didn't remember what the significance of a lot of the things were - and who really needs that many MAX tickets! I did get to reflect on some pretty good times, and show Johnathan old pictures of my family. I didn't think I'd have any proof of my youth, but it turns out there are a few photos I can pass down.

Johnathan was discussing the new cars he would like if he were to be able to get one. The BMW Z series, MINI Cooper, Mazda Miata... and then he commented that by the time we'll be able to buy a new car, we'll probably have kids and will need something practical. Seeing as how, technically speaking, we'd be able to buy a new car in six months or so... perhaps it was an exaggeration, I don't feel morning sickness or bigger boobs or anything. I am excited to realize that he does want a family with me. I mean, he's told me that and all, but to hear him voice it to someone else is pretty spectacular. While I am slightly apprehensive, I look forward to that portion of our lives with much hope and excitement. While I know I definitely want a family, it seems strange to think of myself and Johnathan as a mother and father. Although it seems weird to think of Johnathan as a husband too. Not in the whole I'm married to him, but the label itself. Having a fiancee is wonderful, and I am soo looking forward to being married and all, I'm just not sure how I feel about introducing Johnathan as my husband. Strange.

I'm sitting at work, going through a list of keywords, bored beyond belief. The only highlights of my day are breaks, lunch, and home. I am so fortunate to be in the same building with my sweet, and be able to see him from time to time throughout the day. Life seems a little duller on days we don't work together, and work goes by a lot slower.

Speaking of work, this new assignment I'm on is pretty difficult, it involves lots of numbers and processes which I tend to forget..or were never told in the first place. People don't really care if you were told or not when you're dealing with tens of thousands of dollars though. The job isn't very rewarding, but it is a lot better than the standard base of work over here which involves searching through keywords and looking for relevancy issues and disallowed products/content. I could be getting paid to do a lot worse things for a lot less money though, so I am okay. I'm pretty sure that's how Stream keeps all of it's employees... easy job, decent money..

Besides guns and early hours, there is nothing much of note. Spending too much money on unimportant trivialities, and too little money where it counts. That's about it.

-Til next time.

Monday, January 25, 2010

a bit of the past

I'm thinking that I should go back through my old journals that I have and write them out. Store them for safe keeping in the electronic world. It would also give people...person, I don't know... the chance to see who I was before I got this whole thing up and running. Before I was compelled by a Mr. Johnathan Lee to start my own blog or else explode. Bet you didn't know you were the reason? Actually you probably did.

I'll begin this process once I am moved into my new apartment 100%, or at least when my journally things make their way over.

Speaking of moving, we've got so much moving left to do! John keeps saying it'll get done, but I'm starting to have doubts. Not like we have much choice in the matter though. Right now we've got the living room and kitchen half moved. Everything else hasn't been touched other than grabbing essentials. However, the place is wrecked! There are papers thrown everywhere, and so much stuff! I think that we'll end up having quite a bit to give to Goodwill, and another lot to throw away. We need to get some sort of filing system in place because there are lots of important documents that need to be kept that are currently strewn about.

February 1st. That's the day we're looking forward to. Two full time checks with prorated rent. Yes! Enough to catch up on bills, pay all the ones due, and give my lawyer his retention fee thing. Tax returns to cover the rest of the bankruptcy and then huzzah! The past can actually be the past. Thank goodness. Last year I spent my tax return paying down my debt so that I only had 2k. Now, just one year later, I'm looking at 28k. Joy. It would have been a lot more fun of a year had I been responsible for that massive increase. Oh well.

On to bigger, brighter, and better things. Right kids?

Friday, January 22, 2010

it's been 10 months

It's that time again. The time when I get to look back and reflect over where I've been and how I've grown myself, and in my relationship over the past month.

The past couple days have been really good for John and I. He told me his going to open up his past - that I'll finally be able to know everything he's never wanted to share before. I really want to jump right into the parts I've been questioning ever since we got together, but I'm taking things slow. Already I've learned more. Another fabulous development - he brushed his teeth in front of me! I know this isn't going to seem big for any of you, but it is. He's more comfortable doing anything else in front of me, and I haven't been in the room the entire time we've been together. He just kicks me out of the bathroom and locks the door, just to be safe. Last night he said that it was all open.

It's taken us ten months to come this far. I was instantly open with him, he just has that type of personality. For most people, I do to. People tell me things, confess parts of themselves easily to me. I'm not sure why, but John just didn't. He has been secretive and vague about so very, very much. It will be nice to get to know him. Which, you know, is a good thing seeing has how we're getting married exactly six months from now.

Wow! That's a ridiculously short amount of time when you think about it. I mean, it feels like just yesterday I was calling Az asking to crash at her place because my date and I forgot it was Sunday. It feels like just last week when I received adulturous kisses on the back of my neck while browsing Powell's... but let's not think about that now!

I hope that everything can work out. That this new found openness lasts and doesn't fade like so much else in life. I hope that he can really open up to me, let me in where no one else has been before. I crave intimacy, connection, truth. I need to be trusted, to be deemed worthy. I need to know the man I'm marrying.

I love working here now, with John. There's a reason to show up, there's a reason to stay. Even though it's only an hour a day - well, less with the walking and such... but still - it seems to make everything worth while.

I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. *606*Forever*

Sunday, January 10, 2010

we're all a bit jaded

When did we all become so jaded?

Think back, far back... to a time when each day was full of emotional purity, clear thoughts, renewed hope, and limitless ambition. The world was literally at your fingertips and nothing and no one could stand in your way. Until, of course it or they did. I wonder, how is it that we can go from such innocent hope to such pessimistic views seemingly in the blink of an eye? We are eternally searching for something to fill this void we've created within ourselves. Something, someone. Is it that our optimism really is dead, or that we keep setting higher and higher standards each time we fail to meet our original? If that is the case, then we are creating this sort of catch-22 self fulfilling prophecy. Creating expectations for life, for love, we know that no one will ever reach - and then we are disappointed when they don't. With each failed project, wish, relationship we seem to set the bar for the next one even higher; furthering our perpetual sorrow and downheartedness. Which begs to question: Can a broken heart ever truly mend?

Do the scars from your past ever really fade away? We like to pretend that they do, we like to put on that face and say that we judge each day of it's own accord. But who are we kidding? Your parental doubts led to you seeking that perfect mate - and we they fell short we seek for something better - better. Why don't we simply search for something different? For something that fits our brokenness, our pessimism, our jaded perspectives?

I still feel like I was just broken up with, like my hearts on the mend - from time to time. My ex and I broke up over a year ago. Perhaps the adage from Charlotte from Sex in the City is true... we don't heal until half the total time in the relationship. Maybe this is true. Somehow I feel that a truer assumption is that we simply never heal. We go through the motions of grief, we get over the worst of it, but the shadows never really are shaken from our frame.

The more we go through life, the more shadows we collect. This isn't to say we cannot find happiness within our covered and jaded frames, that a broken heart cannot love immensely. It's just that the shadows of past hurts and failures cling to the happiness and shroud the love. Perhaps we'll reach this wise old age and find a way to dispel them all. Likelier? We go insane. Senility, Alzheimer's, what is it really than our brain finally succumbing to so much past baggage? Finally throwing in the towel.

Here's the real question. If, in our current condition, we are all so jaded; if a broken heart can never fully heal... Can we break the cycle? Is there some way to reach within ourselves and fix the broken and chipped pieces? I still have faith that there may be. Perhaps, one day, I'll be proven right. Or, I'll fail in someway that erases that faith from within. I suppose, as they say, only time will tell.