Thursday, November 24, 2011


Our family, over the years, is getting smaller - not larger. There are no new little ones prancing around infusing the air with their laughter; with the drama enveloping each one of us in our particular family units, and as a whole, it's hard to remain optimistic and cheerful.

While it was no great loss to me to have my parents removed from the family hierarchy, I know that it did affect some, especially my grandma. By taking me in, by loving and adopting me, her own son turned his back on her. She had to lose him. And, rightfully so. There were no poor judgements made and I don't think any regrets. He's no one to want around, at all, but still, he's family. With that we lost three.

With the issues lying between my Aunt Christie and Uncle Dave... there was bound to be a family member lost. However, with his death and her person struggles... we're down another two.

Each family unit has there own struggles, and causes for concern. Each has their own reasons for not being there. Yet, the holidays don't seem to feel like holidays anymore. It's not like I remember them, anyway. Maybe that's part of growing older, and maybe things will have more life when I have tiny little feet pounding their way in front of me. Maybe it's just that the family unit is not what it once was. I mean, we can't go back to what things were, and maybe it's better this way....

It's just sad, the emptiness that seems to be there even in a full house.

I am thankful for the family I do have. For the love they have of me. I am thankful that even though we (or John more so as I ran the numbers over...) owe them so much, they don't seem to hold it against us. The same goes for all the friends he's in the same situation with as well.

I am thankful that though times are hard, there's a light always at the end of the tunnel. As long as we keep working towards that light, I think everything will be okay.

I am thankful that I am one of the lucky ones. With a Thanksgiving dinner to go to, with a roof over my head, with a car to drive. With friends, family, a husband that love me and that I love in return.

Quite simply, I am thankful for love.

I am no where close to where I thought I'd be now in my life. I am getting there. And I can't say I'd trade what I do have for what I thought I would. It's been an uphill battle, but things are - little by little - falling into place. I am determined to have it all, no matter what. I am hopeful that our love will carry us through. That no matter what dark storm clouds loom, that we can hold on to a warm ray of light that is our love, and that it will be enough. It isn't always, but I have faith for us, it will be. Our love is bright, and strong, and more real than I ever imagined possible. It is nothing trivial, it is not easily abandoned. For that, I am grateful.

I hope that all of you have wonderful Thanksgivings, and that the rest of your holidays follow in suit. I wish you all the very best, and hope your world - dark as it may be - is filled with love.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Fall Update

Where to begin?

It's been since a long time since my last post, and an entire world away. I'm not even the same person that I was September 19th....

New house is amazing, everything I could have hoped for. It truly feels like home, and that's a feeling I haven't had in quite a long while. It's nice to be able to have people over and not feel any negative feelings towards where I live. We got a new living room set too, which probably helps in that. Can't feel bad when you're flopped out on a giant comfy leather sofa. Or...can you? Had a giant party to celebrate the new house and Halloween, and had someone decide to steal money from my purse. Since only two people were in our room unattended the list of suspects is just as small...but what can you do? That and John being sick for a week significantly killed our finances. Luckily our roommate Chue took us to get some groceries so we've been alright. Just barely.

New job is less than amazing. The hours leave John and I at ends trying to find time for one another. We've been managing, but it's definitely less than fun. At least we have Sundays. I tried to get a job at a daycare through an old friend, and hoped that my passion and ambition were enough to make up for lack of experience. Guess not, as I didn't even get a rejection call. Kind of has me back on the ropes. It was putting us in a sort of dilemma anyway since it would be for less money, but I was determined to work two jobs if needed so that at least one of them was in a field I have passion for and could possibly advance in.

Currently, I'm on the fence with people at work. I seem to fit in okay with the social circles in my new-hire class, although due to just wanting to spend time with Johnathan and not being in to the whole "let's get drunk and cheat on my significant other"/drama/random hook up scene I'm left feeling like an outsider as far as that goes. And, I guess, good riddance as far as the drama is concerned. There are definitely a lot of good people,  and one and one -- and away from alcohol, they all seem pretty together, or at least okay within their own right. So, for the most part, we'll keep the relationship at work I suppose, or limited to social outings where booze will be absent. Although, I've stopped receiving invites to anything so, we'll see.

Other than the new-hire class, I'm simply John's wife it seems. Everyone brings tidings of well-wishings for him, so I guess that's a good thing. But, politics there kept him from getting the recognition he deserved promotion wise - and I'm afraid that the same thing will happen to me by proxy. Stream keeps calling him begging him to come back, and I do believe that he would if we didn't need his larger paycheck at the moment. Still, there was enough behind the scenes there that kept him from moving up, and left him taken aback watching all the under-talented, under-experienced, under-intelligent individuals canoodle their way up the ladder.

We've finally got winter transportation squared away for the both of us. Time to park the bike and the Vert for the winter and let them wait for the green glow of a spring sun before emerging again. With Halloween past us, the holiday season is now in session. My birthday is followed a week later by Thanksgiving, a month later it's Christmas, then the New Year. It would appear that my resolution for last year isn't going to come to fruition. Right now, we're not really ready for it to either. Need to work on paying off the debts still, instead of constantly adding more and more as we've been doing. In a year, we'll have at least one major debt out of the way, and we'll be able to start really saving for a future. So, looks like no family for us for a few years at least. While I want to start a family, I also know that I'd be happier if I could give our kids the life that we want them to have, or at least a better one than we had for the first part of our lives. If it were to happen now, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever, but definitely would require some major reorganizing.

So...I guess that's a fair update? Not a whole lot really, but some things which have definitely altered my persona and outlook a bit. I feel older, more... grown up I guess. I look forward to the future with a different set of eyes. I look to John more and more to be the man I know he has inside, and am seeing more and more peeks at some levels of maturity. Let's hope so, he'll be twenty-seven in five months. And I, twenty-three in less than a week.

Speaking of which, not really sure what to do for the birthday. Dinner is our usual go-to at Montage or some place. Yet, finances are tight, so I'm not sure just what we'll be able to afford. Maybe we'll just grab Josh and Melissa and head down to Montage on Friday and forget the rest. Or just change it to a potlock something at my place. I dunno.

Same shit different day, and yet... not. It's all so transitional at the moment. The changing seasons - leaves scattered around, the house, the job, the cars, the new roommates, it's all such an adjustment. Such a change. Let's hope I can hold on to the center core of all that I am as the world gets caught in a whirlwind.