Saturday, March 28, 2009

Because work is so busy...

Ceder Park Place. 3br/2ba 975
-10825 Butner Road, PORTLAND OR 97225

Kings Court 3br/2ba 925
-16300 SW Estuary Dr, Beaverton OR 97006

Highland Hills 3br/2ba 860
-14100 SW Allen Blvd, BEAVERTON OR 97005

Center Plaza - 3br/2ba 935
-12388 SW Center Street, Beaverton, OR 97005

Clackamas Trails 3br/2ba 899
-10411 SE Cook CT, Portland OR 97222

St. Mary's 3br/2ba 940
-15655 SW Blanton St, Beaverton OR 97007

Shadow Hills. 3br/2ba 945
-2040 SW Vermont Portland OR 97219

Riverwood Heights. 3br/2ba 930-950
-12070 SW Fischer Rd, Tigard OR 97224

Forest Ridge 3br/2ba 845-875
-7366 SW 204th Ave, Aloha OR 97007

Powell Court 3/2 900-925
-16804 SE Powell Blvd, Portland OR 97236

Scott Mountain by the Brook. 3/2 925-945
-7828 SE Aspen Summit Drive, Portland OR 97266

La Salle 3/2 1145
-15021 SW Millikan Way, Beaverton OR 97006

Hathaway Court. 3/2 905, 3/2.5 1195
-29501 SW Meadows Loop, Wilsonville, OR 97070

Quatama crossing 3/2 980-1000
-20700 NW Trailwalk Dr. Beaverton OR 97006

Overlook @ Causey Lane. 3/2 995
-11408 SE 90th Ave, Portland OR 97086

The masters 3/2 925-975
-4505 SW Masters Loop, Aloha OR 97007

Quatama villiage. 3/2. 995-1015
-380 NW Gina Way, Beaverton OR 97006

Erections and Vomiting

Aah California. My beauty, my sweet, my paradise I long to remain in. Gorgeous and warm and salty and the best Mexican food ever - outside of Mexico that is. Let's start at the beginning, and when I get to the end - I'll stop.

I woke from my nap still very much tired, but that didn't matter. I drove to Fred Meyer to get my ness, and then to a MAX stop to pick up John and Az and go to Mat's. After idly discussing plans for moving we began to take part in extracurricular activities whilst John handcontrollered DDR. John then drove us to meet up with Az's sister for some boxes.

Az's sister is... not very Az-like, but fun I think. She did have a couple drinks in her - but I liked her well enough.

Back to Az's apartment for some last minute packing, some peoples came over - or rather person, yeah.... that person. So Az disappeared for a while.

Next day we got the car loaded up with Morgan, Az, and a trunk full of things. Off we go to Stream for final checks and good-byes. On to Winco for provisions, and hit the 5.

A lot of miles (and an averted crisis of me sleeping at the wheel) later, and some sweet pictures from Az - we arrive in NoHo at Colby's kick butt apartment. We nap, those long ass drives are tiring... upon awaking, we headed to In N Out. Nom nom nom. It was so sunny and amazing and fantastic.

We had planned on going to San Diego to fall in love with it all over again, and kidnapped Colby and Az for the ride. We were going to Sunset Cliffs, but barely missed it. So we check into the hotel room - with bunk beds!

Some Red Lobster nom Coconut Shrimp Candy... okay, it's not really candy - but it might as well be. Then we head back and Colby and John go on a run to the liquor store / heart to heart / apparently there was some giggity in nom-orifices...

We drink.
We turn in.
We giggle.
We sleep.

John wakes up to Az sleeping on the floor... what? Oh, apparently there was vomit dripping down the wall. Nice, that's classy. Haha. So we all get ready and pack up and head out. We go to a mall and wander (I got amazing board shorts and pink high-heels!) and eat (Nom Lamb curry-ness). Then we head to the boardwalk for some beach fun. God I love Cali! The beach is gorgeous the water warm - and it's March! We spend some time wading and enjoying the sun and surf and cute boys... then we head to the cliffs.

Some minor climbing and picturing and oogling later - we need some nom. So, we go and get amazing Mexican food from a little - like, permanent cart thing. So good. Sunset is over, we head back to NoHo (detour for most amazing Fry's with aquariums and shit) and take a nap while our clothes are becoming clean. Then it's back on the road again after saying goodbye to one of the few people in this world I've felt ... linked to? Something like that. I love her so much!

John drives for all of it and we talk about... well, literally everything. It was... I don't know if good is the right word or not because there still are unanswered questions which I will never ask - maybe I'll figure things out, maybe not. It was good I think though, overall. At least gave him some more insight into my point of view, something. Marco's Pizza is freaking amazing!

Once homeward we stopped at my grandma's to get some things before heading to "my" apartment. It will always be Az's in my mind.

This past week has taught me a lot. About plan "W." About living life as you want to, and not as society tells you to. Being able to leave on a whim, and feel deeply, and speak frankly (or as frankly as I can.) That just because society says something shouldn't happen, doesn't mean it won't. Just because I'm terrified doesn't mean that life will pause for me. Just because I'm shy, doesn't mean I'm not a puma.

I have values, beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors - all of which often contradict each other. I love the sun, the sand, the stars. I love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile. I love your artisticness and miss your soul being in the same state as mine. With the two of you I somehow feel completely complete, invincible, and totally okay with myself. I am strange, I am irrational. I don't make sense, and most of the time I don't care. I am afraid of everything - and I mean that. I need to be in control, yet I love spinning out of it. I need to plan, yet have been plan W'ing it for a while now.

I do not want to go back to reality. This work thing right now feels like I am acting. I wish that everything monotonous could be done with (like school - blarg!) and I could get on living as I wish. I am happy teachers get spring/summer/winter breaks. I want to travel the world. I want to float in the clouds. I want to fly. I want to read your mind.

I'll leave you saying that I am content with my life, as much as I am amazed, dazed, confused, and bemused with it. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone tonight. I don't know where I'll be in two weeks - or in 10, or in 52. All I know is that I wish I could have paused the time continuum - for just... one moment.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Taking a small break

"We watch the season / Pull up its own stakes / And catch the last weekend / Of the last week / Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced / Another sun soaked season fades away / You have stolen my heart"

I love that song. It's so beautiful and sweet to my ears, it reminds me of where I am at and where I have been. Where am I? For the first time in nearly a week I am in my own bed. This bed is so amazing, I can't wait until it is in another location more suitable for me to be in.

I have no idea when I will have the time to move into Az's apartment. Time is fleeting from my Spring Break heart. I have been moving non-stop since Thursday and Chop-chop. Brittany came, and "boy", and Wicked and tattoos and piercings, and parks, and loss of employment....

Not even in that order, and not all for me. It doesn't matter anyway, because it'd just be a ramble - well, more of a ramble if I tried to explain it all.

I will be on my way to North Hollywood in 24hrs. Azurell, my love, has been affected by another's, I don't even know - cuntness? With depleting time and monies, we will take her to the sunny land where she can be taken care of and get her feet in the corporation's giant cosmos. I can only hope it will be fun, and sweet, and amazing. 

I am spiraling, but I don't know yet if it's out of control. I'm sure that I will find out eventually. I am concerned that I have class in less than a week again, and have yet to get text books or parking permits and the like. I think that it will all be okay. Due to the numerous decisions I have been faced with - I have fully embraced plan "W."

With the powers of God, an adorable octopus, an amazing radioactive panda bear, and me - of course (Your friendly neighborhood --- I've been a jelly-fish and a llama so, I don't know) - we should be okay.

I so need a small nap I think, to keep my sanity. I will take a nap, then finish laundry and such. I already have one batch done and the inside of my car clean. W00t! 

Saturday, March 21, 2009


"And just for this moment/ As long as you're mine/ I've lost all resistance /And crossed some border line/ And if it turns out/ It's over too fast/ I'll make every last moment last/ As long as you're mine."

Aaah Wicked, you were so absolutely appropriate! The Glinda was gorgeous and amazing and wow the whole cast was fantastic! I cannot even believe the gorgeousness of the entire production, the plot and such. It was amazingly about love and friendship and life and such. Brittany's mom thought Portland was scary - but I soon showed her it wasn't. . . The nice parts around Keller at least.

How I describe the past couple days of my life? Chop chopping, cliff jumping, awkwardness with baa tommy, cheap wine, temptation to jump off a cliff myself.

Brittany tells me that I should jump - and fall or get caught or whatever will happen. Part of me wants to do so. The other part is terrified of this all, and doesn't want to be "tied down." I don't feel tied down with him - but who knows. I might feel guilty for having flirtatious eye sex with cute asians on the max if I was officially his 'girl.' Then again, maybe not.

Clint apparently called me last night at midnight. He said 'oh, hey, i am so sorry for not being in touch. please give me a call.' I don't care, is this odd? I just want to go - get my stuff, and move into Az's. Oh, Az by the way I am so doing that. Subletting. We'll figure it out with moving, I'm sure. I may not be able to give you more than half - but I'll do my best.

Brittany says it's only awkward if you make it awkward. I am following her advice for my own convenience. Chue just needs to get the gonads, etc. Anyway Brit's gonna dye my hair because Brittany, Sam, and I are all dying our hair the same color. teehee.

I think I love you too, but I won't say it until I know for certain.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Chop Chops and such

Well, no Chop Chop Night is not over, or has it started. I am, however, sitting here at work losing my mind to the monotonous nature of it all. I think I've played Bubble Bounce 100 times, but I know I haven't because I haven't got that badge yet...

It makes me ridiculously sad that my love is leaving in two weeks... She deserves it though, so I can't complain too much. Or, can I? No - I will be supportive and such like she would be for me. It still makes me sad... Mixed with a slight bit of rage at them not offering me a job when I figured I was as good as him at least. Oh well, do I really want to leave my amazingness here? Well, that depends on how amazing it's going to be when I'm unemployed and all alone...

I hope that I can salvage some of this feeling that I have now... the feeling of waking up and wanting to go to work. I love what I do, I love the people I work with. I am going to miss the desire to go to work, it is quite strange. I can't wait to exit my roasting hell... I mean, home... and enter the crispness of the morning. I'm usually running late and get to drive like a crazy person. That's always fun. When I arrive in the morning I can get hugs and good mornings. It's awesome sauce, or pants - whichever you prefer.

I think that I have gotten lucky all things considered, to be where I am at. I could be doing a lot worse. I suppose that is the theme these days. My aunt apparently has a drug problem and is in jail and my grandpa is going to collect her children. I don't know what's worse, that everyone should have seen it coming or my extreme apathetic nature. I do care about her children, they are the reasoning I am going into the education field. However, when my grandma told me I nearly became enraged when she said she was bailing her out. Are you kidding me? I wanted to let her rot as much as possible. I know her type and a bail out is not what she needs. But, whatever I'm just a punk kid who parties too much, what do I know? I suppose that bailing her out and trying to help her is the 'right' thing to do - but they've been bailing her out her whole damn life... and ... Rant. Rave. Etc.

I am going to help this person in chat now. Then I am going to hang out with people at work. Then I will drink Sake and eat food and watch movies. And cuddle.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Feeling of a cigarette in my hand as I snap a shot of the courthouse and feel smoke tendrils wrapping their arms around me. The sweetness of cloves and rasperry iced tea fills my taste buds with delight. I glance at the darkening sky and the lit trees and never want to move. I could have stayed there, leaning against the railing by Juicy Couture for ever. Listening to the bustle of the city, taking in the sheer beauty of life.

If I have any more amazing days, I might start to think that the world is an alright place full of alright people. Today I slept in til noon and didn't get out of bed til 1:30. It was nice. I showered and such and headed to Jack's. We boarded a train and skipped of to Portland. After meandering the streets for two hours we headed back on train for Voodoo Doughnuts. Mango Tangos are the key to my heart. We then smoked some cloves about it and walked through the streets. Azurell my darling love came to join us and we walked the water-front for a bit. I love Portland! The way the city feels, acts, breathes. The trees, the sky, the buildings, the street. The people you meet, the people you see. I could walk for hours - and did, for five today. We ate some "Q-dub" (lol) and walked around back to our train. Hopped on and we arrived back at Jack's. Half a beer later I was asleep. When I awoke, I drove home. The end. Or is it?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

It's only a date if it goes well, says Jack.

It's 3:22 pm on a lovely Tuesday afternoon. I am sitting on Az's computer while a boy gets ready in the bathroom. I have this dreadful sensation that as soon as I turn the key in Az's lock that this reverie we're in will be shattered forever. I've been thinking a lot of irrational things lately though, I suppose. And so I will sit here and type and get kissed and such. Yup, I would say that it counts as a date...

Now it's 1:17 am, and time to reflect and to spill all the...well, most of the juicy details. This will be a detailed account of the past two days, so if you'd like a synapsis, know that I had an amazing time with an amazing boy and that I am a happy Treasure Troll and sometimes puma.

Midterm for Biology: 1:00pm on Monday. I was so the first one done at 45min. later (75 multiple choice Qs and 2 Essay.) Oh well, I've always been a quick test taker. I hope I did okay...

Jack called and wanted to know what I was up to. I told him and he convinced me that we'd real quickly do some things and I could get on to my plans with boy. He also said he wanted to change my headlight. So, we did that and went to PCC to get him signed up for classes. The advisor did her math wrong on my graduation sheet. Oh well, I can count, and so I just need to send in the petition for graduation and I'll be good to go! So excited to be making progress. The advising session took quite a bit of time and accomplished nothing - very important I'm sure. So then I realized I need Viso. The hunt was on. Cheveron and Trader Joes were a bust - except for the divine samples and chocolate covered expresso beans from Trader Joe's. Whole Foods came through for me though, with more delicious samples.

Back to Jack's - call boy, boy had to save a life. Wow, really? I wouldn't have known what to do. You amaze me every day, boy. Boy gets on train and comes to join me at Jack's. Gosh, how do I make this not awkward? Oh, just act however I want to... okay.

Get on train. Ride around to find some food. Get lost looking for Kell's. Hear a fight or two near Portland Rescue Mission. Reboard train. Ride to Llyod Center. Boy decides to not believe my own admission at my clumsiness....and I strap some ice skates to my premature baby ankles. He schools me epically. I fall. Then we decide to go watch Watchmen. We get stuck behind this Asian lady who asks what time every movie is, what they're about, etc. Oh well, we got into the theatre on time. Watchmen was amazing. The picture was clear, crisp, and refreshing. The colors were bright and dark compliments and the movie was very well put together. The plot was relevant, philosophical, and had enough funny moments to avoid being dull. Bravo.

Out of the theatre and the mall is completely shut down. Eerie. In a need to gtfo (where the need came from I'm not sure....) we hop into a 'authorized personel only' hall. No alarms, no worries. Although I did have the urge to be a puma in some of those dark halls.

We get outside. The world is quiet, peaceful. Few lone wanders like ourselves. I'm sure in the suburbs the sky was beautifully littered with stars. I'm sure it is freezing, but I can't really feel it. Apparently, it is not Saturday. It is ours, but the world does not run on our timetable. The max cannot get me home - and cuddling with an ex doesn't seem like an amazing idea. Az! Glorious, wonderful Az. I remember her mentioning the Llyod Center is close to her home - it is late, but I call her. She answers and we walk to her abode. The walk there is full of lots of puma thoughts, along with accompaning wonderings as to where this is coming from... There is a tea bag in a puddle and the boy notices. The world is having a cup of tea, he says. Surprise me again.

Outside her door. The buzz in is not working... she will come collect us as the lady with the dog ignores us. Showers of small pecks. How I'd love a kiss. I try. I fail. Wait, what? He starts to explain as Az appears. He explains. This is too much for me to take in. I realize how awful that must make me - my feeling to run away. My initial response to stay as far away as possible combats with my desire to be with him. I realize that there are no strings attached and if it really bugs me I can always leave. No one has clipped my wings. I decide to stay. I decide to follow life where it takes me. He relates that while he is not totally against the idea, he doesn't know how to really. Oh joy, someone to mold. I think this shall be fun, if he allows me to - of course.

He makes up for the lack of true kissing. We stay up til morning chatting and eventually drift off. Az's futon is amazing - but not nearly as much as its owner. I realize how lucky I am to have these two people in my life. In the same room, at the same time. I feel.... a happiness or completeness or something else equally amazing.

In the morning we play the lazy kissing, enjoying each other game. He keeps trying to convince me that it makes more sense to jump in together. I decline, and spend my time trying to gather my thoughts. I don't really succeed. After much bending, and ... not quite breaking but definitely spraining or fracturing, we head out into the world again. I am slightly downtrodden over my lack of defense. I do have to note that... well, wow. His idiosyncrasis were made up for at least for that day. I think in the longer run we'll get past it, if not I probably won't be able to stay - not sure what that makes me as a person, probably awful. But...there are things which are very important to me and this is one of them.

We finally get the dinner we neglected the night before. It is 3:00 pm or so the day after our 'date.' We then play some air hockey, where I am schooled, followed by more looking retarded doing some fake ddr and then more failing whilest racing. Well, I didn't fail too bad except when I played the child...

Pamts. I need new ones. John decided to write a sweetery hangman style on the ones I am wearing. He takes me into Express. I so wouldn't have let him buy me anything there - seriously. AEO is more than fine. Now's probably a good time to note that it seems money is a big deal to him. The aquisition, and the showing that you have it. To me, I couldn't care less if we split everything down the middle, or had gone to Marshalls or Ross like I suggested. I know that as a boy you're supposed to show your...prowess or something. It's just not something I understand completely. Perhaps it is because that Clint got the first date and everything else was either split or purchased by me until the like... 3rd year when we had a joint account and so it didn't really matter. I'm not used to having my coat held, my doors opened, my bags carried. I will try to resist this act of chivalry for no other reason besides unfamiliarity.

While trying on pants I realize I look like a local Portlander- and not in a good way like I mean that phrase sometimes... yikes! Aren't you supposed to be pretty and polished in these situations? I suppose that I failed epically and will atone myself the next time he sees me to erase the memory of frizzied unmakeuped afro woman. At least I'm two sizes smaller than I thought I was. It could have been the brand though.

It is getting late, and a friend's birthday party is approaching. I do not want to leave his side. I quickly realize the irrationality of this. We need to SLOW DOWN. For fucks sake, Stephanie - realize what's happening. Survey your surroundings and take a breather. Slower, slower, okay. Relax. Continue - chastely this time and for a while longer.

He rides the train with me. As I suppose a good wooer would. There are some odd people that partake in public transportation. I hardly notice, my eyes are either focused outside, on him, or on the cover of the book the lady accross the aisle is reading. It is a pretty, fluffy, orange kitty. Time to drive home. Kiss. Not a real kiss, mind you. God - is it really going to bug me that much? A peck would have been appropriate for that time - unless he wanted me to need to gain composure of myself. However, I think it's the fact that he won't do it which probably makes me want it more. That double edged sword. I broke him a little bit already, and I don't think he hated it. We'll see I suppose. I am sorry if it makes you uncomfortable that I am writing about you so openly - it's just how I do.

Home. I just change my clothes, answer a few questions and am out the door. Drinking and chilling with people. As I squee over Fallout 3 and talk about Elder Scrolls and the perils of WoW; as I talk computer specs and such, I realize that only like two people know what I'm talking about. You're a gamer girl? Asks his friend's mother who someone ended up being there. I..uh... not...really? I mean I... a guy behind me answers yes for me. I realize that I have been corrupted - and that I like it.

I head home and try to decompress the past 48 hours of my life. I fail.

How did I end up where I am at? It is a place I would never think to have found myself. How could I be calling Az at midnight needing a place to stay? Az, who has become such an amazing friend I don't know what I would do without her. I only hope that she magically gets a fantastic job here so she can stay and be happy. Otherwise, I'd rather see her in No.Ho. for her own benefit. Selfishly of course I hope she doesn't get it - but that's not fair to her, and she deserves all the world. When I first met her I would have bet money this wouldn't have happened. I cannot express in words how happy I am that it did. She is fun and supportive and ... amazing!

Then there's you. You have me so intrigued I need to come back for more. You who weakened me into a pile of goo beneath your touch. You who seem so sure at times and fragile at others. Where on earth did this come from? You pulled me in long ago with your writing, your interest in mine. You were silly, and always said things which made me want to know the whole story. You are reserved yet ridiculously outgoing. You make me think things, and feel things, I haven't in a long long time - if ever. This scares me, terrfies me straight through my entire being and into my core. Please, let us simmer. Smallest of small steps. If I fall too fast I might resent myself, or you. Something I never want to do.

Breathe in, breathe out. Publish post.

Monday, March 16, 2009


Az - If you want, I will stay up all night with you adventuring! How's next Monday turning into Tuesday sound, or Tuesday turning into Wednesday?

I read Az's blog and it got me thinking... It's been... four years since I've stayed up and watched the sun rise. There is something about that quiet dawn hour, when the world rustles to life that is nearly magic. The way the sun slowly rises and turns the grey world into something you can taste. The feeling like you're part of something that all those people snug in their beds aren't. It's almost a connection with nature, even if you're in the city. It's the way that the air is so cold and it feels amazing. The way the birds chirpping envigorates your senses, the ground feels alive beneath your feet. Whoever you're with seems different, better, more wholesome and cleansed - if even for a moment or two, and you don't know if it's because you feel amazingly wonderful or if its just the world you're living in. 

Tomorrow I will not be staying up late enough for such events - reading to children on Tuesday early. Next week - none of the kids are there - I'm golden. I want to taste these moments with my darlings. I want to somehow have the money and the time to spend every night playing chicken with the sun. I want to taste that dawning moment.

For now, I need to go to bed. Tomorrow should be fun.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

A comment

"I want to share with you words of wisdom. Not because I'm her friend, or because I truly dislike him, but because I hope that in some way, my experience can help someone in this situation. I have been in your place, as I have hers. I was the selfish one who broke the bonds of a friendship, or a love, that I had no business being in. I have also been the one waiting at home crying myself to sleep over someone I loved more than I had ever loved anyone else in my life. The sad truth of that matter is, both cases were over the same guy. You may feel guilty now, horrible, yet oddly exhilarated, but in the end you will end up as she is now. Again, this isn't meant to be malicious towards you or him, but walk into whatever may come of you and him with the knowledge that he has done this before, and he is likely to do it again."

The sad thing of the matter is that I have been in both places as well. While I can't say I have had no part, I feel I have done my best to remain neutral. And I now understand the world better for being in this position. Had I not, I wouldn't be able to see the torment that Clint went through. When he told me he was hurt and struggling and loved me I didn't believe him. Now I know that he did, and was trying to end it the only way he knew how - and perhaps the only way there is. Instead of harboring an incessant hatred for him, I know that he provided me with the platform upon which I can now build. He was the wind beneath my wings, but I can still fly. Perhaps it will end poorly. Perhaps it will never start. All I know is that I am along for the ride.

I wish that this ride could have been a little less full of drama, but I truly believe everything happens for a reason. If I had never seen the other side of the situation I still would be in denial perhaps, and never would have understood the duality that exists in all people. I have not broken the bonds of anything, that much I can say. The bonds were crumbling and I tried to save them, I didn't want to see a friend go through what I had. I don't know how that friendship shifted or changed, but who am I to judge - it did. I do feel guilty, not for the relationship ending, since I played no part in that; but for the pain that she feels knowing I exist. I feel horrible because I know how she feels, and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I feel horrible because I wanted their, and all, relationships to succeed. I feel horrible that I developed these feelings too soon, rather than after he had ended it. It really doesn't matter in the end - everything plays out like it is supposed to. Everything is a learning experience.

I know that it hurts right now. That you feel like your world has no purpose, that you you feel you aren't who you thought you were. I struggled, a lot at first, with thoughts of suicide. I truly believed I was with the one I was supposed to be with for all time and that he was the only thing worth living for. I wouldn't let go of the relationship. I kept trying to figure out the why of it all. I lay in bed and didn't sleep, I would just cry. I couldn't eat, not without vomiting any way. In hindsight, however, I can see the erroneous flaws our relationship had. Love is blind. I thought that he was my soul mate. I didn't see the double standards, the capturing and containing, the mind games. No, it wasn't all bad, and some of our relationship was quite good. However, in the end it comes down to basic underlying tenants of loyalty, compatibility, trust, honesty, kindness, and love. Love means so much, but, as much as I'd like to believe it is not everything. If you aren't compatible in a relationship with one another, no matter how long it lasts it will not work out. If you don't feel like you can be honest with someone, trust them no matter what or where, it simply won't work out. If you don't have 100% loyalty to the other person: mind, body, heart, and soul - and if they don't reciprocate those feelings - it won't work out. There was a time when I thought love would conquer all. While without love there cannot be much, it is not the end all. 

I cannot think anymore on this - as I do have much homework to accomplish. I need to graduate in June to stay with my plans....whatever they'll happen to be when June rolls around. I am still maintaining my current philosophy of floating along this river and going wherever it takes me. Right now it is taking me in a direction that is difficult, but is soon to become better I think. I can't explain it in words exactly how I am feeling - language fails yet again. As my friend Randy said, if language could accurately portray the thoughts and feelings I am having - no one would disagree with me. That could sound highly egotistical, but I don't at all mean it that way.

Even though I should be sleeping

I know, I know, I should be sleeping. I shouldn't have gone out with my Asians. I should have done my homework, I should have found a way to stay awake. Well - yes all these things are true. However, I decided to play the selfish card and go get books and pizza.

I find it strange how he can make me forget. Forget that I have a five page paper due tomorrow night and a Biology test on Monday. Forget that she's waiting at home with a broken heart. Forget that my heart had ever been shattered. Forget that I'm self conscious, that I'm broken, that my baggage weighs a million pounds. Some of the forgetting I like, lost in conversation or the accidental touch of his hand. Some of the forgetting I forget that I need to remember. Delicate-ness. I can't believe I am 'that girl' or as I so eloquently stated when I was in her place; 'that fucking whore.'

I try to trick myself into thinking that somehow, because it's me - and I don't mean any harm - that it's different. Yeah, no. Just because there hasn't been a breech of physicality necessarily doesn't mean that emotional transgressions (usually worse) haven't taken place. It doesn't make it any better that if I could, I'd sacrifice whatever there might be brewing to make her not have to feel like I know she does.

I do understand a lot better the actions that transpired during my own epic and awful breakup. I hate him slightly less, perhaps. To be honest, I haven't really thought of him lately. I mean in a - that reminds me of that time when I, kind of way - yes, but not like...before. I know now that maybe he did really care and sat there confused and perplexed and saddened not knowing the right things to say to let me know that he still loved me but we were done. I don't know... it makes me feel marginally better to think that.

I love being a treasure troll. The fact that this came out of the duct work. I believe the expression is, is strange, but cool. Like Az being one of my bestest friends - who woulda thunk it? Not us, that's for sure -  but it works, I think. Perhaps this will work to, perhaps not. I might just crumple under the drama and second guessing myself and feeling like a whorish home wrecker. At the moment, I am having fun. I am going to ride with the current of life and let things slide into whatever place they see fit.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Because I don't feel like I should be sleeping

I'll post another rambling. I don't really feel like a whore exactly.... but there is a definite measure of guilt. I had completely forgotten about your ness and everything - and the fact that you were not supposed to spend the night as you did. I am completely selfish, and I am sorry. I thought of myself and that I didn't feel like driving, and the fact that I really wanted to spend the night as we did. Again, completely selfish. I am so confused and perplexed and amused and aggravated by everything. This could be so much simpler - however, it isn't. Perhaps, if it was, there wouldn't be anything there anyway. I don't know, and I'm not sure where all this stemmed from - maybe if I did it would be easier to nip it before any more damage can be done to your relationship with her. I feel so responsible for everything. I'm not even sure if you're still in a relationship with her, and, last night I didn't even care. Perhaps it was the vodka loosening my strong moral code to sort of a... brain fondue. I really wanted nothing more than the snuggles and kisses and such, and I didn't think that she was sitting there alone with her world falling apart. God, it really is an interesting point of view from this side of the fence. I'm not sure how to proceed from this point, if I should proceed, or if I should just push you away. I really don't want to, but it's not all about me. Selfishness may help you along the path of your own greed, but it doesn't help other people's lives and better humanity as a whole - which is my goal. I am so sorry for everything, and no I can't blame any one or any substance for my behavior. I honestly haven't felt this happy in a year or more, which sheds a lot of light on several different things. I know, that for the most part, you are to thank for this.

Not to mention my "fucking awesome" friends with their amazingness, I love all of you so much! However, my main perplexment is over above person, and we're working through it internet blogging style - so my gush for you will have to be put on hold - sorry darlings.

I'm not sure if it is all the subtle things you do that make me feel like I am awesome. The fact that you've somehow come into my life with like a crazy chop chop and cut away all the bindings that I didn't even know existed. The aggravating way you share just enough of yourself to keep my coming back to try and fill in the blanks. The fact that you've done and seen so much, or so it would seem and I can steal knowledge from you by proxy.

Hm. I definitely am fucking crazy. We're up to three times now, right? I shouldn't even be having these thoughts/feelings at all, should I? Fuck. Guess it doesn't matter - we've got a month left, and then never to see each other again, right?

I was trying to decide...

between reading my book or sleeping, and decided instead to blog about the amazing amazingness of last evening.

Not that I would do any of the three @ work of course!

Bowling was fun? I think. Yes, it was. I didn't use bumpers and I think I got close to a 100 each game. Which, for me, is quite well. There were black lights and lazers and dancing. The ocassional sly arm brush or pet as well. Win. Not to mention the stealing sips from other people's drinks and getting mildly "sauced."

Since my grandmother apparently is racist, or sexist, or something we ended up at Az's (John, Myself, and Jeff (with a J of course!)) oh, and Az, but that should be a given. We finished - oh, I don't know - half bottle of this, half bottle of that. Pye danced on Jeff's head for a while, and also nibbled my behind. The overall night consisted of boob play, petting (of the cranial kind) and much fun. A kiss - even though it was totally just a peck - was definitely the highlight times a lot, even though my heart beat so fast as to give away my..something. Perhaps the highlight could also be the cuddling all night long. I did my best to not feel like a whore.... I succeeded for the most part. I'm not sure how I can feel like a whore since she's moving back home - what today? - and there's been no sex and won't be - but still... I dunno.

Should I care? I'm not sure. It was so nice, and - for only 3 times, what? I know I'm crazy and all on your average every day scale - but, really? Oh well, I've decide to not care. Today, or rather, this moment at least. It was awesome sauce and I haven't been this happy in... oh goodness, years.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I believe I am a 13 year old girl

With the giddiness and the butterflies, I feel so incredibly ridiculous. There have been times in my life when what you just said would have made me uncomfortable. And, to be honest, it did a little. Only because I can't control how you feel, and I have this extreme desire to be in control. I, myself am spinning out of it.

I am glad to hear that I am not your social experiment. I could see you doing that to someone, perhaps, and it does make me happy that it is not me. You don't need to know my inner workings, I believe that is why they are 'inner' and not outer. That I can even matter at all, makes me feel giddy.

Frightened. Yes, you could use that word. I am terrified, scared, reluctant, apprehensive. Yes, excited too. Excited for... I'm not sure exactly, but I have a new found energy and desire to take on the world.

Who does this? Us apparently. I think it was in that moment actually that I realized how my 'inner workings' were indeed working. Which makes it almost easy to rationalize as an association. It's becoming increasingly hard to do so.

You couldn't make a fool out of yourself by being honest, and, for the moment at least I'm accepting it as honesty. I am one for honesty, even if it is spoken in metaphors and everywhere but in the bush. Yes, I think you decoded yourself very well, indeed. For now I cannot even focus on this so important 'work' which I'm supposed to be doing.

Ah yes, I had completely forgotten that I'm being a dirty whore by entertaining these notions in my mind. I shouldn't do that, forget. For in forgetting I become the thing in this world which I despise the most - and fear that hating myself is immanent if we continue on as we seem to be.

It is nice to hear your voice, to see your smile. To feel those butterflies and pitter-patter. However, I am all for nothing.

I know that I need to pause. I'm tumbling so fast, I need to catch my breath. To realize, to analyze, to compromise - perhaps. I need for you to be happy, to make sense of the world in which you are roaming - even if the sense you make is nonsense. I need to come to a place where I can stop. Stop analyzing, stop rejecting, stop reading so much in to every thing. Stop fidgeting, stop wondering.

Even now I turned my "squee! teehee" into something darker, for in my happiness at decodation, I had forgotten.

P.S. I would rather be looking for literature and eating pizza, though. What does that mean?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


I decide, fuck it, I'm not going to bury anything at all. Just free fall into a crisp pool of openness. Yeah, that didn't work. 

I have this very strong feeling she isn't going anywhere, and you're just pulling me into some sort of social experiment because you want to see how I'll react. I'm not sure if  this is my brokeness (as Az claims it to be) or reality. I wish I had the balls to ask you, but unfortunately I was born without that certain anatomical set.

Driving home I realized that I have a lot of stigmas regarding intimate physical relationships, and that one will probably be hard for me to accomplish. On the same note, I realize my extreme need for a close emotional relationship with someone.

Is it possible to have someone you bond with emotionally on an intense and nearly spiritual level, who also understands your physical hangups? I really would like there to be. Eh - probably not. Perhaps I am more broken than I thought.

It's just this concept of sex I don't understand. To me, it is the bonding of two souls, the ultimate expression of love. To guys, and just about every body else these days- it's merely this physical thing of "blowing a load" or whatever the case may be. I guess that religion thing seeped deep down into something somewhere. Or, again, more broken than I thought.

You say you can't tell who these are about? Really? Am I honestly that good at masking myself in layers of sweet enigma-ey goo? Covering myself in a flaky crust of vagueness? I didn't think so, but apparently I am. Or your extreme desire of them not to be about you masks the fact they are.

Wait, did I just say that?

I am sorry if you waste your time with my like billion posts a day

I really am. I'm trying to go to bed, and I keep thinking over and over... 

What did this mean? What does that mean? That couldn't have been for me, could it have? Why am I full to the brim with buzzing butterflies one moment, and hollow the next? Am I vain?

Was it like this before and my eyes just became opened? Did everyone really change that much towards me? 

If I don't like him, why won't he get out of my head? Is it all just a game? Is he nothing more than a puzzle I have to solve? A riddle?

What about the other him, why do I feel such an incessant desire to open his brain and delve inside? Will it be comforting? Terrifying? We've only spoken a dozen words to each other, does reading someone's thoughts count? What was the comment, the post about? Did my own vagueness inspire something so vague no one will ever know? Deleted, why? Will I ever actually be able to pry? Will I have the balls? Am I wallowing in self pity? Am I so broken I can't even see it? 

Will we stay together? Will we fall away? The internet, is is strong enough? Without common ground can we still be friends? Will we even lose that common ground? Will our employer make the right decision?

Where am I going to go to school? What am I majoring in? Do I double major? How am I to do it? Where do I live? Work? Is the potential gain worth the guaranteed loss? Is there anything left to lose? Is there even anything to gain?

How was I able to be so honest and open? Have I changed, or is it just my perception? Is perception reality? Am I reality? Who decides what is fact and what is illusion? Why?

Is there a God? Does he love me? Do I anger him by my collage of beliefs? Delight him? Will he touch me as he did in the past again? Do I have to hold on to that one feeling to last forever? Was it all in my mind?

Does he really think I'd let him go? Is it really so trivial? Isn't it? Could I walk away the day our client does? Never look back? Would it all fade? Will I ever find what I'm looking for?

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?

Because it's that time of night...

You get a new blog! Not much to report on today, actually. After the reading I took a nap and tried to work on my speech ALL DAY LONG! I finally finished (mostly). I still need to write my 'speaking outline' and create a visual aidness.

I am moderately worried about Biology, I sort of pulled a giant slacker move. I've been to class 3 times. The first day, and two test days. I haven't opened the book. Somehow I got an A on the first test, don't know what I did on the second. We did make a study group, so that should motivate me I hope. Motivation would be nice.

I need to read a book for my Woman writers class, it's pretty short so I should be able to accomplish that and the five page essay along with it.

Speech Final - 3/11, 5:30pm
English Final - 3/15, 11:50pm
Biology Final - 3/16, 1:00pm

Wish me luck! I'll be a lot less stressed out and able to relax on 3/17 

So, just to make sure I know what we are doing this week....
Thurs: Dinner with Sarah/Michael/Galen
Fri: Cosmic bowling? Valley lanes? This needs confirmation.
Sun: I think I'm hanging with Dex. I could be a week early, though.

So I'm available Sat! Sweet. Anyway, that was more for my benefit than yours. 

Good night my loves! Don't be scared to be vulnerable. You might find those around you more supportive than you think.

Here's a link to a song I remembered today. I love it!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Can't we read...just one more?

Katie is wearing me thin. It's not her fault, and I know this. She is very much so ADHD and jumbles all her letters around. She doesn't want to take the time to sound out words or bother asking me what they are. So her reading consists a lot of mumbles and dropped letters which I then have to make the decision to ignore or go over. If we were in a room, locked for an allotted time, with no interference - She would do well, I think.

Today my darling Viviana's teacher put a note in her folder saying that she hasn't improved, and is two grade levels low. I honestly don't know what drugs she's on... Viviana can read every book we have. If she doesn't know a word, she sounds it out. If she doesn't know the meaning of a word she asks, and is able to retain that information. So... not sure what else I can do except buy her higher level books... Today she was doing state testing so Lyle pulled students from another class.

This is where I met Gage. I saddened little boy that looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I immediately wanted to hug him and shower him with happiness. He picked out a Clifford book, and I began to read to him. (He's only in kindergarten so, yes.) After the first book he grabbed another, and looked slightly less sad. After Are You My Mother, he grabbed Oh the Places You'll Go! or see... or something. Honestly, one of the best kid books ever and totally relateable to my life. Like, a lot. I was like -- wow, awesome. And then he picked up the Giving Tree. I almost started crying, it's so sad the boys just an asshat and the tree gives so much. That's how life is, you give and give until all you are is a stump. When that was over we were 5 min. past time, and he had grabbed another book. I tried to lure him away, but he just got really sad. He was actually smiling and happy and such by the end of the Giving Tree. Lyle had to trick him saying he could read more if he asked his teacher to get him to leave. Even then Gage was very hesitant. I fell in love with that little boys sad face and his quiet demeanor. 

I've been trying to decide what grade I want to teach and get my cert's in. After the pee boy of last week I didn't think that I could handle elementary school kids. Now, I'm not so sure. If I could get the same measure of reward I got by seeing Gage's eyes start to brighten and make him go from emo-ness to smiling -- I may very well have to choose elementary school as my interest area. This is hard!

Oops. I'm sorry.

I feel so off. That's kind of the only way to describe it.

Emo, depressed, conflicted, confused, dejected, and terrible are a few adjectives you could use. None of them quite fit, and there isn't a word in any language I know that does.

I wish that I had gotten to know her better so I can hug her like I know she needs. I feel so utterly responsible for the situation that she's in. I know that for the most part I'm not, but God it sure feels like I am.

The absence of her makes everything so much more -- open. I almost feel obligated now, to keep feeling the things that I felt. I honestly don't know if I am a she devil or not. Can I have feelings for someone one day, and none the next? It would appear that way. Did saying them out loud make them disappear? Was it realizing that I am one shallow mother fucker? I mean, I'm not so great myself - what right do I have to judge others? Fuck, I am messed up.

Really, really messed up. How am I just realizing the extent of my fuck upperies now? I don't know, I did pitter patter when speaking of things to my fucking awesome friends. I'm confused.

I am mildly crushing on two boys actually, one more recently and not as strongly as the other. Both have girlfriends. Well, one doesn't so much anymore. The same one seems more able to retaliate my emotional craziness, but I cannot be too sure of anything. Only one thing is certain.

If they knew who I really was, they'd run. Not just the two aforementioned boys, everyone.

Like my dear friend Gabe... there's such a long story there, I don't feel like novel writing. In summation we've liked ea. other (Or I have him, is all I can vouch for, really) for like 4 years. I began liking him about 3 months into my relationship with Clint. When school ended and such I would think of him in waves, then when we started hanging out again - it was strong. We talked, smoked a ridiculous amount of cigarettes and left with another time another place. I am now without Clint and Gabe's dark and grouchy towards me. I went to playfully pull his tie to pull him towards me for a hug and he just got super angry about me touching his tie or something. I could have cheated on Clint to have him, but I wouldn't cheat for anything. Guess I missed my fucking opportunity - wow, literally.

I really want someone to cuddle with and to hold me. To make me feel normal and sane. I just don't think I'm ready. I jumped into the pool and found it exhilarating frigid, I set myself free. Let's keep it that way - for a good long while. Until... I stop comparing people to Clint, yes he was a jerk at times, and not too terribly bright, but he made up for it in other ways.. God I am a shallow bitch. I can't even believe my own shallowness. I honestly thought I wasn't shallow, I did. Apparently I am ridiculously so. Awesome. FAIL! No one can meet these twisted standards I have set myself. Why can't Brittany be a smoking hot male? I am so completely disgusted with myself, it's almost sickening.

So, in summation - everything is fun and games in idle talk and feelings. When the opportunity presents itself with the loss of a significant other things crumble apart because reality sets in. At least, that's kind what I'm thinking.

We'll give it time to mull around before making any decisions, plans, commitments, or otherwise. I wish I could combine aspects of all of my guy friends together to make the perfect boy friend. All my guy friends are amazing in their own ways... goodness that would be fun.

Sorry to disappoint anyone who thought I was different than who I am. Who thought that my intellectual merit and desires actually were valid. To anyone who saw me through the smoke and mirrors. I wish I was that person.

I wish I was, oh so many things.

Monday, March 9, 2009


It's all over in a little over a month.

No, she didn't make it, or start rumors, or try to create drama. Although, you did. I'm glad you know someone in management - that's fucking dandy! I don't give a fuck, and neither does anyone else. I'm delighted you think you know everything about anything, it makes me feel even better to watch you fall on your face.

I don't know if you've just been having some form of a male menstrual cycle lately, or if being in close proximity to you just let me see who you really are. I didn't think you were all that bad a couple months ago. 

It was the comment that I wouldn't know something because I'm female that you thought was so witty that really set me off. Excuse me? You, who think oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide and other gases have no gravitional pull. Ri-ight. Although after everyone else realized what a fuck-tard you were being, I think you know that now.

That's not the only thing, but one that I can readily pull to mind. I love how you do nothing at work except dick off online, but I can't have someone hang out with me momentarily while this happens. Don't want to interupt you while your busy 'showing' someone 'what's up' online. God forbid!

I honestly wasn't too concerned with the whole popular scene in high school, and so, while there were a few girls who disliked me for being friends with their boyfriends, I didn't have too much to deal with in terms of people being bitches because they were jealous. I did, however, have to see that a lot. You're worse than those girls who made other people miserable to make themselves feel better. They just imparted emotional scarring -- you could cost people their job and livliehood. 

It probably is you who's going to management and creating devestation and stress for a close friend of mine, and a close friend of hers. I'd pretty much be willing to put money on it. If you don't like me - fine. Get over it, it's honestly not my fault that people want to come hang out with me and the others I call friends. Myself and my friends are fucking amazing people who deserve to communicate with other fucking amazing people. Sorry that you feel dejected, honestly, I couldn't care less anymore.

God, I'm all flustered and need to relax. So, I am going to go get coffee with one of my fucking amazing friends that just called me. I'm not going to talk with you or debate any of this, because we all know how that's going to go. You denying it. Just like you denied you fucking off and accomplishing not one damn thing at the last meeting. Everyone else inputted and cared. You "put your foot down" and tried to focus an already focused group. God you must hate yourself or something. I suppose I should feel sorry for you, maybe you didn't get enough love as a child... oh wait, neither did I and I'm not being an asshole... Well, whatever caused you to hate yourself so much you feel the need to control other people, I'm not sorry. I make no apologies... and.. fuck off? 

Yeah, I think that's about it.

Because I just have more to say...

I wish Az was online so I could talk to her. Stupid work existing. 

I don't need drama at all, I don't need someone to protect me, to watch over me. I need me, myself, and I - and I don't care how cliche that is. I need to wake up alive, stretch and survey the world around me. If I can continue to do this until the day that I... wake up dead, I guess, I think I can be content. I am an observer of life - which occassionally makes me feel like I am not part of it. I appreciate those that force me to acknowledge the fact that I am human. You each have yourself a paragraph in a prior entry. 

Feeling the need to backstep, unwind, and undo isn't something I like. I am having this feeling to a small extent at the moment. The consequences were not clear to me, perhaps the logical and apprehensive portion of my brain was frozen at the moment. I never wanted to cause dissonance, I cannot imagine myself a home-wrecker.

Take a step back. Breath. Figure out just who you are. You're working on it, sure, but you are not yet there my darling self. Not wanting to be with Clint doesn't mean you need to have a want to create anything with anyone else. Do you really want to, anyway? Can you imagine yourself in various situations? Perhaps you can acknowledge the feelings and have nothing more than a friendship. Perhaps. If it is not possible, it may be best to kill the feelings. Simpler that way. Less brain matter and blood to clean out of the carpet. 

I have the feeling that someone was right. While it is nice to be complimented on occassion, the incessant complimentation makes me feel like a chunk of meat at the market. Compliment me on my wit, my intellect, my knowledge, my wisdom, my insights. Make me feel like I can move you with my pen and ink..or keyboard, as the case may be. This is how you create in me the lack of disappointment. This is how I know that you're not just some cock looking for a lay. Even if you wouldn't ever touch me in a sexual manner, it doesn't matter... because you would. 

I honestly don't find myself to be an attractive person, and doing things that make me feel pretty are fun for me. If I can feel like I look like someone that is confident, perhaps I'll gain some myself. This is how I play my game.

If I seem like a ditz, an empty shell for a skull - you're right. If I seem like a manipulative, backstabbing bitch, you're right. A fallen angel, with tears like ice; a fiery fiend with a passionate heart; down to earth; stuck up proper; concieted and narcissistic; humble and plain; temptress of desire; one of the guys. I am all these things and so much more. Whatever you think I am, you're right. To quote Eminem -- because that song just came into my head... "And I am /whatever you say I am /If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? "

I'm going to go get dressed for my day of doing nothing except school work, and listen to some music to clear my head.
For some reason I am getting the feeling that I am missing something. And I quote, " Some people don't seem to realize a difference between simply being inspired by something and wanting to stick your dick in something. Don't be so fucking insecure." 

I can surmise things based on prior things, but none of it really makes sense to me.... *GRUMBLE* Did I, by proxy, break something? Or am I just being egotistical in thinking that this could in any small way be related to me. I'm going with the fact that the next entry reads very angry and fuck this I'm out, that perhaps as I got him into it, in a way it's not just my overinflated (at the moment) ego reigning in to say hello. The next bit goes to mention of who is jealous, and why? There is only one person who would fit this mold, I think... but there is no why to go behind it. Then I wonder if it was all just misinterpretation. Jealous over ooglers or something is one thing (and was what I was referring to in priorness), A...sort of friendship I suppose you could say that was barely even forming, and more just based on a an entirely different thing which no jealousy should arise from.. there's no chains holding me down, darling.

In sharing his blog, it led to mine, which caused a smidgen of inspiration. The revelation of honesty and vagueness to protect the innocent and guilty alike. It really has felt to me like as soon as I through it into the open waves of the internet that I am washed of it. Or, cleansed by it and therefore able to not dwell on things which would weigh me down. It's nice to have that feeling. Why shouldn't he have it too?

I just got so tired of fitting this mold that everyone seemed to have, sitting in their cage with my wings clipped. I long to fly free and without inhibitions slowing me down. The dueling between two sides has always raged within me, but I found it interesting that someone who seemed so sure of themselves, and so seemingly intact could feel the same. Gave me a shot of hope. Now, because of something, that I don't even know, I don't get that insight anymore. Hmph. Oh well, I suppose. It really is each to his own. Still... I am left wondering how I can fix it. When I don't even know that I am the problem, and I am more than likely not. If I can fix it, you'll know what this whole ramble was about, let me know? Or, just pick up your insightful ramblings - public for mine eye to read, or private in your own world, you shouldn't stop.

66% Treasure Troll, 100% fun

Where should I start. Generally one starts at the beginning and when they get to the end, they stop. However, I'm not sure when the beginning started, and don't know when it will end. I will then document the day b/c a lot of funness happened I believe...

Let's take it straight to the end of the day of work. That seems a good place to start. Tyler totally made a blog! He's as emo as the rest of us, yay! Well, not emo necessarily, I've been using that word as all encompassing lately. It doesn't matter because it totally made me happy.

Chue decided to come with John and I on our adventure. John was being kind of emo, so I didn't think that much would happen - boy was I wrong... So we drove out to the old apartment complex. The pool area was locked every which way, so John hopped the fence to see if the water was clean enough for said swimming activities, it was. Crap, I totally wasn't wanting to do this really... Oh well, I said I would and it makes a great story!

John broke the gate open and we --or rather I as John's trunks are mia -- changed into more suitable swimming clothes. I dipped a toe in the water and looked at the sky of stars above. The air that made my breath cloud the picturesque heavens was warmer than the water caressing my toe. Fuck! I look at John who is determined. Chue's like. "Do it?" and counts down....


Kill me now! I begin to swim and start to feel heavy. Lead heavy. My internal organs start to contract with painful intensity as my skin all rushes inwards towards my chest. "Out now!" screams my heart with it's feeble beat. I get out and feel like I've been stuck with a million ... thumbtacks (it's the most recent feeling I've been stuck with...) The towel Chue hands me feels like razors across the skin. I slip my shoes on my feet and feel them cry for mercy. Hobble, hobble. 

Warmth, burning my flesh. I'm hyperventilating somewhat by this point. Oh, yes, there's a sauna. Turn it on and step inside. Eventually feeling returned to extremities. It's a test. A test? For serious? You're crazier than I thought, and manipulative? 

Lay it on the table using metaphors, what ifs, hyperboles, and the like. Forwardness not needed in these intellectual circles. Until it is. Wow, that should have been way more awkward, all things considering...and the fact Chue joined in. Oh well. 

I don't date, play games with, or touch the penises of boys that have girlfriends. It's not my style. I still don't think basketball is a very good idea either. His jealousness and flattery really made me happy though.

Drying off and dressing, walking to the apartment. My kitties need a bath, they're looking a little greasy. Oh, look Clint's actually home. Hm. Grab some things and leave, totally done. I expected to feel...something other than nothing for him. I mean, I'm upset about the situation still moderately, but I think I'm realizing he wasn't who I thought he was. Or he's changed so much it's just...gone. He doesn't deserve me, even less now that I'm getting a picture of who "me" really is. I think...dare I say?... I like this picture that is appearing before mine eyes.

Back to car, drive drive. Got some AppleBees. Made  a new word "Motorboatable." Our server liked it so much he gave us drinks for free. The first time my random word making has actually paid off. Swell! 

Drive drive (insert blank spot for the event that totally didn't happen (me treating a red light like a stop sign)). John checks MAX schedule. Trimet Fail. Drivin to Gresham. Lalala. Listening to the radio, then Tool, then the radio. Canhazpeenow!!! Enter John's apt. "Er, hi Emily?" God, fail. Not as in God fails because he doesn't. Manner of expression, or something.

Getting watched as I pull away (paranoid/protective/something much?) I'd be driving still if John hadn't been like 'Here take my phone. No I will not just look up directions you are getting them live." The GPS hates under/over passes, it gets confused. I thought it was funny.

Home and I'm like wtf mate?! I jumped into freezing cold water, openly admitted my feelings for someone with honesty and without awkwardness or regret, bonded more with the Chuester, drove to Gresham, and ended up home alive.

My body is in absolute pain right now. The water thing may not have been the smartest thing in the world, but I'll tell you something... it was liberating. The jump played in slow motion as I loosened all ties to the 'old self' and plunged into the freezing waters of uncertainty. It was like a baptism, and very symbolic of everything. My shirt made me laugh then, a frozen (literally!) heart. 

I'm not sure if anything will come out of this. All I know is that I am okay with how I am doing, feeling, and existing. I need to be mildly less degenerate...but overall, I am happy. I don't care who sees my insides, or reads me like a book. I think...for once... I am content to simply exist, as myself.

After all, I am 2/3 a Treasure Troll.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Enigma wrapped in mystery's how I like my toast

I am now making a new rule!

In order to maintain my sanity, my vague anonymity, and so forth and so on...
Life Behind teh Mask will not be accepting decoding questions.

I know, what a shocker. I do like actually being able to rant, ramble, exclaim, and twirl things over in my own way. It's awesome therapy, actually.

If you think something is in regards to you, or someone you know - you're probably right, but you could be wrong. The fun part is that I do what I want because I am claiming my internets!

Through my writings I am working to achieve self actualization, Maslow's hierarchy of needs style. Which, since people are reading can be interesting. I do like to entertain, however, while also offering people an insight to my complicated antics and analytical style.

However, based on the fact that my heart beat rapidly then died, I think something might be dribbling around. You know what, though? Taking my fuck it attitude with this as well.

How does apathy equate to self actualization? This is something which is yet to be discovered, the journey should be interestingly fun and I'm glad to have you along for the ride!

I'm a horrible person

If I was my friend I'd kick my ass, and someone probably should.

I am utmostly crossfaided right now. Are you kidding me. Jello shots and Larissa's killa weed for the combination of not driving capable. And totally drove to Az's and home. Fail. 

The bumping of the road filled with gorgeous lights somehow made me think of erotic poetry. To which I wrote some in the fibrous membrane of my brain, which then made me crazy horny. You will regret writing that tomorrow. I don't give a flying fuck! So anyway, yes, and that was interesting. Or rather the mental connotation displayed through the optical lobe to my mind's eye was of interesting merit and/or note.

I really shouldn't get stoned where there are people who I find annoying sober there. It makes me want to hurt them badly. Also, I am super analytical of everyone and shouldn't be around people unless they are as chillaxed as I am. Probably best to stick to people in general. Oh what do you know? Actually Danielle seems like she was in my mindset. Possibly. The clock just donged twice but it's totally day light whatever times! Oops. I should be sleepin. 

Instead I'm going to enjoy this amazing high, I better get something out of  being a fucktard. Except for the fact that I don't have a lock on my door and there's someone wandering in the general living area and I don't know who it is! Eep!

Degenerate Fuck. Yeah, probably. With the average of like... 3hrs/night for the past couple nights you shouldn't have even drank at all and peaced out early. Yes, definitely. Fuck, at first the double thing was a playful writing tactic - now I'm doing it again w/o realizing it. You simpleton! 

I . . . worry about, am confused regarding, forget about, dislike, love like a sister, grr at, laugh at, am managed by, am amused by, fuck if i know, girl crushed on, adore, am slightly indifferent to, used to be physically attracted to, update to, wanted to fuck in the past, live with, admire, am going to miss like crazy, date, want to murder, miss less than expected, used to know, love, used to adore, was managed by, crushin on possibly, used to love, have a present from, pixilate with, am perplexed on, am envious of, am creeped out by, am bemused by, wish I knew more of, am flattered by, haven't talked to in forever, hung out with, made happy by, owe a game to, lived with, phailed with, am e-stalked by, am soul sisters with, used to crush on, tweet to, and pray for YOU!

Wow, that will only make sense to me. Yay! I don't remember now - but my phone does. My hands are blue with indigo. 

Hm, maybe I will attempt to write a horny poem before I turn in the light, maybe not. I haven't decided yet...

Hugs, kisses, and wishes for the morrow.


Saturday, March 7, 2009


Work, the essential part of life. Sitting here bored out of my mind, I could be doing far worse things for 11.25 an hour I suppose...

Freudian slip fail. Wow, I am only glad that it didn't occur any earlier, or else things could have gotten quite interestingly awkward.

You're no longer and objective outpost. I feel like I am faking quite well. Totally trying to rationalize things I think just made me dwell on them, so fuck it all in complete succession. Sure, that should work. My 'fuck it/them' mentality hasn't failed me yet, although it has failed some other people. Oh well, not my fault that the mental capacity of my semi-coworkers doesn't match mine. Wow, that was unbelievably conceited. You're right, I don't want to sound like dinner here!

I'm not really into the whole "basketball" thing, not to mention other complications. In addition, I really do think I'll probably rationalize it away as being said basketball thing in a short while. It may be my drunken cuddle fest instilled in you an association. Classical conditioning ftw...or lose rather. You had just said it, and the alliteration with who you were speaking with... Totally. However, there's probably some analyzation to be said about the fact that I am like obsessingly obsessing and analyzing myself over it. In that case, wouldn't my 'let's write it off as irrationality' mindset totally stop me from said analyzing?

Yes, but if it was someone more available you wouldn't be irrationalizing it. I probably would, actually, but less. In any event there are complications which prevent us from exploring, and it's such a tiny insy winsy bit that it's not even worth it anyway even if all doors were open - although I find it growing. Power of suggestion? Yes, that's it! Tyler and Drew both said it, and I'm so done with aloneness that I'm grabbing at straws.

There's someone else that you don't need power of suggestion for you know. Yes, I do, but the overtness and lack of anything common and... I am rather shallow for the most part. I mean, come on, they have to at least be average. True, true. And, you're failing your boycott. I am failing, but it's not like he's responding back! Doesn't matter, you'd be willing still to - No, not really. We've already had this conversation before, remember? He has so much growing up to do. I need someone...more... multifaceted. Crazy like you, you mean? No, artistic and romantic like me. A little crazy, but... in a good way.

Fuck it. I agree! I knew I'd win you over.

Friday, March 6, 2009

details and things

I don't actually remember very many details. I know that cuddling between Nate and John was oddly comforting, and that John's hair smelled good. I know all of the things in my prior post. There were movies and nom food. People hitting on me, and marking their territory or something. For those people that were my wonderful cock blockers, love! Drinking and not vomiting. Staying up talking -for hours, and hours, and then some - about random things and giggling like school girls. Or I giggled like one at least. Hugs and nuggles. Sleeping for a half an hour and then eating french toast before going to work and downing some Viso. I honestly cannot express with the English or any other language the plethora of emotions and love and confusion that passed over me in these past 24 hours. Since this is life behind the mask, there is no mask. I am confused by the things I feel and my extreme need to rationalize them and ride them off. Granted, it more than likely is irrationality - and the mild bonding over such things isn't a great foundation for anything, really. Not like anything would exist for a substantial amount of time anyway. I am still broken and jaded. I am however, feeling... different about things. Like - beginning to realize that it's really over between Clint and I. It hurts - a lot, but it's kind of liberating in the same respect. I can really do, see, be, whatever, whomever, wherever I want. I can find a guy -- eventually --who can love and accept me just as I am, and understand my oddness and gaiety.

At the moment, I'm going to drink each day the best I can, I hope it tastes sweet. I am going to love those around me that surround me with their love. I am going to devote myself to me, and in doing so, those that I love will benefit (I think that's how it works, right?). I will do my best to be honest, to be open, to be loyal, and to be kind. I will do my best to be your friend, your confidant, your crying shoulder. I will always be there for a hug... as long as you don't creep me out too much. :-P 

Smiles and sunshine to all who are here or have come to pass,

Stephanie M. Lukas

How I love you all my darlings

The past two days have been... so much fun! Kung-fu movie night was an epic success. Thank you dear Chue for that loverly idea. I honestly feel blessed to have people in my life that I can spend so many hours straight with and have a blast the entire time. 33 hours I spent straight with Az, Nate, and John. Well...not entirely straight, but damn near. The party was so much fun and drunk and groping it was fantastic. I thought, since I'm in a I love everyone mood I'd tell you all how I feel, or something, in brief -- or long if I feel like it. I really realized how lucky I am during the festivities, so I'll keep it contained to the people therein for simplification purposes. Yes, I can roll like that, it's my blog a'ight?

Az: Darling Azurell! You are such an amazing person. Quirky and fun and spunky. And you totally make me feel better with all the drama. I honestly never really thought that we would be as close as I consider us, but I so amazingly lucky to have you in my life. I feel like I can tell you absolutely anything about myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my everything. It just seems like you get it, or at the very least, you're not going to judge me for it. You are so amazingly talented I feel wittle next to you sometimes. You can draw, knit, sew, and write and everything - I wish you had more confidence in yourself so you could fully bring that talent to the world, we'd all be better for it. If you do end up moving, I will miss you so very much! You're rockstar #1

Tyler: Holy crap, love! You so aren't going to read this more than likely, but that's okay we'll convert you to twitter or something soon enough. Your passion that was ignited by punch n pi totally awestruck me. It really does amaze me the talent that can be found in our team. You're like killer funny, and like crazy smart. Maybe it was lack of Stream walls or presence of alcohol but you were like way super chill and amazing. Must join in more festivities!

Chue: Teehee Chue! You were so kung-fu fighting ... nothing, in the yard. Push ups or something. Hard fucking core. You were totally the inspiration for the funness and the love that went down. You're always so quiet and reserved, we totally need to thief you into more fun times as well b/c you totally rock my socks meng.

Scoot (opotumus) -- (Can't spell) Scoot, you're like for realzies cool. You totally can bring me out of my deepest emo pit, and somehow know just when I'm in a shallow pool or crazy deep well of emotion. With the hardcore drum rocking and the uber geekness, you're like wildly crazy. Scoot hugs are some of the best hugs and you always smell like fruit! Oh.. I mean... I totally hate you.. and your face - teehee. 

John - Dude, John I totally can tell you anything and feel like I can trust you like ... with my life or something, which is kind of weird. There's some sort of like...commonality or something that I totally get with the most random people it seems. Kindred spirit, but not at all. Az is totally one of those people too. Your randomness and openness, yet hesitation to really reveal anything is crazy intriguing and slightly aggravating. I totally want to open up your brain and throw it on a film reel. You totally live way out in the g to the etto but that's okay b/c I'll get you west side soon enough, somehow! 

N8 - You're totally off the wall my dear. Sometimes you're all shy little geek and other times you're like I'm going to grab your butt because I can. Although... how many times were you, and how many times were Az I'm not quite sure... You've introduced me to so many odd, fun, weird, and exciting things it's pretty epic. *cough* I'm wearing a shirt off atm. *cough* I would have not a clue as to twitter, woot, rick rolling, like anything without you. You give the best hugs and have just the right touch of emo in ya. Unless you get overly emo, but that's okay b/c then you're like me! Your flowchart made my day

Ike - You kind of hid away, but you totally deserve a block of text to you as well. I was totally expecting something different you being N8's twin and all, but you're totally your own unique awesomeness. Your film and such skills and knowledge are rad, and you're just so damn chill and relaxed it's totally no stress around you. Look forward to getting to know you more.

Mouse - Bow to the geekness that is mouse. Yay for the power of reformatting and crazy cool computer cases. You welcomed me to level three geekdom and opened my eyes to what I already knew but didn't know that I knew about all things geeky. And you took care of me when I vomited, and what's more friendship than that?

Colby - Wow, so as being the first time we hung out on an extend basis, love! You cock blocked the appropriate cocks and cuddled and totally made me feel awesome sauce. I totally see why everyone is in love with you up in these neck of the woods! You're silly and adorable and all sorts of fun. Too bad we won't really get to be like awesome sauce because you live in North Hollywood and all, but whenever you're here I hope we get to chill b/c it was awesomeness.

I love you all! And if there are grammatical errors, like me starting this sentence with and, I'm working with under an hour of sleep so you can suck it.

Hugs and kisses,
Smile and sunshine,


Wednesday, March 4, 2009

It's the fourth of March

Today wasn't all bad. There were some genuinely good moments, which, honestly has been hard for me lately.

Biology Lab. I have 102.6% yeah, not much to complain about there. We got a study group together to study for our Bio Lecture Final which is coming up sooner than I'd like to think about. Also coming up sooner than I'd like: English Final Essay of mass, and Speech Final Speech of persuasion. 

The study group girls invited me to lunch, to which I declined since Clint had made plans with me. Turns out his plans included his girlfriend, and not me or something. Asshole. Went to a fairly cool lunch with study group girls. They both are in long term relationships. That hurt a little.

When I got home I dinked off for a bit and took a nap. When I woke up I called Clint and then went over to his apartment. Merrick is actually a cat now, so that's a plus. The apartment is absolutely disgustingly dirty. I mean, WWIII times wow. However, hanging out with my kitties and just chatting was pretty lovely. God I miss the good times we had!

He got called into work early, but sort of lost track of time speaking with such a lovely character as myself and was running late. I went to his dad's house to let out Jib (the dog). I probably shouln't have, but, I love his dad - and Jib is awesome, so ... eh?

I am getting stressed out about my Speech assignment! It's a 7-9 minute speech trying to persuade the class to do something. I am going to persuade them to read to children. It is something everyone should do, and I'm sure there's data to back me up. There is, right? I sure hope so.

Also stressing me out: Money, School in general, choosing which school to go to in the fall, job, home for kitties if Clint doesn't take them, the kitties' overall well being, finding a place to live myself. Then the general I still love Clint and want him back thing. Well, I don't want him back - the him he is now. I'd like the him I had like.. a year ago would be perfect, but I'd settle for 6 months ago. Oh, and the dying alone and that all my friends hate me, but what else is new?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

choosing fabric is hard.

Emo emo emo emo emo. Yes, I have been very much so emo. But, I'm trying to break that habit of self loathing and pessimistic views. It's been an uphill battle that I am sort of, kind of, losing.

However, I get a text that's all *hugs* and it makes me feel better.

Then, I realize I had a pretty alright day, minus Jack bailing on me.

I really have found some pretty chill people that don't complete hate me, I think. Today I woke up and ate some quinoa, a sort of grain-y type food Jack introduced me to. It is nom, with a bit of honey. After some serious lounging I fixed myself up into a semblance of prettiness and headed over to Az's. After a quick measurement of my body, yes literally, the nipple to nipple was quite interesting we jaunted over to a fabric store. Just so happens, they don't work Mondays. I've known quite a few places that are closed only on Mondays, it always befuddles me.

So we jaunt further down the road (*waves to giant spinning stake*) and walked into this GIANT warehouse of love, er fabric. After much, much, indecisiveness I picked out two fabulous fabrics for my corset. I am so indecisive the corset is going to be reversible like.

I'm kind of worried about the texture of the inner layer, the fabric's a bit rough. I think it'll be okay though. I am really excited about having a corset fitted to me! I'll be .. lookin' fly in da club, or something.

Some delicious greasy McDonald's goodness and I took my loverly seamstress back to her place of residence. Mind you, I was 'careful' to appease my grandmother's worries about me being in "the ghetto" of 16th Ave. She's...yes.

Then I had a mini Chuck marathon at home whilst chatting with various personas. Good times. Chuck is a pretty awesome show actually. I so should be sleeping, but I'm kind of anti-sleep, pro-internet these days. Pretty degenerate.

Anyway, life sucks... but, it's not that bad, you know? I just hope that the things I see are actualities. That when I'm gone the chatter doesn't turn to my idiosyncrasies or my faults. I am so paranoid about those types of things, it's slightly ridiculous.