Tuesday, August 24, 2010

time turns the page

17 months ago, I said that I would enter into a journey with him alone.
12 months ago, he asked me to join him forever.
1 month ago, we joined as one for all to see.

I cannot believe that we said our vows a month ago. It feels like a different world entirely, and one that surely must have taken ages to develop. Still, the same refrains of those asking me how the married life is treating me should bring into focus that it hasn't really been that long.

As much as earlier on I stated that nothing had changed, that we go day by day in the same old fashion... there is another sense there too, that is different.

A sense, that life cannot remain on these tracks or else we will fall off them. That something needs to settle into the way it will be.

I long to establish the things that will last us forever... or... end the current chapter in our lives, and open a new.

I crave a solid foundation and stability, for potentials to be reached and expectations surpassed.

The only thing that has changed, I suppose, is that I am ready.

I am ready for morning each day, I am ready for the tasks ahead.
I am ready to be a mother, a wife.
I am ready to keep a home, and balance a budget, and live a life.
I am ready.

I am ready for the good times, and the bad. I am ready to try and fail before I succeed. I must succeed.

I am ready for a house I can make a home, and for a family to fill its walls.

Though it may be scary, I am ready.

I am ready to be married to a man. A man in the truest sense as I define it. A man, who is ready. A man who is ready to be strong, a man who is ready to be willing. A man who is ready to provide, to conquer. A man who is ready for the morning each day and the tasks at hand. A man who is ready to be a father, and a husband. A man willing to build a home, live within our means, live his life. He must be ready for the good times, and the bad - to fail before he succeeds. He must succeed. He must make our house a home, and be ready for a family to fill its walls.

Though it may be scary, he must be ready.

A month has taught me endurance, patience. It has taught me love, acceptance, and balance. It has taught me comprimise, it has taught me faith. I have learned the importance of good friends, and loving family - and the way it feels to be let down. I have connected, I have reached out, I have worked hard. I have enjoyed the air, the sun, the sky, life and love in all its glory.

Such a small time, such a long time. Who knows how the road unwinds from this point. I only know that now, I am ready. Are you?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

life goes on...

...same as it ever was.

The wonderful wedding was offset by having my wallet stolen and John getting so sick we had to go to the ER. Now we have medical bills on top of everything. Joy! I'm just glad that with medicine he is now starting to feel better. Nothing is worse than seeming him in pain... and actually voluntarily going to a doctor.

However, our normal cycle of one good thing followed by three horrible has not been completed yet, and this has me worried... what will follow? Perhaps it is superstition, but that's the way it's gone so far. I hope we can break the cycle and be calm and happy for just a little while.

I want nothing more than for normalcy. Some sense of solid base which all can grow from, from which a life can form. I keep feeling like if I run away I'll be able to find it. If I shake things up, somehow all the pieces which are floating around will fall together and everything will be complete. Day dreams...

I really want to start a family, to have John work a good job and to stay home and take care of the house and loved ones like women were able to before society marked this such a lowly occupation.

It seems like no matter how my brain likes to tell me, making lists and setting goals and having a plan will never work. We will never be totally out of debt, I will never be the pretty girl I used to be, there will never be stability, never peace. It will never be a good time to have a baby, it will never be a good time for anything.

I try to make to-do lists, to plan out how much we need to save - what we can allocate to certain areas of life. Then, something has to happen to steer us off course. I'm not even his real wife because of all this nonsense! We had the wedding, but not the marriage... seems so backwards.

There are so many things upon us... so many eyes, so many thoughts. So much to do, and no way of knowing how long we have to do it. I wish life came with a manual... don't we all? I just need someone else to take control and tell me exactly where I need to be and when. To portion out what I eat, what I do in a way that optimizes all that I am and creates the best potential me.

I've lost faith, I'm losing hope, and I'm ashamed for these things.