Thursday, December 29, 2005

we fight and fantasize

I suppose it's really the 30th, but all that day stuff confused me on occasion. Clint just left... we had an interesting day I guess you could say. There was a bit of fighting, we cashed my check (a measly $84 and cents), bought the SIMs expansion pack and Rome Total War. We just hung out, but there was too much fighting. We also talked of a house and kids and marriage... so I suppose that evened everything out. I dunno, it really upsets me when we get on each other's nerves. I like us to be happy. Of course, I know that you can't be happy all the time. I just wish that we could be. I guess... we don't get what we want all the time. I love him so much though! He's going to be my husband some day (knock on wood) and we'll be awesome together, like always. I just hope we don't end up growing too far apart our later years. Or do the whole high school sweetheart get married, have kids, kids leave, uh now what? then realize they have nothing together any more. I want to be with him forever and ever! Some people say that we're too young to think of marriage and forever. Well, mainly me. He's 18 and gets more slack since he needs to be making his future now. But, I recently turned 17 and "have so much more to experience." I guess that the one year makes all the difference. The truth is, neither one of us have our lives together, set up or ready to go at a moment's notice. I think the only constant and unshakable factor in either one of our lives is the love and devotion we have towards one another. Maybe it won't last through college, but we need each other to take us that far. Love is what will keep us sane up to that point. If we need to part paths, I'm sure we will... grudgingly and in agony, but none the less we can do what is inevitable. I hope that the inevitable road is one shared by Clint and I, and ends well, together. No one knows just what the future holds, though they try. I think we should just throw caution to the wind and let life lead us down whatever path God has intended for us. That's really all we're doing anyway, even if we try and fight it.. hey, it's inevitable right?

I'm still sick, and working

I worked tonight, and it sucked really bad. I was all sick and running fevers and coughing while trying to fold clothes. And there weren't a lot of people there so it was kind of boring because there wasn't a lot to do. And in addition to that Kessler, Pam, and Sarah weren't there so I didn't have anyone to really talk to. So I was totally solo. Earlier today I got some homework done, so now all I have to do is answer some question and maybe read Macbeth and do a study guide. I need to do some studying too because I've forgotten a lot of information over the break. I didn't get to see Clint before work, but I did after, which was nice. I've been working on drawing people, practicing because I really want to draw Clint and have it look like him.

I don't think that Brittany and I are more than acquaintinces now.. but I guess that's okay...she's not much fun, she's always uber-serious and takes on this holier than thou attitude. Mix that with bossiness and easy irritability and not such a good thing happens. Even when she's trying to be funny or something it just ends up annoying me because her funny... isn't funny. Oh well, life goes on. I'll always love her like a sister, but it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Betsy's still chill, but it doesn't feel like she digs me too much anymore. I guess I need to take some acquaintinces ... Jenny mainly, and spend more time with them. Me and Jenny have known each other since the fourth grade and have always been on good terms. She's cool, but kind of into gossip... I don't know. Clint's all I really need, but I can't alienate myself from everyone... Then again Gabe, Jeff, Jayson, Marshall... the guys in my life would be there for me no matter what, well maybe not Gabe, but the others completely have my back. Girls don't seem to be my cup of tea, not that they were in the first place... whatever, It's all good.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I'm in love

I guess I am a fan of writing into the wee hours of the morning. I just wanted to somehow get out all of this love I'm feeling. Tonight was so romantic and beautiful and.. yeah. I don't know if it's good or bad how much more close I feel to him now, or that I feel re- in love with him. Like I fell all over again. It felt like the first time I knew I loved him. Maybe it's good, feeling as I do is awesome. But, should it take sex? It's not just the physical part though. Other ways he gets me to come are just pure physical and I don't get any emotional satisfaction out of it. I suppose I'll stick with, it's a good thing. I love him so much. I don't think that anyone could ever make me feel like he does. He's just.... amazing, and we have the best relationship. We can talk about anything and we've made it through fights most kids our age would hae split apart over. I sincerely feel like he is the one meant for me, my soul mate. God smushed our paths together at precisely the right moment...and now we're completely inseperably in love. It doesn't matter who else would tempt, or attempt to interfere. Gerald Clinton McGhee is entirely the one for me. I would never survive if he left me, in any way.. or it would be really hard to at least. We've been together for over eight months. That's a long time to be completely devoted to one person, at least I think at our given ages it is, it's definitely long term. 2/3 of a year. Of course, forever is an awfully bigger number than that, but I think we can take it. I love him so much! I hate being away from him when I don't have to be. Like... I'm fine at school and work, but like if he's sleeping at his house and I can't wake him up at like noon... or like tomorrow he's got poker night. I'm going to miss him. I should do some of that homework but I don't know if I'll have the motivation. I work tomorrow, or.. today, from 5:30 to 10:30. So that's more time from him, but like I said work's bearable. I hope he either decides not to go play poker, or he loses early or something... magically winning in like an hour would be the best scenerio, though impossible. Whatever. I just am in a really clingy mood.. .loving him so much.. it's making me sad not being with him. Tonight he left so fast, well he tried to, I caught him back with kisses :) Ha, I'm so not as stalkerish as my writing would seem, I swear! I should go to bed, but why? There seems no reason, really, other than I'm tired. Lol. Yeah. So tomorrow's agenda is to wake up and get ready to go to work, mull around, do some homework, play SIMs, each, change, and go to work. Clint will pick me up so I can see him for at least a little bit. Exciting? Not really, of course, I might see Clint before work too, which would excite me. Because I'm a girl, what do you expect?

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

I'm addicted to the SIMs

Yeah, I am definitely addicted to a computer game. The SIMs. Yep. I played for two and a half hours without even blinking. Sheesh. I guess it's just a waste of paper ... writing that, but I have to write or draw... something artistic. The death of my great grandma is still on my mind, but more so in remembering good times in a happy state of mind. I'm so delighted that I received a journal, I love to keep track, then reread. I have one so far completed, just a spiral. I started another one, but lost it, somehow. I'll probably (hopefully) find it at a later point in time. But I wouldn't write in it if I did... so, I don't really know what would be the point in that. I should most definitely be going to sleep now. I have a dentist appointment in less than twelve hours, and need to save energy since I'm running fevers and have to be at work in... 38 hours. I have a lot of homework to do as well before winter break is over. Ugh. So much to do.. .too apathetic (I guess) to do it. There's plenty of time, apathetic isn't the right word. I just would rather be with Clint than do homework. I know we can be together at the same time... just it's not quality time. Yeah.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

my Grandma died

I came home from Clint's happy. We played the SIMs some and it was all good. Then my grandma came home from my parents' and she gave me a picture of my brother and then very bluntly told me my Grandma Holub died, just out of nowhere. I lost it. I tried not to cry, but then it all came spilling out. Just... I never got the chance to say goodbye to her, and I would have liked to have known... not on Christmas, but when it actually happened in October. I guess it's good to know. I knew she'd be leaving us soon because of her age anyway, which is why I wanted to get in touch with her. My parents are simply unreasonable. It's just not fair. Yeah, yeah, life's not fair - I get it. I don't care, because it still hurts. I couldn't move or talk or anything. I just kept thinking of her... the way her house smelled, her mannerisms that truly made her one of a kind. I guess, when it really comes down to it, I'm selfish. I just wanted to say bye, I wish I had more time. Everything is "I". Which doesn't do much good to honor her memory, or to make her fell contentment in her afterlife. I suppose I just need to suck it up. It's just... to hear anyone say 'grandma' it makes me want to bawl. Oh well, I'm going to take my mind of this subject, it doesn't mix with me well... I should just be happy with my baby!